The Empathy Trap: Understanding Antisocial Personalities

by Jane McGregor

Sociopathy affects an estimated 1- 4% of the population, but not all sociopaths are cold-blooded murderers. They're best described as people without a conscience, who prey on those with high levels of empathy, but themselves lack any concern for others' feelings and show no remorse for their actions. Drawing on real life cases, The Empathy Trap: Coping with Sociopaths explores this taboo subject and looks at how people can protect themselves against these arch-manipulators. Topics include: Defining sociopathy, and related conditions such as psychopathy, narcissism, and personality disorder How sociopaths operate and why they're often difficult to spot Identifying sociopathic behaviour The sociopath's relations with other people and why they often go unpunished Coping with the aftermath of a destructive relationship Re-establishing boundaries and control of your life Practical advice for keeping sociopaths at bay Resources and further help.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Abuse, Relationships, Counselling, Research

130 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 16, 2013

Reviews

[Donnaleigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would like to thank the authors of this remarkable book for a *superb* job. In the past two years I have read well over 30 books on the topic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, antisocial personality disorder, sociopathy and psychopathy, so I enjoy comparing between texts and literature to see which are the best for people in this experience. This book is very clearly written for the lay person, and shows how to clearly identify these individuals, how to deal with them, and how to heal from the concussion after being hit by the relationship damage.

Most of all, I want to give the authors accolades for bringing forward (FINALLY!) the important relationship triad that involves the "Apath." This is a third person they bring in to elevate themselves and character assassinate the empath. This serves to prove that the predator is worthy, whether done through smear campaigns or distortion campaigns (either public, or whether behind the scenes in networking strategies). The role of the Apath, the person they enlist to side with them, is something that is not discussed or even mentioned in other books, and it is such a critical and unnerving part of the experience. Bravo to you for bringing it to light and defining its presence and how to manage that as well. A standing ovation to you for this. I'd love to see more on this, and how today's apath can also sometimes be an overlapping victim empath in some cases.


This was very well done, and will give a great eye-opening epiphany to many who are experiencing the puzzling maze of deception built by the sociopaths of our society. Great title, great topic, well done book. Highly recommended and a fabulous place to start reading on this topic that is misunderstood by so much of society. Oh, how charm can deceive.

[Randall Wallace · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gets totally into a concept I love called SEAT or Sociopath-Empath-Apath-Triad. The theory is that sociopaths need to enlist neutral bystanders to do their dirty work injuring empaths for them and they are called apaths. Even Milgram showed the role of “apaths” who allowed perceived harm to happen in his experiments when the lab coated manipulator (sociopath) demanded the victim empath be shocked by the neutral apath given false reasons for continuing. Turning a blind eye is the dominant quality of the apath, no wonder Milgram found most Americans fitted this bill, not surprising given the present apathy to perpetual war abroad and class war at home. Empaths have major trouble receiving a compliment; they are often targeted by sociopaths because they are seen as their biggest threat. Empaths frequently get brought down by apaths who, as willing stooges, believe the lies told by the sociopath because of the intensity of the claims and that the cost of lie verification is deemed too high.

[Tom Webster · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great introduction to a difficult topic.
An awful lot of people neither realise what sociopathy is our appreciate the devastating nature of the true sociopath.

I would however add a caveat; that after reading an introduction such as the empathy trap it can be all to easy for the layman to start over analysing every relationship they have and branding people with traits they really do not possess.

Trust me if you are dealing with a true sociopath who has you in their sights you do not need a book to tell you!

[Jon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sociopathic behaviour can have very profound, long-lasting consequences for the emotional well-being of the intended 'victim'. It took me well into adulthood to realise that I'd been a target throughout my life of at least three sociopaths (two of which are family members), and that my perceptions of myself and what I believed others thought of me had been constantly manipulated by these people. I'm still trying to recover from the damage that was done, and I've more or less come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to recover fully, but at least now I'm able to understand what happened to me and how it could have happened.

Books like this are absolutely invaluable to those who have experienced a close relationship with someone with an antisocial personality disorder firsthand. This book in particular is not intended as a detailed account of sociopathic behaviour, but rather aimed at helping victims identify the characteristic traits of a sociopath, and discussing through clearly defined chapters how best to cope with the various methods that a sociopath may employ in order to maintain control of the relationship. There is also a wealth of information (plus plenty of references to other texts) in regards to dealing with the emotional turmoil and anxiety left behind after contact with the sociopath is broken, as well as pointers on making sure that the cycle is given no opportunity to continue.

I would not hesitate to recommend this book to anyone - not only those who suspect that they may be victims of sociopathic abuse - but as a means of forewarning and forearming oneself against the possibility of being targeted in the future.

[Kavish · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a good book.I have already read a lot of books on antisocial people so i did not find a lot of new information here.

Read H g Tudor's work,watch ''understanding narcissism''channel on you tube to better understand these monsters.I also recommend ''surrounded by psychopaths''. ''The Psychopath Code: Cracking the Predators that Stalk Us '' is also brilliant.

[Geraldine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Over priced slender book.

It's not bad eg compared with the book in the same series about fibromyalgia that I had to abandon Living with Fibromyalgia because of its dangerous advice to indulge in unproven and ridiculous treatments such as homeopathy. I didn't spot anything in the book that was so egregious. There were some bits that were quite interesting and/or helpful.

If you're borrowing this book eg from a library and you don't want to read widely on the subject you could do worse. But the book references The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us and Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. I've read one and queued the other: I rather wish I hadn't bought this, especially not at a disproportionately high cost for a slender volume containing no original research nor direct professional experience.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick and easy to read. I loved how it spoke in layman's terms. The description of how the bully utilizes the 60% apathetic population is spot on. People fail to realize just how they themselves pain they can help inflict by simply "not acting." We all have a role to play.

[Amanda Moss · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy read with useful information about dealing with different types of people.

[Lucia Zalar · Rating 1 out of 5]

Essentially the same you always hear. Anti Antisocial ableist hate porn.

As they seem to be 9/10 times. Worse than with any other dissability these days. It seems only in the last two years or so Im seeing more studies and interviews and things come out properly doing more conducive research into my condition. We're never allowed to really voice ourselves.

The easy pop psych info is bigoted and filled with assumptions and decades old crap that doesn't account for a lot.

Truth is we're very akin to Autism. A vast spectrum, disabled, very socially disabled by nature.

We're not evil and you shouldn't have to have work books to know our evil methods and shit.

These books read like antisemitic conspiracy theories about Jews ruling the world and being secretly insidious. They also are about as realistic.

Much of our problems are exasperated and/or created by these attitudes and the problems in society itself.

I'm someone who has come to live a good life but It took me years because no one wants to help a "Retarded sociopath"

Im autistic, antisocial (call myself sociopath a lot for simplicity), borderline, somewhat cognitively disabled, etc

I have loving friends and lovers I care about dearly. I have cats and A future. I have values and exception people. I have replaced empathy and guilt with things so simillar and functional its pedantic to diffrentiate. However that difference is used to say we are monsters. Instead of admitting we can get better. Sure there are some extreme people who go through extreme spirals, but its like saying every single moslem all the time is doing stuff like 9/11, it isn't true whatsoever.

Im not taking it out on this book particularly I just wanted to vent this.

[Layla Greening · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very good short book. Explains the classic signs of a sociopath without getting too scientific. It is written for the every day person in mind that may be struggling with a personality disordered person in their life be it parental, workplace, social circle or romantic. Practical guidelines on spotting traits, how to protect ourselves and walk away but also explains and gives tactical in layman’s terms for those of us struggling with trauma bonding and recovery after suffering abuse with a personality disordered individual. A great little read and helpful to dip into when we have a wobble

[Adette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous book. Easy to read.
This book was transformational for me. For years I didn't know that I was in a relationship with a narcissist. By reading this book it gave me an understanding for all the things I had experienced. It gave me freedom to stop feeling guilty and it gave me permission to walk away from the relationship with ease.

[Georgina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good overview of understanding the effects of a sociopathic personality on the victim. Interesting to hear that so little research is being done on childhood development of this. Interesting case studies, easy to read, not massively academic

[Michele Beers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic read, writing very accessible and the entire book is an insight into the human condition and different personality types. Would appeal to a wide range of readers.

[Alessandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful and complete.

[Lexy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loads of practical, accurate and relevant information. A much better choice than a couple of others I’ve read recently.

[Sarca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful. Another book to add to my "required reading list" on AsPD.

[AL · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good and concise source on sociopathic behaviour.

[LouLovesItaly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Accessible and easy to read. An emotive and difficult topic, for some. However, if you're interested in the complexities of human psychology, it is an interesting and informative read.

[Anna Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book that will tell you pretty quickly in plain language if you are hooked up with a Sociopath. They seek out people who have the most empathy (me), feed off of us, then leave us broken, and shattered both physically, and mentally. I fairly guessed they were a Sociopath, it is nice to read I was correct. I would highly recommend this book to anyone man/woman who believes they are in a relationship that is not making you happy.

[Caitlin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading this book was enlightening and encouraging. I was already aware that I had been victimized by two sociopaths in my life (which is not surprising as according to this book sociopaths seek out people who are vulnerable and already being victimized just sets a cycle going)and this book helped me feel like the pattern does not have to continue, I DO have the power to break it. This is not a personal journal so I will give no more details but try to focus on the book at hand.

The book is very clearly written and easy to understand. It does not analyze what a sociopath is and is not a scientific study. What it does do is describe the abuse pattern that victims suffer from sociopaths and explain the different techniques of subjugation involved. The one that had the most effect on me was the chapter about "gaslighting." This is a system of behavior where the abuser creates scenarios that make the victim think that everything is her fault, even to the point of doubting her own version of events or her sanity. The psychological term was taken from the popular movie in the 1940s about a husband who tries to make his wife crazy. This was clearly one of the things that was done to me and I could see it for all of its deliberateness.

Another important focus of the book was on the empath-apath-sociopath pattern where the sociopath picks her target and then gets those around her to exacerbate the situation (often unwittingly). I can also see how this was effective in my situation.

Toward the end of the book McGregor focuses on how to heal from a sociopathic relationship. This part of the book was weaker for me. It had good advice but a lot of it was who to call in what situation. This information is important but I didn't' find the book to be as therapeutic itself as I expected.

The only part of the book I disapproved of was the idea that a sociopath is an empty shell. Now it could be part of the abuse that I suffered that makes me say this, but the people I dealt with exhibited almost all of the traits and behaviors as the ones in the book, but they are still human beings and they do have their own feelings. I balk at the idea that sociopaths mimic others and don't have actual feelings. I think that is naive. But I am also not a psychologist so I could be way out of line. Based on my own experience, I think these people do have feelings but they are muddled and overpowered by insecurities and social incompetency and that is why they behave the way they do.

All in all I think for someone who has come out or is coming out of an abusive relationship or cycle, I think this is a handy book.

[Ian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes I have encountered people in life, in my case only in passing, and thought, "Why on earth do they behave like that?" This short book is a thought-provoking introduction to the tactics of the sociopath. I was particularly interested to read that sociopaths will often make up stories (e.g fictitious illnesses affecting themselves or their family members) to gain sympathy from others, and in the idea that sociopaths are unable to connect their actions with what can turn out to be negative consequences for themselves. The explanation of the "sociopath - apath - empath" triangle was also very illuminating for me.

I wondered whether to give this book 3 or 4 stars, in the end rounding up to 4, because for me the second half of the book is less enjoyable than the first. The second part is a sort of advice manual for those recovering from abuse by a sociopath. I was expecting the book to be more about "Understanding Antisocial Personalities" than about how to cope in the aftermath of an encounter.

The book has stimulated my interest in this area. The authors make reference to another work, "Zero Degrees of Empathy" by Simon Baron-Cohen. He is someone who has impressed me on TV, and I have added that book to my "To read" list.

I agree however with a previous reviewer that there is a danger that the layman, after reading this book, will view others as sociopaths when they are merely exhibiting the sort of unpleasant personality traits that all of us display at least occasionally. Still, a very worthwhile read.

[Evan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd rate it as 3.5, but the title is striking enough to win some recognition.

Quite outdated language and information at times, but it still useful. Nothing particularly new, if you read enough on narcissism etc, but worded differently, therefore gives some food for thought.

Examples of the victims though or even movie references at times portray the sociopath instead of the victim, as the texts suggest. So take the read with a grain of salt. It proves very well how sociopathic people can present themselves as victims.

[PerceptionsChange · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book was an interesting read from a mental health workers' perspective. It does warn in the book that after reading, lots of people in life will come across as antisocial personalities but frames it as a positive way of recognising these people in life.

Whilsts I believe this is a great book to help those who fall into the empathy trap, with lots of useful resources within the book which I believe will truly help a lot of people in those situtations - I find it may also misintrepret autisms, introverts and other neurodiscriminatons as something to consider under the sociapath radar.

It's something to read and see how it fits with you, I'd highly recommend giving it a read if interested.

[Stringy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A resource for people who've had to deal with someone who has a personality disorder such as anti-social, borderline or narcissistic. I was looking for more of a pop-science explanation of the research and history of empathy disorders, so it wasn't really what I was after.

However, it does match up with what I know about reputable therapies, and people who've had to use it as a resource rate it highly. If I ever encounter a psychopath, I'll be sure to come back to this book for useful advice.

[Olwen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This seemed a fairly dry, directive text designed for anyone who has had the misfortune of working or being related to a psychopathic or sociopathic personality. But although it has a matter-of-fact tone, the advice seems good, and reassures the reader more than once that you don't have to worry about hurting a sociopath's feelings - they don't actually have them.

[Gisela · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very readable and contains some useful warnings, insight and practical guidance as well as references to research material but "A Brief Introduction to Understanding Antisocial Personalities" might have been a more accurate subtitle than "Understanding Antisocial Personalities".

[Marco · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well-written with ideas clearly explained and supported with citations. The book spent many of its few pages on issues regarding children, not something I am particularly interested in but it is still well-explained.

[Grant · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book is well written and so very interesting I just loved getting into this book and experiencing more of what the authors are sharing with us... I encourage everyone to read this one. It's good for everyone !

[Mary Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

really interesting!

[James Cullison · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great tool for anyone who needs to deal with difficult and sometimes unstable people.