What do you think?
Rate this book
Cum să fim fericiți în cuplu - Între fidelitate și infidelitate
În timp, orice cuplu se poate confrunta cu adevărate momente de răscruce, crize a căror nedorită apariţie se datorează, de cele mai multe ori, comunicării deficitare, insuficientei senzualităţi, temerilor, fantasmelor, unei nevoi de dominare sau uzurii dorinţei.
Dar, dincolo de cauze şi motive, partenerii implicaţi într-o asemenea relaţie, devenită brusc nesatisfăcătoare, îngustă, împovărătoare, au nevoie să redobândească acel "ceva" salvator – care poate fi intimitatea, cea adevărată, deplină, clădită pe reciprocă înţelegere şi, de ce nu?, senzualitate şi sexualitate.
În continuarea volumului Cum să fim fericiţi în cuplu. Între fidelitate şi infidelitate, dr. Gérard Leleu analizează în cartea de faţă diferitele componente ale intimităţii, aducând totodată o serie de precizări, idei şi sugestii pentru crearea sau restaurarea armoniei cuplului, dincolo de orice idealizare a celuilalt şi de fuziunea absolută, pledând în favoarea trăirii clipei prezente cu mai multă senzualitate...
Dar, dincolo de cauze şi motive, partenerii implicaţi într-o asemenea relaţie, devenită brusc nesatisfăcătoare, îngustă, împovărătoare, au nevoie să redobândească acel "ceva" salvator – care poate fi intimitatea, cea adevărată, deplină, clădită pe reciprocă înţelegere şi, de ce nu?, senzualitate şi sexualitate.
În continuarea volumului Cum să fim fericiţi în cuplu. Între fidelitate şi infidelitate, dr. Gérard Leleu analizează în cartea de faţă diferitele componente ale intimităţii, aducând totodată o serie de precizări, idei şi sugestii pentru crearea sau restaurarea armoniei cuplului, dincolo de orice idealizare a celuilalt şi de fuziunea absolută, pledând în favoarea trăirii clipei prezente cu mai multă senzualitate...
Unknown Binding
First published January 1, 1999
5 people are currently reading
68 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
September 28, 2016
Target audience: Common people, anyone interested in improving his/her relationship with their partners or save their marriages.
About the author: According to Wikipedia, Gérard Leleu is a French doctor and sexologist, writer and lecturer. Author of numerous books on the couple and pleasure, it is known for his bestseller: Traité des caresses (the Treaty hugs), sold in over one million copies. After he was anesthetist in neurosurgery in various hospitals and clinics, he became a psychotherapist and sexologist at the age of 45, specializing in couple therapy. Ever since, he has participated in lectures, debates, discussions and he organized conferences on the subject of love and communication within the couple.
Structure of the book: The book has 280 pages in French, divided in an introduction, 10 chapters (with sub-chapters) and a conclusion. IMPORTANT: I do not know if there is an English translation.
Overview: Two aspects, in one way or another, consciously or unconsciously, heavily influence our adult life and our life as a couple in particular: on the one hand, there are the animal instincts and impulses which defines us as a species, and on the other hand there are the childhood experiences. Our partners are, more or less, a reflection of our mothers and fathers. The situation now is even more complex given the fact that the world is changing fast and the balance of power between men and women changed a lot in the last 200 years in the Western world. Yet, some old dangerous prejudices and customs have survived within families, being passed from generation to generation, and these can affect negatively the relation of a modern couple.
Infidelity is not a cause or a moral disease; it is an effect or a symptom. No one is infidel or simply becomes an infidel. There is a process or an event which determined infidelity because people, naturally, are predisposed toward being monogamous.
The main message of this book is that we have to learn to maintain a fine balance between our needs, of any kind, and our partner’s needs. In every one of us there are fantasies, desires, instincts, frustrations, intimacy issues, fears, insecurities or impulses that, if they manifest too much, endanger the harmony of the couple. These things can also be amplified in time, due to the lack of communication between partners or the stress at work, or suddenly, due to a negative event. So, when the fine inner balance breaks, then the risk of infidelity appears. And infidelity can further lead to divorce or the end of the couple.
The author also speaks about the balance between self-love and the love for the other. While Christianity says that self-love is dangerous and the love for the other is the best way to achieve and maintain harmony, both in a couple and in the society, in contrast, Leleu says that true harmony can come only if there is a reasonable amount of self-love. People must be confident in themselves and in their own forces. Furthermore, true love is not one and the same with the feeling or state of being in love, when the couple suffers from spiritual blindness. The state of being in love fades after several months and the partners inevitably return to their normal behavior and habits. True love begins only after this magic period; if there is not true love, the couple will fail.
Through the multitude of examples the author covers a wide range of possible situations that can lead to infidelity. Infidelity has stages of development and people must recognize the causes early and make the necessary changes in order to prevent it from manifesting. But, if infidelity still manifested, the couple is not hopeless. There are always solutions – and the book describes some of them – to save the couple or the marriage, but everything requires sacrifice, patience and love.
Quote: Infidelity reveals the existence of certain problems within the couple and in both partners. There is never a single responsible. Every partner must analyze himself and ask himself: “What are exactly the other’s dissatisfaction?”… [my translation].
Strong points: Well written, a very good tone, a very good and simple language and a very pragmatic approach. Despite the fact that the subjects treated in this book are difficult from a psychological point of view, I do not think there is anyone who is not able to understand what the author is trying to transmit; or anyone who did not identify himself with at least one of the multitude of examples or situations given in the book. I believe that this book really has the potential to change people’s lives and I also think that, in order to have a serious positive effect, it must be read very carefully or more than once.
Weak points: The author lost me when he started about spirituality and the role (influence) of the divine in the relation of the couple. If I remember well that was in chapter 2. I felt like he deviates from the subject, as if he derailed from the safe and clear track of psychology and biology towards the dangerous track of mysticism. Nevertheless, it was only a couple of pages and I ignored that.
_______________
★★★ Follow us on Goodreads
★★★ Visit our website www.reasonandreligion.org
About the author: According to Wikipedia, Gérard Leleu is a French doctor and sexologist, writer and lecturer. Author of numerous books on the couple and pleasure, it is known for his bestseller: Traité des caresses (the Treaty hugs), sold in over one million copies. After he was anesthetist in neurosurgery in various hospitals and clinics, he became a psychotherapist and sexologist at the age of 45, specializing in couple therapy. Ever since, he has participated in lectures, debates, discussions and he organized conferences on the subject of love and communication within the couple.
Structure of the book: The book has 280 pages in French, divided in an introduction, 10 chapters (with sub-chapters) and a conclusion. IMPORTANT: I do not know if there is an English translation.
Overview: Two aspects, in one way or another, consciously or unconsciously, heavily influence our adult life and our life as a couple in particular: on the one hand, there are the animal instincts and impulses which defines us as a species, and on the other hand there are the childhood experiences. Our partners are, more or less, a reflection of our mothers and fathers. The situation now is even more complex given the fact that the world is changing fast and the balance of power between men and women changed a lot in the last 200 years in the Western world. Yet, some old dangerous prejudices and customs have survived within families, being passed from generation to generation, and these can affect negatively the relation of a modern couple.
Infidelity is not a cause or a moral disease; it is an effect or a symptom. No one is infidel or simply becomes an infidel. There is a process or an event which determined infidelity because people, naturally, are predisposed toward being monogamous.
The main message of this book is that we have to learn to maintain a fine balance between our needs, of any kind, and our partner’s needs. In every one of us there are fantasies, desires, instincts, frustrations, intimacy issues, fears, insecurities or impulses that, if they manifest too much, endanger the harmony of the couple. These things can also be amplified in time, due to the lack of communication between partners or the stress at work, or suddenly, due to a negative event. So, when the fine inner balance breaks, then the risk of infidelity appears. And infidelity can further lead to divorce or the end of the couple.
The author also speaks about the balance between self-love and the love for the other. While Christianity says that self-love is dangerous and the love for the other is the best way to achieve and maintain harmony, both in a couple and in the society, in contrast, Leleu says that true harmony can come only if there is a reasonable amount of self-love. People must be confident in themselves and in their own forces. Furthermore, true love is not one and the same with the feeling or state of being in love, when the couple suffers from spiritual blindness. The state of being in love fades after several months and the partners inevitably return to their normal behavior and habits. True love begins only after this magic period; if there is not true love, the couple will fail.
Through the multitude of examples the author covers a wide range of possible situations that can lead to infidelity. Infidelity has stages of development and people must recognize the causes early and make the necessary changes in order to prevent it from manifesting. But, if infidelity still manifested, the couple is not hopeless. There are always solutions – and the book describes some of them – to save the couple or the marriage, but everything requires sacrifice, patience and love.
Quote: Infidelity reveals the existence of certain problems within the couple and in both partners. There is never a single responsible. Every partner must analyze himself and ask himself: “What are exactly the other’s dissatisfaction?”… [my translation].
Strong points: Well written, a very good tone, a very good and simple language and a very pragmatic approach. Despite the fact that the subjects treated in this book are difficult from a psychological point of view, I do not think there is anyone who is not able to understand what the author is trying to transmit; or anyone who did not identify himself with at least one of the multitude of examples or situations given in the book. I believe that this book really has the potential to change people’s lives and I also think that, in order to have a serious positive effect, it must be read very carefully or more than once.
Weak points: The author lost me when he started about spirituality and the role (influence) of the divine in the relation of the couple. If I remember well that was in chapter 2. I felt like he deviates from the subject, as if he derailed from the safe and clear track of psychology and biology towards the dangerous track of mysticism. Nevertheless, it was only a couple of pages and I ignored that.
_______________
★★★ Follow us on Goodreads
★★★ Visit our website www.reasonandreligion.org
October 27, 2018
"Alegerea partenerului este dictata de inconștient plecând de la elemente care, în imensa lor majoritate au fost înscrise aici încă din copilărie.
Infidelitatea partenerului vostru corespunde unei infidelități pe care o faceți unei părți din dvs., înșivă, ca și cum partenerul dvs. ar fi căutat la un altul ceea ce n-ați știut sa dezvoltați în dvs. înșivă.
Noua fidelitate este o alegere liberă determinată de fiecare în numele său. Nimeni nu poate interveni nici în decizia sa, nici în aplicarea acesteia. Ea este realizată în cunoștință de cauză pentru că este apreciată ca fiind corectă și benefică pentru sine și pentru cuplu.
Fidelitatea nu poate fi spontană și fericită decât dacă este inspirată de o iubire care, dincolo de zbuciumul sentimentelor și al dorințelor, depășește ego-ul, o iubire conectată la ceva care ne transcende și care ne dă un sens comportamentelor noastre."
Infidelitatea partenerului vostru corespunde unei infidelități pe care o faceți unei părți din dvs., înșivă, ca și cum partenerul dvs. ar fi căutat la un altul ceea ce n-ați știut sa dezvoltați în dvs. înșivă.
Noua fidelitate este o alegere liberă determinată de fiecare în numele său. Nimeni nu poate interveni nici în decizia sa, nici în aplicarea acesteia. Ea este realizată în cunoștință de cauză pentru că este apreciată ca fiind corectă și benefică pentru sine și pentru cuplu.
Fidelitatea nu poate fi spontană și fericită decât dacă este inspirată de o iubire care, dincolo de zbuciumul sentimentelor și al dorințelor, depășește ego-ul, o iubire conectată la ceva care ne transcende și care ne dă un sens comportamentelor noastre."
August 4, 2024
Infidélité touche au manque
Le manque est "cette impression d'insatisfaction teintée d'anxiété que nous ressentons tout au long de notre vie et qui nous pousse à rechercher l'objet miraculeux qui mettra un terme à cet état de manque et à cette quête"
Le manque provient de la séparation intra-utérine, de l'enfance et des échecs amoureux.
Etat amoureux =
- recherche de fusion,
- idéalisation :
Chacun s'adonne à un jeu de projections et d'embellissements qui transforme les partenaires en personnages factices : chacun voit l'autre non point tel qu'il est, mais tel qu'il voudrait qu'il soit, tel qu'il a rêvé qu'un partenaire devait être. Autrement dit, il le voit tel qu'il lui convient.
Inversement, pour plaire à l'autre, chacun va se montrer sous l'aspect qu'il croit lui agréer, chacun va donc modeler sa propre personnalité pour se conformer aux désirs et aux besoins de l'autre, renforçant les traits qui semblent le satisfaire, estompant ou masquant ceux qui risquent de lui déplaire.
Comme il est difficile de connaître vraiment les désirs et les besoins profonds de l'autre, on lui prête nos propres attentes
- identification :
"Je suis toi, tu es moi, on est pareil"
Cette volonté d'être semblable à l'autre se fonde sur le mythe des "âmes sœurs" selon lequel il faut, pour atteindre le grand amour, se ressembler. [...] Dans l'état amoureux, on va plus loin et on s'efforce de se rendre réellement pareil à l'autre. Alors on copie ses attitudes, ses pensées, son langage, on fait siennes ses émotions, ses pensées, on adopte ses pôles d'intérêt, on satisfait ses moindres demandes. Inversement, on gomme ce qui nous différencie trop d'elle/de lui, limitant nos expressions personnelles, renonçant à nos attentes et perdant de vue nos propres plaisirs.
Notez qu'on copie surtout ce que l'on aime de soi en l'autre, c'est à dire nos projections sur lui.
A la fusion succède la défusion
A l'idéalisation la lucidité
A l'identification la différenciation
La fusion continue emprisonne l'amour (aliénation, dépendance, possessivité, régression)
L'idéalisation trompe l'amour
L'identification ruine l'amour
Fidélité choisie : de grâce, spirituelle, ordinaire, subie
Causes :
Liés à la nature humaine
- Agitation sexuelle
- Contradictions / Propre ambiguïté/bipolarité (Rien en nous n'est univoque, nos sentiments, nos pensées, nos désirs)
- Multipolarité d'une personne (Chaque facette porte une sensibilité particulière, des désirs, des possibilités propres elle peut être visible que sous un certain angle et avoir échappé à un autre)
- Le cours de la vie
- L'usure et la monotonie
Liés à l'enfance
- Le "grand manque" (C'est lui qui pousse à rechercher sans cesse le partenaire qui saura combler sa béance)
- Le trio œdipien (Le fait de rechercher en son/sa partenaire son parent)
- La madone - la putain
- L'immaturité (C'est souvent par immaturité qu'on court de bras en bras. Car en réalité, c'est une mère ou un père qu'on cherche)
- L'inconscience (le "mauvais choix" par complémentarité)
Liés au couple
- Pour s'affirmer (rassurance d'un amant sur certains désirs)
- Liberté sexuelle
- Perte de sens du couple
- L'individualisme
- Par insatisfactions :
1 Besoins affectifs
2 Besoins sexuels
3 Besoins de communication
4 Besoins énergétiques
5 Besoins d'évolution
Le manque est "cette impression d'insatisfaction teintée d'anxiété que nous ressentons tout au long de notre vie et qui nous pousse à rechercher l'objet miraculeux qui mettra un terme à cet état de manque et à cette quête"
Le manque provient de la séparation intra-utérine, de l'enfance et des échecs amoureux.
Etat amoureux =
- recherche de fusion,
- idéalisation :
Chacun s'adonne à un jeu de projections et d'embellissements qui transforme les partenaires en personnages factices : chacun voit l'autre non point tel qu'il est, mais tel qu'il voudrait qu'il soit, tel qu'il a rêvé qu'un partenaire devait être. Autrement dit, il le voit tel qu'il lui convient.
Inversement, pour plaire à l'autre, chacun va se montrer sous l'aspect qu'il croit lui agréer, chacun va donc modeler sa propre personnalité pour se conformer aux désirs et aux besoins de l'autre, renforçant les traits qui semblent le satisfaire, estompant ou masquant ceux qui risquent de lui déplaire.
Comme il est difficile de connaître vraiment les désirs et les besoins profonds de l'autre, on lui prête nos propres attentes
- identification :
"Je suis toi, tu es moi, on est pareil"
Cette volonté d'être semblable à l'autre se fonde sur le mythe des "âmes sœurs" selon lequel il faut, pour atteindre le grand amour, se ressembler. [...] Dans l'état amoureux, on va plus loin et on s'efforce de se rendre réellement pareil à l'autre. Alors on copie ses attitudes, ses pensées, son langage, on fait siennes ses émotions, ses pensées, on adopte ses pôles d'intérêt, on satisfait ses moindres demandes. Inversement, on gomme ce qui nous différencie trop d'elle/de lui, limitant nos expressions personnelles, renonçant à nos attentes et perdant de vue nos propres plaisirs.
Notez qu'on copie surtout ce que l'on aime de soi en l'autre, c'est à dire nos projections sur lui.
A la fusion succède la défusion
A l'idéalisation la lucidité
A l'identification la différenciation
La fusion continue emprisonne l'amour (aliénation, dépendance, possessivité, régression)
L'idéalisation trompe l'amour
L'identification ruine l'amour
Fidélité choisie : de grâce, spirituelle, ordinaire, subie
Causes :
Liés à la nature humaine
- Agitation sexuelle
- Contradictions / Propre ambiguïté/bipolarité (Rien en nous n'est univoque, nos sentiments, nos pensées, nos désirs)
- Multipolarité d'une personne (Chaque facette porte une sensibilité particulière, des désirs, des possibilités propres elle peut être visible que sous un certain angle et avoir échappé à un autre)
- Le cours de la vie
- L'usure et la monotonie
Liés à l'enfance
- Le "grand manque" (C'est lui qui pousse à rechercher sans cesse le partenaire qui saura combler sa béance)
- Le trio œdipien (Le fait de rechercher en son/sa partenaire son parent)
- La madone - la putain
- L'immaturité (C'est souvent par immaturité qu'on court de bras en bras. Car en réalité, c'est une mère ou un père qu'on cherche)
- L'inconscience (le "mauvais choix" par complémentarité)
Liés au couple
- Pour s'affirmer (rassurance d'un amant sur certains désirs)
- Liberté sexuelle
- Perte de sens du couple
- L'individualisme
- Par insatisfactions :
1 Besoins affectifs
2 Besoins sexuels
3 Besoins de communication
4 Besoins énergétiques
5 Besoins d'évolution
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews