When You've Been Wronged: Moving From Bitterness to Forgiveness

by Erwin W. Lutzer

Imagine walking through a maximum security prison and seeing the cell keys hanging inside the cells. By choosing not to forgive, we voluntarily sentence ourselves to diminished, pain-filled lives. Why would anyone do such a thing? Because forgiveness seems an inappropriate response to offense. To experience a broken promise, betrayed confidence, personal rejection, false accusation, injury, or abuse, is to be wounded. Such wounds cry out for justice. But what if justice is not possible? Or if it doesn't undo the damage done? What then? In this concise, quickly-read volume, noted pastor and author Erwin Lutzer carefully illustrates how it is possible to right the wrongs of your life. Whether you've been wronged--or have wronged others--he makes it possible to experience the freedom of forgiveness, and the restoration of a clear conscience.

Genres: Christian, Christian Living, Nonfiction, Counselling, Christianity, Faith, Religion

176 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 1, 2007

About the author

Erwin W. Lutzer is senior pastor of The Moody Church in Chicago. A graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and Loyola University, he is the author of numerous books, including the Gold Medallion Award winner "Hitler's Cross" and the best seller "One Minute After You Die". He is also a teacher on radio programs heard on more than 700 stations throughout the United States and the world, including "Songs in the Night," "The Moody Church Hour," and the daily feature "Running to Win." He and his wife, Rebecca, live in the Chicago area and have three married children and seven grandchildren.

Reviews

[Sam Crosbie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really makes you look at yourself. Lutzer doesn’t give you anywhere to hide. Would recommend to everyone. If you don’t think you have any bitterness when you start, I’ll be impressed if you finish feeling the same way.

[Amanda Lackey Delaluz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was not my favorite book from Lutzer, but thought it had a lot of good things and worth the read to help people deal in a Biblical way with hurt and bitterness and also deal with matters of our own heart when we have been wronged.

[Mark Lickliter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an excellent read. I am working through some complicated issues and this book was a great help to me. Can't recommend it enough!

[Shelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful book, unfortunately, though I know Erwin Lutzer is a wonderful theologian and love his counsel, I do not agree that anyone who has been wrong is obliged to forgive every wrong done against them. If that were true God would be asking us to do something He himself does not do and no one would ever need to believe in him because they would all already be forgiven and the whole world would be going to heaven. I know that is clearly not his philosophy so I'm not sure why he is teaching this on the human side. Otherwise, from the hurt/wronged perspective he, as always, is very insightful into human relationships and conflict.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really good read. Practical and clear advice/counsel.

[Michelle Haggard · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great recommendation for any struggling with bitterness and resentment.

[Jessica Lynette · Rating 5 out of 5]

When You’ve Been Wronged by Erwin Lutzer is the third out of four books I’ve read recently on the topic of bitterness. This one really stands out for its keen understanding of human nature. One of the key insights Lutzer offers is that reconciliation, while ideal, isn’t always fully possible. Sometimes it can’t happen at all, and other times it only happens in part. That honest acknowledgment of the cost of sin and the complexities of human relationships was refreshing compared to other books I’ve read on the subject. The emphasis was forgiveness must always happen in order to keep ourselves from becoming bitter - but reconciliation might not happen.

Lutzer also uses vivid metaphors like the “spear-thrower” and the “destroyer” to illustrate different kinds of people who inflict pain - like the angry person who hurls verbal spears, or the destructive narcissist (though he never uses that term, his entire chapter on the destructive person seemed to describe a narcissist.)

In particular, I found Chapter Seven, “From Bitterness to Blessing,” really compelling. It addressed my big question of how to avoid letting a root of bitterness grow in your life through the story of Joseph from Scripture to drive the point home.

Overall, this book felt like a thoughtful and realistic guide.
It is much longer than the first two I have read, and perhaps that is why it felt kinder. There were parts that weren’t as interesting to me, but overall it’s definitely one I’d recommend.

[Randy Corn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The subtitle of this book is “moving from bitterness to forgiveness.” I was given this at the Moody Pastor’s Conference back in 2008 and have just now gotten around to reading it. The author mentions that this book began as a series of sermons that he preached at Moody Church, which he has served since 1980. I have to say that they are full of good quotes and more than a few illustrations that I intend to use myself sometime in the future.

The basic idea of the book is that bad stuff will happen and we need to have some idea of how to deal with it. The author speaks more about bitterness and gossip than any other issue. I do think that there is positive value in his admonitions about avoiding gossip at all costs. It really can be very destructive to a church collectively and to people individually.

The underlying structure of the book is to look at some biblical characters and to draw lessons from them. He uses Cain and King Saul in a very honest but negative way and Joseph in a positive one. Lutzer is good at drawing out broad principles from these passages which are on target for his thesis.

On a personal level I have to say that I benefited from reading this book. It helped me put things in perspective and to realize that I have it much better than many in the ministry. I don’t mean by that I am materially better off, just that I have been blessed with few real church problems that could not be solved. I am sure that I will adapt some of the material in this book to use in future sermons.

[Clara Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Using the stories from the Bible of Cain, Jacob, Joseph and etc. and personal stories Lutzer tells how unconfessed bitterness harms us but how God can work confessed wrongs into good. Every believer should seek reconciliation if possible. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible and the removable of oneself from conflict is best.

[Heather Racey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lutzer presents the subject of bitterness, it’s causes and consequences, through various characters of the Bible. Though some of his themes overlapped over the course of the book, the repetition did not render the remaining chapters useless. His chapter dealing with law suits was particularly fascinating as he quite pointedly presented biblical procedure salted with grace for exceptions.

[Kelly Loudenslager · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was so helpful! I've been struggling with some bitterness and an unforgiving attitude. One thing this book opened my eyes to is even people we are close to can be bent on bringing us down as "spear throwers". We can forgive them and let go of bitterness without them asking and without reconciliation.

[Danna Dykema · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had a lot of good things to think about using Scripture to support his point. However, I do not agree that we should forgive someone who does not ask for forgiveness. We must stand ready to forgive them or confront others regarding their sin. We should not offer forgiveness without the other person confessing their sin. I John 1 : 9 is our model.

[Kingsley Layton · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very helpful process from Lutzer that I would recommend to anyone.
You don't need to feel hard done by or wronged for this book to unearth some bitterness in you which could be let go of or dealt with.
Worth having on your shelf to return to too.

[Andy Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

We must forgive. If we don't forgive our enemy owns us. Even if they don't apologize we can be free if we forgive and turn it own to God for his judgement. If you have been wronged you MUST read this book. Easy to read and very practical. Forgiveness is freedom from your past.

[Katy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Painful to read because it makes you look honestly into your soul, but practical suggestions for rooting out bitterness and moving on after forgiving the one(s) who wronged you.

[Olivia Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book. Deals with helping you with bitterness and restoring relationships. Tough read though if you’re guilty of hurting others.

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read for all Christian leaders and ministry workers.

Working in ministry opens you up to possible hurt. It is best to learn how to handle it before it happens.

[Pamela Nicolls · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a helpful book, especially enlightening on reconciliation.

[Nicole Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very helpful dealing with conflict, forgiveness, and what reconciliation looks like.

[W. Austin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truly a great help. I think the book will help everyone.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I hadn't realized when I bought it that it was coming out of someone from the Moody Bible Institute, but I figured it helped my clients then I would give it a go.

There were a few gems of wisdom that I appreciated and took note of, but I found that it was not really able to be a guide for anyone that didn't determine themselves as Christian.

I also found some real inconsistencies in his writing as he generalized and oversimplified. For example, he talks about he attended a Christian school and bullied another kid. Then later he mentions that bullying is a big problem in our public schools - insinuating it isn't a problem anywhere other than public school and disregarding his own private school bully years. Those kinds of things and the clear political bias were hard to move past.

[Barry Parham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Precise and helpful. Very clearly written and pulls no punches. Also deals very honestly with the reality that reconciliation is not always going to happen!
Be careful: you will look into a lot of mirrors while reading this book.

[Jeremy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly, not that helpful at this point in my life. It was another book for a Sunday School class at our church, and the only thing I was bitter about was the fact that we weren't reading books that I was interested in.

[Ronda · Rating 1 out of 5]

It does not really help advise in ways to help overcome hurt. There was also places that were misleading, not telling scriptures before and after ones quoted. Not money well spent.

[Lynette Karg · Rating 4 out of 5]

East to digest chapters with handy summaries. I read this in a few hours but found it really practical and helpful to me as well as future counseling situations.

[Aallison · Rating 5 out of 5]

So far it is amazing. Encourages major self-inspection

[Chuck Musselwhite · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book on bitterness

I've read several books on this subject and Lutzer's is the best so far. Very thankful for his scriptural treatment of the subject and very honest examples. Lutzer is tense yet firm in his dealing with a very tough subject