After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood Trauma

by Jane Middelton-Moz, Lorie Dwinell

Adult children of alcoholics have learned how to "survive," but often have difficulty "living" their lives. The trauma and grief of childhood losses affect every aspect of the life of an adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA). Now the authors of the bestselling After the Tears offer further insight into the origin and cost of childhood pain for those who grew up in alcoholic families. In this revised and expanded edition, Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell combine their years of experience in working with ACoAs, tackling issues such as intimacy, sibling relationships, codependency, breaking the alcoholic pattern, building a relationship with the inner child, forgiveness, and opening a window to spirituality.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Health, Grief, Addiction

302 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 1986

About the author

Jane Middelton-Moz is an internationally known speaker and author with more than forty years of experience in consultation, training, and community intervention. She is the director of the Middelton-Moz Institute. Ms. Middelton-Moz has served on the Board of NACOA (National Association of Children of Alcoholics) and the Advisory Board of NANACOA (National Association of Native American Children of Alcoholics). She has a Master's degree in Clinical Psychology and has held numerous direct service, management, and executive positions in large non-profit corporations and community agencies.

Skilled at meeting the particular needs of an organization, Ms. Middelton-Moz is a dynamic keynote presenter and is known for her highly successful "hands on, participant driven " workshops. She is recognized for her work in the areas of adult children of alcoholics, multi-generational grief and trauma in individuals, families and communities, ethnic and cultural awareness, anger, cultural self-hate, differential diagnosis, values in the workplace and in families, empowering employees and creating positive work place environments.

Ms. Middelton-Moz has appeared on national television shows including Oprah, Maury Povich, and Montel Williams, on the Discovery Channel, and has had her own PBS special. She has also been quoted in US News and World Report and The Washington Post business sections on issues related to the high cost of negativity, bullying, mobbing, and unhealthy anger in the workplace.

Reviews

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am hoping this is the beginning of something, for instance, LIFE.

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had gotten this book as a teenager. It is the best book available for overcoming the challenges of moving past the dysfunction of childhood and a guide for creating a better today and tomorrow. I recommend this book to anyone who grew up in dysfunction or who feels emotionally lacking parental support.

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't generally read Self-Help books, but as an ACOA I wondered what the book had to offer. After the Tears provided some valuable insights into the dysfunctionality of the alcoholic family and how the pain is transmitted through the generations. It reminded me of how far I have come in my own "grief work", and where I still need to focus. It's nothing short of a tragedy that there are ACOAs who will live the rest of their lives never coming to terms with their pain. I not only recommend this to other ACOAs, but to their loved ones and anyone working with dysfunctional families.

[Emily Ulm · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is so much wisdom in this book I cannot summarize it easily. The authors describe in easy-to-grasp language how being raised in an alcoholic home negatively affects children. As a result, the children develop patterns of behavior that help them survive but in the long run cause more pain. Until the past is seen in its reality, the feelings for all the losses felt and grieved, no real healing can happen. And until the healing takes place no real forgiveness can happen. Siblings will not remember things the same, which I found comfort in reading. It validated my perceptions and memories.

I am reading this book after over 25 years in alanon and I have worked through a lot of the grief of childhood (although at times it still creeps up in situations that trigger a feeling of shame or guilt), so I can attest for the accuracy of the authors’ assertions. I definitely feel more whole, happier, self-accepting and alive having shed an ocean-full of tears. Well worth it though. The book also says that alcoholism is generational and I do see where my beliefs influenced how I raised my kids. Often with some not so good consequences. But as I am healing and shedding the pain of the past, I can also be more open to love and be loving, which now, in contrast, influences my children for the good.

[Dominique · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was a very well crafted book. It had plenty of real life examples, and it has helped me to start to see more clearly how growing up in a home with an alcoholic has shaped me and shaped how I react to and relate to other people. What I truly appreciate about this book is that it is not about blame or reliving the past, but rather a tool to better understand myself. It has allowed me to see where I am holding onto past experiences and patterns that are negatively affecting my current life. I am finding daily "ah ha's" to work with, everything from my relationship to my husband and children, to why my office never stays clean and why I am always "behind" and playing catch up with my to-do list! Very practical and an easy read.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful, but doesn't really break any new ground -- any number of other books on this topic are equally enlightening. I suppose if this is your challenge, the best advice is just to pick a book and dive in. And if you are the spouse of an adult child? Same advice, just pick one and go for it (and accept that your spouse's parent, even if that parent is no longer living, will be one of the most influential persons in your marriage.)

[Angie Bigler · Rating 5 out of 5]

very insightful! I don't usually read self help, but I'm glad I read this one. it was recommended by my therapist and it has helped me understand I'm not alone.

[David Clouse · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book seeks to give understanding of what it was like growing up in the home of alcoholics and it speaks of the experiences of several different people. There are almost no statistics, but the writers have many years of experience under their belt and many citations throughout.
Not just adult children of alcoholics can benefit from this book. The knowledge contained within can help one become more aware to those who might have grown up as ACOAs and why they behave the way they do. Many great principles found within. Not always exciting but a very informative and useful read.

[Steve Butler · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you or you know someone who was raised in an alcoholic family, this is a must read. So much is explained in detail that I had to read several passages several times. It's the unwanted gift that keeps on giving until the cycle is broken and even then it may not stop. Definitely helped me understand where I came from, what I endured, patterns of behavior and understanding how to change.

[Emiliia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had to literally climb through each chapter. It was a hard reading for me. But I would recommend it to everyone, who grew up in a dysfunctional family and needs support by processing what happened to them in the childhood. For sure, it can't replace therapy, but this is a good starting point.
I didn't like that authors repeat themselves, again and again stating the same points. Still, this is a valuable read.

[Sara Engra Minaya · Rating 4 out of 5]

La portada es un poco fea, pero el libro está guay. Aunque está dirigido a hijos de alcohólicos, creo que el 70% es aplicable a la mayoría de familias disfuncionales y es bastante accesible. En algunos aspectos (el último capítulo, quizá) se nota que se escribió hace algunas décadas, pero, desde lo poco que sé yo de psicología, el libro está bastante actualizado con la revisión que hicieron en los dos mil algo.

[Jade · Rating 2 out of 5]

Informative, but a bit redundant.

[Chelsea · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was powerful in understanding more about the ways dysfunctional homes impact children throughout their lives into adulthood. The book was primarily focused on adult children of alcoholics, however, I found many of the information to relate well with those who grew up in other types of dysfunction as well. This book was emotionally heavy, but there was so much great insight obtained throughout it. As a Christian, I found myself wishing that there was more talk throughout the book that focused on the hope that faith brings and healing that does come because of that faith. There were parts of the book that felt like a doom gloom/fearful based if you do not seek healing, the negative ways this will impact you. I had hoped for more hope and encouragement provided here. However, faith was brought up in the last chapter which caused me to appreciate the book much more by the end. Overall, this is a really great book. One that I believe will benefit me in my personal life, but also for those clients whom I work with.

[Terrie Bissonnette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Grew up with a mother that was a malignant narcissist and sadly a father that was an alcoholic. Who could blame him, living with a female narcissist. Childhood trauma lasts a lifetime. You CAN heal but it takes a lot of therapy, study and purposeful intention.

[Siri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fourth time for me. I like to read this every 5 years or so. Still building my cognitive life raft, but I'm getting there.
***What doesn't kill you makes you stronger***

[Sue Campbell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Self-help that's right on target for character development

[Pathof · Rating 5 out of 5]

,

[Natasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

As close to comprehensive as a book could be, providing understanding and a step-by-step guide to healing. It was incredibly illuminating and healing to read, and I appreciate the firm confidence the authors have about the possibility for Adult Children of Alcoholics to heal - that it is always possible. I especially think the authors did a great job at covering and grounding the concept of forgiveness in a way that’s not moralistic, makes it truly feasible and easy to understand, and encourages us to be patient with reaching this step while we prioritize OUR healing first. If I had one issue, there was a point where “a Native American elder” was quoted, but there was literally no reference or citation to who that is. Overall though, very much appreciated, and would recommend this book.

[Oresta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not the daughter of alcoholic parents but the dysfunction in our household may have contributed to life long depression. While studying my addiction diploma, my teacher suggested I might get help from this book.

It was an eye-opener to say the least. The same insecurities and trust issues that children of addicts and alcoholics are felt by others who come from dysfunctional homes. I also attended many 12 step programs as part of my studies and found them to be far more helpful than the years of psychotherapy appointments. Just saying.

[Travel Writing · Rating 4 out of 5]

After the Tears breaks no new ground in the ACoA literature, but it was still extraordinarily helpful.

I appreciated the stories and the connections made in the book. For me, healing always comes back to the grief work we all must undertake. After the Tears speaks eloquently and practically about grief and loss and how it effects every part of our lives until we can face what we lost in our dysfunctional families.

I would highly recommend it to anyone (ACoA or not) who is doing grief work or wants a deeper understanding of the grief work that must be worked through for our own healing.

[Ellen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A worthwhile read on grief processing and working through alcoholic family issues. It didn't rock my world but did provide plenty of insights and connections.

[Rhea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read for anyone. Therapists, friends, family, people who are trying to make the world a better place thought compassionate understanding.

[Eltee · Rating 4 out of 5]

A worthwhile read for anyone who has come through this challenge.