Fear of the Abyss: Healing the Wounds of Shame & Perfectionism

by Aleta Edwards

Most self-help or personal growth books help people “cope” better with one specific problem that troubles them. While everyone needs coping skills, they are temporary aids that do not increase one’s self-awareness and understanding because they do not address the root cause of the problem. In focusing on a specific problem or trait, they also fail to recognize that this trait is part of a wider constellation of interlocking issues. Self-help books of a more spiritual bent emphasize “awareness,” but do not show people how to get beyond their defenses to become truly self-aware. Still other books focus on a diagnostic label, such as Panic Disorder or Depression, but do not consider the type of person with these labels and their cause.Fear of the Abyss offers healing for a wounded core by providing specific guidance to those with the core issues of perfectionism and shame, regardless of which issues or diagnoses are on the surface, helping them to let go of that which is defensive or inauthentic. People like these fear facing emotional wounds, and develop personality traits to defend against them. The title derives from what they fear on the deepest level—being like a dreaded other, often an abusive parent, or being the way a parent made them feel as a young child. Their fears have intense, varied associations, affecting their everyday lives and relationships. By following the path to their wounded core, readers will develop greater self-awareness, which is the cure for the broader spectrum of issues.Fear of the Abyss takes complex ideas and makes them accessible to the layperson. It includes exercises designed to gradually and gently guide the reader into more depth and insight, as the readiness develops. It contains clinical vignettes to illustrate each chapter’s main points and to share with readers the healing process of others.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Personal Development

235 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 11, 2011

About the author

I graduated from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology, and practiced in Chicago for over 20 years. I have been in Tampa for a couple of years and it is where I now practice.

I became interested in writing a book, because I kept seeing people come in for anxiety or depression, who really had the issues of shame and perfectionism that were never addressed. I felt that the label one receives would obscure the TYPE of person one was, and I saw how people did better having their unique and whole personalities seen and heard. I wrote my book to reach out to more people.

It has been rewarding to me to write. I have gotten many wonderful reviews and many readers have emailed me, sharing their stories, which is a tremendous honor.

I now live in Tampa, Florida with my husband and our two mini-daschshunds.

Reviews

[Lisa Romano · Rating 5 out of 5]

I truly enjoyed this book.

This book is for anyone who is in search of a healing from within, who is not afraid to confront Self, and who is ready and willing to change.

As an author of self help books myself, I always enjoy finding other authors who tend to approach hard core issues from deeper and often times forgotten perspectives.

I agree wholeheartedly with all of the ideas presented in this book, and I was touched by the authors empathy for her shame based clients. I agree that without self awareness-or awareness of the self-healing is impaired. And truer--because our society is infused with perfectionism, shame, and bias it is all but impossible for beings not to suffer some kind of psychological wound that falsely imposes self loathing opinions about ones self.

However, this book and its detailed picking apart of the root causes of shame and perfectionism in our society and how it directly impacts how one sees him/herself is eye opening, and mind expanding.

It is essential that as victims of societies need to create shame based beings in order to fuel materialism and thus profit--that individuals learn to enforce their right to know and honor thy self--because this society does not teach the love of self--in fact--it teaches the very opposite--and creates internal havoc within the minds of individuals along the way--which in turn fuels the bottom line by creating the illusions that fuel depression, addiction, and relationship problems.

This book is by far part of the solution..and I highly recommend it to others.

I would like to add however, that as a recovering codependent, I firmly believe that shame and perfectionism and thus depression are caused by codependent and unconscious belief systems. Whenever an individual falsely believes that they require someone else's validation, or acceptance and fears being rejected by others, they are codependently placing their sense of self and thus worth into the hands of another mortal and imperfect human being...whose unconscious and probable primary goal is to control the other being in the first place...

Whenever an individual unconsciously believes that others must be, act, think and even express love the way they think they should--they are unconsciously looking to control the other in the unconscious hope that their emotional wounds may be soothed.

In the end it is up to the individual to honor their own mind, and to integrate their own spirit so that the body can then exist in a harmonic state...

This book will help unlock old and unconscious beliefs and help individuals who are ready to learn and thus honor their own selves along this journey called life.

Namaste...

[M Tennessee · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Fear of the Abyss" is the only book of its kind. Rather than focusing on diagnoses, this book helps the reader to discover the root causes of a constellation of personality traits from which many decent, conscientious people suffer.

Perfectionism, control, and shame, are issues that many people who enter psychotherapy are struggling with. These are people who value other people's feelings, who try to do best by others, and who may at times neglect what is best for them. They find themselves struggling with a need to do things perfectly, which can make it difficult to move forward. Procrastination may then plague them. Their need for control can interfere in their personal life, or even in their alone time. And issues of shame can make enjoying life seem incredibly difficult.

Dr. Edwards has great empathy, and that shines from the page from the very beginning of this book. She describes these feelings with such clarity, readers will feel she knows them, personally. Sometimes, with shame, we can even feel ashamed to have issues! From the beginning, this book helps the reader to feel less shame around issues, and more self-love and understanding. As the reader grows to understand where these feelings come from, the new awareness encourages them to persevere.

Dr. Edwards not only explains these issues, she provides exercises for the reader, geared toward strengthening each reader's own self understanding. The further one reads, the greater self-empathy the reader develops. Suddenly, rather than feeling critical for issues that developed as means of coping with pain, the reader instead comes to see how and why they feel as they do. Taking away the element of shame, and replacing it with self-love and even sympathy, allows the reader to grow in courage and peace.

I practice individual and group psychotherapy, and many of my clients face the issues described in this book. I recommend this book to my clients, and as it as a tool for helping us through the therapeutic process. Individuals who are not yet prepared to engage in a formal therapy will still benefit, and may find such a degree of relief that they may soon hunger to further gain in insight.

In our culture, perfectionism and control are encouraged to some extent, and we may feel pressured to excel, to perform above and beyond expectations. There is also pressure to be superior to others. Many are left feeling lonely, and wishing they could feel comfortable being "good enough." Often, even when trying their very best, individuals feel they are disappointing loved ones. Sadly, we find that the very people who are the most concerned with other people's feelings, are the ones who worry they are disappointing them. Walking through this journey with Dr. Edwards, such individuals will feel they are not alone. They can take comfort in knowing that they are already very valuable human beings, and there is much they can do to lessen feelings of anxiety and pain.

This book does what other books have not done. It groups together a constellation of personality traits that are commonly found in our fast-paced, pressured culture. Even people raised in decent, well-meaning families struggle with these issues. It is not necessary to feel plagued by these anxieties and stressors; it is possible to overcome them.

This book offers each person the potential for real healing, not merely coping mechanisms. As a result, life gains meaning, and relationships take on new, unexpected dimensions. Readers will find new freedom in being able to, finally, behave like their true, authentic self.

Join Dr. Edwards in this easy-to-read self-exploration, and may you find peace on your journey.

[Alexandar MG M · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is Awesome! A must-read!

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist until a friend pointed out to me that I was spending way too much time preparing my Power Points for my presentations at work. I'm usually up till 2 in the morning doing these Power Points, trying to get every little detail perfect. But I just thought that was normal.

My friend asked me "Why are you always so tired?" And when I told him he said "That is waaay too much that you're doing, man. Way too much."

I thought about what he said a lot, and then I did a google search for 'perfectionism' and I found this book of Edwards'. It surprised me, once I started to reading it, that she wasn't only talking about perfectionism, but instead, all these other issues too -- all things that really were going on with me. I am someone who worries that I'm not meeting others' needs, but it makes me feel ashamed if I ask for my own needs to be met, so I never do. I fear disappointing people (like my boss! That's why I would stay up so late) but I never thought of it in those terms before -- I figured you should just really try hard not to disappoint anyone. I also try to avoid noticing when people I really love are disappointing, themselves. I do have a lot of shame, even though I'm a nice person and I haven't really done anything wrong. And I always want to be in control of things. I'm kind of a back seat driver even though I never wanted to think of myself that way, but it drives my friends and my girlfriend up the wall when I do that, so I guess I do.

What's funny though is that it never occurred to me that these were problems, you know? I was so used to being this way, and it just seemed normal to me.

But it all started with my friend saying I was not getting enough sleep because of trying to get things perfect for my boss, and now that I am reading this book over and over again, I am noticing how much more freedom I could have in my life, if I just let go a little bit. I am keeping myself under control all the time, I just never realized it before!

So it's incredible the way Edwards knew this -- that all these things really do go together. And she's right, because each new chapter I get to, once again she's talking directly to me.

What I've noticed since I started working with this book is when I find myself wanting to step in and take over someone else's job, I can sort of tell myself "These details don't really matter that much, do they?" And take a step back. It feels like I just took a vacation! When I am doing a Power Point, I put what is most important and then move on, instead of searching the internet for hours to find just the exact right picture to illustrate a point.

And in my relationship I am letting my girlfriend do things for me now, instead of just always doing things for her the whole time. It actually feels much better this way because we're more balanced now, and I'm sure she appreciates the change. It couldn't have been too great being her, before.

Also you know what? I'm getting enough sleep now LOL.

I can tell it will be a long road till this just all feels natural, but it's funny because I already notice that I feel more freedom. So I really recommend this book! Have an enjoyable time if you give it a try! It's worth it. Peace out.

[Jen Bossenberger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Edwards book truly has been the catalyst to change in my life. It helped me understand the deep "why" I was feeling the way I felt. Why I was anxious and seeking perfectionism. Dealing with perfectionism and the other spokes of the wheel that make up the PCS constellation, she beautifully and gently teaches about the pain we feel and why we go on protecting ourselves.

I love how she tells story after story of others who have faced the dynamics as well. She connects the dots for you.

As I continue to heal from within I am more aware after reading her book. I am gaining peace of who I am. I couldn't believe someone who never met me would know me in such a way that while reading it I thought, "THIS is how I feel." If you are seeking healing, it's a must read!

Hoping it can get printed in books not just e-reading.

[Melanie R · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fear of the Abyss, by Aleta Edwards, is the first book I have read that helped me to heal. I'm used to reading books that offer to 'help' with problems. Maybe you have OCD, and you are reading a book that suggests how to reduce your obsessive tendencies. Key word reduce. Or maybe you are depressed and the book tries to cheer you up.

I wound up reading this book because of its title: I knew I had issues with perfectionism and shame. So I was very surprised when I started reading the book, and discovered that I had issues with all of the topics explored in the book.

In other words, Dr. Edwards created a book for people just like me. And when I think of my family members and friends, we're all this kind of person. Practically everyone I know is always worried about what other people are going to think of them, or trying to make sure they get every little detail perfect, or they're trying to control things, or they're focusing upon getting other people to need them, but they don't want to show that they need others too. There are so many different nooks and crannies that Dr. Edwards talks about here, but she shows how they are not separate problems. They all go back to the same source, inside.

It's one of those books that you don't just read, and then forget about. I find myself thinking about this book every day. I go back and read parts of it over and over again. And I keep using the exercises at the end of each chapter, so I can really work on healing from these things.

I am doing better already. It's not like everything wrong with me is totally fixed, but see, that's just my perfectionism talking, even wanting it to be fixed, LOL. But the book is teaching me to accept myself for who I am, and I am noticing that things kind of soften up when you give them this sort of attention. You get to know yourself better, and when you really know yourself better, you aren't there judging yourself over every little thing. You can laugh about stuff and not take yourself so seriously.

Give this book a try if you have been trying to find something helpful and have never landed upon the right thing. I've never read another book like it -- but now I don't have to. I don't live in Tampa like Dr. Edwards does, but I sure wish I did, so I could go to her for therapy. At the same time I feel like i know her already, and I sure feel like she knows me. If you can relate to what I'm talking about here, I think you'll have the same experience reading her book.

Enjoy!

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book just recently after listening to this author speak on SOTT's internet radio show. I listened because I really like the hosts and I always like their interviews and discussions, as they're so thought-provoking. But that week's show was different for me from the others. I found I couldn't approach the topic only from my own curiosity as is my custom; it ceased to be a purely intellectual endeavor for me. As a listener, I felt strangely pegged, and had an almost spooky sense that the author knew me as I became wrapped up in the discussion. Her topic in this book, of perfectionism, shame and control all relating to a wounded core pertains to my own feelings so much. I feel she touched on issues in her discussion I'd not regarded through such an acutely sensitive lens in the past. I never liked these things about myself, but I never asked myself where these things came from, or why I felt the way I did.

That next week I reflected on the author's discussion with the show's hosts repeatedly, and so much of what they'd explored together went on replaying in my mind. While I felt drawn to purchase the book, I wondered if it would actually be able to help me. I had tried other approaches in the past, including bouts of entering into therapy myself, and had never found anything close to relief. Finally I decided to purchase her book, and I felt even more of a sense of having been understood than I had done from listening to her speak. I have a feeling that this will only grow with time, and that somehow I've embarked on a journey that will lead to such changes for me, that I might always look back upon that fated internet radio show as a catalyst for change in my life.

I read the book straight through this first time, but I plan to go back and re-read it more slowly now, and engage myself more fully in the exercises. The first time, I read the exercises at the end of each chapter, but I did not yet feel ready to attempt to do these exercises. I know why, I know I felt afraid to look within. But now that I've gone through the whole book and I see that there is nothing to fear at all, I know I am ready for this. The author really helped me to notice that what I think I am afraid of, I am never even going to meet. And now it is safe to embark on whatever changes I would like to make in my life.

I recommend this book and I hope others are able to find it as I did. It is a rare read.

[Lisa Crego · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Aleta Edwards put forth an amazing informative work of art when she wrote Fear of the Abyss: Healing the Wounds of Shame and Perfectionism. Every page filled with pertinent information for the layperson as well as professionals in the world of psychology. I own this book in hardcopy, which I keep in my office for reference as well as an e-book to read for my personal use. Page after page is filled with useful, compassionate information we can all learn from regardless what profession we practice or “diagnosis” we may be labeled. I loved Dr. Edwards point to release labels, which so many get stuck on—and possibly even misdiagnosed. This book is evergreen…never to become old and always words of value no matter how much time passes. Thank you Dr. Edwards for work that will always remain on my shelf for reference. Well done!!

[Dianecasali · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredible book that allows the reader to acquire deep insight. I have read a number of books on the topic, and this is the absolute best. The author has a clear, easily understood writing style, and not only does she explain the issues, but offers comprehensive solutions. I purchased several books which I gave as Christmas gifts. I am looking forward to Dr. Edwards next book!

[Stefania · Rating 5 out of 5]

Saying this book changed my life is reductive. If you struggle with perfectionism, control, shame, need constant validation from others and similar issues, do yourself a favor and pick this book up. 12/10

[Mel · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me a long time to finish reading this book - not because it was boring, but because I actually did almost all of the exercises and want to continue with that. It is really well thought of, eye-opening and started to get me into various new topics.
There is plenty of insights and excercises for all the different aspects. I never knew how much I’m affected by shame, fear, etc.
Also got me to figure out what my personal Abyss is. Shed a lot of tears, but it was healing and I always felt better afterwards. Finally I know so much more about why I am how I am.

[G Collerone · Rating 4 out of 5]

Apparently, all you need is self-awareness to overcome the depression and anxiety in your life to change the Abyss. Throughout the book, the author reiterates over and over how she hopes this book helps the reader, like it is a god-send or something. Anything but. The exercises she gives are complex and requires serious thought which sometimes is clear enough, but some of the exercises are not so straightforward. It would have helped greatly if she gave an example of an answer in real language, rather than clinical talk. The book did help me in some areas and I have written about it in a letter to my therapist.

The clients she uses are all success stories. I understand that to sell a book, you want the positives but a couple of negatives might have been useful. It just creates a hope that might not be there for all people with mental illness. The book focuses just on anxiety and depression being the core of the “problems” that are trying to tell the client what is going on. The real what is at the heart of the matter.

I like that the author treats the whole person and throws away the diagnostic label to treat the person. I wish more clinicians would do that. Overall, I really liked the book except for the last chapter. I felt that the ending was a bit unrealistic to someone not in therapy or has a therapist that is not more open minded. I also didn’t like when she referred back to a client but didn’t use his/her name. It made it confusing to try and remember who she was talking about.

[Rachel Reichert Stuart · Rating 5 out of 5]

I must say this has really been one of the most useful books on psychotherapy that I've ever read. I can't tell you how many of my clients who have come to me with anxiety, panic disorder, and/or depression related issues actually fit the description of the PCS personality. My graduate training and work experience always pushed the use of" evidence based practices" and cognitive behavioral therapy for these issues which I have implemented over the years with clients and have always found lacking. It is one thing to refute and replace irrational thoughts and easy enough to learn that process, but my clients still complain that it doesn't change their feelings or stop the issues that they are struggling with over and over. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found this book and a new way to help my clients get to the core of their issues! I could go on and on, but I'll just end by saying that the chapter on disappointment really blew me away. I think everyone needs to read that chapter! I know I sure did even as a therapist who considers herself pretty self-aware. It never occurred to me that disappointment could be just a normal natural part of life. Dr. Edwards has made a wonderful contribution to the world through this book and her work and insight! I know that this book will profoundly influence many lives!

[Karla Durán · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recomiendo mucho este libro para las personas que se identifican con este tipo de personalidad, o incluso que identifican en su vida diaria una o varias de las características que menciona la autora. Es un contenido claro, lleno de ejemplos y que contiene ejercicios. Creo que puede brindar conocimiento, alivio, claridad y esperanza de cambio.

[Rose Peterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book would've hit harder had I read it 10 years ago. It still raised a lot of good opportunities for reflection. My friends are probably sick of me talking about my Abyss now.