Boundaries Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries

by Anne Katherine

Are your boundaries being violated?

Boundaries separate us from others physically and emotionally. In fact, they are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing healthy relationships. Yet every day, people's boundaries are violated by friends, family, or coworkers. Despite the importance of personal boundaries many people are unaware of how or when these very important lines are crossed.

Which of the following are boundary violations?

* Esther tells Betty a secret Mary told her.
* Your therapist invites you to go for coffee.
* Your boss wants to know the details of your personal life.
* Your boss asks you if you'd like a hug.
* Mom tells little Debbie about her troubles with Dad.
* Your new neighbor pats you on the bottom as he turns away.
* Your mother makes a comment about your being overweight.

All but one of the above incidents violate boundaries (your boss asks you if you'd like a hug). In Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine explains what healthy boundaries are, how to recognize if your personal boundaries are being violated, and what you can do to protect yourself.

For anyone who has walked away from a conversation, a meeting, or a visit with others feeling violated and not understanding why, this is a book that can help.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Health, Personal Development, Health

192 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1991

Reviews

[Katie K · Rating 3 out of 5]

My therapist gave me this book to read. I understood the big message - boundaries are important and healthy. However, it was hard to apply some of the more specific messages to my life because all of the examples seemed SO extreme. Abuse, alcoholism, incest - these are things that I have no real experience with. I wish that the author had included a few "tamer" examples. This topic is something that almost everyone could use some help with and I learned a lot of good techniques and exercises to help me with boundaries in my relationships.

[Suz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a quality read that was recommended by a health care professional. The issues of boundaries abound (excuse the pun) in all aspects of our lives.

It is very interesting to read about the way in which past experiences shape who we are, and the way in which these past experiences form the way we manage (or in my case more often than not, mismanage) our boundaries in communication with others. These can be with dealings of close intimacy or strangers we pass in the street.

We can become aware of our areas that need improvement, and learn who to seek support and help from to better ourselves and the way in which we care for ourselves and deal with others. Self-awareness is I think, is the key, and this book will form a solid basis for learning more about yourself. I learned a lot and will hold onto this book, and have recommended and loaned my copy.

My interest in this one was that so clearly our childhood experience can shape who we are now, but with awareness and knowledge we can change a lot of things around, and these are only going to help up form better and more solid lives and connections.

[Greta is Erikasbuddy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not sure how to rate a self help book that hasn't really helped me (as of yet). But it was a good quick read that gave me a couple of ideas.

This book was recommended by my therapist in order to help me understand that I have boundaries. The problems that I found when reading this was it really didn't explain how one explains these boundaries to another. The dialogue they suggested was just like reading a book or having a therapist/teacher explain it in a robotic tone. Because I don't like confrontation I really wanted more.

Also, because my past is not violent in any way, I feel this book might benefit those of incest and abusive backgrounds. I count myself lucky for that.

I believe my problem is minor and am still on the lookout for that perfect eye opening book to help me on my journey

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

A useful book, but not as actionable or relatable as her other book "Where to Draw the Line". This books deals with more extreme scenarios of neglect and sexual/physical/verbal abuse, whereas her other book addresses more common (and sometimes more widely accepted) types of boundary violations. Still a worthwhile read, though, just for the type of thinking it encourages (being an independent person, not self-erasing to meet others' needs, etc.)

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has very simple but extremely helpful material for creating healthy physical and emotional boundaries. If you have had problems with relationships, this may be worth taking a look at, as I found that there were so many things I was doing that were unhealthy. Becoming enmeshed with my partner instead of keeping my independence. It also explains a lot why those who have had situations in their childhood may struggle with these things more than others.

[emalee · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was okay. There are some references to God and the Bible, but the author is not focused on boundaries as it relates to her specific religion. In this book, there is a lot of focus on abuse in various relationships, and on physical/sexual boundary violations in particular. The first person stories can be a little upsetting.

I’m sure this book is helpful for some, but for the type of boundary setting I’m looking to do, this book was a little too intense. I’m hoping the author’s follow up novel is more suited to what I’m looking for.

[DeAnna Knippling · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book on defining boundaries.

This was recommended by my therapist. I found this a bit more than I could chew all at once, and took a break to read up on related topics, which was helpful--this book felt very challenging and even offputting at times, blithely assuming that I didn't need context for why my boundaries were being violated. At times I felt like I was being told it was all my fault, although I suspect the author more likely meant it was my responsibility to make repairs.

I found the exercises helpful, if difficult, and am still working through the last batch. It's been a wild two weeks.

Recommended if you often find yourself unable to say no, sucked into someone else's b.s., or pressured into agreeing with people you don't really agree with.

[Angelique]

Useful for identifying boundary violations/abuse. I’ve found that, for myself, books focused on navigating non-monogamy (such as “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory) have better explicated boundary-setting in a way that feels more applicable to everyday life (e.g. by outlining the specifics of interpersonal boundary-setting, offering examples for assertively/warmly communicating boundaries, and parsing out the ethics of boundary-setting pertaining to emotional labour). But like 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve got time on my hands and books on my shelf so I’m not mad about having read this one

[monah · Rating 3 out of 5]

i feel grateful to say that there was nothing new in this book, however, it’s always beneficial to have a refresher. the more top of mind, the easier to put into practice

[Mike · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't know to what extent this book will aid me in formulating boundaries going forward, but I do know that I felt very rewarded by how much this book re-contextualizes and provides a very sturdy narrative to what had been going on with me. It's provided me with two of the most foolproof post-mortem relationship analyses I've yet to have stumbled upon. So, for that, I am grateful. It gave me a lot of thinking about, provided me an opportunity to put a name to - and admit - this issue I have had with boundaries and attaching myself to people with intense boundary issues. I had learned this lesson the hard way after 2018, but it was all part of an emotionally confusing and label-less morass that pivoted towards feeling like I was protecting myself, ensuring no one stepped across a "hard limit," etc. I had a triumphant moment of axing a friend for stepping on something that is a dealbreaker for me.

Despite those triumphs, this book puts a sound structure and taxonomy to those experiences that I needed in order to help me expedite how to process those sentiments. I do like that the book has a decidedly late-80s early-90s feminist kick to it a la Susan Brownmiller: many examples are given pertaining to the damage that men and men alone do. This book does somewhat subtly target women who struggle with body image, women who were sexually abused by fathers and stepfathers, women who were sexually manipulated or raped by men, etc. As a gay man who has borne more than his fair share of cruelty by other oppressed men who ought to know better, this gave me the book more ample opportunities to identify my own history through its examples.

Obviously, the book is dated, and it is written as if it could be copy for a longer radio advertisement for Boundaries, Inc., but as always, these can be forgiven due to the brevity, necessity, and clarity of the content. There is one completely and utterly tone-deaf paragraph in the book pertaining to AIDS - worthy of changing my values on the book in its entirety - that was utterly confounding, but besides that, this is a good start of a book that leaves one with a lot to work with but also wanting a bit more.

[Ritu Anand · Rating 3 out of 5]

Years ago, a therapist of mine gave me this book. I recently dug it out and re-read it. Before reading this book, I did not have language to go with many of the issues I was having in relationships. This book gave me the language to understand problems I was having in close relationships. It is a good book to introduce someone to the concept of boundaries. It contains some exercises in it that I plan on doing this month. I also just ordered another book by this author called "Where to Draw the Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day" which I look forward to reading. The drawback to this book is that the author uses religious language at times. Also, the author may or may not be "sex positive" or liberal in her views of gender and family. I'm not sure because honestly, I was ignoring those parts because my original intent was to give this book to a person I am having issues with and I was focused on reading it with this person in mind. Then I realized that trying to educate other people on boundaries and mental health is violating boundaries and I need to focus on myself!

[Jim · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can't say I really got that much out of it. Most of the stuff I was pretty much aware of, and it seemed heavily oriented toward individuals whose sexual boundaries were violated (which is not why I was reading it). It seemed a bit dated to me, as well. Maybe I was expecting something a little different. Also, does anyone get a little tired of reaing these type books and thinking that the "exercises" are a bit ridiculous? Maybe for some they're not, but I find them silly.

[Joanne Giacomini · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. It is truly helpful for people looking to set healthy boundaries whether it be with another adult or child. Highly recommended for anyone on the healing journey in any family situation. Great exercises in the book as well.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've ever read to understand why you have the boundaries you do, and how to make them stronger if need be. Super quick read.

[Katie Reardon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really great intro to the concept and importance of boundaries. I loved reading people’s stories and will definitely be applying some of these ideas to my own life.

[Lanre Dahunsi · Rating 4 out of 5]

In Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, author and retired therapist Anne Katherine explain what healthy boundaries are, how to recognize if your personal boundaries are being violated, and what you can do to protect yourself.


“Healthy boundaries protect without isolating, contain without imprisoning, and preserve identity while permitting external connections. Good boundaries make good neighbors.”

what is a Boundary?

A boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others. Your skin is a boundary. Everything within your skin is the physical you.

We have other boundaries as well emotional, spiritual, sexual, and relational. You have a limit to what is safe and appropriate. You have a border that separates you from others. Within this border is your youness, that which makes you an individual different and separate from others.

Boundaries bring order to our lives. As we learn to strengthen our boundaries, we gain a clearer sense of ourselves and our relationship to others. Boundaries empower us to determine how we’ll be treated by others. With good boundaries, we can have the wonderful assurance that comes from knowing we can and will protect ourselves from the ignorance, meanness, or thoughtlessness of others.

The two main types of boundaries are physical and emotional. Our physical limits are marked by our skin; our emotional limits, by age, roles, our relationships with those around us, our requirements for safety, and our choices about how we want to be treated.

Types of Boundaries


Emotional Boundaries : We have a set of feelings and reactions that are distinctly ours. We respond to the world uniquely based on our individual perceptions, our special histories, our values, goals, and concerns. We can find people who react similarly, but no one reacts precisely as we do.

We have spiritual boundaries. You are the only one who knows the right spiritual path for yourself. If someone tries to tell you he knows the only way you can believe, he’s out of line. “You must work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philippians 2:12, New English Bible) We can be assisted but not forced. Our spiritual development comes from our inner selves.

We have sexual boundaries, limits on what is safe and appropriate sexual behavior from others. We have a choice about who we interact with sexually and the extent of that interaction.

We have relational boundaries. The roles we play define the limits of appropriate interaction with others.

“If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you probably had little help with boundary development. You may have grown up without any clear sense of your own boundaries. In fact, you may have been taught to let others run over your boundaries.”

Culture Nuances

What is seen as a healthy boundary in one country or culture may be misunderstood or feared in another culture. Actions interpreted as boundary violations by white people in the United States may be common customs in Native American circles. U.S. citizens, with their easy familiarity, may unwittingly violate boundaries in other more formal countries by practices common within our own borders.

Boundaries, to some extent, are influenced by the values of the culture in which we live. When we interact with other cultures, it’s important to be sensitive to these differences and to remember that each side may unwittingly cross a boundary not from malice but from ignorance.

Intrusion violations:

“Have you ever had an abortion?”

Violations of intrusion occur when a physical or emotional boundary is breached. Incest is a violation of intrusion. Other violations of intrusion include inappropriate personal questions, inappropriate touching, and attempting to control how another thinks, believes, or feels.

Distance violations:

“Adults also need to be touched.”

Violations of distance occur when intimacy is less than what is appropriate to the relationship when someone from whom one has a right to expect closeness is excessively removed or cut off. If closeness is an appropriate part of a relationship and it does not occur, the relationship has too much distance. Again, context is the key that defines the violation.

Enmeshment Is Not Intimacy

There’s a big difference between enmeshment and intimacy. Enmeshment may feel like intimacy, but it is not. Intimacy comes from knowing each other very well, accepting shortcomings and differences, and loving each other anyway. Enmeshment is attempting to feel and think as if you were the same person. Since quite a bit of one’s uniqueness is missed this way, neither person can really be known, a very different experience from intimacy.

Enmeshment – You are Me

When a couple becomes enmeshed, that is, when the individualities of each partner are sacrificed to the relationship, the individuals and the partnership suffer. If childhood is used for survival, then little energy is left to develop a separate sense of self. It’s likely, then, that a person who had to spend childhood surviving would enter marriage as an incomplete person. She’d be vulnerable to absorbing her mate’s perspectives, ideas, and attitudes and taking them as her own.

“Enmeshment, remember, may feel close, but it isn’t. Enmeshment means someone’s individuality is being squashed. An enmeshed person is not known.”

Your Physical Boundaries

Your life is yours. You are the one accountable for your choices. You bear the consequences of your decisions and your body bears the consequences of your decisions about it. You choose what to eat, how much to exercise, how completely to rest. The care of your body is in your hands and you are the one who lives with the results. If you decide to floss your teeth, you get to enjoy healthy gums. If you decide to live in a way that keeps you driven and tense, you are the one who lives with high blood pressure, greater susceptibility to illness, and strained relationships.

“Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.” -Andrew Young

We Are Not Born to Be Victims

Inability to distinguish extreme or inappropriate behavior, excessive tolerance for abuse, impossible expectations of self-perfection, inability to defend oneself, are infallible symptoms of severe childhood abuse. If a child learns that her only permitted response to abuse is to survive it, how, as an adult, can she magically know that defense is permissible?

Unfortunately, many of us have been in situations where we’ve been overpowered physically, where someone has used violence or power to take from us. We are not responsible for that harm. An unfortunate consequence of such violence or abuse of power is that we sometimes believe we are born to be victims. We let others commit even nonviolent offenses against us because we’ve lost the sense (or maybe we never had it to begin with) that we have the right to defend our boundaries.

“The more you stop yourself from being used, the less you broadcast yourself as a victim. Like a wolf who stalks the weak elk in the herd, exploiters will pass you over if you seem strong and feisty. By learning to protect yourself, you lessen the incidences of being threatened.”

Emotional Boundary

The development of emotional boundaries and the development of self go hand in hand. Weak boundaries equal a weak self-image; a healthy self-image equals healthy boundaries. Boundaries without a self would be like a punctured balloon. It collapses when nothing is inside. A self without boundaries is like air without a balloon, shapeless, formless, diffused.

Boundaries without a self would be like a punctured balloon. It collapses when nothing is inside. A self without boundaries is like air without a balloon, shapeless, formless, diffused.

Emotional boundaries define the self. Assaults to boundaries threaten the self. One’s unique self is composed of a complex of ideas, feelings, values, wishes, and perspectives that are duplicated by no other. Emotional boundaries protect this complex.

[Muhammad Muhsin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Banyak orang ngomongin "boundaries" tapi sekenanya, ada yg bikin orang nutup diri 100%, ada yg bikin jadi demen ghosting/silent treatment, dan paling parah self sabotage.

Bayangin kamu jadi pribadi kayak tadi gara2 salah analogi (seperti pakai tembok, pintu, dll), set boundaries tidak fleksibel, tak digabungkan konsep hubungan yg sehat, memperbaiki diri, melatih resiliensi, triangulasi, dll.

Buku ini mempermudah konsep ini, dengan contoh nyata, orang2 yg trauma.

Meski demikian, buku ini sebenarnya sangat triggering sejak penulisnya mengutip kisah pertama (saya ter-trigger berkali-kali).. jadi siapkan "energi" & ketenangan batin saat membacanya.. tapi habis itu bakalan healing karena latar belakang penulis yang memang psikoterapis dan menjelaskan konsep juga cara healing-nya secara pelan-pelan.

Lengkap deh bukunya, karena ada kupasan "tipis-tipis" issue mental health, contoh general soal trauma, & gimana cara ngatasinnya.. Relatif tidak tebal & bisa "menyelamatkan" juga.

Kukasih 5/5 karena klasik & relevan sepanjang masa. 😇

[Crystal Chadwick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Save a few years of therapy

Reading this book helped me understand several common relationship problems that I've had throughout the years and where they were rooted from, and I'll be using the knowledge for many years to come. This book was recommended to me by my wonderful therapist Mary Sanger in Dallas, TX.

Key takeaway: If your boundaries are repeatedly violated as a child, you can lose your sense of who you are and start being overly accommodating and flexible to the point that you're not whole.

Includes useful examples, stories, and exercises. This book even touches on sexual boundary violations as well.

[Rachel Croce · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was pretty heavy and triggering in the beginning, but I think Katherine does a decent job giving clear examples of boundaries and differentiation within relationships, especially when she talks about enmeshment. Boundaries are a difficult concept in general, especially when it comes to emotional boundaries. So, I can understand why previous readers found her book unhelpful. But I would recommend. It might be better read in a safe small group setting.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing

[Degan Walters · Rating 1 out of 5]

Weird mix of unboundaried anecdotes (overt descriptions of sexual abuse with no trigger warnings) interspersed with personal stories and conjecture. I got nearly nothing out of it and found it difficult to read.

[lala · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to the audible audiobook and struggled to pay attention because the book is super outdated and swirling and disorganized in it’s presentation of information. The exercises are mostly silly, the text is very old school and hetero, and all of the information can mostly be found in newer, better books on boundaries. My first introduction to the concept of true intimacy was through Pia Melody’s work. That said, the text had good anecdotes, and even in it’s disorganized way of presenting the information, there were a lot of good reminders of different types of boundaries. I appreciated the focus on childhood trauma, the feminism, and the warm, grandmotherly voice of the reader. It was esspecially affirming in setting boundaries with parents and respecting the autonomy of children, as well as shedding light on domestic emotional abuse and the dangers of marrying with infatuation rather than true knowing. Stay true to yourself and don’t be afraid to express your true opinions and boundaries, no matter the situation! That was the validating takeaway.

[Sonya · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm conflicted about this book -- there is useful content, but it's mired in dated, ultra heteronormative, and downright cringey prose. Some turns of phrase were "The Office" level giggle-worthy (also probably because I'm 12 on the inside), to wit: "Take little steps in exposing yourself. And stop if it's received poorly." I mean, come ON, Anne!

I'm establishing a healthy boundary with this book by firmly but gently explaining that while I appreciate its efforts and enjoyed its company, some parts were not for me.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

good fences make good neighbors. i used to walk away from conversations, meetings or visits feeling violated and i could not figure out why. i had excessive concern for everyone but myself. i needed some serious boundary repair so that rather than feeling defensive or that something was being taken from me, i could feel safe and secure stating my true and real feelings. this book helped me to recognize this character flaw in myself and put me on a path to fixing it.

[Rose]

I've been working on boundaries for years and years but this is first information I found that really explains them thoroughly: how they develop, what can sidetrack their healthy development, what that can cause and how to get back on track. It also includes writing exercises that provide personal insight. The text is really deep and I will probably read it over and over before I actually take in everything it has to say.

[Sita · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good introduction to the concept of boundaries, how your personal boundaries can be violated, and talked about how to create or maintain healthy boundaries. I wanted more on how to create/maintain healthy boundaries. Lots of narrative pieces throughout to illustrate how boundaries are violated, but less on how to protect yourself. The exercises provided at the end of each chapter were not useful to me.

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book is classic for a reason, it totally changed my understanding of emotions, relationships, and myself. it should be required reading in high schools everywhere!

basic message: you have emotional needs and you should learn how to pursue them, and protect yourself from the intrusion of abusive or unaware others. but there's so much more to it.

[M Larsen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very outdated, heteronormative, and appallingly sex-negative. That said, the *exercises* are good & I learned some things. It’s not the world’s worst introduction to boundaries (that’d be ... this reviewer’s childhood) but it’s also a terrible book, and I’m sure there are better contemporary books on the subject out there.

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gendered language and some views I found problematic and disagreed with. (Practicing the exercise of noticing when I disagree to foster self awareness!) But the *ideas* in the book about boundaries, their violations, and intimacy were really helpful and clarifying for me. For someone who's starting from a pretty boundaryless place, this was accessible and sparked lots of self reflection.

[Jean · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short, powerful book about boundaries - setting them, what constitutes good boundaries and bad boundaries, how development is impacted by boundary violations and the hope of healing and repairing. It shed light on boundaries in professional and personal relationships and provides understanding.