Words Can Change Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies to Build Trust, Resolve Conflict, and Increase Intimacy

by Andrew B. Newberg, Mark Robert Waldman

The author of the national bestsellers Why God Won’t Go Away and How God Changes Your Brain reveals groundbreaking research that will make difficult conversations a thing of the past
Sometimes it feels as if the more we talk, the less we are heard. But Andrew Newberg, M.D., and Mark Robert Waldman have discovered a powerful strategy called Compassionate Communication that allows two brains to work together as one.

In twelve clear steps, Compassionate Communication actually changes the brain structure of both participants in a way that helps establish a mutual bond. Free from conflict and distrust, we can communicate more effectively, listen more deeply, and collaborate without effort. Outlining the science, the strategies, and the practical application of Compassionate Communication in a range of personal and professional settings, Newberg and Waldman prove that words can change your brain.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Communication, Business, Brain, Personal Development

267 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 14, 2012

About the author

Dr. Andrew Newberg is Director of Research at the Myrna Brind Center for Integrative Medicine at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital and Medical College. He is also Adjunct Assistant Professor in the Department of Religious Studies at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Board-certified in Internal Medicine and Nuclear Medicine. He is considered a pioneer in the neuroscientific study of religious and spiritual experiences, a field frequently referred to as – neurotheology. His work attempts to better understand the nature of religious and spiritual practices and experiences. This has been compiled into his latest book, Principles of Neurotheology, which reviews the important principles and foundations of neurotheology. Believing that it is important to keep science rigorous and religion religious, he has engaged the topic like few others. He has been fascinated by the implications of this research for the study of the mind, brain, consciousness, morality, theology, and philosophy. He has also been particularly interested in the relationship between the brain, religion, and health. His research has included brain scans of people in prayer, meditation, rituals, and various trance states. He has also performed surveys of people's spiritual experiences and attitudes. Finally, he has evaluated the relationship between religious and spiritual phenomena and health. This includes a recent study on the effect of meditation on memory.

In his career, he has also actively pursued neuroimaging research projects on the study of aging and dementia, Parkinson's disease, depression, and other neurological and psychiatric disorders. He has also researched the neurophysiological correlates of acupuncture, meditation, and alternative therapies, and how brain function is associated with mystical and religious experiences. Dr. Newberg helped develop stress-management programs for the University of Pennsylvania Health Systems and received a Science and Religion Course Award from the Center for Theology and the Natural Sciences for his program entitled "The Biology of Spirituality" in the Department of Religious Studies, University of Pennsylvania. He is currently teaching a course in the Department of Religious Studies entitled, “Science and the Sacred: An Introduction to Neurotheology.”

Dr. Newberg has published over 150 research articles, essays and book chapters, and is the co-author of the best selling books, Why God Won't Go Away: Brain Science and the Biology of Belief (Ballantine, 2001) and How God Changes Your Brain: Breakthrough Findings from a Leading Neuroscientist (Ballantine, 2009). He has also published, Principles of Neurotheology (Ashgate, 2011) Why We Believe What We Believe (Ballantine, 2006), and The Mystical Mind (Fortress Press, 1999). He has presented his research throughout the world in both scientific and public forums. He appeared on Nightline, 20/20, Good Morning America, ABC's World News Tonight, National Public Radio, London Talk Radio and over fifteen nationally syndicated radio programs. His work has been featured in Time, Newsweek, the Los Angeles Times, the Washington Post, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and many other newspapers and magazines. An overview of his work can be viewed at on this site.

Reviews

[Cindy (BKind2Books) · Rating 2 out of 5]

This information was good, but this book could have been m-u-c-h s-h-o-r-t-e-r. The basic premise is that how you converse and listen to people can affect the depth of trust and communication that you obtain in your relationships, be they at home or work. The main strategies are to speak slowly, speak briefly, pause for the other person to respond often, and listen 'deeply'. Now, I've saved you the trouble of reading this. You're welcome.

[Jack Goodstein · Rating 2 out of 5]

Compassionate communication gurus explain the wonderful effects of postive communing in relationships and business. 12 steps will get you there, provided you want to go. If I say negative things people will be less likely to hear me, so I don't want to say anything critical of what is really a very unnecessary book.

[Chanh Nguyen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The meaning of communication is the connection.

1. Mastering others is strength mastering yourself is true power
2. The biggest communication problem is we don't listen to understand. We listen to reply
3. The bill of miscommunication will come due soon
4. Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create

[Lablover · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really am glad I took this out of the library. The author basically spent the first two chapters on a sales pitch as to why you should read the book! I couldn't finish it the book because he started to talk about microexpresions which is not HIS information. That is research done by Paul Eckman, explained in Telling Lies. He claims you really don't want to use any negative words with people because of the effect it might have. Well excuse me but how would we ever correct anything. Excuse my negative vernacular but this book was lousy.

[Harry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never read something more life changing. I'm not a book person, but I took the time to annotate almost every other page on this book. It was truly amazing. This book does so well at introducing new ideas and thoughts. From compassionate communication, to the distinction between the abstract consciousness and the physical brain, this book is so interesting. One thing that stood out to me is the discussion of consciousness. They did very good at discussing the powers we truly hold. Another thing I found great was the techniques. This book provided activities to do while you're reading it. This helped to not only keep me engaged, but to also further my understanding. If you truly want to change your outlook on a lot of things in life, I would highly recommend this book.

[Brian Finifter · Rating 2 out of 5]

This one didn't click for me so much. It reduces down to the usual how-to's of these kinds of books:

1. Practice mindfulness.
2. Focus on gratitude and positivity.
3. Genuinely listen to other people.

But I think there are better presentations of this same basic subject matter, like "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk."

[Kacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone......should........read.......this.......book.

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good parts - application of very recent studies by neuroscientists and business scholars to interpersonal communication, using personal values and strengths to make job decisions and cut down on stress,

Not anything new parts - active listening repackaged as 'compassionate communication,' progressive relaxation repackaged as 'compassionate communication,' and meditation repackaged as 'compassionate communication.'

That said, it wasn't a bad read, and it never hurts to be reminded of these core concepts. There were a few studies mentioned that I will read more closely, and I directed some colleagues to the section on values reflection, because I found it personally useful.

I marked a lot of pages, which I will discuss more in my blog review.

[Janae Mast · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very helpful for me! It’s backed with research, but so easily applicable that I started using some of the strategies already and have had positive results in no time. I don’t know that the writing is exceptional, but the book came to me at the right time and I’m happy to give it five stars!

[Jay French · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this audiobook on a trip a week ago, and I’m afraid that not a whole lot sank in. The key practice I remember is to slow down your conversation, even to ridiculous levels of slowness like one word every few seconds, when you are discussing difficult issues. That is, if you can get your conversation partner to agree. The author walks through a few examples of the use of this technique, which were quite time-consuming on the audiobook. I can see where the extra time allows for the thinking that often occurs instead of listening goes away, replaced by anticipation. The other tactics or practices he describes, like active listening and meditation in preparation for conversation, were not new. Good for reminders of how to converse, and interesting for the slow-talking method proposed.

[Cynthia Armistead · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ok, it's been more than a year after I finished this thing, but for some reason, it wasn't marked "read" when I finished the Audible version. Now I'm left trying to remember specifics in order to write a review.

I recall it as having been an excellent book, and I was very excited about it at the time. I think I'll go back and re-listen to spark recall.

[Alexander · Rating 5 out of 5]

Страхотна книга!! Частта с 30 секундното правило, негативността и съпричастната комуникация са много полезни знания и умения, които човек може да придобие и да упражнява в ежедневната си комуникация с околните.

[Erin Henry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting and I want to try several of the techniques. My one caveat is that he doesn’t seem to make allowance for any negative thoughts.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really like the idea of limiting ourselves to 30 seconds of speaking.. and how it can affect negative emotions.

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated the information shared in this book. Some of it seemed a little absolute--especially about the positivity no matter what, which I think can be UNhelpful sometimes. I like the 12 steps and can see how they'd be valuable to "crucial" conversations where we want to be open and present and stay connected. Many times, people want to be right even when it's more important to be connected. My only complaint is that there were more than a few missing words/typos.

“Our brain has given us the potential to communicate in extraordinary ways, and the ways we choose to use our words can improve the neural functioning of the brain. In fact, a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.” pg. 3

“Mindfulness not only increased a person’s ability to control destructive emotions, it also improved the cognitive functioning of the brain, especially in areas of relating to language and social awareness.” pg. 14

“Our advice: when an important abstract concept comes up in conversation, take a few minutes to explore what it means to each of you. Don’t take your words, or the other person’s, for granted. When you take the time to converse about important values and beliefs, clarifying terms will help both of you avoid later conflicts and confusion.” pg. 29

“By holding a positive and optimistic thought in your mind, you stimulate frontal lobe activity. This area includes specific language centers that connect directly to the motor cortex responsible for moving you into action. And as our research has shown, the longer you concentrate on positive words, the more you begin to affect other areas of the brain. Functions in the parietal lobe start to change, which changes your perception of yourself and the people you interact with. A positive view of yourself will bias you toward seeing the good in others, whereas a negative self-image will incline you toward suspicion and doubt. Over time the structure of your thalamus will also change in response to your conscious words, thoughts, and feelings, and we believe that the thalamic changes affect the way in which you perceive reality.” pg. 34-35

“Normally, when we speak we make the erroneous assumption that other people relate to our words in the same way we do. They don’t. Thus we have to expand our consciousness about language to include the fact that everyone hears something different, even when we are using the same words. Words are needed to create our own inner reality and map of the world, but everyone creates a different map. To put it another way, consciousness—and the language we use to convey our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs—is a very personal and unique experience. When we recognize this neurological fact, we become better communicators because we don’t assume that other people understand what we say.” pg. 58

“When we understand the limitations of everyday consciousness, we can use this information to become better communicators by speaking briefly and then asking the person if they understood what we said. If the concept you want to convey is new or complicated, then repeating your message in different ways will help the other person’s brain to build an inner comprehension of its essential elements.” pg. 60

“We can also improve our communication skills by taking advantage of another neuroscientific fact: the slower we speak, the more the listener’s comprehension will increase. Speaking slowly also relaxes both the speaker’s and listener’s bodies. The result? Less stress and greater understanding, with the least expenditure of words. It’s a win-win situation—for your body, your brain, and each other—and the formula is easy to remember.” pg. 60

“When inner speech turns negative—and it can happen to even the most successful people in the world—it will, over time, generate a plethora of problems. It can stimulate eating disorders, passivity, insomnia, agoraphobia, compulsive gambling, sexual dysfunction, low self-esteem, and depression. It can make you quit your job in a self-destructive way, and it can drive you to treating your family with disdain.
On the other hand, positive self-talk improves attentiveness, autonomy, confidence, and work performance. It doesn’t seem the matter what the words are, as long as they are positive, repetitive, and realistic. And you have to use your words to generate a plan. For example, just wishing you’d make a million dollars won’t make you a penny, but if you use positive inner speech to plot out a sound financial plan, you’ll increase your chances of success enormously. The moment self-doubt creeps in, it will sabotage your drive toward achieving your goals and dreams.” pg. 67

“It’s an interesting paradox: we need to have an observing self to be conscious, but most of us are unconscious of the observing self! Instead we give far more attention to the more superficial self-image of who we think we are. These impressions are filled with our fantasies and judgments about who we want to be and who we fear we might be, but none of these ideas is accurate. When we learn how to use our observing self to watch these other images, we begin to realize that they aren’t necessarily real. They’re just opinions—from ourselves and others—that we’ve come to accept over the years. The emerging research on consciousness suggests that the observing self can take a more accurate view of reality. It doesn’t seem to get upset like our normal selves do, and the more we reflect on this deeper form of awareness, the less anxious and depressed we become.” pg. 74-75

“Like humans, plants use their communication strategies to cooperate with each other and to protect themselves from enemies. For example, some plants can literally cry out for help when they’re being eaten, and the signals they emit can attract carnivorous enemies of the animal grazing on them. Some plants even appear to have the capacity to listen, while others appear to be deaf. They don’t use words, but they do have signaling receptors and pathways that are similar to the communication networks that occur in our brain. And they even have their own form of inner speech. For example, some plants can use their vascular networks to send hormonal signals to other parts of the plant.” pg. 79

“Our advice: never presume that you know what a person really feels and means. The day I, Andy, got married, the rabbi kept repeating to us, ‘Never assume you understand what the other person is thinking—always make sure you ask and find out.’ The best way to do this is indeed to verify your assumptions with a question. For example, you might say something like ‘John, if I understand you correctly, I think you mean . . . Is that right?’ If the other person doesn’t agree, they will appreciate the opportunity you’ve given them to communicate what they really meant.” pg. 84

“In this world of competing beliefs, we feel it is essential to promote a values-driven dialogue that while related to political and religious beliefs for many people, also transcends those beliefs. Thus the foundational element of Compassionate Communication is to honor the core values of both the listener and the speaker. All we have to do is to stop outside of the meeting room, or pause for a moment before we walk through the door of our home, and ask ourselves this question: what do I value most about the person I am about to meet?
If we did this more often, the risk of engaging in conflict would recede.” pg. 119

“Twelve Components of Compassionate Communication
The first six steps are preparatory. The last five strategies are for when you engage in dialogue.
1. Relax
2. Stay present
3. Cultivate inner silence
4. Increase positivity
5. Reflect on your deepest values
6. Access a pleasant memory
7. Observe nonverbal cues
8. Express appreciation
9. Speak warmly
10. Speak slowly
11. Speak briefly
12. Listen deeply” pg. 123

“If you drop the pitch of your voice and talk more slowly, the listener will hear and respond with greater trust.” pg. 138

“We use our words to express our wounds, and we use our words to heal. Thus it makes great sense that we train our voices to speak warmly, with confidence, empathy, and hope. Organizational psychologists at the University of Amsterdam concur: A strong, harsh, or dominant voice may impel others to comply with our wishes, but it will generate resentment that leads to weaker performance. A warm supportive voice is the sign of transformational leadership and will generate more satisfaction, commitment, and cooperation between members of a team.” pg. 139

“If you’re not sure what to say or not to say, ask yourself the following question: can the other person hear and respond in a positive, compassionate way to what I want to say? If not, then the likelihood of having a conversation that leads to a positive outcome is limited. This is a rule that we suggest you apply, whenever possible, to all conversations you have.” pg. 155

“Ask this question: what would you like me to change about the way I communicate with you that would improve our interaction?” pg. 162

“Compassionate Communication is not just about the dialogue. It’s also about the space two people create during a conversation. You are practicing how to be with another person, in conversation, and in silence. When you honor this shared space, the relationship can take on a numinous quality that brings with it a heightened sense of awareness and aliveness.” pg. 166

“Trust is one of the most important elements in a relationship because it can determine whether a relationship will succeed or fail. If you trust your partner, your relationship will thrive; if not, it won’t. Lack of trust leads to conflict, and conflict leads to what psychologists call ‘attachment anxiety.’ In other words, quarrels and emotional arguments make it difficult for people to feel emotionally safe.
Low self-esteem and fear of rejection will also undermine relationship stability and trust. In fact, the expression of any form of emotional anxiety and self-doubt acts as a signal to your loved ones or business associates that you are poorly handling interpersonal conflicts. How can the other person tell? By reading the negative facial expressions that are generated by neural dissonance in your frontal lobes.
Relationships thrive when people are immersed in an environment of positivity, mutual respect, cooperation, and trust. There’s just no room for chronic negativity and self-doubt in business or in love.” pg. 173

Book: borrowed from SSF Main Library.

[Dinesh Madhusoodanan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Over the years I have read this book a few times & grown in aspects of communication after reading the book..
It is espectially an important read in a pluralistic society such as ours, as our daily interactions can create a lot of miscommunication. Fortunately due to neuroplasticity of our brains it is possible for anyone to learn, unlearn and re learn and build a growth mindset, This is a book the entire world should read because it paves a path to a more compassionate & understanding world.

The book empasizes the importance of compassionate communication, and meditation and it's impact on shaping our brains, habbits and it's profound impact on our relationships..

I was fortunate to be brought up in a family where compassionate communication always played a key role. As an adult in mid 30s trying to find a partner to start a family, I cherish this book more than ever in this fast pace dating world.

It teaches me ways to be present, to always be compassionate to partner, to not be judgemental, & most importantly to not lean into impulsivity and to take decisions with care, to have biases etc..

If you don't have time to read the whole book, definitely read chapters 2 to 7.

[Tara Edelman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Jedi Mind Tricks! Easy read, though I have to admit I didn't do the exercises and skimmed the last 50 pages. Some great insights into thinking about HOW you communicate, how you affect the people in your life and how you can have more successful, constructive interactions in your personal and business lives. Also, useful for thinking about core values and staying true to them in your day-to-day conversations and decision making. Would be constructive for anyone who might feel like they are struggling on the "gets along well with others" part of their report card. We all have moments when it feels that way...right??

Perhaps a little extreme in its bias against anger and negativity. Would be difficult to credibly execute in a lot of environments. Might seem pollyannaish, But coming from such an extreme approach might help people consider their frustration more critically and work through it more constructively.

[Marjorie Elwood · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had very mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, it had some very good ideas, such as: speaking more slowly, ensuring that you are relaxed and positive prior to engaging in a discussion, and most importantly for me: speaking briefly. There were certainly portions that I would like to try out. There were also numerous studies quoted about the power of words and how we say things. On the other hand, it was very proscriptive with its '12-step program'.

[Sara Dahaabović · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sep, 16, 2020.

[Daniel Barenboim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Many reviews that I read about this book were brutal. The book was not what I expected when reading the title and it doesn't really accomplish what the title says. The books focus involves a 12 step path to improving your communication. The beginning starts off weak but the bulk of the good stuff is towards the middle.


Diamonds discovered:
- Just 60 seconds of breathing exercises before a conversation will do the trick. According to a 2007 study published by the United States National Academy of Sciences, this is enough to activate areas of the brain that control mood, social awareness, and communication. Focusing on your breath brings you back to what’s happening in the moment, making you attentive to the other person’s words and emotions.
- Negativity not only hinders communication, it actually harms your brain in the long run. That’s why the fourth step to becoming a better communicator is: increasing positivity. Every time you air even the smallest negative thought, your brain and the brain of anyone who hears you releases stress hormones. These hormones cause anxiety and irritability, and they reduce your ability to cooperate and trust others.
- Before an important conversation, imagine a positive dialogue. In 2010, researchers at Purdue University in Indiana found that people who approached conversations optimistically were more likely to be happy with the outcome.
- Step six in the journey to better communication: thinking of a happy memory. Recalling a happy memory, especially one involving a loved one, gives you an expression similar to Mona Lisa’s smile. Not only is this inviting, it also makes you more empathetic, and open to honest communication.
- Practice some other expressions by making angry, sad, and scared faces in front of a mirror. Each face will set off mental and emotional responses. By practicing, you can learn to recognize the corresponding feelings, making it easier to catch yourself before you unknowingly express them during conversations.
- If someone called you on the phone and sounded aggressive from the get-go, you’d be much less likely to hear them out or cooperate. Like this phone call, your attempts at communication can easily go downhill if you don’t use the right words and tone. Express appreciation and use a warm tone to encourage receptiveness.
- By beginning and ending every conversation with a compliment, you affirm the other person and encourage positive interaction. The only rule is that the compliment has to be genuine. It has to be something that you really do believe and respect about the other person.
- To achieve a warm tone, borrow a trick from actors and think of caring conversations you’ve had in the past. Using a lower pitch is also helpful, as researchers at the University of Houston learned while observing oncologists delivering bad news to patients. When the oncologists spoke in lower voices, patients thought they were more sympathetic. However, this doesn’t mean you should always sound warm and caring. If your overall tone doesn’t match your words, you’ll only confuse people.
- To really hear and be heard, say less, speak slowly, and listen deeply. Tenth of the 12 steps to better communication: Speaking slowly not only helps with understanding, it also fosters respect and has a comforting effect. In contrast, when we speak quickly, we can make others anxious or afraid.
- How long should you speak before giving the listener a break? The answer is 30 seconds, at the very most. You should pause after each new bit of information you share, allowing the other person to process your words or ask questions. Lastly, when it’s time to respond, we should actually address what the other person has said. Changing the topic or bringing up something we said previously only breaks the flow of the conversation.

[Brandi D'Angelo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got a kick out of this excerpt about the differences of men and women in regards to communication, "....there is little evidence to show that one sex communicates better than the other. Except when it comes to talkativeness. Can you guess which sex is more guilty? Men!" My mother would definitely agree with this. Personally, I think everyone likes to talk, especially when they have an attentive listener.

Words Can Change Your Brain will teach you how to improve your communication with those around you. They list twelve steps, which I won't go into detail here, but I think a few of the most important ones were:

-Speak slowly; this is not natural to most people, but the authors assure us that it will greatly improve understanding.

-Speak briefly; in fact, the authors suggest that you take turns speaking only one or two sentences for thirty seconds or less. "it's especially effective when mediating volatile dialogues between opposing parties."

-Enter into communication with a positive demeanor. This seems obvious, but if we consciously do this before speaking with people, it will have dramatic results.

Highly recommend!

[Paul Bard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rigorously backed by empirical studies, this landmark instruction text presents findings about the brain and emotions that, separately, have little significance. But together with a single strategy this book shares a genuinely original and powerful intervention:

Speak a sentence only, very slow and low, with warmth and calm, and invite others to do the same, listening to their face and tone as much as their words, and deeply pausing to respond to that.

Brain informed relating is as simple and direct a change one can make that changes everything.

One reviewer notes chapters 3 to 7 are the essence. I also found the opening chapters and applications vital, because the book makes a big new promise on old information and this needs context.

One warning: it's a lot to take in. Even my re-reading brief sections, it meant something different. It will require re-reading, and slow reading the instructional bits.

I understand the other low reviews: it seems like old information. But the context is new.

For anyone who has ever done gratitude lists or lovingkindness practice and wondered what it was supposed to be about, this book is the larger skillset.

[Jezzeri · Rating 3 out of 5]

12 strategies of compassionate communication: 1. Relax 2. Stay present 3. Cultivate inner silence 4. Increase positivity 5. Reflect on your deepest values 6. Access a pleasant memory 7. Observe nonverbal cues 8. Express appreciation 9. Speak warmly 10. Speak slowly 11. Speak briefly 12. Listen deeply. By responding only to what the other person just said, both speaker and listener learn how to stay focused on the present moment, and this allows a stronger interpersonal connection to be established. If we don't create a "speace" in which hidden concerns and problems can be shared, then we have failed to communicate effectively. Compassionate communication creates such a space by limiting the speaker's time and increasing active listening. When we limit ourselves to speaking for only thirty seconds, the brain quickly adapts by filtering out irrelevant information. The other advantage to speaking briefly is that it limits our ability to express negative emotions. The moment a person expresses even the slightest degree of negativity, it increases negativity in both the speaker's and listener's brains. The best way to deal with negativity is to observe it inwardly, without reaction and without judgment. The next step is to consciously reframe each negative feeling and thought by shaping it into a positive, compassionate, and solution-based direction. Another way to prevent negativity is to express frequent comments of appreciation that are heartfelt and genuine. Words shape the reality we perceive.

12 Strategies of Compassionate Communication: 1. Relax 2. Stay present 3. Cultivate inner silence 4. Increase positivity 5. Reflect on your deepest values 6. Access a pleasant memory 7. Observe nonverbal cues 8. Express appreciation 9. Speak warmly 10. Speak slowly 11. Speak briefly 12. Listen deeply

[Jonah R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

As you’ve seen from the examples in this book, talking and communication are two very different things! That’s why communication is an art form: it’s all about finding the right balance of verbal and nonverbal communication to convey your point in a way that resonates with another person. Good communication can be difficult to learn, but with the right tools and enough practice, you can learn to be a very successful communicator. The authors believe that all you need to do is learn the difference between positive and negative communication. When you replace “shut down” statements with calm and clear explanations, you can talk to another person instead of talking at them. You can also use open body language and positive facial expressions to make other people feel at ease and be receptive to what you have to say.

[Robert · Rating 2 out of 5]

3x

If you want to relax, lean back, take three deep breaths, yawn, and then think of calming words. This can actually change the way your genes express themselves. Say no to genetic determinism. Thinking of yourself negatively causes you to think of others negatively. The author would say that this trend should be reversed, but I am cautious to believe that people will be less sinful than I would otherwise think. Self-delusion is a possibility that should be guarded against. Telling yourself that you are entering into a mutually beneficial exchange will help you to act that way. To encourage empathetic resonance, imagine that you are in the situation as the person with whom you are speaking, ie. the impartial spectator.


If I understand you correctly you mean x, is that true?

[Robert Bogue]

On the one hand, there’s plenty of research that our memories aren’t stored in words, they’re stored in concepts. There’s the awareness that most of communication – particularly emotional communication – is done with body language. On the other hand, there’s Words Can Change Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies to Build Trust, Resolve Conflict, and Increase Intimacy. We know that words do matter. That’s why there are marketing copywriters and political speech writers who spend their entire careers trying to get into our head and shape our thoughts.

Read more

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Divergent thoughts on how to effectively communicate with other people in business settings, with a spouse or children. Chapter 9 is dedicated entirely to tangible techniques enabling opportunities for hands on practice. My husband was not 100% open to these techniques (they’re DIFFERENT) but after listening to my praise he has made this his next book club pick at work. My hopes are after he digests the information he’ll be more open minded to practice. You get in what you put out. If you do not practice what you learn, the knowledge you learn in this book will slowly dissipate. If your interested in deep,y connecting with others and getting your point across concisely, this ones for you!

[Jim · Rating 4 out of 5]

While a lot of the advice in this book seems pretty basic (mainly to relax, stay positive, and speak slowly), it is backed up with some intriguing studies and detailed examples. I found some of the activities to be especially useful, especially the ones that require a partner. I actually read this because a friend suggested it. We worked through a few of the activities, including the "gazing" exercise, and we noticed expressions in each other's faces we never had before... in 12 years!

Like most self-help books, this one will really only add value if the reader engages in the activities and makes an effort to apply the advice. I am including both in my new year's goals.

[Quinns Pheh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Effective communication is achievable through 12 clear and practical steps. To start off, learn to calm your mind and be present, while taming your inner speech. Then, approach conversation with a positive attitude and engage in ways that align with your inner values. Pay attention to what others’ expressions might be communicating. Warm tone and affirmation to make them more receptive. Moreover, you should speak slowly and briefly, give time for others, so that people understand you. Lastly, always remember to listen intently so that you could respond appropriately.

[Stephen Sorensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I gave this book 5-stars mainly because the information was well curated for a book of this genre. The authors discussed many of the fundamentals for having production conversations and they provided numerous exercises for applying the information in your day to day life.

The book had 370 citations that (from what I could tell from reading some of them) were summarized and utilized throughout the book. For beginners to this area of study, this is a great book and a short read. To veterans of the study, the book does not provide much new or novel information.

Overall, I enjoyed the book.