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Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy
Understand your psyche in a clear and comprehensive way, and resolve deep-seated emotional issues. Self-Therapy makes the power of a cutting-edge psychotherapy approach accessible to everyone. Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) has been spreading rapidly across the country in the past decade. It is incredibly effective on a wide variety of life issues, such as self-esteem, procrastination, depression, and relationship issues. IFS is also user-friendly; it helps you to comprehend the complexity of your psyche. Dr. Earley shows how IFS is a complete method for psychological healing that you can use on your own.
Self-Therapy is also helpful for therapists because it presents the IFS model in such detail that it is a manual for the method.
Jay's classes have been life-transforming for me, and this wonderful book is a support for Self-leadership. I often feel heartfelt gratitude at finding myself standing strong after having been guided by Jay through my inner tangle of parts.
-- Elizabeth Russell, Florida
Jay has a great talent for making complex things easy to understand. The vignettes are very useful in seeing how IFS works in real life, and the help sheets are particularly valuable when you work on yourself.
-- Sandy Therry, M. Couns., Perth, Western Australia
Dr. Earley's clinical competence and passion for teaching IFS provide an invaluable, user-friendly companion for students and practitioners alike. His clear descriptions, outlines, illustrations, exercises, and transcriptions offer a thorough and systematic contribution to the understanding and application of this magical
model for transformation and healing.
-- Laura S. Schmidt, MA, LMFT, Spokane, WA
Self-Therapy was a big help to me in the beginning when I didn't have much knowledge of IFS or myself. The transcripts were intriguing because I looked at other people's experience in the book and recognized my parts. This helped me to realize that I'm not the only one with these difficult feelings. In my journal I
wrote out the answers to each of the questions for my parts, and this brought it all together for me.
-- Mindy Lamberson, Des Moines, Iowa
Self-Therapy is also helpful for therapists because it presents the IFS model in such detail that it is a manual for the method.
Jay's classes have been life-transforming for me, and this wonderful book is a support for Self-leadership. I often feel heartfelt gratitude at finding myself standing strong after having been guided by Jay through my inner tangle of parts.
-- Elizabeth Russell, Florida
Jay has a great talent for making complex things easy to understand. The vignettes are very useful in seeing how IFS works in real life, and the help sheets are particularly valuable when you work on yourself.
-- Sandy Therry, M. Couns., Perth, Western Australia
Dr. Earley's clinical competence and passion for teaching IFS provide an invaluable, user-friendly companion for students and practitioners alike. His clear descriptions, outlines, illustrations, exercises, and transcriptions offer a thorough and systematic contribution to the understanding and application of this magical
model for transformation and healing.
-- Laura S. Schmidt, MA, LMFT, Spokane, WA
Self-Therapy was a big help to me in the beginning when I didn't have much knowledge of IFS or myself. The transcripts were intriguing because I looked at other people's experience in the book and recognized my parts. This helped me to realize that I'm not the only one with these difficult feelings. In my journal I
wrote out the answers to each of the questions for my parts, and this brought it all together for me.
-- Mindy Lamberson, Des Moines, Iowa
340 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2009
1096 people are currently reading
4849 people want to read
About the author
Jay Earley
43 books79 followersJay Earley, Ph.D., is a transformational psychologist, group leader, psychotherapist, coach, author, teacher, and theorist.
Jay is trained in Internal Family Systems Therapy and assists with professional trainings in IFS. He leads IFS Classes for the general public which teach IFS as a practice for self-help and peer counseling. He is active in the IFS community and has presented a number of workshops at IFS annual conferences. He also teaches classes on Communication from the Heart, based on IFS, interactive groups, and the Pattern System.
He is nationally known for his innovation in the group psychotherapy field. His book, Interactive Group Therapy: Integrating Interpersonal, Action-Oriented, and Psychodynamic Approaches, Brunner/Mazel, describes his group therapy method in which people learn interpersonal relationship skills by working directly on their relationships with each other. During his ten years on the east coast, Jay was Director of the Group Therapy Center of Long Island, where he trained group therapists in this method. He has written a number of articles on interactive groups and made numerous presentations at regional and national psychotherapy conferences. He continues to lead interactive therapy groups in the Bay Area.
Jay offers Life Purpose Coaching and Change Agent Coaching, on finding your life purpose and making a difference in the world. He has been writing about and leading workshops on Life Purpose since 1984. He has collected his writings on life purpose into an ebook Finding Your Life Purpose.
Jay has created the Pattern System, a method for understanding interpersonal behavior and its underlying psychological issues, which is compatible with IFS. It is used for personal growth, understanding relationships, and interpersonal assessment and treatment in psychotherapy.
In Jay's work with people, he is known for his empathy and his ability to understand a client's feelings, issues, and world view without imposing his own personality or agenda. His insight into human motivation and psychological patterns enables him to help people understand both their strengths and how they block themselves from getting what they want. Because of his own life-long journey of personal growth, his interest in the nature of human consciousness, and his success in creating a passionate and satisfying life for himself, his clients trust him to understand their struggles and spiritual longings, and to support their search for excitement and meaning in life.
Jay has a Ph.D. in psychology from Saybrook Graduate School and is a graduate of the Gestalt Institute of San Francisco. He is a licensed psychologist in California (PSY6973) and a Certified Group Therapist. He has been in private practice as a psychotherapist working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1973.
Jay's commitment to his own personal development has led him to participate in a wide variety of therapeutic and growth endeavors over the years. He has a loving, successful 20 year marriage and professional partnership with Bonnie Weiss. He has studied with Richard Olney, Jean Houston, Joanna Macy, and Richard Schwartz. He is a long-time student of the Diamond Approach of A. H. Almaas, a spiritual path that integrates psychotherapy insights and techniques with wisdom traditions in a unique Western approach to spiritual realization.
As a result of his research on human social evolution and its relationship to our current global predicament, Jay has published a number of articles plus the book, Transforming Human Culture: Social Evolution and the Planetary Crisis, SUNY Press.
During the 1980's, Jay studied with both Jean Houston and Joanna Macy. He was active in the peace movement as a member of Interhelp and Psychotherapists for Social Responsibility, where he led workshops which integrated psychological, spiritual, and planetary concerns. Study of the process by which people discover and actualize their life purpose led Jay to wri
Jay is trained in Internal Family Systems Therapy and assists with professional trainings in IFS. He leads IFS Classes for the general public which teach IFS as a practice for self-help and peer counseling. He is active in the IFS community and has presented a number of workshops at IFS annual conferences. He also teaches classes on Communication from the Heart, based on IFS, interactive groups, and the Pattern System.
He is nationally known for his innovation in the group psychotherapy field. His book, Interactive Group Therapy: Integrating Interpersonal, Action-Oriented, and Psychodynamic Approaches, Brunner/Mazel, describes his group therapy method in which people learn interpersonal relationship skills by working directly on their relationships with each other. During his ten years on the east coast, Jay was Director of the Group Therapy Center of Long Island, where he trained group therapists in this method. He has written a number of articles on interactive groups and made numerous presentations at regional and national psychotherapy conferences. He continues to lead interactive therapy groups in the Bay Area.
Jay offers Life Purpose Coaching and Change Agent Coaching, on finding your life purpose and making a difference in the world. He has been writing about and leading workshops on Life Purpose since 1984. He has collected his writings on life purpose into an ebook Finding Your Life Purpose.
Jay has created the Pattern System, a method for understanding interpersonal behavior and its underlying psychological issues, which is compatible with IFS. It is used for personal growth, understanding relationships, and interpersonal assessment and treatment in psychotherapy.
In Jay's work with people, he is known for his empathy and his ability to understand a client's feelings, issues, and world view without imposing his own personality or agenda. His insight into human motivation and psychological patterns enables him to help people understand both their strengths and how they block themselves from getting what they want. Because of his own life-long journey of personal growth, his interest in the nature of human consciousness, and his success in creating a passionate and satisfying life for himself, his clients trust him to understand their struggles and spiritual longings, and to support their search for excitement and meaning in life.
Jay has a Ph.D. in psychology from Saybrook Graduate School and is a graduate of the Gestalt Institute of San Francisco. He is a licensed psychologist in California (PSY6973) and a Certified Group Therapist. He has been in private practice as a psychotherapist working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1973.
Jay's commitment to his own personal development has led him to participate in a wide variety of therapeutic and growth endeavors over the years. He has a loving, successful 20 year marriage and professional partnership with Bonnie Weiss. He has studied with Richard Olney, Jean Houston, Joanna Macy, and Richard Schwartz. He is a long-time student of the Diamond Approach of A. H. Almaas, a spiritual path that integrates psychotherapy insights and techniques with wisdom traditions in a unique Western approach to spiritual realization.
As a result of his research on human social evolution and its relationship to our current global predicament, Jay has published a number of articles plus the book, Transforming Human Culture: Social Evolution and the Planetary Crisis, SUNY Press.
During the 1980's, Jay studied with both Jean Houston and Joanna Macy. He was active in the peace movement as a member of Interhelp and Psychotherapists for Social Responsibility, where he led workshops which integrated psychological, spiritual, and planetary concerns. Study of the process by which people discover and actualize their life purpose led Jay to wri
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April 14, 2020
People tend to think of themselves as one thing. I am me. But right there, the idea that "I" am "me" connotes a certain division between a "noticing" part (I) and a thinking, feeling, behaving, relating part (me).
Even a cursory inspection reveals that, on at least some level, the "individual" personality is made out of "parts".
Somewhat metaphorically but also quite literally, these "parts" compete for dominance of our behavior.
I assume everyone has had the experience of feeing conflicted about an important decision.
I assume everyone has had the experience of feeing like "part of me wants to do (x), but another part of me wants to do (y).
Sometimes it's as if you are an audience or a judge watching a little debate playing out in your own head. Part of you is arguing for doing it, and another part of you is just saying no!
The observation that our (normal, healthy) psychology is made of parts (sub-personalities) is the fundamental assumption of Internal Family Systems (IFS), an approach to individual psychotherapy developed by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.
Working with the "parts" and getting them integrated and playing well together is the goal of IFS.
The Self:
IFS posits that all individuals have an Essential Self (referred to simply as The Self) which is described as a stable, equanimous locus of nonjudgmental observation and non reactive, flexible behavior.
For instance:
When part of you feels angry and wants to tell your boss to fuck off, and another part of you is scared to loose your job and just wants to say yes sir. This is an example of parts in conflict.
When you are ruminating over what to do, and you notice yourself having a little internal dialogue, The part of you that simply notices would be considered the "Essential Self" or simply the Self.
Odds are pretty good that you aught to behave according to what that "self" guy says. Learning how to do that is what IFS is all about.
Protectors:
Protectors are parts that aim to shield the individual from painful or traumatic feelings and experiences .
Exiles:
Exiles are parts that are in pain, shame, fear, or trauma, usually from childhood.
Roles:
Different Parts play different roles and have distinctly different beliefs, feeling tones and agendas.
For instance:
If you've been badly burned in relationships in the past. One part may be very sensitive and vigilant to signs of rejection. Another part may be highly protective of and want to defend the wounded part. Yet another part may be hungry for love and connection and may be more inclined to take risks. These parts can be in conflict or work in alliance with one another.
Extreme Roles:
Protectors become active when an Exile is in pain.
Protectors take on "Extreme Rolls" in order to protect us from the extreme pain of Exiles.
IFS focuses on parts in extreme roles because they are in need of transformation through therapy.
All In The Family:
IFS observes that often times a persons system of inner parts has a similar feeling tone and functions in a way that is similar to the individual family of origin.
If your family is anything like mine, this is some really fucking bad news. IFS is here to help us with this particular problem.
Unblending:
Unblending refers to the process of differentiating the part (Exile or Protector) from The Self, In order to (a) get to know the Part, and (b) heal the Part.
Self Leadership:
The essential task of IFS therapy is learning to "stay in self" i.e. learning not to dissociate into one of the Parts.
The ultimate goal of IFS therapy is to unite the family of Parts under the leadership of the Self. In other words, to get all the sub-personalities on the same team and taking direction from the authentic, adult you.
Step by Step:
IFS has developed a step by step protocol for disarming a Protector and healing an Exile
1: Getting to know a protector
P1: accessing the protector
P2: unblending from a protector
P3: unblending from a concerned part
P4: discovering a protectors positive intent
P5: developing a positive relationship with a protector
2: Getting permission to work with an exile
3: Getting permission to know an exile
E1: accessing the exile
E2: unblending from an exile
E3: unblending from a concerned part
P4: learning about an exile
P5: developing a trusting relationship with an exile
4: accessing and witnessing childhood memories
5: repairing an exile
6: retrieving an exile
7: unburdening an exile
8: transforming a protector
If you would like to learn more about the IFS model, and exactly how to accomplish the work outlined above, than unfortunately you'll have to read the book.
I say unfortunately, because the book kind of sucks. It's rather confusing and contains a lot of disorienting redundancy.
Sitting On The Fence:
Im not crazy about this book, and I'm ambivalent about he IFS model.
I will say that I have been employing the model in my case conceptualizations and in my clinical work and it has been useful and insight provoking.
But part of me (wah, waah) feels like the model is (a) dated and (b) too overwrought to be of much use to me as a clinician.
My work will definitely be influenced by IFS, but I'm not exactly cueing up to drink the koolaid.
In all likelihood I'll use parts (oh geez) of it and leave the rest.
I recognize the value of "Parts Work", but IFS is only one way of encountering and working with Parts.
IFS is heavily influenced by earlier models such as Transactional Analysis, and frankly Part (it's getting old) of me prefers the vintage stuff (double pun, old, vintage...right?).
Transactional Analysis:
Transactional analysis (TA) examines the interactions, or 'transactions', between a person and other people.
The underlying precept is that people display different "ego-states" (that should ring a bell) that change in relation to others behavior.
Ego-States (Parts by another name):
According to TA, there are three basic ego-states:
The Parent:
An ego-state in which people behave, feel, and think in response to an unconscious emulation of how their parents (or other parental figures) acted.
For example:
When a person is castigating being judgmental of another, this may be the Parent ego-state in action.
The Adult:
The "no drama" equanimous, non judgmental, here and now oriented, rational, solution focused, stable core of the personality.
While a person is in the Adult ego-state, he/she is directed towards a mater of fact, present moment oriented appraisal of reality.
Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of TA.
The Child:
An ego-state in which people behave, feel, and think similarly to how they did in childhood.
For example:
A person who is reprimanded by their boss (the Parent) may respond by becoming small, averting their gaze, looking at the floor and crying or pouting, as when scolded as a child.
I can't possibly do TA justice in this short from. But suffice it to say, it's a very simple, powerful model of interpersonal behavior analysis that deals with parts.
See the following (really interesting and fun) animated video describing TA in more detail:
http://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o
The Future Of Parts Work:
Evolutionary Psychology:
Evolutionary Psychology (EP) asserts that we humans evolved various cognitive "Modules" i.e. distinct cognitive subroutines that serve different functions and activate under different circumstances.
Cognitive Neuroscience:
Cognitive Neuroscience (CN) asserts that our brain is modular, and our behavior and personality largely depend on which module is activated and which ones are "off line".
Mindfulness:
Mindfulness based psychotherapy is essentially focused on what IFS calls "Self Leadership" or what TA calls "strengthening the Adult".
Mindfulness trains the equanimous, flexible prefrontal cortex to stay engaged when the freaky amygdala tries to "hijack" your behavior.
The Future Of Parts:
When I do parts work, I'm more inclined to ground the ideas in findings of EP and CN and mindfulness, even though no psychotherapy model (that I'm aware of) explicitly integrates these ideas.
It's totally apparent that we must befriend and integrate our parts and strengthen the Adult and lead from the Self and all that.
But I view TA and IFS as transitional pronto-modalities of a future model that really hits the nail on the head and grounds these ideas in the rational and findings of evolutionary biology and neuroscience and secular mindfulness.
Hopefully someone will create that model soon.
In the meantime TA and IFS are still pretty useful.
WARNING. POETRY ALERT!!!!!!
Walt Whitman said:
"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes".
To this verity, I humbly and without judgment say, true dat!
Even a cursory inspection reveals that, on at least some level, the "individual" personality is made out of "parts".
Somewhat metaphorically but also quite literally, these "parts" compete for dominance of our behavior.
I assume everyone has had the experience of feeing conflicted about an important decision.
I assume everyone has had the experience of feeing like "part of me wants to do (x), but another part of me wants to do (y).
Sometimes it's as if you are an audience or a judge watching a little debate playing out in your own head. Part of you is arguing for doing it, and another part of you is just saying no!
The observation that our (normal, healthy) psychology is made of parts (sub-personalities) is the fundamental assumption of Internal Family Systems (IFS), an approach to individual psychotherapy developed by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.
Working with the "parts" and getting them integrated and playing well together is the goal of IFS.
The Self:
IFS posits that all individuals have an Essential Self (referred to simply as The Self) which is described as a stable, equanimous locus of nonjudgmental observation and non reactive, flexible behavior.
For instance:
When part of you feels angry and wants to tell your boss to fuck off, and another part of you is scared to loose your job and just wants to say yes sir. This is an example of parts in conflict.
When you are ruminating over what to do, and you notice yourself having a little internal dialogue, The part of you that simply notices would be considered the "Essential Self" or simply the Self.
Odds are pretty good that you aught to behave according to what that "self" guy says. Learning how to do that is what IFS is all about.
Protectors:
Protectors are parts that aim to shield the individual from painful or traumatic feelings and experiences .
Exiles:
Exiles are parts that are in pain, shame, fear, or trauma, usually from childhood.
Roles:
Different Parts play different roles and have distinctly different beliefs, feeling tones and agendas.
For instance:
If you've been badly burned in relationships in the past. One part may be very sensitive and vigilant to signs of rejection. Another part may be highly protective of and want to defend the wounded part. Yet another part may be hungry for love and connection and may be more inclined to take risks. These parts can be in conflict or work in alliance with one another.
Extreme Roles:
Protectors become active when an Exile is in pain.
Protectors take on "Extreme Rolls" in order to protect us from the extreme pain of Exiles.
IFS focuses on parts in extreme roles because they are in need of transformation through therapy.
All In The Family:
IFS observes that often times a persons system of inner parts has a similar feeling tone and functions in a way that is similar to the individual family of origin.
If your family is anything like mine, this is some really fucking bad news. IFS is here to help us with this particular problem.
Unblending:
Unblending refers to the process of differentiating the part (Exile or Protector) from The Self, In order to (a) get to know the Part, and (b) heal the Part.
Self Leadership:
The essential task of IFS therapy is learning to "stay in self" i.e. learning not to dissociate into one of the Parts.
The ultimate goal of IFS therapy is to unite the family of Parts under the leadership of the Self. In other words, to get all the sub-personalities on the same team and taking direction from the authentic, adult you.
Step by Step:
IFS has developed a step by step protocol for disarming a Protector and healing an Exile
1: Getting to know a protector
P1: accessing the protector
P2: unblending from a protector
P3: unblending from a concerned part
P4: discovering a protectors positive intent
P5: developing a positive relationship with a protector
2: Getting permission to work with an exile
3: Getting permission to know an exile
E1: accessing the exile
E2: unblending from an exile
E3: unblending from a concerned part
P4: learning about an exile
P5: developing a trusting relationship with an exile
4: accessing and witnessing childhood memories
5: repairing an exile
6: retrieving an exile
7: unburdening an exile
8: transforming a protector
If you would like to learn more about the IFS model, and exactly how to accomplish the work outlined above, than unfortunately you'll have to read the book.
I say unfortunately, because the book kind of sucks. It's rather confusing and contains a lot of disorienting redundancy.
Sitting On The Fence:
Im not crazy about this book, and I'm ambivalent about he IFS model.
I will say that I have been employing the model in my case conceptualizations and in my clinical work and it has been useful and insight provoking.
But part of me (wah, waah) feels like the model is (a) dated and (b) too overwrought to be of much use to me as a clinician.
My work will definitely be influenced by IFS, but I'm not exactly cueing up to drink the koolaid.
In all likelihood I'll use parts (oh geez) of it and leave the rest.
I recognize the value of "Parts Work", but IFS is only one way of encountering and working with Parts.
IFS is heavily influenced by earlier models such as Transactional Analysis, and frankly Part (it's getting old) of me prefers the vintage stuff (double pun, old, vintage...right?).
Transactional Analysis:
Transactional analysis (TA) examines the interactions, or 'transactions', between a person and other people.
The underlying precept is that people display different "ego-states" (that should ring a bell) that change in relation to others behavior.
Ego-States (Parts by another name):
According to TA, there are three basic ego-states:
The Parent:
An ego-state in which people behave, feel, and think in response to an unconscious emulation of how their parents (or other parental figures) acted.
For example:
When a person is castigating being judgmental of another, this may be the Parent ego-state in action.
The Adult:
The "no drama" equanimous, non judgmental, here and now oriented, rational, solution focused, stable core of the personality.
While a person is in the Adult ego-state, he/she is directed towards a mater of fact, present moment oriented appraisal of reality.
Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of TA.
The Child:
An ego-state in which people behave, feel, and think similarly to how they did in childhood.
For example:
A person who is reprimanded by their boss (the Parent) may respond by becoming small, averting their gaze, looking at the floor and crying or pouting, as when scolded as a child.
I can't possibly do TA justice in this short from. But suffice it to say, it's a very simple, powerful model of interpersonal behavior analysis that deals with parts.
See the following (really interesting and fun) animated video describing TA in more detail:
http://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o
The Future Of Parts Work:
Evolutionary Psychology:
Evolutionary Psychology (EP) asserts that we humans evolved various cognitive "Modules" i.e. distinct cognitive subroutines that serve different functions and activate under different circumstances.
Cognitive Neuroscience:
Cognitive Neuroscience (CN) asserts that our brain is modular, and our behavior and personality largely depend on which module is activated and which ones are "off line".
Mindfulness:
Mindfulness based psychotherapy is essentially focused on what IFS calls "Self Leadership" or what TA calls "strengthening the Adult".
Mindfulness trains the equanimous, flexible prefrontal cortex to stay engaged when the freaky amygdala tries to "hijack" your behavior.
The Future Of Parts:
When I do parts work, I'm more inclined to ground the ideas in findings of EP and CN and mindfulness, even though no psychotherapy model (that I'm aware of) explicitly integrates these ideas.
It's totally apparent that we must befriend and integrate our parts and strengthen the Adult and lead from the Self and all that.
But I view TA and IFS as transitional pronto-modalities of a future model that really hits the nail on the head and grounds these ideas in the rational and findings of evolutionary biology and neuroscience and secular mindfulness.
Hopefully someone will create that model soon.
In the meantime TA and IFS are still pretty useful.
WARNING. POETRY ALERT!!!!!!
Walt Whitman said:
"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes".
To this verity, I humbly and without judgment say, true dat!
May 14, 2020
The best book on individual psychotherapy that I've read so far. The model of Internal Family System is built on the theory of sub personalities and inner child, but with a more holistic approach.
IFS proposes that a human being is not a single, whole and one entity, but there are different parts which constitute what we normally think as "myself". There are the healthy parts (which have positive qualities), the exiles (the parts that suffer from pain, shame, or fear), the protectors (the parts that protect the exiles, or protect us from the disruptive behaviors of the exiles), and the Self (a part which is similar to the Buddha Nature, which qualities such as calmness, compassion, curiosity, empathy). All of the parts are doing their best for myself, in their own ways, which may result in inner conflicts, or disturbing behaviors. IFS suggests staying in the Self to get to know the various parts, heal their wounds, help them to unburden and transform their roles in our psyche.
It has been a surprising and fruitful journey for me since I started practicing IFS. I got the chance to revisit the trauma in my childhood that I almost forget. I figure out these painful experiences still have a negative effect on my current life, and I am starting to metabolize these events from a more mature point of view. I reckon it may take a lot of work and time, but I hope I can be able to heal myself and my relationships with the people who are important in my life.
I'm also looking for criticisms on IFS and different models that are developed from IFS.
IFS proposes that a human being is not a single, whole and one entity, but there are different parts which constitute what we normally think as "myself". There are the healthy parts (which have positive qualities), the exiles (the parts that suffer from pain, shame, or fear), the protectors (the parts that protect the exiles, or protect us from the disruptive behaviors of the exiles), and the Self (a part which is similar to the Buddha Nature, which qualities such as calmness, compassion, curiosity, empathy). All of the parts are doing their best for myself, in their own ways, which may result in inner conflicts, or disturbing behaviors. IFS suggests staying in the Self to get to know the various parts, heal their wounds, help them to unburden and transform their roles in our psyche.
It has been a surprising and fruitful journey for me since I started practicing IFS. I got the chance to revisit the trauma in my childhood that I almost forget. I figure out these painful experiences still have a negative effect on my current life, and I am starting to metabolize these events from a more mature point of view. I reckon it may take a lot of work and time, but I hope I can be able to heal myself and my relationships with the people who are important in my life.
I'm also looking for criticisms on IFS and different models that are developed from IFS.
July 17, 2016
This isn't a book you really finish as such, it's more like a user's manual to your psyche. So I've read through it once and done a few of the exercises, but I feel I've only just begun to appreciate its role in my inner life and I expect it's definitely a book I'll have nearby for many years to come. Best self-help book I've ever read. Highly recommend.
May 23, 2021
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an absolute gamechanger in my opinion. It's a model of the mind, and as such, necessarily incomplete and perhaps even flawed, but the practice of getting into dialogue with the parts of one's inner life has had a tremendous impact on my daily experience, after only a few sessions. IFS is a compassionate, non-pathologizing, all-parts-are-welcome approach, where one learns to work with oneself, as opposed to *on* oneself, as many self-help books I've read do. It is this change of approach, together with a comprehensive, step-by-step process of doing IFS therapy explained in Self-Therapy, that makes the book so essential.
April 30, 2021
To clarify my review: two stars literally means "It was ok" and this book was ok, I didn't necessarily like it (which would be three stars). This book was recommended when I was learning about Internal Family Systems therapy. The concept of IFS was a bit hard to wrap my mind around and seemed a bit unrealistic/woo woo to me. The concepts of parts, the protectors and exiles was interesting and seemed to explain some things about ptsd that I didn't understand before, like people reacting to things emotionally and not knowing why.
The idea of people being "hijacked by parts" was interesting, as well as that those parts, no matter how crazy they act, are basically immature or young entities that are acting to protect an old wound, even if they lash out or do things that are illogical. Pete Walker explained this in his book "Complex PTSD: from surviving to Thriving" as "emotional flashbacks". Movies and television always showed "flashbacks" as people reliving actual memories, the concept of reliving the past as a flashback, but as an emotional response only was not understood to me until I read these books.
This book seemed to also help in undoing the misinformation that it's "all in your head", that trauma is in the body and nervous system, that the responses are often unconsciously driven, but you can bring that into your consciousness and try to heal it. This book provides a framework that allows you to "speak" to the protectors and exiles and help unburden them and process old trauma, some of which may have occurred before you were able to speak, and some of which may even be only in your unconscious mind. You can work on the book either alone or with a therapist, but I have heard people recommend that a therapist may be better because there may be some things too big to tackle on your own. It sounds like it's a good addendum to therapy, something to utilize between sessions. I think it's usually good to work with a therapist as with trauma you can really open up things that might be too much to handle on your own, it's good to have someone to help you navigate that.
I had read "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk before reading "Self Therapy" and that was a good foundation for understanding trauma/(c)ptsd, and how it's literally in the body, albeit a rather heavy and triggering read. He is much more descriptive than he needs to be and that can affect you in a visceral way. I think this helped me with "Self Therapy" in terms of understanding how trauma is stored in the body. It was really multiple resources that helped me understand that the body and mind are not separate, but integrated and work in concert and you can't just work on trauma by thinking your way out of it, you have to work with both body and mind.
Another book that expanded on my understanding of IFS and the parts system was Janina Fisher's "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors." It's a dense book, and although she says it's for both clients and therapists, if you're a layperson it's a bit hard to read. I only read a few chapters, the one on dissociation really clarified some things about me that were confusing about IFS.
Why "Self Therapy" was "just ok" to me was partly because the book itself did not explain things well enough that I understood it. I gained a better understanding by supplementing via other resources and speaking to other people. Part of my trouble with understanding is that it looks like the author also has a computer science background, and that sort of thinking is not my sort of thinking. I actually kinda wondered about it before looking it up, I got a vibe and had to find out. It is very concrete and logical, you ask a question, you get an answer. The format for interacting with parts feels too rigid for me. It is very similar to behavioral therapies like DBT and CBT, but it improves on those therapies by somehow accessing unconscious traumatized parts of you in a way that the cognitive therapies can't. This book felt like a slog sometimes and I felt like I was banging my head against the wall trying to wrap my brain around it.
I do not think of myself as an imaginative or creative person, but my forays into IFS somehow lead me to fantasy or dreamlike landscapes with nonverbal animals and animated beings. It was quite unexpected, but I felt I couldn't use anything from the book and had to kinda wing it. I would do something and see what happened. The results were just as cryptic as the beings in it. I could not ask questions, and I wasn't even sure who was a protector and who wasn't. I guess if they showed themselves, they were all protectors? There were no memories, no infants or children to comfort. I basically was thrown into a dreamworld where there was no logic but the logic of the dream. Even The Matrix would have made more sense than this, people actually spoke in the Matrix.
I've heard people recommend Richard Schwartz's books, as he is the founder of IFS. I have not read them so cannot speak to whether he explains it better or differently than Earley. I've also seem some therapists get a bit snarky or upset that IFS is stealing from gestalt therapy. I'm not familiar with gestalt, but it seems that the main difference between them is that gestalt puts the therapist in charge, that they're in the position of authority, while IFS empowers the client to take charge and direct their own therapy. In that scenario the therapist acts as a consult or guide who works alongside the client, rather than in a position of power or hierarchy. I think in dealing with trauma it's important for the client to feel in charge and empowered, rather than led along by a therapist who is an authority figure.
The idea of people being "hijacked by parts" was interesting, as well as that those parts, no matter how crazy they act, are basically immature or young entities that are acting to protect an old wound, even if they lash out or do things that are illogical. Pete Walker explained this in his book "Complex PTSD: from surviving to Thriving" as "emotional flashbacks". Movies and television always showed "flashbacks" as people reliving actual memories, the concept of reliving the past as a flashback, but as an emotional response only was not understood to me until I read these books.
This book seemed to also help in undoing the misinformation that it's "all in your head", that trauma is in the body and nervous system, that the responses are often unconsciously driven, but you can bring that into your consciousness and try to heal it. This book provides a framework that allows you to "speak" to the protectors and exiles and help unburden them and process old trauma, some of which may have occurred before you were able to speak, and some of which may even be only in your unconscious mind. You can work on the book either alone or with a therapist, but I have heard people recommend that a therapist may be better because there may be some things too big to tackle on your own. It sounds like it's a good addendum to therapy, something to utilize between sessions. I think it's usually good to work with a therapist as with trauma you can really open up things that might be too much to handle on your own, it's good to have someone to help you navigate that.
I had read "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk before reading "Self Therapy" and that was a good foundation for understanding trauma/(c)ptsd, and how it's literally in the body, albeit a rather heavy and triggering read. He is much more descriptive than he needs to be and that can affect you in a visceral way. I think this helped me with "Self Therapy" in terms of understanding how trauma is stored in the body. It was really multiple resources that helped me understand that the body and mind are not separate, but integrated and work in concert and you can't just work on trauma by thinking your way out of it, you have to work with both body and mind.
Another book that expanded on my understanding of IFS and the parts system was Janina Fisher's "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors." It's a dense book, and although she says it's for both clients and therapists, if you're a layperson it's a bit hard to read. I only read a few chapters, the one on dissociation really clarified some things about me that were confusing about IFS.
Why "Self Therapy" was "just ok" to me was partly because the book itself did not explain things well enough that I understood it. I gained a better understanding by supplementing via other resources and speaking to other people. Part of my trouble with understanding is that it looks like the author also has a computer science background, and that sort of thinking is not my sort of thinking. I actually kinda wondered about it before looking it up, I got a vibe and had to find out. It is very concrete and logical, you ask a question, you get an answer. The format for interacting with parts feels too rigid for me. It is very similar to behavioral therapies like DBT and CBT, but it improves on those therapies by somehow accessing unconscious traumatized parts of you in a way that the cognitive therapies can't. This book felt like a slog sometimes and I felt like I was banging my head against the wall trying to wrap my brain around it.
I do not think of myself as an imaginative or creative person, but my forays into IFS somehow lead me to fantasy or dreamlike landscapes with nonverbal animals and animated beings. It was quite unexpected, but I felt I couldn't use anything from the book and had to kinda wing it. I would do something and see what happened. The results were just as cryptic as the beings in it. I could not ask questions, and I wasn't even sure who was a protector and who wasn't. I guess if they showed themselves, they were all protectors? There were no memories, no infants or children to comfort. I basically was thrown into a dreamworld where there was no logic but the logic of the dream. Even The Matrix would have made more sense than this, people actually spoke in the Matrix.
I've heard people recommend Richard Schwartz's books, as he is the founder of IFS. I have not read them so cannot speak to whether he explains it better or differently than Earley. I've also seem some therapists get a bit snarky or upset that IFS is stealing from gestalt therapy. I'm not familiar with gestalt, but it seems that the main difference between them is that gestalt puts the therapist in charge, that they're in the position of authority, while IFS empowers the client to take charge and direct their own therapy. In that scenario the therapist acts as a consult or guide who works alongside the client, rather than in a position of power or hierarchy. I think in dealing with trauma it's important for the client to feel in charge and empowered, rather than led along by a therapist who is an authority figure.
January 17, 2020
I really appreciate the way this book broke down parts work and made the process of IFS very accessible. As a therapist, it was a little bit over-simplified for me but can see where all the examples and scenarios would be helpful for a layperson. I ended up scanning the second half of the book as it is already a lot of what I know, but still had some solid takeaways and would potentially suggest to clients.
October 6, 2021
Internal Family Systems is a very powerful tool not just for psychological integration but also for narratively exploring your cognition.
This book is an incredibly thorough guide on IFS. It covers a broad range of perspectives and situations, presents a simple system, and makes for an engaging read.
I give 5/5 to only those books which have a significant life-changing impact and this one definitely did.
P.S. If you're looking for a primer on IFS, check out episode #492 of The Tim Ferriss Show with the inventor of IFS (Richard Schwartz). They even do a live demo on the show where they explore Tim's childhood abuse through IFS. It's a powerful episode.
This book is an incredibly thorough guide on IFS. It covers a broad range of perspectives and situations, presents a simple system, and makes for an engaging read.
I give 5/5 to only those books which have a significant life-changing impact and this one definitely did.
P.S. If you're looking for a primer on IFS, check out episode #492 of The Tim Ferriss Show with the inventor of IFS (Richard Schwartz). They even do a live demo on the show where they explore Tim's childhood abuse through IFS. It's a powerful episode.
September 2, 2017
You are a no-nonsense physicalist interested in science, rationality and such.
Why would you read a soft-on-the-head touchy-feely psychology book with childish illustrations, talking about little people living inside your had?
I'm definitely not the target demographics. Yet, I think that anthropologizing certain behavioral, affecitive and belief patterns can be actually powerful. We are built to deal with agents, so miss-appropriating these skills for personal psychological development could work.
From the above it should be clear that I don't share Earley's ontology, nonetheless that does not have to impact the efficacy of the method.
The approach in itself is admirably clear, self-compassionate. Writing bit slow, but not too tedious, very systematical, and the session reports helpful.
I'm not 100% sold on the childhood stuff being root of 99% of problems, nonetheless I'm interested to keep investigating IFS.
Was surprised that I liked it (especially after just finishing and disliking Kegan's Immunity to Change. And Kegan speaks my language unlike Earley...).
Recommended, if you are so inclined.
Why would you read a soft-on-the-head touchy-feely psychology book with childish illustrations, talking about little people living inside your had?
I'm definitely not the target demographics. Yet, I think that anthropologizing certain behavioral, affecitive and belief patterns can be actually powerful. We are built to deal with agents, so miss-appropriating these skills for personal psychological development could work.
From the above it should be clear that I don't share Earley's ontology, nonetheless that does not have to impact the efficacy of the method.
The approach in itself is admirably clear, self-compassionate. Writing bit slow, but not too tedious, very systematical, and the session reports helpful.
I'm not 100% sold on the childhood stuff being root of 99% of problems, nonetheless I'm interested to keep investigating IFS.
Was surprised that I liked it (especially after just finishing and disliking Kegan's Immunity to Change. And Kegan speaks my language unlike Earley...).
Recommended, if you are so inclined.
April 19, 2025
I really appreciate that there is a book out there like this for people who might not be able to afford Internal Family Systems therapy. Also works great in conjunction with a therapist.
September 11, 2023
Self-love has always been a nebulous concept to me. Obviously I want to embody it, but my self-attitude feels involuntary? I don't know what to do other than cross my fingers and hope I love myself. But this book has changed that.
Earley is a psychotherapist who was an early adopter of IFS, eventually making it his sole treatment methodology when he saw how effective it was for his clients. The book details how to perform the IFS model at home on yourself or with a partner.
I first heard of Internal Family Systems as one of the treatment modalities in The Body Keeps The Score, where it received a glowing review. I also had a friend who mentioned Ideal Parent Figure therapy being revolutionary for him, so I wanted to give this a shot. I've sat down for a few sessions to do the practice and I already sense the power of the model and practice. It has gotten me excited about what more it can bring.
The IFS model is too much to get into in this review, but I'll say that self-love seems not only possible, but a predictable and progressive journey under IFS (I'm not there yet, just started!). It does an amazing job of taking our capacity to be empathic to others and redirecting that to ourselves. I feel that its anthropomorphizing of different parts of the mind and its narrative structure really help internalize learnings. It is all beautifully congruent and compassionate the whole way through, never being at odds with oneself.
The book is simply written and accessible. It can feel repetitive at times, but I found this useful when going back to reference sections for the practice. The book is also very complete. Given that different people have different needs, not all of the information in the book will be pertinent to every reader.
Reading the book probably won't give you self-love, but then again thats not acquired through reading. IFS is a practice that needs to be repeated over time to make progress. The book will teach you how to do just that.
I recommend this book to anyone who has ever had problems. I'm replacing it as the recommendation for self-help given its practicalness and efficacy.
Earley is a psychotherapist who was an early adopter of IFS, eventually making it his sole treatment methodology when he saw how effective it was for his clients. The book details how to perform the IFS model at home on yourself or with a partner.
I first heard of Internal Family Systems as one of the treatment modalities in The Body Keeps The Score, where it received a glowing review. I also had a friend who mentioned Ideal Parent Figure therapy being revolutionary for him, so I wanted to give this a shot. I've sat down for a few sessions to do the practice and I already sense the power of the model and practice. It has gotten me excited about what more it can bring.
The IFS model is too much to get into in this review, but I'll say that self-love seems not only possible, but a predictable and progressive journey under IFS (I'm not there yet, just started!). It does an amazing job of taking our capacity to be empathic to others and redirecting that to ourselves. I feel that its anthropomorphizing of different parts of the mind and its narrative structure really help internalize learnings. It is all beautifully congruent and compassionate the whole way through, never being at odds with oneself.
The book is simply written and accessible. It can feel repetitive at times, but I found this useful when going back to reference sections for the practice. The book is also very complete. Given that different people have different needs, not all of the information in the book will be pertinent to every reader.
Reading the book probably won't give you self-love, but then again thats not acquired through reading. IFS is a practice that needs to be repeated over time to make progress. The book will teach you how to do just that.
I recommend this book to anyone who has ever had problems. I'm replacing it as the recommendation for self-help given its practicalness and efficacy.
April 17, 2023
I did a bit of IFS with a therapist about a decade ago and have been asking therapists since if it is something they can do. They’ve all said no.
It seems to me that IFS is the quickest way to resolve so many of the mental health issues we all struggle with in life. I really hope it becomes more mainstream and that every therapist and psychiatrist will have it in their tool kit.
Recently I mentioned IFS to a new acquaintance and she recommended this book. I went into it thinking that I would be able to learn how to do it alone, but after going through the book, I’m not so sure.
The book is really helpful in laying out what IFS is and how practicing it can solve a lot of problems in life. I enjoyed reading the examples of dialogues and I appreciated that he lays out the process so clearly.
I am also psyched that he provides references for finding local IFS practitioners. Unfortunately I still seem to be in a bit of an IFS desert, but there are a few in the state so I guess I can buck up and drive an hour, because it would be worth it.
The book also lays out how you can do IFS sessions with a partner, which I am planning to try as well.
As other reviewers have said, this isn’t so much a book that you read once and then shelve, but one that will serve as a reference and a guide for ongoing practice.
It seems to me that IFS is the quickest way to resolve so many of the mental health issues we all struggle with in life. I really hope it becomes more mainstream and that every therapist and psychiatrist will have it in their tool kit.
Recently I mentioned IFS to a new acquaintance and she recommended this book. I went into it thinking that I would be able to learn how to do it alone, but after going through the book, I’m not so sure.
The book is really helpful in laying out what IFS is and how practicing it can solve a lot of problems in life. I enjoyed reading the examples of dialogues and I appreciated that he lays out the process so clearly.
I am also psyched that he provides references for finding local IFS practitioners. Unfortunately I still seem to be in a bit of an IFS desert, but there are a few in the state so I guess I can buck up and drive an hour, because it would be worth it.
The book also lays out how you can do IFS sessions with a partner, which I am planning to try as well.
As other reviewers have said, this isn’t so much a book that you read once and then shelve, but one that will serve as a reference and a guide for ongoing practice.
April 7, 2015
THE BEST BOOK OF MY LIFE! I RECOMMEND IT TO EVERYONE
August 25, 2022
Phenomenal content. Would definitely recommend. For the intuitive reader, however, this guide certainly lacks the concision it could have while still remaining comprehensive.
March 26, 2024
This is the best book on IFS, whether you're doing self-therapy, working with a therapist, or just want to understand what IFS is and how it can be helpful.
Like other IFS books, Self-Therapy introduces the therapeutic model and process. What makes this book special is Earley's willingness to talk through common issues that practitioners will face. I wish I'd read this book when I first started working with an IFS therapist.
Like other IFS books, Self-Therapy introduces the therapeutic model and process. What makes this book special is Earley's willingness to talk through common issues that practitioners will face. I wish I'd read this book when I first started working with an IFS therapist.
September 6, 2016
First 3 chapters are incredibly helpful. The rest is more elaboration that I skimmed.
March 19, 2025
Not well written and could really use a lot of editing but goddamnit the content is everything.
June 20, 2024
Worst therapy book ever. I’ve been trying to do this damn thing for over a year and I’m just gonna throw it out. How dare Bonnie J. Weiss write such a terribly written, poorly designed, impossible workbook to do by yourself…all while having the audacity to call it a “SELF-THERAPY” book. Some of us can no longer afford therapy so writing a book that you need a therapist is to help you decode is downright criminal and frankly highway robbery. Not to mention, many of us who need IFS have CPTSD- which is technically a neurodivergent diagnosis, and executive function and not avoiding what we need to do is exceedingly hard. I’ve never been so triggered in avoidance and mental shutdown overload bc I don’t feel capable by a damn book, but thanks to Bonnie J Weiss I have that experience now. So again, writing a book that’s impossible to follow makes me wonder if Weiss is a sadistic human who wrote it to make those of us who suffer feel worse. Clearly she doesn’t understand trauma patients and I feel for any who use her in a personal practice.
For those who are lost, IFS is a newer kind of therapy that’s very good for trauma. However it uses incredibly confusing language as all of its vernacular are everyday words, but they have different meanings in IFS world. The writing is dry at best, patronizing at worst, and has no intention of making the exercises clear. Hell, the reason I broke and gave up just now was a few chapters in it has an exercise with examples of how to do it…followed by a differently worded exercise that doesn’t map or parallel to the above example- which is hard enough let alone when you need a decoder to understand what the hell they mean by “parts” and the weirdly named versions of parts you may or may not relate to- plus more ridiculous language that means something slightly different than how you know it. Which is why you need a therapist to explain this all to you. “Self- therapy” my ass. What a load of false advertising.
TL;DR- I had an easier time learning and understanding the very complicated Arabic alphabet and its moving characters depending on where the letter appears in a word than doing 30 pages of this insane book. Bonnie J Weiss is a failure to trauma survivors and I will never support her work again. Shame on her and whoever gave the green light to publish this utterly unusable paper weight of a book. Writing isn’t just putting words on a paper that you learned; it’s about connecting with your audience and I’ve never seen such a writer fail this hard.
For those who are lost, IFS is a newer kind of therapy that’s very good for trauma. However it uses incredibly confusing language as all of its vernacular are everyday words, but they have different meanings in IFS world. The writing is dry at best, patronizing at worst, and has no intention of making the exercises clear. Hell, the reason I broke and gave up just now was a few chapters in it has an exercise with examples of how to do it…followed by a differently worded exercise that doesn’t map or parallel to the above example- which is hard enough let alone when you need a decoder to understand what the hell they mean by “parts” and the weirdly named versions of parts you may or may not relate to- plus more ridiculous language that means something slightly different than how you know it. Which is why you need a therapist to explain this all to you. “Self- therapy” my ass. What a load of false advertising.
TL;DR- I had an easier time learning and understanding the very complicated Arabic alphabet and its moving characters depending on where the letter appears in a word than doing 30 pages of this insane book. Bonnie J Weiss is a failure to trauma survivors and I will never support her work again. Shame on her and whoever gave the green light to publish this utterly unusable paper weight of a book. Writing isn’t just putting words on a paper that you learned; it’s about connecting with your audience and I’ve never seen such a writer fail this hard.
November 22, 2024
Recommended by my therapist while he is on paternity leave. The modality has a lot of positive things that I think will actually be super helpful in the future, but reading it without my therapist's support just led to frustration and skepticism. It took forever to read and I had to stop studying and just read it straight through to finish it. If I can develop this approach under the guidance of my therapist first, maybe I'll be able to come back later and successfully implement the self therapy aspect of the modality.
June 15, 2021
Insightful read into our inner parts, how they interact, and how they hold us back. The key to Internal Family Systems therapy is seeing your protectors and exiles with compassion and trying to understand how they are trying to help you. This means that even your bad tendencies are a result of some part of you trying to protect you from further pain. Finding the exiles within you that were created through powerful childhood trauma or experiences and releasing them of their burden is the goal. This way we can love whole and full lives where we are fully in self and not limited by these protectors that are trying to keep us safe. Very interesting!
Read
May 14, 2025I am not finishing this book - not my thing. made me crash out. moreso explaining parts work to an individual doing it outside of therapy so I think slightly unhelpful to read as a therapist since it's just different. no thx rn
May 7, 2020
fascinating
July 18, 2018
Accessible and systematic overview and guidance to the Inner Family Systems (IFS) approach which deals with inner child matters and puts it in a broad perspective. Empowers lay people to cooperate or apply on their own or with each other rather than being only dependent on professional therapists. Builds on awareness of the fact that in any upset state or in any internal conflict there is part of us that fully buys into that perspective but one or more other parts that don't. At our core is a spiritual self that remains calm and compassionate and curious by nature, just at times flooded with the feelings of the parts that took on specific positions or attitudes. Operating from that place we heal faster and this book shows us how. Helps one to systematically unpack where this inner conflict or strong impulse comes form, what feeds it and keeps it in lace, how to move beyond it. Very systematic and thorough and also powerful but at the sae time safe process. Empowers a much larger audience to achieve what previously was mostly the domain only of gifted and experienced inner child work therapists. Unrivalled in accessibility for those who don't have lots of money to spend. Website framework and classes in person or online allows networking and community building to further support accessibility. Work on oneself is hard work and one doesn't easily finish reading this book.
April 27, 2015
Very interesting concept, and mostly believable. You can testify it yourself.
Konsepnya pada dasarnya adalah bahwa jiwa kita terdiri dari bagian-bagian. Tiap bagian adalah entitas yang otonom dan memiliki peranannya masing-masing. Bagian-bagian ini diperkuat dengan kejadian-kejadian yang kita alami sepanjang hidup kita, hingga akhirnya tiap bagian akan membentuk sub-kepribadian tersendiri, dan secara timbal balik berperan sebagai cara kita berinteraksi dengan kejadian yang kita alami sehari-hari.
Bagian-bagian ini bisa dibedakan berdasarkan perannya:
1) Protectors (Pelindung). Protector adalah bagian yang bertugas untuk membantu kita coping dengan masalah yang kita hadapi. Ada berbagai macam protektor, contohnya: protektor diet, protektor rakus, protektor penunda-nunda, protektor pemarah, inner critic, dll. Jenis protektor tidak dibatasi, tiap orang memiliki bagian yang unik bagi mereka sendiri. Sebenarnya, protektor sendiri bisa dibedakan dalam dua jenis berdasarkan cara operasinya, yaitu Managers dan Firefighters (Pemadam Kebakaran). Managers beroperasi dengan visi jangka panjang, idealistis, menuntut, dan sistematis. Sedangkan Firefighters beroperasi dengan cara yang mendesak, pemuasan sesaat, dan seringkali bertentangan dengan ideal-ideal. Walau begitu, semua bagian memiliki niat yang baik terhadap diri kita, karena itu salah satu motto dalam IFS adalah "All Parts Welcome" atau semua bagian dipersilakan/disambut.
2) Exiles (Bagian yang Diasingkan). Exiles pada dasarnya adalah bagian yang diusir/diasingkan dari kesadaran kita, entah karena bagian ini menimbulkan ketidakstabilan, kecemasan, ketakutan, kesedihan, atau perasaan dan perilaku tidak menyenangkan lainnya. Akibatnya, Exiles menjadi kian ter-represi dan semua kebutuhannya diabaikan, hingga ia mencapai puncaknya. Exiles biasanya adalah bagian yang mengalami trauma, biasanya berwujud anak-anak. Ada exiles yang merasa kesepian, ada yang merasa tertolak, bahkan ada yang mengalami penganiayaan. Sehingga, bagian yang mengalami trauma ini akan diasingkan oleh bagian-bagian lain (oleh Protektor), karena dianggap hanya membawa kepedihan bagi kesadaran kita. Protektor jenis Manager akan melindungi Exile dengan cara menuntunnya ke arah yang lebih baik dan masa depan yang lebih cerah (tapi di sisi lain tidak memenuhi kebutuhan Exile). Sementara, ketika Exile terlanjur bebas ke kesadaran, dan kita merasakan pilu yang mendalam, Protektor jenis Firefighters yang akan mengambil alih, dengan cara pemuasan instan seperti makan berlebihan, melukai diri, mabuk-mabukan, merokok, bersifat agresif, dll.
Yang membuat model IFS ini menarik dan baru adalah pengenalannya pada konsep "Self" atau "Diri" (dengan awalan kapital). Self adalah diri kita yang sejati, ia berbeda dari semua bagian. Self adalah intisari dalam jiwa/psikhe kita. Dan, dalam terapi IFS, fasilitator kita adalah Self. Ini yang membuat terapi IFS bersifat praktis, karena bisa dilakukan sendiri. (Tapi pada beberapa orang, bagian-bagian yang ada bisa jadi sangat kuat sehingga akan butuh bantuan ahli. Sayangnya, di Indonesia belum ada terapi IFS. Tapi banyak ahli terapi IFS yang menerima layanan lewat Skype, dan IFS juga punya website yang sangat bermanfaat. Silakan di-google.)
Tujuan IFS adalah:
1) Menempatkan Self kembali ke dalam posisi pemimpin untuk mengendalikan bagian-bagian secara harmonis.
2) Mengarahkan Self untuk merawat dan menyembuhkan luka yang dialami Exile (disebut unburdening).
3) Menggantikan peran tidak sehat Protektor dengan peran yang lebih sehat.
4) Tiap bagian memiliki potensi tersendirinya, karena saat kita lahir, tiap bagian ini sebenarnya adalah bagian-bagian sehat. Contohnya, Exile yang butuh perhatian mungkin adalah bagian yang bersifat penyayang, Protektor yang terus mengkritik diri sendiri mungkin adalah bagian yang berfungsi sebagai refleksi diri. Maka, dengan terapi IFS, tujuannya adalah untuk mengembalikan tiap bagian ke kondisinya yang semula.
I recommend it to anyone. At least, it will be helpful for you to understand what you really want and what you don't actually want.
Konsepnya pada dasarnya adalah bahwa jiwa kita terdiri dari bagian-bagian. Tiap bagian adalah entitas yang otonom dan memiliki peranannya masing-masing. Bagian-bagian ini diperkuat dengan kejadian-kejadian yang kita alami sepanjang hidup kita, hingga akhirnya tiap bagian akan membentuk sub-kepribadian tersendiri, dan secara timbal balik berperan sebagai cara kita berinteraksi dengan kejadian yang kita alami sehari-hari.
Bagian-bagian ini bisa dibedakan berdasarkan perannya:
1) Protectors (Pelindung). Protector adalah bagian yang bertugas untuk membantu kita coping dengan masalah yang kita hadapi. Ada berbagai macam protektor, contohnya: protektor diet, protektor rakus, protektor penunda-nunda, protektor pemarah, inner critic, dll. Jenis protektor tidak dibatasi, tiap orang memiliki bagian yang unik bagi mereka sendiri. Sebenarnya, protektor sendiri bisa dibedakan dalam dua jenis berdasarkan cara operasinya, yaitu Managers dan Firefighters (Pemadam Kebakaran). Managers beroperasi dengan visi jangka panjang, idealistis, menuntut, dan sistematis. Sedangkan Firefighters beroperasi dengan cara yang mendesak, pemuasan sesaat, dan seringkali bertentangan dengan ideal-ideal. Walau begitu, semua bagian memiliki niat yang baik terhadap diri kita, karena itu salah satu motto dalam IFS adalah "All Parts Welcome" atau semua bagian dipersilakan/disambut.
2) Exiles (Bagian yang Diasingkan). Exiles pada dasarnya adalah bagian yang diusir/diasingkan dari kesadaran kita, entah karena bagian ini menimbulkan ketidakstabilan, kecemasan, ketakutan, kesedihan, atau perasaan dan perilaku tidak menyenangkan lainnya. Akibatnya, Exiles menjadi kian ter-represi dan semua kebutuhannya diabaikan, hingga ia mencapai puncaknya. Exiles biasanya adalah bagian yang mengalami trauma, biasanya berwujud anak-anak. Ada exiles yang merasa kesepian, ada yang merasa tertolak, bahkan ada yang mengalami penganiayaan. Sehingga, bagian yang mengalami trauma ini akan diasingkan oleh bagian-bagian lain (oleh Protektor), karena dianggap hanya membawa kepedihan bagi kesadaran kita. Protektor jenis Manager akan melindungi Exile dengan cara menuntunnya ke arah yang lebih baik dan masa depan yang lebih cerah (tapi di sisi lain tidak memenuhi kebutuhan Exile). Sementara, ketika Exile terlanjur bebas ke kesadaran, dan kita merasakan pilu yang mendalam, Protektor jenis Firefighters yang akan mengambil alih, dengan cara pemuasan instan seperti makan berlebihan, melukai diri, mabuk-mabukan, merokok, bersifat agresif, dll.
Yang membuat model IFS ini menarik dan baru adalah pengenalannya pada konsep "Self" atau "Diri" (dengan awalan kapital). Self adalah diri kita yang sejati, ia berbeda dari semua bagian. Self adalah intisari dalam jiwa/psikhe kita. Dan, dalam terapi IFS, fasilitator kita adalah Self. Ini yang membuat terapi IFS bersifat praktis, karena bisa dilakukan sendiri. (Tapi pada beberapa orang, bagian-bagian yang ada bisa jadi sangat kuat sehingga akan butuh bantuan ahli. Sayangnya, di Indonesia belum ada terapi IFS. Tapi banyak ahli terapi IFS yang menerima layanan lewat Skype, dan IFS juga punya website yang sangat bermanfaat. Silakan di-google.)
Tujuan IFS adalah:
1) Menempatkan Self kembali ke dalam posisi pemimpin untuk mengendalikan bagian-bagian secara harmonis.
2) Mengarahkan Self untuk merawat dan menyembuhkan luka yang dialami Exile (disebut unburdening).
3) Menggantikan peran tidak sehat Protektor dengan peran yang lebih sehat.
4) Tiap bagian memiliki potensi tersendirinya, karena saat kita lahir, tiap bagian ini sebenarnya adalah bagian-bagian sehat. Contohnya, Exile yang butuh perhatian mungkin adalah bagian yang bersifat penyayang, Protektor yang terus mengkritik diri sendiri mungkin adalah bagian yang berfungsi sebagai refleksi diri. Maka, dengan terapi IFS, tujuannya adalah untuk mengembalikan tiap bagian ke kondisinya yang semula.
I recommend it to anyone. At least, it will be helpful for you to understand what you really want and what you don't actually want.
March 16, 2024
10/10, best IFS book. I see why it's suggested more than Schwarz's books.
Now if only I could get to talk to my parts myself :/
Now if only I could get to talk to my parts myself :/
May 7, 2021
I saw recommendations for this book on a mental health forum. Obviously I was quite skeptical, but my current circumstances making me unable to seek help from a professional any time soon, I decided to take matters into my own hand. I think the mindset I had going into this book had a big part to play on its eventual effectiveness. Maybe it was because my last 'episode' of depression left me so desperate, but I did put in quite a bit of effort. It may still be too early to say anything, but this book might really have changed my life.
I found the IFS or Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy very powerful. Much of the its powers comes from the fact that at its core it is a very intuitive and natural approach to the human psyche. I had tried other forms of psychotherapy and CBT on my own before. My totally unsuccessful previous attempts made me really untrustful of trying again. IFS now seems to me the best method for anyone trying out therapy on their own for the first time. And Jay Earley's book is simply wonderful in explaining it.
Richard Schwartz was the one who originally came up with this revolutionizing model of psychotherapy while working with trauma victims. I particularly loved how mindful the entire approach is. It would be great to do a few sessions with an actual IFS practitioner someday since by now I am a strong believer in its effectiveness. But at the moment I am seeing amazing results just working by myself too. Obviously my work has just started, I think I will keep returning to this book for a long time. Working along with a partner is also strongly encouraged here and detailed instructions are provided on how to do that. I might have already mentioned, but this book is as 'user'-friendly as it gets, with easy-to-understand language, properly structured chapters, helpful illustrations, plenty of examples and exercises. Transcripts from real IFS sessions done with the author's real clients helped me out a lot to grasp the more subtle points. I honestly cannot recommend Self-Therapy enough to anyone trying to understand more of that entire world within themselves, regardless of their apparent mental health status. And if you are someone clearly struggling but do not have the resources to seek outside help, no need to look elsewhere. Just read this book.
I found the IFS or Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy very powerful. Much of the its powers comes from the fact that at its core it is a very intuitive and natural approach to the human psyche. I had tried other forms of psychotherapy and CBT on my own before. My totally unsuccessful previous attempts made me really untrustful of trying again. IFS now seems to me the best method for anyone trying out therapy on their own for the first time. And Jay Earley's book is simply wonderful in explaining it.
Richard Schwartz was the one who originally came up with this revolutionizing model of psychotherapy while working with trauma victims. I particularly loved how mindful the entire approach is. It would be great to do a few sessions with an actual IFS practitioner someday since by now I am a strong believer in its effectiveness. But at the moment I am seeing amazing results just working by myself too. Obviously my work has just started, I think I will keep returning to this book for a long time. Working along with a partner is also strongly encouraged here and detailed instructions are provided on how to do that. I might have already mentioned, but this book is as 'user'-friendly as it gets, with easy-to-understand language, properly structured chapters, helpful illustrations, plenty of examples and exercises. Transcripts from real IFS sessions done with the author's real clients helped me out a lot to grasp the more subtle points. I honestly cannot recommend Self-Therapy enough to anyone trying to understand more of that entire world within themselves, regardless of their apparent mental health status. And if you are someone clearly struggling but do not have the resources to seek outside help, no need to look elsewhere. Just read this book.
May 2, 2024
I’m a trauma therapist reading this book to do some personal work, and in preparation for formal training in Internal Family Systems.
I’m a big fan of IFS - definitely one of the most intuitive and gentle therapy models I have used. I would recommend everyone have an understanding of IFS, and to integrate IFS and its “parts” language as a way to understand (and honor) themselves and each other. This book does a great job of introducing the model with interesting and helpful guided exercises that can be used to begin navigating your inner-psychic landscape.
I am used to working with folks who have very rich and complex inner worlds, though in my work, I’ve found that true of most people under the surface. I have some concerns about people being able to assess their capacity to do this work on their own, with this book alone.
I love the idea of people being able to do their own robust healing work. Definitely do not want to gatekeep therapy or create anymore barriers to getting help. However, I have found most people just do not have enough basic psychoeducation about how they work (the nature of our minds, how our bodies and emotions work and rule our minds), or enough spiritual openness (or even spiritual neutrality) to do this style of deep self-healing on their own.
In my experience (personally, and with clients), our minds can read a book like this and understand the concept and its application intellectually pretty easily. That alone is helpful and will provide some healing. Knowledge can be comforting. ❤️🩹 In practice though, transformative healing needs to happen at the cognitive, emotional, cellular, and spiritual level, and our minds make that shit tricky and overly difficult if we don’t know how to be aware of and sit with what comes up!
So, just my opinion that some psychoeducation and therapeutic experience would go a long way in supporting any self-healing work.
I’m a big fan of IFS - definitely one of the most intuitive and gentle therapy models I have used. I would recommend everyone have an understanding of IFS, and to integrate IFS and its “parts” language as a way to understand (and honor) themselves and each other. This book does a great job of introducing the model with interesting and helpful guided exercises that can be used to begin navigating your inner-psychic landscape.
I am used to working with folks who have very rich and complex inner worlds, though in my work, I’ve found that true of most people under the surface. I have some concerns about people being able to assess their capacity to do this work on their own, with this book alone.
I love the idea of people being able to do their own robust healing work. Definitely do not want to gatekeep therapy or create anymore barriers to getting help. However, I have found most people just do not have enough basic psychoeducation about how they work (the nature of our minds, how our bodies and emotions work and rule our minds), or enough spiritual openness (or even spiritual neutrality) to do this style of deep self-healing on their own.
In my experience (personally, and with clients), our minds can read a book like this and understand the concept and its application intellectually pretty easily. That alone is helpful and will provide some healing. Knowledge can be comforting. ❤️🩹 In practice though, transformative healing needs to happen at the cognitive, emotional, cellular, and spiritual level, and our minds make that shit tricky and overly difficult if we don’t know how to be aware of and sit with what comes up!
So, just my opinion that some psychoeducation and therapeutic experience would go a long way in supporting any self-healing work.
August 15, 2021
Basic idea: view your 'psyche' as composed of different parts. At different points, different parts of you will control your behaviour. The behaviour of these parts is often maladaptive, but the intentions of the parts are always to help you. A key type of part is a 'protector' whose role is to protect you from unpleasant memories, experiences etc. but can often become activated in the wrong context (eg. a part making you defensive when someone criticises you).
Good: The core insight of yourself being composed of parts, is interesting to run with and do some mental exploring with. Also very easy to read.
Bad: A bit waffly, doesn't seem to be based on anything empirically tested so you've got to use your intuition to figure out which parts are nonsense and which parts are insightful, and it kept talking about lots of maladaptive behaviours are a result of negative childhood experiences, which was annoying at least without further argument.
Good: The core insight of yourself being composed of parts, is interesting to run with and do some mental exploring with. Also very easy to read.
Bad: A bit waffly, doesn't seem to be based on anything empirically tested so you've got to use your intuition to figure out which parts are nonsense and which parts are insightful, and it kept talking about lots of maladaptive behaviours are a result of negative childhood experiences, which was annoying at least without further argument.
November 10, 2021
Audio book David Baird narrating. Super dense. Took quite a while to get through. Listening to the audio is just scratching the surface. If I'm going to be serious about DOING self therapy using this method I will need to work through the downloadable workbook that he references and potentially partner work or serious Journaling and meditation. Great intro to dip your toe in the water to see if this method of therapy is right for you (the author would contend its right for most people). As far as just learning ABOUT internal family systems in a more text book format you would want to start with Richard Schwartz. But this book is an intro for HOW TO. I recommend both if you really want to dig into this type of therapy.
October 6, 2023
I didn’t get through the whole book, but I do have it bookmarked for if/when I pick it up again.
I’ve been fascinated with psychology for a long time now, and this was recommended to me as a way to do self-therapy / shadow work. I really really loved that IFS is all about showing compassion and love for your “parts”, not hating them or trying to “fix” them. It’s about acknowledging them and uncovering the role they play in your life.
I recommend this book to everyone, even if they don’t read all of it like me. Just the first 30% can be life changing.
I’ve been fascinated with psychology for a long time now, and this was recommended to me as a way to do self-therapy / shadow work. I really really loved that IFS is all about showing compassion and love for your “parts”, not hating them or trying to “fix” them. It’s about acknowledging them and uncovering the role they play in your life.
I recommend this book to everyone, even if they don’t read all of it like me. Just the first 30% can be life changing.
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