F U, Penguin: Telling Cute Animals What's What

by Matthew Gasteier

Perfect for the Scrooge in your life—a profane, hilarious takedown of all things cute and cuddly, by the author of the blog sensation of (almost) the same nameAttention, all you clumsy pandas, lovable puffins, huggable bunnies, and penguins that elicit ooohs and The jig is up! We have lived under your furry fists for too long. There is a cute and present danger lurking out there–in the wild, in the zoos, and sometimes even in our very own homes. Spurred on by the Cute Industrial Complex, these cuddly animals have taken over blockbuster films, inspirational posters, and computer desktops everywhere, further weakening the innocent civilians who are beguiled by these fuzzy frauds. But you are stronger than them, aren’t you? Those soft bellies and wet noses are no match for you–and their free ride has just come to an end. F U, Penguin is the rallying cry for those who choose to fight these power-hungry cute-mongers. Loaded with color photographs and hilarious commentary, this book will have you laughing out loud while it simultaneously saves you from the tragic fate of tossing yarn with big-eyed kittens and bottle-nursing baby pandas forever. ___________________________ "Finally, a book for the rest of us! Most animals go about our business without playing to the audience like the elitists exposed in these chapters.I wasn't sure how many more times I could hear about those great penguins and pandas and kittens before I started eating people... well, more people, anyway."—Jerry the Shark "Penguins killed my parents, and they would not hesitate to kill me. I thank the Crustacean God for Matthew Gasteier, a true saint and a decent human being in a world filled with heartless penguin accomplices."—Dennis the Krill "It's all true. We're the worst."—Anonymous Penguin "The average dolphin is far beyond this level of vulgarity, but I could see how this would be a very enjoyable book for humans. I should remember to hand these out to some of my slower relatives at the common ancestor reunion."—Edward the Dolphin "Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, this style of book is not something we are currently looking for. However, we wish you the best of luck with your human publishers!"—Danielle the Bear, Editor-in-Chief, Random Cave Publishing

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Animals, Comedy, Photography, Satire

242 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Matthew Gasteier is the creator of the popular blog, fupenguin.com, which is the basis for this book. He lives in Watertown, Massachusetts. Some of his best friends are penguins.

Reviews

[karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

and so but then there is this book. and suddenly, everything is better - my secret inner shame over being so susceptible to the cute things and how unsophisticated it makes me look to be sleeping with my bunny every night... i needed this book to put it into perspective. seriously - who the fuck do these animals think they are, making us talk like babies with high-pitched "awwwwws" and the like? freeloading off of us and thinking that if they are an otter all they have to do is make little clapping motions with their hands and we will give them a place to live and feed them forever?? so many animals are just coasting on their looks and it's time to fight back. fuck you, penguin. fuck you, wombat. and most especially: fuck you, red panda.

and i love that this author's only other book was about nas. i think it's a great pairing on the bookshelves.

come to my blog!

[Ashly Lynne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m so glad I came across and picked up this book at Goodwill. Penguins are my favorite animals, so I just had to get this one. I figured even if it wasn’t that good, I wouldn’t be losing anything more than $1.00 and a bit of time. But, this book was way more than I expected it to be in such a phenomenal way.

This is a book that was compiled back in 2009 (a little dated, I know, but still hilarious) by Matthew Gasteier and a small team to convert his blog into a book. It’s a compiling of blog-post style pages along with funny internet animal pictures/memes. The picture is on the right page and then a description explaining why these animals are wrong for being so cute is on the left side. Matthew writes with a sarcastic sense of humor that is sure to have you laughing out loud and, along with him, cursing these animals for being so darn cute and ruining our lives.

It was kind of hard to coherently explain this book, but I hope my synopsis was compelling and got you interested because you should be. This book was utterly hilarious. I found myself laughing out loud on more than one occasion. (Every couple pages actually.) Gasteier’s humor is spot on and fantastic. I never knew I needed a book like this in my life until it was in my life and open in my hands.

It’s a super fun, fast read. The font is large and since every other page is a photo, it’s easy to fly through this one. Honestly, the whole thing is probably readable in a few hours, if that. So, you have no excuse (except maybe a lack of money) to not go out and get your hands on this book to bring some much needed laughter into your life.

I am going to put a small warning here. This book is filled with explicit language and, if that’s not your thing, you might want to pass on this book (even though I just told everyone to go out and buy it). If this is not something that bothers you, then, my friend, get this book.

This is seriously one of the best thrift store finds I’ve found in awhile (other than 101 Reasons Why a Cat is Better than a Man, which was also a pretty funny read). I’m so glad I picked this book up and especially glad that there was a penguin on the cover to force me to buy it.

So, my friends, pick up a copy of this book today and find out how we can take this world back from the penguins (and other cute animals) that are taking it over. Seriously, I recommend this book to anyone and everyone looking for a good laugh. It’s a quick, easy read, and it will definitely put a smile on your face.

[Bonnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I hadn't heard of this blog before, but saw this book on a list of recommended titles for reluctant readers. I'm really not all that reluctant of a reader, but I'm apparently all for telling cute animals what's what. Matthew Gasteier covers all the bases... animals in our homes (take that, adorable kitten), animals from around the world (and that, yoga polar bear!), and some of the more exotic creatures (you don't know fear until you see a binturong). Penguins are particularly hard hit, but deservedly so. Each entry consists of a mind-numbingly adorable picture of an animal (mmm... capybaras!), Gasteier's telling them what's what, and some cold, hard truths about said animal.

This is a fun book to flip through and Gasteier is hilarious. If your wallet is a little light, then you can just head over to the blog and get your laughs for free. Or buy a t-shirt. Just don't let you cute animal run your life anymore. Now I have to go tell my dachshund what's what.

[Paul Harmon · Rating 1 out of 5]

SO a guy uses internet pictures of animals tells them the various reasons they suck based on his perceived personification of the animal, making sure to you the F word at least once a page along with various other cuss words because I guess we've fallen so far as a society that swearing is HILARIOUS or something and turns this popular blog into a book once again proving the Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian theory correct that anyone can make a buck without any actual talent. Oh and congrats I actually found someone less amusing than Chuck Klosterman.

[Rick · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author was trying WAY too hard to be funny. Most of the book falls flat because it feels too forced. To top it off, the pictures they chose were only so-so. There are many better ones that could have been used. It was generally a disappointment, but will probably make a good book to toss in the bathroom for people to flip through when getting their business done.

[Melissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

Honestly, I didn't find this book humourous. It was pretty repetitive and full of swearing (not to say swearing can't be used, but so much swearing).

There were some blurbs of animal factoids turned into a joke to actually be funny. But one funny line every two pages does not a good book make.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a very repetitive book, but there were a few funny moments. It might be better to flip to a random page and read them in different sittings instead of in order.

[J · Rating 1 out of 5]

***Actual Star Rating: Oh look it doesn't deserve any stars but then again if I don't give it at least a one then my rating numbers are thrown off-balance versus reviews***

I am not quite sure what I was thinking with this book but this is one that was given to me and I try to read everything before I tend to find it a home elsewhere. So unfortunate me came across a book with an animal on the cover while that was how I was caught into reading a book I wish I had never come across. And just as a heads-up if I was to copy the author's style of writing you would consider me a cruel witch and bully.

So anyway here are the reasons that I wish this book had never been made and the reason I will never become his blog fan: 1. The author should have used his Acknowledgements at the beginning of the book. For those who are very specific about the type of humor they enjoy it states the last person in that section as his wife who surprisingly enough doesn't enjoy his type of humor. A nice warning for the reader that is unfortunately tucked away in the back of the book in the hopes that the reader usually bypasses that section.

2. The author's process of creativity isn't that creative. Basically from what I can see is he finds a picture of an animal on the web and it doesn't have to be totally cute (that or our concepts of cute don't even match up) for it to work. Then he just sits there and either picks up the activity that it is doing or maybe one or two body parts, a few curse words and then tries to make the most out of it such as:

Look at that wannabe author just leaning back so you can see his ********* stomach. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO THINK YOU ******. Scarfing down that sandwich even though you know full well you don't deserve it since all you have been doing is throwing a ****** pen around. Yeah so who thinks they are such a big shot now, full of jokes that are so '90s!!!

Yep 3. would be all the cussing that can be found in the book. Need a brush-up on swearing or how to put some cuss-words together in a non-creative way let this book be your guide. Throw in some animal pictures and we may be able to attract the attention of the next generation of young readers even with the heads-up on the front with the nice replace of F.

All in all this book is one of the largest fails I have seen and I am surprised that it has such a big following as it does but then again that is the beauty of being your own individual with your own individual tastes. Eventually someone out there will like what you choose to pass off for your own creativity and talent even if the rest of us thinks you need to return to the drawing board.

[Sarah Sammis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I took F U, Penguin: Telling Cute Animals What's What by Matthew Gasteier from a recent BookCrossing meeting. The book was introduced with a story of misunderstanding and embarrassment. Being somewhat of an addict of cuteness on the internet, and a firm believer that the web is made up of cats (and possibly penguins, for those running Linux), I had to take the book home.

It became my just before bed book for about a week. My husband can attest to the fact that I laughed at nearly every page and read about a third of the book out loud to him. I don't think he quite appreciated the ridiculousness of this book but I adored it.

I wish the Fuck You, Penguin blog was still being updated but that stopped in 2009. As an alternate, I suggest Cats Where They Do Not Belong. I suggest reading FU Penguin after reading Expletive Deleted by Ruth Wajnryb (review coming).

[Philip · Rating 5 out of 5]

My one son bought this for my other son, and I thought it was going to be a typically juvenile teenage thing -- which it is actually, but it's also pretty damned hilarious. If you enjoy this, you should also look at the blog it originally came from, www.fupenguin.com. Great stuff.

[Alya AlShaibani]

0 stars. this wasn't even remotely funny, and it was painful to read.

[Jaclyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is more to me like an opinionated blog post on how cute animals can get over themselves on how cute they are.. While the commentary is amusing at points, the wrap up didn't seem to fit. Not that this needed to be any longer than it was (it was plenty long and a fast read due to having a photo every other page), but a different lead in would have been better I think. (For example: I was going to add this in the meat of the book, but I decided against it because my first draft thoughts summed them up pretty well...so here you go.) The topic page while consistent with the rest of the book just didn't seem to meld... Would have been ok if it was left off.

[Ommpy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very funny, I would say. The author includes pictures of cute animals and mocks them sarcastically. Sometimes the author thinks they are too adorable to judge them and just focuses on how cute they are. I love it also because there is no plot; you don’t really have to follow a story line. I would recommend this book for ages 11+ (eleven and up). WARNING: I would say don’t read this book without your parents’ permission, because this book has curse words. Even if you know you can read books like this, I would still ask your parents if it’s ok.

[mentalexotica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Howling with laughter. This book is utter nonsense and absolutely necessary in keeping your sanity in check. Throwing some serious shade at cute, irresistible animals who, by virtue of their adorability, come across as entitled little shmucks. Well. This book tells them. Peak insane. Loved it.

[Tanya · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found it cute and entertaining for about 10 pages, then the pictures were cute but writing repetitive for the long remainder of the book.

[Andy Janes · Rating 2 out of 5]

Silly. Fun but not as clever as I had hoped.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

I lol’d.

[Cat Gray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Laugh-out-loud funny 😆

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really cute and funny

[Ashley Wood · Rating 1 out of 5]

this book tried too hard to be funny and failed, in my opinion. AND THE FACT THAT EVERY PAGE INCLUDED A SENTENCE IN ALL CAPS GOT ANNOYING REAL FAST.

[Kest Schwartzman · Rating 4 out of 5]

There was that weird moment when publishing blogs as books was the best idea out there, but also this is perfect bathroom reading, so....

[Jessica Robinson · Rating 3 out of 5]

It seems weird to call this adorable given how much the word fuck is used but since it's probably my favorite word and aggressively cute animals are my favorite things, this was fucking adorable for me. There's not a ton to it, which is my only real complaint, but it is really fun and cute.

[Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I pick this up when I’m having a bad day. I don’t want to read it all the way through so it will always stay new and fresh and hilarious to me.

[Serena · Rating 3 out of 5]

FU, Penguin by Matthew Gasteier is not a book for those without a quirky sense of humor. FU, Penguin is a spinoff of the blog, which has about 900,000 unique visitors per day, and the brainchild of Watertown, Mass., resident Matthew Gasteier who views the attempts of animals to look cute as antithetical to their nature.

Chock full of photos of cute fuzzy animals in adorable poses accompanied by sarcasm, ridicule, and disdain, Gasteier has created what some would call a pop culture phenomenon. Some readers will chuckle at the accompanying essays, while others may shake their heads.

In some cases, readers could find that the photos stand on their own as ridiculous without the essays. Gasteier's harsh language choices for the captions could put some readers off, but the captions are some of the funniest bits in this book. If calling moose the "biggest dorks ever" or stating "Is it me, or are baby animals really being dicks lately" are your thing, FU Penguin is for you. Gasteier has started the conversation, but the question is how will you finish it?

[Marina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to tell my freakishly cute pets what's what but I refrain because of what they might do to me in my sleep (except for Kitty Warrick because he's a total a-hole). But not only does this guy have the balls to tell cute animals to FU but he does it publicly and he gets paid for publishing a book about his rants. Although, I will have to admit that some of those animals pictured are pretty freakin' cute (but keep that on the downlow so I don't get inundated with cute animal e-mails). But, seriously, this tongue-in-cheek sound-off is entertaining and amusing as long as you keep your humor on (especially the "did you know?" facts--for example, bunnies make great librarians). My favorite was the baby pigeon under the "so ugly they're cute" chapter.
Probably not a good idea to be reading the website, too, but I'm a glutton for suffering the cuteness (http://www.fupenguin.com/).

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this having never heard of the blog before, so when I found myself enjoying the book halfway through I went ahead and checked out the blog. Unfortunately, it has not been updated since November 2009, with no indication of what happened to the author. Even the Facebook page for the blog/book has not been updated since before the book came out. That kind of soured the rest of my reading. I tried to enjoy the book on its own, but knowing that the guy just took off as soon as his book was published made me think he was just in it for the buck. I wish I could give it three and a half stars instead of four, but I'm nice.

The book is funny, though. It's a good antidote to Cute Overload, Daily Squee and all of those other cute animal blogs. I love those blogs, but I also love a bit of cynicism and absurd humor, and this book delivered that plus more cute pictures.

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was pretty hilarious, and I truly laughed at something on every single page. The reason I did not give this book five stars is because Trev and I read this book together, and there were a couple pages in which he did not laugh, and I felt like a self-conscious weirdo. But seriously, if nothing else, the picture headings are worth picking up the book; "Jaded hipster owls think they've seen it all" may sound like a completely obscure photo heading... but that is EXACTLY what the picture looks like. I could go on, but I won't. There were also some animals in here that were CUTE AS HELL, that I've never even heard of, so I appreciate them getting the what's what before they crept into my soul for me to obsess over for days on end, scouring the internet for photos, and going "guh-awwww" to every single one... Coatis.

[Iroquois · Rating 1 out of 5]

The title is funny and I picked it up based solely on that and the fact that I love books like Sh*t My Dad Says and Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened. But this one just fell flat. It's a good concept but this guy's humor and writing just couldn't pull it off. His "voice" just wasn't funny to me. As a result each one of the entries started to run together. I didn't know about the blog before this book but I'm not really curious to search it out after the book either.

[Kerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOL funny! The author has a blog where he describes how cute animals are taking over the earth, and rendering us powerless. Complete with pics of all the cuteness.

Here is his thoughts about a speckled bear lying on it's back looking at the camera (couldn't get pic to insert):

"This bear is essentially raping my soul. So, basically this totally thoughtless motherf--ker decided regular bears weren't cute enought. His solution? GIVE HIMSELF NATURAL FU--ING EYEGLASSES. Then, becoming the single cutest animal on the face of the earth, he lay on his fu--ing back so we could all see his goddamn belly, and then furtively glanced in our direction, thereby rendering any potential defense against his advances totally useless. Well played, Bear. I'm going to go take a shower now."

hahaaha. Love it!

[Juliette · Rating 2 out of 5]

Definitely a book for the bathroom. Sitting down and trying to read it in a couple of sittings is not what this book was meant for. Though I guess that rules it out as a bathroom book for a few men that I know...

Also, while I don't usually fucking cringe at fucking swearing, there was just an annoying amount of fucking swear words in this fucking book. I mean fucking really. It just got to the fucking point where swear words fucking sounded like saying "potato" over and over again. And really it's not just because they were fucking curses, any words repeated that often would become fucking irritating. But hey, I was warned, the book is after all titled FU Penguin.