What do you think?
Rate this book
Toxic Parents
Millions of lives are damaged by the legacy of parental abuse. Parents who ignored their children's needs or overburdened them with guilt. Parents who were alcoholic or addicted to drugs. Parents who were exploitative and cruel, or simply indifferent and inadequate. When these children reach adulthood the damage done by their toxic parents manifests itself in depression, or difficulties with relationships, careers and decision-making.
This landmark book, by bestselling author and psychologist Dr Susan Forward, confronts this painful legacy and shows why it is so difficult to put the past behind you. She offers effective alternatives for achieving inner peace and for freeing yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationships with your parents. Filled with vivid case histories and testimony from adult children of toxic parents, this remarkable book also offers the self-help techniques Dr Forward has developed to change the lives of her patients. With this book as your guide, you will discover an exciting new world of self-confidence, inner strength and emotional independence.
323 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1990
2284 people are currently reading
28320 people want to read
About the author
Susan Forward
27 books595 followersOne of the nation’s leading therapists, as well as a best selling author, dynamic lecturer and frequent talk-show guest. In addition to her private practice, she has served as a therapist, instructor and consultant for many Southern California psychiatric and medical facilities. She is the author of the #1 New York Times best sellers Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic Parents. She also hosted her own nationally syndicated program on ABC Talk Radio for six years.
from http://www.susanforward.com
from http://www.susanforward.com
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,102 reviews
January 12, 2018
Our parents plant mental and emotional seeds in us—seeds that grow as we do. In some families, these are seeds of love, respect, and independence. But in many others, they are seeds of fear, obligation, or guilt.
As you grew into adulthood, these seeds grew into invisible weeds that invaded your life in ways you never dreamed of. Their tendrils may have harmed your relationships, your career, or your family; they have certainly undermined your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Few people make a connection between their parents and their problems. This is a common emotional blind spot. People simply have trouble seeing that their relationship with their parents has a major impact on their lives. It’s not always easy to figure out whether your parents are, or were, toxic. A lot of people have difficult relationships with their parents. That alone doesn’t mean your parents are emotionally destructive. There are many parents whose negative patterns of behavior are consistent and dominant in a child’s life. These are the parents who do the harm.
What better word than toxic to describe parents who inflict ongoing trauma, abuse, and denigration on their children, and in most cases continue to do so even after their children are grown?
The child is at the mercy of his godlike parents and, like the ancient Greeks, never knows when the next lightning bolt will strike. But the child of toxic parents knows that the lightning is coming sooner or later. This fear becomes deeply ingrained and grows with the child. At the core of every formerly mistreated adult—even high achievers—is a little child who feels powerless and afraid.
Whether adult children of toxic parents were beaten when little or left alone too much, sexually abused or treated like fools, overprotected or overburdened by guilt, they almost all suffer surprisingly similar symptoms: damaged self-esteem, leading to self-destructive behavior. In one way or another, they almost all feel worthless, unlovable, and inadequate.
Godlike parents make rules, make judgments, and make pain. When you deify your parents, living or dead, you are agreeing to live by their version of reality. You are accepting painful feelings as a part of your life, perhaps even rationalizing them as being good for you. It’s time to stop. When you bring your toxic parents down to earth, when you find the courage to look at them realistically, you can begin to equalize the power in your relationship with them.
Susan Forward has seen thousands of patients as a therapist, both in private practice and in hospital groups, and a solid majority have suffered a damaged sense of self-worth because a parent had regularly hit them, or criticized them, or “joked” about how stupid or ugly or unwanted they were, or overwhelmed them with guilt, or sexually abused them, or forced too much responsibility on them, or desperately overprotected them.
To illustrate the concepts in this book, she has drawn heavily on case histories from her practice.
Regardless of what kind of relationship you have with your parents, I highly recommend this book to everyone. It's well-written, eye-opening and compassionate. And although it's primarily a self-help book, there's so much relevant information on family relationships and behavior we can all benefit from if we want to be understanding persons.
As you grew into adulthood, these seeds grew into invisible weeds that invaded your life in ways you never dreamed of. Their tendrils may have harmed your relationships, your career, or your family; they have certainly undermined your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Few people make a connection between their parents and their problems. This is a common emotional blind spot. People simply have trouble seeing that their relationship with their parents has a major impact on their lives. It’s not always easy to figure out whether your parents are, or were, toxic. A lot of people have difficult relationships with their parents. That alone doesn’t mean your parents are emotionally destructive. There are many parents whose negative patterns of behavior are consistent and dominant in a child’s life. These are the parents who do the harm.
What better word than toxic to describe parents who inflict ongoing trauma, abuse, and denigration on their children, and in most cases continue to do so even after their children are grown?
The child is at the mercy of his godlike parents and, like the ancient Greeks, never knows when the next lightning bolt will strike. But the child of toxic parents knows that the lightning is coming sooner or later. This fear becomes deeply ingrained and grows with the child. At the core of every formerly mistreated adult—even high achievers—is a little child who feels powerless and afraid.
Whether adult children of toxic parents were beaten when little or left alone too much, sexually abused or treated like fools, overprotected or overburdened by guilt, they almost all suffer surprisingly similar symptoms: damaged self-esteem, leading to self-destructive behavior. In one way or another, they almost all feel worthless, unlovable, and inadequate.
Godlike parents make rules, make judgments, and make pain. When you deify your parents, living or dead, you are agreeing to live by their version of reality. You are accepting painful feelings as a part of your life, perhaps even rationalizing them as being good for you. It’s time to stop. When you bring your toxic parents down to earth, when you find the courage to look at them realistically, you can begin to equalize the power in your relationship with them.
Susan Forward has seen thousands of patients as a therapist, both in private practice and in hospital groups, and a solid majority have suffered a damaged sense of self-worth because a parent had regularly hit them, or criticized them, or “joked” about how stupid or ugly or unwanted they were, or overwhelmed them with guilt, or sexually abused them, or forced too much responsibility on them, or desperately overprotected them.
To illustrate the concepts in this book, she has drawn heavily on case histories from her practice.
Regardless of what kind of relationship you have with your parents, I highly recommend this book to everyone. It's well-written, eye-opening and compassionate. And although it's primarily a self-help book, there's so much relevant information on family relationships and behavior we can all benefit from if we want to be understanding persons.
September 6, 2010
Honestly, someone bought this for me because they thought I 'needed' to read it. I was so ticked off - the nerve of that person! that I filed it away for about a year. Actually, until I recently unpacked from a move, I thought I'd pitched it while packing, out of sheer anger and disgust.
But I didn't throw it out and it is actually full of helpful insight and suggestions. There's chapter called, "No one in this family is an alcoholic" (or close to that) and it caught my eye while thumbing through wondering why I kept this stupid book. I read the chapter and got it; that was why: to help me understand some BS what was never my fault to begin with.
It is helpful - to be sure. And so are the chapters on critical and controlling/domineering parents. VERY helpful.
Sheepishly, I say to you, I am glad it wasn't tossed in the trash - especially out of spite!
I will probably refer to this book a few more times until what I want to learn is fully absorbed.
But I didn't throw it out and it is actually full of helpful insight and suggestions. There's chapter called, "No one in this family is an alcoholic" (or close to that) and it caught my eye while thumbing through wondering why I kept this stupid book. I read the chapter and got it; that was why: to help me understand some BS what was never my fault to begin with.
It is helpful - to be sure. And so are the chapters on critical and controlling/domineering parents. VERY helpful.
Sheepishly, I say to you, I am glad it wasn't tossed in the trash - especially out of spite!
I will probably refer to this book a few more times until what I want to learn is fully absorbed.
March 8, 2016
Society responds to those suffering from physical illnesses, like cancer; we have become more receptive to those fighting certain mental illnesses as well, like depression. But we often turn a blind eye to the scars created by child abuse - we want to believe in the sanctity of family, even when millions of children grow up battered both inside and out. Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life provides a much-needed guide on how victims of abuse can break free from their pasts and move toward healthful, happy lives.
Forward provides a through breakdown of different types of abuse: verbal, physical, and sexual, and the multifaceted behaviors that comprise them. She offers several examples of abuse victims from her own clinical practice and how they progressed in therapy and recovered. Her voice comes across as nurturing and validating, and she also encourages victims to take the necessary steps to release themselves from the pain their parents created. She touches on several tricky topics with wisdom, such as how to regulate anger, the harmful myth of forgiveness, and how to handle loaded subjects like alcohol and incest.
My main takeaway from reading this book: it is never too late to change. No matter how awful you have felt in the past or how you may have coped in unhealthful ways, you can recover from your parents' abuse and lead a fulfilling, meaningful life. This book serves two, if not more, important functions: it gives voice to those mistreated and then shamed by their parents, and it provides victims with ways to regain trust and autonomy. As someone who has fought with his own family demons, I would recommend this book to anyone with an abusive history or anyone who wants to learn more. I encourage therapy and tons of self-compassion, too.
Forward provides a through breakdown of different types of abuse: verbal, physical, and sexual, and the multifaceted behaviors that comprise them. She offers several examples of abuse victims from her own clinical practice and how they progressed in therapy and recovered. Her voice comes across as nurturing and validating, and she also encourages victims to take the necessary steps to release themselves from the pain their parents created. She touches on several tricky topics with wisdom, such as how to regulate anger, the harmful myth of forgiveness, and how to handle loaded subjects like alcohol and incest.
My main takeaway from reading this book: it is never too late to change. No matter how awful you have felt in the past or how you may have coped in unhealthful ways, you can recover from your parents' abuse and lead a fulfilling, meaningful life. This book serves two, if not more, important functions: it gives voice to those mistreated and then shamed by their parents, and it provides victims with ways to regain trust and autonomy. As someone who has fought with his own family demons, I would recommend this book to anyone with an abusive history or anyone who wants to learn more. I encourage therapy and tons of self-compassion, too.
March 6, 2012
This is a great book about how parents can really screw up their children.
The author breaks up abusive parents into 6 categories: inadequate, controlling, alcoholics (or addicts), verbal abusers, physical abusers, and sexual abusers. Between my parents, step-parents, and an adult relative I was often left with, I had the fun of experiencing five of the six types. Fortunately, none of them wanted to poke around in my swimsuit area.
The first chapter brings up a point that really explained a lot for me. It points out that children tend to view their parents as godlike and flawless. But when a child realizes that their parent is doing wrong, they are left with a tough decision. They can either hold on to their worldview that their parents are perfect and accept guilt for their own abuse, or they can accept that their parents are wrong then face the terrifying reality that their protectors are untrustworthy.
I chose the second route, but I also have a step-brother who chose the first. My childhood was indeed scarier, and I would often find items In the alley I could hide under my mattress in case I was in need of a weapon. It didn't even dawn on me until a few years ago that this is how an inmate's supposed to act, not an 8 year old.
However, things got easier as I got older and more self reliant. By the time I was 19, I had either developed an immunity to their various brands of abuse, or I found a way to turn it back on them. But while my life has gotten easier with age, I noticed that my step-brother's has gotten equally harder. He's a high school dropout, frequent drunk driver, and occasional jailbird.
This should be a helpful book for someone who is really screwed up by their parents. I approached it as a relatively well-adjusted adult that just wanted to get the number of the Mack truck that plowed through his youthful innocence. I found it exceedingly useful for that purpose. 5 stars.
The author breaks up abusive parents into 6 categories: inadequate, controlling, alcoholics (or addicts), verbal abusers, physical abusers, and sexual abusers. Between my parents, step-parents, and an adult relative I was often left with, I had the fun of experiencing five of the six types. Fortunately, none of them wanted to poke around in my swimsuit area.
The first chapter brings up a point that really explained a lot for me. It points out that children tend to view their parents as godlike and flawless. But when a child realizes that their parent is doing wrong, they are left with a tough decision. They can either hold on to their worldview that their parents are perfect and accept guilt for their own abuse, or they can accept that their parents are wrong then face the terrifying reality that their protectors are untrustworthy.
I chose the second route, but I also have a step-brother who chose the first. My childhood was indeed scarier, and I would often find items In the alley I could hide under my mattress in case I was in need of a weapon. It didn't even dawn on me until a few years ago that this is how an inmate's supposed to act, not an 8 year old.
However, things got easier as I got older and more self reliant. By the time I was 19, I had either developed an immunity to their various brands of abuse, or I found a way to turn it back on them. But while my life has gotten easier with age, I noticed that my step-brother's has gotten equally harder. He's a high school dropout, frequent drunk driver, and occasional jailbird.
This should be a helpful book for someone who is really screwed up by their parents. I approached it as a relatively well-adjusted adult that just wanted to get the number of the Mack truck that plowed through his youthful innocence. I found it exceedingly useful for that purpose. 5 stars.
May 12, 2014
I wasn't going to make my completion of this book public. I thought it would be an insult to my parents if I did. Then I realized that it would be an injustice to others who may need to read this book, but dont know it exists, if I didn't. Not to mention doing things to please or placate my parents is one of the many reasons why I needed to read it in the first place soooo....fuck it! lol
The book is exactly what the title implies. A book to help those end the vicious cycle of self-loathing, low self esteem, and poor self image through facing the most intense, emotional, and largest demon in their lives....their inadequate parents. Some people will reply by saying oh my parents weren't THAT bad, or mine did the best they could with what they had, and disregard even thinking they may need to read this literature. I'm here to tell you that you are the #1 person who needs to read this book. One example of why I needed to read it, an inability to care enough about myself and my self worth; putting everyone and everything before me to the point of self distruction. Not being able to solve my own issues because I thought they were insignificant compared to everyone elses. That is a result of not being told my feelings were important as a child. Who would have put that result with that cause?
While my case was not the most extreme, there are subtle things that were done that made reading this necessary. I have the sincerest and most abundant gratitude for the person who brought this book to my attention. I was in denial at first, and extremely terrified of the truth, but I realize it was 100% necessary. I already feel better, having read it, and knowning that I can correct the damage done.
Here's a quote of hope from the end of the book:
....You will never be totally free of anxiety, fear, guilt, and confusion. No one is. But these demons will no longer control you. that is the key.
As you gain more control over your past and present relationship with your parents, you will discover that your other relationships, especially your relationship with yourself, will improve dramatically. You will have the freedom, perhaps for the first time, to enjoy your own life.
The book is exactly what the title implies. A book to help those end the vicious cycle of self-loathing, low self esteem, and poor self image through facing the most intense, emotional, and largest demon in their lives....their inadequate parents. Some people will reply by saying oh my parents weren't THAT bad, or mine did the best they could with what they had, and disregard even thinking they may need to read this literature. I'm here to tell you that you are the #1 person who needs to read this book. One example of why I needed to read it, an inability to care enough about myself and my self worth; putting everyone and everything before me to the point of self distruction. Not being able to solve my own issues because I thought they were insignificant compared to everyone elses. That is a result of not being told my feelings were important as a child. Who would have put that result with that cause?
While my case was not the most extreme, there are subtle things that were done that made reading this necessary. I have the sincerest and most abundant gratitude for the person who brought this book to my attention. I was in denial at first, and extremely terrified of the truth, but I realize it was 100% necessary. I already feel better, having read it, and knowning that I can correct the damage done.
Here's a quote of hope from the end of the book:
....You will never be totally free of anxiety, fear, guilt, and confusion. No one is. But these demons will no longer control you. that is the key.
As you gain more control over your past and present relationship with your parents, you will discover that your other relationships, especially your relationship with yourself, will improve dramatically. You will have the freedom, perhaps for the first time, to enjoy your own life.
Want to read
October 17, 2021look the other way guys 🤡
August 17, 2021
It took me far too long to recognize the emotional manipulation and humiliation I grew up with. Once I did, a friend of mine recommended this book to me and I read it 2 years ago. I liked it a lot and it's helped me gain the courage to expect respect from my family. Just spent 10 days with them and I actually had the courage to speak up against the sexist, racist, and otherwise offensive comments and degradation. Unfortunately, I don't think I can do that for long. I need to re-read this and re-think that relationship in general.
My goal as a parent: for my children to not end up needing counseling because of me.
My goal as a parent: for my children to not end up needing counseling because of me.
January 8, 2016
Edit:
I forgot to mention one thing. This book is of course aimed at children of toxic parents, showing the different forms of abuse and manipulation, teaching how to handle the horribleness and find somewhat closure or rather start a healing process.
Even though it's meant for victims, I HIGHLY recommend this book to everybody!
Someone who has not experienced toxic parents first hand might not really understand the severity of mental and physical destruction. By dismantling and analyzing every form of toxicity and abuse even those you never suffered from it can perfectly well understand the scope.
***************
This book is overwhelming.
I don't remember exactly why I searched for 'toxic parents' on Google last year, but I found this book and I downloaded it and I started reading immediately. It was a revelation. Not because I didn't know that the beatings and the verbal abuse had been wrong and not my fault - that was what drove me crazy because I always felt and knew how unfair they were to me - but knowing that "Yes, I am NOT crazy for being angry! I'm not bad or evil for acknowleding the abuse! I have the RIGHT to be angry at, hate, and exlude these people from my life!"
Forward explains the different ways of toxic behaviour, from controlling parents and negligence, to sexual abuse. The examples are not only great guides, they also are a pool of comfort, a sign that the victim reading the book is not alone. And that is very important! You understand the pain of the victims in the book, you feel their pain and you feel your own pain and in the sadness and anger and grief you experience, you are also freed and protected.
What I also loved about this book is the analysis of the different types of abuse, how Forward explains the danger of Freudian beliefs, and the end goal: to find your own piece no matter what. It's not about reconciliation but about you overcoming the pain and becoming a better version of yourself, a happier and more indipentend one.
Indipendence is what victims have to regain and it's incredibly beautiful to not give a damn anymore if your abusive parents agree with your and your life or not. It's not about them accepting you, it's about you accepting yourself and doing what ever makes you happy.
This book gave me what I needed and one freeing thought was to be able to get another person tell me "Yes, you absolutely can cut people out of your lives when they hurt you so badly". I absolutely hate the idea of just accepting abuse and shrug it off, forgiving it and "be the bigger person". To this I say: No, I will not tolerate abuse and I don't have to just accept it to keep a fake peace up.
The only thing I wished is that more people found the courage to go the necessary steps to free themselves. This book is only one step of many and I hope people find strength in therapy.
So my last words go to all the people who suffered/are suffering: Get the help you need. You are not alone. You matter and you are worth it.
I forgot to mention one thing. This book is of course aimed at children of toxic parents, showing the different forms of abuse and manipulation, teaching how to handle the horribleness and find somewhat closure or rather start a healing process.
Even though it's meant for victims, I HIGHLY recommend this book to everybody!
Someone who has not experienced toxic parents first hand might not really understand the severity of mental and physical destruction. By dismantling and analyzing every form of toxicity and abuse even those you never suffered from it can perfectly well understand the scope.
***************
This book is overwhelming.
I don't remember exactly why I searched for 'toxic parents' on Google last year, but I found this book and I downloaded it and I started reading immediately. It was a revelation. Not because I didn't know that the beatings and the verbal abuse had been wrong and not my fault - that was what drove me crazy because I always felt and knew how unfair they were to me - but knowing that "Yes, I am NOT crazy for being angry! I'm not bad or evil for acknowleding the abuse! I have the RIGHT to be angry at, hate, and exlude these people from my life!"
Forward explains the different ways of toxic behaviour, from controlling parents and negligence, to sexual abuse. The examples are not only great guides, they also are a pool of comfort, a sign that the victim reading the book is not alone. And that is very important! You understand the pain of the victims in the book, you feel their pain and you feel your own pain and in the sadness and anger and grief you experience, you are also freed and protected.
What I also loved about this book is the analysis of the different types of abuse, how Forward explains the danger of Freudian beliefs, and the end goal: to find your own piece no matter what. It's not about reconciliation but about you overcoming the pain and becoming a better version of yourself, a happier and more indipentend one.
Indipendence is what victims have to regain and it's incredibly beautiful to not give a damn anymore if your abusive parents agree with your and your life or not. It's not about them accepting you, it's about you accepting yourself and doing what ever makes you happy.
This book gave me what I needed and one freeing thought was to be able to get another person tell me "Yes, you absolutely can cut people out of your lives when they hurt you so badly". I absolutely hate the idea of just accepting abuse and shrug it off, forgiving it and "be the bigger person". To this I say: No, I will not tolerate abuse and I don't have to just accept it to keep a fake peace up.
The only thing I wished is that more people found the courage to go the necessary steps to free themselves. This book is only one step of many and I hope people find strength in therapy.
So my last words go to all the people who suffered/are suffering: Get the help you need. You are not alone. You matter and you are worth it.
January 6, 2020
Powerfull in its own right and ironic because those who deal with toxic parents most often feel powerless. I can’t speak for anyone else, but dealing with toxic parents is like walking on eggshells. Every day is different from the next except for one thing, the anger, the pain, confusion, the sadness, the fear are always still there. If you are carrying around a heavy burden based on your relationship with your parents, please read this book. They say, “The sun also rises,” well, so does the darkness.
February 9, 2020
همیشه وقتی اساتید روانشناسیم از مراجعینشون صحبت میکنن بحث ها برام به غایت جذابند
و این کتاب این جذابیت رو برای من به همراه داشت
بخش اول کتاب که انواع والدین سمی رو معرفی میکنه و دلایل رفتارها و تاثیر این رفتار ها رو بیان میکنه به حد خوبی برای من جذاب بود بخش دوم "کنترل زندگی خود را به دست بگیرید " بخشی بود ک فهمیدم چرا نویسنده اصرار داشت باید کتاب رو بخونین در صورتی که والدین سمی داشتین و یا والد سمی بودین چون بخش کاربردی بود
کلی نکته برداری کردم از روی کتاب و کلی حس میکنم کتاب اطلاعات مفیدی بهم داد
و چی بهتر از این؟
ی نقدی که به کتاب داشتم این بود که ی قسمت هایی از کتاب به من حس این و میداد که نویسنده میگفت کتاب من کافیه برای درمان مشکلتون حتی درمان مشکلات افرادی که تجاوز در کودکی داشتند
من علمش رو ندارم در این رابطه که کافی هست کتاب یا نه ولی حس شخصیم میگه کافی نیست کتاب و حتما باید ی درمانگر همراه فرد باشه
درسته در جامعه ای مثل جامعه ما که مراجعه به روانپزشک اونقدر که باید نیست توصیه ها مطمئنن مفید هست اما کافی...؟
و این کتاب این جذابیت رو برای من به همراه داشت
بخش اول کتاب که انواع والدین سمی رو معرفی میکنه و دلایل رفتارها و تاثیر این رفتار ها رو بیان میکنه به حد خوبی برای من جذاب بود بخش دوم "کنترل زندگی خود را به دست بگیرید " بخشی بود ک فهمیدم چرا نویسنده اصرار داشت باید کتاب رو بخونین در صورتی که والدین سمی داشتین و یا والد سمی بودین چون بخش کاربردی بود
کلی نکته برداری کردم از روی کتاب و کلی حس میکنم کتاب اطلاعات مفیدی بهم داد
و چی بهتر از این؟
ی نقدی که به کتاب داشتم این بود که ی قسمت هایی از کتاب به من حس این و میداد که نویسنده میگفت کتاب من کافیه برای درمان مشکلتون حتی درمان مشکلات افرادی که تجاوز در کودکی داشتند
من علمش رو ندارم در این رابطه که کافی هست کتاب یا نه ولی حس شخصیم میگه کافی نیست کتاب و حتما باید ی درمانگر همراه فرد باشه
درسته در جامعه ای مثل جامعه ما که مراجعه به روانپزشک اونقدر که باید نیست توصیه ها مطمئنن مفید هست اما کافی...؟
September 29, 2021
Първата част проследява типовете отровни родители, подкрепени с примери от практиката на авторката. А втората предлага общи решения за справяне с последиците, но всеки случай си е строго индивидуален, така че е трудно да се каже, че тези съвети ще проработят на 100% при всички. Книгата разгръща това, което се застъпва и в други психологически теории – че преживявания от детството са предопределящи за живота ни като възрастни. Като тук съществената роля е отредена на влиянието на родителя върху детето.
„В очите на детето непредсказуемият родител е страховито божество. В детството богоподобните родители са били всичко за нас. Те единствени са ни обичали, защитавали, подслонявали, изхранвали. Тяхната липса е била равносилна на неизмерим ужас, тъй като от тях е зависело оцеляването ни. Те са били всемогъщите осигурители. Ние всячески сме се нуждаели от онова, което са ни давали.“
„Процесът на разграничаване от родителите достига своя връх през пубертета и юношеството, когато възниква активна конфронтация с родителските ценности, вкусове и авторитет. Разумните и стабилни родители са способни да понесат и преодолеят породените от подобни промени тревоги. Ако не друго, те ще се опитат да толерират, макар и да не окуражават пробуждащата се независимост на тяхното дете. За разбиращите родители е характерна фразата: „Това е само фаза от развитието“, защото те помнят собствения си пубертет и оценяват бунтарството като нормален етап от емоционалното съзряване.
„Отровните“ родители не проявяват подобно разбиране. От приучването към гърнето до края на пубертета, те приемат като персонална атака бунтарството и дори личностните различия и са склонни да се защитават, като подсилват зависимостта и безпомощността на децата си. Така, вместо да подпомагат нормалното развитие, те несъзнателно го осуетяват, нерядко вярвайки, че го вършат за доброто на детето. Възможно е да използват формулировки като „Така се формира характерът“ или „Тя трябва да се научи кое е добро и кое лошо“, но арсеналът на негативизма наистина вреди на самочувствието на детето и пречи на прохождащата независимост. Колкото и да вярват, че са прави, техните атаки объркват детето, защото са необосновано неприязнени, яростни и неочаквани.
„Отричането е най-примитивната, но и най-мощната психологическа защита. То е въображаема реалност, в която резултатът от някои особено мъчителни преживявания се омаловажава и дори отхвърля. Отричането ни позволява да забравим онова, което са ни сторили нашите родители, и ние продължаваме да ги държим на пиедестал.“
„Докато изучавах психология, попаднах на поредица илюстрации в един учебник, които описваха как хората прехвърлят чувствата си — и най-вече гнева. На първата картинка беше изобразен мъж, който слушаше крясъците на шефа си. Очевидно и дума не можеше да става подчиненият също да отговори с крясъци, така че на втората картинка същият мъж се бе прибрал и крещеше на жена си. На третата, жената крещеше на децата. Децата изритваха кучето и кучето ухапваше котката.“
И т.н. и т.н.
Има и още доста моменти по-нататък, които успяха да ми се откроят.
Определено книгата ми беше интересна и полезна от информативна страна.
Оценка 4.4.
„В очите на детето непредсказуемият родител е страховито божество. В детството богоподобните родители са били всичко за нас. Те единствени са ни обичали, защитавали, подслонявали, изхранвали. Тяхната липса е била равносилна на неизмерим ужас, тъй като от тях е зависело оцеляването ни. Те са били всемогъщите осигурители. Ние всячески сме се нуждаели от онова, което са ни давали.“
„Процесът на разграничаване от родителите достига своя връх през пубертета и юношеството, когато възниква активна конфронтация с родителските ценности, вкусове и авторитет. Разумните и стабилни родители са способни да понесат и преодолеят породените от подобни промени тревоги. Ако не друго, те ще се опитат да толерират, макар и да не окуражават пробуждащата се независимост на тяхното дете. За разбиращите родители е характерна фразата: „Това е само фаза от развитието“, защото те помнят собствения си пубертет и оценяват бунтарството като нормален етап от емоционалното съзряване.
„Отровните“ родители не проявяват подобно разбиране. От приучването към гърнето до края на пубертета, те приемат като персонална атака бунтарството и дори личностните различия и са склонни да се защитават, като подсилват зависимостта и безпомощността на децата си. Така, вместо да подпомагат нормалното развитие, те несъзнателно го осуетяват, нерядко вярвайки, че го вършат за доброто на детето. Възможно е да използват формулировки като „Така се формира характерът“ или „Тя трябва да се научи кое е добро и кое лошо“, но арсеналът на негативизма наистина вреди на самочувствието на детето и пречи на прохождащата независимост. Колкото и да вярват, че са прави, техните атаки объркват детето, защото са необосновано неприязнени, яростни и неочаквани.
„Отричането е най-примитивната, но и най-мощната психологическа защита. То е въображаема реалност, в която резултатът от някои особено мъчителни преживявания се омаловажава и дори отхвърля. Отричането ни позволява да забравим онова, което са ни сторили нашите родители, и ние продължаваме да ги държим на пиедестал.“
„Докато изучавах психология, попаднах на поредица илюстрации в един учебник, които описваха как хората прехвърлят чувствата си — и най-вече гнева. На първата картинка беше изобразен мъж, който слушаше крясъците на шефа си. Очевидно и дума не можеше да става подчиненият също да отговори с крясъци, така че на втората картинка същият мъж се бе прибрал и крещеше на жена си. На третата, жената крещеше на децата. Децата изритваха кучето и кучето ухапваше котката.“
И т.н. и т.н.
Има и още доста моменти по-нататък, които успяха да ми се откроят.
Определено книгата ми беше интересна и полезна от информативна страна.
Оценка 4.4.
June 21, 2011
This book pulls no punches. Reading it is an important step for anyone that had toxic parents in their lives. The exercises are insightful and the 'advice' is excellent. It doesn't focus on general abuse, but digs deep down into the different kinds of abusive parents (neglectful, alcoholic, sexual, physical, etc), so reading the entire book from cover to cover may not be 100% necessary. You can fine tailor your reading to the situations that most closely apply to you.
This book also helps with the most extreme cases of abuse - the ones that require permanent separation from the abuser. It helps you understand when this option is the one to take, and helps you work through enacting it.
I wouldn't suggest reading this book completely alone - some kind of counselor should be working with you at the same time, because objectivity in the face of abuse can be difficult to find. But when you're at the point where you must make changes in your life in order to move forward, this book will be a good source of strength and direction.
This book also helps with the most extreme cases of abuse - the ones that require permanent separation from the abuser. It helps you understand when this option is the one to take, and helps you work through enacting it.
I wouldn't suggest reading this book completely alone - some kind of counselor should be working with you at the same time, because objectivity in the face of abuse can be difficult to find. But when you're at the point where you must make changes in your life in order to move forward, this book will be a good source of strength and direction.
April 20, 2021
I was originally going to move up the start of my reading date for Susan Forward’s 1989 and pretty heavy hitting self help book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. However, since I have indeed been reading and rereading my personal copy of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life since early 1990 (not only for necessary reassurance, self help and the comfort of not being alone with encountering family dysfunction but also simply because oh so very much of Susan Forward’s presented text is so painful and so hard to digest and deal with on an emotional and spiritual level that I for one have never been able to read Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life straight through and have sometimes needed to take years long breaks), I have decided to leave my starting to read date as in fact being 1990 (since yes indeed, the time I have spent with Susan Forward and her Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life has definitely been on and off since 1990 and is actually still rather much a work in progress).
Now while I would therefore never be able to consider Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life as so-called comfort reading, perusing the many examples of aptly labelled toxic parents and realising that with regard to verbal and emotional put downs, insults and denigration, my own parents do certainly seem to fit the bill so to speak for rather too many of Nancy Forward’s featured toxic types, this all has definitely been quite painfully eye-opening but also both necessary and something also offering both justification and credence (although I equally do thank providence that in my family, there were never instances of sexual abuse and that physical discipline only ever entailed mild spankings, but well, that the at times quite nasty tirades, hardly ever being praised and far too often being verbally trashed by my frustrated with me for being so different from them parents in my opinion generally and actually tended to rather hurt quite as much and often in fact much more for me personally than occasionally getting my ears boxed for misbehaving).
A necessary even if also traumatic and often infuriating read is Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, and most definitely warmly recommended (but indeed with the necessary caveats that you do not in my humble opinion want to consider Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life for entertainment purposes, but for specific and also targeted self help purposes).
And the only reason for my rating for Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life not yet being four stars is that I do think author Susan Forward should have a better balance between horrible and not so traumatic examples of abuse and parental toxicity, as yes, reading rather constant examples of parents massively more toxic and despicable towards their children than mine ever were towards me (and my siblings) certainly did during my perusals of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life often make me feel as though none of my family based issues were sufficiently significant to even warrant me being upset (and even feeling rather majorly guilty just owning a copy of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life and considering my parents as potentially being thus).
Now while I would therefore never be able to consider Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life as so-called comfort reading, perusing the many examples of aptly labelled toxic parents and realising that with regard to verbal and emotional put downs, insults and denigration, my own parents do certainly seem to fit the bill so to speak for rather too many of Nancy Forward’s featured toxic types, this all has definitely been quite painfully eye-opening but also both necessary and something also offering both justification and credence (although I equally do thank providence that in my family, there were never instances of sexual abuse and that physical discipline only ever entailed mild spankings, but well, that the at times quite nasty tirades, hardly ever being praised and far too often being verbally trashed by my frustrated with me for being so different from them parents in my opinion generally and actually tended to rather hurt quite as much and often in fact much more for me personally than occasionally getting my ears boxed for misbehaving).
A necessary even if also traumatic and often infuriating read is Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, and most definitely warmly recommended (but indeed with the necessary caveats that you do not in my humble opinion want to consider Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life for entertainment purposes, but for specific and also targeted self help purposes).
And the only reason for my rating for Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life not yet being four stars is that I do think author Susan Forward should have a better balance between horrible and not so traumatic examples of abuse and parental toxicity, as yes, reading rather constant examples of parents massively more toxic and despicable towards their children than mine ever were towards me (and my siblings) certainly did during my perusals of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life often make me feel as though none of my family based issues were sufficiently significant to even warrant me being upset (and even feeling rather majorly guilty just owning a copy of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life and considering my parents as potentially being thus).
January 3, 2011
This was a quick read but really didn't offer any useful, or real world, advice on how to overcome toxic parenting and reclaim your life. The book mostly focused on realizing and confronting the toxic parents. I would have given this book 2.5 stars if I could.
September 11, 2019
مهم! سبق وقرأته منذ سنين طويلة، وأتذكره جيدا..
February 26, 2013
Very insightful and confirming of suspicions you may have had/ still have but refused to believe.
Ever felt any of these feelings below in the back of your mind growing up in a family that gave the impression of perfect happiness? But never understood why or couldn't bare to think that your 'loving' family would try to cause you (mental/emotional/ and or physical) pain intentionally?
Like you were:
Being manipulated
Being spited by a parent ( said things knowing it would hurt your feelings)
Being criticized with disgust
Never good enough
Punished out of spite rather than disciplined
Taken advantage of
Forced to do things just so they could feel in control
Being guilt tripped
Teased because you had your own opinions and dared to try to stand on your own two feet
.... The list goes on. As children many of us were so innocent yet there was a part of us that felt something was off but because we had no prior experience in life we had no idea that it was wrong. We trusted these people and thought they were taking care of us but we were in danger.
Please, it is pointless to blame yourself. You may find hidden anger surface, thats ok. feeling anger is ok once you process it and realise that it is that little kid inside you that is angry because lets face it, you are a grown ass woman or man and now that you kno that there are others that suffered as well YOU can now make adjustment to your thinking (actually more like 'their' thinking projected onto you) you can make changes that positively affect you. Have COMPASSION for yourself not self pity because that shit will get you no where. Plus maybe you spent life thinking in their biased terms and NOW you can live on your terms.
TRUST ME. It WILL get better but YOU have to want it to in order for it to happen.
I wish you all the best!d
Ever felt any of these feelings below in the back of your mind growing up in a family that gave the impression of perfect happiness? But never understood why or couldn't bare to think that your 'loving' family would try to cause you (mental/emotional/ and or physical) pain intentionally?
Like you were:
Being manipulated
Being spited by a parent ( said things knowing it would hurt your feelings)
Being criticized with disgust
Never good enough
Punished out of spite rather than disciplined
Taken advantage of
Forced to do things just so they could feel in control
Being guilt tripped
Teased because you had your own opinions and dared to try to stand on your own two feet
.... The list goes on. As children many of us were so innocent yet there was a part of us that felt something was off but because we had no prior experience in life we had no idea that it was wrong. We trusted these people and thought they were taking care of us but we were in danger.
Please, it is pointless to blame yourself. You may find hidden anger surface, thats ok. feeling anger is ok once you process it and realise that it is that little kid inside you that is angry because lets face it, you are a grown ass woman or man and now that you kno that there are others that suffered as well YOU can now make adjustment to your thinking (actually more like 'their' thinking projected onto you) you can make changes that positively affect you. Have COMPASSION for yourself not self pity because that shit will get you no where. Plus maybe you spent life thinking in their biased terms and NOW you can live on your terms.
TRUST ME. It WILL get better but YOU have to want it to in order for it to happen.
I wish you all the best!d
March 13, 2021
Đây là một cuốn sách viết về chủ đề Cha mẹ độc hại - những cha mẹ mang đến ảnh hưởng tiêu cực cho sự phát triển của trẻ vì những niềm tin, quy tắc và hành vi họ đã tạo nên cho con của mình suốt tuổi thơ của chúng. Cuốn sách được chia làm hai phần: Phần mở đầu phân tích cách thức mà các loại cha mẹ độc bại khác nhau thực hiện; phần thứ hai viết về những kỹ thuật hành vi đặc biệt để chữa lành những thương tổn tâm lý do cha mẹ độc hại mang đến cho những đứa trẻ.
Cuốn sách sử dụng những case study để phân tích hành vi và phương pháp trị liệu tâm lý tương ứng. Bố cục rõ ràng, phân tích kĩ và có chứng minh tính hiệu quả của case study qua việc update những thay đổi của các bệnh nhân trong quá trình điều trị và những ảnh hưởng tích cực mà người đó có. Tác giả cũng chia phương án hành vi của cha mẹ khá đa dạng và đầy đủ, khá informative. Các phần bổ sung và áp dụng cho nhau, dù hoàn cảnh của các đứa trẻ có khác nhau, nên tổng thể, dù không bị lạm dụng, bạn vẫn thu nhặt được những giá trị nhất định khi đọc đến phần phân tích này.
Mình nghĩ đây là một cuốn sách sâu sắc và nên đọc, đối với những người mong muốn được hiểu rõ hơn về bản thân, về những tác động của cha mẹ lên bản thân họ, từ mức độ nhỏ cho tới lớn.
Tuy nhiên, có 1 số lưu ý cho những người muốn đọc cuốn sách này một cách hiệu quả nhất:
1) Các phần được chia khá rõ ràng nhưng hệ thống thuật ngữ chưa được phân bố có hệ thống, sẽ hơi khó khăn khi tiếp nhận với những người có chưa có kiến thức nền tâm lý học. Mọi người có thể đọc lót trước cuốn “Tìm mình trong thế giới hậu tuổi thơ” của bác Giang, hoặc note ra những thuật ngữ trong sách để có thể hiểu tốt hơn, và đỡ rối hơn.
2) Cuốn sách dù phân tích sâu, nhưng không chia case theo sự ảnh hưởng của mối quan hệ cha/mẹ - con cái lên tính chất toàn thể gia đình (như việc thiếu tình thương, đảo vai,... trong cuốn TMTTGHTT). Việc này, một lần nữa, sẽ khiến người đọc khó nắm bắt và nhớ được mọi thứ - hành vi và tính chất của loại hành vi tâm lý. Và việc này khiến toxic parents trở nên thiếu gần gũi hơn với thực tế người đọc, vì người đọc dễ hạ thấp những gì mình trải qua để trốn tránh sự thật. Thêm vào nữa là tác giả dùng nhiều từ khá gắt và nặng, nên càng củng cố khẳng định của mình ở câu trước.
Nhưng tóm gọn lại, với những lưu ý trên, thì đây là một cuốn sách xứng đáng được đọc, được hiểu, và được áp dụng. Mình mong cuốn sách này có thể hỗ trợ được nhiều người trong quá trình chữa lành bản thân và sống một cuộc sống hạnh phúc và bình yên hơn.
P.S. Về cảm xúc cá nhân của mình, thì cuốn này khá nặng nề, do mình cố gắng đọc nó nhanh nhất có thể, vì những cảm xúc nó gợi lại không lấy gì làm dễ chịu với mình. Nhưng đúng như tác giả nói, phải lật giở lại những tổn thương và chịu đau được để rửa sạch chúng, thì chúng mới có thể lành được. Mình cũng tin là như vậy!
Cuốn sách sử dụng những case study để phân tích hành vi và phương pháp trị liệu tâm lý tương ứng. Bố cục rõ ràng, phân tích kĩ và có chứng minh tính hiệu quả của case study qua việc update những thay đổi của các bệnh nhân trong quá trình điều trị và những ảnh hưởng tích cực mà người đó có. Tác giả cũng chia phương án hành vi của cha mẹ khá đa dạng và đầy đủ, khá informative. Các phần bổ sung và áp dụng cho nhau, dù hoàn cảnh của các đứa trẻ có khác nhau, nên tổng thể, dù không bị lạm dụng, bạn vẫn thu nhặt được những giá trị nhất định khi đọc đến phần phân tích này.
Mình nghĩ đây là một cuốn sách sâu sắc và nên đọc, đối với những người mong muốn được hiểu rõ hơn về bản thân, về những tác động của cha mẹ lên bản thân họ, từ mức độ nhỏ cho tới lớn.
Tuy nhiên, có 1 số lưu ý cho những người muốn đọc cuốn sách này một cách hiệu quả nhất:
1) Các phần được chia khá rõ ràng nhưng hệ thống thuật ngữ chưa được phân bố có hệ thống, sẽ hơi khó khăn khi tiếp nhận với những người có chưa có kiến thức nền tâm lý học. Mọi người có thể đọc lót trước cuốn “Tìm mình trong thế giới hậu tuổi thơ” của bác Giang, hoặc note ra những thuật ngữ trong sách để có thể hiểu tốt hơn, và đỡ rối hơn.
2) Cuốn sách dù phân tích sâu, nhưng không chia case theo sự ảnh hưởng của mối quan hệ cha/mẹ - con cái lên tính chất toàn thể gia đình (như việc thiếu tình thương, đảo vai,... trong cuốn TMTTGHTT). Việc này, một lần nữa, sẽ khiến người đọc khó nắm bắt và nhớ được mọi thứ - hành vi và tính chất của loại hành vi tâm lý. Và việc này khiến toxic parents trở nên thiếu gần gũi hơn với thực tế người đọc, vì người đọc dễ hạ thấp những gì mình trải qua để trốn tránh sự thật. Thêm vào nữa là tác giả dùng nhiều từ khá gắt và nặng, nên càng củng cố khẳng định của mình ở câu trước.
Nhưng tóm gọn lại, với những lưu ý trên, thì đây là một cuốn sách xứng đáng được đọc, được hiểu, và được áp dụng. Mình mong cuốn sách này có thể hỗ trợ được nhiều người trong quá trình chữa lành bản thân và sống một cuộc sống hạnh phúc và bình yên hơn.
P.S. Về cảm xúc cá nhân của mình, thì cuốn này khá nặng nề, do mình cố gắng đọc nó nhanh nhất có thể, vì những cảm xúc nó gợi lại không lấy gì làm dễ chịu với mình. Nhưng đúng như tác giả nói, phải lật giở lại những tổn thương và chịu đau được để rửa sạch chúng, thì chúng mới có thể lành được. Mình cũng tin là như vậy!
August 26, 2021
وقتی خودم رو میذارم جای مادر یک فرزند، میبینم من با تمام خوبیها و بدیهای اخلاقیم «مادر» میشم و نمیتونم به خودم تقدس بدم. وقتی به عنوان یک فرزند به مادرم فکر میکنم اما، میتونم بگم که «مادری» و «پدری» و تمام کارهایی که والدین از بدو تولد برای ما انجام میدن خیلی ارزشمنده.
باورهای خداگونهای که توی جامعهی ما نسبت به پدر و مادر وجود داره که حتی یک «پدر» رو به خاطر قتل فرزندش قصاص نمیکنه بیشتر به نظر میرسه که نتیجهی تاثیر باورهای مردسالارانه بر برداشت فقها از دین باشه. چون گاهی از لحاظ انسانی این باورها قابل قبول بهنظر نمیرسند.
پدر و مادر هم میتونن به فرزندان آسیب بزنن و شاید بزرگترین آسیبهایی که انسان در کودکیش به ویژه از لحاظ روانی میبینه، از طرف والدینش باشه.
هر پدر و مادری میتونن رفتارهای سمی داشتهباشن ولی رفتار غلط و خشونتبار والدین سمی دائمی و پیوستهاست و بچهها رو دچار آسیبهای ماندگار میکنه.
کتاب به دو بخش اصلی تقسیم شده. بخش اول به این میپردازه که چه والدینی میتونن در زیرگروه والدین سمی قرار بگیرند و این والدین چه آسیبهایی به فرزندانشون وارد میکنن.
نویسنده والدین سمی رو دستهبندی کرده:
1- والدین خداگونه که این حس رو دارند که در همهحال درست میگن و فرزندشون باید تحت هر شرایطی ازشون تبیعت کنه.
2- والدین بیکفایت که وظایف پدری یا مادری خودشون رو به درستی انجام نمیدن و بار کارهاشون رو روی دوش فرزندانشون میذارن.
3- والدین سلطهجو که تحمل مستقل شدن و نافرمانی فرزندانشون رو ندارن.
4- والدین معتاد، بچهها رو کتک میزنن، اونا رو وادار به تامین مواد مورد نیازشون میکنن و از طرف دیگه، خانواده و به ویژه بچهها برای حفظ آبرو مجبورند همهچیز رو نادیدهبگیرند، سکوت کنن و وانمود کنن که اتفاقی نیفتاده.
5- والدین بدزبان که مدام به فرزندانشون توهین و اونا رو تحقیر و سرزنش میکنند.
6- والدین کتکزن.
7- والدین متجاوز.
بچهها قوهی تشخیص ندارند. وقتی باشون بدرفتاری میشه، کتک میخورن، تحقیر میشن یا مجبورند توی سن کم بار زندگی رو به تنهایی به دوش بکشن، هیچ وقت حس نمیکنن که والدینشون ایرادی دارند یا تمام این اتفاقات تقصیر اوناست، بلکه فکر میکنن اشکال از خودشونه و خودشون رو سزاوار این رفتار میدونن. این آسیبها باعث میشه بچهها در بزرگسالی، اعتماد به نفس کمی داشتهباشند، خودکمبین باشن، به دیگران اعتماد نکنن و نتونن با دیگران رابطه برقرار کنن یا ازدواج کنن.
نویسنده از تمام کسانی که والدین سمی داشتن میخواد که دست از خودمقصرپنداشتن خودشون بردارن و بدونن مسئول تمام اتفاقاتی که توی کودکیشون افتاده پدر و مادرشون هستند و اونا مقصر تمام رفتارهایی هستن که باشون داشتن.
و بعد بخش دوم کتاب شروع میشه. این که فرزندان چه جوری از تاثیر والدین سمی بر زندگیشون کم کنن یا به طور کلی تمام اون رفتارها رو بیاثر کنن. که خوشبختانه امکانپذیره.
اول از همه این الزام وجود نداره که والدین بخشیدهبشن تا از زیر بار آزار و اذیت روانی رفتارهاشون رها شد. چون بخشیدن فرآیندیست که به تدریج اتفاق میافته. وقتی که دیگه اون رنجها بیاثر میشن. پس توقع یکشبه رهاکردن همهچیز رو نداشتهباشین.
اما این رو هم بدونین که قربانی اول کینهتوزی و فکر کردن به انتقام خود قربانیست.
بخشش به این معناست که نگاهمون به جلو باشه، بیخیال اتفاقات گذشته بشیم و تمام اینها به مرور و در طول مسیر درمان اتفاق میافته.
در مرحلهی بعدی کتاب یه سری تست داره که بررسی میکنه که شما چهقدر از نظر عاطفی به والدینتون وابسته هستین. و طبق گفتهی نویسنده اگرچه بیشتر افراد از نتیجهش تعجب میکنن، به ویژه افرادی که مستقل هستند و سن و سالی ازشون گذشته اما ما در هر سنی از لحاظ عاطفی و روانی پیوند یا بهتره بگم وابستگی عمیقی به والدینمون داریم. و برای همین هم هست که خیلی تحت تاثیر رفتارهاشون قرار میگیریم.
حالا اصلیترین راه درمان آسیبها اینه که افراد باورهاشون رو عوض کنن.
1- شما باید از لحاظ عاطفی مستقل بشین. اما این به این معنا نیست که کلاً از پدر و مادرتون ببُرید. این یعنی این که افکار و ترجیحات خودتون برای زندگی در الویت باشه و بر اساس تمایلات خودتون زندگی کنین. و یادتون باشه که همیشه با حفظ احترام خودتون باشین. یعنی باید بتونین بین خواستههای خودتون و دیگران و حرمتهای انسانی توازن برقرار کنین.
2- گاهی اشکالی نداره که خودخواه باشین و به خواستههای اطرافیانتون نه بگین. در واقع وقتی شما «همیشه» به خاطر پدر و مادرتون یا هر کس دیگه از خودتون و خواستههای خودتون بگذرین، یه روزی میرسه که از همهی اون آدما بدتون مییاد.
3- وقتی «نه» میگیم طبق سیستم فکریای که توش رشد کردیم، دچار عذاب وجدان میشیم. اگه شما اون «نه» رو با فکر و منطقی گفتین، سعی کنین که توی دام احساس گناه نیفتین. چون «پاسخ مثبت دادن پیدرپی به خواستههای دیگران در آنها حس خودخواهی را برمیانگیزد و البته ما هم بابت به خطاانداختن آنها مقصریم. در اغلب موارد کارهای اضافی و لطفهای بیمنت، دیگران را از جای طبیعیشان خارج میکند.»
4- و این که یاد بگیرین که توی بحثها همیشه آرامش خودتون رو حفظ کنین. وقتی از کوره در برین و به هم بریزین در واقع دارین توی زمین طرف مقابل بازی میکنین. وقتی خونسردیتون رو حفظ کنین و با آرامش جواب بدین، هم تنش و دعوا کمتر میشه و هم این شما هستین که کنترل ماجرا رو در دست دارین.
5- باید یاد بگیرین خشمتون رو از راه درست بروز بدین، برای تمام اتفاقاتی که براتون افتاده ناراحت باشین و سوگواری کنین اما توی مرحلهی سوگ نمونین چون زندگی پیش میره و منتظر شما نمیمونه. شما باید به این نقطه از واقعگرایی برسین که همینه که هست.
6- آخرین کار هم اینه که بشینین یک بار برای همیشه با پدر یا مادر سمیتون حرف بزنین. این بیشتر واسه اون قسمت برونریزی خشم فروخوردهی قضیهست. البته نه این که دعوا کنین، فقط در مورد رفتارهایی که باتون شده و به دور از عدالت و انسانیت بوده باشون حرف بزنین. همون طور که اشاره کردم این فقط برای رهاشدن درونی از ماجراست. و از این توهم که والدینتون متحول میشن یا میتونین تغییرشون بدین، بیاین بیرون.
بعد از گفتگوی نهایی، بعضیها تصمیم میگیرن روابطشون رو با والدینشون محدود کنن یا قطع رابطه میکنن که در اغلب موارد همیشگی نیست. اما اصل داستان اینه که فرزند بتونه در ادامهی مسیر زندگیش دیگه منتظر تایید یا عدم تایید والدینش نمونه و کاری که به نظرش درسته رو انجام بده. که یعنی وارد مرحلهی خودباوری و اعتماد به خویشتن بشه.
کتاب مفیدی بود و قابل توصیه به خیلی از آدمهایی که میشناسید.
باورهای خداگونهای که توی جامعهی ما نسبت به پدر و مادر وجود داره که حتی یک «پدر» رو به خاطر قتل فرزندش قصاص نمیکنه بیشتر به نظر میرسه که نتیجهی تاثیر باورهای مردسالارانه بر برداشت فقها از دین باشه. چون گاهی از لحاظ انسانی این باورها قابل قبول بهنظر نمیرسند.
پدر و مادر هم میتونن به فرزندان آسیب بزنن و شاید بزرگترین آسیبهایی که انسان در کودکیش به ویژه از لحاظ روانی میبینه، از طرف والدینش باشه.
هر پدر و مادری میتونن رفتارهای سمی داشتهباشن ولی رفتار غلط و خشونتبار والدین سمی دائمی و پیوستهاست و بچهها رو دچار آسیبهای ماندگار میکنه.
کتاب به دو بخش اصلی تقسیم شده. بخش اول به این میپردازه که چه والدینی میتونن در زیرگروه والدین سمی قرار بگیرند و این والدین چه آسیبهایی به فرزندانشون وارد میکنن.
نویسنده والدین سمی رو دستهبندی کرده:
1- والدین خداگونه که این حس رو دارند که در همهحال درست میگن و فرزندشون باید تحت هر شرایطی ازشون تبیعت کنه.
2- والدین بیکفایت که وظایف پدری یا مادری خودشون رو به درستی انجام نمیدن و بار کارهاشون رو روی دوش فرزندانشون میذارن.
3- والدین سلطهجو که تحمل مستقل شدن و نافرمانی فرزندانشون رو ندارن.
4- والدین معتاد، بچهها رو کتک میزنن، اونا رو وادار به تامین مواد مورد نیازشون میکنن و از طرف دیگه، خانواده و به ویژه بچهها برای حفظ آبرو مجبورند همهچیز رو نادیدهبگیرند، سکوت کنن و وانمود کنن که اتفاقی نیفتاده.
5- والدین بدزبان که مدام به فرزندانشون توهین و اونا رو تحقیر و سرزنش میکنند.
6- والدین کتکزن.
7- والدین متجاوز.
بچهها قوهی تشخیص ندارند. وقتی باشون بدرفتاری میشه، کتک میخورن، تحقیر میشن یا مجبورند توی سن کم بار زندگی رو به تنهایی به دوش بکشن، هیچ وقت حس نمیکنن که والدینشون ایرادی دارند یا تمام این اتفاقات تقصیر اوناست، بلکه فکر میکنن اشکال از خودشونه و خودشون رو سزاوار این رفتار میدونن. این آسیبها باعث میشه بچهها در بزرگسالی، اعتماد به نفس کمی داشتهباشند، خودکمبین باشن، به دیگران اعتماد نکنن و نتونن با دیگران رابطه برقرار کنن یا ازدواج کنن.
نویسنده از تمام کسانی که والدین سمی داشتن میخواد که دست از خودمقصرپنداشتن خودشون بردارن و بدونن مسئول تمام اتفاقاتی که توی کودکیشون افتاده پدر و مادرشون هستند و اونا مقصر تمام رفتارهایی هستن که باشون داشتن.
و بعد بخش دوم کتاب شروع میشه. این که فرزندان چه جوری از تاثیر والدین سمی بر زندگیشون کم کنن یا به طور کلی تمام اون رفتارها رو بیاثر کنن. که خوشبختانه امکانپذیره.
اول از همه این الزام وجود نداره که والدین بخشیدهبشن تا از زیر بار آزار و اذیت روانی رفتارهاشون رها شد. چون بخشیدن فرآیندیست که به تدریج اتفاق میافته. وقتی که دیگه اون رنجها بیاثر میشن. پس توقع یکشبه رهاکردن همهچیز رو نداشتهباشین.
اما این رو هم بدونین که قربانی اول کینهتوزی و فکر کردن به انتقام خود قربانیست.
بخشش به این معناست که نگاهمون به جلو باشه، بیخیال اتفاقات گذشته بشیم و تمام اینها به مرور و در طول مسیر درمان اتفاق میافته.
در مرحلهی بعدی کتاب یه سری تست داره که بررسی میکنه که شما چهقدر از نظر عاطفی به والدینتون وابسته هستین. و طبق گفتهی نویسنده اگرچه بیشتر افراد از نتیجهش تعجب میکنن، به ویژه افرادی که مستقل هستند و سن و سالی ازشون گذشته اما ما در هر سنی از لحاظ عاطفی و روانی پیوند یا بهتره بگم وابستگی عمیقی به والدینمون داریم. و برای همین هم هست که خیلی تحت تاثیر رفتارهاشون قرار میگیریم.
حالا اصلیترین راه درمان آسیبها اینه که افراد باورهاشون رو عوض کنن.
1- شما باید از لحاظ عاطفی مستقل بشین. اما این به این معنا نیست که کلاً از پدر و مادرتون ببُرید. این یعنی این که افکار و ترجیحات خودتون برای زندگی در الویت باشه و بر اساس تمایلات خودتون زندگی کنین. و یادتون باشه که همیشه با حفظ احترام خودتون باشین. یعنی باید بتونین بین خواستههای خودتون و دیگران و حرمتهای انسانی توازن برقرار کنین.
2- گاهی اشکالی نداره که خودخواه باشین و به خواستههای اطرافیانتون نه بگین. در واقع وقتی شما «همیشه» به خاطر پدر و مادرتون یا هر کس دیگه از خودتون و خواستههای خودتون بگذرین، یه روزی میرسه که از همهی اون آدما بدتون مییاد.
3- وقتی «نه» میگیم طبق سیستم فکریای که توش رشد کردیم، دچار عذاب وجدان میشیم. اگه شما اون «نه» رو با فکر و منطقی گفتین، سعی کنین که توی دام احساس گناه نیفتین. چون «پاسخ مثبت دادن پیدرپی به خواستههای دیگران در آنها حس خودخواهی را برمیانگیزد و البته ما هم بابت به خطاانداختن آنها مقصریم. در اغلب موارد کارهای اضافی و لطفهای بیمنت، دیگران را از جای طبیعیشان خارج میکند.»
4- و این که یاد بگیرین که توی بحثها همیشه آرامش خودتون رو حفظ کنین. وقتی از کوره در برین و به هم بریزین در واقع دارین توی زمین طرف مقابل بازی میکنین. وقتی خونسردیتون رو حفظ کنین و با آرامش جواب بدین، هم تنش و دعوا کمتر میشه و هم این شما هستین که کنترل ماجرا رو در دست دارین.
5- باید یاد بگیرین خشمتون رو از راه درست بروز بدین، برای تمام اتفاقاتی که براتون افتاده ناراحت باشین و سوگواری کنین اما توی مرحلهی سوگ نمونین چون زندگی پیش میره و منتظر شما نمیمونه. شما باید به این نقطه از واقعگرایی برسین که همینه که هست.
6- آخرین کار هم اینه که بشینین یک بار برای همیشه با پدر یا مادر سمیتون حرف بزنین. این بیشتر واسه اون قسمت برونریزی خشم فروخوردهی قضیهست. البته نه این که دعوا کنین، فقط در مورد رفتارهایی که باتون شده و به دور از عدالت و انسانیت بوده باشون حرف بزنین. همون طور که اشاره کردم این فقط برای رهاشدن درونی از ماجراست. و از این توهم که والدینتون متحول میشن یا میتونین تغییرشون بدین، بیاین بیرون.
بعد از گفتگوی نهایی، بعضیها تصمیم میگیرن روابطشون رو با والدینشون محدود کنن یا قطع رابطه میکنن که در اغلب موارد همیشگی نیست. اما اصل داستان اینه که فرزند بتونه در ادامهی مسیر زندگیش دیگه منتظر تایید یا عدم تایید والدینش نمونه و کاری که به نظرش درسته رو انجام بده. که یعنی وارد مرحلهی خودباوری و اعتماد به خویشتن بشه.
کتاب مفیدی بود و قابل توصیه به خیلی از آدمهایی که میشناسید.
February 23, 2020
İletişim'in bu serisini çok seviyorum. Hem çeviriler hem de seçilen kitaplar güzel.
Zor Bir Ailede Büyümek, tutarsız, mükemmeliyetçi, kontrolcü, bağımlı, duygusal veya fiziksel şiddet uygulayan, cinsel istismarda bulunan, kısacası "toksik" ailelerin bir ferdi olmak hakkında. Bunu, evvela aile sistemiyle açıklıyor, sonradan her aile tipini detaylı olarak anlatıyor, en sonunda da çözüm önerilerinde bulunuyor. Çözüm önerileri bildik psikolog tavsiyelerinden biraz uzaktaydı, bazılarının oldukça yaratıcı olduklarını da söylemeliyim. Kitabı okurken sık sık Türkiye'nin, daha geniş biçimde Akdeniz ülkelerinin sosyal yapıları itibariyle toksik aile dinamiklerine sahip olmaya elverişli olduğunu düşündüm. Okuduğum birçok kısımda kendime, çevreme benzer bir şeyler buldum. Bir aile danışmanı adayı olarak hem danışanlarıma uygulayabileceğim hem de kendi hayatımda bir şeyleri yoluna koymak için kullanabileceğim birçok şey öğretti bana kitap. Alan dışından okuyacaklar için de dilinin çok müsait olduğunu belirtmeliyim.
Kitaptan çok sevdiğim bir alıntıyla bitireyim: Sanırım tanrı, benim iyileşmemi affetmemden daha çok istiyor.
Zor Bir Ailede Büyümek, tutarsız, mükemmeliyetçi, kontrolcü, bağımlı, duygusal veya fiziksel şiddet uygulayan, cinsel istismarda bulunan, kısacası "toksik" ailelerin bir ferdi olmak hakkında. Bunu, evvela aile sistemiyle açıklıyor, sonradan her aile tipini detaylı olarak anlatıyor, en sonunda da çözüm önerilerinde bulunuyor. Çözüm önerileri bildik psikolog tavsiyelerinden biraz uzaktaydı, bazılarının oldukça yaratıcı olduklarını da söylemeliyim. Kitabı okurken sık sık Türkiye'nin, daha geniş biçimde Akdeniz ülkelerinin sosyal yapıları itibariyle toksik aile dinamiklerine sahip olmaya elverişli olduğunu düşündüm. Okuduğum birçok kısımda kendime, çevreme benzer bir şeyler buldum. Bir aile danışmanı adayı olarak hem danışanlarıma uygulayabileceğim hem de kendi hayatımda bir şeyleri yoluna koymak için kullanabileceğim birçok şey öğretti bana kitap. Alan dışından okuyacaklar için de dilinin çok müsait olduğunu belirtmeliyim.
Kitaptan çok sevdiğim bir alıntıyla bitireyim: Sanırım tanrı, benim iyileşmemi affetmemden daha çok istiyor.
September 29, 2011
This book was given to me about 8 years ago, maybe more. Reading the cover, I thought - what a ridiculous sounding book; I had always scorned the concept anyway... the idea that I would "excuse" my life/ self-image/ relationship issues due to my "difficult" upbringing and by placing the "blame" on my ongoing relationship with my parents. And then I read the book.
The author's layout of the book, her easy-to-read style, and her not too harsh tone earned my trust. It's a sensitive subject and she handled it respectfully. It was her approach and technique that surprised me. The author defended the child we all were once. Her take on forgiveness was also very novel. I finished reading reading the book, two weeks ago, and I'm still processing the concepts. It takes a special person to engage so completely in an intimate subject matter and the author easily overcame my skepticism and taught me that I am not alone. That was both a sad and liberating realization.
The author's layout of the book, her easy-to-read style, and her not too harsh tone earned my trust. It's a sensitive subject and she handled it respectfully. It was her approach and technique that surprised me. The author defended the child we all were once. Her take on forgiveness was also very novel. I finished reading reading the book, two weeks ago, and I'm still processing the concepts. It takes a special person to engage so completely in an intimate subject matter and the author easily overcame my skepticism and taught me that I am not alone. That was both a sad and liberating realization.
May 9, 2017
tl;dr: This book is very, very, very dated and has many incorrect and harmful stereotypes about abuse victims, abusers, and gay men. However, this book is potentially useful for those who had abusive parents and are still coming to terms with it.
Ultimately, this is a useful book. It's a dated book, though, and many things need to be taken with a grain of salt. A hefty portion of salt. An entire pallet of salt.
In particular, the author's insistence on apologizing for an abuser's actions by bringing up the old chestnut, the inter-generational Cycle of Abuse. The myth (and it is a myth) that abused children will become child abusers. All that this does is instill a fear into an abused and fragile person that they'll wind up becoming their abuser. It's a harmful myth, one that's still chugging along despite the evidence against it.
The author is also convinced that we are all geysers of rage ready to go off. I find that suspect. It sounds like victim blaming.
Aside from that, the author also insists that all Father-son incest is because of the father's insatiable homosexual lust that has no other outlet.
This is clear cut homophobia.
And it's bullshit. Actually, the entire incest section is full of bullshit, and should be ignored entirely. Like this:
Beyond that, the author seems to have some idea that all sexual assault and rape are grounded in lust from the perpetrator. This isn't true. My stepdad didn't molest me because he had inescapable lust, he did it because he got off on power. But for whatever reason, the author is very quick to defend him and every other molester out there.
Now I'm caught in a crossroads. On one hand, it's potentially an eye opening book. I've already cut ties with my parents. I've already accepted that they're human garbage-- indeed, are they human? But, I also know it took years and years to accept this. It took so long to accept that my parents are abusive. With this book, maybe I'd have come to that conclusion sooner and saved myself some trouble. I'm angry about the misinformation inside this book. I'm thankful for the author's insistence that the parents are responsible for their actions. I'm sickened by the author's handling of child sexual assault.
Ultimately, this is a useful book. It's a dated book, though, and many things need to be taken with a grain of salt. A hefty portion of salt. An entire pallet of salt.
In particular, the author's insistence on apologizing for an abuser's actions by bringing up the old chestnut, the inter-generational Cycle of Abuse. The myth (and it is a myth) that abused children will become child abusers. All that this does is instill a fear into an abused and fragile person that they'll wind up becoming their abuser. It's a harmful myth, one that's still chugging along despite the evidence against it.
The author is also convinced that we are all geysers of rage ready to go off. I find that suspect. It sounds like victim blaming.
Aside from that, the author also insists that all Father-son incest is because of the father's insatiable homosexual lust that has no other outlet.
Father-son incest is far more common than most people realize. Such fathers usually appear to be heterosexual, but they are probably driven by strong homosexual impulses.
This is clear cut homophobia.
And it's bullshit. Actually, the entire incest section is full of bullshit, and should be ignored entirely. Like this:
A disproportionate number of incest victims, particularly women, allow themselves to become overweight as adults. The weight serves two important purposes for the victim: (1) she imagines it will keep men away from her, and (2) the body mass creates a false illusion of strength and power.
Beyond that, the author seems to have some idea that all sexual assault and rape are grounded in lust from the perpetrator. This isn't true. My stepdad didn't molest me because he had inescapable lust, he did it because he got off on power. But for whatever reason, the author is very quick to defend him and every other molester out there.
Now I'm caught in a crossroads. On one hand, it's potentially an eye opening book. I've already cut ties with my parents. I've already accepted that they're human garbage-- indeed, are they human? But, I also know it took years and years to accept this. It took so long to accept that my parents are abusive. With this book, maybe I'd have come to that conclusion sooner and saved myself some trouble. I'm angry about the misinformation inside this book. I'm thankful for the author's insistence that the parents are responsible for their actions. I'm sickened by the author's handling of child sexual assault.
June 6, 2025
بالرغم من أن الكتاب يطرح مشكلات حقيقية وإساءات متعددة من الآباء، إلا أن اللغة التي كُتب بها لم تَرق لي. ليس لأنها مباشرة أو قاسية، بل لأنها تُغذي مشاعر الغضب لدى القارئ الذي تعرّض للإساءة.
من الممكن أن أشرح لك بوضوح أن جذور بعض مشكلاتك تعود إلى علاقتك بأسرتك، وأن أُعينك على فهم ذلك والتعامل معه دون أن أُشعل داخلك نار الغضب أو أُغذي مشاعر الكراهية. فليس من الطبيعي أن يذهب شخص مثقل بالحزن والألم إلى الطبيب النفسي، فيزيده الطبيب غضبًا ويُكرّس مشاعر العداء تجاه عائلته.
على سبيل المثال، تقول الكاتبة لإحدى الحالات: "والدتك مجنونة"، فهل يُعقل أن يصدر مثل هذا التعبير من طبيبة نفسية؟
الطبيب المتمكن، الذي يفهم طبيعة دوره ومسؤوليته، لا يمكن أن يستخدم هذا الأسلوب في التشخيص أو التفاعل مع مريضه. دوره أن يحتوي الألم، لا أن يُغذّيه.
كما أن الكاتبة – بالرغم من عرضها الجريء والصريح للمشكلات – إلا أنها اختارت طريقة واحدة فقط للشفاء وعرضها في الكتاب ، وأجد أنها طريقة غير فعالة. المفارقة أن هذا العلاج لم يكن محل إجماع، فقد أشارت هي ذاتها إلى أن غالبية الأطباء لا يشاطرونها هذا الرأي.
لكن رفضي لطريقتها لا يستند فقط إلى هذا التباين، بل إلى قناعتي الشخصية بأن الأسلوب العلاجي الذي تروّج له لا يبدو مقنعًا أو فعّالًا في نظري. لم أشعر بأنه يحمل أدوات حقيقية للشفاء بقدر ما يُركّز على إبراز الألم وتأجيجه.
يمكنني القول إن الكتاب جيّد من حيث كونه يسلّط الضوء على الإساءات الأسرية بشكل مباشر ومكثّف، وربما يثير داخل القارئ بعض مشاعر الانزعاج، لكنه يقدّم واقعًا مؤلمًا يعانيه الكثيرون، ويعبّر عنه بلا مواربة.
من الممكن أن أشرح لك بوضوح أن جذور بعض مشكلاتك تعود إلى علاقتك بأسرتك، وأن أُعينك على فهم ذلك والتعامل معه دون أن أُشعل داخلك نار الغضب أو أُغذي مشاعر الكراهية. فليس من الطبيعي أن يذهب شخص مثقل بالحزن والألم إلى الطبيب النفسي، فيزيده الطبيب غضبًا ويُكرّس مشاعر العداء تجاه عائلته.
على سبيل المثال، تقول الكاتبة لإحدى الحالات: "والدتك مجنونة"، فهل يُعقل أن يصدر مثل هذا التعبير من طبيبة نفسية؟
الطبيب المتمكن، الذي يفهم طبيعة دوره ومسؤوليته، لا يمكن أن يستخدم هذا الأسلوب في التشخيص أو التفاعل مع مريضه. دوره أن يحتوي الألم، لا أن يُغذّيه.
كما أن الكاتبة – بالرغم من عرضها الجريء والصريح للمشكلات – إلا أنها اختارت طريقة واحدة فقط للشفاء وعرضها في الكتاب ، وأجد أنها طريقة غير فعالة. المفارقة أن هذا العلاج لم يكن محل إجماع، فقد أشارت هي ذاتها إلى أن غالبية الأطباء لا يشاطرونها هذا الرأي.
لكن رفضي لطريقتها لا يستند فقط إلى هذا التباين، بل إلى قناعتي الشخصية بأن الأسلوب العلاجي الذي تروّج له لا يبدو مقنعًا أو فعّالًا في نظري. لم أشعر بأنه يحمل أدوات حقيقية للشفاء بقدر ما يُركّز على إبراز الألم وتأجيجه.
يمكنني القول إن الكتاب جيّد من حيث كونه يسلّط الضوء على الإساءات الأسرية بشكل مباشر ومكثّف، وربما يثير داخل القارئ بعض مشاعر الانزعاج، لكنه يقدّم واقعًا مؤلمًا يعانيه الكثيرون، ويعبّر عنه بلا مواربة.
February 3, 2018
Sorunlu -toksik- aile ortamında yetişmiş herkese yardımcı olabilecek bir çalışma. Ailelerin çocuklarının hayatlarını nasıl mahvettiği dair birçok vaka var ve bunlardan birkaçı size tanıdık gelecektir. Vakaların çözüm süreçleri ve bunların bir şekilde üstesinden gelindiğini görmek insanı rahatlatıyor.
Kitabın odak noktası geçmişin karanlık kuyularından kurtulup ileriye bakabilmek. Özellikle benim gibi geçmişle devamlı kavga halindeyseniz bu durum daha fazla zarar vermekten başka bir şey yapmıyor. Aile ortamında tohumu atılan asabi, mutsuz, ümitsiz, depresif kişiliğin karanlığını biraz daha derinleştiriyoruz sadece. Kimse elinde sihirli bir değnekle çıkıp hayatı nasıl çarpık algıladığımızı, geçmişe saplanıp kalmayla hiçbir şeyin çözüme kavuşamayacağını, çocukluk yaralarının artık kabuk bağlaması gerektiğini gösteremeyecek. Bir şeyleri değiştirmeye başlamak yine kişinin kendisinden başlıyor. Profesyonel bir yardımla da üstesinden gelinemeyecek problem yok.
Herkese mutlu, huzurlu bir hayat dilerim.
Kitabın odak noktası geçmişin karanlık kuyularından kurtulup ileriye bakabilmek. Özellikle benim gibi geçmişle devamlı kavga halindeyseniz bu durum daha fazla zarar vermekten başka bir şey yapmıyor. Aile ortamında tohumu atılan asabi, mutsuz, ümitsiz, depresif kişiliğin karanlığını biraz daha derinleştiriyoruz sadece. Kimse elinde sihirli bir değnekle çıkıp hayatı nasıl çarpık algıladığımızı, geçmişe saplanıp kalmayla hiçbir şeyin çözüme kavuşamayacağını, çocukluk yaralarının artık kabuk bağlaması gerektiğini gösteremeyecek. Bir şeyleri değiştirmeye başlamak yine kişinin kendisinden başlıyor. Profesyonel bir yardımla da üstesinden gelinemeyecek problem yok.
Herkese mutlu, huzurlu bir hayat dilerim.
June 30, 2017
I think everyone should read this, regardless of what kind of relationship they had with their parents. It can be used to detect toxic people and relationships in life and also shows what kind of damage it can cause.
EDIT: 6/30/2017
This book gave me a new perspective about forgiveness and I still think a lot about this particular passage:
"I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when parents do something to earn it. Toxic parents, especially the more abusive ones, need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve parents who continue to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do. "
EDIT: 6/30/2017
This book gave me a new perspective about forgiveness and I still think a lot about this particular passage:
"I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when parents do something to earn it. Toxic parents, especially the more abusive ones, need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve parents who continue to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do. "
June 7, 2015
In my opinion, the single best book written on the subject of childhood abuse. I read this book originally fifteen+ years ago and it is still as powerful and as relevant today. The modern methodology for dealing with those who have been abused is much different than it was in days gone past, and Susan Forward makes a clear, concise and compelling point throughout about the strong feelings of guilt, of blame, and associated behaviours. How to deal with it, and how to reclaim your life.
This is a compassionate book but it is powerful and direct, and because of that I feel it is best read in conjunction with actually seeing a therapist. It can create strong visceral and cognitive reactions to past events. I believe talking with a therapist (who understands/works with childhood abuse) at the same time you read Toxic Parents can be a very powerful tool.
Actual patient histories and outcomes are also explored, which helps/allows the reader to relate more intimately with the book. The book is written in an easy to read style.
Toxic Parents is pretty much in two parts - the events, the reason(s) as to why people are where they are. Their classifications. Then ways of coping, healing and dealing with past abuse.
About to re-read it again.
This is a compassionate book but it is powerful and direct, and because of that I feel it is best read in conjunction with actually seeing a therapist. It can create strong visceral and cognitive reactions to past events. I believe talking with a therapist (who understands/works with childhood abuse) at the same time you read Toxic Parents can be a very powerful tool.
Actual patient histories and outcomes are also explored, which helps/allows the reader to relate more intimately with the book. The book is written in an easy to read style.
Toxic Parents is pretty much in two parts - the events, the reason(s) as to why people are where they are. Their classifications. Then ways of coping, healing and dealing with past abuse.
About to re-read it again.
November 4, 2016
Healing and insightful but painful to read.
Life's a bitch, I guess. No matter what you do, you'll still be on the wrong side, in the wrong life and in therapy.
Life's a bitch, I guess. No matter what you do, you'll still be on the wrong side, in the wrong life and in therapy.
March 17, 2021
نیمه اول کتاب بنظرم جذابتر بود و همهگیری بیشتری داشت
برای من هرچی جلوتر رفت خوندنش سختتر شد
برای من هرچی جلوتر رفت خوندنش سختتر شد
June 2, 2022
Ilgai atidėliojau šios knygos skaitymą ir su savotiška kalte ją galiausiai paėmiau į rankas. Juk tai lyg nebylus pripažinimas, kad ne viskas buvo gerai. Vis tik laikausi požiūrio, kad reikia atraizgyti vaikystės skaudulius ir išsilaisvinus nuo jų gyventi toliau, o ne lyg užstrigusį filmą sukti sukti sukti, nuolat reflektuoti ir pastrigti savo jausmų labirinte.
Susan Forward skaitytojams puikiai pažįstama knygų "Emocinis šantažas", "Mamos nemokančios mylėti", "Meilė kaip apsėdimas" autorė. Šįkart autorės dėmesio centre - tėvų vaikų toksiškas santykis.
Pasitikrinkite, ar jūsų santykis su tėvais buvo toksiškas. Štai kelios raudonos vėliavėlės, kurios signalizuoja apie tai, kad buvote toksiškų tėvų vaikas.
Kai buvote maži:
- ar tėvai sakė jums, kad esate blogas ar nieko vertas?
- ar drausmindami jus naudojo fizinę jėgą?
- ar jums reikėjo rūpintis tėvų problemomis?
- ar dažnai bijodavote tėvų?
- ar tėvai darė ką nors, ką privalėjote laikyti paslaptyje, tik tarp jūsų?
Dabar, kai jau suaugote...
- ar tėvai vis dar elgiasi su jumis kaip su mažu vaiku?
- ar praleidę šiek tiek laiko su tėvais patiriate intensyvių emocijų ar fizinių reakcijų?
- ar tėvai kontroliuoja jus grasindami, kurstydami kaltės jausmą, pasitelkdami pinigus?
- ar jaučiate, kad neįtiksite savo tėvams, kad ir ką bedarytumėte?
Knygos autorė - ilgametę patirtį turinti psichologė, dėstytoja, grupinių terapijų užsiėmimų vadovė. Jos ekspertiškumas knygoje jaučiamas ir aiškiai apčiuopiamas. Knygą autorė suskirstė į dvi dalis. Pirmojoje aptariamas toksiškų tėvų tipai, kokios priežastys iššaukia tokį jų elgesį, kaip tai skaudina vaikus. Antrąją dalį pavadinčiau išsilaisvinimo dalimi. Čia autorė aiškina išsilaisvinimo iš toksiško tėvų elgesio gniaužtų svarbą: kaip svarbu suvokti kas nutiko, priimti tai ir mokėti paleisti, kad gyventi toliau. Tikrai stipriai jaučiasi itin didelė autorės patirtis ir įtikinamai skamba jos metodai.
Jei į keletą požymių apie toksišką elgesį su jumis kaip vaiku atsakėte teigiamai, labai rekomenduoju paskaityti šią knygą. Autorė aiškiai, išsamiai ir smulkiai paaiškins jūsų išgyvenimus ir kaip su jais gyventi toliau.
Susan Forward skaitytojams puikiai pažįstama knygų "Emocinis šantažas", "Mamos nemokančios mylėti", "Meilė kaip apsėdimas" autorė. Šįkart autorės dėmesio centre - tėvų vaikų toksiškas santykis.
Pasitikrinkite, ar jūsų santykis su tėvais buvo toksiškas. Štai kelios raudonos vėliavėlės, kurios signalizuoja apie tai, kad buvote toksiškų tėvų vaikas.
Kai buvote maži:
- ar tėvai sakė jums, kad esate blogas ar nieko vertas?
- ar drausmindami jus naudojo fizinę jėgą?
- ar jums reikėjo rūpintis tėvų problemomis?
- ar dažnai bijodavote tėvų?
- ar tėvai darė ką nors, ką privalėjote laikyti paslaptyje, tik tarp jūsų?
Dabar, kai jau suaugote...
- ar tėvai vis dar elgiasi su jumis kaip su mažu vaiku?
- ar praleidę šiek tiek laiko su tėvais patiriate intensyvių emocijų ar fizinių reakcijų?
- ar tėvai kontroliuoja jus grasindami, kurstydami kaltės jausmą, pasitelkdami pinigus?
- ar jaučiate, kad neįtiksite savo tėvams, kad ir ką bedarytumėte?
Knygos autorė - ilgametę patirtį turinti psichologė, dėstytoja, grupinių terapijų užsiėmimų vadovė. Jos ekspertiškumas knygoje jaučiamas ir aiškiai apčiuopiamas. Knygą autorė suskirstė į dvi dalis. Pirmojoje aptariamas toksiškų tėvų tipai, kokios priežastys iššaukia tokį jų elgesį, kaip tai skaudina vaikus. Antrąją dalį pavadinčiau išsilaisvinimo dalimi. Čia autorė aiškina išsilaisvinimo iš toksiško tėvų elgesio gniaužtų svarbą: kaip svarbu suvokti kas nutiko, priimti tai ir mokėti paleisti, kad gyventi toliau. Tikrai stipriai jaučiasi itin didelė autorės patirtis ir įtikinamai skamba jos metodai.
Jei į keletą požymių apie toksišką elgesį su jumis kaip vaiku atsakėte teigiamai, labai rekomenduoju paskaityti šią knygą. Autorė aiškiai, išsamiai ir smulkiai paaiškins jūsų išgyvenimus ir kaip su jais gyventi toliau.
May 26, 2009
wow! this book really did help me to recognize how certain things affect/affected me throughout my childhood, and to the present. and i really like the first rule "you do not have to forgive." if you truly have not recovered from a parents toxic ways, you do not have to forgive them, cuz forgiving the toxic parent w/o addressing how they harmed/ affect(ed) you is like just sweeping the issue under the rug.. so not healthy. i highly recommend this book to anyone who had or has to deal with toxic parents ( drunks, addicts, verbal abusers, neglecters, etc.). it was very helpful and eye opening!
September 16, 2019
"Bugün psikoloji alanında okuduğum en faydalı kitaptan bahsetmek istiyorum: Zor Bir Ailede Büyümek. Kitap iki temel kısımdan oluşuyor. Birincisi zor ailelerin (kitapta bahsedilen adıyla toksik - zehirli ebeveynlerin) tanımı ve yaşattıkları travma örnekleri, ikincisinde ise bunların etkilerinden kurtulmak için neler yapılabileceği anlatılıyor. Bahsedilen aile tipleri: Mükemmeliyetçiler, yetersizler, kontrolcüler, alkolikler, duygusal tacizciler, fiziksel tacizciler ve son olarak cinsel tacizciler. Başlıklardan da anlaşılacağı gibi okuması kolay olmayan, özellikle bunları deneyimlemiş kişilere ağır gelebilecek konular işleniyor. Yazar bu sebeple olabildiğince dikkatli davranarak ne çok üstü kapalı ne de çok detaycı örnekler vermiş. İlk bölümde isimlerini değiştirerek kendi hastalarından verdiği kesitler ile bu tiplerdeki anne - babaların yetişkin olmuş bireye olan etkisini açıklamış. Kolay bir okuma değil, çok ama çok mahrem konulara giriyor. Siz hiçbirini yaşamamış olsanız dahi bir yerlerde böyle şeylerin gerçekleştiğini bilmek kanınızı donduruyor. Benzeri bir duyguyu en son Köpek Gibi Büyütülmüş Çocuk'u okurken yaşamıştım. Travmalara dair okumalar yapmak çok öğretici olsa da bir o kadar da cesaret istiyor. Sürekli hislerinden kaçan ama bir şekilde iyileşmek isteyen biriyseniz Zor Bir Ailede Büyümek kararsız adımlarda ilerlediğiniz yolu aydınlatacaktır. Ama nasıl hissettireceğini az çok tahmin ediyorsunuzdur, kitaba bunlara hazırlıklı bir şekilde başlamanızı öneriyorum." Yazının devamı için:
Çocukken ailesi tarafından istismara uğramış birey nasıl iyileşir? Bu konuda aydınlatıcı bir kitap olan Zor Bir Ailede Büyümek hakkında yazdım https://buyuluayrac.blogspot.com/2019...
Çocukken ailesi tarafından istismara uğramış birey nasıl iyileşir? Bu konuda aydınlatıcı bir kitap olan Zor Bir Ailede Büyümek hakkında yazdım https://buyuluayrac.blogspot.com/2019...
Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,102 reviews