Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man

by Ian Kerner

Transform Yourself from "Passion Victim" to Passionista!

In the smash hit She Comes First, Ian Kerner singlehandedly waged battle against male sexual "ill-cliteracy," and women everywhere benefited from his "viva la vulva" philosophy of female pleasure. Now, in Passionista, it's time to learn all about what turns men onand makes them stay on. In this point-by-point, "blow-by-blow" guide, Kerner makes giving as much fun as receiving as he covers every angle of male sexuality, unlocks the secrets of satisfaction, and offers knowledgeable answers to the questions every woman wonders about. His advice is the closest you'll ever come to waking up in a guy's skin and knowing what truly makes him sexually tick.

Written in the same witty, insightful, and utterly readable voice that has made She Comes First and Be Honest so popular, Passionista is the empowered woman's guide to enjoying sex to the fullest

Genres: Nonfiction, Sexuality, Relationships, Self Help, Marriage, Feminism, Psychology

219 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 1, 2006

About the author

Ian Kerner is a nationally-recognized sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including the ever-popular She Comes First (Harper Collins). He writes a well known column for CNN and can often be seen on the TODAY Show and the Dr. Oz Show amongst others. He is regularly quoted as an expert in print and online media.

Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) and addresses issues that are common to the "American bedroom." He frequently lectures on topics related to human sexuality, with recent appearances at New York University, Yale and Princeton. Ian is the founder of Good in Bed, an online destination that brings together many of the country's leading sex and relationship experts. Ian was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons.

Reviews

[Kari Kari · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is really for the "we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas" folks or people who are unfamiliar with either sex or penises. A 192-page book and you only get tips about how to touch a penis over 80% of the way through the book!

Ladies, here is what you need to know. Figure out what you, personally, like about what YOU do to yourself - then COMMUNICATE that to your partner. It really is that easy. Take time and explore his body - then COMMUNICATE with your partner about likes and dislikes.

The book is insulting. Why as a female reader I need to get some cutesy She-Ra like nickname, such as "passionista;" can't I just learn about pleasuring a penis without some trite empowering moniker? I'm really not here to be all cheerleader rah-rah and make sure that my man takes his vitamins and exercises. (Seriously, that advice is in there, like my man is some kind of incompetent pet that requires me to help him adult.)

The book is written in an informational manner with a Q&A sprinkled throughout. All the questions and many quotes have a name attached to it, I guess because it seems more personable? Maybe the reader will be less likely to question if the questions or quotes are made up? Some questions didn't even appear to have a direct answer, it was just a way to fill some tangent or agenda. The book is full of contradictions as well: There’s a chapter about exploring fantasies that includes role-playing, then later, poor Wanda (and the reader) is insulted at attempts to dress up and role play as "sexual flash and novelty."

There's tons of instances where over-generalizations paraded as facts are completely the opposite truths for myself as a woman, and any man I’ve been with (and I highly doubt I or any of my former partners are a unique flavor of humanity). This absurdity throughout the book made it lose credibility in my mind. A lot of the survey pieces or generalized comments were naive and offensive to both men and women. Here are just a few that come to mind:
- A survey about how women don't like or watch porn is incredibly ignorant, then to pile on that women don't order pornographic movies when traveling hotels is just fraught with incorrect assumptions. Women very much like porn, there's a whole industry related to female-friendly viewership and with the ubiquity of mobile devices, there's no need to pay however much for a hotel movie when mobile devices hold the key to free porn. I had to look up when this book was written - which was 2008 and not some quaint throwback era where women might get the vapors hearing the word 'penis.'
- Snuggling after sex? As a female, I hate it, yet my husband loves it - though according to this book, it's supposed to be the other way around.
- A general comment about how men don't like to take their socks off has never been something that's happened with any of the men I've been with or spoken to (because, seriously, I was on a mission to figure out the truth to these "facts").

[Elise · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had some good advice, but is a bit insulting in places. While he mentions never crossing your partners boundaries, he basically railroads over some of the reader's boundaries by implying if the reader disagrees with him, it is because the reader is inhibited. I have a great respect for inhibitions. They keep us alive and help us in our relationships with others. The way the author uses the term is pretty obviously negative, though.

Another very negative aspect of the book is how he glorifies exhibitionism. In 2 instances he describes approvingly how someone did illegal things in the name of fun and games.

One story described a woman who would go to dressing rooms in department stores during weekends, when the stores were at their busiest, and intentionally open the dressing room door when she was mostly or completely undressed. This public display was to gratify her self and her boyfriend's desires, without considering or consulting the "audience", which might include people who don't wish to see naked bodies out in public. Another instance described a woman sitting in a crowded bus pleasuring herself while her boyfriend watched from a distance.

The only explanation I have for these examples of misconduct is that perhaps the author is trying to overstate his case so I will lose some of my alleged inhibitions. It is also possible that he thinks these things are okay. I guess I'll never know.

I definitely got the feeling I was being "groomed" while I was reading the book. Something about the pushy way he words things feels off to me. I will not be reading any more of his books.

[Dominika · Rating 4 out of 5]

There were kernels of information that I gained by reading this book, so I can’t say this was a complete waste of time, but I felt like there was a lot more Self-help fluff than with She Comes first. In general, a lot of the information boils down to debunking bad sex information and trying to think past the traits people prescribe towards each gender with just a little on actual physical techniques. It’s mostly about setting a mood and warming up a person both psychologically and physically. Admittedly, this is more aimed for beginners who might be in a monogamous relationship and might be feeling a bit complacent, but that’s a lot of people and sometimes even the basic things need to be repeated over and over again. I think some of the fluff can be trimmed, but I’ve also read worse books of this vein.

Really the main lesson I’m learning from these things is that the patriarchy ruins everything and people should learn from feminists, queer folks, and the kink community.

[Dalton Akos · Rating 2 out of 5]

too young & hot for this advice I think

[Erika · Rating 2 out of 5]

As Karen's review so astutely observed, this book is mostly for the "we've tried nothing and we're out of ideas" crowd, with an obnoxiously cutesy "inspirational" tone that assumes grown women can't handle talking about sex without dressing it up in cheesy imagery. I reluctantly gave a second star because there are some useful abstractions in here like phases of male arousal, and a few pieces of useful or interesting trivia that were new to me.

[Shu Long]

I didn't identify with everything that Ian Kerner wrote in this book. That's probably a sign in its favor. I found a lot of honest insight and absolutely enjoyed the peek into the minds of half the human population. I've had close relationships, friends and family all my life and there were a lot of "yes, I totally see that, that makes so much sense now", moments as I read. Sharing this book with my husband and the laughs that came with it was also pleasurable for both of us.

As concerning reading this book for a how to manual, you're not going to find a lot of, do this, then this. You'll find quickly that according to Kerner, half or more of the challenge and the pleasure is in the mind. So come prepared to think, consider and challenge yourself long before you're ready to apply. I definitely recommend this book to women who are seeking a deeper relationship with the significant man in their life. It is written more towards established relationships and often for a somewhat older audience. I'm twenty-six and found a lot of warnings for the future but there were some messages that definitely didn't apply to me yet.

[Vero · Rating 4 out of 5]

Titlul, ca de multe ori, duce cu gândul la ceva mult mai superficial decât conținutul. O carte extrem de educativă, atât pe "chimie", cât și pe "fizică", ar trebuie să fie pe lista "obligatorie" de citit pentru orice fully fledged adult.

[Sue · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like to think that maybe it’s because I’m particularly enlightened, but I didn’t find that I learned much from this book. Fully 9/10ths of the book were psychological and physiological, with only the last tenth reserved for the physical. Although there’s definite value in looking at all sides, it definitely felt imbalanced.

[Aly · Rating 2 out of 5]

There wasn’t anything in this book I hadn’t already learned on my own through relationships and reading women’s magazines as a teenager. I think this book is better for a younger demographic,
and his simplistic writing definitely comes across like that’s what he’s aiming for.

[M.J. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ironically, this book written for women is not as good as his book that was written for men called "She Comes First," which many men rave about.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal. Read in two sittings. Was definitely mentally stimulated.

[Rocky · Rating 2 out of 5]

The writing for this one was better than She Comes First, without sacrificing clarity.

The book blends psychology and physiology facts or generalizations from the author's background as a lens through which female readers can approach male pleasure.

I have three problems with the content; these problems undermined the book as a whole, for me, though I still walked away with ideas and new knowledge.

1) There's practically no discussion of foreskin; the author has a diagram which includes it, but then, aside from a brief discussion about myths regarding cleanliness, it's ignored completely, even in the technical how-to section for manual/oral/intercourse.

2) Where's the safer sex? Like with She Comes First, the author seems to assume that couples are having unprotected sex, such that a female's vaginal fluids could serve as lubrication on the penis for every sort of sex. I quote, "It may be time to add lubrication, particularly if you are emphasizing manual stimulation. While your own natural vaginal lubrication is the preferred choice... .(167)" Maybe he means fluids over a condom, but where he gives technical directions for position changes throughout his process, he leaves condoms ignored not just here but throughout most of the book.

3) The focus on women domineering in the bedroom is... I don't know. Read for yourself and tell me if you feel the same. It's one thing to be in charge of your pleasure and empowered, but I'm definitely on the side of: talk to your partner. Do the things you both want to do. And that equilateral focus isn't what seems to be on Dr. Kerner's mind for this book. Maybe because he's focusing his advice for couples who have been together a while and feel bored.

[Freya · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a helpful book to gain more knowledge and instruction about the specificity of the male sexual response. It's easy to read, factual, many scientific citations of Masters & Johnson and while I felt I knew quite a lot about the male sexual response, I learned more information through this book.

A helpful guide to women who care to please their man.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Learned a lot of new facts about the body and the senses. My only problem is the title of the book and the use of the word "passionistas". Passionistas is referred to to as us, women, the reader. Personally I don't want to be called a passionista.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn’t really like this book. The author was too clear about his opinions and preferences. He was condescending about boundaries and things people just aren’t into while preaching respecting boundaries and being open minded.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

very disappointing book. too many hurr durr puns. not much actual information.

[Sonja · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nothing I didn’t know

[Nastya · Rating 2 out of 5]

Well, the book has some good advice, and it is always nice to read about something from a perspective of another human being. Good reminder to hug often. Obvious, but always good to repeat over and over.

I wondered how old is Ian Kerner (as of today it is 56y, and as of publishing the book — 42), and it explains some of the passages that felt so far from real life, and mine and my cis-female friends experiences. The book suggests, that everything, especially love, for cis-men circle around their penises. That men don’t really talk about experiences or fantasies (unless their female partner tricks him into it), they enjoy exhibitionism, and also protect their penises and balls when going to a bathroom at night (seriously, I never seen any of my lovers doing so).

So far I feel, that couples (or groups of lovers) in their 20s and 30s (in 2022) have far better communication, with male partners being more open, having better relationships with their vulnerability, less judgmental about sex practices, etc. There is far less of toxic masculinity going on. So the book for the folx of my age and younger might seem partially outdated.

All the « passionistas » and « tigresses » made me frown. The generalization about cis men or women, too.

Summary>>
This book by language and content is about and for: cis heterosexual couples, who are mainly monogamous, and sometimes practice sex with others to bring a sparkle into their marriage. Can be a good choice for older couples who need advice on how to communicate about sex, how to help men relax and feel vulnerable, for someone who grew up in the society of «men don’t cry » and « men only think about sex ».

[Alicia Zuto · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book and the author. I like that I learned a lot and it was from a man that was very respectable of his wife although he was talking very abruptly and bluntly about sex. He did it in the most comfortable way even if I was right there talking to him. Some authors seem to go on the raunchy side but I respected his professional yet straightforward info and maybe some of it is stuff we already knew but like anything when we are reading it we are more motivated to use it. It had a lot of different information and ideas to put to use and wasn't too overdone with analogies of people under false names. A little bit of everything and in great order. The beginning is geared for total beginners but even somebody that has been pretty open to trying things in a loving relationship, I still came out with the couple ideas that I would be willing to look forward to trying. On top of that different techniques for not just sex but b******** and handjobs to make the sex last longer and have more of an epiphany instead of the whole systematic way it becomes of just getting to the point. If you're looking for a book on this kind of subject that isn't extremely raunchy this is it for you. Of course I like to try all different types of books and various forms of the subject but this suited the purpose and was right in the middle

[BethMcD 🧚🏼‍♀️ · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ugh. This was almost painful. There were so many generalizations. This book was also rife with sexism.

The author makes attempts to refer to different “beliefs” of anthropologists or other scientific communities and very inconsistently cites sources. That is to say that sometimes actually scientific sources are use and sometimes he just speaks in generalizations.

Surely not all anthropologists believe that women make eye contact during sex because of “motherly instincts” and the need to make eye contact with an infant while nursing. And on this same note what about women who are neurodivergent and are uncomfortable making prolonged eye contact?

I knew going into this that it would be cheesy, but I wasn’t prepared for it to be so painful. He referred to a lot of other books about sex and a large majority of them were written by men. It feels very biased and just I’ll informed. This book may have been better had it been co-written with a female sex therapist in order to offer both perspectives that are required when discussing sex.

Overall pretty bad. There were a few things I learned. But if i could turn back time I would find a book co written from both the male and female perspectives in hopes of finding a less generalized and sexist approach.

[Brianne · Rating 1 out of 5]

My husband and I both DNFed this book after the section about how a postpartum woman "isn't paranoid, but intuitive" if they worry their husband will seek sexual pleasure elsewhere. He also says that even though you might feel tired, or uncomfortable, or insecure about your body postpartum, you should find ways to keep the sexual spark alive for your man so you don't become a statistic, and so your man doesn't feel like a third wheel in his own home.

Um...wtf?!

This is just one example in this book that reinforces the toxic narrative of "boys will be boys". It isn't empowering, forward thinking, or informative.

I started to read it thinking maybe I would learn something about my husband's body or the male sexual experience that could help our already thriving sex life to become even better. My husband read 2 chapters I shared and said "this is bullshit and I would DNF it". (Full disclosure: I read 70% of this book before DNFing.)

I've read some ACTUALLY empowering and informative books on this topic and they are mostly written by women. Starting with one of their books is a much better bet. This one is a hard pass.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fascinating trip into the male psyche which is what I liked best about it - the info came at an especially important time. Some great ideas to keep things spicy in all, but especially long term relationships. Felt a little too judgy on non-monogamous relationships which I found strange as I haven’t seen that in his other writings, like this one
https://www.cnn.com/2023/02/19/health...

Also found it really odd he encouraged at a couple of points sending racy pics and videos to your partner while they are at work, like on a work computer. That's a giant NO, as someone who once accidentally walked in on a male looking at a totally inappropriate image on his computer just because I had a question, you know, about WORK at work, that stuff needs to stay on personal devices on personal time.

[Anon · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of this was good, but some of the advice I thought was extremely off... Women already take on the majority of emotional responsibility in a relationship. A lot of the advice he was suggesting put all the responsibility on the women. It took all the problems a man may have and said "fix it, woman." For example, one woman wrote to him asking for help because her bf doesn't want her on top during intercourse, though that's her favorite position. So he suggested that she get him really in the mood and then slowly just position themselves that way... Wrong, you talk this through with your partner and grow from there. It certainly was an interesting read as I am not a man. I definitely learned, but the advice throughout felt off, that's for sure. Overall, would read.

[Riley Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

My wife read it and I liked the results so I decided to read it. The big takeaway from me is that while understanding sexual techniques is important, infusing relationships with communication and adventure is what makes sex great. It can’t become boring if you are opening yourself up and vulnerable.

He uses the analogy of the shaky bridge. There is a study where men ran into a beautiful women on a stable concrete bridge and another group on a shaky suspension bridge. The group on the suspension bridge was more likely to try to get a date with the woman. Injecting adventure and fun into is key.

He is much more “sex positive” on porn and other things but the principles are good.

[Tracy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting information about men and how they experience intimacy. The part about the male pelvis in general was informative and new information for me.

I wanted more actionable items and specific ideas on how to connect emotionally with men. Just talking about fantasies doesn't seem like enough.

I could have done without the sex puns throughout. They didn't really add anything to the book for me, and seemed somewhat juvenile.

I had several good conversations with my husband from passages that I shared with him from the book.

Hit me up if you have any other book recommendations that address the topic of emotional connection with men well.

[Elisabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I felt obligated to read this after finishing She Comes First with much enthusiasm earlier this year. This is equally good and informative while striking a great balance between anatomical and psychological education, reckoning with the obstacles put on male sexuality by the patriarchy, and very literal hands-on advice.

My mind doesn't feel quite as expanded by this one as by its woman-centered equivalent which seems odd given my biological sex. But then, male sexuality is less tabooed and therefore likely better understood by many.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

The hardest (pun intended) part of this book for me was near the end, when the four phases were introduced, and various techniques and “how-tos” were all dropped into a densely information packed series of the book. How is one supposed to not approach this in a clinical, follow the instructions sort of way and just be into it, as the author suggests? Maybe after a lot of rereading and then practice, until it was something that became a bit more familiar, that would be possible.

[Michaelann · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disappointing. The first book in this series, She Comes First, was quite excellent with lots of useful insight. This one has me rolling my eyes with the oversimplification of the advice, and more than once when it says things like "men struggle to have good sex if they aren't exercising, so make sure your man exercises," I've thought, "why the fuck is this my responsibility?" Still got about an hour to read and hoping the book turns around.

[Cara Heuser · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m giving it three stars bc I can see how it would be really helpful for some couples.

If you didn’t read Cosmo “how to please a man” articles when you were way too young, perhaps this is info you don’t already have. Or if you are generally a sexually reserved person and need to spice it up, this could help. I thought there may be even additional secrets I could learn here but no, turns out it’s sex 101.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honestly, I enjoyed this book. It felt like I was reading a cosmo magazine at times with the personal stories of couples and I even learned a few things about male physiology that I don’t recall learning from nursing school. So I’m sure some people would love or hate that. He did use the term “slut” which is not my favorite but overall it was a fun read for a self help book and I’d recommend it to my friends if they were curious.