Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death

by Joan Halifax, Ira Byock (Foreword)

A Buddhist teacher draws from her years of experience in caring for the dying to provide inspiring lessons on how to face death with courage and compassion The Buddhist approach to death can be of great benefit to people of all backgrounds—as has been demonstrated by Joan Halifax’s decades of work with the dying and their caregivers. A Zen priest and a world-renowned pioneer in care of the dying, Halifax has helped countless people face death with courage and trained caregivers in compassioante end-of-life care.In this book, Halifax offers lessons from dying people and caregivers, as well as guided meditations to help readers contemplate death without fear, develop a commitment to helping others, and transform suffering and resistance into courage. Her teachings affirm that we can open and contact our inner strength—and that we can help others who are suffering to do the same. Being with Dying is a source of wisdom for anyone who is facing their own death, caring for someone who is dying, or wishing to explore the transformative power of the dying process.

Genres: Death, Buddhism, Nonfiction, Spirituality, Psychology, Grief, Philosophy

229 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 1, 1997

About the author

Joan Halifax is a Zen Buddhist teacher, anthropologist, ecologist, civil rights activist, hospice caregiver, and the author of several books on Buddhism and spirituality. She currently serves as abbot of Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Halifax has received dharma transmission from both Bernard Glassman and Thich Nhat Hanh, and studied under Korean master Seung Sahn. In the 1970s she collaborated on LSD research projects with her ex-husband Stanislav Grof, in addition to other collaborative efforts with Joseph Campbell and Alan Lomax. As a socially engaged Buddhist, Halifax has done extensive work through her Project on Being with Dying. She is on the board of directors of the Mind and Life Institute, a non-profit organization exploring the relationship between science and Buddhism.

Reviews

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent text for anyone facing death (in a more specific way than the way everyone is headed towards death) or who will be handling the emotions and stress involved in someone else who is dying, especially someone close to you. The underlying philosophy is Buddhist but the practical mindfulness techniques included in each chapter would be helpful to people in any belief system (or lack there of.) How to let go. How to take care of yourself. How to be present with another person's experience without forcing your own expectations. How not to play the hero or the martyr. It almost made me want to switch careers to be a hospice worker, just thinking about how many people die without this space and respect.

[Judy Croome · Rating 4 out of 5]

BEING WITH DYING is specifically aimed at professional caregivers, but non-professional caregivers, such as family members and friends who provide caregiving for a dying person, will find excellent support to guide them along their spiritual path.

With unflinching honesty and deep compassion for the dying person, Halifax explores all the aspects of dying and death that, in being with a dying person, a caregiver may experience. She deals with the spiritual, physical, mental and emotional processes that dying activates and how this affects both the dying person and those around him.

There was some bias against family members and friends acting as caregivers to the dying. All her empathy lies with the dying person, which is as it should be, but Halifax is, at times, quite unsympathetic to the emotional pain, suffering and struggle from the family caregivers’ side. Her negative view of caretaker archetypes reveals a subtle disdain for the role of family caregivers.

Unfortunately, this slightly detracts from the inherent wisdom of her advice and Buddhist philosophy. Not all of us have the temperament or self-mastery to become a detached caregiver. All non-professional caregivers do is try to give their loved ones the best that they can out of love. Yes, with hindsight, the mistakes they make may have made dying more difficult for the departing soul, but the resulting guilt also makes the loss harder to bear even when the non-professional caregiver knows the loved one’s soul is finally at peace. Halifax’s compassion was all for the dying and there was very little left over for the family members living for years in that strange limbo between deep love, anticipatory grief, impending loss and physical exhaustion.

Despite this, the wise reflections, the meditations and the practical advice presented in BEING WITH DYING helped me through the very trying time of my beloved Father’s active dying. Coincidentally, I started reading this book the night he had his third and final stroke, and I finished it 11 days later, the day after his funeral.

I regret that I only found this book three years after my role as caregiver to my Father began, because I can see the mistakes I made, despite having help from a professional caregiver for the last 18 months. But I do gain some small comfort from the fact that, in the 6 days it took my beloved Father to actively die, I feel this book truly helped me ease his path slightly (by just sitting quietly with him and following his lead.) I also found the breathing meditations helped me calm my mind and relax my body during this intensely emotional time.

Ultimately, BEING WITH DYING was a worthwhile and comforting read for me.

I highly recommend BEING WITH DYING, no matter what stage of the caregiver’s role you are currently in.

[Isidro López · Rating 4 out of 5]

A "tough" book (if you read it with "fully conscious"), about one of the most important and remaining taboos of our society: the taboo of death.

Even if reading will never replace any experience, it can be a good trigger for some reflections and reconnecting with life at its whole... which includes its termination.

[Kelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm very eager to read this one, as it seems most aligned with how I want to approach my mother's death.

This book was so helpful in how we cared for my mother in her last days. It gave me the confidence I needed to let her go and make sure she knew we'd be ok. Of course, I'm not entirely convinced I will be ok at least, not anytime soon.

[Jane B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so inspiring, both as it helped me look at the Buddhist approach to being with someone who is dying and looking at my own mortality. The most significant learning for me was the author's three most significant tenets of being with the dying: not knowing, bearing witness, and compassionate action. I try to take a minute and focus on these before I visit a Hospice patient...and these tenets help me be in the best possible place for these visits.

[Bg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, accessible, simple and very useful.
Essential reading for any of us mortal beings!!

[Juan Jacobo Bernal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been practicing Vipassana mindfulness meditation for more than 21 years now. Still, I am admittedly someone who struggles with grief and the reality of our mortality. Halifax’s book was not an easy read: it confronted me in a raw way to the aspects of death that I fear the most. At the same time, she applies the healing balm of awareness and compassion. It is hard to put into word just how well this book matched what I needed at this point in my life. Will be definitely be coming back to it time and again.

[Tim Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. I have had the great fortune of attending a weeklong Roshi Joan “Being with Dying” retreat in Sante Fe. It was very powerful and fulfilling. I recently felt drawn to read her book, to benefit from her transformational and service-oriented wisdom. She has deep insight, and she very lovingly shares what she has learned from decades of working closely with the dying.

[Alesa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very inspirational spiritual guide to accompanying a loved one as they journey towards death. I found both the zen approach and the practical details to be extremely helpful. It took me about six months to finish the book, as I read it slowly, sometimes just a paragraph or two a week, in order to digest it fully. The author, a zen teacher, shows us how to deal with the fear of death (whether our own or that of a loved one), and instead view death as a huge spiritual opportunity.

I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with the dying. The language is beautiful and compassionate. Here were some of my take-aways (quotes):

* Each death is unique, and mysteriously perfect just as it is.

* Dying is a full-time job. Expect dying people to be preoccupied with learning everything they can about their condition and coping with the radical changes they are experiencing. Expect them to be absorbed in their pain and illness, their spiritual practice, and saying goodbye to loved ones. Most are passing through an overwhelming experience.

* Can we be truly compassionate with ourselves when we fail to be flawless caregivers, and with the dying person when she fails to die in the way we think she should?

* Let the dying take the lead.

* Whether we are actively dying or are giving care, we find ourselves humbled and enriched by being fully present to the unacceptable, the unexplained, the unjustified, and the unknowable.

* Life and death are of supreme importance. Time passes swiftly and opportunity is lost. Let us awaken, awaken ... Do not squander your life. ~ Zen night chant

[Robert Stevens · Rating 5 out of 5]

The closer of the book sums up the book:

“Life and death are of supreme importance. Time passes swiftly and opportunity is lost. Let us awaken, awaken....Do not squander your life.” (Zen Night Chant)

“Being With Dying” (*****) pursues making death about life in that they are one in the same. The taboo of death in our culture hurts more than it helps. This book provides a path to change that in ourselves and as we face death with others. This book reminds us of the importance of now and of the impermanence of everything, including pain and suffering.

This is definitely a book that will be read again and shared with others because life and death go hand in hand. I will also re-visit the meditations that go along with each of the chapters.

[Ed. Tablas · Rating 3 out of 5]

La partida de nuestros amigos y familiares siempre nos dejan una huella incomprensible tras el velo del misterio que los abraza. Esta es una muestra bajo la visión tibetana para abordar este tema y aprender a vivir con ello mientras llegue nuestro turno …

[Est · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr Joan Halifax has a way of writing that draws the reader into a journey of introspection. While she taps into her vast experiences and interactions with patients, the focus is always about their experiences and not how she "helped" them. This book also provides contemplative practices at the end of each chapter.

[Lennie Noiles · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful

[Mercy Sakes · Rating 5 out of 5]

necessary book

So full of musings, deep thoughts and giving words to my feelings. Enjoy is not a word I’d use to describe this, enlightening is the one that comes closest.

[Justine Chen]

i didn’t finish this book yet because i got too sad also i lent it to my neighbour who had a lot of death in his life recently. will come back to it eventually!!

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought I'd record a few favorite quotes and ended up with 3 pages of notes. I'll absolutely be returning to this book.
--
"Simple, but not necessarily easy: We abandon our fixed ideas of outcome. If there is even one wish for a certain kind of result, then we aren’t being with what’s actually happening. The radical optimist is not investing in the future, but in the present moment, free of design.”

“Often, though, the transition out of life can be unpredictable and chaotic. It is a time of great uncertainty for a dying person. It may be that nothing we have relied on is there to support us. The best and often the only thing to do is to let go and, as Bernie Glassman Roshi teaches, bear witness to the change- to be with what is without resistance and allow for the inevitable changes around dying to happen freely.” p. 61

“On this path of bearing witness to dying, can we give no fear? Can we give up our tight control strategies, our ideas of what it means to ‘die well’- concepts that can blind us to the experience of those we are trying to help- and really let the dying person take the lead? And, equally importantly, can we care for ourselves as we wish to care for others? Whether dying or giving care, each of these depends on your fully letting go into the present moment, the mother of awareness, bearing deep witness.” p. 62

‘In the passage from life to death, what you will go through is not a story, or an idea that is somewhere ‘out there’. Your old identity is thrashed like grain, and a new life may grow from the brokenness of your past and the breaking open of the present. Dying and being with dying are threshold experiences with the potential to destroy our self-clinging as they liberate us into a larger space.” p.62

“The concept of a good death can put unbearable pressure on dying people and caregivers, and can take us away from death’s mystery and the richness of not knowing. Our expectations of how someone should die can give rise to subtle or direct coerciveness. And no one wants to be judged for how well she died!”

“Often it takes an accident, a catastrophic diagnosis, a disaster, or great loss for us to break open. Then, when we begin to explore the truth of suffering, we often find within each poison the nectar of wisdom, kindness, and love. But we must first discard the belief that we can make our suffering go away. Instead, we learn to stay with it. Then we become curious about it. This is a fundamental change of attitude: we accept our suffering and determine to help ourselves by investigating its cause. We are forced to lie down in what Yeats called “the foul rag-and-bone shop of the heart.” This is where most of us begin our journey home-among the rags and bones of our tender and awful brokenness.” p. 87

“Grief can bloom into humility, faith, and tenderness when we hold it with patience and respect, and find a sane relationship to our sadness without being overwhelmed.” p.125

“Although I found it hard to bear witness to Ann’s grief, I also saw its value in helping her to scour out her heart so that it became bigger as active dying approached. To have robbed her of the opportunity of expressing sadness by consoling her or trying to distract her would have taken away a piece of her life that had gone unexpressed by her years of optimism. Ann’s natural sadness gave her the chance to open to a deep level of compassion- and it became her guide into death.” p. 130

“Coming to terms with the truth of impermanence is one of the most important ways for us to transform our relationship to dying and death. If we are able to realize that everything we cherish will be lost, we will not be so fearful of death. We can understand that it is simply the natural order. Realizing impermanence is itself a profound purification of our passion and aggression and can inspire us to help others.” p. 132

“Our job in being with dying is to accept even the most unaccepting and unacceptable approaches to death and realize that they are normal too, like the Zen master who died screaming.”

“We need to learn to stay with suffering without trying to change it or fix it. Only when we are able to be present for our own suffering are we able to be present for the suffering of others, and the difficulties they may encounter in dying. The practice of insight meditation, in which we watch the ebb and flow of mental activity, is a good way to cultivate this ability.” -p.157

“When we cultivate our ability to be present, we train our hearts to open to suffering, transforming it into well-being and offering our own natural mercy. We’re asked to invite suffering into our being and let it break open the armor of our heart. The tender spaciousness that arises awakens selfless warmth and compassion. We cannot help but send our love and kindness to the one who is suffering, be it others or ourselves.” -p. 158

“Ultimately, to help others, we must relate with kindness toward our own rage, helplessness, and frustration, our doubt, bitterness, and fear. We must get in touch with the obstacles that prevent us from understanding and caring. Through accepting our own suffering, we can begin to be with others in a more open, kind, and understanding way. We learn not to reject difficult situations or people. Rather, we meet them exactly where they are….This is the basis for our work with the dying. We cannot prevent death from happening, or make it easier for the dying one to accept it. We can learn to meet it and find mercy in it.” p. 158

“In accepting death as inevitable, we don’t label it as a good thing or a bad thing. As one of my teachers once said to me, ‘Death happens. It is just death, and how we meet it is up to us.’’” p. 172

“The practice of bathing and caring for the dead is common the world over, and very often has a profound effect on the family and friends who participate in the ritual… Being with the body of the deceased person offers us a precious chance to make a whole cloth out of death and grieving, bringing the circle of being with dying to completion and healing.” p. 185

“Strange to say, but catastrophe is usually the circumstance that liberates strength, wisdom, and kindness from within the suffocating embrace of fear. Dying, we can be more alive. Being present and giving care in the midst of a meltdown of mind or life can seed compassion.”

“In being with dying, we arrive at the natural crucible of what it means to love and be loved. In this burning fire we test our practices of not-knowing, bearing witness, and compassionate action, practices that can also hold us up through the most intense flames. Please, let us not lose our precious opportunity to show up for this great matter- indeed, the only matter- the awesome matter of life and death.” p. 202

[Dave · Rating 5 out of 5]

Strong Back. Soft Front.

A much needed book (for me) that goes well beyond how we meet death and how we care for those who know in a profound, non-abstract way that death is imminent. The book suggested to me better routes for life. (Even in my relationships. This book pointed out some of my very selfish behaviors with others while not once...NOT ONCE...judging me. I felt safe and empowered to change instead of my typical defensiveness and stubbornness.)

The author uses experience obtained providing care to many “terminal” (not sure about that adjective anymore...adventurous?...intrepid?...human?) people, including her own father, to impart very practical suggestions. She is Buddhist and much of the text leans on Buddhist teachings, but I did not find the book overtly religious. More philosophical.

The end of each chapter includes a meditation. Mindfulness. I am not given to meditation, and my left-brained intellect can be very dismissive of looking in on itself. But I followed the meditations. Five stars (not very objective of me) for my review remains. Anything more written would be too personal.

I started this book wanting to hate it...to criticise and deconstruct every platitude offered within it. I found no empty words or ideas. Only healing.

Perhaps my most personally important read of this year or even this decade.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I may not be spiritually in tune enough to really appreciate this book. The dying process is epic, deep and profound in this author's telling. In my experience as a nurse, it seems to be, more frequently, a simple, peaceful fact of life with suffering alleviated by family presence and medications as much as any spiritual epiphany or breakthrough. I would never advocate for a non-medicated death when there is physical suffering involved.

[Collette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great spiritual book. I think I am more buddhist than any other religion, and I love this books focus on meditation and being in the present...a great read on the side while I am finishing up the very long and intense fiction book I'm reading!

[Mark Bourdon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have wanted to read this for some time and I wasn’t let down. Great lessons on living and dying with dignity; along with wonderful meditation exercises to complement the stories and teachings. 🙏🏻

[Antonio Nunez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Joan Halifax’s book Being with Dying packs a wallop disproportionate to its size. Although I am not an end-of-life caregiver nor am currently (touch wood!) facing our terminal fate, I have long been surprised by our (Western culture’s) resolute denial of death. It has been shorn of its cultural dimension and reduced to a medical process that is generally distasteful near its end and should be medicalized and antisepticized (to coin a long and ugly word) as much as possible. In the other hand, there is much interest in what happens *after* death, whether “heaven is for real”, what people or pets we meet there, or what the light tunnel looks like. What about death itself. Most of us, it seems, like Woody Allen, don’t mind it much, but would rather not be there when it comes along. The Buddhist tradition to which Halifax subscribes will have no truck with that: as purveyors of mindfulness, they believe we should be there for everything that happens to us, particularly when it is important. The key milestones in our lives (being born, coming of age, marrying, bearing children) all end in a milestone as big as a tombstone. A literal tombstone. The author quotes many stories from the Buddhist tradition. Each chapter begins with an anecdote of her life as an end of life carer and ends with a meditation. The stories are fascinating and the meditations are very useful. The Christian tradition to which I belong has much content that aims to ensure that we remain aware of our final destination. I am always reminded, when I think about this, of many works of art in the Danse Macabre tradition that followed on the heels of the Black Death, particularly in the Netherlands and neighboring regions. Halifax’s writing is unflinching, telling it like it is even to the dregs. But she provides tools to help us die better and help others die better. Having read this book I find myself more mindful than before, both of life and of dying and closer emotionally to those that are forced to travel that road before me.

[Alicia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is filled with thoughtful stories, advice, and insights from Joan's decades tending to those who are dying. Being new to the Buddhist perspective, there were moments when I felt that she was saying that suffering was good/had a silver lining/is necessary for us to grow, and I understand that perspective but personally don't care for it (yes, I have created meaning out of my suffering but I don't think my suffering is 'good' or that it needed to happen to me). I did, however, really enjoy many of the meditations she shared and will definitely be utilizing those.

Another point of critique, for me personally - Joan spent the entire book talking about how we shouldn't bring judgment or expectations to people's dying - that each individual has their own completely unique experience and as part of their care team we need to stay open to what they are going through, being in the present moment, rather than having our own preconceived notions of what would be a "good way to die," - but then clearly was uncomfortable with those in her care who chose to utilize Medical Aid in Dying. I agree wholeheartedly with Joan's advice to "let the dying person lead," and to not bring our own agendas to bear on their death - and this should include how we personally may feel about Medical Aid in Dying.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Halifax has written such a beautiful. compassionate book. Here, she takes anyone through the stages of dying, through the inevitable pain, exhaustion, and grief, teaching delicately about the beauty in impermanence. She brings meaning to suffering and heart to living.

My family recently came face-to-face with death as it nearly took my mother and as she was placed on hospice. The timing for finding and reading this book was providential.

As a caretaker myself, I appreciated Halifax's willingness to approach all of it, frankly and kindly. Knowing that I can embrace and practice the three tenants of dying: not knowing, bearing witness, and compassionate action helps me to feel free from many of the anxieties that had previously held me captive.

This is a difficult book, but if you are in a situation where you are a caretaker to one who is dying, or if you are dying yourself, this may be a helpful--even empowering--read.

***The content of this book is death-centric and the material may be difficult for some. I, personally, had to skip Chapter 22, which details how a body is prepared for burial.***

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 ⭐️ some really interesting concepts here. I liked the idea that a good death is the death that people choose for themselves and that it can look really different including unmanaged symptoms - this challenged me to reflect on my own biases and opinions as a palliative care doctor. I agree with her that our culture has turned death into something to fear, something hands off and institutionalized / medicalized when it is very much a natural part of life. Book encouraged me to reflect on impermanence and the fact that we often wait for a catastrophe or a near death experience to focus on what’s really important to us vs living our lives with the inevitability and unpredictability of death in mind. The religious sections were a bit much - like any religion I found Buddhism to be internally contradictory. For example suffering was presented as essential to enlightenment, growth etc but at the same time a lot of the meditations were based on not wanting people to experience suffering. A good review of different ways people cope with death and dying.

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lessons and little meditation practices. It's good. Reminder to breathe and community and yeah, just breathe. Read this in the Arrigetch.

"When I let myself drop all the way through to the bottom, I found that my mother had become an ancestor. As I finally released her, she became part of me, And my sadness became part of the river of grief that pulses deep inside us, hidden from view but informing our lives at every turn"

"Life and death are of supreme importance.
Time passes swiftly and opportunity is lost.
Let us awaken
Awaken...
Do not squander your life"

"But soon we shall die ad all memory of those five will have left earth, and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough".

[Joanne Mcleod · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is excellent in blending the practices of mindfulness with being in the presence of death and impermanence. One of the concluding paragraphs best sums up the theme of this book as a 'practice' for our own death: "For practicing dying is also practicing living, if we can only realize it. The more truly we can see this, the better we can serve those who are actively dying and offer them our love without condition."

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not my genre of choice nor my book of choice. Read as a part of book group. Death and dying is not something I really want to think about or explore during this pandemic and recent presidential election. If you do, than this book is for you. Focused on the tenants of Buddhism which I really knew little about until I read this book. The author ‘s style is very readable. To the point where bought another book of hers not focused on dying.

[Tara Brabazon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has a strong Buddhist inflection to death. This frame provides a peaceful guide through a tough topic. There is some interesting attention to the carer. However the gap remains an understanding of the profound problems in health industries and the corporatization of death.

There is a romanticization of death in this book. It is gentle and kind, which is welcome. But complexity is also required in understanding the 'management' of death in peak capitalism.

[Cassandra Ackerson · Rating 5 out of 5]

An enlightening read on how to use the practices of not-knowing, bearing witness and compassionate action to assist people to be with dying. When we allow ourselves to recognize our own impermanence, it allows us to life a more full life. I have felt this way for a while but Halifax puts those thoughts in to the words I was searching for. I am grateful for her sharing her experiences and wisdom so that myself and others might cultivate more compassion and fearlessness in the presence of death.

[Neal Fandek · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is basically a self-help book, with the self-help industry’s exaggerated, nonstop reliance on third person stories: June did this, Joe said that, Tim was here when this happened. Supposed to be inspirational, just irritating. And it’s suffused with Buddhist meditation practices, which really is the center of this novel. A lot of it really does read like fiction. Mostly it’s for caregivers into Buddhism and meditation.

All in all, very disappointing.