ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

by Russ Harris

All people in intimate relationships wish they had the serenity to accept what they cannot change about their partners, the courage to change the things they can, and the wisdom to know the difference. But few actually have these qualities. More often, day-to-day fights and frustrations build resentment, and neither partner changes in the end. ACT with Love is an accessible guide to applying acceptance, openness to change, and wisdom--crucial relating skills--to relationships. This book shows readers how to focus on the present moment and take effective action in line with their values rather than simply reacting according to their immediate feelings.

One of the first trade books to apply acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to relationships, this guide is written in an entertaining, engaging style appealing to lay readers and experienced ACT practitioners alike. Chapter by chapter, readers learn to live by their values in a relationship, use mindfulness to accept and appreciate their partners, change their behavior to become the partners they want to be, and acknowledge but set aside unhelpful beliefs and thoughts about the relationship. ACT with Love emphasizes that it is futile for readers to control their partners, and instead, they must accept them. Because this is often difficult, the book helps readers develop compassion for themselves and for their partners and work to resolve painful conflicts and reconcile long-standing differences.

The book includes many helpful exercises couples can do together to learn to act with compassion and love toward each other. Throughout the book, the author refers readers to online free, downloadable resources, such as worksheets and MP3 recordings, designed to be used in conjunction with this guide.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Mental Health, Audiobook, Marriage

242 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Dr Russ Harris is a medically-qualified doctor, stress consultant, executive coach, trainer, author, and a leading authority in the powerful new paradigm of Psychological Flexibility. (This is a revolutionary new development in human psychology that enhances performance, reduces stress, and improves health and wellbeing.) Dr Russ regularly presents workshops on Psychological Flexibility at both national and international psychology conferences, and has a thriving business traveling around Australia running training seminars for psychologists, coaches and a variety of health professionals.

Dr Russ's first book, 'The Happiness Trap', was published in Australia in March 2007, and is already well on the way to becoming a bestseller. (The title reflects a key theme in the book - that popular ideas about happiness are misleading, inaccurate, and actually make us miserable in the long term.) He is currently completing his second book 'From Fear To Fulfilment' - which is also the title of his most popular talk.

Back in the early nineties, when Russ was a GP in Melbourne, he moonlighted as a stand-up comedian, and as well as appearing regularly on the Melbourne comedy circuit, he featured on TV shows such as Tonight Live with Steve Vizard, and The Mid-Day Show with Ray Martin. As a result of this experience, his talks are fast-paced, engaging and humorous - as well as being action-packed with information, tools, and techniques for reducing stress, enhancing performance, and increasing vitality.

Reviews

[Leila · Rating 5 out of 5]

"عمل عاشقانه" کتابی است برای بهتر، عمیق‌تر و صمیمی‌تر شدن رابطه با شریک عاطفی‌مان که هرچند مخصوص زوجین نگاشته شده ولی می‌تواند برای بالاتر بردن کیفیت رابطه‌مان با نزدیک‌ترین افراد زندگی مانند والدین و فرزندان نیز موثر باشد.
همانطور که از اسمش پیداست کتابی پر از تمرین و مدیتیشن و عمل هست که اگر انجام دهیم قطعا نتیجه‌ی بهتری هم می‌گیریم.
مطالب کتاب بسیار مفیدند و نمی‌توان در چند خط خلاصه کرد. بطور خیلی خیلی فشرده خلاصه این کتاب را می توان در دو جمله آورد:
۱-کاهش دادن DRAIN:
که بطور خلاصه شامل بریدن و انفصال، رفتارهای واکنشی ، اجتناب از تجربه‌ی احساسات دردناک ، غرق بودن در ذهن خود و غفلت از ارزش‌ها می‌شود.
۲- افزایش دادن LOVE:
که بطور خلاصه یعنی دور شدن و رها کردن افکارناکارا، گشودگی، ارزش مداری و مجذوب و درگیر بودن در فرد مقابل.

یکی از جملاتی که خیلی به دلم نشست و در حین خواندن کتاب متوجهش شدم این بود:
والدین باید یادآور شادی، آرامش و احساس خوب در فرزندشان باشند نه استرس.

پ.ن : این کتاب بر اساس روان‌شناسی ACT نگاشته شده و به همین دلیل بهتر است قبل از مطالعه‌ی این کتاب یا با این رویکرد آشنا باشید و یا دو کتاب " از ذهن خود بیرون بیا و زندگی کن" اثر استیون هیز و همین طور " تله‌ی شادمانی" از راس هریس ،که از قضا نویسنده‌ی همین کتاب عمل عاشقانه هم هست، مطالعه کرده باشین.

۱۴۰۲/۱۰/۲۵

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is my primary modality for treating folks in individual therapy, and the kind of couples therapy I do (Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy) has a high degree of overlap with ACT. I was excited to read an explicitly ACT-oriented self-help approach for couples, and was impressed with Harris' book. It's a good length, written accessibly without being cheesy, and has a lot of wisdom. I think some people chafe against the idea of acceptance (e.g., "I just have to accept what I don't like about my partner???"), but the heart of the book (and ACT more broadly) is about values. So, yeah...if staying in your relationship is more important to you than your dislikes, you are going to have to figure out a way to may it work (and Harris provides lots of detail about how to do that mindfully). That's not complacence; that's prioritizing one of your own values above another. But we all get to choose. Anyway, I've used parts of it with patients already, and would recommend it both professionally and personally to most folks.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good advice for any relationship, whether the struggles are serious or run of the mill, though the writing was distractingly normative in every way and pretty cliched.

[Adrian · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5 book and one that I believe all those in romantic relationships can benefit from reading together.

[Zhaslan · Rating 5 out of 5]

В ходе прослушивания не делал никаких записей и комментариев, что зря, но книга все равно заслуживает мини-рецензии. В ней четко и ясно дается понять, что любые отношения, в особенности осознанные и выверенные временем, нельзя пускать наутек, т.е. нельзя не работать над отношениями. Речь идет также о терапии принятия и ответственности (ACT), на чем, собственно, и базируется книга. Простыми словами, нужно уметь слушать себя и правильно подходить к словам, действиям партнера. Жирный лайк за примеры и метафоры (особенно две горы и равнина между ними).

[Yorgo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is definitely a must-read to anyone who feels they struggle in relationships or feel they could do better, or e.g. wanna improve their current relationship or wanna be better prepared for a new relationship.

As a psychology student, it's been a few years since I got interest in Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, and I was really curious how this could apply to couples & relationships. Of course I was curious whether it would be helpful for my own relationships or not.

Great quotes :
“The feeling of love comes and goes on a whim; you can't control it. But the action of love is something you can do, regardless of how you are feeling.”
“Stop trying to control how you feel, and instead take control of what you do.”

It turned out this book was surprisingly good ! It's probably one of the best books out there on the subject of relationships (and better than general self help books).

What's great about the book is that it's really well structured and guides you on your way to better understand how to make relationships work (or when to end a relationship!).
The book contains lots of exercices you can do by yourself, or even better : with your partner.

I'm going to recommend this to all my friends and definitely use it if I ever do couple therapy/counseling.

[Lisa Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

2nd read through: still love this book after all these years. Read it again because I want to refer to it in the book I’m writing!

is the new book I'm giving to all my couples clients. A GREAT book about helping your relationship!! Read it and see!!!

[Jeremy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Notes:

+ Principles for relationships
- Love and pain are intimate dance partners; they go hand-in-hand
- You can’t always get what you want
- There’s no such thing as the perfect partner
- Complex issues don’t have simple answers
- You can’t control your partner; but you can control your own behavior and use it to constructively influence your partner
- The carrot is more effective than the stick
- Conflict is inevitable, but good communication, assertiveness, making repairs, and being compassionate will make it much less destructive
- Feelings of love come and go; actions of love can be taken in any moment.

+ DRAIN
Disconnection
Reactivity
Avoidance
Inside your mind
Neglecting values

+ Psychological smog
- The Should Layer
- The No Point Trying Layer
- The If Only Layer
- The Painful Past Layer
- The Scary Future Layer
- The Reason-Giving Layer
- The Judgment Layer
- The I Know Why Layer
- The Deep-Seated Fears Layer

+ TAME
- Take note: notice and name what’s showing up in your body
- Allow: give your feeling permission to be there; “let it be”
- Make room: open up around this feeling, and let it freely flow through you; let it come and stay and go in its own good time
- Expand awareness: continue to acknowledge your feeling, while broadening your focus to include the world around you



Quotes:

Whereas the feelings of love are fleeting and largely out of your control, you can take the actions of love anytime and anyplace for the whole rest of your life. Indeed, this truth applies to all human feelings. For example, you can feel angry but act calmly. You can feel anxious but act confidently. And this ability leads us to one of the key themes in ACT: stop trying to control how you feel, and instead take control of what you do.

The more importance we place on avoiding unpleasant feelings in life, the more our life tends to go downhill.

What you do to try to control your partner might sometimes work in the short run to get your needs met, but often in the long run it ruins your relationship.

A healthy relationship is like two towering mountains with a magnificent valley between them through which the river of life flows strong and fast and free. Neither mountain needs the other—and yet their connection to one another gives rise to a lush valley.

What sort of partner are you? What sort of partner do you want to be? Is there a gap between who you want to be and the way you are acting right now?

Values are about opening your heart and doing what is truly meaningful, so they give you a sense of lightness, openness, and expansiveness. Rules generally have a sense of heaviness about them, a sense of obligation, duty, or burden. There are limitless ways of acting on any value, whereas a rule massively restricts your available options. It is uncommon that couples have conflicting values. Far more common, both partners have the same values, but they have different rules about how to act on them.

“In this room, I will never argue with you about what is true or false. What we are interested in is something far more important than true or false: we’re interested in what works best for your relationship… Regardless of whether it’s true or not—what effect does it have on your attitude and your behavior?”

Your psychological smog is a potent, toxic blend of unhelpful thoughts, scary predictions, rigid attitudes, harsh judgments, and painful memories. Over the years, they have built up, layer upon layer, into a thick black cloud that suffocates and smothers you, and prevents you from living the life that you truly want… It is not your thoughts themselves that create the smog. They only turn into smog if you hold on to them!

There are only two types of couples: those who have a wonderful relationship, and those whom you know really well.

A wealth of scientific research shows that the more effort we expend on avoiding unpleasant feelings, the worse our life tends to get… When we spend too much time in the comfort zone, we feel stuck, weighed down, despondent. We should call it “the stagnant zone” or the “missing-out- on-life zone.”

“For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.” H. L. Mencken

[Reading_ Tamishly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you, New Harbinger Publications Inc, for the advance reading copy.

I feel this book should be read at least once when we enter adulthood. We are going to face this situation someday or the other and it’s better that we understand/ be aware that not everyone is the same and not every relationship would work smoothly as we anticipate.

I love how readable this guidebook is. Relationship advice never work most times when it comes from our so called friends and family unless we are ready to accept our situation and sincerely get genuine support from them.

How reading a book actually helps more in such cases:

First, it’s never always comfortable talking about relationships with people. Some things we want to face and need to think over being alone. Because the decisions need to be taken we are alone ultimately.

Second, less noise and less complaints. Most times people point out what’s wrong with the partners. Actually we don’t need this at the moment. A book will not do this for sure.

Third, such guidebooks present their contents (I am talking about this book here) convincing you that it has accepted what’s happened already and make you see what actually has happened making you see different scenarios with examples, and then give you the chance to choose what would happen next all by yourself.

Talk with your loved ones, read this book and ultimately it’s you who will decide.

The book has three main parts with more emphasis on the third part on what we can do if the relationship is not working. I believe these points made are valid and the writing considers the most important aspects of a relationship.

[Alice · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book took awhile for me to get through because I reread so many sections, and I think I will go through and read it again.

It was full of simple exercises and practical advice for improving relationships whether an individual is implementing them or a couple is working on it together.

[Alex English · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book for a counselor-in-training and one that I will use to enhance my own marriage.

[Miruna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Foarte drăguța cartea. Ma așteptam sa fie mai teoretica, dar e plină de exerciții bazate pe principiile ACT pentru problemele de cuplu (și problemele din relațiile interumane pe care le avem). M-am oprit de câteva ori sa fac exercițiile care sunt destul de scurte și ușor de parcurs și înțeles.

[lyle · Rating 2 out of 5]

"Mindfulness helps you separate the person from the painting. You realize there's far more depth to this human being than any static portrait could ever capture. You realize the painting is a caricature: a few symbolic elements of this person, thrown together in a crude, cartoonish image. Look at the painting close up and you see it's nothing but a layer of paint on a bit of canvas. But look at the real person and discover just the opposite: there you'll find depth, life, and meaning."

"[I]f two people want to build a fantastic relationship, each needs to be like a mountain. A mountain is whole and complete in itself--and yet when it encounters another mountain, between them they create something new: a valley. A healthy relationship is like two towering mountains with a magnificent valley between them through which the river of life flows strong and fast and free. Neither mountain needs the other--and yet their connection to one another gives rise to a lush valley teeming with the wonder of nature."

[Samantha Olson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love ACT! And I loved the implementation of ACT skills into improving partnership. Great resource for couples, individuals, and couples’ therapists!

[Bruno · Rating 4 out of 5]

As with all other self-help books I've read, I grabbed this one in a moment of intense distress—who read that stuff for fun anyway? I hoped it would point me where's north, and as such, it worked brilliantly. I read about the ACT approach before, so I knew what to expect. Even so I was quite surprised how Stoically the premise was laid in this book: mind what is under your control. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions, which should be value oriented. You can't control your partner, but you can control yourself. If you define "love" as an emotion, emotions come and go and you can't control them. If you expect that your partner "should" do something, you'll end up miserable because no one is obliged to your wills. But what if I strongly prefer that my partner become a better communicator? Or spends more quality time with me? These issues are also covered in this book, and the answer is extremely workable and reasonable.

However, as most of self-help books, the sheer number of cheesy acronyms and long-winded exercises don't get me on. But despite these, that's a go-to book to anyone seeking to improve his or her marriage.

[Ayacalypso · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm only in chapter 2 so far, but I just have a feeling this book will be amazing for me after a very good therapist friend recommended I read it and work honestly through the worksheets found on the author's website in order to reflect upon my failed marriages and other past relationships. I love the idea of doing something pro-active to learn how to improve my future relationship.

Chapter 6: everyone's a control freak! (yes, even me, although I am still considering how I am controlling, while still be passive.

[Daniel Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

The irony of the two and a half years I've spent working through this book is that I started reading it while in one long-term relationship, and I've finished reading it while in another. What makes this book helpful is that it's not about the theory of what makes relationships work. 'ACT with Love' starts with the premise that the best thing in a relationship is to do what's helpful for the relationship, rather than who is right or wrong. It's filled with lots of helpful worksheets to make it easy to do the exercises and experience change in your relationship.

[Cadmium Candy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found this book quite disappointing, not nearly as well thought out as his preceding books. To me it seemed like he'd based his advice on some kind of sit com stereotype of a dysfunctional couple. It's focus is quite narrow, it's not nearly as broadly applicable as his blurbs and introduction make out, it's only really suitable for people in a committed romantic relationship (not any other type of close relationship) and it's only useful for couples who have quite typical problems.

[Jasmina · Rating 5 out of 5]

OMG! After reading the first 3 chapters, I bought the ebook. It is helping me to think outside the box and to open my eyes to reality. So far, its a good book. I hope it helps.

[M · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vital for modern relationships. Honest talk about forgiveness and kindness between partners. Accurate to the ACT model but very accessible to people with little therapy background.

[Eliana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't get enough of this book. I love Dr. Harris' writing style. The thing I absolutely love about this book and the ACT approach is that the main focus is not so much on what our partner, or others, are doing that we perceive as wrong, but it constantly forces the reader to focus on one's own behaviors. It shifts the focus to what we are in control of, instead of on what our partner is doing, which is outside of our control. This approach removes our blind eye to our own contributions to negative cycles. This is not to make us a doormat, or accept poor treatment. It's quite the opposite; it reinforces a healthy way to stand up for ourselves that shows lots of self-respect and respect for our partner while staying consistent with who we are at the core.

This book gets you in touch with what kind of person and partner you want to be. It allows you to find ways to let your authentic self be expressed no matter the circumstances. Your circumstances don't dictate your actions, but your own values do; the problem with this is that many of us aren't even in touch with our core values because we live in a reactive, auto pilot state. To change this auto pilot response, we need to become more skilled at being mindful of our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and even experiences without trying to change or resist them, but giving them the space they need with full acceptance and acknowledgment of them.

Since finding The Happiness Trap book by Dr. Harris, I've become a big fan of Acceptance and Commitment therapy. Through it, one stays consistent with one's character even during the most difficult moments. Easier said than done.

This book has taught me the power of breathing, especially during arguments, giving room to my feelings, acknowledging my thoughts, and learning to observe instead of react. And best of all, it gave me a deeper understanding of what LOVE really is and that we don't have to wait until we feel love to act with love.

A word of caution: this book is only recommended for people who are in somewhat healthy relationships. I would not recommend this book to someone who's dealing with a partner who has a personality disorder or is being physically or emotionally abused. In those cases, I recommend seeking help immediately.

[Rossella · Rating 4 out of 5]

L'efficace e sintetico titolo originale di questo libro è ACT with LOVE.
È composto da due acronimi: ACT sta per Acceptance and commitment therapy; una forma di psicoterapia che presenta una strategia per riparare, approfondire e rendere vitale un rapporto amoroso seguendo e incrementando LOVE, ovvero le nostre capacità di lasciar andare i pensieri inutili (letting go), di aprirsi e fare spazio ai sentimenti negativi (opening up), di riconoscere e affermare i propri valori (valuing), e di impegnarsi attivamente nel perseguire ciò che funziona per la nostra relazione (engaging).
Accostati, letteralmente, essi formano il bel principio dell' "agire con amore": il positivo suggerimento, al fine di coltivare il benessere psico-fisico di ciascuno all'interno della coppia, di smettere di cercare di dominare i propri mutevoli stati d'animo e di rifiutare le sensazioni dolorose e di concentrarsi invece per prendere il controllo delle proprie azioni, praticando accettazione e consapevolezza, verso di sé e verso il proprio partner. È utile a comprendere come l'amore sincero e duraturo non sia soltanto un sentimento, ma prima di tutto un comportamento, e quindi un atto di volontà, il più importante, pieno e soddisfacente che possiamo rivolgere a un'altra persona.
Essendo un manuale di auto-aiuto di scuola statunitense, la spiegazione dei vari passaggi del lavoro è piuttosto lineare e ripetitiva. La traduzione italiana è sciattissima: a partire dal pessimo titolo, non rende questa semplicità ma banalizza tutti i concetti.

[S · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for couples who wish to get married. The bulk of the book looks at these topics:

"How to stop acting in ways that make your relationship worse.
How to clarify and act on your values and to be more like the partner you ideally want to be
How to accept what is out of your control
How to effectively handle the painful feelings and stressful thoughts that inevitably occur in every relationship."

It delivers on what it promises, and how! Written in a very accessible fashion, with plenty of humour and personal anecdotes, as well as with helpful exercises in every chapter that one can do by themselves or with a willing partner, it can completely transform a relationship. I have benefited from it quite a lot personally in the last few months, and look forward to recommending it to more of my clients.

For new ACT couple therapists looking for exercises to do in the session or give as homework, and for people struggling in a committed relationship, it would be equally useful. Easily one of the best Acceptance and Commitment Therapy books I have read so far.

[Jake · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved the idea of this book (ironic since Russ attempts to dispel our inclination to love the idea of our partner and espouses taking a more values-consistent, gratitude-based approach toward honoring them) but when eyes hit the text, I didn't care much for his writing style. Russ gives too many examples, so much so that it detracts from his main message. Sure, I've never claimed to have the most proficient working memory but there were a lot of points throughout the book I thought to myself "get on with the solution, I get this applies to nearly all difficult thoughts/feelings/situations". Nonetheless, is this book helpful for someone who is struggling with their partner? Yes. Do I recommend reading this if you are an ACT practitioner and want to see ACT principles applied to romantic relationships? No.

[EKATERINA · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recently got into ACT and I was interested in the approach when it comes to relationships. It is quite a complex topic and I'm not sure that ACT may be a panacea for our well-being in relationships. On one hand, I really believe that applying the efficiency concept, acting according to your values, and focusing on being the kind of partner you want to be will make a huge difference in one's life.
However, I see that following these principles may create a risk of unlearning to trust your gut or even falling into denial (if something really dysfunctional is going on). Maybe my concerns will be solved when revisiting the book later.

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book applies Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to relationships (not necessarily only romantic ones, but also friendships). It uses the principles of ACT without explaining the theoretical background which works very well in this case. This makes the book very practical.
I liked the various exercises included. The short chapters focused around specific issues make the book a good reference for later on.

All in all, everyone looking to improve their relationships can benefit from this book. It can also give you some ideas as a therapist working with couples or clients who want to improve their relationships.

[Laura Black Reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

This new version of ACT with Love is fantastic. All the good stuff from Russ Harris with his humility and good sense. Showing us how everything is a decision - staying, going, trying, blaming, it's all a decision. There's so much useful information here, ways to frame thinking and behaviours to make them helpful - the difference between influence and manipulation (and where this fits with control) is a great section. Actually it's all great. It's probably great whether or not you are in a relationship as the first thing we need to learn is to honour ourselves.

Put simply, this book is essential. Five stars!

[Sian · Rating 3 out of 5]

all i can say about this one is, some guy on reddit suggested it as a 75hard book and said he felt like it was a good read for anyone in a relationship who wanted to improve communication. and i thought hey i need to read more non-fiction and also i could always be better at communicating!

but idk yall this book seemed pretty aimed exclusively at straight couples who cant fucking stand each other. i mean yes, there were nuggets i found useful but as someone who is in a healthy and consistently stable relationship it just made me feel blessed that we dont fight lol

[Laurence Brockman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! ACT has a solid foundation in research and the way this book is presented has helped me really look at how I approach my own relationships. The exercises in this book are great and I can see myself coming back to this book over and over each year as a refresher.

I'm not a big fan of self help books, but the research behind ACT convinced me to give this book a shot and it was well worth it.

[Agne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked it up randomly on someone else's shelf and was unexpectedly pleased with the whole experience. This is definitely a good manual to re-read every once in a while. Short enough, relatable enough, reasonable enough. Focused on romance, but applicable to other relationships as well.

“The feeling of love comes and goes on a whim; you can't control it. But the action of love is something you can do, regardless of how you are feeling.”