Dear Bi Men: A Black Man's Perspective on Power, Consent, Breaking Down Binaries, and Combating Erasure

by J.R. Yussuf

An unapologetic guide for readers who are Black, masc, and bi—unlearning biphobia, coming out, combatting erasure, and embodying your whole self

Through cutting social analysis, personal stories, and need-to-know advice, Dear Bi Men reclaims bi+ visibility in a culture of erasure—and unapologetically centers Blackness in a practical and deeply researched guide to navigating life, work, and relationships as a Black bi+ man.

Popular representation of bi and pansexual men is growing, but we’re not there It’s mostly white. It collapses bisexual identity into tired, hypersexualized tropes. And it fails to interrogate the deeply entrenched stereotypes that You’re confused. You just don’t know you’re gay. You’re greedy. You must be great in bed.

Author, peer counselor, and creator of #bisexualmenspeak J.R. Yussuf pushes back against these stigmas and misconceptions, exploring how white supremacy reinforces biphobia and dictates what society thinks it means to “be a man.” He contextualizes discourse around queerness and bisexuality within a larger framework that honors readers’ intersecting identities. And he offers deeply practical advice, sharing how


Rich with personal narratives, insightful analysis, and practical advice, this book is a powerful resource for Black bi+ men to reclaim their identity, counter biphobia, and get empowered—and an offering to all readers looking to fight back against the erasure and dehumanization wrought by patriarchy.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer, Sexuality, Race, Social Justice, Audiobook

320 pages, Paperback

Published April 16, 2024

Reviews

[Rach Reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley for this reading request.

I’m not a big non-fiction fan but this book had me hooked. It deals with how bisexual black males live and how to deal with internalised biphobia/homophobia. It was such an interesting read on how to get through through life and how he has gone through his life and the statistics and advice was incredible!! Amazing

[elstaffe]

Pull quotes/notes
"TRIBAL GASLIGHTING
Here are some ways to confront and heal from tribal gaslighting from Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and narcissism expert:
• The greatest tribal gaslighting repellent is someone from the outside validating your reality.
To be more gaslighting resistant, you have to be willing to hold onto your own reality and resolve: 'This is what I believe.'
• Step back from conversations and reshape relationships you've got, or even step away from them. You don't have to say it out loud because there's no point in engaging a person denying your reality. This person is not at a place in their life for whatever reason to be able to hold your reality alongside theirs. This isn't a healthy space for you." (141-142) true, but this is also how people end up in echo chambers of conspiracy (including the validation)

"I've talked about the ways therapy is not automatically a good place for bisexual+ men, or Black people in general; at the same time I find this to be a tricky thing to talk about because therapy has helped me immensely. It has helped me heal some deep wounds, develop the necessary tools to survive, and work up the courage to advocate for myself, while also feeding me flawed dreams that the country is improving incrementally because of Democrats who are 'on the right side?' It legitimizes white supremacy, which has created and exacerbates many of the local and global circumstances that have made it necessary for me to seek out therapy in the first place. For a long time, this fostered a desire to cling to neoliberalism for comfort and eventual salvation. And because of this, Western talk therapy that upholds white supremacy must go.
I do not want to make therapy better with my user experience. I do not want to spend another second invested in reforming something so violent, so unconscionable, so depraved. I may use it for now, but I must also remember that it, along with every other oppressive system, must go when the time comes." (164-165) why on earth would your therapist be telling you things are getting better because of political parties? Weird therapy topic

"As men and masculine-identified people, we aren't always warned about our boundaries being violated, experiencing sexual violence, or that us offering enthusiastic consent matters too. That's an injustice because these things do matter, and our boundaries being crossed or infringed on is a common problem, especially when people know you're bisexual, especially when you're not white, especially when you're fat, especially when you're disabled. Pay attention to the signs that often reveal themselves prior to a physical or sexual boundary being crossed.
Some signs are people making assumptions about people who are not wearing many clothes or are sexually active, not prioritizing others® bodily autonomy and comfort in everyday interactions, and someone asking over and over again for something or trying to guilt others into doing something. More subtle signs are people bulldozing over others in conversations, failing to respect people's humanity when they think no one is watching, and how they treat people who they think of as beneath them. Consent is about asking someone before taking an action that will impact them. Imperialist white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy requires violence and coercion, so deeply understanding power imbalances and living with a consent-based politic is both counterculture and a requirement of dismantling." (180)


"When we are unaware of our individual personality needs and the ways identifiers meet our personality needs, we can feel as though identifiers are who we are, and we can tether ourselves to them as though they are keeping us alive. When these identifiers are called into question or critiqued, it can feel like an assault on our being, like we are facing attack, and our mortal safety is in danger because we've identified our sense of self with the things that get our needs met rather than the needs themselves. When we have an awareness of our personality needs, we can get creative about how we can meet these needs in various forms, not be tethered to identifiers to a self-effacing degree" (227)

"Can we reconsider human sexuality actually being predominantly situated along the bisexual + spectrum, with only a small percentage existing at polar opposites, instead of heterosexuality being the predominant human sexuality? Can we look at all the ways attraction begins and ends, and how it's not always about penetrative sex but often about close-ness, admiration, familiarity, resolution, and trait variety?" (246) resolution?

"In many bisexual+ communities people live with mental illness or chronic pain, are neurodivergent, live in poverty, are abuse survivors, are sexual assault survivors, have poor boundaries, are abusive, are predatory, and so on.
Because these things shape people's reality and the way they communicate with the world around them, trauma and dysfunctional communication often become commonplace. How do we thrive and heal as a bisexual+ community— and more widely as the LGBTQ+ community-if so many of us are living with unaddressed trauma and in turn are in a perpetual state of retraumatizing ourselves and traumatizing one another?
THINGS TO CONSIDER
This question might be unqualified pathological bullshit that is unfair, banally pessimistic, and may not apply to your life or experience whatsoever." (249) ah, so he sees it
"When you talk about queer nightlife, a lot of it is about exploring sexuality, trying to take some of the stigma away from it, and acknowledging that we're all human beings with varying sex drives, and there's nothing wrong with desiring men sexually." (256-257) because so much of this book is applicable to all genders and orientations, this statement (which is very much back to talking to bi men) got me off guard. "We can all agree that all queer folks need to acknowledge for themselves that it's ok for them to desire men sexually, because clearly this is universal for everyone in this group"

[Ronnie Gottilla · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read more as a memoir strongly focusing on the author’s experiences and did not focus on the broader bi male perspective as I was expecting. It was definitely more of a biased lenses and was hoping for more synthesis. Disappointed that the spirituality chapter was so short and only centered the author’s experience with Christianity despite the misleading title of “spirituality”.

[MuffinMan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Content warnings for discussions of rape culture, racism, biphobia, homophobia, sex work, HIV/AIDS, and Christianity.

I enjoyed J.R. Yussuf's discussion of bisexuality/biphobia and racism, and particularly masculinity. I've been looking for a book about masculinity from a feminist man's perspective, and was delightfully surprised to find it here. As a younger queer, I also was grateful for the historical context around demonization of bi men, and particularly bi Black men, during the height of the AIDS epidemic.

However, the editing of this book is atrocious. On the micro level, there are sentences that make no grammatical sense, simply stop mid-thought, or clearly mean the opposite of what the author intended. (For example, there will be a large number of similar sentences advocating standing up to discrimination, and one of them will actually advocate for discrimination.) J.R. Yussuf veers between first and second person without much of a plan. There are many long quotes, and while some of them are great and put in context, at times it feels like the author is abdicating the responsibility of writing and may not even fully understand the quote. This makes it difficult to understand what J.R. Yussuf is trying to say.

On a macro level, there are tangents in the middle of sections that deserve their own section and the ordering of the sections themselves could be improved. The poor editing at times also shows a lack of concern for marginalized identities other than the author's own. Mentions of marginalized identities are thrown out at random, but the specific concerns of members of those groups are not taken into account. J.R. Yussuf mentions that fatphobia is generically bad in a few places, but does not talk much about fatphobia in his discussion of wellness culture. He mentions that transphobia is bad, but does not address any of the concerns specific to trans men. I don't have a problem with an author omitting discussion of topics they are less familiar with - a book only has a finite number of pages and it's good for an author to be aware of their limitations - but mentioning these marginalized groups in passing without any attempt to consider their specific concerns feels performative.

There are plenty of things I disagree with in this book. While I won't give a complete list, as a trans man I'm particularly disappointed when cisgender queer men feel that the response to toxic masculinity is to obliterate masculinity altogether. It feels like an attempt to deny that 'man' is a gender, and, like all genders, it is not a choice.

[Ivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book taught me a lot on bisexuality and myself.

First I want to say it was very refreshing to have this book being extremely trans positive. As a trans person I have had troublesome interactions with the cis queer community and always get a bit afraid with cis queer books that they might end up being negative of trans people. This book however outright acknowledged us and took us into account. In the part with dating tips there is even a section about dating trans people that was perfect and spot on with the tips how to treat us. I haven't even seen such a good "how to date trans people" before yet and I was very happy to see that in this book.

This book obviously isn't about trans people at all and was not the focus in the slightest. The book focuses on a lot of different sides of bisexuality, the struggles it can bring and gives many great self help tips for that. There is a chapter about unlearning biphobia and I learned a lot about that. It spoke about how sometimes people hide they are bi by saying they're just gay or instead straight. And oh boy was I called out by that. Then continuing the book showing that bisexuality is a spectrum and leaning heavily to one gender is totally valid to be bisexual, really made me think on my own identity. I usually say I am gay, not bi, even though I'm also into women. I don't think I made the choice for doing that very conciously, but a part of "not being bi enough" definitely had a play in it when I looked deeper at my feelings. Since then I have been changing the way I identify more to a proud bisexual than gay hiding it away. And to be honest it has felt great and I am grateful this book brought me that.

The book also talks a lot about the authors life and the intersectionality of being bisexual and a black man. The self help parts were less relevant to me as a white bisexual man, but I learned a lot from the experiences the author shared and I feel like my understanding of that perspective of life is better now than it was before. I fully believe that the self help parts here are useful too, but for that I would recommend checking out another reviewer who's black on their opinion if you want to know more about that.

Concluding I learned a lot about this book and I am sure that other bisexual men will as well.
I received an eARC and this was my honest review.

[Elizabeth Sanders · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yussuf's work combines lived experience, critical analysis, and practical advice into a thought provoking book. He masterfully combines frankness with sensitivity, not only to others but also to his past self. I appreciated his insights into how many intersections exist within the bi+ community, including the societal level (e.g., white supremacy, heteronormative) and personal level (e.g., within the LGBTQ+ community, with potential platonic, romantic, and sexual relationships). His examples and arguments were well structured and often made me pause to absorb some of the points and look up the references to learn more. I consider a text that helps readers engage with it on that level highly successful.

I feel the book has some minor weaknesses. While I appreciated the lengthy list of sources and resources at the end of each chapter, there were often statistics or other facts listed without specifying from which source they originated. In-text citations wouldn't have disrupted the narrative flow and been helpful. I also felt certain chapters were more interesting and insightful than others; however, I acknowledge that opinion may be due to me not being the target audience for the book.

Overall, I found this book excellent in exploring bisexuality in masculine identifying people and learned much. I think others will likewise find it engaging and useful.

[Your Local Bibrarian · Rating 3 out of 5]

A decent primer on the issues bi+ men might encounter. While some sections were excellent, there were many times I wished Yussuf would go into more depth about something I was interested in. For example, he would often say that different things are rooted in white supremacy or patriarchy, but wouldn’t explain how. I found the most value in the passages where Yussuf talked about his own life experiences. I would probably enjoy a memoir by him. I think many of the points he wanted to emphasize would have been equally or more impactful in this format.

I was really looking forward to the chapter about spirituality, so I was surprised that it was only a few pages long and only discussed Yussef’s experiences with Christianity. I agree with what he had to say about Christianity, but ignoring all other spiritual practices in a chapter called “Bisexuality and Spirituality” is a huge oversight. This almost brought my rating down another star. Even within the discussion of Christianity, Yussuf didn’t offer anything for bi+ people who are Christian or have complex relationships with Christianity. This is a large part of why I think this book should have been a memoir. Yussuf has gained a lot of wisdom through is life experiences, but the areas of this book that are outside of those experiences are often lacking.

[Richard Derus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rating: 5* of five

The Publisher Says: An unapologetic guide for readers who are Black, masc, and bi—unlearning biphobia, coming out, combatting erasure, and embodying your whole self

Through cutting social analysis, personal stories, and need-to-know advice, Dear Bi Men reclaims bi+ visibility in a culture of erasure—and unapologetically centers Blackness in a practical and deeply researched guide to navigating life, work, and relationships as a Black bi+ man.

Popular representation of bi and pansexual men is growing, but we’re not there It’s mostly white. It collapses bisexual identity into tired, hypersexualized tropes. And it fails to interrogate the deeply entrenched stereotypes that You’re confused. You just don’t know you’re gay. You’re greedy. You must be great in bed.

Author, peer counselor, and creator of #bisexualmenspeak J.R. Yussuf pushes back against these stigmas and misconceptions, exploring how white supremacy reinforces biphobia and dictates what society thinks it means to “be a man.” He contextualizes discourse around queerness and bisexuality within a larger framework that honors readers’ intersecting identities. And he offers deeply practical advice, sharing how to:

Unlearn internalized biphobia and homophobia
Navigate an increasingly hostile digital landscape
Think about coming out: who to tell, why to tell them, and how to do it
Fight back against erasure and stigma
Navigate sex, dating, partnerships, marriage, friendship, and work
Understand your bi+ sexuality through a political lens
Process Black bi+ representation
Rich with personal narratives, insightful analysis, and practical advice, this book is a powerful resource for Black bi+ men to reclaim their identity, counter biphobia, and get empowered—and an offering to all readers looking to fight back against the erasure and dehumanization wrought by patriarchy.

I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.

My Review: Remember the giant internet kerfuffle that ended up in Kit Connor, of Heartstopper fame, being forced to come out as bi, or be outed? He was really young at the time, but he also stood on a giant mountain of white privilege.

Now imagine all that intrusive noisy chatter, all that nasty probing questioning of your sincerity, your motives, your sense of yourself suddenly, unpleasantly open for free debate...while in the hole that anti-Black racism carries in its shot pouch. Add in a hefty amount of religious, cultural, gendered homophobia.

Man needs help. Here it is.

A lot of what Author Yussuf says is applicable to other bi men in the process of figuring out what to say, to do, to present to the world; but the added levels of Black support, uniquely insightful areas of discourse tied in with the author's long experience among Black bisexual men from an insider's PoV, and this resource is definitely uniquely valuable to those men. It does not, as a result, exclude other men.

There is no room for any of the -phobias in Author Yussuf's book. A thing I see A LOT in queer spaces is more, or less, polite transphobia directed at transmasc men. It gets the same treatment in here as other Othered identities: "you're good, come in and let's talk, what's eatin' away at you?" Author Yussuf genuinely presents all maleness with guidance on inner and outer self-presentation. Because in the end that's also self-preservation. A strong core belief in one's worth and identity as good and capable of offering and receiving good, healthy interactions predicts success in life lived inside heteronormative society.

It's hard for me not to say this is a great gift for every male, regardless of sexual identity. I can't tell you what to do about your giftees, but for any but the most removed from self-reflective spheres of influence, this is no bad idea for Yule.

[Brittany]

disclaimer: I don’t really give starred reviews. I hope my reviews provide enough information to let you know if a book is for you or not. Find me here: https://linktr.ee/bookishmillennial

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for an ARC. I am providing an honest review of my own accord <3

Wow, I really enjoyed this book - it served as part memoir, part guidebook for (mostly) cis, bi men, and part commentary on bi erasure, representation and messaging from the dominant narratives. Though it does feel like Yussuf is speaking directly to cis bi men at times, it didn't deter me from gleaning takeaways from the book as a whole, and I was still interested in learning the information or reflecting on how I can be a better ally to Black bi men specifically.

J.R. Yussuf's upbringing was interesting, as he shared that his parents are from Nigeria, and he was raised in a Catholic household, and he spent much of his life unlearning the stigma of being queer/bi. He discusses his own internalized biphobia, homophobia, and how he chooses to be gentle with himself in his healing journey.

Yussuf also gives advice on coming out: who to tell, why to tell them (because you aren't required to, and your safety is of utmost importance, which is not a privilege everyone has), and how to do it. I felt this was such a tender and compassionate approach and invitation, as Yussuf constantly validated the need or preference to go any particular route.

Yussuf discusses so much in this book! I highlighted damn near every other page!!! He goes over the harmful messaging of the "down low" bisexual man, the erasure and exclusion of bisexual men both in and out of the community, the biphobia within dating and partnerships, and the lack of authentic and intentional bisexual male representation in media. One example that stood out to me was the "Striking Vipers" episode of Black Mirror, in which the two men who explore sexuality within a virtual reality game end up sleeping together once a year inside the game. I viscerally remember watching that episode and feeling so glad to see Black male queerness explored on a show as big as Black Mirror. However, as I reflect on what Yussuf discusses as further perpetuating that harmful narrative of the "down low" bisexual man, I can't help but see the way this episode failed Black bisexual men. That's just one example of Yussuf dropping the mic! Ahhhh.

Regarding exploring sexuality and fantasies or feeling out desires, Yussuf discusses how to ethically consume pornography (paying directly to the creator, like on OnlyFans rather than big name porn websites!), which was a great reminder and I appreciate sex work being brought up in a kind and respectful light!

There was so much more that forced me to ruminate, but I just highly recommend everyone read this!

Content Warnings
Graphic: Sexual content, Acephobia/Arophobia, Racism, Religious bigotry, Transphobia, Sexism, Misogyny, and Biphobia
Minor: Deadnaming, Domestic abuse, and Gaslighting

[Ailey | Bisexual Bookshelf · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you so much to the publisher for the gifted ARC!

In Dear Bi Men, J.R. Yussuf undertakes a vital exploration of the complex intersection of biphobia, race, and masculinity. With incisive analysis and reflective personal narratives, Yussuf expertly dismantles stereotypes surrounding bisexuality, particularly within the context of Black identity. The book serves as a beacon of visibility in a landscape often marred by bi-erasure and misconception.

Yussuf delves into the various roots and manifestations of contemporary biphobia, revealing its many origins in the HIV/AIDS epidemic and the impact that’s had on today’s conceptions and stigmas. Through a lens of anti-patriarchy and anti-racism, Yussuf reveals the dual struggle faced by bisexual people in unlearning both homophobia and biphobia. While the book speaks directly to bi men at times, the insights provided are universally enlightening, offering valuable lessons for all readers.

One of the Dear Bi Men’s strengths lies in its radical inclusivity, reflecting Yussuf’s commitment to collective liberation and encouraging the same from readers. Despite its focus on bisexual masculinity, Yussuf extends his analysis to acephobia, femmephobia, and transphobia, never failing to employ gender-inclusive language. However, at times, the book's structure may feel somewhat disjointed, with intermittent questions and reflections disrupting the flow of the book’s investigation.

Nevertheless, Yussuf’s exploration of biphobia is both comprehensive and compassionate, shedding light on its multifaceted manifestations and impacts. Dear Bi Men deftly addresses the intersection of biphobia with cisnormativity and challenges various STI stigmas perpetuated by bias and stigma. The book also delves into the complexities of power dynamics and consent, advocating for self-acceptance and empowerment as catalysts for collective liberation. Yussuf’s call for accountability and growth resonates throughout the text, urging readers to confront and rectify past harm while striving for a more equitable future.

In conclusion, Dear Bi Men is a groundbreaking work that offers profound insights into bisexuality, racism, and the complexities of masculinity. Regardless of sexual orientation, readers will find invaluable wisdom and practical guidance within its pages, making it essential reading for anyone committed to fostering inclusivity and equity in today’s world.

📖 Recommended For: Advocates of LGBTQ+ Liberation, Supporters of Bisexual Visibility, Admirers of Intersectional Analysis, Fans of Sherronda J. Brown, Da'Shaun L. Harrison, and Audre Lorde.

🔑 Key Themes: Bisexual Resilience, Intersectional Identity, Biphobia and Racism, Building Community and Solidarity, Resistance Against Oppression, Embracing Authenticity and Self-Acceptance.

[B.S. Casey · Rating 4 out of 5]

First things first, although I’m around a 4 on the Kinsey Scale myself — it’s important to recognise this book wasn’t ‘for’ me, so my opinions of it don’t particularly matter but I still encourage you to always read things from other perspectives because it’s always an amazing learning experience.

This book not only gave me a little more understanding and insight into life as a bisexual man, particularly those of colour, but actually had some really useful advice for any queer person about dealing with internal biphobia on top of the external rampant biphobia that is pushed further by systemic racism and misogyny - after all, how many times has someone told an LGBTQ+ guy to “be a man” because they’re not following the socially accepted playbook on masculinity or assumed they’re actually just gay?

The author was a brilliant storyteller; creating an excellent flow, with a conversational but informative tone that was easy to follow. He took us through his younger years and growing up at a time with stigma and bisexual erasure on top of everything else, about bisexual history and the societal stigma and fundamental misunderstandings about what bisexuality is - all told through a mix personal anecdotes, historical and social context, his own thoughts and advice to others who may be going through the same things and offering prompts for your own self-reflection and learning.

For someone looking to know more and understand the bisexual experience, read this. For someone wondering about their own bisexual experience, read this. And for a bisexual person looking for a little bit of connection and catharsis, read this. Just read this book.

[NICODESO · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received the book from NetGalley in exchange of an honest review. While the book at its core deals with the masc, bisexual male experience, it grapples with broader themes such as imperialist, white-supremacist, capitalist, cis-hetero patriarchy, and phallocentric cultures.

Author J. R. Yussuf offers a searing commentary on the lives of bisexual men who are often shunned/mistrusted by straight women they date and even members of the LGBTQ+ community. Gay males frequently accuse bisexual men who date women of being secretly gay but enjoying the benefits of a socially accepted relationship.

It is interesting when Yussuf says he describes himself to new people as just 'bi' and drops the "sexual" part to avoid invasive and inappropriate questions. In fact, some bisexual men will entirely disown the label to avoid non-consensual touch and flirting. Yussuf dispels long-held myths such as bi men are promiscuous, hypersexual, and equally attracted to both sexes. Contrary to the "bad bi" trope, bi virgins do exist, and many have dated just one gender. Conversely, it isn't true that bisexual men are automatically less misogynistic or inherently revolutionary.

The author makes an important point about labels- while they make many people feel boxed in, labels make others feel seen and validated, less alone. He also touches upon the fetishization of bisexual women who are assumed to be open to threesomes proposed by cis-hetero males.

I would have given the book a 5* rating if it had undergone a tight and crisp edit. Still, it was an interesting read and a lot of research has gone into it. There is a lot of vulnerability and mindfulness without coming off as preachy.

[Cass · Rating 2 out of 5]

"And shout out to the bi's, you ain't gotta pick a side (nope)" -- Cupcakke, "LGBT"
Way more self-help content than I was expecting (and I avoid self-help like the plague). So many self-plugs for his social media, for his website, for his book, for his whatever. Reads like the average Tumblr post or Twitter thread, ie unnuanced and preachy. Definitely needed a better editor -- so much repetition, terms most people don't know not being defined, and terms being defined after they've already been used a hundred times. Still, Yussuf does a decent job of examining the very silenced perspective of bi men and how that intersection can be a site of progressive action.
I have the mention the section of the book where Yussuf goes on for quite some time describing bi men in TV shows/movies, and at the end of detailing those fictional men's struggles, says "That sounds really tough." Like... uhh... you know those men aren't real, right? Even if you want to approach this from the angle of these fictional experiences reflecting real ones, it (to me, at least) comes off as patronizing and rote. I hope that isn't how Yussuf responds in real life when people tell them their woes. You need to customize your response to what people say to show you are listening, and therefore, care. (I am seeing now why I dislike therapy and therapy-speak so much lmfao)

[Kernow Goldfinger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book came to me in A Capella books, Atlanta, during a time when I was far from home, questioning my sexuality utterly, and in dire need of understanding and compassion. As a masculine cis man, I have often struggled with how my queerness, gender expression and sexual behaviour relate, and this book simultaneously spoke to all of these challenges and many more. This is an honest, engaging and no-nonsense manifesto for Bi men's role in the collective liberation of humanity, and I am certainly a disciple now.

With a clearly written and often conversational tone, this book doesn't flinch from the ways in which our intersection with systems of power can uniquely harm us, whilst enabling us to harm others. I have learned a lot from this book and continue to use it as a point of reference as I engage with myself and my relation to the world. Indeed, I have now re-appraised many of my old relationships (sexual and platonic) in light of this book. Imagine thinking it was ok for a friend of mine to say (not to me), when I was beginning to explore my sexuality, that this was a time when I'd "gone gay for the clout"? I now know so much better and feel like I understand myself so much more as a result.

[Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

(Before I get to my review, standing ovation to my local library system for maintaining a diverse collection for the community!👏😭)

Let me start off with the fact that, as a white bi woman, I am not the intended audience for this book, so please don't let me be the last word on whether or not you choose to read or recommend it.

This book is an absolute treasure trove of information and resources for bisexual men, especially black bisexual men, as well as an extremely valuable resource for anyone wanting to be better allies to them. It covers so much ground, from safe and consensual sex, dealing with religious trauma, examining your biases, etc., etc. I also really appreciate the importance he places on black feminist values and holding oneself accountable for the ways that bi men still benefit from and participate in misogyny, among other things. Yussuf's writing is confident, honest, and encouraging. I feel like I not only learned a lot, but I now have new avenues to explore to continue learning.

[auteaandtales · Rating 4 out of 5]

tThis is like a guidebook aimed towards Black, bisexual, masc people and I thought it was very well researched, with lots of information and resources. I am not Black, bisexual or masc but I still thought it was very helpful for the people in my life who do fit these descriptions.

I also liked how diverse it was and how many people the author included, as well as how kind the approach was to their readers. I know lots of people would appreciate that, too.

I would especially recommend this to those who are freshly out or have been out for a shorter time period, it includes lots of things about how to be safe, how to respect yourself and others, consent, etc.

Thank you to Netgalley and publishers for the review copy

[Patrice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Compelling! J.R. invited me to investigate where I land in a conversation important to a community that's constantly reminding others (and perhaps themselves) who they are. At first, I thought the book wasn't speaking directly to me, and then I found comfort in how J.R. spoke to the audience. The grace and space being given to Bi men felt accessible to anyone who allowed themselves to be called in by the conversations in the book. J.R.'s vulnerability through personal memoir, brilliance via well-researched context, and wisdom shared through insightful tools for the reader to take with them are ingredients for an impactful read of the Black bi man's experience.

[Anita Rao · Rating 4 out of 5]

A work read! The author calls this book an educational memoir- a term I haven’t heard before- and that’s exactly what this is! I enjoyed the concept of this a lot and like that more books are combining the personal story with the history, context and analysis WITH tangible models and suggestions for reflection. There were parts that were pretty dense, but overall I learned a lot, appreciated the author’s honesty, transparency and vulnerability and am glad this tool is out there!

[Kelsey ✮⋆˙ · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was so eye-opening and reaffirming in a lot of little ways, big ones too. loved learning from yussuf's perspective. reimagining bisexuality from a guilt-free idea of self, and even combating my own queer narratives about myself as a bi woman. i really felt i couldn't rate it anything less than a 5 ☆.

[Jacqueline Halle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely reads as more of a memoir but 4 ☆ with additional resources and links

[Robert Saint · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great read. It was representative of shared challenges, questions, and experiences of bi+ folks. It was very easy to get lost in the content. Very well written.

[Brian Candelori · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just very surface level material

[S.J. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a Netgalley ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Dear Bi Men: A Black Man's Perspective on Power, Consent, Breaking Down Binaries, and Combating Erasure by J.R. Yussuf tries to do a lot of things in just under 300 pages- and I feel it strongly succeeds at its overall goal of being an unapologetic guidebook. This book should be a must-read for all bisexuals.

Although above all, the book is primarily a guidebook for readers who are Black, masc, and bi, a lot of the book is advice that is directly applicable to me as an individual white, nonbinary, bi, and this booked helped me understand some of the specific problems faced by Black bi men.

This book covers a lot of ground- from the author's personal experiences with his sexuality; advice and critiques about therapy (as well as tips for finding a good therapist); bisexual erasure; perspectives on masculinity, racism, queer theory, Christianity, dating, and physical intimacy. I liked how thorough the book is about citing it's sources and raising questions.