The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans

by Aliza Pressman

Let go of perfect and become a transformative, positive influence in a child’s life while creating your own definition of success from developmental psychologist and podcaster Dr. Aliza Pressman.

“My go-to for how we all, including ourselves, raise good humans! ” —Drew Barrymore

In the age of high-pressure parenting, when so many of us we feel like we’ve got to get everything exactly right the first time, Dr. Aliza Pressman is the compassionate, reassuring expert we all need—and the one whose advice we can all use. Already beloved by listeners of hit podcast, Raising Good Humans , Dr. Pressman distills it all with a handful of strategies every parent can use to get things right often enough : Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair.

The 5 Principles of Parenting doesn’t presume to tell you how to parent with “my way is right” advice because the science is There’s no one “right” way to raise good humans. No matter how you were raised, how your coparent behaves, or how your kids have been parented up until now, you can start using The 5 Principles of Parenting to chart a manageable course for raising good humans that’s aligned with your own values and with your children’s unique temperaments. Whether you're in the trenches with a toddler or a tween (because spoiler the tantrums of childhood mirror of the tantrums of adolescence), it’s never too late to learn to use these 5 principles to reparent yourself and help your kids build the resilience they need to thrive. Through practice and normalizing imperfection, along the way you’ll discover the person you’re ultimately raising is yourself . By becoming more intentional people, we become better parents. By becoming better parents, we become better people. Let’s get started.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Self Help, Family, Psychology, Childrens

368 pages, Hardcover

Published January 23, 2024

Reviews

[CaseyTheCanadianLesbrarian]

There is some useful information in here, but it is certainly not a book meant to be read over a three-week loan period from the library. About 40 pages in, I feel like the "real" content has yet to start and it's still introducing itself. The organization is terrible, with frequent allusions to concepts then a side note that it will be discussed in more detail later and everything as far as I read felt like it wasn't detailed enough. I think it might be more useful as an owned book to refer to and read very slowly, but I don't know if I actually like it enough to buy it, especially in hard cover. Maybe this content is better distilled in podcast form, which is what it is adapted from.

[Sarah Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is SUPER acronym-heavy in a way that interfered with my reading experience. Because I’ve listened to her podcast and read other parenting books and followed other parenting accounts on Instagram with similar philosophies, there wasn’t much new for me here and it felt basic. But, I enjoy thinking about parenting and it’s always good to reinforce concepts.

[Joey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay first of all to my dearest 6 Goodreads friends, no we are not yet expecting. But as those conversations begin to unfold, I’m finding myself wanting a deeper understanding of what it means to be a good parent and, in so doing, a better life partner.

Dr. Pressman was a good introduction to this journey of becoming those things. I appreciate her recognition of the nuisances of parenthood, especially as our children mature, as well as her liberating reminder that yes, I too am indeed going to mess up.

Sometimes I found her examples to be a bit forced, her repeated BALANCE checklist belaboured, and her guided reflections quite unnecessary; but nevertheless this was a wonderful book to better prepare myself for this next great unknown.

[Markie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Title: "The 5 Principles of Parenting" by Aliza Pressman - A Compassionate Guide to Raising Good Humans

Introduction:
In this comprehensive book review, we explore "The 5 Principles of Parenting" by Dr. Aliza Pressman, a developmental psychologist and podcaster. Dr. Pressman offers a compassionate and reassuring approach to parenting in an age marked by high-pressure expectations. As a parent who values insightful book reviews, you'll find this guide to be a valuable resource for navigating the complexities of raising children in today's world.

Synopsis:
In a world where parents often feel the weight of societal pressures and the need to get everything "perfect" from the very beginning, Dr. Aliza Pressman steps in as a compassionate and knowledgeable guide. Her advice is distilled into five core principles that every parent can incorporate into their parenting journey: Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair.

"The 5 Principles of Parenting" doesn't adhere to a one-size-fits-all approach, recognizing that there's no single "right" way to raise good humans. Instead, Dr. Pressman encourages parents to embrace these principles while aligning them with their own values and their children's unique temperaments. Whether you're dealing with the challenges of toddlerhood or adolescence, these principles offer a manageable and adaptable framework for nurturing resilient children.

Dr. Pressman emphasizes the importance of practice and acknowledges that imperfection is a natural part of the parenting journey. Through these principles, parents can not only support their children's growth but also engage in a process of self-discovery and personal growth.

Key Elements:

1. **Compassionate Parenting**: Dr. Aliza Pressman's approach is marked by compassion and reassurance, offering parents a supportive and empathetic perspective on the challenges of raising children.

2. **Flexible Framework**: The book provides a flexible framework that allows parents to adapt the principles to their own family dynamics, values, and their children's unique personalities.

3. **Lifelong Learning**: "The 5 Principles of Parenting" recognizes that parenting is an ongoing journey of learning and growth, both for children and parents themselves.

4. **Resilience-Building**: The principles are designed to help parents foster resilience in their children, preparing them to thrive in an ever-changing world.

Social Media and Blogging Potential:

As someone who enjoys creating content for social media and blogging, "The 5 Principles of Parenting" offers numerous opportunities for engaging and informative content:

1. **Practical Tips**: Share practical tips and insights from the book on your social media platforms and blog. Offer examples of how these principles can be applied in real-life parenting situations.

2. **Parenting Stories**: Encourage your audience to share their own parenting stories and experiences, emphasizing the importance of embracing imperfection and growth.

3. **Author Interview**: If possible, consider reaching out to Dr. Aliza Pressman for an interview or feature on your blog or social media platforms. Explore her motivations for writing the book and her vision for compassionate parenting.

4. **Discussion Series**: Start a series of blog posts or social media discussions on each of the five principles, encouraging your audience to reflect on their parenting journey and share their insights.

Conclusion:

"The 5 Principles of Parenting" by Aliza Pressman is a compassionate and essential guide for parents seeking to navigate the complexities of raising good humans in a world filled with high expectations. As a dedicated book reviewer and content creator, you have the opportunity to introduce this invaluable resource to your audience and foster discussions about the importance of compassionate parenting and personal growth. This book not only provides guidance for nurturing resilient children but also encourages parents to embark on a journey of self-discovery and improvement. It is an excellent choice for your next book review and content creation endeavors.

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took just a bit for me to get used to the flow of this book. I felt overwhelmed with short sections, several acronyms, and multiple key questions in every chapter. But, once she introduced the BALANCE approach, I found a lot of useful insight.

[Kirsten Chaisson · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️ I listened as an audiobook though this book would definitely be better to have a physical copy to reference over the years. Mixed feelings on the info but majority is helpful.

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this when the kids were younger. I had no idea how much of parenting would be about managing my own big feelings and parenting from a place of balance. All in all, this book made me feel better about how I've done so far, while also giving me some good ideas to take with me the rest of the way.

Edited to add: listened to this on Libby

[Yael · Rating 5 out of 5]

This really is the one parenting book I'd recommend if you only wanted to read one. I've been listening to Dr. Aliza's podcast for a while now and there are definite repetitions in this book but I don't see that as a problem. If anything, it's great because those are likely lessons I need repeated. I could see returning to this book in a few years once my kids are older and my parenting priorities have shifted. But her basic principles will remain.

[Heathersbookreview · Rating 5 out of 5]

Watch my full review here! https://youtu.be/WbB0_Jc_vqM
I cannot recommend this book enough. For every parent, or parent-to-be, this book helps with ALL stages of childhood, infants to teens, and I learned so many helpful tips. I listened to this book courtesy of Simon and Schuster audio and I will be re-listening as I value this book so much and I know I will want to reference certain parts in the future.

[Megan Cole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really appreciated that grounding yourself and breathing was the key behind everything. I’ll probably buy this so I can refer to it when needed (and also to remember the 10000 acronyms). The audiobook, read by the author, was great though! Especially when being guided through different exercises.

[Karalynn Royster · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this parenting book! Dr. Aliza delivers a compassionate, scientific, and helpful way to approach parenting.

[Alex Rohani · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just wish some of the sections were longer

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Honestly, I skimmed this one more than read every word... but I found it to have some very good points and suggestions and strategies.

[Janelle Payne · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best parenting / self help book I have ever read.

[Jeannine Jannot · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical, science-backed parenting advice across situations and ages.

[Sydney Dodge · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very helpful information but will probably be more useful when I have an actual child to parent. I should’ve gotten a baby book 🤣 I’ll definitely have this on hand when baby boy is older!

[Tyler Pack · Rating 3 out of 5]

Didn’t finish. Got very repetitive. Really liked the messaging around resilient kids borrowing stability from their parents when they need it. Overall seemed great but didn’t keep my interest before the library hold expired

[Jennie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good info but overstuffed with topics which made it feel overwhelming.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

ARC provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

Highlights were the chapters The Screen-Time Generation and Sex, Gender, and Sexuality. Phone introduction and contract in the Appendix were also excellent.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this new release because I have been listening to the author's podcast for years. She has some excellent parenting advice that I've been able to successfully put into practice with my kids. I do think that the book is better for parents with younger kids (mine are all teenagers) since a lot of her specific examples are for babies, toddlers and tweens. Still a good read though!

[Nat · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good (basic) advice, but a number of things don’t resonate with my parenting style. I appreciate that she’s trying to alleviate parenting guilt. But repeated attempts to discredit attachment parenting, paired with “do whatever you want, because it doesn’t really matter” (in regards to feeding, sleep, etc) fell flat for me. Her take on authoritative parenting was still too rules-based for me, and the expectation that kids *should* sleep through the night isn’t examined at all. While I love conclusions based on solid science, a lot of the “evidence” in the book is flimsy or skimmed over, and I’m very glad I’ve read so many other sources so I know what tracks and what doesn’t.

Probably some good basics if you haven’t read much self-help or parenting advice before. And I liked a couple of the games that were suggested for emotional support and development.

[Jennie Bak · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really met me where I am at in my parenting journey. I read so much about kid development, but not so much about the parental development that happens as parents. Felt valuable and almost like a counselling experience in a book. I felt seen and have already started to implement my learnings. I am already seeing a shift in my emotional regulation capabilities.

[Ruth · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book that’s just not for me, but everyone’s mileage will vary. To me it felt like, if you’ve had therapy as an adult, you don’t need this confusing jumble of acronyms. But if you haven’t worked through your own stuff and you know it’s interfering with your parenting, this is probably a gold mine.

[Aryn Bailey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am not a huge fan of parenting books.. but I really enjoyed this book. Dr. Aliza Pressman is very real and I learned a lot from her. I love how she says you might not use some of the information shared in this book because every family is different. Also- my daughter loves the magic elevator game.

[Chelsea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Memorable messages:

Trees exhale for us so that we can inhale them to stay alive. -Munia Khan

Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight.

BALANCE
Breathe
Acknowledge
Let it go
Assess
Notice
Connect
Engage

BAD
Breathe
Assess
Deal

It is okay to share your feelings with your children. In fact, it is better for your kids to know you have those feelings and that you know what you are going to do than for them to just notice that something is wrong and have to wonder.

All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.

Kids don’t need their feelings fixed; they just need to know that we love them through the whole range of feelings that they have, so that as they grow they can also grow their ability to handle those feelings well, handle them effectively, and handle them in a way that brings relief and does no harm.

The perfectionism monster is the part of our striving that beats us up if we don’t get things right on the first try and that may leave us so worried about messing up that we don’t even try. When we are steeped in perfectionism, we can’t enjoy all the things we actually do well.

Perfectionism is having unrealistically high expectations, coupled with overly critical self-evaluations.

The Frost Scale includes six dimensions of perfectionism:
Extreme concern about making mistakes
Super-high personal standard
The sense that your own parents expect a lot from you (whether it is objectively true or not)
The sense that your own parents are highly critical (again, it doesn’t matter whether they would agree)
A lot of doubt about whether you’ve done things “right”
An excessive preference for order and organization
An interesting test for yourself is to notice whether you are able to enjoy your achievements or if you keep raising the bar for yourself.

A powerful antidote to perfectionism is simply flipping the light onto it. You can say, to yourself or to your kids, “Wow, we are smart and we didn’t get that right. Good thing we are learning that smart people make mistakes – that is how we get smarter.”

Our job as parents is to help our children feel unconditionally loved so their self-esteem doesn’t rest on the splendor of their accomplishments.

The more our kids get to see us making mistakes and learning from them, the more they will come to understand that life isn’t about getting things right the first time. Disappointment is natural, but taking the fear out of failing means remembering that imperfect people are worthy of love. Imperfect people are successful. Imperfect people are, well, all of us. Imperfection makes us human.

Luck vs skill: both winning and losing are temporary, and certain abilities grow with time and effort. Some games are just based on luck.

Praise effort, not outcome. Turn losses into motivation to get better. Focus praise on improvement (including good sportsmanship) and strategies used, not outcomes.

Practice makes progress.

Encourage empathy. One person‘s win means someone else lost. Be sensitive when things don’t go well for someone else.

Engage kids in expectations and consequences by asking, “What do you think the consequences should be if you don’t follow this plan?”

Name it (emotions) to tame it. Say it to slay it. Label and stabilize your own moods, too.

Humans, like strong trees, can sway without snapping.

Instead of “practice makes perfect” think “effort makes evolution.”

Promote a growth mindset by using the word “yet.”

[Elaine · Rating 3 out of 5]

There's good principles in here, and it conveniently uses alliteration as a mnemonic...Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair lead to Resilience. Good parenting strategies overall, I don't have a problem with these principles, and I think it would be good for someone that doesn't really know where to start in parenting (maybe new parents, or parents who have trouble connecting with their kids). It really gets down to basics and uses these principles in addressing a whole host of issues. This book covers a LOT-not just these principles, but also perfectionism (in parents as well as kids), dealing with disappointment, play, eating, sleeping, friends, gender and sexuality, screen-time...of course, not super in-depth, each one of these topics could be a book in itself!

The main helpful lessons I got were: 1) let your kids experience disappointment and help them learn how to process it and practice 'not getting what they want', which is inevitable in life at some point or other 2) don't over-praise, it can have the opposite effect on self-esteem; praise strategy and effort, rather than outcome 3) develop their tolerance for discomfort and understand that feelings aren't to be avoided 4) it's ok to have feelings, but it's not ok to always act out on those feelings 5) model regulation, and co-regulate with your child to teach them how to regulate when their feelings are overwhelming them 5) it's ok if you're not hitting the "good parenting targets" all the time, just having a general 'more often than not' is good enough to still make a good impact 6) a lot of fixing problems in kids starts with fixing problems in yourself as a parent first.

I didn't rate the book higher because I found the mindfulness/meditation/positive self-talk exercises and the many acronyms for how to respond in different cases as little too hokey, and there's a lot of these things. Maybe these things work for other people, but I find them a little ridiculous.

I did enjoy reading about the various psychological studies that have been done over the years though (maybe going through the Psychology class with Erin this year has piqued my interest in psychology.)

To me, this book seemed to be a mix of psychological studies, parenting advice, and meditation/mindfulness techniques, and mainly I enjoyed the psychological studies. (Maybe because my kids are already grown and I've read enough other parenting books that I didn't think this was anything that different, just a different way of framing it so that they all start with R.)

[Meke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Watched the interview of about an hour. Not read the book itself. But the advices are quite understandable and insightful, as well as so many great describing that made me feel now I understand what exactly I should do or shouldn’t (for example, being a cat, after being a dog parenting after 11yo). Easy to imagine so I feel I can try.
Details are great unlike other shallow advices, she explains many common mistakes and difficulties of balances and what are just right for your children. Every child is different and adults have to observe who they’re and adjust ourselves towards them with good efforts and also saying this is what I can do.
Our behavior matters more than what we’re saying as children have limitation of listening, they’re seeing us not listen what we say to understand he situation and what they should do, like we watch flight attendants calm behavior and facial expression to calm us when turbulence occurs on a plane.
Set the limit so that children can test their limits and make some mistakes and still there’s some buffer. Allowing children to do anything is wrong. If you do so, there’s no limit children can test. They need to test the limits their parents set. So they may go extreme without rules being set by parents.
Teenagers need you physically like toddlers. Just how to be there for them is different (Cat vs Dog). You can’t say like ok, you do those, I go this way, have fun. Don’t drink too much, take Uber. Bye.
No. Instead, You’re there. You welcome your children home. Check their eyes. You can see if there’s something wrong in their eyes.
Talk before they make mistakes. This is my expectation for you. But, these things going to happen and you are going to make mistakes. Come to me in that case. Talk to me. I’ll
help you. Explain the effect of drugs, alcohol, social media in advance. Tell the difference between binge drinking and just sipping a bit. Set the limit for their good even though they won’t thank you. they will thank you when they get older, at least 25-28, when their frontal lobe matures. Before that, 11-18, they push you, reject you, and ignore the limit you set for them. But that’s the stage they have to have. 18-25, boys brain may develop few years later. But anyway, once your children got independent they will thank you.
Confidence is based on competence; they can cook, can do DIY, and can put away dishes, etc. Not supposed to be playing Violin or amazing sports player. You can’t say see their passion, when your children are interested in something you can do, teach them. Great way to spend time together.

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is a powerful, data-backed parenting guide brimming with warmth and wisdom. Psychologist Dr. Aliza Pressman shares the five essential principles distilled from decades of research: relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, and repair. She emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and letting go of being the perfect parent and provides fascinating insights into the science behind effective parenting.

I loved Dr. Pressman’s voice and that she uses her own anecdotes throughout. Her book teaches us how to raise great kids and become great parents ourselves. She stresses that it's not about controlling your children. It’s about supporting ourselves as parents. Helping to figure out what we're doing, how we're feeling, and how we should respond. For mothers, sometimes that means taking time away to focus on yourself. Sometimes, it's so hard to remember how important that is. But this book reminds us that time out can benefit our kids. This book tackles the whole span of childhood and includes a handy Q&A section. What Dr. Pressman offers in the Five Principles of Parenting is a pathway to resilience for both parents and kids. By normalizing imperfection, we become more intentional people and better parents. And by becoming better parents, we become better people.

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...

[Yalena · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was fantastic! It is not a sit down and read in 2 days book. This is a book that requires longevity. Allow yourself to sit with each chapter and put in practice the teachings described in this book. I am so happy this is my first full length patenting book and will value it for years to come.

The overarching theme is that there is no ‘ perfection’ in parenting. In fact, the imperfection is what allows for well rounded adults to form. It is about how to handle adversity, how to manage the big and little things in life as they all carve our children is someway, shape, or form.

Kids are resilient and we are all the better for it. Focusing on making sure we, as parents, are emotionally centered, allows for us to parent better. Being open and honest with our children about what how we feel is the best demonstration to our children that emotions are a part of life and we can learn how to navigate ANYTHING with them.

All of these things feel logical, but having them written with research studies to back them up and little nuggets to help each situation, gives every parent a confidence boost that we are made for this!

Over the moon about this book and cannot wait to revisit it throughout my child’s life.

[Lynley Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very clarifying, and filled with principles you can apply with confidence no matter what age your kids are.

And also, the permission to forgive yourself if you’re not completely perfect! Because - news flash! - we’re not! It turns out the science tells us that being sensitive and responsive (both defined in the book) *more often than not* is what kids need to grow into confident, resilient good humans. Not perfection. That’s enough!

Also, a big emphasis on the mental and emotional groundedness of the parents. Lots of practices we can do to ground ourselves in our own values and good judgment before responding to our kids.

The phone and social media section in the back are exactly what I needed when my kids were that age. (I remember thinking at the time “someone must have thought this through and come up with a recommended approach!” but it was such early days we were all figuring it out together in real time.)

Because the book is focused on principles instead of step-by-step practices, it’s a really useful resource no matter how old your kids are. I wish I’d had it when my kids were born, but I’m also so glad I discovered it when my kids were elder teens.