We Love Each Other, But . . .: A Leading Couples Therapist Shares the Simple Secrets That Will Help Save Your Relationship

by Ellen F. Wachtel

Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love LastWe Love Each Other, But.... offers simple, practical tips that will help you restore and strengthen a relationship that has gone off track. It lays out the nuts and bolts of building relationships so that they continue to be gratifying over the long haul. Dr. Ellen Wachtel shows how-even when you feel like giving up on a relationship or a marriage-you can recapture why you fell in love in the first place. Dr. Wachtel promises that there is more and suggests simple ways to keep vitality in relationships. In fact, she shows you and your partner how you can stay interested in each other for the rest of your lives.AUTHORBIO: Dr. Ellen Wachtel, author of two highly influential books for professional therapists, is widely known in the field of marriage and family therapy. She has a Ph.D. in psychology and a law degree from Harvard Law School. She has taught at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy, New York University, the City University of New York, and New York City's St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital. Married for more than thirty years and the mother of two grown children, she lives in New York City.

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Psychology, Marriage, Love, Personal Development

225 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 15, 1999

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely one of the best books on relationships that I read. There are plenty of books that go into excellent depth about the "whys" of relationship conflicts and patterns (i.e. Getting the Love You Want, How to Be an Adult in Relationships… etc.), but this book has immediately implementable solutions. It has clear and realistic strategies for creating a more loving relationship, and the best part is that you don't have to finish the whole book to do them.

Wachtel advises readers to start with the first chapter "The Four Basic Truths About What Makes Love Last," but after that, you can skip around to whichever chapter you feel like you need to read at that moment. Her chapter on how to de-escalate arguments is fantastic and has terrific (and, again, realistic) ideas for what to do in the heat of an argument.

I read the chapters that were most pertinent to me first, but then I read through the others also. They all have excellent advice. Some relationship books are a little too touchy-feely and require some sort of getting-in-touch-with-your-soul yadda-yadda stuff before the relationship can get better. Wachtel's book, however, is a straight shooter. She gives honest, clear advice for how to actually relate with this other human being that you've fallen in love with.

What I also appreciated about her book was that she emphasizes that, no matter how madly in love two people are, they are still two DIFFERENT people, and those differences will inevitably butt heads at some point. There's no fairyland where couples magically never have conflict. How we cushion that butting of heads and how we nurture our relationship to withstand any reasonable amount of head-butting is what really matters. It was refreshing to read about other couples who have almost verbatim the same fights that my partner and I have and to realize that … we're not the only ones, and, even better, that the fights we have can be worked through for the better.

It's an easy read -- not intimidating or overwhelming in the least -- and it's a book that I plan on keeping forever.

[Dr. House · Rating 2 out of 5]

مستوى إبتدائي ...

[Ali Alshaghel · Rating 5 out of 5]

عندما قرأت آراء القراء في هذا الكتاب..رأيت أنه من غير المنصف ألا أبدي رأيي فيه.
فعلى الرغم من بساطة وسهولة الكتاب والتي انتقدها البعض تقول الكاتبة (والتي تعمل في مكتب للاستشارة الزوجية) : توصلت من خلال عملي مع الأزواج أن النصيحة "الجوهرية البسيطة" هي أكثر ما يجدي في أغلب الأحيان.
وإن أكثر مايميز هذا الكتاب هو مئات القصص والحالات التي أوردتها الكاتبة على لسان الأزواج ووجهات النظر المتضاربة بين الزوجين في سرد مشاكلهما، وكيف ساعدتهما على حلها.ومن هذه المشاكل استقت الكاتبة أفكارها.
هل يمكن الحفاظ على الحب "حتى بعد سنين" ؟
كيف يمكن كسر الروتين والاعتياد ؟ هل يمكن إصلاح علاقات يأس الطرفان من جدواها؟ كيف نحيا مع الأطفال؟ وغيرها الكثير من الأسئلة التي تجد جوابها بين صفحات هذا الكتاب.
أخيرا فالكتاب ليس موجها خصوصا للمتزوجين فقط
بل أنصح به لكل مقبل على الزواج

[M · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am almost finished.. This book is the most direct,true and effective no nonsense book that I have read on relationships and I have been reading these types of books since...Smart Cookies Don't Crumble..from the 80's which I re read last year and said to myself this is so non relative..

NO homework assignments, no lists, no letters, like women are from venus and men are from mars..

great little book with solid immediately workable advice.

[M · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I'd had this book when I was dating my first boyfriend! I really liked the advice about looking for what you like about your mate versus looking to prove yourself right and him wrong. Also, there is advice for stopping the fights that you have about the same topic repeatedly that always goes the same way and ends with no resolution. And the overall message of the book is to be loving and do your best to remember why you are with your mate.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard about this book on NPR. The guest said that she loved the practical advice in the book so much that she frequently gave it to couples as a wedding present. I have since been told that I'll definitely offend people if this book ends up in their gift bags... that's a bit unfortunate, because this book is a great guide to arguing fairly, overcoming daily obstacles and being a better partner.

I love learning about relationships and listening to therapy/advice podcasts like 'Where Should We Begin?,' 'Dear Sugar' and 'Savage Lovecast.' This book is a bit older, but it shares much of the same straight forward, common sense advice that I love. There's no huge trick or secret, it just reenforces that you and your partner have to be good to each other. It was gratifying to read the things that me and my own partner were doing right, and I made notes on ways I could be a better communicator or listener.

Relationships, even naturally great ones, take some work. The wisdom in this book has made that work a bit easier. I felt lucky in my relationship before this book, and now I have a lot more confidence in us and our future.

[Rocio Spicer-Torres · Rating 4 out of 5]

My boyfriend and I listened to this book on audio and we both got a lot of nuggets from it. I would recommend this book obviously to couples that are struggling in their relationships together but I also would recommend it to couples who aren't exactly on the brink of splitting up or a divorce. My boyfriend and I aren't going through a lot of the problems that were discussed in the book but I still enjoyed being enlightened in problems that could arise in our relationship together and how exactly to go about handling them.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

NPR suggested I read this before I get married.
http://www.npr.org/2012/03/26/1468663...

It was probably the best relationship book (of very few) that I have ever read. It's honest and actually focused on saving the relationship.

I read it on Kindle, so I don't know how long it is or how proud I should be for having read it in one day.

[K · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, practical, very insightful book for couples looking to strengthen their relationships. There's a nice section at the end for couples therapists, but I feel couples therapists can definitely benefit from reading the whole book cover to cover. Highly recommended for those interested in working on their relationships or learning practical tips for couples counseling.

[Gino Galotti · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't expect to learn as much as I did with this book. The practical approach of very common pitfalls and challenges made me reflect many of my dynamics.

I always feel a rush of motivation after reading these kind of books, and I hope I can carry its lessons in my life; this is the type of text I love re reading with my partner.

[Basma Bahaa · Rating 5 out of 5]

قريته مترجم..سواء الكاتبة او المترجمة الاتنين بارعات
والكتاب مفيد جدا مش بس للحبيبة.

[Heba · Rating 3 out of 5]

نحب بعضنا و لكن .. كتاب اعتبرة كمقدمة ممكن يفيد غيري اكثر مني لان اعتبر اني دخلت بالعميق في كتب العلاقات بين الجنسين نوعا ما.

[Blanche · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hoopla audio book. A lot of food for thought. Some great nuggets of advice whether you have been married 6 months or 60 years

[Kate Doyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazingly helpful

This book is for every couple who argues incessantly but who loves each other regardless. This is such a helpful book. The tips in each chapter are easy to understand and implement. This book is saving my relationship

[Marc Medley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent Advice

I actually felt as if I were in the therapist’s office as I read this book. I found the stories and suggestions to be very insightful. The book is very well written and practical. Nice job.

[KA · Rating 2 out of 5]

Yeah just sleep train your kids and put them in time out. If that doesn't work, highly recommend wrapping your kid up in a blanket and pretending to feed him a baba.

Just a few of the many oversimplified, dated, and/or just plain bizarre advice presented in this book.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Would like to read again and take each piece and work on that.

[Sebastian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book, relatable advice, trustworthy author. I like psychological books in English, I wonder, why I don't like them in my mother tongue. Sounds like a topic for a book, or my own psychotherapy...

[Oro Brno · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book.

[Mandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was another really good book that I binge listened to.
Many good take aways.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very informative. It provides tips and each section is split based on different situations and scenarios. It's a great reference book with valuable tools.

[MK LaFs · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was referenced in another book I read.

[Lawana Sisam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book with great ideas!

[Lynne · Rating 5 out of 5]

AT LAST, a book written by a family therapist that helps couples understand and do the best ideas from current couples therapy. It's one of those (along with the 5 Love Languages) that I wish I had written myself!! I will recommend this book to nearly all the couples I see who want to take therapy ideas and practices home with them in book form. It's been on my bookshelf for years and I finally picked it up yesterday. It's great. Thanks, Ellen Wachtel!

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really great read on communication within a marriage. I'm pretty sure that at one point everyone can see themselves in some of the scenarios that Wachtel portrays. There are a lot of easy things one can start doing immediately to improve communication. Lots here for discussion with your significant other.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book with great reminders on how to keep a marriage strong. I mean, I'm already perfect at everything in here - but I would imagine this would be good for OTHER people.

Written by a couples counselor and therapist and includes lots of sample dialogues that I hear often when I go to other people's houses.

I recommend it, and plan to re-read it.

:)

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I actually agreed with - or could directly relate to - about 80% of what was said in this book. I guess it was just nice to know that I was alone in some things I had thought or felt in my marriage. As with any self-help book, there are good ideas, but it's about finding motivation within yourself to change.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

A refreshingly honest and practical read ... both wise and accessible, both witty and warm, Wachtel illuminates excellent insights for the faint and the sturdy hearted (and all those in between). A must read.

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty much confirms the advice I hear on relationships. We have to be more sensitive and supportive of our partners. Even when it's not fair, and not our turn. I like the examples and the flow of the book.

[Bonnie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good for someone new to couples therapy and beginning to change the ways you and your partner interact in the relationship. I much prefer her more detailed and academic book, The Heart of Couple Therapy.