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Ade's Fables
CONTENTS The New Fable of the Private Agitator and What He Cooked Up The New Fable of the Speedy Sprite The New Fable of the Intermittent Fusser The New Fable of the Search for Climate The New Fable of the Father Who Jumped In The New Fable of the Uplifter and His Dandy Little Opus The New Fable of the Wandering Boy and the Wayward Parent The New Fable of What Transpires After the Wind-up The Dream That Came Out with Much to Boot The New Fable of the Toilsome Ascent and the Shining Table-Land The New Fable of the Aerial Performer, the Buzzing Blondine, and the Daughter of Mr. Jackson The New Fable of Susan and the Daughter and the Granddaughter, and then Something Really Grand The New Fable of the Scoffer Who Fell Hard and the Woman Sitting By The New Fable of the Lonesome Camp on the Frozen Heights The New Fable of the Marathon in the Mud and the Laurel Wreath
ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted]
ADE'S FABLES
THE NEW FABLE OF THE PRIVATE AGITATOR AND WHAT HE COOKED UP
Ambition came, with Sterling Silver Breast-Plate and Flaming Sword, and sat beside a Tad aged 5. The wee Hopeful lived in a Frame House with Box Pillars in front and Hollyhocks leading down toward the Pike.
"Whither shall I guide you?" asked Ambition. "Are you far enough from the Shell to have any definite Hankering?"
"I have spent many Hours brooding over the possibilities of the Future," replied the Larva. "I want to grow up to be a Joey in a Circus. I fairly ache to sit in a Red Wagon just behind the Band and drive a Trick Mule with little pieces of Looking Glass in the Harness. I want to pull Mugs at all the scared Country Girls peeking out of the Wagon Beds. The Town Boys will leave the Elephant and trail behind my comical Chariot. In my Hour of Triumph the Air will be impregnated with Calliope Music and the Smell of Pop-Corn, modified by Wild Animals."
Ambition went out to make the proper Bookings with Destiny. When he came back the Boy was ten years old.
"We started wrong," whispered Ambition, curling up in the cool grass near the Day-Dreamer. "The Trick Mule and the Red Cart are all very well for little Fraidy-Cats and Softies, but a brave Youth of High Spirit should tread the Deck of his own Ship with a Cutlass under his Red Sash. Aye, that is Blood gauming up the Scuppers, but is the Captain chicken-hearted? Up with the Black Flag! Let it be give and take, with Pieces of Eight for the Victor!"
So it was settled that the Lad was to hurry through the Graded Schools and then get at his Buccaneering.
But Ambition came back with a revised Program. "You are now Fifteen Years of Age," said the Wonderful Guide with the glittering Suit. "It is High Time that you planned a Noble Career, following a Straight Course from which there shall be no Deviation. The Pirate is a mere swaggering Bravo and almost Unscrupulous at times. Why not be a great Military Commander? The Procedure is Simple. Your Father gives the Finger to the Congressman and then you step off the Boat at West Point. Next thing you know, you are wearing a Nobby Uniform right out on the Parade Ground, while bevies of Debutantes from New York City and other Points admire you for the stern Profile and Military Set-Up. After that you will subdue many Savage Tribes, and then you will march up Pennsylvania Avenue at the head of the whole Regular Army, and the President of the United States will be waiting on the Front Porch of the White House to present you with a jewelled Sword on behalf of a Grateful Nation."
"You are right," said the Stripling. His eyes were like Saucers, and his Nostrils quivered. "I will be Commander-in-Chief, and after I am laid away, with the Cannon booming, the Folks in this very Town will put up a Statue of Me at the corner of Sixth and Main, so the Street- Cars will have to circle to get aro
ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted]
ADE'S FABLES
THE NEW FABLE OF THE PRIVATE AGITATOR AND WHAT HE COOKED UP
Ambition came, with Sterling Silver Breast-Plate and Flaming Sword, and sat beside a Tad aged 5. The wee Hopeful lived in a Frame House with Box Pillars in front and Hollyhocks leading down toward the Pike.
"Whither shall I guide you?" asked Ambition. "Are you far enough from the Shell to have any definite Hankering?"
"I have spent many Hours brooding over the possibilities of the Future," replied the Larva. "I want to grow up to be a Joey in a Circus. I fairly ache to sit in a Red Wagon just behind the Band and drive a Trick Mule with little pieces of Looking Glass in the Harness. I want to pull Mugs at all the scared Country Girls peeking out of the Wagon Beds. The Town Boys will leave the Elephant and trail behind my comical Chariot. In my Hour of Triumph the Air will be impregnated with Calliope Music and the Smell of Pop-Corn, modified by Wild Animals."
Ambition went out to make the proper Bookings with Destiny. When he came back the Boy was ten years old.
"We started wrong," whispered Ambition, curling up in the cool grass near the Day-Dreamer. "The Trick Mule and the Red Cart are all very well for little Fraidy-Cats and Softies, but a brave Youth of High Spirit should tread the Deck of his own Ship with a Cutlass under his Red Sash. Aye, that is Blood gauming up the Scuppers, but is the Captain chicken-hearted? Up with the Black Flag! Let it be give and take, with Pieces of Eight for the Victor!"
So it was settled that the Lad was to hurry through the Graded Schools and then get at his Buccaneering.
But Ambition came back with a revised Program. "You are now Fifteen Years of Age," said the Wonderful Guide with the glittering Suit. "It is High Time that you planned a Noble Career, following a Straight Course from which there shall be no Deviation. The Pirate is a mere swaggering Bravo and almost Unscrupulous at times. Why not be a great Military Commander? The Procedure is Simple. Your Father gives the Finger to the Congressman and then you step off the Boat at West Point. Next thing you know, you are wearing a Nobby Uniform right out on the Parade Ground, while bevies of Debutantes from New York City and other Points admire you for the stern Profile and Military Set-Up. After that you will subdue many Savage Tribes, and then you will march up Pennsylvania Avenue at the head of the whole Regular Army, and the President of the United States will be waiting on the Front Porch of the White House to present you with a jewelled Sword on behalf of a Grateful Nation."
"You are right," said the Stripling. His eyes were like Saucers, and his Nostrils quivered. "I will be Commander-in-Chief, and after I am laid away, with the Cannon booming, the Folks in this very Town will put up a Statue of Me at the corner of Sixth and Main, so the Street- Cars will have to circle to get aro
- GenresHumor
156 pages, Paperback
Published April 15, 2007
10 people are currently reading
39 people want to read
About the author
George Ade
190 books16 followersGeorge Ade (February 9, 1866 – May 16, 1944) was an American writer, newspaper columnist, and playwright.
Ade's literary reputation rests upon his achievements as a great humorist of American character during an important era in American history: the first large wave of migration from the countryside to burgeoning cities like Chicago, where, in fact, Ade produced his best fiction. He was a practicing realist during the Age of (William Dean) Howells and a local colorist of Chicago and the Midwest. His work constitutes a vast comedy of Midwestern manners and, indeed, a comedy of late 19th-century American manners. In 1915, Sir Walter Raleigh, Oxford professor and man of letters, while on a lecture tour in America, called George Ade "the greatest living American writer."
(wikipedia)
Ade's literary reputation rests upon his achievements as a great humorist of American character during an important era in American history: the first large wave of migration from the countryside to burgeoning cities like Chicago, where, in fact, Ade produced his best fiction. He was a practicing realist during the Age of (William Dean) Howells and a local colorist of Chicago and the Midwest. His work constitutes a vast comedy of Midwestern manners and, indeed, a comedy of late 19th-century American manners. In 1915, Sir Walter Raleigh, Oxford professor and man of letters, while on a lecture tour in America, called George Ade "the greatest living American writer."
(wikipedia)
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
March 16, 2019
Maybe someone will correct me, but I believe this is the fourth collection of fables in slang, after Fables in Slang, More Fables, and People You Know.
Along the way, I was afraid Ade had lost some of his Yumpf, slangily speaking, but the last two fables, at least, slung hash with the best of them.
Ade's fables won the praises of H. L. Mencken and Edmund Wilson, to name just two.
Here is an almost random sample of the slang style:
His front name was Willoughby, but Frances always called him "Dear," no matter what she happened to be thinking at the time.
Part of State Street had been wished on to Willoughby. He was afraid to sell, not knowing how to reinvest. So he sat back and played safe.
With growing Delight he watched the Unearned Increment piling up on every Corner. He began to see that he would be fairly busy all his life, jacking up Rents.
The Red-Brick Fortress to which he conducted Frances had Stone Steps in front and a secret Entrance for lowly Trades-people at the rear. Willoughby and his wife had the high courage of Youth and the Financial Support of all the Money Spenders along State Street, so they started in on Period Decoration.
Each Room in the House was supposed to stand for a Period. Some of them stood for a good deal. A few of the Periods looked like Exclamation Points.
The clear-eyed, insouciant cynicism of a line like "He began to see that he would be fairly busy [viz., idle] all his life, jacking up Rents." is why Ade is genuinely funny, unlike many another humorist of his day and ours.
One more excerpt. This is one of those times when the slang of a century ago causes the modern reader to pull up short and raise an eyebrow (note the last two words):
As for the Servant Problem, it was something ferocious. City Help could not be lured to the Tall Grass, and all the Locals had been schooled at the Railway Eating-House.
Elam and Claudine had a Cook named Gusta, born somewhere near the Arctic Circle in Europe. Her fried Chicken drowned in thick Gravy came under the head of Regular Food. She could turn out Waffles as long as there was a Customer in sight. The Biscuit on which she specialized were light as Down.
The Things she fixed to Eat were Fine and Dandy but she never had heard of a Cuisine. When you took her away from regular Chow and made her tackle something Casserole or En Tasse, she blew.
Along the way, I was afraid Ade had lost some of his Yumpf, slangily speaking, but the last two fables, at least, slung hash with the best of them.
Ade's fables won the praises of H. L. Mencken and Edmund Wilson, to name just two.
Here is an almost random sample of the slang style:
His front name was Willoughby, but Frances always called him "Dear," no matter what she happened to be thinking at the time.
Part of State Street had been wished on to Willoughby. He was afraid to sell, not knowing how to reinvest. So he sat back and played safe.
With growing Delight he watched the Unearned Increment piling up on every Corner. He began to see that he would be fairly busy all his life, jacking up Rents.
The Red-Brick Fortress to which he conducted Frances had Stone Steps in front and a secret Entrance for lowly Trades-people at the rear. Willoughby and his wife had the high courage of Youth and the Financial Support of all the Money Spenders along State Street, so they started in on Period Decoration.
Each Room in the House was supposed to stand for a Period. Some of them stood for a good deal. A few of the Periods looked like Exclamation Points.
The clear-eyed, insouciant cynicism of a line like "He began to see that he would be fairly busy [viz., idle] all his life, jacking up Rents." is why Ade is genuinely funny, unlike many another humorist of his day and ours.
One more excerpt. This is one of those times when the slang of a century ago causes the modern reader to pull up short and raise an eyebrow (note the last two words):
As for the Servant Problem, it was something ferocious. City Help could not be lured to the Tall Grass, and all the Locals had been schooled at the Railway Eating-House.
Elam and Claudine had a Cook named Gusta, born somewhere near the Arctic Circle in Europe. Her fried Chicken drowned in thick Gravy came under the head of Regular Food. She could turn out Waffles as long as there was a Customer in sight. The Biscuit on which she specialized were light as Down.
The Things she fixed to Eat were Fine and Dandy but she never had heard of a Cuisine. When you took her away from regular Chow and made her tackle something Casserole or En Tasse, she blew.
July 30, 2008
George Ade spent most of his career writing his "fables in slang," which at their best are some of the funniest things ever written by an American.
October 14, 2021
Entertaining, and slangier than some of the others, but not his best. Jean Shepherd's "The America of George Ade" is probably the best choice for Ade novices.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews