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In Faith and In Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families
Interfaith marriages fail more often than same-faith partnerships. So what are the chances of survival for the ultimate mixed marriage--one between religious and nonreligious partners?
Nearly 20 percent of Americans now self-identify as nonreligious, including millions who are married to religious believers. Despite the differences, many of these marriages succeed beautifully. In this landmark book, popular author and secular humanist Dale McGowan explores some of the stories of these unions, whose very endurance flies in the face of conventional wisdom, including his own marriage to a believing Christian--a loving partnership that remains strong after three kids and 22 years. Drawing on sociology, psychology, and real-life experience, he shares:
● Negotiation tips that set the stage for harmonious relationships
● Strategies for dealing with pressure from extended family
● Profiles of families who have successfully blended different world views
● Insights for helping kids make their own choices about religious identity
● Advice for handling holidays, churchgoing, baptism, circumcision, religious literacy, and more
The first book of its kind, In Faith and In Doubt helps partners navigate the complexities of their situation while celebrating the extraordinary richness it affords their relationship, their children, and those around them.
Nearly 20 percent of Americans now self-identify as nonreligious, including millions who are married to religious believers. Despite the differences, many of these marriages succeed beautifully. In this landmark book, popular author and secular humanist Dale McGowan explores some of the stories of these unions, whose very endurance flies in the face of conventional wisdom, including his own marriage to a believing Christian--a loving partnership that remains strong after three kids and 22 years. Drawing on sociology, psychology, and real-life experience, he shares:
● Negotiation tips that set the stage for harmonious relationships
● Strategies for dealing with pressure from extended family
● Profiles of families who have successfully blended different world views
● Insights for helping kids make their own choices about religious identity
● Advice for handling holidays, churchgoing, baptism, circumcision, religious literacy, and more
The first book of its kind, In Faith and In Doubt helps partners navigate the complexities of their situation while celebrating the extraordinary richness it affords their relationship, their children, and those around them.
276 pages, Paperback
First published August 12, 2014
19 people are currently reading
240 people want to read
About the author
Dale McGowan
17 books54 followersDALE McGOWAN, Ph.D., is a committed atheist, a devoted husband and father, and a recognized expert on raising caring, ethical children without religion. He is the author of Parenting Beyond Belief, a collection of essays by and for loving, thoughtful nonreligious parents hailed by Newsweek as “a compelling read,” and Raising Freethinkers, the first comprehensive resource addressing the unique challenges secular parents face. He teaches workshops to nonreligious parents throughout the United States and Canada and was named a Harvard Humanist of the Year. Dale also founded the nonprofit Foundation Beyond Belief, a charitable organization dedicated to encouraging and demonstrating acts of humanist generosity.
At age 28, Dale married his true love, Becca, a Southern Baptist. They had a traditional religious wedding in a beautiful, historic Lutheran church in San Francisco, with two ministers—a Methodist friend of the family and the bride’s Baptist uncle—plus an Episcopal organist. “No one would have guessed there was an atheist in the room,” Dale reflects, “much less that he was the one in tux and tails.” Twenty-three years and three kids later, their marriage is, happily, still going strong. Yet, as Dale knew from the experiences of others, including close friends, many mixed-belief marriages are marked by frequent conflict and pain, and some end in divorce, caused directly by the couple’s differences in worldview. Why do some secular/religious marriages succeed and others fail? Dale’s fascination with that question and search for answers culminated in the book, In Faith and In Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families.
Before finding his calling as a writer, Dale McGowan enjoyed a 15-year career as a professor of music and conductor. He holds degrees in physical anthropology and music theory from the University of California, as well as a doctorate in music composition and theory from the University of Minnesota. In addition to his books on secular parenting and mixed-belief families, he is the author of Atheism for Dummies, Voices of Unbelief, and two works of satirical fiction, Calling Bernadette's Bluff and Good Thunder. He makes his home near Atlanta, Georgia, with his wife Becca, a second grade teacher, and their three kids.
At age 28, Dale married his true love, Becca, a Southern Baptist. They had a traditional religious wedding in a beautiful, historic Lutheran church in San Francisco, with two ministers—a Methodist friend of the family and the bride’s Baptist uncle—plus an Episcopal organist. “No one would have guessed there was an atheist in the room,” Dale reflects, “much less that he was the one in tux and tails.” Twenty-three years and three kids later, their marriage is, happily, still going strong. Yet, as Dale knew from the experiences of others, including close friends, many mixed-belief marriages are marked by frequent conflict and pain, and some end in divorce, caused directly by the couple’s differences in worldview. Why do some secular/religious marriages succeed and others fail? Dale’s fascination with that question and search for answers culminated in the book, In Faith and In Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families.
Before finding his calling as a writer, Dale McGowan enjoyed a 15-year career as a professor of music and conductor. He holds degrees in physical anthropology and music theory from the University of California, as well as a doctorate in music composition and theory from the University of Minnesota. In addition to his books on secular parenting and mixed-belief families, he is the author of Atheism for Dummies, Voices of Unbelief, and two works of satirical fiction, Calling Bernadette's Bluff and Good Thunder. He makes his home near Atlanta, Georgia, with his wife Becca, a second grade teacher, and their three kids.
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
December 30, 2015
I was excited to read this book and gleefully found the first several chapters full of hope. In the end I have found the book offers little help for those married to a fundamentalist believer. I am an Ex-Mormon who once had a fundamentalist mindset but now is agnostic. My wife is a believing fundamentalist Mormon.
McGowan's often repeats that most believers are more progressive or nuanced than you might think and his entire "self-help guide" is built around that. He gives tools so those couples willing to compromise and find middle ground are able to. However, if you are married to a fundamentalist that cannot budge an inch then his guide is of little use and inspires no hope.
So, in a marriage of two reasonable, moderate people then this book can help.
McGowan's often repeats that most believers are more progressive or nuanced than you might think and his entire "self-help guide" is built around that. He gives tools so those couples willing to compromise and find middle ground are able to. However, if you are married to a fundamentalist that cannot budge an inch then his guide is of little use and inspires no hope.
So, in a marriage of two reasonable, moderate people then this book can help.
June 8, 2015
I highly recommend this book to anyone in a secular/religious mixed marriage. Not only does the author have sound data about such relationships that is revealing and mostly encouraging, he knows whereof he speaks being in such a marriage himself. When we embarked on reading this book I thought it would give my husband more understanding of where I was in regards to religion and help him be less judgmental (Yes, I publicly admit that.). While I think that did happen, for me the most profound effect was coming to acknowledge my own prejudices that I had allowed to creep in since my own faith transition. Even more important was developing, through the author's excellent insight, a better understanding of the many facets of my husbands faith and why it is important to him. Reading the book together sparked many deep conversations where we came to a better understanding of each other and drew closer by doing so.
But wait. This isn't about our relationship. I am sharing all of that to say that I believe the book can be instrumental in saving marriages that are struggling with the uncertainty and frustration created when being "unequally yoked" in religious terms is added to the many stressors in a marriage. Mr. McGowan lays a solid foundation of understanding of the nature of and impact of differing views of faith or secular outlooks, how to handle those with respect, how to resolve issues related to extended family and raising children in such a household, and even navigating the difficult, heart-breaking decision to divorce. There is a survey to assess what values and morals a couple shares as well as one gauging each person's level of dogmatism. He also addresses some issues that are specific to particular religions. One especially interesting section provides somewhat extensive real life examples of various iterations of mixed relationships.
In the end the author provides messages of hope from people who have navigated these perilous waters successfully by sharing their assessments of the positive side or benefits of mixed relationships. I recommend reading the book together. If your spouse or significant other is unwilling read it yourself. You may learn something that will help you positively impact your relationship.
Now for some obligatory stuff that is nonetheless true. The book is well laid out and readable. There are sources sited for all data. We laughed and we cried and we deepened our commitment to each other. I hope that will happen for others who read the book as well.
But wait. This isn't about our relationship. I am sharing all of that to say that I believe the book can be instrumental in saving marriages that are struggling with the uncertainty and frustration created when being "unequally yoked" in religious terms is added to the many stressors in a marriage. Mr. McGowan lays a solid foundation of understanding of the nature of and impact of differing views of faith or secular outlooks, how to handle those with respect, how to resolve issues related to extended family and raising children in such a household, and even navigating the difficult, heart-breaking decision to divorce. There is a survey to assess what values and morals a couple shares as well as one gauging each person's level of dogmatism. He also addresses some issues that are specific to particular religions. One especially interesting section provides somewhat extensive real life examples of various iterations of mixed relationships.
In the end the author provides messages of hope from people who have navigated these perilous waters successfully by sharing their assessments of the positive side or benefits of mixed relationships. I recommend reading the book together. If your spouse or significant other is unwilling read it yourself. You may learn something that will help you positively impact your relationship.
Now for some obligatory stuff that is nonetheless true. The book is well laid out and readable. There are sources sited for all data. We laughed and we cried and we deepened our commitment to each other. I hope that will happen for others who read the book as well.
June 26, 2015
This book is absolutely phenomenal. Last year I read "Being Both", which was about interfaith families; this one is about marriages and families where one partner is religious and the other is not, which frankly better describes Ari (secular humanist) and myself (progressive Christian).
We've actually had a remarkably good run of not having too many issues surrounding our differences in belief, but we've always said to the extent we do, they come more from our believing to different degrees than believing in different things - such that there are challenges, they would be easier to navigate if he were "Jewish" the same way as I'm "Christian".
That said, this isn't a case where we see ourselves in every story and every chapter - we much more related to the couples who went in, perhaps without perfect understanding of one another but negotiating the nuances of a secular-religious home in good faith (pardon the pun) than those who couldn't bounce back from their different beliefs (or lack thereof). But so much of the book really resonated with me - and Ari, who is still reading through it - and was so very relatable, that I would recommend it to anyone, especially those in, or trying to understand a friend/relative/loved one in, a religous-secular marriage, or frankly clergy of any stripe who more and more will probably need to navigate some of these challenging, but creative waters. It's an easy read that very nicely explains our dynamic to anyone who might not understand it.
We've actually had a remarkably good run of not having too many issues surrounding our differences in belief, but we've always said to the extent we do, they come more from our believing to different degrees than believing in different things - such that there are challenges, they would be easier to navigate if he were "Jewish" the same way as I'm "Christian".
That said, this isn't a case where we see ourselves in every story and every chapter - we much more related to the couples who went in, perhaps without perfect understanding of one another but negotiating the nuances of a secular-religious home in good faith (pardon the pun) than those who couldn't bounce back from their different beliefs (or lack thereof). But so much of the book really resonated with me - and Ari, who is still reading through it - and was so very relatable, that I would recommend it to anyone, especially those in, or trying to understand a friend/relative/loved one in, a religous-secular marriage, or frankly clergy of any stripe who more and more will probably need to navigate some of these challenging, but creative waters. It's an easy read that very nicely explains our dynamic to anyone who might not understand it.
January 1, 2015
Excellent resource for those who find themselves in this situation.
September 25, 2014
I've been an enthusiastic reader of Dale McGowan‘s books for a few years now. He has found a very relevant niche (secular family life) and has filled it with compassion, knowledge, and humor. His first two books in this area, Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion and Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief, were focused on parenting, and I found them to be very useful sources for both contemplation and practical resources as a secular parent.
In Faith and in Doubt moves a bit away from parenting as a focus to another important and underserved question: mixed marriages. Specifically, marriages in which one spouse is a religious believer and the other isn't. I'm in such a marriage.
McGowan has personal experience with "secular/religious marriage" (his preferred term for the phenomenon), and we read several stories about how he and his wife, Becca, started a relationship with different beliefs and how their beliefs challenged them and changed over the years of their relationship. What makes the book valuable, though, is that McGowan didn't base his thoughts on just his personal relationship or a few anecdotal other relationships.
Instead, he conducted an online survey of participants in secular/religious marriages (contacted mostly through atheist and skeptical social media) that collected information from nearly 1000 different relationships (and, in some cases, former relationships) in a wide variety of combinations and levels of success. By collecting this much data, McGowan's message that secular/religious marriage are not inherently doomed has a lot of support.
McGowan starts with a review of the scant previous literature on the topic of secular/religious marriages that shows a different conclusion: that they are doomed to be miserable and short. However, McGowan points out that the authors of those books generally had a vested interest; they were usually conservative practitioners of more exclusionary faiths, trying to scare their fellow believers away from mixed marriages. In contrast, by looking at the results of a broad survey of real-life examples of these marriages, McGowan demonstrates that the doom-and-gloom isn't warranted.
Well, isn't necessarily warranted. That's because he identifies several things that can make a successful secular/religious marriage much more difficult, including these:
* A partner changed worldviews after the wedding (converting or deconverting)
* Both partners intensely identifying with the worldviews
* Dogmatic thinking
* Strong desires to convert the other
* An antitheist secular partner or a fundamentalist religious partner
* Problems with extended family or raising the children
* Other risk factors, like substance abuse, mismatched desire for children, big age differences, etc.
Of course, there are helpful things on the flip side:
* Not trying to convert the other
* Discussing the differences early
* Working out agreements and understanding both the negotiables and non-negotiables
* Focusing on shared values instead of differing beliefs
* Valuing mutual personal respect
* Allowing any children with the freedom to choose their own identity
* Supporting each other
Looking through these lists, I can see why my wife and I have been able to make our relationships work. Though we are both very involved in our respective worldviews (separately actively attending and volunteering at church for her and the Ethical Society of St. Louis for me), we don't try to convert each other, we knew about and deeply discussed our differences coming in, we encourage our kids to question and come to their own conclusions, her belief isn't fundamentalist, and my disbelief is focused more on Humanism than antitheism.
To demonstrate how these factors played out for other couples, McGowan provides chapter-length profiles of a variety of different combinations: a liberal Southern Baptist married to an increasingly-atheist-oriented agnostic, a secular American and a South African Hindu, a Southern Baptist couple in which the husband deconverted, an atheist and a liberal Catholic who compromised on Unitarianism, a couple that switched places, etc. Some of these couples were able to build strong relationships without much difficulty, some fell apart completely under the strain of change, and for some the difference in religion was just one of many cultural issues.
With these examples and the results of the survey under his belt, McGowan uses the last half of the book to dive deeply into a variety of specific aspects of relationships, from the initial discovery of difference to the wedding to holidays to kids, etc. McGowan does a very good job at presenting good advice and principles and then establishing his point with stories from his life or the lives of the couple he profiled in the second section of the book.
As a personal note, as a member of the Ethical Culture movement, I was really glad to see his plug for us:
I suppose that shouldn't have been too much of a surprise, since McGowan became the National Director of Ethical Education for the American Ethical Union earlier this year, but I was glad to see it nonetheless.
Anyway, the book ends on a hopeful note, pointing out that successful secular/religious marriages give the partners better understandings of each other's worldviews and can both soften fundamentalist belief on one end and give relief to religious resentment on the other. Further, since secular/religious couples have had to worth through the religious issues through compassion, communication, and compromise, they are often in a better shape than others to whether the other types of crises that inevitably affect long-term relationships.
In conclusion, I'm really glad that Dale wrote this book. Some of the stories were familiar to me because I've read his other books, but there was also a lot of information and were a lot of examples of practices and approaches that my wife and I can use to make sure that our 13-year-old marriage survives for decades more.
A secular/religious marriage needs a solid foundation of trust, shared values, and communication. Both partners have to be willing to make compromises. It may not compatible with all theisms (or even all atheisms), but it can work through focus on shared values. It isn't guaranteed to work, but it isn't nearly as foolhardy as some would have us believe.
In Faith and in Doubt moves a bit away from parenting as a focus to another important and underserved question: mixed marriages. Specifically, marriages in which one spouse is a religious believer and the other isn't. I'm in such a marriage.
McGowan has personal experience with "secular/religious marriage" (his preferred term for the phenomenon), and we read several stories about how he and his wife, Becca, started a relationship with different beliefs and how their beliefs challenged them and changed over the years of their relationship. What makes the book valuable, though, is that McGowan didn't base his thoughts on just his personal relationship or a few anecdotal other relationships.
Instead, he conducted an online survey of participants in secular/religious marriages (contacted mostly through atheist and skeptical social media) that collected information from nearly 1000 different relationships (and, in some cases, former relationships) in a wide variety of combinations and levels of success. By collecting this much data, McGowan's message that secular/religious marriage are not inherently doomed has a lot of support.
McGowan starts with a review of the scant previous literature on the topic of secular/religious marriages that shows a different conclusion: that they are doomed to be miserable and short. However, McGowan points out that the authors of those books generally had a vested interest; they were usually conservative practitioners of more exclusionary faiths, trying to scare their fellow believers away from mixed marriages. In contrast, by looking at the results of a broad survey of real-life examples of these marriages, McGowan demonstrates that the doom-and-gloom isn't warranted.
Well, isn't necessarily warranted. That's because he identifies several things that can make a successful secular/religious marriage much more difficult, including these:
* A partner changed worldviews after the wedding (converting or deconverting)
* Both partners intensely identifying with the worldviews
* Dogmatic thinking
* Strong desires to convert the other
* An antitheist secular partner or a fundamentalist religious partner
* Problems with extended family or raising the children
* Other risk factors, like substance abuse, mismatched desire for children, big age differences, etc.
Of course, there are helpful things on the flip side:
* Not trying to convert the other
* Discussing the differences early
* Working out agreements and understanding both the negotiables and non-negotiables
* Focusing on shared values instead of differing beliefs
* Valuing mutual personal respect
* Allowing any children with the freedom to choose their own identity
* Supporting each other
Looking through these lists, I can see why my wife and I have been able to make our relationships work. Though we are both very involved in our respective worldviews (separately actively attending and volunteering at church for her and the Ethical Society of St. Louis for me), we don't try to convert each other, we knew about and deeply discussed our differences coming in, we encourage our kids to question and come to their own conclusions, her belief isn't fundamentalist, and my disbelief is focused more on Humanism than antitheism.
To demonstrate how these factors played out for other couples, McGowan provides chapter-length profiles of a variety of different combinations: a liberal Southern Baptist married to an increasingly-atheist-oriented agnostic, a secular American and a South African Hindu, a Southern Baptist couple in which the husband deconverted, an atheist and a liberal Catholic who compromised on Unitarianism, a couple that switched places, etc. Some of these couples were able to build strong relationships without much difficulty, some fell apart completely under the strain of change, and for some the difference in religion was just one of many cultural issues.
With these examples and the results of the survey under his belt, McGowan uses the last half of the book to dive deeply into a variety of specific aspects of relationships, from the initial discovery of difference to the wedding to holidays to kids, etc. McGowan does a very good job at presenting good advice and principles and then establishing his point with stories from his life or the lives of the couple he profiled in the second section of the book.
As a personal note, as a member of the Ethical Culture movement, I was really glad to see his plug for us:
If you're lucky enough to live in a city with an Ethical Culture Society, well, I'm jealous.
I suppose that shouldn't have been too much of a surprise, since McGowan became the National Director of Ethical Education for the American Ethical Union earlier this year, but I was glad to see it nonetheless.
Anyway, the book ends on a hopeful note, pointing out that successful secular/religious marriages give the partners better understandings of each other's worldviews and can both soften fundamentalist belief on one end and give relief to religious resentment on the other. Further, since secular/religious couples have had to worth through the religious issues through compassion, communication, and compromise, they are often in a better shape than others to whether the other types of crises that inevitably affect long-term relationships.
In conclusion, I'm really glad that Dale wrote this book. Some of the stories were familiar to me because I've read his other books, but there was also a lot of information and were a lot of examples of practices and approaches that my wife and I can use to make sure that our 13-year-old marriage survives for decades more.
A secular/religious marriage needs a solid foundation of trust, shared values, and communication. Both partners have to be willing to make compromises. It may not compatible with all theisms (or even all atheisms), but it can work through focus on shared values. It isn't guaranteed to work, but it isn't nearly as foolhardy as some would have us believe.
August 20, 2018
What I lacked in this book was more focus on the premarital phase, the dating and figuring out - rather than the married and figuring out part. But this book is about the marriage part, so I cannot really complain although dating is part of the process and that is where many differences are to be reconciled(and I would guess that many more of the relationships never gets to marriage). The approach Dale McGowan has to the issue is kind of scientific. He defines the terms first, introduces the stories, and then tackles the issues. Much is done by general data as well to give a statistical background and material from studies. The feel of the book is very professional so that it makes it a bit too objective maybe, showing how it can work and how it cannot. For a Christian reader, it may feel a bit uninvolved in the faiths, as it discusses them as beliefs apart from the truth - and from the viewpoint of an atheist. It is good it is done this way, and then other books can take a more Chrisitan positive approach to the topic. It presents and informs rather than solves and inspires, but it still gives a good deal of good information that can be inspiring since the data show that a relationship between a believer and a non-believer can work. This is a good book, and there are too few of the kind that tackles this hot topic, so I'm very glad that I read it and I feel much better informed on the issue.
December 2, 2020
This is an incisive work of religious studies. I've not read a book quite like it before: Dale McGowan combines personal memoir, anthropology, journalism, and counseling to document theist-atheist relationships. McGowan's survey research shows that atheists and theists can and do form loving romantic relationships. Based on the survey results and follow-up interviews, McGowan offers specific recommendations for making such relationships work, touching on topics from extended families to weddings to parenting. McGowan's thesis is that mere communication between partners with divergent religious views is not enough. Rather, partners must actively identify values they share despite their disagreements about a god or gods. This would be an interesting argument if McGowan based his book only on his own marriage (which he discusses at length), but the survey and interview data give heft to his claim. While focusing on relationships between atheists and theists, this book would be of great value to partners in interfaith relationships or partners from other intermixed backgrounds. Scholars of religion and society will find much to savor here, as well.
January 2, 2025
3.5 Stars rounded up. I appreciated that this book really did cover territory in terms of types of relationships that I haven't found another source on. I half loved the amount of data cited, and half wished it had less, because those sections were very dry.
On the other hand, a lot of the voices in the book who claimed things were great in their relationships in spite of differences told a different story with the rest of their words. It was uncomfortable to read.
There was also at times emphasis on being open minded in a particular way that I do think could be very spiritually compromising dependent on religious worldview.
On the other hand, a lot of the voices in the book who claimed things were great in their relationships in spite of differences told a different story with the rest of their words. It was uncomfortable to read.
There was also at times emphasis on being open minded in a particular way that I do think could be very spiritually compromising dependent on religious worldview.
February 15, 2024
This was a quick and easy read that gave me some good ideas to implement in my mixed religious marriage. I felt like McGowan was charitable to both religious and non-religious beliefs and provided plenty of examples of the thoughts of spouses on both sides of the religious divide. He cited his sources well. This book may not be as helpful if one or both spouses are extremely dogmatic or if one spouse is heavily involved in a high control religion. It's hard to compromise with someone who is unwilling to compromise.
July 17, 2025
I really appreciated how much it made me think about faith and religion in comparison to values. I also thought it was very enlightening as to how integrated different religions are with other religions.
January 3, 2024
Very informative on believers and non believer relationships with lots of data.
January 16, 2025
Wish I would have had this 30 years ago. Definitely a must-read for the mixed faith/no faith couple before marriage.
May 14, 2025
Excellent.
February 22, 2017
This book was a huge help for my marriage. It provided the reassurance that I am not alone in how I felt when I left religion, and that just because my marriage is now mixed, it doesn't mean that it's doomed. It made me re-assess and ultimately change my behavior, and empathize more with what my husband went through during my faith transition. This book gave me facts, statistics, lessons in parenting, and most of all, hope. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who is in a mixed-faith marriage.
November 19, 2014
Note: I received this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
Dale McGowan has spent the last few years educating the world about atheism. He's also been helping nonreligious adults navigate parenthood in a world full of belief. Most people would probably be surprised to know that, despite Dale's work as a nonbeliever, he is married to a Christian. In this book he shows us how mixed belief marriages can work.
Using statistics, a few quizzes, and stories from a variety of mixed marriages, McGowan breaks down the biggest challenges facing couples with different worldviews. The book is told in three parts: Getting Perspective, Meet the Mix, and Meet the Issues.
Getting Perspective introduces us to the many types of believers and nonbelievers. Right from the beginning, he breaks down stereotypes and preconceived notions. We come face to face, not just with what we think people believe, but what they actually believe. There's more overlap than one might think.
In Meet the Mix, we get to know eight couples (some of them exes). They represent a vast array of mixed belief marriages so anyone coming to this book for advice will see themselves. McGowan refers to the couples throughout the rest of the book and helpfully lets you know in advance where each couple gets explored more closely.
Meet the Issues tackles mixed marriage ceremonies, holidays, church attendance, raising kids, dealing with extended family, and divorce. There are suggestions of possible arrangements, a statistical breakdown of what other couples have done, and stories about the bumps in the road. McGowan ends with an examination of the positive qualities that are unique to mixed belief relationships.
This book is honest. It isn't all happy endings, but it proves that all strong marriages are based on compromise, respect, and communication, not mindless agreement. It's a must read for anyone in a serious mixed belief relationship.
Dale McGowan has spent the last few years educating the world about atheism. He's also been helping nonreligious adults navigate parenthood in a world full of belief. Most people would probably be surprised to know that, despite Dale's work as a nonbeliever, he is married to a Christian. In this book he shows us how mixed belief marriages can work.
Using statistics, a few quizzes, and stories from a variety of mixed marriages, McGowan breaks down the biggest challenges facing couples with different worldviews. The book is told in three parts: Getting Perspective, Meet the Mix, and Meet the Issues.
Getting Perspective introduces us to the many types of believers and nonbelievers. Right from the beginning, he breaks down stereotypes and preconceived notions. We come face to face, not just with what we think people believe, but what they actually believe. There's more overlap than one might think.
In Meet the Mix, we get to know eight couples (some of them exes). They represent a vast array of mixed belief marriages so anyone coming to this book for advice will see themselves. McGowan refers to the couples throughout the rest of the book and helpfully lets you know in advance where each couple gets explored more closely.
Meet the Issues tackles mixed marriage ceremonies, holidays, church attendance, raising kids, dealing with extended family, and divorce. There are suggestions of possible arrangements, a statistical breakdown of what other couples have done, and stories about the bumps in the road. McGowan ends with an examination of the positive qualities that are unique to mixed belief relationships.
This book is honest. It isn't all happy endings, but it proves that all strong marriages are based on compromise, respect, and communication, not mindless agreement. It's a must read for anyone in a serious mixed belief relationship.
August 13, 2014
I enjoyed this book very much. It has a lot of good advice on dealing with believer-nonbeliever marriages, from the standpoint of either the believer or the nonbeliever. The chapter on identity was particularly excellent, reinforcing some observations I've had and illuminating many things. I would happily recommend the book.
There was one aspect of the book that bothered me. Several portions of the book seemed to be overly critical of a non-specific "New Atheist" viewpoint, notably in references such as "like Richard Dawkins". Some of this is seen in the discussion of atheist typology, based in part on the Silver and Coleman paper on the topic. Silver and Coleman identify an "anti-theist" type, which they describe roughly as people who hate religious people. McGowan, I think from comments by the paper authors, suggests that such atheists might be people who had bad experiences leaving religion.
This description of the term "anti-theist" isn't in keeping with the way I use the term, which is more related to people who think religion is a bad thing, nothing about how they feel about religious people. (Like people who think smoking is a bad thing, but don't have any personal issue with smokers.) I understand that Silver and Coleman may have intended that sort of view to be included under some other term, but that isn't clear, and McGowan largely avoids addressing that view at all. Some people (I am one of them) do indeed think religion is a bad thing, but are perfectly fine with religious people, and may end up happily married (as I am) to a religious person. People don't reach that conclusion necessarily through a bad personal experience, but often through seeing the effects of religion in the world. I wish McGowan had addressed this a bit better.
There was one aspect of the book that bothered me. Several portions of the book seemed to be overly critical of a non-specific "New Atheist" viewpoint, notably in references such as "like Richard Dawkins". Some of this is seen in the discussion of atheist typology, based in part on the Silver and Coleman paper on the topic. Silver and Coleman identify an "anti-theist" type, which they describe roughly as people who hate religious people. McGowan, I think from comments by the paper authors, suggests that such atheists might be people who had bad experiences leaving religion.
This description of the term "anti-theist" isn't in keeping with the way I use the term, which is more related to people who think religion is a bad thing, nothing about how they feel about religious people. (Like people who think smoking is a bad thing, but don't have any personal issue with smokers.) I understand that Silver and Coleman may have intended that sort of view to be included under some other term, but that isn't clear, and McGowan largely avoids addressing that view at all. Some people (I am one of them) do indeed think religion is a bad thing, but are perfectly fine with religious people, and may end up happily married (as I am) to a religious person. People don't reach that conclusion necessarily through a bad personal experience, but often through seeing the effects of religion in the world. I wish McGowan had addressed this a bit better.
January 7, 2016
In my social sphere I often hear about marriages breaking up due to one of the spouses losing faith and experiencing a transition of belief while the other remains faithful. This book dispels the myth that this must always be so, and he shares great suggestions and ideas to help a mixed faith relationship remain psychologically healthy for both couples. I highly recommend this book for all who find themselves in a mixed faith relationship.
Loving someone with different beliefs can help us look past the surface and see a great amount of common ground in our values. Plurality also helps avoid dogmatism.
"Dogma is an idea or principle that is to be accepted without question. Dogmatism then is the idea that your opinions and beliefs cant be questioned. To put it even more simply it describes a person’s unwillingness to allow that he or she might be wrong. It has nothing to do with how loud or confident you are and it doesn’t matter if the belief is formally inscribed somewhere or you are the only one on earth who holds it, all that matters is your own willingness to say no matter how confident you are, that you might be wrong. A religious person can be dogmatic if he dismisses even the remotest possibility that he could be wrong and an atheist can be dogmatic for precisely the same reason."
Loving someone with different beliefs can help us look past the surface and see a great amount of common ground in our values. Plurality also helps avoid dogmatism.
"Dogma is an idea or principle that is to be accepted without question. Dogmatism then is the idea that your opinions and beliefs cant be questioned. To put it even more simply it describes a person’s unwillingness to allow that he or she might be wrong. It has nothing to do with how loud or confident you are and it doesn’t matter if the belief is formally inscribed somewhere or you are the only one on earth who holds it, all that matters is your own willingness to say no matter how confident you are, that you might be wrong. A religious person can be dogmatic if he dismisses even the remotest possibility that he could be wrong and an atheist can be dogmatic for precisely the same reason."
February 20, 2016
I think this book is phenomenal for those who have a believer and a non-believer in their relationship. It lays out a way to help a mixed religious relationship really well. As this book describes, communication and non-judgmental attitudes are imperative. The book does not come across harsh on either side of the secular/religious spectrum but helps foster a more open minded view in the marriage. It does take compromise on both sides of the relationship. If either side is overbearing, it will put a tension on the relationship.
This book will definitely help our marriage greatly. We come from a shared beliefs marriage until I started doubting and questioning my beliefs, of which now I claim being non-theistic and maybe secular humanistic. Thanks to my wife's openness in my changing of beliefs (which I was scared beyond belief to tell her), I feel we have grown closer to each other even though we do not share beliefs. However, we still do share our values. Thank you Dale for sharing your experience in the book along with all the others who assisted.
This book will definitely help our marriage greatly. We come from a shared beliefs marriage until I started doubting and questioning my beliefs, of which now I claim being non-theistic and maybe secular humanistic. Thanks to my wife's openness in my changing of beliefs (which I was scared beyond belief to tell her), I feel we have grown closer to each other even though we do not share beliefs. However, we still do share our values. Thank you Dale for sharing your experience in the book along with all the others who assisted.
April 11, 2015
This was a really interesting book with lots of statistics about interfaith marriages. The biggest thing I took away from the book is that even if two people come from different religious backgrounds or differ in their religious beliefs, they can still have a strong marriage and a loving family through mutual respect for one another's beliefs.
When I first started reading the book, I actually almost put it down because there were one or two instances where I felt like the author either wasn't being fair or was ignorant about the Mormon and Jehovah's Witnesses faith. However, I'm glad I kept reading because I felt the author redeemed himself later on and I felt like I gained a lot of positive insights from this book.
I would recommend this book to anyone in an interfaith marriage or anyone curious about the struggles and strengths that others go through in an interfaith marriage. I would also recommend this book to anyone just curious about other beliefs or religions.
When I first started reading the book, I actually almost put it down because there were one or two instances where I felt like the author either wasn't being fair or was ignorant about the Mormon and Jehovah's Witnesses faith. However, I'm glad I kept reading because I felt the author redeemed himself later on and I felt like I gained a lot of positive insights from this book.
I would recommend this book to anyone in an interfaith marriage or anyone curious about the struggles and strengths that others go through in an interfaith marriage. I would also recommend this book to anyone just curious about other beliefs or religions.
July 13, 2015
Picked this up because I thought it would be helpful since I'm in a mixed faith relationship (him-agnostic, me-evangelical). If faith is a core part of who you are and how you make sense of the world and find your peace, in other words, if you're a serious believer and not just a Christian in name only, this is not the book for you. There's nothing new here: "don't try and convert the other", "talk about your differences upfront". I was done though when he said going to a pagan church would be a good compromise for mixed faith couples. Um, only if the believer didn't actually put any value on his faith. Having grown up in a rich, charismatic faith that is absolutely not an option at all. But then again the author is not a believer so to him I'm sure that seems reasonable. I wouldn't bother with this one.
February 2, 2015
As a Secular Humanist married to a Catholic (married for 7 years, together for 12) with two children, I'll say this goes through the process of making it work. I'm not sure if it would have been a big help when we were just getting started or not. I did like the stats showing that the predictions that mixed faith marriages are doomed to fail are greatly overblown and can attest to the fact that all the negotiations that go on strengthens communication skills going into the marriage.
Some bits were repetitive, literally copied and pasted from other chapters. Other than that it was a good read.
Some bits were repetitive, literally copied and pasted from other chapters. Other than that it was a good read.
February 25, 2016
I can't say enough good about this book. It gave me a sense of relief that I didn't realize I needed. I devoured it.
Dale McGowan writes to and about "secular-religious" couples: where one partner is religious and one is not. He distinguishes such pairings from interfaith partnerships, and this distinction turns out to be extremely helpful.
As a Christian about to be married to an agnostic, this book provided a helpful, practical non-judgmental set of ideas & suggestions, backed by studies and real-life case studies. My partner has agreed to read this as well and I look forward to the conversations we are sure to have.
Recommend to other secular-religious couples.
Dale McGowan writes to and about "secular-religious" couples: where one partner is religious and one is not. He distinguishes such pairings from interfaith partnerships, and this distinction turns out to be extremely helpful.
As a Christian about to be married to an agnostic, this book provided a helpful, practical non-judgmental set of ideas & suggestions, backed by studies and real-life case studies. My partner has agreed to read this as well and I look forward to the conversations we are sure to have.
Recommend to other secular-religious couples.
December 28, 2014
As A Course in Miracles student married to an athiest/humainist, I do not have the struggles that a person of a more orthodox faith may have in being partnered with a unbeliever. Regardless, his book gives expert advice on how to parent with a partner of a different faith. ALL of his parenting advice in all of his books are awesome, in my humble opinion :) Now everyone please go and read his book "Raising Freethinkers"!
January 24, 2015
Given the sparsity of books on the topic, I'd still recommend this one in spite of my low rating for it. I had mixed feelings about it due to the way it bent over backwards for religious beliefs. I'm all for working through a difference in worldview, but I won't act as if there is any validity to any religious worldview. I can love and respect the people who hold such a view, but I won't treat it any different than a view that, for instance, the earth is flat.
January 7, 2015
A very nice relationship guide written by an atheist/humanist. It's presented as primarily a "how to make it work" book, addressing couples who fall into the 40%+ of married couples in the US who are in mixed-religion or religious/non-religious partnerships. The main points are a little repetitive (communicate early and often, practice tolerance, be flexible) but overall I mostly agreed with him and the couples interviewed.
October 13, 2014
Clear and straightforward, this book gets points for lack of typos. This is an easy read with useful research and optimistic, non-biased advice.
August 22, 2016
I wish I would have read this years ago. It gives a great perspective on mixed-religion marriage.
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