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The Book of Zelph: Another Testament of the Book of Mormon
A gruesome crime scene. His beloved father beheaded. The prime suspect? His best friend. Will justice be served? Can he avenge the murder of his father? Join Laban the younger on an epic journey from Jerusalem to the American continent in search of Nephi, his one-time friend, now his arch nemesis. The Book of Zelph is the world's most true book. The real-life story of the founding of America from the perspective of the Lamanites, the principle ancestors of the Native Americans.
Who Was Zelph?
Perhaps the greatest person in American history was Zelph, the great white Lamanite warrior, who was slain during the last great struggle between the Nephites and Lamanites. His remains were discovered by Joseph Smith and Company in 1834, but not much was known about him. He has remained a cult hero among faithful latter-day saints for nearly 180 years. Until now, Zelph's memory has been kept alive through fantastic urban legends told around campfires and in early morning seminary. These tales can finally be put to rest, because Zelph can now speak for himself. Zelph fans rejoice, for Zelph's records have been discovered!! We can now read Zelph's own words, written by his own hand, upon plates!!
The Coming Forth of The Book of Zelph.
While pondering certain passages in The History of the Church, Volume 2, Josh Anderson came upon a passage that mentioned a great white Lamanite warrior named Zelph. This seemingly insignificant event would lead him on a journey to Zelph's final resting place. It was there, in a grove of trees, that Josh would come across the greatest archeological find since Joseph Smith purchased Abraham's writings from Michael Chandler. Josh was led to a hand cart overflowing with metal plates, which were the Lamanite records. He translated the abridgment of these plates, given to him by Zelph, into the Book of Zelph. For the entire story of the coming forth of the Book of Zelph, read Josh Anderson's testimony in the beginning of the book.
A Timely Discovery.
As archeological and DNA evidence appear to disprove the Book of Mormon, the Book of Zelph has come forward as a second witness to The Book of Mormon. The Book of Zelph fills in the scientific gaps of the Book of Mormon and explains the DNA controversy.
A Message From the Translator of This Work.
Thank you for taking the time to read about Zelph. Now that you have learned a little bit about Zelph, don't you want to learn more? I encourage you to take the next step and read the Book of Zelph, and then ask yourself if it really is true. If you read it and don't think it is true, re-read it and ask yourself again if you think it is true. If you have some dice, you may want to try Melph's promise of rolling the diece and getting a 7, as outlined in the final chapter of The Book of Zelph. In fact, you don't even need to read the book to do Melph's promise. I promise you that if you do the things I tell you, you will eventually discover for yourself that the Book of Zelph is true."
Sincerely,
Josh Anderson, Translator of The Book of Zelph
Who Was Zelph?
Perhaps the greatest person in American history was Zelph, the great white Lamanite warrior, who was slain during the last great struggle between the Nephites and Lamanites. His remains were discovered by Joseph Smith and Company in 1834, but not much was known about him. He has remained a cult hero among faithful latter-day saints for nearly 180 years. Until now, Zelph's memory has been kept alive through fantastic urban legends told around campfires and in early morning seminary. These tales can finally be put to rest, because Zelph can now speak for himself. Zelph fans rejoice, for Zelph's records have been discovered!! We can now read Zelph's own words, written by his own hand, upon plates!!
The Coming Forth of The Book of Zelph.
While pondering certain passages in The History of the Church, Volume 2, Josh Anderson came upon a passage that mentioned a great white Lamanite warrior named Zelph. This seemingly insignificant event would lead him on a journey to Zelph's final resting place. It was there, in a grove of trees, that Josh would come across the greatest archeological find since Joseph Smith purchased Abraham's writings from Michael Chandler. Josh was led to a hand cart overflowing with metal plates, which were the Lamanite records. He translated the abridgment of these plates, given to him by Zelph, into the Book of Zelph. For the entire story of the coming forth of the Book of Zelph, read Josh Anderson's testimony in the beginning of the book.
A Timely Discovery.
As archeological and DNA evidence appear to disprove the Book of Mormon, the Book of Zelph has come forward as a second witness to The Book of Mormon. The Book of Zelph fills in the scientific gaps of the Book of Mormon and explains the DNA controversy.
A Message From the Translator of This Work.
Thank you for taking the time to read about Zelph. Now that you have learned a little bit about Zelph, don't you want to learn more? I encourage you to take the next step and read the Book of Zelph, and then ask yourself if it really is true. If you read it and don't think it is true, re-read it and ask yourself again if you think it is true. If you have some dice, you may want to try Melph's promise of rolling the diece and getting a 7, as outlined in the final chapter of The Book of Zelph. In fact, you don't even need to read the book to do Melph's promise. I promise you that if you do the things I tell you, you will eventually discover for yourself that the Book of Zelph is true."
Sincerely,
Josh Anderson, Translator of The Book of Zelph
434 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 1, 2006
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
January 15, 2011
"And my father did strike the gravedigger's head with such might that the gravedigger's eyeballs did also pop out of their sockets, even like unto popcorn popping on an apricot tree." (1 Laban 4:8)
The Book of Zelph takes its name from a little known incident in Mormon history. In 1834, Joseph Smith raised a militia and marched to Missouri to "redeem Zion". Along the way, the militia uncovered some bones and an arrowhead in a mound. Joseph Smith declared that the bones belonged to Zelph, a white Lamanite general. (Incidentally, Zelph's arrowhead was last known to be in the possession of Brigham Young's daughter Zina Young Card.)
In the beginning of The Book of Mormon, God commands Nephi to kill Laban, for "it is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief." (1 Nephi 4:13) Hence, the Book of Zelph begins with Laban the Younger following Nephi and his family to the American continent seeking revenge against Nephi for murdering his father. He brings some Asian whores with him, thus explaining why Native Americans have Asian rather than Hebrew DNA, a fact modern Mormons have difficulty explaining.
The 13th chapter of 1 Nephi in The Book of Mormon contains specific prophecies about how the Book of Mormon ends, the coming of Jesus, Columbus, and the American war for independence. The Book of Zelph contains even more specific prophecies about Columbus, American independence, the Civil War, World War I, World War II, Vietnam, Watergate, the Cold War, Desert Storm, the 2000 election controversy, 9/11, the Iraq War, and the gay marriage debate.
There is a character in the Book of Mormon named "the brother of Jared" (After the Book of Mormon was published, Joseph Smith said his real name was Mahonri Moriancumer). Likewise, there is a character in the Book of Zelph named Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez who is called "the son of Abitch" for short. The Book of Mormon mentions animals called cureloms and cumoms, but it is unknown what type of animals they are supposed to be. The Book of Zelph makes fun of this by having people use cureloms and cumoms in chariot races and even has a character named Dances with Cureloms. In the Book of Mormon, Jacob 7:27 ends with the phrase, "Brethren, adieu." The Book Zelph takes this to the extreme ending numerous chapters in foreign languages. For example, 1 Laban 8:61 ends with "Wherefore, adios amigos."
The Book of Mormon often refers to white skin as "delightsome" and dark skin as "loathsome" and a curse. The Book of Zelph reverses this: "Wherefore, it was that Lemuel's dark skin, which was a curse from Nephi, doth makest him exceedingly good at satisfying the desires of women, which thing is a filthy abomination unto the Nephites, but which thing doth makest Lemuel, and us, exceedingly grateful unto Nephi for the curse." (2 Laban 7:22)
Those who believe the Book of Mormon is true like to point out that the Book of Mormon contains chiasmus just like the Bible. Thus, the Book of Zelph also contains chiasmus (Poems, Chapter 6). The Book of Poems also contains hidden acrostic messages which come up later in The Son of Abitch Code (a parody of the Davinci Code.)
My favorite part is when the Nephites try to get the Lamanites to join a pyramid scheme, poking fun at the fact that multi level marketing is rampant in Utah.
"And it came to pass that the wife of Arragornia did unveil her business plan, even did she teach it to me and mine daughters. And she spake her business plan, and it did involve us each teaching the plan to five other people, who would then teach the plan to five more people each, and so forth. And if we do follow the plan, yea, the wife of Arragornia doth promise us exceeding wealth, yea, even beyond our wildest dreams." (Whores 2:40-41)
The only people who will appreciate this book are former Mormons with a juvenile sense of humor. Faithful Mormons will be quite offended, while people who don't know that much about Mormonism won't get the jokes. The Book of Zelph is a good parody of the Book of Mormon which made me laugh out loud more than once.
The Book of Zelph takes its name from a little known incident in Mormon history. In 1834, Joseph Smith raised a militia and marched to Missouri to "redeem Zion". Along the way, the militia uncovered some bones and an arrowhead in a mound. Joseph Smith declared that the bones belonged to Zelph, a white Lamanite general. (Incidentally, Zelph's arrowhead was last known to be in the possession of Brigham Young's daughter Zina Young Card.)
In the beginning of The Book of Mormon, God commands Nephi to kill Laban, for "it is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief." (1 Nephi 4:13) Hence, the Book of Zelph begins with Laban the Younger following Nephi and his family to the American continent seeking revenge against Nephi for murdering his father. He brings some Asian whores with him, thus explaining why Native Americans have Asian rather than Hebrew DNA, a fact modern Mormons have difficulty explaining.
The 13th chapter of 1 Nephi in The Book of Mormon contains specific prophecies about how the Book of Mormon ends, the coming of Jesus, Columbus, and the American war for independence. The Book of Zelph contains even more specific prophecies about Columbus, American independence, the Civil War, World War I, World War II, Vietnam, Watergate, the Cold War, Desert Storm, the 2000 election controversy, 9/11, the Iraq War, and the gay marriage debate.
There is a character in the Book of Mormon named "the brother of Jared" (After the Book of Mormon was published, Joseph Smith said his real name was Mahonri Moriancumer). Likewise, there is a character in the Book of Zelph named Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez who is called "the son of Abitch" for short. The Book of Mormon mentions animals called cureloms and cumoms, but it is unknown what type of animals they are supposed to be. The Book of Zelph makes fun of this by having people use cureloms and cumoms in chariot races and even has a character named Dances with Cureloms. In the Book of Mormon, Jacob 7:27 ends with the phrase, "Brethren, adieu." The Book Zelph takes this to the extreme ending numerous chapters in foreign languages. For example, 1 Laban 8:61 ends with "Wherefore, adios amigos."
The Book of Mormon often refers to white skin as "delightsome" and dark skin as "loathsome" and a curse. The Book of Zelph reverses this: "Wherefore, it was that Lemuel's dark skin, which was a curse from Nephi, doth makest him exceedingly good at satisfying the desires of women, which thing is a filthy abomination unto the Nephites, but which thing doth makest Lemuel, and us, exceedingly grateful unto Nephi for the curse." (2 Laban 7:22)
Those who believe the Book of Mormon is true like to point out that the Book of Mormon contains chiasmus just like the Bible. Thus, the Book of Zelph also contains chiasmus (Poems, Chapter 6). The Book of Poems also contains hidden acrostic messages which come up later in The Son of Abitch Code (a parody of the Davinci Code.)
My favorite part is when the Nephites try to get the Lamanites to join a pyramid scheme, poking fun at the fact that multi level marketing is rampant in Utah.
"And it came to pass that the wife of Arragornia did unveil her business plan, even did she teach it to me and mine daughters. And she spake her business plan, and it did involve us each teaching the plan to five other people, who would then teach the plan to five more people each, and so forth. And if we do follow the plan, yea, the wife of Arragornia doth promise us exceeding wealth, yea, even beyond our wildest dreams." (Whores 2:40-41)
The only people who will appreciate this book are former Mormons with a juvenile sense of humor. Faithful Mormons will be quite offended, while people who don't know that much about Mormonism won't get the jokes. The Book of Zelph is a good parody of the Book of Mormon which made me laugh out loud more than once.
October 20, 2023
This is a mockery of the Book of Mormon
I’m no Mormon, but I’ve read their book. The Book of Zelph is fiction. Some might even call it blasphemy.
If you are an ExMo you might enjoy this immensely. I thought it was disrespectful.
I very much enjoy archeology. There are many parallels between the archeology of the Hopewell Indians and the people of the Book of Mormon. A lot of churches are built around the Bible, and one church is build around the Book of Mormon. Wether you need to build a church around ancient history or not in order to study the Christian Gospel is up to the builder.
Either way this book is sacrilegious.
I’m no Mormon, but I’ve read their book. The Book of Zelph is fiction. Some might even call it blasphemy.
If you are an ExMo you might enjoy this immensely. I thought it was disrespectful.
I very much enjoy archeology. There are many parallels between the archeology of the Hopewell Indians and the people of the Book of Mormon. A lot of churches are built around the Bible, and one church is build around the Book of Mormon. Wether you need to build a church around ancient history or not in order to study the Christian Gospel is up to the builder.
Either way this book is sacrilegious.
May 24, 2017
Irreverent and blasphemous, but also funny. I love and respect The Book of Mormon, but sometimes humor has its place. I burst out laughing at many points.
January 6, 2017
Nice try at faking Lamanite history
I was hoping to find another support from a scholar who had researched Lamanite findings and related a true history of the "Indian" side of concurrent events of the Book of Mormon. What I GOT was a fanciful plagiarism mixed with obvious modern references to events the author inserted from current history at the time the book was fabricated!
HOWEVER was interesting to see one way a person would have to write to equal the reality of a comparable book! Leading to greater proof that what Joseph Smith actually maintained was that the Book of Mormon WAS indeed translated as he claimed!
Anything approximating the Book of Mormon would have to plagiarize to simulate the original!
I was hoping to find another support from a scholar who had researched Lamanite findings and related a true history of the "Indian" side of concurrent events of the Book of Mormon. What I GOT was a fanciful plagiarism mixed with obvious modern references to events the author inserted from current history at the time the book was fabricated!
HOWEVER was interesting to see one way a person would have to write to equal the reality of a comparable book! Leading to greater proof that what Joseph Smith actually maintained was that the Book of Mormon WAS indeed translated as he claimed!
Anything approximating the Book of Mormon would have to plagiarize to simulate the original!
September 19, 2021
I think there will only be 3 responses to this book.
For those that are not/have never been Mormons they will just say it is an odd and silly book that doesn't make lots of sense.
For those that are believing Mormons, they will consider it crude blasphemy of what they consider a sacred religious text. It is best that they not even read this as they will be offended.
For those that deconverted from Mormonism they will laugh throughout the book at the specific details that Anderson brings in from an explanation of the current DNA of native Americans, references to MLM's, use of unknown foreign languages, and many other little items that many will not understand at all.
For those that are not/have never been Mormons they will just say it is an odd and silly book that doesn't make lots of sense.
For those that are believing Mormons, they will consider it crude blasphemy of what they consider a sacred religious text. It is best that they not even read this as they will be offended.
For those that deconverted from Mormonism they will laugh throughout the book at the specific details that Anderson brings in from an explanation of the current DNA of native Americans, references to MLM's, use of unknown foreign languages, and many other little items that many will not understand at all.
December 15, 2014
Great book!! Makes me laugh each time I read it.
April 19, 2018
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. It's just the kind of book you need to unwind and to take your mind of certain things. Very funny. Wonderfully written.
December 3, 2022
Funny amusing book loved it
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews