Parenting Without Borders: Surprising Lessons Parents Around the World Can Teach Us

by Christine Gross-Loh

A primer on the world's best parenting strategies—with eye-opening research on the surprising disadvantages lurking in the typical American childhood.

Research reveals American kids today lag well behind the rest of the world in terms of academic achievement, happiness, and wellness. Meanwhile the battle over whether parents are to blame for fostering a generation of helpless kids rages on. Christine Gross-Loh (who raised her young children in Japan for five years) exposes the hidden, culturally-determined norms we have about “good parenting,” and asks, are there parenting strategies that other countries are getting right that we are not? This book takes us from Finland, and Sweden to Germany, France, Japan, China, Italy, and more, and examines how parents successfully foster resilience, creativity, independence and academic excellence in their children. Revealing the surprising ways in which culture shapes our parenting, Gross-Loh also offers objective, research-based insight into what strategies are best for children and why.

Among her eye-opening findings:


Co-sleeping, typical in most of the world’s families, may promote independence in kids. American-style “hoverparenting” is unique in the world and can damage a child’s resilience. Finnish children, who rank among the world’s highest academic achievers, enjoy multiple recesses a day. Our obsession with self-esteem—a concept that doesn’t exist in many countries—may limit a child’s potential At last bringing empirical research to the debate, Parenting Without Borders offers new and provocative thinking on the secrets to raising a confident and capable generation.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Education, Childrens, Psychology, Self Help

322 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 2, 2013

Reviews

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some interesting ideas and I'm glad I read it but I found the tone of the book grating in parts because it seems biased. It's only semi-scientific as it frequently mixes research and anecdotes. Some examples of things I didn't like:

1) The book gushes about how wonderful parenting is in Japan and how happy children are. Never mentioned is that Japan has one of the world's highest suicide rates. I found online research that showed that in recent years the adolescent suicide rate in Japan has risen to to be twice as high as in the United States.

2) In the section on the importance of recess it says about the Naperville, Illinois school district: "School officials implemented a district-wide PE curriculum that focuses on fitness as opposed to sports, and then had students take some of their hardest subjects after exercising. As a result, Naperville students achieved stunning results on the Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study (TIMSS), a standardized test administered...to students worldwide." My problem with this sentence is the "as a result" part. Naperville is an affluent, highly educated suburb of Chicago and while it may be that the exercise program does help achievement to some extent, it is not the primary reason the students did so well on this test. If the US were to implement a great PE program in all our schools it would not miraculously make us the best in the world at math and science.

These are just a few examples. On the other hand, I did enjoy reading about different ways of parenting in other parts of the world and even read out loud some parts to my 10 and 12 year old.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think my problem with this book is how generalized it is. Gross-Loh paints a picture of adorable, polite, responsible Japanese children made out to be preferable to the hateful, rude, helpless American child. On the surface, she has a point. But it's not 100% accurate. (Note: she includes other cultures in her observations, but because of her personal experience in Japan, that dominated. I was okay with that. I lived in Japan during the same period she did, so I was interested in what she had taken away from her time there.)

My husband and I both taught Japanese schoolchildren in Japan, and there are plenty of spoiled, bratty children running around, yelling at their parents and bullying other kids. There are lazy Japanese children. Destructive Japanese children, even disrespectful Japanese children. I had adult students who disparaged at the lack of respect in young people. Japanese teenagers? Just as moody, sulky, and rebellious as and American teenager can be. Most adults considered that normal.

There were plenty of respectful, polite Japanese kids too. Just like there are in the States. I had some awesome students who were helpful and kind and all of the things Gross-Loh believes Japanese kids to be. But they weren't all like that.

I also have a problem with how excited she gets about young Japanese children walking to school and running errands all by themselves. It is very easy to do this in Japan, especially in urban areas. School for an elementary student might be a 30-minute walk, probably less. This is not true for a good number of American elementary school students. It would have taken me two hours to walk to my elementary school. It's not fair to compare the two countries in this regard. Not all of the country is like Cambridge. None of the states I have lived in have local rail systems. In Tokyo, it is often the best and easiest way to get around. What's practical in Japan is not necessarily practical in the States.

And finally, she mentions the "My First Errand" show in the final chapter, gushing about adorable preschoolers going to the corner 7-11 and picking things up for their parents. She neglects to mention how often the children break down into tears once they get there or spend all the money given to them on candy and toys. It happens. I wish she'd mentioned that Japanese preschoolers don't intrinsically know how to act or do the things they are told to do. They can be awesome to teach and interact with, but I had my fair share of hellions in my classes. They weren't all perfect little angels. (But I made that point already.)

Some things I agreed with - materialism is bad, politeness is important, responsibility should be encouraged. But for the most part, Gross-Loh gives anecdotes, not advice. I don't really feel like I learned anything about parenting from this book. It's an interesting read, but it didn't teach me much about raising my daughter.

[Liz Whittaker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful. My biggest takeaway is this: We try to make our babies too independent too fast, and then don't expect them to be independent enough later. In the U.S., we do things like "sleep training" and give our babies their own sleeping spaces so that they'll learn to be independent. But they're just babies--they aren't well-developed enough yet to even know what independence is. So then they spend the rest of their childhoods trying to get the love and attention from their parents they were craving when they were little. We teach them helplessness by not being there when they need us, so they feel they aren't centered enough to be independent and helpful when they're older.

This book gives a lot of research on things like co-sleeping (which is actually even SAFER than giving baby their own sleeping place, despite ad campaigns claiming otherwise), education, manners, and the importance of play. The author compares the U.S. to Asian, European, African, and South American cultures in terms of child-raising.

The unfortunate result of reading this book is that now I catch myself being really judgmental about how other people are raising their children. So sorry. I'm trying to let go of that. To each his own. I'm also feeling a little daunted about trying to raise a child they way Jacob and I want to raise our future children in the United States. There's just not a lot of support for families, and society kind of has its own set of ideas and expectations about raising children, and if you disagree and try to do something different, you're sort of swimming upstream.

All in all, insightful, interesting, and applicable to both parenting AND teaching.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I know that I have read too many parenting books when I pick up a new one and think, "There is no new information here." The title is somewhat misleading, as the author draws from a relatively few number of countries. This book is kind of a Japanese version of Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, with some discussion of the Scandavian countries (and even less about China and Korea) thrown in.

Gross-Loh is an American mother of 4 children who has raised them in both America and Japan. She picks multiple parenting topics (sleep, consumerism, food, self-esteem, hoverparenting, play, education, kindness and responsibility) and talks about how other countries do a better job than the United States. She advocates cosleeping, unstructured play-based early childhood education, teaching manners, giving children responsibility and expecting their assistance at home, giving children more freedom in their play.

For the most part, it felt like Gross-Loh took the things she liked about Japanese culture and went looking for research to back her up. Based on my kids' experience, I am very wary of the type of very unstructured early childhood education she advocates.

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Earnest read that seems targeted towards middle/upper middle class, highly educated audience. I enjoyed learning about how other countries foster true confidence, independence, and wellbeing in their children. Here are some of my main takeaways:

1) many families around the world do not hold the expectation that a child 0-3 be "independent."
Babies and children are allowed to co-sleep or families do not expect small children to conform to rule-following until developmentally appropriate. Paradoxically, allowing very young children to be nurtured and, well, babied creates an attachment foundation that leads to greater independence and security in later childhood.

2) at the same time, around the world children 3+ are often given greater autonomy and responsibility for taking care of their belongings and helping the household function. This helps children develop authentic confidence in their abilities and prevents learned helplessness. It helps children when they are allowed to do things themselves, even if that takes more patience and education on behalf of the parents.

3) other cultures invest in fostering awareness of others and kindness in 3+ children. This is prevalent in cultures that value collective harmony, and the value of mutual regard is often reinforced in schools through cultivating the practice of greeting and sharing meals at lunch.

4) It's possible to incorporate elements of cross-cultural child rearing, but it is probably a lot harder to do that in the US, where there's not agreement on how best to parent. The author uses some stories from her own experience to illustrate that; for example, how some parents privilege self expression over being kind, which can result in conflict.

I realized while reading this book that, as much as I am supportive of diversity and inclusion, I do wish certain foundations of decorum were embedded in our culture and reinforced collectively, including at school. Fostering responsibility for actions and regard for others (impact vs intention), learning how to disagree respectively, learning how to share meals together--these are super important skills now more than ever.

I'm glad the author wrote this book, because in many ways it created new possibilities about what's possible for children and families. The American way is not the only way, and there's much to be learned from other cultures.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting, well researched book about differences in child-rearing approaches (sleeping, feeding, independence, responsibility) across the US, Japan, China, and several European countries (I don't recall anything about India). While not meant to be a self-help book, the author does give suggestions at the end of each chapter how US parents might adopt some of the parenting styles (e.g., how to instill greater sense of responsibility to small kids, etc.).

The big take-away for me is that many of the things we think are "better" in other cultures are not implemented the way we think they would be. For example, Japan is often held up in the US as an example of academic excellence we should model here due to its longer school day and longer school year (that is, assuming having a longer school day and year in the US should automatically increase achievement here). However, all that extra time is NOT taken up by studying advanced calculus and Latin. No, as far as I can tell, the Japanese spend as much time as time on "hard" academic subjects as the typical high-achieving US school, and the rest of their day is spent in arts & crafts, music, sports/ gym, woodworking& shop, and home economics (for both boys and girls) and a longer lunch and AM and PM recess-even for high school kids; Finland, another academically high-achieving country has a similar curriculum. The reasons for that are that those countries believe that adding these "non-academic" subjects help make students both more rounded and self-sufficient and may lead to a career (home economics teaches self-sufficiency, music enriches brain development, wood working and shop may lead to careers for those who don't want to go to college, etc.). While I would love to see that type of public education in the US, somehow I can't see most school districts implementing it (especially since they have been cutting things which they deemed "fluff" like shop and home economics for years so they could add more focus on "hard" courses like math and science).

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Living abroad for a couple of years opened my eyes to the major differences in parenting around the world. As Gross-Loh illustrates, each culture has different parenting priorities and values, but our main objective is for our children to thrive. It was fascinating to read about how different cultures go about this.
Each chapter in the book focuses on a different subject (eating, independence, hoverparenting, ect). The author throws out stats, highlights how US parents address the subject, and then will give several examples how other cultures do it. For example, in the chapter on eating she outlines the eating habits of both Swedish and Japanese children. Both cultures thrive in this area, but go about in two completely different ways. By giving several examples, the author shows that there isn't one "correct" way of doing things. She gives info and examples for you to take or leave.
YES, there are definitely stereotypes in this book. Not every US parent is over-scheduling their kid and hovering at the playground. But so much of this book rang true. Also, I think some of the examples would be hard to apply in our US culture. You can let a Swiss 4 year old walk a mile to school unattended because the entire community works together to make sure that kids are safe dong this (cars actually stop at every cross walk and look for pedestrians!).
What I loved most about this book though is that it showed how much simpler we can be raising our kids. Less often is more.

[Kate Sergejeva · Rating 4 out of 5]

Мне понравилось. Практических советов мало или даже скорее нет, но очень занятно почитать про культурные и воспитательные различия разных стран. Много статистических данных, а так же результатов экспериментов. Интересующимся людям будет занятно. Читается легко, быстро и без занудства в отличии от обычных книжек касающихся образовательных моментов.

[Anas Ahamed · Rating 2 out of 5]

Alternate title: Parenting Across Mostly Japan, Some Scandinavia, and a Couple of Stray Anecdotes
Rating: 2 stars (one for effort, one for accidental insight)

Christine Gross-Loh’s Parenting Without Borders is kind of like being dragged on a guided tour you didn’t ask for, by someone who just came back from a semester abroad and now thinks they’ve cracked the code to child rearing and life. Imagine if someone read a couple of parenting blogs, moved to Japan, skimmed a UNICEF report, and then decided to rewrite the global parenting manual, this is that book, but with fewer receipts and more self-reassurance.

Gross-Loh opens with a sweeping disclaimer about how she’s only focusing on countries that rank high on some UNICEF child well-being index—because, you know, clearly the parents in the global south and Middle East just forgot to read the instruction manual. It’s like saying, “I’m writing about best practices,” while setting fire to entire continents and then acting like it’s totally fine because she said it nicely.

The book itself should’ve been called “Parenting While Confused: My Journey Through Japan, Scandinavian Interviews, and Mild Cultural Whiplash.” You can feel her wrestling with her own identity, raised by Korean parents, living in the U.S., clearly feeling like she’s stuck in a game of cultural tug-of-war. She keeps saying “we” when she talks about American parents, but every “we” sounds more like “them” if you read between the lines. It’s less a study of global parenting than it is a deeply personal exercise in “maybe I was parented wrong… or maybe you were.”

There’s a ton of Japan…like, almost too much Japan, probably because that’s where she finally planted her confused little flag(or may be because most Americans adores Japan). It’s where she seems to feel safe enough to question American norms, which she’s clearly skeptical of but also desperate to adopt. And when she sprinkles in Scandinavian ideas, it’s often through one-on-one interviews, not deep dives. (She casually name-drops Duke University’s cross-national research at the end like it’s a footnote for her vibe.)

Ironically, for someone talking about “borders,” she stays well within some very specific ones—both geographically and intellectually. There’s nothing from the global south, Middle East, or anywhere that might challenge her pre-made assumptions. And she rarely touches South Korea, her own ancestral homeland. You can practically feel her cringing at the idea of including it, either because she’s skeptical, or, more likely, because she doesn’t want to look too Korean while trying to be relatable to American readers. It’s a parenting memoir wrapped in global cosplay.

The real kicker? Despite trying to make sense of all this parenting philosophy soup, what she mostly ends up doing is cherry-picking practices she either finds adorable or vaguely affirming of her own internal conflict. Anything that makes her feel embarrassed about her own upbringing gets quietly thrown under the emotional bus.

If you’re American and convinced you’re doing everything wrong, this book might give you a warm blanket of cultural relativism. If you’re from literally anywhere else, you may find yourself wondering if your country forgot to RSVP to the Parenting Olympics.

In the end, the only useful takeaway I got was: don’t blindly copy parenting styles from cultures you don’t understand just because they’re trending in New York Times thinkpieces. For that rare gem of clarity, I begrudgingly give it 2 stars. The rest? Overhyped, under-researched, and trying way too hard to convince itself of something.

[Elizabeth ‘Andy’ Terrall · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although I had some difficulty finishing this book, I think it is an important work that many American parents need. "Need," but probably won't "get." I know that if I had read this four years ago, prior to living in another culture, I would not have understood it the way I do today. I found the last two chapters to be the most affecting, but that is no doubt due to my personal parenting philosophy being founded on kindness and self-responsibility.

Some criticisms:
- Most chapters dragged on; I often wonder if authors are pressured to get to a specific word count more than having substantial content. Too much paraphrasing, rewording, and summarizing--thus why it took me a year to finish.
- Although the book appears well-researched, with dozens of citations, there are still plenty of statements made with no source to back them up. A fair bit of it seems to be the author's opinion, informed admittedly, but still opinion. Some of the conclusions about studies were not always trustworthy.
- Others have complained that her writing seems to idolize certain other cultures, Japan in particular but Sweden a close second. The author does include brief disclaimers about all cultures having their own problems, etc., but very few problems in other cultures are detailed. This makes it come across less balanced than I would have hoped.
- The title claims to address parenting from around the world. In reality, it largely focuses on Japanese culture, with a little Chinese and Korean thrown in, plus the top European countries (Sweden, Finland, Norway, Switzerland, etc.). I don't think there was a single mention of an African country, and South America only made it in where there were studies that focused on Latino cultures (Guatemala, Brazil, and maybe another). It was certainly not a review of global parenting practices.

I can recommend this book to expat parents; those who are reconciling pros from another culture while trying to incorporate the best parts of their own. But, I fear that few American parents would gain much from it. For those, I'd first recommend getting a bit of real-world, hands-on exposure to other cultures and the recognition that American parenting isn't all it's cracked up to be.

[Abby · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was enlightening. My main takeaway is that parenting in the U.S. has unique benefits but also unique challenges--mainly, it can be a lonely and largely unsupported endeavor. She writes, "If you look at the range of human societies across the globe and throughout time, you find that it is unusual for a mother and her partner to take sole responsibility for pregnancy, birth, and the rearing of an infant." She quotes an expert: “As much as experts might assert that it ‘takes a village to raise a child,’ for most American parents, the village is absent.” Further, the American emphasis on the nuclear family and on individualism makes it somewhat hard to raise children who feel connected to a community and thereby naturally engage in empathetic and socially responsible behavior. This frustrates me as a parent, because I'm not sure how much I can do about it. (We aren't close to our neighbors, don't go to church, etc.)

Smaller takeaways:
1. If I had it to do over (my son is 6), I would definitely co-sleep. Maybe not always in the same bed, but in the same room at least. Expecting him to sleep alone caused so much unnecessary stress.
2. Don't feel guilty about not signing your kids up for every activity under the sun. They need unstructured play time.
3. Don't feel guilty about not playing WITH them all the time. That phenomenon is uniquely American.
4. From preschool age on, encourage kids to be as independent as possible and to contribute to the family's well-being (by doing simple chores, for example).

I might pick up Finnish Lessons: What the World Can Learn from Educational Change in Finland.

[Alexis Voelker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was constantly fascinated by this book and it’s really inspiring me to shape some ideas I want to do as a parent. It is just remarkable and so freeing that there ARE other ways to parent! The author is a super easy to read author and makes so many relatable points or questions. I got this from the library but I want to buy it because I loved so much about each chapter and took soooo many pictures to remember points on each page. The biggest flaw is that it’s called parenting without borders but pretty much the only countries she looked at were very homogenous countries (japan and Sweden were the main two) and only mentioned an African or South American country maybe one time each. Or some things that are admirable in other countries, just aren’t feasible as a parent here. For example, in Japan, children walk to school by themselves by 5 years old. But there is also much less road traffic as more people do public transportation and the whole community is looking out for the kids and has special announcements, training, and public broadcasts about walking to school. But that was good to think about the whole culture rather than just how often parenting here in America can feel judgy and black and white. Also her chapter on self esteem was FASCINATING and I think even non parents would find that chapter eye opening.

[A.B. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This unassuming book that I inherited when we moved to Doha has been one of my favorite parenting books (and that means a lot because, my word, how many are there...?). It is mostly philosophical, but is backed by loads of research reviews and has come during a time where I am ultra-cognizant of differing cultural practices in parenting (I'm trying to count how many nationalities were represented at the park this evening while I write this). It was affirming and inspiring and seemed to support a lot of what we've always tried to do, while providing encouragement for issues we waffle over. Stand-outs:
-the value of co-sleeping for fostering independence
-the ultimate importance of unstructured (and even unsupervised), outdoor play
-the importance of explicitly teaching manners and social norms to develop empathy
-the importance of hard-work and responsibility at an early age
-high expectations for our relationships with our adolescent children
-Education! This was actually more applicable for educators, which works well for me!

[Joella · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked reading this book. Though it seems like American parents are just way off on how they should parent. And those in countries like Japan are amazing at parenting. There were a few references as to how American parents may be doing okay. But for the most part it felt like a book saying how we are doing the whole parenting thing wrong. That being said, I do think we tend to overreact in many instances. And I don't disagree that some parenting habits aren't always the best. But how it was presented started to grate on me (at one point I even asked myself if the author thought American parents did anything right...but then she did point out some of the things that we did do well overall). So good, but I had to remind myself that these were general observations and we aren't all bad parents over here.

[Camille · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably my favorite parenting book that I've read thus far. Super fascinating to read what parents around the globe do and how it compares to typical American parenting. Learned a ton and feel like I have a ton of ideas to consider as a result of this book

[Kasie Patterson]

Audiobook on scribd.

Very interesting. I learned a lot

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating book looking at how parenting occurs in other countries/cultures. I felt it highlighted the positives without being negatively critical of countries/cultures that did things in different ways.

I wish I had read this book before I had children. I think it would have allowed me to approach some parenting choices differently.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting comparison of child development views around the world

In this book Christine Gross-Loh mainly focuses on child-raising beliefs in he US, Japan, and Sweden; she also shares accounts of parenting/education from Finland, China, South Korea, Kenya and Honduras.
Some chapters are a bit repetitive or rambling, I felt they could have been slimmed down. But overall the book was an interesting read. The author examines common cultural beliefs around things like co-sleeping, consumerism, eating habits, self-esteem, helicopter parents, play time, high academic exceptions, and teaching kindness and responsibility.

Quotes from book:
As she mulled over the fact that she never heard the term “picky eating” in Italy, she added, “I think that here [USA], kids learn to be suspicious of real food.”

The idea that our children are picky eaters might just be a cultural norm and a marketing strategy that doesn’t have to bind us. It’s possible for us teach our children to eat well. As a friend told me, we wouldn’t offer our child just one kind of book if we wanted him to become an avid reader: we can learn how to do the same with food.

Self-esteem doesn’t come from other people telling you how wonderful you are...It comes from overcoming something, from having done hard work, from persisting.

Research backs this up: it is parents who allow children freedom and independence within clearly set guidelines, while treating children with respect and love (as opposed to being top-down dictators) who tend to raise confident adults.

People with high self-esteem don’t always make good leaders; humility is more of a key trait than self-esteem. People with unstable high self-esteem—a combination of narcissism and high self-esteem—are more fragile and defensive, and prone to anger and aggression. Bullies often have high self-esteem (as did Adolf Hitler), and kids with high self-esteem who also have antisocial tendencies can twist their perceptions of themselves or other children.

Forget about self-esteem and concentrate more on self-control and self-discipline.

"My parents wouldn’t typically say that,” she told me. “You reach for something that makes sense. You try hard, but there’s no urging to go for the extreme. Having a good-enough life—just enough travel, toys, food—is all you need—just good enough so that you and your kids have it well, without going over the top.” [Swedish student]

Seventy percent of American college freshmen reported that their academic ability was above average or in the top 10 percent.

Chiemi, a Japanese mom living in Tokyo whose two children often played with ours, told me that in Japan there’s a popular saying, “Heavy work in youth makes for a quiet old age.” In other words, working and putting forth effort and facing challenges while you are young will pay off throughout the rest of your life.

While in our family David and I would often demonstrate our caring by doing things for our kids, Chiemi demonstrated her caring by having her kids do things for themselves.

“In Japan, many people think that the effort you make is more important than the result,” Chiemi explained to me carefully. “This is because we believe that making an effort, facing troubles, and overcoming them really help make you grow.

...researchers are discovering that perseverance is one of the most important keys to success and achievement.

...it’s less about what you’re born with than what you do. Up to a certain point everyone is capable of cultivating skills, even in art or music.

But we grew to realize high performance was within reach of anyone if you thought about it as the result of practice and effort. Self-expression was good, but so was giving children a chance to discover the excellence that they were capable of. The reason they performed so well was that everyone not only believed it to be possible, but recognized that mastering anything takes time and diligent practice.

An experienced teacher, Elena believes children aren’t fragile; in fact, they learn new things fast and adapt to new situations better than adults. But, she told me, “We can make them fragile by not teaching them how to overcome difficulties and struggle in order to achieve great results. We have to lead them through this process.”

She reminds them that life is littered with obstacles and difficulties. “You can go ahead of your child and move the rocks and get the fallen branches off and chase the bumblebees away. But at some point you won’t be there anymore. So our school philosophy was, let’s teach children to move the rocks. Or go over the branches. Or avoid the bumblebees. Let’s teach them to do it by themselves.” Webster worries that if we don’t let our kids mess up they can’t then overcome challenges or setbacks. “Try, try, and try—that’s how we learn. Kids feel very proud when they solve a problem, but I don’t think we let children solve problems anymore.”

Many Japanese adults believe excessive cautioning from grown-ups (“Be careful,” “Stop running,” “Play nicely,” “Slow down”) undermines a child’s growth.

In China and in many other Confucian-influenced Asian societies, parenting and education are closely entwined, and learning isn’t just for the purpose of becoming smart and informed—it’s a form of self-cultivation.

I began to understand that repeatedly giving thanks and always being polite was a social glue. It helped keep kids and adults from sliding into the all-too-easy habit of ignoring and overlooking others.

Always stand in the other person’s position and imagine things from his or her point of view.

As a psychologist, Shawn regularly works with the counterintuitive idea that actions can come before feelings. “In fact, it can really exacerbate problems like anxiety and depression to wait until we feel like doing something before we actually do it. It’s natural to believe that feelings must come before actions. But it’s just not true.” It’s true that children don’t understand what’s happening when they apologize, for example, and may not feel remorse at first. “But when they see and experience that things work out better when they use social skills, they will understand. We should not deny them that experience because it violates their ‘authenticity’ to require words like ‘I’m sorry’ when they don’t truly feel remorse yet. They are still learning.”

The more rituals and formulas are practiced, the more deeply ingrained and automatic they become. Sennett explains, “Rituals . . . transform objects, bodily movements or bland words into symbols.” Those symbols, which have such rich common meaning that everyone can understand, allow people to express far more than may appear on the surface.

It’s okay that these polite words are “formulas.” It’s not the actual words we say that matter so much as showing that we are thinking of the other person.

Sometimes what looks like rudeness in children is actually just social awkwardness. Children are inexperienced in the ways of the world. They can’t magically know how they’re expected to behave if no one has told them in advance.

We try to be consistent—we try not to let rude behavior slide—but not overly insistent.

Parents in other countries, where even small children are expected to clean up after themselves, help prepare meals, and take responsibility for getting themselves to and from school and other activities every day, would gape at this American trend toward helpless children. But to many American parents, though it frustrates and annoys us, it has become unremarkable.

[Divyesh Patel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book, but there was a clear bias on how parenting everywhere else was much better than parenting in America; it was kind of an insult in general to American upbringing and culture. The author showcased some good primary research from living in other countries and raising her kids, so that's why I gave it the extra star as that was worth reading. One star for ease of reading/understanding, and another star for good real-life examples of living and parenting in other countries.

The clear bias was at times frustrating to the point that it felt like every American parent was parenting wrong. I think I would have given it one more star if it showed less of a bias and showcased some examples of American parenting gone right, or that some specific American parenting/values brings out certain behaviors or characteristics vs other cultural parenting/values. Or maybe SOME optimistic facts on why America is great; it appeared like we suck at everything! I'd like to think that we have a very good university education system that people around the world would like to come to. I'd like to think that this country is still a dream haven for immigrants to migrate to. Maybe times have changed and I could be wrong, but then at least give a brief history on why people wanted to move and start families here in the first place.

[J · Rating 2 out of 5]

I recommend reading the last section “Conclusion: It Takes a Village” first. You will get a good feel for the author’s granola, UNISEF, UCLA-morals, “it takes a village” point of view. If you choose to read the entire book, you will be adequately prepared.

I did read the entire book and found it interesting in some parts. It was far from the most interesting or helpful foreign parenting book I’ve read though. The author leans heavily on her personal experiences in Japan and Sweden with anecdotal evidence from interviewing expat mothers. I found her “research” a bit suspect. It felt like a collection of opinions presented as scientific research.

In case you are wondering, the lessons roughly are:
1.) Co-sleep with your kids, including infants
2.) Buy less stuff for your kids
3.) Unclear - something about eating
4.) Praise kids less
5.) Pay less attention to kids
6.) Have fewer playdates & enrichment classes for your kids, have more recess in schools
7.) Unclear - put more pressure on kids?
8.) Get rid of standardized teaching in schools, focus on outreach to troubled children
9.) Teach kids manners
10.) Give kids more chores & personal responsibility

This author also wrote a book on how to go “diaper free” (toilet train) your infants by 18 months.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book, especially to parents of small children. It's a wonderful reminder/eye opener that what passes as unassailable truth in parenting in the US might be the complete opposite of how parenting happens in other parts of our planet - and the kids thrive. There is some wonderful insight into educational philosophy, raising children who are kind, the age at which children can be expected to take on certain responsibilities, and fostering self-esteem. The only reason I didn't give it a 5 is that in many chapters I felt like there needed to be more focus on how the children in the featured country benefited or were harmed by the given parenting practice. For instance, in the chapter on self-esteem, she wrote a lot about the benefit Japanese parents see in pushing their children to achieve, thus gaining self-esteem by achievement. She briefly mentions at the end of the chapter that maybe sometimes this can be taken too far. Knowing that the Japanese have the highest rates of suicide in the world, I felt like the potential negatives could have been more thoroughly discussed. Still well worth the read!

[Keren Threlfall · Rating 5 out of 5]

(More comprehensive review forthcoming. Excellent, excellent book encouraging American parents, in particular, to step back and look at the range of parenting practices across societies and over the course of history, rather than simply holding up the current American norm as best (or even normative for humans) simply because it is the American way. The American psyches that we esteem so highly (such as self-reliance, independence, and toughness; and that do indeed benefit us in other realms) play into how we treat our children and what we expect from them and ourselves far more than we realize. This is not a parenting book; but if you can read between the lines, this is a good book to cross-pollinate societal parenting observations into actual, practical parenting practices. This book combines so many of my passions, which earns it as place as a well-marked, heavily highlighted, paper copy resource for years to come.)

[Kitty · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my favorite genre of parenting books and this is the best one of the bunch. It was organized in a very clear way, and each chapter had a bad American example, positive examples from other countries, and a summary at the end that often showed practical ways to apply those values. Bringing up Bebe sometimes made me say, "no way! Bad idea!" And the Eskimo one (with no Eskimos) was completely impractical, I liked all of these parenting strategies.

[Lora · Rating 4 out of 5]

Can you tell the parenting section of our new library is right next to the kids' section? Hence it is sometimes the only section of adult books I can peruse while keeping tabs on my toddler. Maybe I'll come out a better parent as a result. :) Maybe that is the library staff's plan all along...

I thought this book was really interesting. Do I want to adopt every single parenting idea shared from various parts of the world? No. But it was captivating to read how some families do things quite differently... and their kids turn out just fine. For instance:
-90% or more of the rest of the world's parents co-sleep with their kids-- some until upper elementary school. Not saying I'm going to jump right into this one, but it was surprising considering how you're given the evil eye if you confess to co-sleeping in the U.S. :)
-Japanese parents tend to go really light on the discipline when their children are young because they feel confident that their children will naturally grow out of all their various stages of delinquency :) and become mature, socially-acceptable young adults... even without a barrage of time-outs, groundings, lectures, etc. Intriguing.

Some of this book gets a little dry. Not gonna lie. I dragged myself through a couple of the chapters. It also seems contradictory at times, and maybe on purpose. Culture A does this, and their kids turn out fine. Culture B does this (completely opposite from A), and their kids turn out fine too. However, I got some good take-aways from it:
1. Hover less and trust my kids more. Allowing kids to take small risks helps them to learn their own limits, and can thus avert their stepping into bigger dangers in the future... When you're not there to help. Translation: Scraped knees help prevent broken bones. :)
2. Allow time for unstructured play. Planned activities with all the right props are not always the best. Translation: It's okay to let kids get "bored". Then they can get creative.
3. Hold children responsible for contributing to the family and for showing manners in social settings. Translation: It's okay to make your kids do chores... and to say "sorry" (even if they don't mean it just yet). Stuff likes this reminds them that the world is bigger than just them.

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

I try not to review books that I do not finish but…

Honestly I couldn’t make it past the first chapter on sleep training. The book looked at baby sleep in families around the world, and did a good job of showing that the American obsession with baby sleep is really an outlier.

Where I ran into immediately trouble was the lack of a why. The author identified a need for independence as key to this American approach, but I’ve done plenty of reading on sleep training and, yes the word independent is one of the most common words in sleep training literature. However it is never about the baby being independent, but helping the baby to fall asleep independently. That’s very different! It’s either lazy to conflate the two or a significant lack of understanding.

But my biggest issue is that the chapter never once looked at maternal health and the childcare situations in these various countries. Yes, American parents are obsessed with baby sleep. Did the author never once consider that it’s because that the US is the only one of the countries in which parents were interviewed where there is no national maternity leave? That mothers who do get leave typically consider themselves lucky if they get 12 weeks at some level of paid? That trying to go back to work with a 12 week old baby means that you are simply incapable of not getting sleep while doing the job you rely on for your family’s financial health? If a mother had two years of maternity leave as many women do in European countries, getting your child to sleep isn’t the desperate struggle it is in the US. Never once did the author look at the huge disparity in maternity leave or support for working parents - again, just in the chapter on sleep training, maybe she addressed it separately, but to me this is an integral part of why American parents are so keen to get their kids to sleep! I don’t know of any American parents who sleep trained who weren’t also working at the time of sleep training.

Truly it felt willful how the author seemed to put the burden on American parents for being so concerned and rigid about baby sleep and gave no attention to the societal structures that send American parents back to work often long before their babies are developmentally ready to sleep through the night.

[Sona Ispiryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Интересное сравнение воспитательных традиций разных стран. Не знаю, насколько правдоподобно, но были логичные мысли.

Вот некоторые интересные идеи:

ПРО ЕДУ
В Швеции детям дают выбрать, что кушать в пределах, установленных родителями (например, что ты хочешь из того, что есть в холодильнике). Таким же образом предоставляют свободу в других сферах - свободу в рамках очерченных родителями границ.

Во многих семьях есть традиция одного дня сладостей в неделю - день, когда ребёнок идет в кондитерскуб, выбирает сладость и кушает в кругу семьи. В остальные дни сладости не едят.

Французы едят по расписанию, и дети тоже, вместе с родителями.


ПРО САМООЦЕНКУ
Японские дети анализируют свои достижения в ключе: над чем мне необходимо поработать (vs: в США советуют сосредоточиться на том, что хорошо выходит).
Учат ребенка, что проблема - это возможность.

Хвалить не статичные качества (как ум), а динамичные (старания, прилежание, стойкость - качества, которые развил в себе ребенок). Пример статичного: "Ты показал великолепный результат! Наверное, у тебя талант!"
Пример динамичного: "Ты отлично справился! Видно, как ты старался / сколько усилий приложил. "


ПРО УЧЕБУ
Важно не то, сколько дети знают и что они узнали, а важно само стремление к знаниям и радость от их применения в жизни.

ПРО ДОБРОТУ И ВЕЖЛИВОСТЬ
Воспитывая свободомыслящих детей, считающих самым важным в жизни личное счастье, можно воспитать не чувствительного к окружающим, зацикленного на себе ребенка.

Важно установить правила и научить взаимодействовать с миром, принимая во внимания не только свои, но и чужие чувства.

Важно научить ребенка вежливости. Быть вежливым значит понимать, что ты не пуп земли.

[Dolly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offers an engaging and well-researched comparison about parenting philosophies across different cultures. The author is well-traveled and has provided an insightful look at how Americans contrast against people from other countries. I was impressed with her ability to concisely discuss concepts such as caring for infants, the material possessions we buy for our children, the food we provide, how we monitor and educate our children, the way we supervise our kids, the activities we occupy their time with, and the morals, kindness, and sense of responsibility we instill in our children.

Overall, it's an enlightening book and a sincere attempt to give parents an understanding of different methods of successfully raising children that may be different from our own. I really enjoyed reading this book and got some reassurances that some of my 'lazy parenting' practices might not be so strange or even detrimental after all.

interesting quotes:

"Scholars from a variety of disciplines are discovering that the keys to raising resilient, compassionate, competent children can be found in the simplest practices. Often it means doing less, like giving kids time to play away from adult eyes, even if that means they will have disagreements with their friends that an adult won't help them solve. Sometimes it means doing more, like requiring them to do regular chores so they feel competent and needed." (p. 9)

"The most successful parenting practices are consistent, reinforced by others, and have conviction behind them. Parenting is so much easier if raising children is not up to an individual parent or family, but is considered a community mandate that everyone shares." (p. 10)

"Observing mother-baby pairs in slumber, McKenna found that co-sleeping mothers' and babies' sleep cycles tended to be remarkably synchronized, which helped the mother get more restful sleep because she and the baby tended to enter lighter sleep at the same time. Tending to a baby who is right there next to her, when she's in a light stage of sleep anyway, isn't as disruptive to a mother's sleep as having to rouse herself out of a deep, groggy sleep, get out of bed, and walk to another room." (p. 19)

"When it came to raising children, most parents I met felt that it was important to get kids accustomed to less from the start. It is better for their characters, their imagination, their resourcefulness, and their future lives not to experience immediate or excessive material gratification." (p. 44)

"What can we learn from other cultures where consumerism isn't so rampant? The first step is to recognize and trust that providing less for our kids really is a viable pathway to things that matter too, things - such as creativity, resourcefulness, moderation, self-restraint, and self-satisfaction - that kids carry with them far longer into their future lives than the material goods they ask for today." (p. 54)

"The Japanese believe that knowing that someone believes in you enough to be strict toward you gives you confidence." (p. 103)

"Recess itself isn't just just an aid to learning; it is itself educational. Free play during recess is cognitively beneficial, as children who play with one another need to juggle and incorporate another person's perspectives and views. This is a challenging but important cognitive task for them to master, and is one of the building blocks for future creativity, which requires the ability to step outside your own limited experience of the world. Studies show that peers, rather than adults, contribute to more sophisticated imaginary play, because their stories and suggestions help to collectively take the play to a new and higher level." (p. 158)

"Our teens care about their parents' high regard for them more than we are led to believe, and the cultural idea that kids rebel against high parental expectations is not borne out by evidence: for example, research on American adolescents; drug and alcohol use shows that teens who are emotionally close to their parents and know they disapprove of substance use are more likely to abstain." (p. 188)

"Although as parents we must teach our children to speak up when they are in danger in order to keep them safe, we have an equal responsibility to teach them to be conscientious and kind on a daily basis." (p. 220)

"Sometimes what looks like rudeness in children is actually just social awkwardness. Children are inexperienced in the ways of the world. They can't magically know how they're expected to behave if no one has told them in advance." (p. 230)

"Doing household chores (particularly from a young age, around three or four) is a strong predictor of success later on in life, including abstaining from drugs, graduating from college, and getting a job. Other research indicates that children who are more hardworking in tangible ways are more 'nurturant' and 'sociable,' and even have a more developed moral sense and awareness of other people's needs." (p. 239)

Cleaning isn't considered a menial task in Japan. Influenced as Japan is by Buddhist thinking, cleaning is thought to help train the mind and lead to spiritual awakening." (p. 244)

"Parents in cultures where children are expected to competently help out, take care of others, and be responsible for themselves and their younger siblings benefit from the ways these expectations consistently reinforce one another." (pp. 257-258)

"It would be a powerful combination if we taught our children that, yes, their questions, opinions, talents, and accomplishments are genuinely important, and that kindness, empathy, self-reliance, and community are important as well." (p. 269)

"The relationships we have with our children change over time - as our children grow and go through different life stages and as we, too, change, But it turns out that what our children need as they become adolescents is remarkably similar to what they needed as young children: parents who maintain warm, loving relationships with them while at the same time providing them with clear and consistent boundaries, who give them the right kind of autonomy when they are ready for it, who provide them with the tools, encouragement, and practice they need to manage their own lives, and who believe in and support their ability to become competent, happy, successful, and responsible adults." (p. 270)

new word: liminal

[Nhan P. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parenting without borders but seem to be limited to a small samples of countries, mainly Japan and Sweden.
Somehow I found the book not persuasive enough or at least, some comments seem to be generalized.
"If an American baby is crying at night, her mother of course knows the baby is distressed, but her reaction to this shaped by the idea that good parents help their babies get used to separation, because this will give them confidence." My point is that, are you sure when the bay cries at night, he/she is distressed? There are differences between baby's need and want. I would say, it is more important to distinguish and thus, respond correspondingly.

The point of "too much stuff" seems to apply to other countries as well, not just America. Moreover, I think, it would be more family focus than society focus though American parents tend to be exposed to too much baby stuff and advertisement thanks to the booming and development of consumer market. "Our child-centric culture encourages us to view each and every child as "economically worthless, but emotionally priceless."

Children tend to eat more unhealthy food. "In the past thirty years, portion sizes have grown astronomically, a cookie today is 700% bigger than it was in 1970s." Is your child born to be picky at food? Can you encourage them to eat healthier? "A 2012 study of fifth-grade children in Canada found that the more often the kids helped to prepare and cook meals, the more likely they were to eat vegetables and fruits."

Raising a confident or self-esteem kid? Maybe raising a self-control and self-discipline is more important. Should you get involved when your child's playing with friends? Can kids become self-controlled as they grow up? "When an environment is too sterile and safe, children may be driven to truly unsafe behavior.

Are artificial simulation and Mozart make your child smarter? Too much time spent on early enrichment take away time for children's imagination.

[Christine Kenney · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting survey that is most heavily focused on differences between Japan and America due to the author's personal journey with some supplemental phone interviews and visits to compare notes with other countries. I would imagine actual parents find this read in part a relief to abandon guilt they aren't micromanaging their child's calendar enough and in part frustrating as many of these "superior" parenting styles are possible because they are supported by a shared perspective from educators, the community at large, and policy makers. In short, things that will change gradually over years, if at all.

Lately, I've also found myself questioning the nostalgic claim that the current generation is a disappointment when held to the standards of bygone eras. Maybe this warrants a book in and of itself since it seems like "kids these days...*eye roll*" has been a cliche across generations. A few anecdotes in this book about grandparents who managed errands at a young age wasn't particularly persuasive, particularly when coupled with an appreciation that their community was also likely to be of a less massive and impersonal scale and more likely to support them.

[Lauren Duke]

DNF about 25% through. I thought this would follow suit of Bringing Up Bebe and be the authors experience, but it was a lot of “Americans are doing it wrong” instead of “this is how other cultures do things”. Which honestly, we MIGHT be doing it wrong. But I didn’t find it helpful, nor was I looking for a parenting “how to” book.

I can imagine the guilt I would have felt reading this book if I had read it when my kids were younger.

It starts with a chapter on sleep. This chapter sent me into a rage 😂😂😂. She compares American sleeping to other countries, and while it was interesting to see how other countries handle babies sleeping, she does not address the issue that Americans cannot have their kids sleeping with them and up all night when mom‘s have no paid guaranteed maternal leave and have to get back to work right away. OF COURSE I was preoccupied with my kids sleeping through the night alone in their crib, because I had to go back to work and use my brain for my very important job and needed to be rested to do that.

I honestly didn’t make it much further than that.