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1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married: Prepare for Your Marriage Before You Say "I Do"
The relationship expert from the Ladies' Home Journal, the Wall Street Journal, and Lifetime Television shows how to prevent marriage problems before they start
There's nothing wrong with starter jobs and starter homes, but starter marriages? Relationship expert Monica Mendez Leahy is on a mission to help readers make their marriage last. Her 1,001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married offers a reality check for couples on the marriage path, helping them realize how much they have yet to discover about their partner's nature, thought processes, lifestyle, and marital expectations.
Engaged couples learn to discuss issues deeper than "chicken or fish" and to broach subjects that are often ignored before the nuptials yet essential for the foundation of an intimate, long-lasting relationship. Posed in a variety of fun formats, including multiple choice, fill-in-the-blank, and hypotheticals, these questions include topics such
"Does your partner feel that you're too attached to your parents?""Is there such a thing as innocent flirting?""Is it OK to cheat on your taxes?"And more
There's nothing wrong with starter jobs and starter homes, but starter marriages? Relationship expert Monica Mendez Leahy is on a mission to help readers make their marriage last. Her 1,001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married offers a reality check for couples on the marriage path, helping them realize how much they have yet to discover about their partner's nature, thought processes, lifestyle, and marital expectations.
Engaged couples learn to discuss issues deeper than "chicken or fish" and to broach subjects that are often ignored before the nuptials yet essential for the foundation of an intimate, long-lasting relationship. Posed in a variety of fun formats, including multiple choice, fill-in-the-blank, and hypotheticals, these questions include topics such
"Does your partner feel that you're too attached to your parents?""Is there such a thing as innocent flirting?""Is it OK to cheat on your taxes?"And more
321 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 6, 2004
158 people are currently reading
576 people want to read
About the author
Monica Mendez Leahy
7 books6 followersMonica Mendez Leahy has been helping couples prepare for marriage
for over twenty years, and has married over 100 couples as Deputy
Commissioner of Civil Marriages for the County of Los Angeles.
She hosts a popular series of couples' workshops in the Los Angeles area
and provides private classes to engaged and newlywed couples around
the world. Her advice on relationships is frequently sought after and has
been featured in the Ladies Home Journal and the Wall Street Journal
and on Lifetime Television. She has served on panels along with notable
authors such as John Gray, of Venus and Mars fame and Harville Hendrix.
Couples can also seek her advice through www.1001questionstoask.com
for over twenty years, and has married over 100 couples as Deputy
Commissioner of Civil Marriages for the County of Los Angeles.
She hosts a popular series of couples' workshops in the Los Angeles area
and provides private classes to engaged and newlywed couples around
the world. Her advice on relationships is frequently sought after and has
been featured in the Ladies Home Journal and the Wall Street Journal
and on Lifetime Television. She has served on panels along with notable
authors such as John Gray, of Venus and Mars fame and Harville Hendrix.
Couples can also seek her advice through www.1001questionstoask.com
Ratings & Reviews
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
April 21, 2020
کتاب همونطور که از اسمش پیداست، شامل یک سری پرسش‌های پیشنهادیه که در موقعیت پیش ازدواج و برای آشنایی بیشتر و عمیق‌تر می‌تونه مطرح بشه.
پرسش‌ها در زمینه‌های مختلف و متفاوتیه و به نظرم می‌تونه به فرد ایده بده که حتی از دل هر سوال، پرسش‌های دیگه‌ای مطرح کنه و کند و کاو رو گسترش بده.
به نظرم این کتاب نه فقط برای کسی در آستانه‌ی ازدواج، بلکه برای هر کسی با تصمیم به اینکه روزی ازدواج کنه می‌تونه مفید باشه چون ذهن آدم رو تحریک می‌کنه که نیازه چه شناخت‌هایی در مورد خودش داشته باشه و معیارهاش برای ازدواج چه چیزایی هست. همینطور می‌شه بهتر فهمید که چه چیزهایی رو بعدها نیازه تو طرف مقابل بهش توجه کنه.
با این حال ضعف کتاب این بود که گاهی نیاز بود برای به‌ویژه بعضی سوالات، مقدمه‌چینی اتفاق بیفته و بعضی سوالات هم بهتره با احتیاط بیشتری مطرح بشه.
در کل، کتاب خوبیه، مخصوصا اگر به عنوان ایده گرفتن برای شناخت خود و طرف مقابل ازش استفاده بشه.
-------------------
یادگاری از کتاب:
در جست و جوی همسر، نه تنها به دنبال شخصی می‌گردیم که آینده‌مان را با او سهیم شویم، بلکه فردی را می‌خواهیم که بخشی از گذشته‌مان نیز با او مشترک باشد.
...
خردمندی گفته است: «هیچکس نمی‌تواند بدون اجازه شما از شما سوءاستفاده کند.»
...
«احساس خوشبختی، ناشی از انجام کارهایی نیست که دوست داریم، بلکه از دوست داشتن کارهایی است که مجبوریم انجام دهیم.» ویلفرد پیترسن
پرسش‌ها در زمینه‌های مختلف و متفاوتیه و به نظرم می‌تونه به فرد ایده بده که حتی از دل هر سوال، پرسش‌های دیگه‌ای مطرح کنه و کند و کاو رو گسترش بده.
به نظرم این کتاب نه فقط برای کسی در آستانه‌ی ازدواج، بلکه برای هر کسی با تصمیم به اینکه روزی ازدواج کنه می‌تونه مفید باشه چون ذهن آدم رو تحریک می‌کنه که نیازه چه شناخت‌هایی در مورد خودش داشته باشه و معیارهاش برای ازدواج چه چیزایی هست. همینطور می‌شه بهتر فهمید که چه چیزهایی رو بعدها نیازه تو طرف مقابل بهش توجه کنه.
با این حال ضعف کتاب این بود که گاهی نیاز بود برای به‌ویژه بعضی سوالات، مقدمه‌چینی اتفاق بیفته و بعضی سوالات هم بهتره با احتیاط بیشتری مطرح بشه.
در کل، کتاب خوبیه، مخصوصا اگر به عنوان ایده گرفتن برای شناخت خود و طرف مقابل ازش استفاده بشه.
-------------------
یادگاری از کتاب:
در جست و جوی همسر، نه تنها به دنبال شخصی می‌گردیم که آینده‌مان را با او سهیم شویم، بلکه فردی را می‌خواهیم که بخشی از گذشته‌مان نیز با او مشترک باشد.
...
خردمندی گفته است: «هیچکس نمی‌تواند بدون اجازه شما از شما سوءاستفاده کند.»
...
«احساس خوشبختی، ناشی از انجام کارهایی نیست که دوست داریم، بلکه از دوست داشتن کارهایی است که مجبوریم انجام دهیم.» ویلفرد پیترسن
May 17, 2011
Some of the questions in this book are sexist, but overall, it was a helpful book.
September 23, 2014
Some of these questions are just ridiculous! It gave us a good laugh, though.
September 7, 2025
The book is written for a middle class white Christian woman, who has already received her proposal from her fiancee. Somehow, they know each other very little. It is likely an arranged setup by their families or social circles. So the book starts with ensuring that those social circles gel well. Towards the later half of the book, are interpersonal connections between the individuals involved in the marriage are discussed.
This was off putting, especially since the author insisted on reading the book sequentially.
The use of the word partner was annoying, when it clearly meant husband. The book is from the perspective of a woman marrying a man. It is not from the perspective of her future husband, or anyone from a same sex couple.
The order of reading the book which made sense to me and the salient points from those sections:
* How to discuss your differences
* Part 9: Physical Intimacy
This part overall could have been written more elaborately, given infidelity is a top cause of separation/divorce. Chapter 42, What, where and how often had good questions.
* Part 10: Emotional Intimacy
This part was well written.
- Chapter 46 - The real you is a great list for evaluating and understanding emotional traits of yourself & your partner. I was listening to attachment theory podcast and a quote which stuck with me is Emotions help guide your needs.
- Chapter 47 - Showing how you feel is about self reflection to find those needs as well as coming up with tangible actions about how you want to be supported when going through those emotions.
* Part 7: Leisure Time - how you relax, traveling style, having fun
* Part 1: Your past - growing up, parents/divorce, school, friends
* Part 13: Marriage builders or breakers - communication, friendship, personality type, habits that drive couples apart, live-in
* Part 5: Perspectives - religion, politics, career, race, culture, future.
Chapter 26 about future was open ended but a good place to talk about how the coupe envisions their life at several milestones of their being together.
* Part 3: Significant Others - friends, relatives, exes.
Chapter 10 & 11 were great. A yes/no questionnaire about your relationship with your relatives & friends vs your partner's relatives and friends.
Chapter 13 on exes and chapter 14 on colleagues/public behaviour were also relevant.
* Part 6: Daily Life and Lifestyles - routine and dividing house responsibilities.
- Chapter 27 - Who will do what is a good overview of discussing about dividing household responsibilities.
- Chapter 29 on Changes about behaviour once together will provide perspective too.
- Chapter 30 on Do you mind is great - it lists a bunch of annoying habits which can build resentment if they keep continuing on. The list can be customized to add more items - this provides space for discussing such things openly.
* Part 8: Finances
- Chapter 36 - Managing your money has the relevant questions for outlook to money in a relationship.
- Chapter 39 - Our First Budget has a nice actionable questionnaire for dividing expenses.
- Chapter 37 - when times get tough is the shoe string budget version.
* Part 2: Parents and in-laws
Picking sides & boundaries between parents vs partner. in-law's opinion of you & vice versa.
* Part 4: Children
* Part 12: Your Wedding
* Part 11: Special Situations - marrying criminal, celebrity, non citizen, age gap.
What did I get out of this book?
How to discuss your differences - this section was the best in the book, this was even before the actual chapters began.
1) Think and try to pinpoint the cause of friction.
2) Decide, go over your mind how you will explain your feeling and request change. Strive to present your case in the clearest and least offensive way possible.
3) Keep it short and simple, without including distracting points.
4) Listen - understand their opinion and paraphrase. Don't focus on having your point understood.
5) Agree on an ending. Don't demand more than either of you is capable of giving. Learn to know when to "let it go". Do not harbor resentment the rest of the week over a disagreement.
This was off putting, especially since the author insisted on reading the book sequentially.
The use of the word partner was annoying, when it clearly meant husband. The book is from the perspective of a woman marrying a man. It is not from the perspective of her future husband, or anyone from a same sex couple.
The order of reading the book which made sense to me and the salient points from those sections:
* How to discuss your differences
* Part 9: Physical Intimacy
This part overall could have been written more elaborately, given infidelity is a top cause of separation/divorce. Chapter 42, What, where and how often had good questions.
* Part 10: Emotional Intimacy
This part was well written.
- Chapter 46 - The real you is a great list for evaluating and understanding emotional traits of yourself & your partner. I was listening to attachment theory podcast and a quote which stuck with me is Emotions help guide your needs.
- Chapter 47 - Showing how you feel is about self reflection to find those needs as well as coming up with tangible actions about how you want to be supported when going through those emotions.
* Part 7: Leisure Time - how you relax, traveling style, having fun
* Part 1: Your past - growing up, parents/divorce, school, friends
* Part 13: Marriage builders or breakers - communication, friendship, personality type, habits that drive couples apart, live-in
* Part 5: Perspectives - religion, politics, career, race, culture, future.
Chapter 26 about future was open ended but a good place to talk about how the coupe envisions their life at several milestones of their being together.
* Part 3: Significant Others - friends, relatives, exes.
Chapter 10 & 11 were great. A yes/no questionnaire about your relationship with your relatives & friends vs your partner's relatives and friends.
Chapter 13 on exes and chapter 14 on colleagues/public behaviour were also relevant.
* Part 6: Daily Life and Lifestyles - routine and dividing house responsibilities.
- Chapter 27 - Who will do what is a good overview of discussing about dividing household responsibilities.
- Chapter 29 on Changes about behaviour once together will provide perspective too.
- Chapter 30 on Do you mind is great - it lists a bunch of annoying habits which can build resentment if they keep continuing on. The list can be customized to add more items - this provides space for discussing such things openly.
* Part 8: Finances
- Chapter 36 - Managing your money has the relevant questions for outlook to money in a relationship.
- Chapter 39 - Our First Budget has a nice actionable questionnaire for dividing expenses.
- Chapter 37 - when times get tough is the shoe string budget version.
* Part 2: Parents and in-laws
Picking sides & boundaries between parents vs partner. in-law's opinion of you & vice versa.
* Part 4: Children
* Part 12: Your Wedding
* Part 11: Special Situations - marrying criminal, celebrity, non citizen, age gap.
What did I get out of this book?
How to discuss your differences - this section was the best in the book, this was even before the actual chapters began.
1) Think and try to pinpoint the cause of friction.
2) Decide, go over your mind how you will explain your feeling and request change. Strive to present your case in the clearest and least offensive way possible.
3) Keep it short and simple, without including distracting points.
4) Listen - understand their opinion and paraphrase. Don't focus on having your point understood.
5) Agree on an ending. Don't demand more than either of you is capable of giving. Learn to know when to "let it go". Do not harbor resentment the rest of the week over a disagreement.
May 29, 2018
My wife and I started going over this book within the first year we were together. Fast forward, now married, we found the book and decided to finish it. So, parts of it we skipped. However a lot of these questions we thought were good for those starting out. Some of them are written with a sense of humor, which always took us by surprise. Others are very loaded questions that almost seem to try and test the new relationship.if you’re looking for such a book As this I think this will do the job.
March 14, 2021
Most of the concepts around these questions are naturally answered by communication with your spouse in the early years of a relationship, especially if you live together before marriage. There are also a lot of questions that certain answers to would be huge red flags, but it doesn’t give much advice on how to overcome issues related to those red flags.
August 7, 2019
We have been married almost 15 years and still some of the important conversations we had in relation to this book inform our lives.
August 18, 2019
Now husband and I went through ALL of it before we got married. Good questions that made us realize how much our values were aligned.
Read
February 21, 2020"هیچ گاه با این باور که شما می توانید فردی را تغییر دهید، با او ازدواج نکنید."
نگاه تازه ای به همسر و ازدواج
به وقت 2 اسفند ماه 1398:)
نگاه تازه ای به همسر و ازدواج
به وقت 2 اسفند ماه 1398:)
January 18, 2021
gila banget ini buku!
February 16, 2023
Some questions are quite outdated, but overall it sparked a lot of conversations not just with romantic partners, but also with some friends. Would definitely recommend!
July 22, 2023
بعضاً نکته‌های جدیدی داشت اما جامع و کاربردی نبود.
April 6, 2010
My fiancé and I used this book in lieu of real premarital counseling, as we are separated by about six hours. We did the book over a serious of several months, beginning I believe in December and working our way through it. Ultimately, it certainly fulfilled its job in coming up with many questions we didn't think of or thought were too obvious to ask. I'm not sure we gained a great insight into each other in that we already knew most of the other person's answers (a good thing!), but it was certainly fun to re-hear the stories and understand how the person sees them in relation to the question. I certainly think working through the book together was helpful for us. If anything, it was simply a big project we undertook and completed together.
That said, some parts of the book I thought were absurd. Some of the questions I felt were truly over the top, so much so that I can't imagine anyone who might answer them in the affirmative was thinking seriously of getting married, much less had convinced someone else to agree and is then working through a premarital questions book. Nonetheless, I'm willing to give the book a benefit of the doubt. I was also a little annoyed sometimes with the wording of the questions. While for many question, Leahy tries to remain politically correct and make them work both ways, some questions have slips where it is assumed that only a man might have an issue with the problem in question. For instance, one question focused on a "bachelor" party and how "he" should behave, versus including women. It was easy to reverse and re-ask in the opposite way, but was annoying to read.
Ultimately, I think the book was certainly helpful and not bad at all for its purpose and I would recommend that any couple looking at getting married complete this or a similar book if they cannot obtain premarital counseling.
That said, some parts of the book I thought were absurd. Some of the questions I felt were truly over the top, so much so that I can't imagine anyone who might answer them in the affirmative was thinking seriously of getting married, much less had convinced someone else to agree and is then working through a premarital questions book. Nonetheless, I'm willing to give the book a benefit of the doubt. I was also a little annoyed sometimes with the wording of the questions. While for many question, Leahy tries to remain politically correct and make them work both ways, some questions have slips where it is assumed that only a man might have an issue with the problem in question. For instance, one question focused on a "bachelor" party and how "he" should behave, versus including women. It was easy to reverse and re-ask in the opposite way, but was annoying to read.
Ultimately, I think the book was certainly helpful and not bad at all for its purpose and I would recommend that any couple looking at getting married complete this or a similar book if they cannot obtain premarital counseling.
August 16, 2017
There are some pretty good questions in here. My girlfriend and I were older so about half did not apply such as sections about in-laws and child raising. What we really liked was hypothetical situations of couples and what advice we might give them. This allowed us to gather very insightful information about how we think, our character, and moral values. Other good sections include religion and very important - finances!
Another good book was "401 Great Discussion Questions For Couples In Long Distance Relationships" by Lisa McKay and Michael Wolfe
My girlfriend and I met while I was living in Utah and shortly after she moved to Florida. We maintained a long distance relationship for several months while I was in Utah and she was in Florida. We talked several times a week and reviewed material from these books and also some articles and YouTube videos we found on the subject of relationships.
It gave me the confidence to follow her and we were married three months after I moved to Florida!
Another good book was "401 Great Discussion Questions For Couples In Long Distance Relationships" by Lisa McKay and Michael Wolfe
My girlfriend and I met while I was living in Utah and shortly after she moved to Florida. We maintained a long distance relationship for several months while I was in Utah and she was in Florida. We talked several times a week and reviewed material from these books and also some articles and YouTube videos we found on the subject of relationships.
It gave me the confidence to follow her and we were married three months after I moved to Florida!
December 14, 2011
A thorough and practical resource for couples considering tying the knot and who want to cover all of life's bases that they'll likely encounter during their lives together. I could see how for a couple that wanted a taste of pre-marital counseling, but didn't have a trusted adviser (religious or otherwise) or want to foot a therapist's bill, and who were willing to be honest and open with each other, this book could be a good alternative.
This book did spark some interesting conversations based on the questions, some of them serious and some of them quite funny, based on questions that were maybe tailored to a different sort of audience. (No, my partner and I do not "consider prison to be a rite of passage." Yikes.) The book also contains trends in the responses to keep an eye out for, and encourages the reader to be appreciative and respectful of their partner. Basic advice, yes, but for a young person about to make a serious life decision, probably not overkill.
This book did spark some interesting conversations based on the questions, some of them serious and some of them quite funny, based on questions that were maybe tailored to a different sort of audience. (No, my partner and I do not "consider prison to be a rite of passage." Yikes.) The book also contains trends in the responses to keep an eye out for, and encourages the reader to be appreciative and respectful of their partner. Basic advice, yes, but for a young person about to make a serious life decision, probably not overkill.
October 28, 2013
Nick and I decided to read this, as we are not going to go through marriage counseling and this seemed like a great way to bring up important life and relationship topics without having a third party present. I think this book does a good job of bringing up important topics and questions. I learned a lot about Nick that I never would have thought to ask. Were all the questions relevant to myself and my fiancé? No. Not at all. In fact, towards the end we lost a lot of interest in finishing because the questions and chapters got less and less relevant.
September 2, 2016
I didn't dislike this - it's really a series of questions that are asked in different ways to get you to talk about topics that you may have talked about (and probably have) with your partner, but at different angles.
A lot of it is very specific to certain situations that may have been common when this book was published, but aren't applicable for young couples who live in larger cities in 2016. With that said, this book could benefit a couple who have trouble talking about certain topics.
A lot of it is very specific to certain situations that may have been common when this book was published, but aren't applicable for young couples who live in larger cities in 2016. With that said, this book could benefit a couple who have trouble talking about certain topics.
June 17, 2010
If the man you are going to marry will sit down and do this book with you KEEP HIM FOREVER! Actually, my fiance and I went through this book during our engagement and it did open up different conversations about our histories, our expectations about marriage, etc. that we might not otherwise have talked about. It's an easy guide book where doing a chapter a night before bed is a nice pace.
August 23, 2011
This isn't really a book that you read all the way through. It's more something that you peruse the topics that are most pertinent to you. Before my husband and I got married, we actually did sit down and answer a lot of the questions together. I don't think it necessarily addressed anything that we hadn't already talked about, but it still proved to be interesting.
June 7, 2013
I recommend this book to my wedding couples BUT it is an interesting "thumb through" and start anywhere kind of book that even married couples will enjoy for the topic raising, question asking communication starters. Oddly there were some questions I asked my husband and vice versa that we didn't know how either of us would answer and we've been married over 30 years! I highly recommend.
Read
July 6, 2014I actually received this book in a pile of hand-me-downs. I got it after a divorce and a couple failed relationships. It's a great book to have as it opens up dialogue that most people wouldn't consider important- until it's too late. Recommend to anyone in, or entering into, a serious relationship.
April 14, 2015
I found this book very helpful, and even thought the questions are obvious to some we still don't think about it before marriage. It like a workbook. It should be used as a premarital book. Plus you will be surprised on your partners answers. I really enjoyed it and it gave a conclusion at the end of the chapters.
March 28, 2015
Received this book for free from the author for an honest free review.
This is an ideal gift for couples planning to marry. I shared it with my niece who just delivered a baby boy. She said, "I should have read it one year ago before I got married and planned this baby. Possibly I would have postponed both!"
This is an ideal gift for couples planning to marry. I shared it with my niece who just delivered a baby boy. She said, "I should have read it one year ago before I got married and planned this baby. Possibly I would have postponed both!"
March 27, 2015
Received this book for free from the author for an honest free review.
This is an ideal gift for couples planning to marry. I shared it with my niece who just delivered a baby boy. She said, "I should have read it one year ago before I got married and planned this baby. Possibly I would have postponed both!"
This is an ideal gift for couples planning to marry. I shared it with my niece who just delivered a baby boy. She said, "I should have read it one year ago before I got married and planned this baby. Possibly I would have postponed both!"
February 22, 2022
Great questions and advice
Very in depth personal questions to help you get to know your spouse and your compatibles them. Even for couples who are already married or in a committed relationship, the questions and discussions bring up many things that are important in a healthy relationship. I'd highly recommend it.
Very in depth personal questions to help you get to know your spouse and your compatibles them. Even for couples who are already married or in a committed relationship, the questions and discussions bring up many things that are important in a healthy relationship. I'd highly recommend it.
February 18, 2024
Soup to nuts - A to Z
This book is outstanding as a guide to pre-marital counseling or a guide to addressing issues in a marriage and moreover a guide to building a strong or even stronger marriage. If you are serious about your marriage and family relationships this book is for you. But only if you are serious and willing to do some soul stirring work.
This book is outstanding as a guide to pre-marital counseling or a guide to addressing issues in a marriage and moreover a guide to building a strong or even stronger marriage. If you are serious about your marriage and family relationships this book is for you. But only if you are serious and willing to do some soul stirring work.
Read
February 3, 2014This is a great book for couples who are thinking about getting married. Sometimes these questions may seem obvious, but you may be surprised what your partner's answer is. My clients found it very helpful.
January 1, 2016
Really excellent workbook for couples! Helped us navigate some core questions of compatibility before deciding to move in together. Fun, accessible, and very in depth. Lots of material for specific and uncommon marital situations that we didn't find helpful but maybe others would.
May 3, 2011
A good advice book...kind of long and fifciult to get rhough at times because there were SO many lists of questions. However, I feel it can be a useful tool if used appropriately.
September 3, 2013
A good start if you haven't had much communication into the major core of what a marriage is.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews