What do you think?
Rate this book
Living With the Dominator
This book explains violent and abusive behavior and places it in a social context. It can help readers of any age and sexual orientation to change their own behavior and to recognise when they are being controlled.
118 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 1, 2008
174 people are currently reading
412 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
July 13, 2021
This is a book that tells you about all the ploys and tactics a perpetrator uses against women. Quite a shocking book. Pat Craven used to be a Probation Officer working with male offenders against women. I am a feminist but I can still see how some poor women are still slaves to a masogynistic male. NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKES THIS. This book shows how male (sorry the books is specifically towards men as a higher percentage of women are victims. Women do abuse but Pat Craven works mostly with males) dominance is still inbred in some males in our society. She also gives tips on how a male can be a jailer, sexual controller, ‘king of the castle (yet with this part of a man abusive character, we can reinforce this abuse by saying ‘ah this is just men’), the bully and the liar. She also gives tips on the characteristics of a respectful man. How we should expect him to be.
If you are a woman or man suffering abuse or you are a perpetrator then read this book.
If you are a woman or man suffering abuse or you are a perpetrator then read this book.
Read
February 29, 2016I wish that I had been given a copy of this book in my teens. As it is, I've been in relationships with all the different abusers described here. The warning signs chapter is particularly useful, as often these are the little things we let pass, but which can indicate bigger problems to come.
April 19, 2020
I may be unfairly rating this book a 3 star but I think that’s because I was reading this from a slightly different perspective. From an unbiased perspective, this is an incredibly important and useful book and should be read by all women starting from college age so that they can avoid relationships with abusive men. I recognise a lot of characteristics of abusive men in this book that were present in men I have dated in the past- and I found that disturbing.
However I am very much not in a violent relationship so that wasn’t the purpose I was reading this for. I was raised in a violent home and was a victim of the abuse mentioned in this book as a child. I am now a 29 year old woman suffering the consequences and have struggled my whole life with anxiety, low self esteem and feelings of guilt and shame.I am trying to understand what happened in my childhood and was recommended this book to understand how my parents relationship may have impacted on me.
For that reason - I think this book didn’t go into enough detail for me. Whilst the book does touch on affects of violence on children, I would have liked this part to be lengthier and what was written wasn’t relevant to me.
However, it was illuminating and has provided a starting point for discussion.
However I am very much not in a violent relationship so that wasn’t the purpose I was reading this for. I was raised in a violent home and was a victim of the abuse mentioned in this book as a child. I am now a 29 year old woman suffering the consequences and have struggled my whole life with anxiety, low self esteem and feelings of guilt and shame.I am trying to understand what happened in my childhood and was recommended this book to understand how my parents relationship may have impacted on me.
For that reason - I think this book didn’t go into enough detail for me. Whilst the book does touch on affects of violence on children, I would have liked this part to be lengthier and what was written wasn’t relevant to me.
However, it was illuminating and has provided a starting point for discussion.
July 5, 2013
This book was recommended to me by a friend who had been in an abusive relationship. It gave them the inner strength to recognise all the tell tale signs, and to have the courage to make a full break from the relationship. Although it is written mainly for the female audience, I have found that its contents can equally apply to men who find themselves in abusive and harmful relationships. The book is short enough that it can be read in one sitting if desired, but the greater benefit to the reader may well come after multiple readings! I have read it twice already in less than a week, and will no doubt pick it up again in the future to remind myself of 'red flags' to watch out for. I cannot recommend this book enough!
March 9, 2015
This book is a very insightful look at Domestic Abuse, Perpetrators and their victims. I am fortunate enough to have never experienced abuse but this book opened my eyes to the signs in another person. This book will be of great support to me in my job. This book should be a mandatory read for all young people as it teaches what a healthy relationship should look like!!! Spend the couple of hours to read this book, your eyes will be well and truly opened.
July 19, 2023
An insightful read!
May 30, 2020
Good book and very easy to understand. Probably a bit dated now in terms of statics and but very relevant and useful. Rating is also because there are a few spelling /punctuation mistakes. Would read a follow on if there was another one.
February 26, 2021
I did the Freedom programme during a work placement at a refuge. I think it has good and bad points to be honest. It is really good for showing victims the different tactics used by perpetrators as well as the effects on victims and children. The weekly groups also help give a mutual support system to the survivors.
However... it is quite outdated and although learning about all the tactics was useful, I felt that the content could have included work on the self and the survivors identity as well as boosting self esteem and confidence, rather that centering around the perpetrator.
An addition note...as a social work student.. this course does not put us in a good light at all. I feel that the negative comments towards social workers in the course content do not help instil confidence in our ability to help and support them either and think they so may confirm fears of survivors and make them reluctant to seek support when needed.
However... it is quite outdated and although learning about all the tactics was useful, I felt that the content could have included work on the self and the survivors identity as well as boosting self esteem and confidence, rather that centering around the perpetrator.
An addition note...as a social work student.. this course does not put us in a good light at all. I feel that the negative comments towards social workers in the course content do not help instil confidence in our ability to help and support them either and think they so may confirm fears of survivors and make them reluctant to seek support when needed.
March 3, 2022
To anyone who is recovering from domestic abuse and violence, from someone who thought that I was going to stay living in the spoils and with trauma alone for the rest of my life...please, please look for a local group who use the Freedom Programme.
It is eye opening, informative, empowering, sometimes funny and often times sad, a lot concerning but also powerful, relieving, validating and insightful. The friendship and power that a group provides is invaluable.
If you're reading this and think, "it was ages ago", "I won't gain anything by talking about it", "it wasn't *that* bad".... please just give it a go. You have nothing to lose by trying. I thought all those things too but have now completed the course, created great friendships and am onto the next phase in the process.
Wishing you luck in your recovery.
It is eye opening, informative, empowering, sometimes funny and often times sad, a lot concerning but also powerful, relieving, validating and insightful. The friendship and power that a group provides is invaluable.
If you're reading this and think, "it was ages ago", "I won't gain anything by talking about it", "it wasn't *that* bad".... please just give it a go. You have nothing to lose by trying. I thought all those things too but have now completed the course, created great friendships and am onto the next phase in the process.
Wishing you luck in your recovery.
October 31, 2013
This book should really be given to high school students, both male and female as I believe the dominator's tendencies can cover both sexes.So informative and makes sense of the most bizarre behaviour by breaking it up into sections.Also where these behaviours come from.A good accompaniment to the freedom group too.
December 28, 2019
The Freedom Programme was a course devised by the author and from what she learnt she wrote this book for those who can't attend so more (mainly women) can protect themselves from abuse. The chapters begin with a sentence of a statistic that will shock and chill you which shows domestic violence is a huge blight and consern in this country. Once the sentence shocks you the chapter describes a different type of abusor, his tactics, why he thinks like that and where he gets his thoughts from. What I really like about this book as well is each chapter then lists the opposite of how a partner should behave and how you should be treated.
Finally the book tells you the things you should look out for when starting a new relationship so you don't fall for another abusor. All in all I recommend every women reads this before they start dating and statistically if a handful of people are rearing this review then chances are at least one of you is in an abusive relationship. My message to you is this. You are here as you on this planet living your life just once. Go to the police today, don't think you don't want them to get in trouble, what they have done to you is wrong and they know what they have done is wrong, they deserve to be dealt with by the authorities and you deserve freedom.
Finally the book tells you the things you should look out for when starting a new relationship so you don't fall for another abusor. All in all I recommend every women reads this before they start dating and statistically if a handful of people are rearing this review then chances are at least one of you is in an abusive relationship. My message to you is this. You are here as you on this planet living your life just once. Go to the police today, don't think you don't want them to get in trouble, what they have done to you is wrong and they know what they have done is wrong, they deserve to be dealt with by the authorities and you deserve freedom.
April 22, 2021
Reading through this was tough for me, both as the daughter of an abuser and as a survivor of an abuser.
The book is good in that it is concise and informative. There are many elements of abusive dynamics that people rarely consider, and the links to wider society and how abusers' beliefs can become internalised in everyone were really interesting to me. It places a lot of abuse survivors' issues into context and highlights warning behaviours so you can protect yourself in the future. There are also some images that are vaguely funny but don't detract from the points, which is good.
The main drawback for me is that it sometimes feels like elements are missing - the impact on children, abusers who don't use violence but are still able to enforce the rules once their victim "disobeys", etc. This is probably covered in other books but it would have been nice to see it a little more in this one.
Overall though, I quite liked it.
The book is good in that it is concise and informative. There are many elements of abusive dynamics that people rarely consider, and the links to wider society and how abusers' beliefs can become internalised in everyone were really interesting to me. It places a lot of abuse survivors' issues into context and highlights warning behaviours so you can protect yourself in the future. There are also some images that are vaguely funny but don't detract from the points, which is good.
The main drawback for me is that it sometimes feels like elements are missing - the impact on children, abusers who don't use violence but are still able to enforce the rules once their victim "disobeys", etc. This is probably covered in other books but it would have been nice to see it a little more in this one.
Overall though, I quite liked it.
November 29, 2021
Really insightful book. I was aware of some aspects due to a previous job but would definitely recommend all to read this book, not just for yourself but to recognise friends or family members who may be suffering.
It’s quite a hard read at times especially if you’ve been through mental abuse but please persist. This situations really happen.
My only criticism is that every scenario is “worst case scenario” it doesn’t really touch upon the “everyday” cases of mental or physical abuse or dare I phrase it is the mental abuse that is accepted as “normal”. It’s probably slightly damaging to some victims/survivors as they will be sat thinking “well my partner doesn’t/didn’t do that” because it’s always the worst case scenario - so they may not believe they are/have been abused. However, it does state this book should be read along side attending the Freedom Project so maybe this would be touched upon there instead.
It’s quite a hard read at times especially if you’ve been through mental abuse but please persist. This situations really happen.
My only criticism is that every scenario is “worst case scenario” it doesn’t really touch upon the “everyday” cases of mental or physical abuse or dare I phrase it is the mental abuse that is accepted as “normal”. It’s probably slightly damaging to some victims/survivors as they will be sat thinking “well my partner doesn’t/didn’t do that” because it’s always the worst case scenario - so they may not believe they are/have been abused. However, it does state this book should be read along side attending the Freedom Project so maybe this would be touched upon there instead.
June 17, 2022
I rarely purchase hard copies of books anymore, mostly because I go through them so quickly and don’t want to add to my bookshelf unless a book is one I know I’ll return to over and over again. This one? I purchased a copy for my shelves.
Written by a former probation officer for men convicted of abuse in Britain, this is a clear and concise take on the personality types of domineering men (the author acknowledges that women can exhibit these behaviors, too, but that the overwhelming majority of abusers and all of her work experience is with men being the aggressor).
More like a booklet (not a swipe, I like that it is user- friendly for someone who might be in the thick of a frightening, confusing time), i appreciated the author giving vignettes of a positive male figure, too.
Highly recommend.
Written by a former probation officer for men convicted of abuse in Britain, this is a clear and concise take on the personality types of domineering men (the author acknowledges that women can exhibit these behaviors, too, but that the overwhelming majority of abusers and all of her work experience is with men being the aggressor).
More like a booklet (not a swipe, I like that it is user- friendly for someone who might be in the thick of a frightening, confusing time), i appreciated the author giving vignettes of a positive male figure, too.
Highly recommend.
May 15, 2020
"I am the author Pat Craven. When I was a Probation Officer I ran courses for male 'perpetrators’ of violence against women and children. For two years I sat among groups of men who had injured, raped or killed their victims. I realised that abusive men use a range of tactics to control women.
I listened to everything they said and became determined to impart this information to the people who had no understanding of such violence. This included other ‘professionals’ and the women and girls whose lives could be changed or even saved if they were just given this vital information.
I also realised that abusive men do not understand their own behaviour. They do not realise that they decide to use violence when they realise that their other tactics are failing.
I listened to everything they said and became determined to impart this information to the people who had no understanding of such violence. This included other ‘professionals’ and the women and girls whose lives could be changed or even saved if they were just given this vital information.
I also realised that abusive men do not understand their own behaviour. They do not realise that they decide to use violence when they realise that their other tactics are failing.
July 14, 2025
If you are a woman, please read this book. This book changed my life and perception of the world around me. I took the freedom programme and read this book alongside. It saved me from making grave mistakes in dating and helped me to notice patterns very early on in new relationships in as little as 2 weeks. I’m autistic so struggle to see these things, but this book changed that and now I see it very very quickly in potential partners. Please read this to help give yourselves the tools you need to identify a potential perpetrator. I promise you won’t regret reading this book. Domestic abuse could happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time. Read this to help save yourself before it even happens.
December 30, 2019
An absolute must read for women as well as men. It was enlightening and well balanced in its comparisons. I think this should be given to teenagers young women especially in order to educate their understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable. At 34 I was still bewildered to find that certain common place scenarios that had become the norm in my life were actually not what I should expect and that the majority of my life (obvious in most parts less so in others) has been literally dominated by this type of behaviour despite thinking of myself as strong, independent and knowing.
February 11, 2022
This book will save lives!
Wow What a book! Well written, fascinating, clear and concise manual of the abuser. What to look out for, usual signs delves into the mind of The Dominator and why women can feel so confused and tells women how to get out of these horrific situations. It deals with cases from mild to worst case scenario.
All knowledge in this book comes from fact researched over years of working with both victims and with abusers This book could save your life or the life of someone you know.
Wow What a book! Well written, fascinating, clear and concise manual of the abuser. What to look out for, usual signs delves into the mind of The Dominator and why women can feel so confused and tells women how to get out of these horrific situations. It deals with cases from mild to worst case scenario.
All knowledge in this book comes from fact researched over years of working with both victims and with abusers This book could save your life or the life of someone you know.
December 7, 2024
Read this as it was recommended by my counsellor . Found it really interesting in piecing together the effects of domestic abuse environment on children and the effects into their adult life, it made sense to my own behaviours growing up in that environment. I also helped me understand some ex’s behaviours and aswell as my own fathers and understand the healthy behaviours they lacked and I didn’t witness therefore knowing what is healthy and what to look for plus showing examples of healthy behaviours to look for in a future partner . good read
December 6, 2025
I think this a very black and white POV on domestic violence. The ‘abuser types’ theme throughout the book felt abit character like and although I understand the intention, to make the patterns easier to identify, but it just didn’t sit quite right for me 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe if you’re looking for a basic exploration of domestic abuse then this would be a good place to start. I did like the last section where they explored warning signs of an abuser in the early stages of a relationship and I definitely think they should’ve spent more time on this!
Maybe if you’re looking for a basic exploration of domestic abuse then this would be a good place to start. I did like the last section where they explored warning signs of an abuser in the early stages of a relationship and I definitely think they should’ve spent more time on this!
August 22, 2018
A book with the potential to save lives. 'Living with the Dominator' is concise but insightful, accessible to anyone who wants to learn more about toxic relationships, and grounded in Craven's experiences as a probation officer. Should be available in every library, perhaps even set reading in social studies classes at school. In an ideal world it would be required reading for any professional who deals with domestic violence as part of their job, from police officers to social workers.
November 12, 2018
Recommend by sons councilor
This book has put the past 12years in to context, I feel that I have been so story but so weak!
This book is more than a book, it’s therapy!
I think even if you haven’t been through anything like it you could relate to it and would helpful in future, amazing work
This book has put the past 12years in to context, I feel that I have been so story but so weak!
This book is more than a book, it’s therapy!
I think even if you haven’t been through anything like it you could relate to it and would helpful in future, amazing work
March 6, 2020
Very informative. I wish I'd read this years ago. It describes the warning signs of abusive men and the behaviours they use to control women. Basically it all stems from the fact they hate women and view us as second class citizens who are too stupid and weak to look after ourselves. These men conflate physical strength with superiority and use violence when we stand up to them.
August 6, 2022
Amazingly insightful and inspiring.
For anyone who has been in a violent relationship, but also anybody who has struggled with mismatched belief systems around gender or parenting roles etc, that have caused issues in a relationship. Very confronting, so you need to be ready to see yourself honestly.
For anyone who has been in a violent relationship, but also anybody who has struggled with mismatched belief systems around gender or parenting roles etc, that have caused issues in a relationship. Very confronting, so you need to be ready to see yourself honestly.
November 6, 2018
Really enjoyed this book, such a great read great perspective. Good for work environment for knowing how to tread carefully with vulnerable clients and Very good for social learning and being able to empathise with others and to forewarn young adolescents in relationships
February 18, 2019
Strong premise and I can definitely imagine this helping to identify signs of an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, much of the book seems like a list of rather specific anecdotes with limited reference to the psychology of the "man" and how it affects his actions.
November 21, 2020
Very informative
Having recently left an abusive relationship, this book has helped me to recognise and confirm the type of abuse inflicted upon me. Worth a read of you're not sure if it's abuse or not.
Having recently left an abusive relationship, this book has helped me to recognise and confirm the type of abuse inflicted upon me. Worth a read of you're not sure if it's abuse or not.
June 30, 2024
This book really got me. It was detailed and insightful, as a survivor of abuse I really resonated with the way pat described the abusive behaviours. For anyone experiencing abuse or has done in the past it can give you an understanding of the typical abuse tactics used by perpetrators.
July 13, 2017
This book is very clear, great- can also apply to teens, former flat/house mates, frenemies & would be helpful if bilingual/translated as well.. if you like happy to assist with translating thanks
August 1, 2019
Love the freedom programme it really helped me understand and process what id been through! amazing book to help detect signs of a perpatrator of domestic violence.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews