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Impossible to Please: How to Deal with Perfectionist Coworkers, Controlling Spouses, and Other Incredibly Critical People
Everyone knows someone who is impossible to please, critical, judgmental, picky, and stubbornly closed-minded. These are symptoms of a disorder called obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), but it’s common for people to have subclinical levels of some or all of these qualities. Most of the time, it’s best to avoid the difficult to please person, but what happens when he or she is a close family member, coworker, or even a spouse? It’s still possible to maintain a positive relationship with the right tools. Impossible to Please, written by the authors of Toxic Coworkers, is a manual for dealing with these difficult people without sitting through stressful arguments, vicious insults and attacks, and passive-aggressive behavior. It empowers readers to take charge of the relationship and regain their dignity and confidence in interactions with these individuals.
This book features specific strategies that are immediately effective when conversing with critical people and explains how readers can respond to unfair blame without becoming angry or overly defensive. By setting boundaries, improving communication, and asserting themselves, readers learn to deal with the impossible to please in romantic relationships, friendships, family, and work relationships.
This book features specific strategies that are immediately effective when conversing with critical people and explains how readers can respond to unfair blame without becoming angry or overly defensive. By setting boundaries, improving communication, and asserting themselves, readers learn to deal with the impossible to please in romantic relationships, friendships, family, and work relationships.
193 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 1, 2012
66 people are currently reading
540 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
December 23, 2022
(3.5) Either I'm unconsciously drawn to this personality type or it's luck through the ages, but I seem to have 1-2 what the author calls "controlling perfectionists" in my life at any given time and I struggle. So, every now and then, I read a book for strategies. This book is comprehensive & gives you strategy for every possible situation and even has a nice chapter on developing empathy for why controlling people act out, but it doesn't address the elephant, which is that controlling behavior is often abusive. I'm tired of reading strategies that require me bend, change, and bow. It's true controlling perfectionists rule the world and society is built for them, but at what point do you stop giving them the right of way? I think the author's point is that you can't fight, change, or defeat a controller because of the very nature of their personality, so you must learn to adapt and bob and weave. Not untrue. And it's what I've done. But how exhausting.
July 2, 2021
4.7 stars. Do you struggle with a perfectionist friend, family member or co-worker? Do you supervise a team with one (or more) perfectionists? Are you interested in reading more about better ways to work with different people? If you are looking for a book to give you tools to help with this challenge, consider this one. If you are convinced that your situation is a lost cause and there's nothing that will help, consider trying just one tool suggested in this book. It might be a game changer for you.
This is a good book to read if you'd like practical ways to better interact with and love people in your life that are perfectionists. The first few chapters try to explain the motivation and mindset behind perfectionist behaviors. The 2nd and 3rd chapters from the end give practical examples and tools for someone to use when they have family or work interactions with perfectionists. I think these two chapters are what adds the most value to the book and make it worthy of adding to a collection of anyone in management or who would like to be managing a team in their career. The last chapter is a little weaker BUT gives examples of how perfectionists and those with them in their life can benefit from therapy WHILE still conveying that its hard to help this happen and that therapy can give the perfectionist or the person interacting with one fantastic tools to help their situation.
I considered not reviewing this book due to the topic. However, I found myself talking about it with friends. If I talk about a book with friends AND consider buying a copy for reference, I feel like that's a good reason for sharing a review on goodreads.
This is a good book to read if you'd like practical ways to better interact with and love people in your life that are perfectionists. The first few chapters try to explain the motivation and mindset behind perfectionist behaviors. The 2nd and 3rd chapters from the end give practical examples and tools for someone to use when they have family or work interactions with perfectionists. I think these two chapters are what adds the most value to the book and make it worthy of adding to a collection of anyone in management or who would like to be managing a team in their career. The last chapter is a little weaker BUT gives examples of how perfectionists and those with them in their life can benefit from therapy WHILE still conveying that its hard to help this happen and that therapy can give the perfectionist or the person interacting with one fantastic tools to help their situation.
I considered not reviewing this book due to the topic. However, I found myself talking about it with friends. If I talk about a book with friends AND consider buying a copy for reference, I feel like that's a good reason for sharing a review on goodreads.
February 12, 2019
it was a life changing book for me when I realized that my manager was a perfectionist and narcissist and I was running circles to get to please her. the reading helped me to break that cycle and leave happily after ( after I left that company for a better workplace).
December 16, 2012
Read this book in about 50 minutes. It was insightful, though I already know I am like the people described in the book (the perfectionist/critical ones).
October 20, 2013
Thoughtful explanations, and very realistic, helpful suggestion.
August 9, 2020
Practical help for dealing with the perfectionists in your life. I really got a lot out of this book.
October 9, 2025
It's not pretty.
What you learn is that Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is developed under less than ideal circumstances in a person's early life, and it becomes a stabilizing mechanism and worldview in adulthood that is difficult and perhaps impossible to break.
If you find yourself at some point working for someone with these traits, the strategies boil down to placating the person, distancing yourself from the person, or waiting until they burn out.
There are plenty of in the moment strategies for dealing with conflict. These amount to not instigating in a tug-of-war, because they will never let go, and may even hold a grudge over you in the long run if you don't either. Facts and reason will not sway this person, as their strange micromanaging behavior wouldn't have happened if they understood the facts of the larger picture to begin with.
Just know you're not alone. Reach out to other co-workers, create common knowledge, because odds are they too have had a run-in with this person. Band together and hold on.
What you learn is that Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is developed under less than ideal circumstances in a person's early life, and it becomes a stabilizing mechanism and worldview in adulthood that is difficult and perhaps impossible to break.
If you find yourself at some point working for someone with these traits, the strategies boil down to placating the person, distancing yourself from the person, or waiting until they burn out.
There are plenty of in the moment strategies for dealing with conflict. These amount to not instigating in a tug-of-war, because they will never let go, and may even hold a grudge over you in the long run if you don't either. Facts and reason will not sway this person, as their strange micromanaging behavior wouldn't have happened if they understood the facts of the larger picture to begin with.
Just know you're not alone. Reach out to other co-workers, create common knowledge, because odds are they too have had a run-in with this person. Band together and hold on.
November 5, 2013
Cataloging library books is a profession that lends itself to perfectionist personalities. This book gave me good tactics for dealing with the people I work with.The book looks at the motivations driving the perfectionist to do the activities they do, and look at how not to be victimized by their behaviors.
June 4, 2019
Anyone who has had to deal with an OCPD boss or spouse knows how infuriating and soul destroying it can be. Lavender brings some wisdom and practical advice. It will not change your tormentor, but a bit of understanding can go a long way.
January 30, 2022
Wish I didn't have to read this, but I've got 2, count 'em 2, OCD driven bosses who gaslight, practice passive aggression and have no idea of "best business practices" for an office. I am just trying to arm myself for the next fray.
April 27, 2022
Wow!! Some self help books have mildly helpful but mostly they aren’t great. I borrowed this book knowing that I have perfectionists in my life & I feel like I am on the verge of becoming one myself. This book gave pertinent information & the exercises were super helpful.
November 22, 2020
Good tips on what to look out for and how to respond.
June 1, 2022
Offered helpful insights to me about myself!
February 26, 2023
As a person with OCPD, I was looking for a book that would help me understand the impact I was having on those around me. As I am not the intended audience, I know my feelings are irrelevant, but the idea that I can never change hurts.
I can see why the authors believe everyone around me must protect themselves from me, I just wish I could find a book that might help me move out of the terror and fear of feeling like I must live this way to feel safe and adequate as a human being.
I'm working through a CBT workbook on perfectionism to try to understand my triggers and stuff but this book really felt like a lot of advice to loved ones to just suck it up, or be "assertive" or just distant. I felt like this advice would leave my loved ones feeling even more depressed about being with me. Perhaps that was the point.
I can see why the authors believe everyone around me must protect themselves from me, I just wish I could find a book that might help me move out of the terror and fear of feeling like I must live this way to feel safe and adequate as a human being.
I'm working through a CBT workbook on perfectionism to try to understand my triggers and stuff but this book really felt like a lot of advice to loved ones to just suck it up, or be "assertive" or just distant. I felt like this advice would leave my loved ones feeling even more depressed about being with me. Perhaps that was the point.
October 15, 2024
Alternate title: "1001 Ways to Walk on Eggshells"
Sadly this books presumes the reader has no choice but to continue on keeping the controlling perfectionist in their life. Maybe it's a boss or a teacher, maybe it's someone you co-parent with, maybe it's the case manager that's been assigned to you -- the point is I read every one of these scenarios and was practically begging with the characters to just quit that shitty job, move out, get divorced*, do SOMETHING and get out of there!
1 star. I felt like I walked in on an Al-Anon meeting by mistake.
_
*Divorce is not raised as an option until page 175, which is 96% of the way through according to my kindle.
Sadly this books presumes the reader has no choice but to continue on keeping the controlling perfectionist in their life. Maybe it's a boss or a teacher, maybe it's someone you co-parent with, maybe it's the case manager that's been assigned to you -- the point is I read every one of these scenarios and was practically begging with the characters to just quit that shitty job, move out, get divorced*, do SOMETHING and get out of there!
1 star. I felt like I walked in on an Al-Anon meeting by mistake.
_
*Divorce is not raised as an option until page 175, which is 96% of the way through according to my kindle.
July 9, 2020
سؤال يخطر في بالي دائما هل علينا أن نكون كاملين ومعاي المعايير الصحيحة ومن يضعها أيضا. أليست الحياة ببساطة أن نعيش بالطريقة التي نريدها، بالطريقة التي تحقق لنا أكبر قدر من السعادة . مثلا مافائدة أن يكون البيت مرتب ومنظم وأفراده تعساء، برأيي أن نرتب أنفسنا من الداخل أهم بكثير من الترتيب والكمال الخارجي، وعلى هذا المقياس الكمال يكون لله تعالى ولا ضرورة بأن نكن كاملين حتى نكون الأفضل.
https://www.hello-sweety.com/2020/07/...
https://www.hello-sweety.com/2020/07/...
May 28, 2019
TBH, i did skim through about half of this book. we all deal with perfectionists in our lives and i hoped to glean insight with how to manage those relationships. this book is more about a narrow category of 'controlling perfectionists.' i wonder how large the audience is seeking to find this information. unless the person or people you want to improve your relationship fits this narrow definition, don't waste your time!
July 13, 2018
This is Ed - dead on!!!
August 31, 2018
اقتنعت ان لكل مشكله حل و ان العالم اوسع ممل اتخيّل ^_^
December 8, 2012
A practical and effective guide to dealing with a very common problem. Impossible to Please includes a series of exercises throughout the text that guides the reader in a step by step process to make living with controlling relationships manageable.
December 16, 2019
Read this book in about 50 minutes. It was insightful, though I already know I am like the people described in the book (the perfectionist/critical ones).
Read
February 14, 2015read again in Feb 2015
Read
May 6, 2017Didn't meet expectations.
October 2, 2013
Very interesting....
July 3, 2014
So extremely helpful. Very affective approach.
April 24, 2015
Very helpfull
April 27, 2017
If you have a controlling perfectionist in your life this book is a must read! It will give you insight into what drives them and how to deal with them. Highly recommend!
Want to read
November 13, 2012Aaaack! (Sound of me choking!) I soooooo need this book!
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews