Today in What the Hell Did I Just Read? we bring you . . . this book.
Highly recommended, considered a classic, a "Christmas story for the ages," according to sources I used to trust. And beautifully reprinted by the NYPL with the original illustrations, this bookworm's crack. How, how, HOW could I go wrong in reading this to my kids the week following Christmas?
Well, for starters, I had to stop every page and explain what the heck was going on. Aside from the old fashioned language and British terms, there are also references to the Roman occupation of Britain, the Bronze Age, King Arthur and various of his knights, classic Punch and Judy shows, Herne the Hunter, Anglican church administrative procedure, great alchemists of the past, Alexander the Great, and the fall of Troy. All things that the modern child is just so totally familiar with, that there is no need for any sort of explanation! Our young hero Kay would wake up to find himself helping people with flint spears defend themselves against wild animals, being kidnapped from the last hours of Troy by 18th century pirates, or traveling through a magic wood with the Wild Hunt, all using excessively poetic language, thus leading me to have to stop and explain parts of Roman fortifications, geographic formations, and pre-steel weaponry.
Further confusion arose from the fact that this is apparently the second book about Kay and Co., and so the big reveal of the villain left us baffled, as did references to their previous adventure. Young Maria Jones, Kay's friend who is about ten years old, is armed with actual pistols that she took from the villains in the previous book. Yes, that's right, there is an armed child who is considered "spunky" for literally threatening to shoot everyone who irritates her. She's kidnapped, by the way, and they all just sort of go, well, what a pity she didn't have her pistols with her, but I'm sure she'll be fine. Various other people are kidnapped, with the same lack of reaction from almost everyone.
Then there's Kay. People offer Kay money, mysterious and fabulous gifts, opportunities to time travel and experience magical events, and speak of him and to him as though he is the King of England. No reason is given for this. He does not appear to be nobility, particularly smart, or particularly good looking. He lives in a manor house, has an endless supply of funds, and his only guardian is "the beautiful Caroline Louisa." Where are his parents? Who is Caroline Louisa? At first I thought she was his sister, but she's more like a nanny, I guess. He's apparently so wonderful that all he needs in the way of guardianship is a beautiful young woman to cater to his every whim.
Basically, the entire book was bizarre. I feel like the author just sort of chucked a bunch of ideas and scenes onto the page and decided to run with it whether they made sense of not. Many of the scenes are funny, or dramatic, and quite fascinating, but then they'll just end, or segue into a completely different scene. Many of the scenes are simply baffling. (For instance, there's an extended sequence when, trying to hide from some villains, Kay and his friends shrink themselves down and hide in a mouse hole, which is cool and makes sense. But most of the chapter involves the mouse giving them a detailed tour of his hollow tree and its various rooms, like some sort of overeager realtor. When the tour is done, the bad guys are gone, and they walk home without incident.) I suspect that at one point Masefield's editor just said, "I can't figure out if this is an actual rat who talks, or a man named Rat, so screw it." Then he went to lunch and never came back.
My kids and I were eager to finish, not because they cared at all about the ending, but because they wanted it to be over with. My daughter (age 8) was also convinced that the epilogue would tie it all together and it would suddenly make sense. When we got to the final line, she yelled out, "Are you kidding me?"
No, sadly.