Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy

by Louise Bates Ames, Frances L. Ilg

A three-year-old is a real puzzle to parents, sometimes anxious to please and befriend, sometimes strong-willed and difficult to get along with. At the heart of the three-year-old’s personality is often an emotional insecurity—and this causes a host of problems for parents! Drs. Ames and Ilg, recognized authorities on child behavior and development, help parents understand what’s going on inside that three-year-old head, what problems children have, and how to cope with the toddler who is sometimes friend, sometimes enemy.   Included in this • Jealousy of a new sibling • Toilet training • How to improve a child’s eating habits • Friendships with peers • Common fears • Developing language skills • Nursery school • Books for parents and three-year-olds   “Louise Bates Ames and her colleagues synthesize a lifetime of observation of children, consultation, and discussion with parents. These books will help parents to better understand their children and will guide them through the fascinating and sometimes trying experiences of modern parenthood.”—Donald J. Cohen, M.D., Director, Yale Child Study Center, Irving B. Harris Professor of Child Psychiatry, Pediatrics, and Psychology, Yale School of Medicine

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Childrens, Reference, Education, Psychology, Own

178 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1976

About the author

Louise Bates Ames was an American psychologist specializing in child development.[1] Ames was known as a pioneer of child development studies, introducing the theory of child development stages to popular discourse. Ames authored numerous internationally renowned books on the stages of child development, hosted a television show on child development, and co-founded the Gesell Institute of Child Development in New Haven, CT.

Ames's work found that children go through clear, discrete developmental phases based on age. She demonstrated that various age groups feature unique behavioral patterns, to be considered by parents and doctors in monitoring children's development. Perhaps the best-known legacy of her work was the coining of the term "Terrible Twos," to describe the rigid, conflict-laden behavioral patterns of two-year-olds.

Reviews

[Allison · Rating 1 out of 5]

What a crappy crappy bad book. I finished this book a week ago and keep trying to write a review but I'm not even sure where to start...
First off, I only have a barely three year old, but I've talked to people who have had 3yo's and the way this PhD author is decribing the 3s doesn't really match up that well. The subtitle is Friend or Enemy and Ames (the author) seems to think that 3's are your friend and 3 1/2 yo's act like your enemy. And "our best advice" on dealing with your 3 1/2 yo? "enlist the services of a good baby-sitter for as much of the time as possible". Seriously? The BEST advice you can come up with is let someone else care for 3 1/2 yo child for as much time as possible? They also recommend nursery school, day care, and an untrained high school girl consistantly throughout. Which leads me to my second big issue with this book... all the strange (ok, BAD) advice. Here's some other choice advice:

advice on whining: "it may help the child if you can encourage him to express his inner feeling in a poem or song so that he may be in control of the whining instead of having the whining in control of him". I don't even have a comment to that.

advice on acting out in public: "if your child is one who all of a sudden becomes quite unmanageable in stores....keep such occasions to a minimum." And if you're a temporarily single mom who really does need to buy groceries (and yarn on sale at AC Moore, of course)? I guess you can go back to the grocery store next year when your kid is four.

advice on tv: "Remember that television can be your friend.....it can keep a child happy, well behaved and out of difficulty for long periods." So, I suppose if you can't get a babysitter to do your job raising your child, just get the tv to do it.

advice on making a child feel good about himself: "let him know that you like him....and see to it that for much of the time he encounters situations in which he can behave successfully". This assumes I'd rather be around a child who is more concerned with how s/he feels than how others are feeling. But, then again, this is a child that I'm not around much anyway since s/he is spending most of her time with the babysitter and the tv.

advice about a three year old who has no respect for grown-ups and is constantly interrupting them and who is not well behaved: "she is behaving...like a normal three-year-old. There is not necessarily anything wrong with her." But can't you can still teach her to be at least better behaved?

advice about a three year old who gets angry if daddy kisses mommy in front of her: "have father greet you with a wink instead of a kiss" My advice would have been that if the child doesn't like it, she can go in the other room when daddy comes home and gives mommy a kiss.

There is a section about the position in the family and how that affects the child. There are theories about why birth order determines behavior. Here is the author's belief about birth order:
"there is another point of view, which we tend to favor. That is that a mother's body may actually need to "learn" how to reproduce, and therefore there is a real physical reason behind the fact that first children, especially first boys, seem to have more difficulty in...behaving in an acceptable manner than later-born children."
!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????? I would not have thought that people actually believed that except that there it is, in print, on page 122 of this fine gem of a book (hopefully the scarcasm is coming through).

Ok, I'm sure there was some good or at least decent stuff in there and usually I am good at picking through and taking what I like and leaving the rest, but this whole book is out the window if you ask me. I also am open to the whole "gentle" mothering thing, but this book seemed to advocate "avoidance" mothering. Well, I could write more, but I've already spent way too much time thinking about this.

[Jenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

If taken only for the information about the mind, emotions, and development of a three year old child, this is a truly wonderful resource! Each book in this series serves to calm the worries of the reader that their once-delightful child has been ruined, revealing the new an often unpleasant behaviors as completely normal, expected developmental stages. In other words: realax! Your kid is NORMAL. I found it's great help, and entertaining to boot! The anachronistic advice is often silly, but any parent could use a little giggle, and the theme of encouraging mom and dad to take it easy and not try to force behavior that is developmentally unreasonable for the child is both sound and timeless.

[Isaac Lord · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to say that upon reading the subtitle, 'Friend or Enemy', way back around her third birthday, I thought, "how offensive! My child could never be my enemy! That must be an artifact of the dated discipline advice I know to be endemic to this series!" Enter three-and-a-half, when friend/enemy status is renegotiated on a daily-- nay, hourly-- basis.

But yes, this book certainly is full of incredibly dated advice on discipline ("some endomorphic boys seem to need a good spanking now and again," etc.). But, as in the other books in the series, it co-exists with sensitive, nuanced description of developmental tasks and sequences. Is child development really that standardized, that a book written (I think) in 1978 can so uncannily describe the moods, interests, whims and caprices of my three-year-old in 2008? It would seem so. It's very reassuring. And somehow it's so much easier to be patient with certain kinds of craziness when you know it's necessary to someone's growing understanding of the world to engage in such.

But why aren't these books being revised and republished with fewer instances of bizarre somatyping, and maybe minus the repeated advice to put children in daycare if they are having too many conflicts with Mother?

[Tierney · Rating 3 out of 5]

A thoughtful primer on child development (there's one for every year of childhood up to 14) in terms of what's typical, where kids are coming from and why they feel what they feel and do what they do. It helped me in empathizing with my daughter when she's acting out and in assessing what problem behaviors might just be a phase. Word of warning that it's dated since it was written in 1985, especially in its assumptions about gender roles (for both parents and kids). I was able to mostly ignore that and got a lot out of the more timeless developmental stuff. I'd love it if they updated the series, the authors approach the topic with so much empathy for kids as the growing human beings they are.

[Krystin]

Parenting advice from the 80s is a trip.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

As with the previous books in the series, the descriptions of the mind, development, temperament, characteristics, etc. of the three-year-old were scarily accurate at times. But, the suggested parenting strategies for the three-year-old were outdated: spanking, television, staying indoors, love from Mother/discipline from Father. I skimmed the book and got from it what I wanted.

[Amy · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you’re reading this book, it’s clearly because you have a 3.5-year-old. A parent of a 3-year-old would not need such a book because 3-year-olds are perfect angels. Add on another 6 months, and you’ve got a monster child on your hands. Never fear. This book is here to help.

The first thing you must realize, dear mother, is that you are the problem. The child only acts like a monster around you because you actually care about your child and they can sense this. Thus, the first step is to remove yourself from the picture as much as possible. Your best bet is to pour yourself another margarita and hire a babysitter for the next six months. The best sort of babysitter is a young teenager that the child can sense doesn’t give a damn about whether the child lives or dies. You’ll certainly not want to take your little terror to the grocery store with you. Lacking a babysitter, it’s best to come to an agreement with other neighborhood mothers of monster 3.5-year-old children to alternate going to the store with looking after a house full of neighborhood hooligan preschoolers.

During the day, distraction is your best friend. You’ll need to plan to either sit them down with a box of cookies or sit them down in front of the television for as many hours as they can tolerate.

Some mothers are foolish enough to think it’s possible to sit down to eat a meal with their monster child. This is a bad idea, as it may incur the wrath of an angry father who demands a side of silence and civility with his meat and potatoes. Thus, preschoolers should be served their meals earlier than and separate from the rest of the family. You should sit the child down, plop the plate in front of the child monster, say “there it is,” and run far away from the child and the dining area just as you would from a wild animal devouring fresh prey.

Potty training may also be approached from the viewpoint of the child as an animal. You should put down fresh newspaper in your bathroom and have the unpottytrained monster child poop and pee in the corner of the bathroom because, at this stage in their development, it’s hopeless to think you could get them to use a toilet.

There’s a nice little song that you can you can teach your 3.5-year-old. It goes something like this:

I can’t wait until I’m four.
Then I won’t be a monster any more.
No more tantrums on the floor.
No more putting mommy through the door.
But while I’m 3.5
And we're living in 1985
You’re lucky you’re still alive.
So don't give me no more jive.

The end.

[Darcy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Alternatively helpful and useless, Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy, comforted me even while it made me scratch my head in bewilderment.

The first chapter, “Characteristics of the Age,” contained the best information. In it, the authors explained about the stages of equilibrium and disequilibrium that a child goes through. I found this comforting, as my 3 ½ - year -old is definitely in a stage of disequilibrium. “Your child is not your enemy. It is not you against him” (12), the authors, in emphasizing italics, remind their readers. So the next time your child throws cereal all over your freshly vacuumed floor, and then steps in it to grind it a little further into the carpet (and your soul), repeat this to yourself: “you are not my enemy.” It might help.

There were several things that were downright unhelpful or just so common sense you cringe to think that some parents are actually asking such questions (no, mom, your child is not a “mental crackup” because she wants to use her left hand for things). The chapter on the three-year-old birthday party didn’t seem to offer much. Let me tell you, there’s only one schedule for a child’s birthday party: chaos, pure uninhibited sugar high chaos from start to finish.

Their advice for hard to handle children often consisted of getting a babysitter or sending your child to day care so you don’t have to deal with them. “Day care when necessary can reduce the time you will need to spend together” (12). True, but not very helpful for the modern stay-at-home mom on a budget. If that doesn’t work for you, there’s always the other type of babysitter: “the television can be your friend. Wisely used, it can keep a child happy, well behaved and out of difficulty for long periods” (30). Here’s your golden ticket to guilt-free screen time for your children. Let's hear it for retro parenting via 1985!

The letters from disgruntled parents at the end and the authors masterful, yet slightly insulting, advice was a real goldmine. One mother gave her child a toy clown and then let him watch a violent show on TV with clowns in it. Much to her surprise, he suddenly became afraid of his clown. She asked if maybe she should “burn the clown before his eyes” or whether they should take the toy clown on vacation or leave it behind. The authors opened up their response with the understatement of the year, “You seem to have made several mistakes.”

[Hannah Notess · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think the word you're looking for is "frenemy."

[Jami Varriale · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has great information on toddler development, but ridiculous advice and suggestions for behavior. It was also extremely repetitive. 2.5.

[Rachel Barclay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Same deal as all the books in the series - good information in development, very socially outdated

[Douglas Sellers · Rating 2 out of 5]

This reads more like a description of what a 3 year old is than anything else. Kind of like the "what to expect" books. It's biggest piece of advice seems to be to hire a babysitter as much as possible.

[Frances Quin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall good information about child development but some of the perspectives and language are very out of date and at odds with the more inclusive language and perspectives on gender and childhood in 2021.

[Jeff · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought that Ames had written what the essential user friendly guides to child development based on the fact that every time I turn around these books pop up. They are at our library, on bookshelves in every major bookstore, in people's homes. They are down right ubiquitous.

With all this coverage you would think they were quite good. However, they were all published in 1985 and might as well have been published in the 1950's with the language that Ames uses and the assumptions that she makes. Throughout Your Three-Year-Old, Ames refers solely to the mom as the parent that cares for the child, and there is a general assumption that the mom is with the three-year-old most of the time thus more likely than not a mother that doesn't work outside of the home. In addition, when not explicitly talking about girls, the three-year-old in question is always referred to with masculine pronouns. Comments like how it is assumed that "Father" will expect the three-year-old to have proper table manners when it is developmentally inappropriate are down right aggravating.

With that said, the development ideas are pretty useful. Ames and her co-author make pains to describe in general terms what to expect from three year olds and differentiate between the three-year-old and the three-and-a-half-year-old as there are changes and typically shifts within any year at such young ages that are fairly typical. I found all of this useful, but repetitive.

In the end, if you are looking for a better overall user friendly book on child development, I recommend Yardsticks by Chip Wood. It covers ages 4 to 14, so doesn't go quite as young as the Ames books, and it doesn't go into the same level of depth because it covers so many ages quickly. However, it gives a strong overview of each age and is very user friendly with the format allowing the reader to get a good grasp of what they should expect from kids as they develop.

[The Book Consultant · Rating 3 out of 5]

The value of this book lies in the discussion of developmental changes a three year old child goes through more so than in the techniques of how to handle a challenging child.

The recurring advice in this book seems to be, for the most part, to let the challenging child spend as much time with a babysitter or in front of the television as possible. There is some sense to this, as I do notice my own 3.5 year old often responds much better to his grandparents or preschool teacher than he does to me. And I think the bigger picture to take away from that advice is that an exhausted/exasperated parent should’t feel insanely guilty using a babysitter when he/she needs a break, or letting the child watch a little bit of TV.

For me, the most worth-while parts of this book are those that talk about abilities/behaviors of a typical 3 year old, developmental changes they go through (equilibrium versus disequilibrium), and in general what you might expect from a 3 year old. Reading certain parts would make me think, “Ok, it’s not just me,” or “It’s not just my son.” And sometimes, that sense of mind and reassurance was all I needed. Just the knowledge that our struggles are not unique, and that, as with most things, ‘this, too, shall pass.’

I still had to go with 3 stars, because most of the advice was not all that useful, practical, or applicable to me, personally. The advice is somewhat outdated, but the book WAS written in in the 80’s, so you have to keep that in mind. I think the worst part was the “stories from real life” section which was basically a Q&A. I have a hard time believing those were genuine letters from real parents because they were SO AWFUL (some were ok, but most were just terrible).

Overall, this is a decent book for a parent looking for a little information and reassurances regarding their 3 year old. I wouldn’t necessarily take the advice to heart, but rather with a large grain of salt.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is one of those books where there are little bits of information that are very helpful and whole chunks where I read it and cringe. It talks about what three year olds are like and basically generalizes 36 months old vs. 42 months old (3.5years). It also says some things like "an occassional spanking, if it works, is not immoral..." !!! I've tried to ignore all of the sections on parenting if it assumes a control/coercion world view and just look for the interesting parts.

The section on having your three year old tell you stories was very interesting. It seemed to correspond to some studies the authors had done and talked about how common violence was in stories and how children's relationship with their parents were manifested (less pleasant at 42 months than 36 months with a breakdown by male/female). Some example stories were for girls animals or pets getting hurt and for boys things getting broken. This was reassuring so that I have an idea that this is very normal in children of this age. Also all the part where they gave sample language that children say was very helpful - it reminds me of how three year olds use their imagination or how their relationship to time (yesterday vs. today) is changing or how their use of prepositions is developing (next to, on, by, etc.).

So if you can skip the bad parts (only very rarely horrid, mostly its gentle yet mainstream parenting advice) and just pick out the interesting tidbits, ignore their authority and find what's relevant to you, you might find this a helpful read for understanding your child.

[Colin Post · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is definitely NOT a parenting manual, and shouldn’t be read as such, but rather serves as an overview introduction to child development at age three. I found the child development insights to be very valuable and really found the book to be at its weakest when the authors *did* endeavor to apply their insights to parenting technique. As other reviews have pointed out, one of the main suggestions is to “get a babysitter,” which is not great parenting advice for many reasons…

I have a 3 year old who is very trying and difficult at times, and this book helped me to understand where that behavior is coming from from a developmental perspective. It actually does give me great perspective, though I’ll need to make the decisions about how to apply these lessons in day-to-day parenting.

Plus…there’s a True Story at the end about a parent who gets their kid a very scary clown doll and then is surprised when their child develops a fear of clowns…

[Ivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

To state the obvious this book-originally published in 1985-is dated. I deduct one star for all the retrograde gender stuff (to paraphrase: the Father has no time for the 3-year-old's antics, but the Mother can have all the toddler fun...whether she enjoys it or not) and deduct another star for the fact that the book is not well-organized and includes frequent repetition. Specifically there's a random chapter in the middle on the three-year-old's birthday party suggesting that Mothers coordinate exit strategy for the party.

The most useful parts of the book are those that describe how a typical three- and a three-and-a-half-year-old acts, and the message that the child is indeed NOT the enemy (they're just growing). Those bones of the book stand the test of time though I really wish somebody would update the book and remove all the dated mumbo-jumbo.

[Kristen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Outdated? Yes. Full of dad-at-work mom-at-home assumptions? Yes. Worth reading for some of the child development points? Yes.

I picked this up when my 3 1/2 year old suddenly changed into a new, uncooperative, tantrum-thrower. And I discovered that everything that was going on could be explained by his developmental stage. The descriptions of his behavior were spot on. Unfortunately the only concrete recommendation was to get a babysitter to help us ride out the storm until he turns 4, which is neither appealing nor affordable for us. That said, the understanding that he is acting out because he suddenly feels insecure has been really useful. And I have a bunch of strategies that seem to be working now that I understand what is going on with him.

[Shala Howell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful for the overview of the developmental state. Several times I found myself saying "so that's why my daughter does that!"

The rest of it was a bit hit or miss. For example, I wish I had read their prescription for a birthday party before throwing ours. On the other hand, some of their assumptions about family structure are dated. Especially the assumptions about the role of the father, who was described as being a stern disciplinarian out of touch with his children. That may have been true when this book was written, but thankfully doesn't describe my family.

[Rachel P.]

Like all the books in this series, the child development content is unrivaled but the parenting advice is outdated and should be ignored. I did learn quite a bit about my 3.5-year-old’s development and will be reading the 4 yo volume next!

[Kristan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not sure how (according to the author) a 3 year old is pleasant to be around, but when they turn 3.5, it's a whole different story. I find my 3 year old to be extremely challenging right now, and I can't imagine his behavior will be drastically worse in 6 months. The one thing I did takeaway was to minimize the stand-offs and battles and not be afraid to enlist outside help.

[Carrie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the first two chapters, "Characteristics of the Age" and "The Child with Other Children" to be helpful and insightful. For these two chapters alone I will read Your Four-Year-Old in another few months.

The rest of the book was quite dated, especially as it relates to how a 3 year old interacts with its parents, which was either disturbing or funny. ("Don't eat family meals, for the 3 year old will annoy his father. Put the child's plate on the table, say your food is here and leave the room." "The 3 year old likes to spare with his mother. Hire a babysitter and let him watch TV.")

The chapter on "The Three Year Old Birthday Party" gave very specific guidelines, much of which made me laugh. ("Don't attempt to play games. Give all of the children lots of little presents.")

[briz · Rating 4 out of 5]

As with the other books in this series, most of this book is a bang-on take of what your N year old is going through - how they're behaving, why they're behaving like that, and what you can do about it. The advice in Your Two-Year Old, it was mostly: TV and babysitters. NO PROBLEMO. I am over the screentime moral panic, sign me up.

As with the previous book, it's super dated and so - amidst all the gems of timeless wisdom - there are, err, real hilarious clunkers. My favorite being the advice that, okay, some kids might need a good spanking - nothing excessive - but especially if they're mesomorphic boys. Ectomorphic? Something about body shape. I was just like, okay, this is Yale, but this is the 1970s, moving right along.

The final outcome of this book - just for me and my parenting - was the best one: I felt more compassionate and more patient. Onto the next years!

[Kirsten · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this one less helpful than the previous two books in the series. There were fewer helpful insights, and more things that I would never adopt, or even adapt, for my own parenting. Maybe it's because I feel more confident in trusting myself to know what's best for my kid than I used to, maybe it's because I engage more regularly with other toddler/preschooler moms these days, or maybe this book really is full of outdated suggestions that don't respect the personhood of your child, but it rubbed me the wrong way a lot. 2.5 out of 5 stars, rounded down for a lot of things, including a weird repetition that moms should ideally have a babysitter watching their kid for at least part of every day?

[Tin Mayer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good, well structured, and informative book. I enjoyed reading it and I could take the tips into practice as soon as I have read them.
The book is very concentrated on the Three and a Three-and-a-half year-olds. The authors have organized it very well, starting from the general overview of the age and general tips and then diving deep into different aspects of the life. The last chapter, where they share real letters from concerned mothers was very informative.
I would recommended the book to any parents with a three-year-old but also to any parent with a two-year-old so that they can prepare for the upcoming times.

[Toni · Rating 1 out of 5]

Please do not waste your time reading this book. Repetitive and vague. Dismissive of concerns. Her main advice seems to be to avoid your child if things get difficult. Get a sitter, put them in day care, turn on the TV.

Are you thinking about teaching manners? Don't bother. It's best not to put up any kind of resistance to the child's ways.

Are you thinking about teaching the alphabet, reading? Don't bother. The child is not capable of absorbing any information like that at this age.

Mostly pictures, repetitive and yet vacuous. You'd be better off reading nothing than reading this book.

[Alana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is great for any parent of a 3 year old, to understand what difficult behaviors are normal and developmentally appropriate. It helps to put the phase in context and to make sure we don’t overreact. It totally justifies ignoring a lot of these behaviors, because negative attention to them is just what the child wants. Cracks me up that half the advice is letting them eat alone or sending them away from mom. In terms of practical parenting advice for how to deal with situations, I think it’s lacking. I’ll pick up some other books. On the whole, reading this was a great relief for my psyche, lol.

[Heatherjoy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by someone in a counseling profession noting that the examples might seem dated but the developmental science hasn't changed. Well, I gave up after reading a couple chapters and skimming a couple more. I'm not sure any of it is based on actual developmental science. Recommendations to foist your kid off on a babysitter as often as possible and use tv to help them control their behavior aren't just dated. They aren't good, useful, or practical. There are much better books to spend my time on when it comes to parenting and child development.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've always enjoyed the Gesell Institute's parenting manuals, mostly because they're primarily based on observational research. One big caveat. This was written in the 1980s and based on even older research, so a lot of the societal norms assumed her are frustratingly outdated, but the actual observations they made are still useful.

For me 3 seems like the toughest age, so the fact that Ames backs me up here and advocates liberal use of babysitters during the particularly difficult parts of the age, really makes me feel better about my parenting.