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Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected
Do you ever find yourself asking . . .How can you get your children to do their homework without meltdowns, threats or bribes?How can you have a drama-free morning where the kids actually get out the door in time for school?How can you better manage your kids' screen time without making them want to hide what they're doing from you?Family therapist Susan Stiffelman is here to help. While most parenting programs are designed to coerce kids to change, Parenting Without Power Struggles does something innovative, showing you how to help your children awaken their natural instincts to cooperate, rather than employing threats or bribes, which inevitably fuels their resistance. By staying calm and being the confident "Captain of the ship" your child needs, you will learn how to parent from a place of strong, durable connection, and you'll be better able to help your kids navigate the challenging moments of growing up.Drawing upon her successful practice and packed with real-life stories, Parenting Without Power Struggles is an extraordinary guidebook for transforming the day-to-day lives of busy parents-and the children they love.
327 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 192 reviews
October 18, 2012
I can only do a chapter a day on this. I figure if the suggestions don't work I can always throw the book at them!! :)
March 6, 2013
Susan Stiffelman seems to be a wonderful therapist with a talent for generating specific, feasible strategies for caregivers in need of guidance; her book, however, adds little to the parenting advice genre.
In order to create joyful, resilient kids, Stiffelman urges parents to take a “Captain of the Ship” role which derives unwavering authority from a foundation of empathy-based parenting. Her approach essentially combines “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” – the empathy bible – and “Parenting with Love & Logic” – the definitive source for “consultant parenting” whereby a parent distances herself emotionally from her kids’ problems in order to remain a steady and firm source of support. Unfortunately for Stiffelman, the gorgeous melding of yin and yang accomplished by merging these two methods (i.e., feel with them enough to understand and respect their ups and downs but don’t rise and fall with their emotions) is better achieved by reading those two books.
That said, Stiffelman has an interesting take on a few of Gottman’s and Cline/Fay’s best points – and a softer, more maternal tone – that might be a better fit for some readers:
- “Focus on loosening your need for your child to behave properly so that you can feel you’re a good parent, [and e]xplore the meaning you’re assigning to your child’s problematic behavior.” After all, ”it’s always our thoughts about the events of our lives – rather than the events themselves – that cause us to get upset.” (In other words, try not to generalize from your kid dillydallying after you ask her to put on her shoes to the conclusion that she’s a passive-resistant little shit who has no respect for you and has begun a lifelong struggle with authority that will only end when you can force her to put on her fucking sneakers.)
- “Give direction from connection.” Begin an interaction with “Act I” which is essentially listening and prompting disclosure with nonjudgmental, noninvasive questions like (“‘What is it like to be you?’ and ‘Tell me more?’”), and then, only if your kid “invites you to the party” proceed to “Act II,” offering assistance. Sometimes Act II must be delayed for quite some time. “[D]uring the storm of your child’s misbehavior, avoid lecturing, explaining, or advising. This is not a teachable moment.” (File this last bit in the easier-said-than-done folder.)
- When your child flips out, respond to the “neck down” feelings prompting the outburst, not the “neck up” words the child chooses to express those feelings.
She also offers a few pearls of parenting wisdom that I haven’t encountered in written form:
- “I am not a big fan of forcing children to apologize . . . [because] children who chronically violate others and are coerced into offering up an apology simply become good at apologizing; they don’t generally modify their behavior very much.” (Hear, hear!)
- Create attachment by following the six stages of relationships: “proximity, sameness, belonging/loyalty, significance, love, and being known.” (In other words, start – or begin to repair a relationship – by just being near the kid, then point out interests you share, etc.)
- “[I]nstead of [trying to figure] out how to fix a problematic situation, . . . think back to the point at which you could have prevented it from happening and resolve to take action at that juncture in future interactions with your child.” (My husband and I figured out this little gem – that falls under the general rubric of “let go of the guilt when you go wrong and focus your energy prospectively” – for sidestepping the crushing feeling of powerlessness that accompanied our daughter’s first year.)
- When attempting to convince an older child to do something like attend an unappealing family event, say something along the lines of “it’s your choice, but going is just the right thing to do.”
- View your kid’s behavior surrounding minor disappointment (like getting to the end of a bag of chips) to the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and enable her to experience each stage. (This downright mind-blowing trick has given me the ability to step outside the current emotional dynamic and watch my daughter’s fit unfold with a sort of lovingly detached interest.)
- In order to help kids with indecision, anxiety, and depression introduce “ABC thinking” (where A is “the actual event, as it would be impartially reported,” B is “the belief we construct about the event, or our interpretation of it,” and C is “the consequence of our believing what we believed in ‘B,’” essentially urging them to consider alternate B's in order to mitigate yucky C's); tell them to “ask the future you” for advice (to help gain perspective); and remind them that “[t]he fact that a thought shows up doesn’t mean you need to make it a sandwich!”
In sum, I would love to grab a cup of tea with Susan Stiffelman (despite balking at her description of timeouts as a “violation of connectedness [that] damages the parent-child relationship”) and would recommend her as a therapist for a struggling parent or child in a heartbeat; her book just isn’t one of my top picks for parenting advice.
In order to create joyful, resilient kids, Stiffelman urges parents to take a “Captain of the Ship” role which derives unwavering authority from a foundation of empathy-based parenting. Her approach essentially combines “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” – the empathy bible – and “Parenting with Love & Logic” – the definitive source for “consultant parenting” whereby a parent distances herself emotionally from her kids’ problems in order to remain a steady and firm source of support. Unfortunately for Stiffelman, the gorgeous melding of yin and yang accomplished by merging these two methods (i.e., feel with them enough to understand and respect their ups and downs but don’t rise and fall with their emotions) is better achieved by reading those two books.
That said, Stiffelman has an interesting take on a few of Gottman’s and Cline/Fay’s best points – and a softer, more maternal tone – that might be a better fit for some readers:
- “Focus on loosening your need for your child to behave properly so that you can feel you’re a good parent, [and e]xplore the meaning you’re assigning to your child’s problematic behavior.” After all, ”it’s always our thoughts about the events of our lives – rather than the events themselves – that cause us to get upset.” (In other words, try not to generalize from your kid dillydallying after you ask her to put on her shoes to the conclusion that she’s a passive-resistant little shit who has no respect for you and has begun a lifelong struggle with authority that will only end when you can force her to put on her fucking sneakers.)
- “Give direction from connection.” Begin an interaction with “Act I” which is essentially listening and prompting disclosure with nonjudgmental, noninvasive questions like (“‘What is it like to be you?’ and ‘Tell me more?’”), and then, only if your kid “invites you to the party” proceed to “Act II,” offering assistance. Sometimes Act II must be delayed for quite some time. “[D]uring the storm of your child’s misbehavior, avoid lecturing, explaining, or advising. This is not a teachable moment.” (File this last bit in the easier-said-than-done folder.)
- When your child flips out, respond to the “neck down” feelings prompting the outburst, not the “neck up” words the child chooses to express those feelings.
She also offers a few pearls of parenting wisdom that I haven’t encountered in written form:
- “I am not a big fan of forcing children to apologize . . . [because] children who chronically violate others and are coerced into offering up an apology simply become good at apologizing; they don’t generally modify their behavior very much.” (Hear, hear!)
- Create attachment by following the six stages of relationships: “proximity, sameness, belonging/loyalty, significance, love, and being known.” (In other words, start – or begin to repair a relationship – by just being near the kid, then point out interests you share, etc.)
- “[I]nstead of [trying to figure] out how to fix a problematic situation, . . . think back to the point at which you could have prevented it from happening and resolve to take action at that juncture in future interactions with your child.” (My husband and I figured out this little gem – that falls under the general rubric of “let go of the guilt when you go wrong and focus your energy prospectively” – for sidestepping the crushing feeling of powerlessness that accompanied our daughter’s first year.)
- When attempting to convince an older child to do something like attend an unappealing family event, say something along the lines of “it’s your choice, but going is just the right thing to do.”
- View your kid’s behavior surrounding minor disappointment (like getting to the end of a bag of chips) to the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and enable her to experience each stage. (This downright mind-blowing trick has given me the ability to step outside the current emotional dynamic and watch my daughter’s fit unfold with a sort of lovingly detached interest.)
- In order to help kids with indecision, anxiety, and depression introduce “ABC thinking” (where A is “the actual event, as it would be impartially reported,” B is “the belief we construct about the event, or our interpretation of it,” and C is “the consequence of our believing what we believed in ‘B,’” essentially urging them to consider alternate B's in order to mitigate yucky C's); tell them to “ask the future you” for advice (to help gain perspective); and remind them that “[t]he fact that a thought shows up doesn’t mean you need to make it a sandwich!”
In sum, I would love to grab a cup of tea with Susan Stiffelman (despite balking at her description of timeouts as a “violation of connectedness [that] damages the parent-child relationship”) and would recommend her as a therapist for a struggling parent or child in a heartbeat; her book just isn’t one of my top picks for parenting advice.
April 13, 2010
I love to read this book before falling asleep at night. It clears my head. Her parenting style is one of love and kindness and focusing on the emotional needs of kids. That style reminds me of John Gottman's Emotion Coaching.
She has taken ideas from cognitive therapy and put it into other ways of looking at it, some easier and some more complicated than plain old cognitive therapy. I like her "little fear guy" that puts negative thoughts into everyone's head.
I had not heard of the stages of bonding before. She credits the author of the stages. Proximity, sameness, loyalty and a few others. I want to explore that further.
I liked this book, her style, and her love of all children and her hope that all situations can be helped.
She has taken ideas from cognitive therapy and put it into other ways of looking at it, some easier and some more complicated than plain old cognitive therapy. I like her "little fear guy" that puts negative thoughts into everyone's head.
I had not heard of the stages of bonding before. She credits the author of the stages. Proximity, sameness, loyalty and a few others. I want to explore that further.
I liked this book, her style, and her love of all children and her hope that all situations can be helped.
February 12, 2018
I am a voracious reader and needed something non-fiction for a change of pace. I listened to this book on Audible. The narrator drove me nuts bc she talked too slow, so I increased the speed to 1.25x and loved it!
So many thoughts are swirling in my head. Every parent wants to know that he or she is making a positive impact on their child. I devoured this book bc I have a child who is VERY oppositional and defiant. Consequently, our home has been the source of MANY power struggles. He wins. Every. Single. Time. My life was spiraling out of control a year ago bc of these endless power struggles. This book offers so many amazing solutions. I learned to spend quality time with my son, how to live in the moment, how to problem solve, boost his self esteem by saying and doing the SIMPLEST things, teach him confidence, and so much more.
It has ALWAYS been my goal as a mom to raise children who are KIND. I couldn't care less about what college they attend. They don't have to make all As in school. I don't obsess about how much money they will make. I just want them to be happy, self-assured, kind young men who are passionate about their chosen professions and paths in life.
I want them to grow up and say I didn't suck as a mom.
I learned how to bond with my kids, even though they are teens, who seem to want to be alone a lot. How to walk into the room and just "be" with them. Relationship and respect is SO key to getting them to listen and mind me.
I felt like this book taught me to show interest in things they love. How not to be so busy, we forget to live in the moment. How to not take our time together for granted. How to teach them to be grateful and live fulfilling lives.
All too soon, they will be gone, and because of this book, I have learned to be a better mom while they're in my home. It's never too late to be a better parent! You're never done learning and growing.
I highly recommend this book to any parent of a strong-willed (or even NOT so strong-willed) child. I plan to go back and listen to it a second time, so I can soak it all in.
So many thoughts are swirling in my head. Every parent wants to know that he or she is making a positive impact on their child. I devoured this book bc I have a child who is VERY oppositional and defiant. Consequently, our home has been the source of MANY power struggles. He wins. Every. Single. Time. My life was spiraling out of control a year ago bc of these endless power struggles. This book offers so many amazing solutions. I learned to spend quality time with my son, how to live in the moment, how to problem solve, boost his self esteem by saying and doing the SIMPLEST things, teach him confidence, and so much more.
It has ALWAYS been my goal as a mom to raise children who are KIND. I couldn't care less about what college they attend. They don't have to make all As in school. I don't obsess about how much money they will make. I just want them to be happy, self-assured, kind young men who are passionate about their chosen professions and paths in life.
I want them to grow up and say I didn't suck as a mom.
I learned how to bond with my kids, even though they are teens, who seem to want to be alone a lot. How to walk into the room and just "be" with them. Relationship and respect is SO key to getting them to listen and mind me.
I felt like this book taught me to show interest in things they love. How not to be so busy, we forget to live in the moment. How to not take our time together for granted. How to teach them to be grateful and live fulfilling lives.
All too soon, they will be gone, and because of this book, I have learned to be a better mom while they're in my home. It's never too late to be a better parent! You're never done learning and growing.
I highly recommend this book to any parent of a strong-willed (or even NOT so strong-willed) child. I plan to go back and listen to it a second time, so I can soak it all in.
February 7, 2014
OH MAN.
I give this book 4 stars for the parenting advice. Really great metaphors on being captain of the ship, staying calm, and assessing parenting decisions.
I give this book ZERO STARS once it launched into denying ADD as an actual condition. Kids with ADHD are not "ADD-ish" who need diet changes and exercise. I put it down at this point.
Anyone who is a medical professional working with children should not discard DECADES of scientific evidence. Don't get me started on the statistics of issues ADHD children face without treatment. All the patience and parenting in the world does not change the fact they have a biological condition.
This could have been an amazing book, why ruin it denying ADHD?
I give this book 4 stars for the parenting advice. Really great metaphors on being captain of the ship, staying calm, and assessing parenting decisions.
I give this book ZERO STARS once it launched into denying ADD as an actual condition. Kids with ADHD are not "ADD-ish" who need diet changes and exercise. I put it down at this point.
Anyone who is a medical professional working with children should not discard DECADES of scientific evidence. Don't get me started on the statistics of issues ADHD children face without treatment. All the patience and parenting in the world does not change the fact they have a biological condition.
This could have been an amazing book, why ruin it denying ADHD?
September 19, 2012
This was just the book I needed at just the right time. I love that the focus is on connecting with your kids, rather than disciplining them. I think all parents would love a quick fix when it comes to our children's tantrums or disobedience, but the truth is, my 5-year-old daughter gives me much less trouble when we are really connected with each other. I've starting planning a mommy/daughter date with her at least once a month (the last two have been McDonald's and then a movie, and Chuck E Cheese) , and I've stopped getting on the computer in the mornings, opting instead to watch cartoons with her.
One part of the book that I found especially helpful was when the author talked about the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance/adapting), and how it's important that we help our kids to reach the depression stage (crying) so they can move on to adapting. If they are stuck in denial, anger, and bargaining (which is the stuff tantrums are made of), they won't be able to move on, and they'll have an undercurrent of tension/anger.
Just this morning I had a chance to try this method out. My daughter wanted some Goldfish crackers before we left the house, but I told her there wasn't enough time - and so began the tantrum. Instead of raising my voice and getting frustrated, or giving in, I simply acknowledged her upset feelings (When she yelled "I WANT GOLDFISH!" I said, "I know sweetie.") I really thought she was going to get aggressive and yell some more, but instead she walked over for a hug. I hugged her while she cried, and the crying/whining (which I hate by the way) continued in the car on the way to daycare. I mostly ignored it (which was really hard, but I took lots of deep breaths), just answering her when she asked me a question, or sympathetically saying "Oh" or "I know" when she was being angry. By the time I dropped her off at daycare, she was totally fine and happy. She didn't even cling to me when I left like she usually does (which really surprised me). We just hugged and kissed, and I was on my way.
If you're looking for the right words to say to stop your child's tantrums or disobedience, you won't find it here. What you will find is a new way of thinking about parenting (at least, it was new to me). As I've heard the author say in a YouTube video, when we have our first baby, we don't look at that tiny little infant and think "I really hope this kid doesn't give me any trouble about doing his homework." We just look at the miracle in front of us, and we're so excited to find out who they will turn out to be. I need to focus more on that - on helping my daughter become who she already is, rather than trying to make her into who I want her to be (a happy, obedient stepford-child).
One part of the book that I found especially helpful was when the author talked about the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance/adapting), and how it's important that we help our kids to reach the depression stage (crying) so they can move on to adapting. If they are stuck in denial, anger, and bargaining (which is the stuff tantrums are made of), they won't be able to move on, and they'll have an undercurrent of tension/anger.
Just this morning I had a chance to try this method out. My daughter wanted some Goldfish crackers before we left the house, but I told her there wasn't enough time - and so began the tantrum. Instead of raising my voice and getting frustrated, or giving in, I simply acknowledged her upset feelings (When she yelled "I WANT GOLDFISH!" I said, "I know sweetie.") I really thought she was going to get aggressive and yell some more, but instead she walked over for a hug. I hugged her while she cried, and the crying/whining (which I hate by the way) continued in the car on the way to daycare. I mostly ignored it (which was really hard, but I took lots of deep breaths), just answering her when she asked me a question, or sympathetically saying "Oh" or "I know" when she was being angry. By the time I dropped her off at daycare, she was totally fine and happy. She didn't even cling to me when I left like she usually does (which really surprised me). We just hugged and kissed, and I was on my way.
If you're looking for the right words to say to stop your child's tantrums or disobedience, you won't find it here. What you will find is a new way of thinking about parenting (at least, it was new to me). As I've heard the author say in a YouTube video, when we have our first baby, we don't look at that tiny little infant and think "I really hope this kid doesn't give me any trouble about doing his homework." We just look at the miracle in front of us, and we're so excited to find out who they will turn out to be. I need to focus more on that - on helping my daughter become who she already is, rather than trying to make her into who I want her to be (a happy, obedient stepford-child).
July 30, 2013
This is a good book if you are struggling with a busy life and an unhappy child. However, the book could be summed up in a few key points: claim your authority as a parent, come alongside your child and help him/her work through difficult emotions, and embrace that children need to learn to accept disappointment and frustrations. It is your job as a parent to guide your child through those disappointments, not fix them or lecture your child on what they could do better. There are a few helpful tips, but really this is for the 4+ age range where you can reason with them.
One thing the author does not address is how to actually stay "cool, calm, and connected." Some of these tactics would take a huge amount of patience and self-control, and for many parents, they need to address their own busy schedule/procrastination/short temper before they can help coach their child through those tough topics.
One thing the author does not address is how to actually stay "cool, calm, and connected." Some of these tactics would take a huge amount of patience and self-control, and for many parents, they need to address their own busy schedule/procrastination/short temper before they can help coach their child through those tough topics.
June 12, 2015
This might have been more profound if I hadn't recently read the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids book, which covers a lot of the same material, but goes about it a little differently. I did get some helpful tips about making kids more cooperative, and I find that reading any decent parenting book helps me refocus my energy. The captain of the ship analogy works well up to the point when she says the kids are the passengers--more like crew members whom I need to keep from mutinying! She undermines her authority--at least with me--in places though, like when she classifies an apple as just "sugar" and un-nutritious. But there's little doubt in my mind that avoiding the power struggles is key.
January 29, 2015
Good stuff. This book has a lot of the same concepts as the How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk series, which I am also enjoying. I have tried some of the strategies suggested with good success so far. In particular, I have focused on listening when my kids are complaining about something simply with empathy and without judgement or giving advice or trying to dispute their claims. This small change seems to have improved my relationship with each of my 3-kids already. This is enough to convince me to implement even more of her ideas and to take each interaction with my children as an opportunity to practice and improve my skills.
I went to Susan Stiffelman's website while reading this book and noticed she offers a 6-wk online workshop, which I am now tempted to take to get that practice, practice, practice. While some of the ideas in her book seem so simple, they may or may not come instinctually for you depending on how you were raised and your personality. For me this stuff is definitely not instinctual and since a lot of my parenting seems to be in reactionary mode, I know I can benefit from changing my instincts and becoming more proactive - which Stiffelman would say starts by establishing a stronger attachment and connection with your kids.
If you want to improve your relationship with your kids or solidify your relationship through the teenage years, I would recommend this book. You may not agree with everything she suggests in the book, but I think you will come away with a lot to ponder and perhaps try out with your own children.
I went to Susan Stiffelman's website while reading this book and noticed she offers a 6-wk online workshop, which I am now tempted to take to get that practice, practice, practice. While some of the ideas in her book seem so simple, they may or may not come instinctually for you depending on how you were raised and your personality. For me this stuff is definitely not instinctual and since a lot of my parenting seems to be in reactionary mode, I know I can benefit from changing my instincts and becoming more proactive - which Stiffelman would say starts by establishing a stronger attachment and connection with your kids.
If you want to improve your relationship with your kids or solidify your relationship through the teenage years, I would recommend this book. You may not agree with everything she suggests in the book, but I think you will come away with a lot to ponder and perhaps try out with your own children.
February 18, 2018
Though sometimes frustratingly repetitive (particularly when it comes to the words "alongside" and "Captain of the ship", this is a compassionate book with many specific recommendations for parents trying to shift the ways they engage with their children to provide them with more calm control and deeper relationships. I did appreciate Stiffelman's ways of understanding how to build connection with your children in different ways through the different stages of attachment. (Similar to ideas of how to build trust, it gave a framework to something I'd intuitively been doing prior.) I also liked the idea of helping them firmly but caringly "hit the wall" of frustration rather than hedging.
I do a lot of reading on leadership development lately for work, and the themes here are surprisingly similar. Looking for patterns is important. Authentically listening while letting go of your own agenda is important. Staying curious and wondering, "What would they have to be feeling, believing, or experiencing to behave this way?" is, too. Turns out people are complicated, subject to their situations, and just want to be treated with respect, whether they are your own tiny progeny or grown-up executives. We all just want to be asked, "What is it like to be you?" and then have someone else give us their full attention.
I do a lot of reading on leadership development lately for work, and the themes here are surprisingly similar. Looking for patterns is important. Authentically listening while letting go of your own agenda is important. Staying curious and wondering, "What would they have to be feeling, believing, or experiencing to behave this way?" is, too. Turns out people are complicated, subject to their situations, and just want to be treated with respect, whether they are your own tiny progeny or grown-up executives. We all just want to be asked, "What is it like to be you?" and then have someone else give us their full attention.
November 27, 2015
Wonderful resource for parenting. Her advice to focus on Act I parenting, i.e., to empathize with our children when they are mad or angry about our parenting decisions, was SO helpful to me when my son began throwing his massive temper tantrums around age 2 and beyond. She states we too often skip to Act II parenting, which is when we explain why XYZ is not allowed or dangerous or will happen a different day, etc. Our children might eventually need or want that explanation, but first they need to know that we empathize with their feelings, by saying things like "It makes you feel really sad that the video is over." or "You really loved that video." instead of saying "You can watch another video tomorrow."
She states the goal is to get your child to respond "yes" three times to these statements. My son wasn't really able to say "yes" at age 2, but (and this surprised me) by focusing on saying these things to him, I was able to keep my own temper from reaching the boiling point and thus I remained calmer and things tended to escalate a lot less. I found, while they still happened quite frequently, his temper tantrums were often shorter in response to my remaining calm and using this technique.
She states the goal is to get your child to respond "yes" three times to these statements. My son wasn't really able to say "yes" at age 2, but (and this surprised me) by focusing on saying these things to him, I was able to keep my own temper from reaching the boiling point and thus I remained calmer and things tended to escalate a lot less. I found, while they still happened quite frequently, his temper tantrums were often shorter in response to my remaining calm and using this technique.
August 13, 2017
I admit I was skeptical when I started this book. I am accustomed to books that are stories, with space ships, interesting characters, gun fights, intrigue, and even romance. This book doesn't have a single action scene in the entire thing. But, it has a lot of useful ideas about how to connect with your child in order to teach them independance, emotional health, and thus, how to avoid the path to chronic difficult behavior. Also, she emphasises the importance of parents being emotionally healthy and balanced, both to set a good example, and to be able to temper their temper. My only real criticism is that, often, you just don't have time to discipline gently, because the kids are hurting each other or about to hurt themselves, which is a daily (hourly) occurance in my house of three boys. But even then, there are some good suggestions about how to teach correct behavior after that moment is through. Overall, even with its lack of ninja-fight scenes, this was a useful read, and accomplished what it was intending, which is why I give it five stars.
September 25, 2016
كتاب الاخصائية في العلاج التربوي سوزان ستيفلمان جيد بشكل عام.
يدعوك لأخذ دورك كقبطان للسفينة، مراقباً لسلوكك، محافظاً على هدوءك، ظابطاً لانفعالاتك، محباً لأبنائك - بذلك تتجنب "الصراع على السلطة" معهم... ما أسهل ذلك!!
لكن ما لايدرك كله، لا يترك جله..
يحاول الكتاب أن يقترح بعض التطبيقات العملية، لكن يعترف أن الأمر ليس بالسهل.
اعتقد أن الكتاب يستحق المراجعة.
هذا الكتاب يكمّل كتابها الآخر
حضور الأبوة :تمارين من أجل تربية أولاد واعين ومهتمين وواثقين
يشرح النقاط المختصرة هناك ويختصر ما تم شرحه في الكتاب الآخر. كما يشترك في النظرية مع مجموعة كتب أخرى معتبرة في هذا المجال. الأسلوب يسير وسريع.
يدعوك لأخذ دورك كقبطان للسفينة، مراقباً لسلوكك، محافظاً على هدوءك، ظابطاً لانفعالاتك، محباً لأبنائك - بذلك تتجنب "الصراع على السلطة" معهم... ما أسهل ذلك!!
لكن ما لايدرك كله، لا يترك جله..
يحاول الكتاب أن يقترح بعض التطبيقات العملية، لكن يعترف أن الأمر ليس بالسهل.
اعتقد أن الكتاب يستحق المراجعة.
هذا الكتاب يكمّل كتابها الآخر
حضور الأبوة :تمارين من أجل تربية أولاد واعين ومهتمين وواثقين
يشرح النقاط المختصرة هناك ويختصر ما تم شرحه في الكتاب الآخر. كما يشترك في النظرية مع مجموعة كتب أخرى معتبرة في هذا المجال. الأسلوب يسير وسريع.
December 29, 2011
This was a pleasant surprise that I found while looking for a different parenting book. Usually parenting books have to drill into the reader that theirs is the best technique and why you must read this book (I'm already reading your book, just get on with it!). I didn't feel that with this book and most of her philosophies are in harmony with my own. I felt like I got some good, concrete tools from this book, although its mostly targeted for children older than mine.
August 7, 2015
I was unsure whether this book would be right for me with my daughter still being so young (3), but oh my goodness was is useful. I highly recommend this to parents with children of any age. I don't exactly know how to describe it, but Susan provides so much advice, so many tools, and thinks about the whole child and how to help him or her find happiness in life. That's all I want for my daughter and I believe this book provided tremendous guidance for helping me get her there.
March 1, 2015
I didn't love this book, but I did get a lot out of it. The writing style is a bit repetitive and even condescending, but the message resonated with me. In the weeks since I started this book, I have found myself using some of the strategies and suggestions, with surprisingly good results. It's just a different way to think about the parent/child relationship.
March 12, 2017
I really enjoyed this book. She even quoted and uses the work of Byron Katie, who I love, so it made it that much better for me. Many parenting books give the same advice but what I loved about this book is that it gave specific examples on how to deal with certain situations and many of the examples were things that I've needed advice about. So it was helpful to see what I should be doing.
August 2, 2017
I like the concepts in this book but there are many many books with similar ideas that I prefer. I'm not sure people with one child should write parenting books. By her own admission, her son vastly changed her outlook on parenting. Another child with a different personality may have given her a less rigid and know it all attitude.
September 18, 2017
This is one of two go to parenting books for me. I listened to a conference hosted by Susan Stiffelman on raising teens and I love her approach. It's a very loving, understanding, connecting approach. Trying to understand the behavior and needs of our kids rather than just getting them to conform. Especially helpful for raising teens.
November 13, 2017
I wish I could think of the things that are presented in this book as I'm in the heat of the moment with my children. I can only imagine what impact I could make on my sons. I love her attitude on grace as a parent-- making sure to recognize when you make smart decisions and not beating yourself up when you fail. I need that as a constant reminder.
October 8, 2018
Very thought-provoking read for parents.
February 14, 2020
I listened to the audio on CD so I couldn't speed it up, she talks so slow! At times she seems to stay on one topic, belaboring her point but I still found lots of good insights. . She talks about how all kids are geniuses you just have to find what they are a genius at (and it may not be the typically praised math/science/reading etc).
"Our ability to live joyful and successful lives depends on our ability to adapt"
"When our children perceive us as steady and calm-regardless of their moods or behavior-they can relax, knowing they can rely on us to get them through the challenging moments of their lives."
"Our ability to live joyful and successful lives depends on our ability to adapt"
"When our children perceive us as steady and calm-regardless of their moods or behavior-they can relax, knowing they can rely on us to get them through the challenging moments of their lives."
January 12, 2025
Pentru mine, "Educație fără lupte de putere" intră în topul cărților din domeniu. Informația este prezentată clar, succint și schematic. Prezintă multe sugestii și tehnici despre cum să vorbim cu cei mici. Autoarea folosește termenul de "căpitan al corabiei" pentru situațiile în care puterea este negociată între părinte și copil. Mi-a plăcut mult, o consider foarte utilă.
"A avea un copil seamănă cu a primi un cadou care se dezvăluie treptat."
"A avea un copil seamănă cu a primi un cadou care se dezvăluie treptat."
April 15, 2021
Decently useful, and - somewhat surprisingly - not just for parenting but also for getting your own stuff together, which is one of her main points. The insights are broadly applicable to other relationships, including in management. I actually used one of the techniques on a colleague at work today, to great effect...
August 30, 2025
Shows a different way of being a parent, which i found very interesting. It was lacking some concrete actions to take if the initial listening to the kid is not enough, but overall, it was an enjoyable read.
June 4, 2023
Took me awhile to get my mindset ready to listen but the. I was hooked. It was nice to find myself nodding ‘YES’ that is me as a parent numerous times as well as whipping my. It’s section out on my phone to jot down things I need to reread as I navigate this adventure called parenting.
June 5, 2023
This book was SO HELPFUL as I work through parenting a very difficult 4-year old. It is both practical and gives the big picture. I know this book has changed me and the way I parent!
October 26, 2025
Mi-a plăcut mult, mi s-a părut foarte practică și bine scrisă.
June 28, 2019
While a lot of the info in this book I’ve also read in other parenting books, I still really like her analogies and approaches to parenting in regards to how to avoid the power struggles that can often ensue while parenting.
I like her ideas of imagining the parent as the captain of the ship, not two lawyers debating everything out.
There’s some great information in here like when she talks about ADD, and how she doesn’t look at it as a disorder but as Hunter’s in a farmers world.
I also liked how she talked about depression and anxiety in children and approaches for that.
I rented this audiobook from the library but there’s a lot of good info in here, and I may end up buying the book and getting the free pdf companion that comes with it. It would be a good guide.
I like her ideas of imagining the parent as the captain of the ship, not two lawyers debating everything out.
There’s some great information in here like when she talks about ADD, and how she doesn’t look at it as a disorder but as Hunter’s in a farmers world.
I also liked how she talked about depression and anxiety in children and approaches for that.
I rented this audiobook from the library but there’s a lot of good info in here, and I may end up buying the book and getting the free pdf companion that comes with it. It would be a good guide.
June 25, 2019
I’m going with 2.5 stars on this one. I’m sure there were some nuggets of wisdom in this book, but I honestly can’t remember what they were. It was hard to pay attention to this audiobook.
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