Your Brain on Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life

by Stanley Siegel

Why you need to think more about sex
What if great sex wasn't just great what if great sex could actually change your life? Your Brain on Sex offers a ground breaking and intriguing look at how each one of us can transform our lives by focusing our thoughts on our true sexual desires. This book lays out a bold yet simple path for uncovering your true self through sex. It's more than just great sex. It's smart sex-sex that can change your life.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Sexuality

272 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2011

About the author

Stanley Siegel began his writing career in 1981 as the creator and author of the Families column for Newsday (NY), where he offered compelling insights into the evolving dynamics of modern relationships.
He is the author of three groundbreaking works of popular psychology: The Patient Who Cured His Therapist and Other Unconventional Stories of Therapy (Penguin/Dutton, 1992), Uncharted Lives: Understanding the Life Passages of Gay Men (Penguin/Dutton, 1994), and Your Brain on Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life (Sourcebooks, 2011). Each has been translated into multiple languages, affirming their broad cultural and international relevance.
His novel, The Unbecoming, marks his first foray into fiction. This psychological thriller brings his keen understanding of the human psyche into a gripping narrative about identity and transformation. Across his prolific career, Siegel has redefined the role of writing in psychology and culture, leaving an indelible mark on every platform he has engaged with.
Siegel’s writing has appeared in acclaimed publications including O: The Oprah Magazine, the New York Post, and Psychology Today, where he also served as a sex columnist—bringing a bold, thoughtful voice to the intersection of intimacy, culture, and human behavior. Internationally, he was a sex columnist for FitnStyle, a Middle Eastern lifestyle magazine, where he introduced open, nuanced conversations about sexuality to diverse audiences.
As Editor-in-Chief of Psychology Tomorrow Magazine, Siegel curated a singular platform that merged art and psychology, challenging conventional thought and encouraging transformative dialogue. His engagement with the arts also includes his tenure as Dance Editor for Show Business magazine in New York, where his weekly critiques captured the energy and innovation of the city’s contemporary dance scene.
With nearly fifty years of clinical experience, Siegel has consistently infused his writing with the depth, empathy, and complexity honed through therapeutic practice. His work reflects a lasting commitment to emotional truth, intellectual rigor, and cultural relevance—an exploration of the psyche as both a private reckoning and a public mirror.

Reviews

[steph · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I agree there is psychology and science behind many of the factors that influence sexual behaviour, desires and fantasies, this? Listen, you want a book that actually educates you on all of that? Go read Come As You Are, you're welcome

[Alienor · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is ONE big idea in this book, but it's big enough to hold us. The idea is that the very nature our sexual fantasies acts as bandaids for the soul, and can allow us to process childhood wounds and trauma.
So throw out your shame and guilt and put on your explorer hat. In true therapeutic style, there is no judgment in the analysis of people's fantasies, just analysis and advice on how to explore them, own them and find partners who are sexually compatible.
Most of our sexuality is hidden in our subconscious. We have very little access to this massive part of us, and most of our self-knowledge is cramped by shame (to this day). I discovered what my sexual nature was at 37, and completely by accident! I could have gone on with my life completely obliviously.
So - based on that ONE concept, the many examples and declination in the book are necessary to operate a simple but tough paradigm change.

[Ivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Containing no secrets, nor breaking any new grounds for me, this book still is a very respectful and sensible introduction into the world of self-discovery and self-healing through a better understanding of one's own sexual fantasies and its origins. It doesn't take sides or try to sidetrack you with an agenda, but instead focuses on self-knowledge and self-assessment, complete with a few strategies to enhance your understanding of your partner and your own mind, featuring home assignments and short questionnaires.
Overall - a well-written easy to read and implement popular psychology book.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book makes a lot of very interesting points about sexuality. It is also written in a way that walks people through self-exploration and how to become closer to someone who you are in a relationship with through this process. It gets boring and redundant at parts but the main points are worthwhile.

[Gabriel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked that the author included non-heterosexual cases.

I did not find anything groundbreaking in this book. Redundant, too freudian, and non-evidence based. "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." Many extraordinary claims, barely any evidence.
The best thing about this book is the title. Very disappointed!

[Tony Fecteau · Rating 5 out of 5]

My wife and I talk about sex a lot. We are very open about it to ourselves and the children. This book puts all the steps in place to be communicative about your likes and dislikes. I found some sections to be repeating a lot, so be prepared for that.

[Joli Hamilton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting angle on the topic. Lots of case study, I'm glad the author is so clear about his personal biases so that this work can be more easily translated into my own work style.

[Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

- In essence, that people's sexual fantasy speaks a lot about that person's unmet childhood needs (and such unmet childhood need often propels such person to act out in life, such as prone to get into an abusive relationship, prone to become a workaholic or prone to become a womanizer).

- Unmet childhood needs, over time when not processed, becomes sexual fantasies due to the fact that the body doesn't have a good way to process it. Sexual fantasies all have meanings and purposes

- Sexual compatibilities are also vital for a relationship. It's not about "if xyz is good at sex" as an act. Rather, it's about if two partners have the same sexual fantasies, as well have the same preferences in sex

- In fantasies, men tend to have fantasy over object/objectfying women or their bodyparts. Whereas women tend towards "mystery, seduction, and romance"

- Men's fantasy could be captured in seconds. Whereas women's fantasy tend to have complicated plot

- "Chemistry" is merely body's way of telling if the other person have similar sexual fantasy. Online dating remove such telling mechanism

- Flirting is a way to decipher if the other person is in the same level of sexual compatibility as you

- Directly talking about sex is vital during the dating process to ensure long term mating success

[Nik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Many good tips, aligns with having more awareness in general, but also specifically with a part of human life that many have been conditioned to fear or be ashamed of. This book can help understand and overcome those feelings and discover a side of yourself that should not be surpressed.

[Tanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book to help explore your sexual desires and about how understanding and communicating those desires can lead to healing and transformation.

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

Skeptical of the degree to which this is Freudian. Totally dismissive of biological basis for human sexuality. Some interesting ideas, but mostly trash.

[Jeff · Rating 3 out of 5]

Poorly written and purely anecdotal, but has some useful insight.
6/10

[Valerie Verveda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book on sexuality and psychology so far.

[Dmitry · Rating 3 out of 5]

(The English review is placed beneath Russian one)

Книга очень сильно напоминает «Мужчины на моей кушетке», где психоаналитик делиться с читателями историями своих клиентов (все имена и пр., разумеется, изменены) чьи проблемы, так или иначе, связаны с интимной областью. В этих двух книгах примеры - единственная и главная основа книги. Правда, в данном случаи автор всё же предлагает и некоторые советы или лучше сказать совет, который призван спасти разваливающиеся отношения между супругами, парой.
Как пишет автор, проблемы в постели зачастую возникают из-за того, что, во-первых, пары не всегда делятся друг с другом тем, что они хотели бы видеть в постели, как партнёр, по их мнению, должен выполнять свою роль. А из-за этого одному из партнёров (совсем не обязательно женщине, пишет автор) секс просто наскучивает (не приносит удовольствие), что ведет, в конечном счете, к апатии, разладу отношений и разводу. К примеру, одному партнёру нравится жёсткий стиль, а другому требуется нежность. Во-вторых, автор пишет, многие предпочтения в сексе берут начало в детстве. Развод, холодные родители, насилие, причинённое в детском возрасте и пр., по словам автора, формируют стойкие привычки в сексуальной области. Женщина (или мужчина), к примеру, может искать определённых отношений или определённых партнёров. По словам автора, пары должны делиться своими мыслями на эту тему и своими чувствами в целом и искать, вследствие этого, компромиссное решение. Как я понял автора, те пары, что приходили к нему, всегда имели модель, где один недоволен сексуальной жизнью, а другой - не видит этого недовольства.
Что касается темы наших сексуальных предпочтений, которые зачастую формируются в детстве, то я не нашёл её до конца убедительной. Вполне возможно, что во многих ситуаций всё обстоит именно так, как пишет автор. Но всегда ли корни идут из нашего детства?
Ещё один момент, который явно высвечивается, это возможная (именно возможная) попытка читателя применить свои проблемы к проблемам героев книги и таким образов провести как бы анализ своих собственных проблем с одновременным поиском и решений. Я считаю, это крайне опасно.

The book is very much like "The Men on My Couch: True Stories of Sex, Love and Psychotherapy", where the psychoanalyst to share with readers stories of her clients (all names, etc., of course, changed) whose problems are related to the sexual area. In these two books, examples are the only basis of the book. However, in this case the author still offers some tips or better to say an advice that is designed to save the falling apart relationship between the couple.
As the author writes, problems in bed often arise because, first of all, couples do not always tell each other what they would like to see in bed, as a partner should perform his or her role. And because of this, one of the partners (not necessarily a woman, the author writes) simply gets bored with sex (does not bring pleasure), which eventually leads to apathy, breakdown and divorce. For example, one partner likes a hard style, while the other needs tenderness. Secondly, the author writes that many preferences in sex originate in childhood. Divorce, cold parents, violence during childhood, etc., according to the author, form persistent habits in the sexual field. A woman (or man), for example, may look for certain relationships or certain partners. According to the author, couples should share their thoughts on the subject and their feelings in general and seek a compromise solution. As I understand the author, those couples who came to him always had a model where one is dissatisfied with the sexual life, while the other does not see this discontent.
As for the topic of our sexual preferences, which are often formed in childhood, I did not find it convincing. It is quite possible that in many situations everything is the same as the author writes. But do the roots always come from our childhood?
Another point that is clearly being highlighted is the possible attempt of the reader to apply his or her problems to the problems of the book's characters and thus analyze his or her own problems while at the same time looking for solutions. I think it is extremely dangerous.

[Haya Dodokh · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is so good! The author shows us the truth of human sexuality and fantasies. All people have them, but very few people talk about them.
It was so enlightening, empowering, validating, comforting, and encouraging. All adults should read this book!

[Carolyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Had some interesting insights yet felt too thickly padded with redundant details. Ended up wanting him to just get on with it and skipping ahead.

[Wade · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review is in the works, but this is a great book and I highly recommend it.

[Zoquera · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very eye-opening definitely might be worth a revisit at some point