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The Mustache He's Always Wanted but Could Never Grow: And Other Stories
In these twenty-one comically gut-wrenching stories—highlighting schemers, dreamers, losers, boozers, stolen televisions, professional wrestlers, self-mutilators, compulsive masturbators, shoe fetishists, and a dead cat named Johnny Thunders—BRIAN ALAN ELLIS delivers a debauched world where sex is empty, life is meaningless, addictions are required, and nobody can ever get it together.
120 pages, Paperback
First published December 5, 2013
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302 people want to read
About the author
Brian Alan Ellis
35 books129 followersBRIAN ALAN ELLIS runs House of Vlad Press, and is the author of several books, including Sad Laughter (Civil Coping Mechanisms, 2018). His writing has appeared at Juked, Hobart, Monkeybicycle, Fanzine, Electric Literature, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Funhouse, Heavy Feather Review, and Queen Mob’s Tea House, among other places. He lives in Florida, and tweets sad and clever things at both @brianalanellis and @HouseofVlad.
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
November 30, 2015
At first I didn't care for these stories. Tales of woe concerning soured relationships and dead pets? I wrote crap like this in college. Then I was body slammed by Loco Mask II, a story about a man unable to handle his mother's relationship with a professional wrestler. It made me smile and giggle. And most importantly, it gave me hope that even though I am a decrepit old hag, I could one day win the favors of the fair Adrian Neville.
Maybe then I could get him to stop tucking his hair behind his ears. Dude, you look like a sugar bowl!
There were plenty of other good stories that followed. I smiled and giggled some more, but mostly I was thinking about Neville. I remember there was a really good one about a clown and a poet in a bar.
There is some fine, fine writing here, though I would not recommend it for everyone. If you're a fan of the usual "ladies book club" books, I'm pretty sure you're not going to like these tales of reprobates, alcoholics and losers. It's not exactly the feel-good read of the year, but definitely worth a look for the more adventurous.
Maybe then I could get him to stop tucking his hair behind his ears. Dude, you look like a sugar bowl!
There were plenty of other good stories that followed. I smiled and giggled some more, but mostly I was thinking about Neville. I remember there was a really good one about a clown and a poet in a bar.
There is some fine, fine writing here, though I would not recommend it for everyone. If you're a fan of the usual "ladies book club" books, I'm pretty sure you're not going to like these tales of reprobates, alcoholics and losers. It's not exactly the feel-good read of the year, but definitely worth a look for the more adventurous.
July 2, 2015
This is trailer-park existentialism.
This is Harmony Korine’s ‘Gummo’ if there were a sliver of heart in the center of its dead chest.
This is the love song sung by every lowlife loser spending their days dragging tired bones across the gray face of Earth.
This is the microscope that displays, in dazzling color, the ugliest (yet oddly comforting) side of mundanity.
This is a damn good collection of short fictions by a damn fine writer.
(Plus it’s called The Mustache He’s Always Wanted But Could Never Grow. How fuckin’ cool is that title?)
This is Harmony Korine’s ‘Gummo’ if there were a sliver of heart in the center of its dead chest.
This is the love song sung by every lowlife loser spending their days dragging tired bones across the gray face of Earth.
This is the microscope that displays, in dazzling color, the ugliest (yet oddly comforting) side of mundanity.
This is a damn good collection of short fictions by a damn fine writer.
(Plus it’s called The Mustache He’s Always Wanted But Could Never Grow. How fuckin’ cool is that title?)
August 25, 2016
Outstanding work — a bit like Bukowski, but funnier. Not sure there's much higher praise I can give.
February 28, 2014
Read 2/22/14 - 2/27/14
3 Stars - Recommended to those who enjoy reading about the downward swirl of bottom-rung humanity in the toilet of life
101 Pages
Publisher: House of Vlad Productions
Released 2013
Brian Allen Ellis doesn't have much hope for the human race. He doesn't see us in vivid technicolor. Rather, to him, humanity is drenched in darkness, hidden in shadow, and exuding guilt and sin.
Scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel, we find him shining a light on the squirmy, dirty, shifty souls he discovers buried down there. Fetishists, a dead cat, drunkards, the cripplingly depressed, and self-mutilators all cling together and hang separately in this collection of short (and shorter) stories.
In my opinion, the stories that bookend the collection - Crumbs of Love and The Sailboat/Hatchet Painting - are the strongest of the bunch. In the former, you have a dude sitting on the couch, absolutely in love with life and his girlfriend. When he opens his mouth to tell her this, she jumps down his throat and shatters his feel-good buzz. She's a bitch, this chick, and we can see it plain as day. But our poor ole dude is so love-struck, and now so panic-stricken at the thought of her not loving him nearly as much as he loves her, we just can't help but shake our heads. Cause we've all been there. At some point, we've all been sitting exactly where he sits, mouth agape with stupid ridiculous semi-blubbering shit driveling out of our mouths. In the latter, we meet two people (pretty sure they are brother and sister) chatting away meaninglessly about what's been going on in their lives. We learn about the sister's second ex-husband who used to crash at the brother's apartment (before the sister met and married him). The guy was an artist and we're given the rundown on the rumored sale of his one and only masterpiece - an unremarkable painting of a sailboat with a hatchet stuck through it that contained some remarkable "ingredients".
Stories like Eulogy for Johnny Thunders, which is about a dude, his ex-girlfriend, and her mother standing graveside in varying degrees of mourning over the untimely death of their cat; Leftover Heels, about the pair of shoes an ex-girlfriend leaves behind and the things one lonely man does with them; Lunch Lady, where a husband has a bad reaction to his wife's new 'do; and Delia Done Wrong, where a guy who planned to cheat on his girlfriend while she's away on a trip gets what he wants, and worse, hold their own and help to set the tone of the remainder of the collection.
Not all of the stories reach that same caliber, though. I started and then stopped reading For Pain with Sleeplessness and Loco Mask II because they just weren't grabbing me. And for all the awesomeness of its title, while The Mustache He's Always Wanted But Could Never Grow was short and well written, it was simultaneously disappointing.
For all their faults, Ellis doesn't paint his characters in a poor light. He isn't asking for your pity. He's simply pulling back the sheet and saying "see, see this stinking, festering wound of a human here? see how handsome he can be?", bringing the ugliness of human nature to the surface so it too can find its moment in the sun.
3 Stars - Recommended to those who enjoy reading about the downward swirl of bottom-rung humanity in the toilet of life
101 Pages
Publisher: House of Vlad Productions
Released 2013
Brian Allen Ellis doesn't have much hope for the human race. He doesn't see us in vivid technicolor. Rather, to him, humanity is drenched in darkness, hidden in shadow, and exuding guilt and sin.
Scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel, we find him shining a light on the squirmy, dirty, shifty souls he discovers buried down there. Fetishists, a dead cat, drunkards, the cripplingly depressed, and self-mutilators all cling together and hang separately in this collection of short (and shorter) stories.
In my opinion, the stories that bookend the collection - Crumbs of Love and The Sailboat/Hatchet Painting - are the strongest of the bunch. In the former, you have a dude sitting on the couch, absolutely in love with life and his girlfriend. When he opens his mouth to tell her this, she jumps down his throat and shatters his feel-good buzz. She's a bitch, this chick, and we can see it plain as day. But our poor ole dude is so love-struck, and now so panic-stricken at the thought of her not loving him nearly as much as he loves her, we just can't help but shake our heads. Cause we've all been there. At some point, we've all been sitting exactly where he sits, mouth agape with stupid ridiculous semi-blubbering shit driveling out of our mouths. In the latter, we meet two people (pretty sure they are brother and sister) chatting away meaninglessly about what's been going on in their lives. We learn about the sister's second ex-husband who used to crash at the brother's apartment (before the sister met and married him). The guy was an artist and we're given the rundown on the rumored sale of his one and only masterpiece - an unremarkable painting of a sailboat with a hatchet stuck through it that contained some remarkable "ingredients".
Stories like Eulogy for Johnny Thunders, which is about a dude, his ex-girlfriend, and her mother standing graveside in varying degrees of mourning over the untimely death of their cat; Leftover Heels, about the pair of shoes an ex-girlfriend leaves behind and the things one lonely man does with them; Lunch Lady, where a husband has a bad reaction to his wife's new 'do; and Delia Done Wrong, where a guy who planned to cheat on his girlfriend while she's away on a trip gets what he wants, and worse, hold their own and help to set the tone of the remainder of the collection.
Not all of the stories reach that same caliber, though. I started and then stopped reading For Pain with Sleeplessness and Loco Mask II because they just weren't grabbing me. And for all the awesomeness of its title, while The Mustache He's Always Wanted But Could Never Grow was short and well written, it was simultaneously disappointing.
For all their faults, Ellis doesn't paint his characters in a poor light. He isn't asking for your pity. He's simply pulling back the sheet and saying "see, see this stinking, festering wound of a human here? see how handsome he can be?", bringing the ugliness of human nature to the surface so it too can find its moment in the sun.
February 6, 2017
An interesting collection of short stories by Brian Alan Ellis, this is the first thing I've read by him and I think it is quite a good introduction to his work. I've not been blown away by them but I have enjoyed reading them. He has taken some pretty selfish and despicable characters and given each of them a voice in their own stories and because these characters are so horrible it does make it difficult to pick a favourite story...seeing as I wanted to give so many of the characters a slap. Easily the most hated character was Christopher from "Cutter" an excellent portrayal of a drunk who is a complete arse!
I enjoyed the very short stories, barely a page long as they almost felt poetic at times, "Drinking in bed with Zadie" is the best example of that. The most disappointing story in the book was the one the book was named after, that was a real shame because it is such a great title I was expecting something stunning.
This is a great intro into Brian's writing and I'll be checking out more of his stuff.
I enjoyed the very short stories, barely a page long as they almost felt poetic at times, "Drinking in bed with Zadie" is the best example of that. The most disappointing story in the book was the one the book was named after, that was a real shame because it is such a great title I was expecting something stunning.
This is a great intro into Brian's writing and I'll be checking out more of his stuff.
August 11, 2014
In stories centering on people who are apparently at rock bottom, you wouldn't expect to feel a lot of empathy and identification. Sure, it makes for interesting reading, but you think what you'd feel is a "there but for the grace of" kind of thing. I don't feel that in these stories. What I feel is a surprising amount of that empathy and identification. Drunks, the depressed, people at the end of their rope. What Ellis knows and what we don't usually admit is that most of us are putting on a good show. Most of us struggle through the day and hope we can keep putting one foot in front of another, regardless how good a show we put on or how together our lives may seem. You'll be pulled in by the grittiness and the destitution of the characters' lives, but I doubt you can escape the feeling that these are contemplations on how we manage to keep moving in life and the situation we find ourselves in. You might find something that helps you through the night. Plus, there's a mustache in the front you can cut out and wear. Can't beat that.
November 16, 2015
This is entertaining and memorable storytelling that I really enjoyed. From the gut and raw, humorous tales are laced with poignant moments without ever trying too hard. "Ideas for a One-Act Clown-and-Poet Play" was absolutely amazing. The utilization of the two characters to relay so many profound, relevant life concepts really spoke to me. For those who have enjoyed Scott McClanahan or Bukowski, this is with them in terms of quality. Recommended!
January 21, 2021
The best aphorist on social media can also write conventional fiction and he does it beautifully.
It would be easy from an outside perspective to dismiss these stories as typical white male literary nihilism (I'm sure Ellis himself would chuckle at that nomenclature), but if you look past the surface there's a warped, anxiety-ridden voice exploring his biggest fears: lack of meaning, lack of connection, the devaluation of art and passion, etc. Reading Ellis' short stories is like looking down the barrel of your worst fears about how your life could turn out. While Ellis doesn't offer redemption to his characters, the self-awareness of writing them to life alone mirrors a better future both for themselves and the audience.
My favorite story in the collection was The Waiting, one of the many stories loosely inspired by Dostoevsky's Notes from the Underground. It follows a character named Fred who chronically locks himself in his room to smoke cigarettes and find reasons to engage with the world. It's a beautiful exploration of sensitivity and heartbreak. Eulogy for Johnny Thunders is another simple, bare story in a Raymond Carver kind of way about the lack of connection one feels in the world.
This is very personal, intimate stuff that Brian Alan Ellis has written in this collection. But anyone who's grown up in the twenty-first century will relate.
It would be easy from an outside perspective to dismiss these stories as typical white male literary nihilism (I'm sure Ellis himself would chuckle at that nomenclature), but if you look past the surface there's a warped, anxiety-ridden voice exploring his biggest fears: lack of meaning, lack of connection, the devaluation of art and passion, etc. Reading Ellis' short stories is like looking down the barrel of your worst fears about how your life could turn out. While Ellis doesn't offer redemption to his characters, the self-awareness of writing them to life alone mirrors a better future both for themselves and the audience.
My favorite story in the collection was The Waiting, one of the many stories loosely inspired by Dostoevsky's Notes from the Underground. It follows a character named Fred who chronically locks himself in his room to smoke cigarettes and find reasons to engage with the world. It's a beautiful exploration of sensitivity and heartbreak. Eulogy for Johnny Thunders is another simple, bare story in a Raymond Carver kind of way about the lack of connection one feels in the world.
This is very personal, intimate stuff that Brian Alan Ellis has written in this collection. But anyone who's grown up in the twenty-first century will relate.
July 12, 2022
Read: July 2022
“Hell is other people’s iTunes”—Brian Alan Ellis
The Mustache He’s Always Wanted But Could Never Grow: an enviable title, that. And it fits this collection perfectly. These stories are populated with underachievers, the unemployed and under-employed and the sub-employed-- unsuccessful poets, painters with unsold ‘product’ (could the problem be the blood and ejaculate mixed-media?), drinkers and bong-hitters and part-time smackheads-- who live in undersized dwellings sometimes metal-cloaked and in park settings of the trailer kind, hot in summer and cold in winter, furnished with back stabber mattresses, tiny TVs on rickety milk crates, their drains and dreams clogged alike.
The characters vary but the stories are linked by unshakable hopelessness. The dialogue throughout is realistic, authentic. The narrative style is on the minimalist side, a fine choice for these characters. Their relentless powerlessness to change their lives is realistic though unavoidably a downer. In one story, the newspaper classified ads are more useful for blotting misc. bodily fluids than they are for finding jobs. So … these are not conventional dramas (understatement? yes) where the hero overcomes adversity and all that collective-unconscious mythic stuff. No one would expect happy endings (of the first kind; there are plenty of the second kind) in these stories, but here and there, bones of comic relief are thrown in. I myself would have liked more of that, maybe. A personal preference only. ("Your mileage may vary.")
My favorite story, Crumbs of Love, opens the collection. I love the dialogue, the range of emotions explored.
Budding-but-not-yet-blooming poet Harry feels good, today anyway, about his writing and his relationship with his girlfriend Lucille, and Trinket, their dog. But when he opens up, Lucille shoots him down. The result is both funny and melancholic:
“I could stare at you and Trinket all day and be happy.”
“What’s that?” Lucille asked.
“What I said was, I could stare at you and that damn dog all day and be happy.”
“That’s nice.”
Lucille’s tone, though pleasant, was noncommittal. This hurt Harry. He sank into the couch and again brought the beer to his lips. But it was too late—all those good feelings had passed.
“Harry?”
“Yes dear”
“I want you to know”—Lucille paused to pull a wad of hair from the bristles of Trinket’s brush—“that you’re only a footnote in my life. There’ll probably be others in the future, in a spot similar to where you’re sitting now, watching me groom the dog.”
“What’re you trying to say, baby?”
(Suffice to say, Harry isn’t the quickest study. But he sure can whip up droll observations):
Harry sometimes wished that Lucille and Trinket could swap personalities; he thought Lucille was prettier, but Trinket rarely gave him any shit, which was nice.
My second favorite, Certain Celebration, is entirely different in tone: very downbeat, like most the other stories, but exceptionally powerful. Excerpt:
Grandma Bellini used to love old Kool (and his gang). In fact, Bobby wishes she had a copy to listen to now, to celebrate with, as she lay dying in the biting cold sterility of a nursing home room; her mind all or half gone; her kids thumping bibles in Texas, purchasing land in the Carolinas, or stagnating in Brooklyn or Bremen somewhere—Bobby’s family, the lot of them: rotting, limping fruit hung like ornaments from some gutted Christmas tree. All Celebrating.
3.5 stars
February 18, 2016
I really enjoyed this book. The author tells it how it is. What we all really think and are afraid to say out aloud. Each story is truly believable (and maybe even relatable) with a twist of sick humor. It made me chuckle under my breath quite often. The funny sarcasm and silly puns the characters bring in each story is pretty entertaining.
So if you want a corny laugh about the sucky things in life, I'd recommend this book to you.
So if you want a corny laugh about the sucky things in life, I'd recommend this book to you.
May 26, 2015
If you're easily offended, turn back now. If you like your fiction to have some grit and plenty of vulgarities, then Brian Alan Ellis's "mustache" collection is just the thing you've been searching for your whole life. This little book is filled with hilarious, absurd, dark, and offensive stories. It's hard to believe that Ellis could squeeze so much into so few pages.
I'd list the best stories, but that would just be a list of all the stories in here. Do yourself (and Brian Alan Ellis) a favor and buy this book. Sure, you'll be a worse person with a horrible outlook on life, but the few hours of entertainment the book provides will more than make up for that.
I'd list the best stories, but that would just be a list of all the stories in here. Do yourself (and Brian Alan Ellis) a favor and buy this book. Sure, you'll be a worse person with a horrible outlook on life, but the few hours of entertainment the book provides will more than make up for that.
September 15, 2014
Work that speaks to a people that normally get so little attention: the blue collar, under-employed denizens who haunt grim, dead-end neighborhoods, bars, and couches, as they try to figure out how to get laid, fix there fucked-up relationships, find work, or care for their damaged family members, all of whom exist in some near dank netherworld, that so many of us scurry by on the way to somewhere else.
More - http://bentanzer.blogspot.com/2014/09...
More - http://bentanzer.blogspot.com/2014/09...
September 30, 2015
Brian Alan Ellis is writing with as much freedom as anyone out there.
January 27, 2018
Ellis writes the kind of fiction that makes you appreciate life a bit more. The writing style is the hook and he fills each of these stories with characters we probably knew at some point in our lives, but never realized how sad their lives were. If you're looking for something beautiful and inspiring you're reading the wrong book, and should look elsewhere. Despite the weepy, and often depressing theme, it's the way he writes that hooks you in. He has a talent for writing odd stories that are bleak, but somehow it all works. I've read a few of his books. and they all tie in to a feeling of loss, and gloom. These are stories for the lost and broken. Love isn't what it's supposed to be and a man sets out to cheat on his wife knowing how it'll turn out.
In Mustache you see that there is no hope, nothing turns out right, and who knows, maybe Ellis should see a psychiatrist so his stories would be less dark and way more fun. Of course if he did that, the soul of his work would be gone, and he wouldn't stand out as much. Fact is, the guy writes like a man depressed, and it all works out for the reader. if you like you're fiction weird, and bleak, this is the perfect collection for you. Grab yourself a beer, and a sandwich and enjoy the ride to sadville population Brian Alan Ellis.
In Mustache you see that there is no hope, nothing turns out right, and who knows, maybe Ellis should see a psychiatrist so his stories would be less dark and way more fun. Of course if he did that, the soul of his work would be gone, and he wouldn't stand out as much. Fact is, the guy writes like a man depressed, and it all works out for the reader. if you like you're fiction weird, and bleak, this is the perfect collection for you. Grab yourself a beer, and a sandwich and enjoy the ride to sadville population Brian Alan Ellis.
September 9, 2015
I really don't know what I expected with this book. I thought it would be funny but it was really just depressing.
March 16, 2016
these stories reminded me of myself of versions of myself from alternate realties, but all of us still with major depressive disorder. existentialism in everyday, life experiences without it being right in your face. it made me laugh, and think "what even is reality or human beings? is my life is a tragic comedy for aliens to laugh at?". any book that makes me do that gets five stars. read the fuck out of this book
March 9, 2014
FULL REVIEW HERE
Overall, The Mustache He's Always Wanted but Could Never Grow is a solid collection of sad short stories about sad people with sad lives. I would recommend this book, especially to fans of Charles Bukowski, Noah Cicero, and alt-lit in general.
Overall, The Mustache He's Always Wanted but Could Never Grow is a solid collection of sad short stories about sad people with sad lives. I would recommend this book, especially to fans of Charles Bukowski, Noah Cicero, and alt-lit in general.
December 27, 2014
Brian Alan Ellis writes some badass stuff. This book of stories is a must-have, filled with the kinds of characters who will make your skin crawl, keep you tight in your seat turning pages, and inevitably beg your empathy. I love the humans in this book. Ellis made me love them, he's that good, and he'll make you love them too.
June 22, 2014
Really digged the raw edge bizarro factor of this collection of short stories. It was right up my alley. Recently a friend came over and stole the book from my apartment and I ordered another copy of it. Hope that tells you that I enjoyed it enough.
December 11, 2014
While I know these are short stories, there wasn't enough character development unless the author's intention was to show a small glimpse into these sordid lives. I wanted to know more about these characters which is to the author's credit.
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