Inviting A Monkey To Tea: Befriending Your Mind and Discovering Lasting Contentment

by Nancy Colier

To “invite a monkey to tea" is to befriend your own mind-which is often compared to a drunken monkey for all its mad twists and turns. A wild monkey is full of irrepressible desires, and thus chases its own tail in its search for happiness! This book is about learning to welcome the mind as an ally without fear or resistance, thus relaxing that frantic search, discovering genuine contentment and resting in the joy of who you are. As a psychotherapist, author Nancy Colier has accompanied hundreds of people in their “search for happiness" for nearly two decades. She has watched her clients try everything under the sun to be-and stay-happy. Witnessing and participating in this process, she has become an expert in happiness, or more specifically, in the monkeymind’s search and demand for it, and the unhappiness that all the striving ultimately creates. Along the way, the author has come to understand the workings of the mind-both from her clients and by her own diligent practice of meditation and self-observation. This book distills the wisdom and experience of her dedicated work, and offers readers a roadmap of the territory of mind, plus a toolbox of practical means for identifying and working gently with the unrealistic expectations that keep us from the enjoyment of who we are. Nancy Colier is a brilliant guide who clearly marks this path of well being with her own presence, kindness and compassion. At this “tea party" the reader can relax, renew intention, learn new skills, and choose a road to lifelong contentment. Nancy is a psychotherapist, interfaith minister, and long time student of eastern spirituality. She is the author of Getting Out of Your Own Unlocking Your True Performance Potential. Give Up the Endless Search for Happiness. Delight in a Life of Genuine Well Being. A Book for Seekers after Happiness Who Have Been Frustrated by the Search; for psychotherapists and their clients; for counselors, ministers and spiritual practitioners of any (or no) faith tradition. Inviting a Monkey to Tea shows you how • Identify addictive (and dead-end) approaches to happiness • Build a new relationship to self-caretaking, putting aside the tyranny of blame, fear, neglect and perfectionism • Befriend your mind, with gentleness and compassion • Enter and stay rooted in the present moment • Live with genuine well being and lasting contentme

Genres: Spirituality, Nonfiction

176 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 2012

About the author

A longtime student of Eastern spirituality, Nancy Colier is a psychotherapist, interfaith minister, and the author The Emotionally Exhausted Woman: Why You’re Feeling Depleted and How to Get What You Need (New Harbinger, 2022), as well as numerous other books. She is a thought leader and national speaker on women’s empowerment, wellbeing, and mindful technology, and has been featured on Good Morning America, The New York Times, and countless other media. She is also a regular blogger for Psychology Today. In addition, Nancy spent 25 years as a nationally top-ranked equestrian and serves as a performance consultant to professional athletes and artists.

Reviews

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Actual Rating: 3.5 out of 5

INVITING A MONKEY TO TEA sounds like an odd title for a self-help book. But the title's metaphor makes a lot of sense: It refers to one's ego - doubts, fears, self-criticisms, and all the other negative chatter that can take over our minds if and when we let it - and how we have to manage it, because in reality it's never going to go away. The idea of this book, then, is to learn to better listen to ourselves, treat ourselves with more compassion, and understand the benefits of finding joy and contentment where it already exists instead of actively seeking happiness. It offers advice on meditation, well-being, and our relationship with ourselves that can help us become more present, more peaceful, and more mindful.

I'd been reading MONKEY off and on between fiction reads before recent stress prompted me to start this short book over and focus solely on it. Now I'm glad I did that, mainly because of Part 2's topics. Reading the sections about "un-sticking" from my fear-based thoughts and grounding myself in the "now" encouraged me to try those methods then and there - and I really needed that. The self-parenting section was also thought-provoking. I recognized that mine falls somewhere between "Blamer" and "Blamer Junior," and acknowledging those types as I read made me more aware of the fact that I need to adopt a less damaging way of self-parenting myself.

So why am I not giving MONKEY a higher rating? Well... I feel conflicted about some of the other insights presented in this book. Colier's approach is noticeably passive, which has its pros and cons. On one hand, it reminds us to be grateful for the things we have, to stop being so critical of ourselves, and to simply be sometimes. And I wholeheartedly agree and believe in those ideas. But on the other hand, it borders on recommending complete detachment from our feelings and experiences instead of looking for solutions that can help us change our negative habits. Sure, meditation can be one of those solutions, but past experience has taught me that we can't always rely on meditation alone.

My other issue is that Colier spends much of the first chapter scrutinizing other methods of self-help and spirituality. I understood that she was presenting each "school's" strengths, weaknesses, and why they have ultimately failed some people (and therefore why newcomers should avoid them). However, I also believe that we can take bits and pieces of different "schools" that work best for us and use them in our daily lives. Doing just that was what brought me out of a depressive episode 4 years ago, and is now what's led me to where I am today personally and in my writing career. And to hear another writer discount some of my attitudes - ones that may not have worked for others, but are clearly working for me and possibly other people - didn't sit well.

Ultimately, INVITING A MONKEY TO TEA was beneficial, but not before it clashed with some of my own beliefs. Everyone is entitled to their own views on different schools of thought, though, and I accept that Colier and I don't see eye to eye on everything. But I still walked away from this book with new insights on myself, especially on being more self-compassionate and mindful; and those are practices I'll gladly carry with me.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended by a friend after we completed a mindfulness meditation class which aims to not calm the mind, but recognize where the mind is at any given moment. The book begins by describing the human mind as, "a monkey in a cage who has drunk a bottle of wine and been stung by a bee. The monkey is wild and usually frantic." Yep, from the get-go I was struck by this catchy depiction of the mind, I like tea and had to read on!

So many times we read or hear people talk about well-being. I never considered comparing well-being with happiness. The author undertakes achieving a state of well-being that is deeper and larger than happiness. Ah-ha! I like this thought because it suggests contentment can arise and be sustained, even in the midst of changing circumstances and emotional shifts. This provides a way to feel grounded and well even when the contents of our life are not that way. How wonderful that I now have a way to explain that I AM DOING WELL, yet happiness may not be an appropriate term to describe how I am feeling!

The book offers itself as a roadmap of softs to discovering well-being and lasting contentment. I found it very nicely aligned with the teachings of mindfulness meditation. Having a visual of the monkey mind somehow makes it easier to accept its frequent jaunts and antics when you are TRYING to meditate! This book was packed with SO MUCH good stuff, it deserves a second read!

[JustJay · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reading this book made me feel like I had gone to the wrong therapist. I know there's a reason why I picked up this book, but the reasons got lost along the way as I was pulled into a book that I didn't necessarily agree with wholeheartedly. It just didn't end up being for me at this point in my life. While I did like some of the ideas she brought up, it was just overwhelmingly unhelpful for me. I'm definitely more into the self-help books that feel more personal in terms of the stories and how the author writes, and this was not the book for me.

4/10

[Yvonne Hautzinger · Rating 5 out of 5]

In search of the larger more connected I

Fresh perspective on well-being in the face of ephemeral happiness and seemingly uncontrollable internal dialog — looking forward to today and tomorrow’s tea with my much loved monkey.

[Angie Fehl · Rating 2 out of 5]

Right on the very first page of her introduction, psychotherapist Nancy Colier explains where this monkey idea came from -- this passage is what largely compelled me to get into the rest of this book:

"In Buddhism, it is said that the human mind is like a monkey in a cage who has drunk a bottle of wine and been stung by a bee. The monkey is wild and usually frantic. We all have one of these monkeys living inside us, yammering on about this or that, screeching its opinions and ideas, without stopping to take a breath. Our monkeys come with their own quirks and preferences, memories, feelings, stories and ways processing information. They babble on with or without our permission, ceaselessly. The problem is not that we house a monkey, but that we believe that we ARE that monkey, that we defer our identity to the monkey and follow behind these mad creatures as if they were in a position to guide us.... In order to enjoy who we really are, we must move beyond the monkey mind... We must discover the I that can hear the monkey but is not merged with it."

Now, who can't think of a time in their life where they could relate to this? I needed to know more. And that cover! How's that adorableness not going to peak at least a smidge of curiosity.

The idea is to embrace the good with the bad, celebrating life's positive moments while reframing negatives to seem less so -- not in a way to make it seem that negative moments don't exist, but more like teaching yourself to say "this is no fun right now, but this bit over here is some good I can pull out of the situation, let's focus on that." Rewiring your brain to remember that a bad day here and there is NORMAL and that it's not a sign that you're failing at life. Every so often, like maybe here recently lol, I need these reminders to keep myself going so I pick up these kind of books to see what kind of pointers they can give me to push through the rough patches.


So you got me, Colier... til you lost me.

Yeah, this one ended up being a dud for me. It had its good parts early on -- I did really like what she had to say in the "The Promise Of This Book" section as well as "The Guest House" poem ... but after a few chapters of good, the topics started to slip more into "okay, not bad" to "meh" to just flat-out dense psychobabble full of wastin' my time rhetoric, I was quickly regretting this purchase. For such a short book, the writing felt SO heavy and headache-inducing. I'd say this is one to skim / skip. But again, brownie points for the adorbs monkey ;-)

[Mardee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book. As a person who already practices meditation (albeit not as often as I should), quite a bit of the material was familiar to me but I really liked the author's reassuring tone and use of personal and client examples to help understand the concepts.

I think this would be a great book for someone new to the principles of meditation and self-acceptance, and also for those struggling with anxiety or depression. I plan to keep this one around and read it again when times are tougher than they are right now.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

Colier is able to bring the practice of mindfulness together with western psychology in an integrated way. She does a great job with the basic and intermediate material but loses the way a bit with the most esoteric aspects. Overall, one of the better and more complete East meets West books about mindfulness.

[Devon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having trouble with your mind? Join the club. And get this book. And keep it. You'll refer to it often. It took me months to read it because it's so densely packed with the kind of information you need to read and then put it down and think about it/practice it. Good one! Sometimes the clearance stacks at Barnes & Noble have some gems.

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

loved it.