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Keys to the Kingdom
A story of love, friendship and rekindled romance.
In Keys to the Kingdom, Alison A. Armstrong takes you on a journey of discovery into the workings of men, women, and relationships. Much of the information acquired during Alison's fifteen-year study of men is brought to life by the novel's charming and genuine characters. This heartfelt story communicates the type of wisdom taught in the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women® workshops.
Keys to the Kingdom appeals to both women and men. The topics discussed within are surprisingly simple to use, and contain the insights to profoundly alter the relationships between spouses, lovers, friends, co-workers, and parents and their children.
In Keys to the Kingdom, Alison A. Armstrong takes you on a journey of discovery into the workings of men, women, and relationships. Much of the information acquired during Alison's fifteen-year study of men is brought to life by the novel's charming and genuine characters. This heartfelt story communicates the type of wisdom taught in the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women® workshops.
Keys to the Kingdom appeals to both women and men. The topics discussed within are surprisingly simple to use, and contain the insights to profoundly alter the relationships between spouses, lovers, friends, co-workers, and parents and their children.
244 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 1, 2003
309 people are currently reading
1437 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 120 reviews
August 22, 2017
The central idea presented in this book is wrong. It is just plain wrong. I could rant for hours about social role theory, the shift away from the gender binary and towards the gender-as-a spectrum perspective, the use of "instrumental" and "expressive" to replace "masculine" and "feminine," and all the scientific research showing that the happiest, most well adjusted people display a balance of BOTH traits. But I'll spare you the diatribe and get to the point, which is that instead of telling women to be more "womanly" and let boys be boys, maybe we should...not be doing that???!!!!
Also, please realize that these stereotypical definitions of male/female are not 500 years old--the Victorian cult of domesticity is the source of most of our stereotypes of women as angelic emotional motherly passive beings. And that cult was the product of economic and social changes in the 19th century, particularly the rise of women working in factory jobs and gaining financial independence. So the whole thing about men reacting negatively to women in the workplace?? It does not date back to WW2, but it is very much a product of middle-class, Western culture.
Even typing the last few sentences has sent my blood pressure through the roof. I would end this review now, but I also want to say that:
1) The belief that people go from being fun-loving in their twenties to career focused in their thirties to being providers in their forties is rooted in our culture, not evolution. Nor is this a progression that only happens to men!!! I'm pretty sure that the author bastardized some aspect of Jungian psychology, or hell even tarot cards (the progression of the major arcana and the court cards provides a much more rounded view of this sort of development) to come up with her version of it.
1b) For centuries women were locked out of this path and forced to become mothers at an early age. But now, enough women are following a similar life trajectory (i.e. building careers in their twenties and thirties, considering motherhood in their late thirties and early forties) to invalidate the author's stance.
2) Operant conditioning and positive reinforcement. Look them up. These well-known behavioral tools work on everyone, including dogs and females. They are not some magical tool that women must learn from wise old ladies before they can unlock their innate super secret power of making men behave.
and 3) I am deeply, deeply bothered by the popular opinion that it is a woman's responsibility to understand men, and even alter her behavior to accommodate what the author argues is a basic biological aspect of the males of our species. First of all, we as human beings rise above our biology all the time. That's the foundation of civilization. And secondly, instead of telling women--once again!!--to be more patient and understanding of men, to do more of the heavy emotional labor in a relationship, shouldn't we as a society be teaching men how to understand themselves, their psychology and their development, so that they can be better partners, instead of just more effectively managed by women?
tl;dr 0/5 for bad use of evolutionary psychology and heteronormative sexism wrapped up in a truly awful chick-lit narrative.
Also, please realize that these stereotypical definitions of male/female are not 500 years old--the Victorian cult of domesticity is the source of most of our stereotypes of women as angelic emotional motherly passive beings. And that cult was the product of economic and social changes in the 19th century, particularly the rise of women working in factory jobs and gaining financial independence. So the whole thing about men reacting negatively to women in the workplace?? It does not date back to WW2, but it is very much a product of middle-class, Western culture.
Even typing the last few sentences has sent my blood pressure through the roof. I would end this review now, but I also want to say that:
1) The belief that people go from being fun-loving in their twenties to career focused in their thirties to being providers in their forties is rooted in our culture, not evolution. Nor is this a progression that only happens to men!!! I'm pretty sure that the author bastardized some aspect of Jungian psychology, or hell even tarot cards (the progression of the major arcana and the court cards provides a much more rounded view of this sort of development) to come up with her version of it.
1b) For centuries women were locked out of this path and forced to become mothers at an early age. But now, enough women are following a similar life trajectory (i.e. building careers in their twenties and thirties, considering motherhood in their late thirties and early forties) to invalidate the author's stance.
2) Operant conditioning and positive reinforcement. Look them up. These well-known behavioral tools work on everyone, including dogs and females. They are not some magical tool that women must learn from wise old ladies before they can unlock their innate super secret power of making men behave.
and 3) I am deeply, deeply bothered by the popular opinion that it is a woman's responsibility to understand men, and even alter her behavior to accommodate what the author argues is a basic biological aspect of the males of our species. First of all, we as human beings rise above our biology all the time. That's the foundation of civilization. And secondly, instead of telling women--once again!!--to be more patient and understanding of men, to do more of the heavy emotional labor in a relationship, shouldn't we as a society be teaching men how to understand themselves, their psychology and their development, so that they can be better partners, instead of just more effectively managed by women?
tl;dr 0/5 for bad use of evolutionary psychology and heteronormative sexism wrapped up in a truly awful chick-lit narrative.
July 29, 2009
I've read probably hundreds of books about marriage and communications. Most were not very helpful. A few were great. This one is crazy-good. The author teaches lectures about husbands and wives having a great relationship based on appreciating the uniqueness of each sex and working with what is a natural process, bringing out the best in one another .... Love it. I am curious what you think after reading it. I'm trying to get every woman I know to read it and share her thoughts.
January 17, 2025
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. RETURNING HOME:
- She shouldn’t seem too involved in something when he comes back. If she is, he’ll probably leave her alone out of courtesy.
- "Transition time" - give time to decompress before expecting him to interact.
2. OPINION:
- *Ask a man his opinion.
- Then just listen.
- Don’t interrupt.
3. PRINCE:
- Being a good partner to a Prince can be difficult.
- Mostly, it means giving him what he needs or helping him to find it.
4. IDENTITY:
- A woman needs to keep something in her life that has nothing to do with her husband or boyfriend.
- Something that expresses who she is as an individual.
- Something she is passionate about. This will help her to not lose herself in the relationship or her family.
- One of the most generous things you can do for another person is to take care of yourself (e.g. mothers, what energizes and relaxes).
5. INFORMATION:
- A woman needs to provide the information a man needs WHEN he can act on it.
- Providing men with useful information at the right time.
- Think about what you need most from him and then ask for it.
- Trust that if he can provide it, he will.
6. CRITICISM:
- Nagging, complaining and criticizing don’t teach him anything.
- *Criticism doesn’t have the same effect on a man.
- From another man, it is another opinion to consider.
- From a woman, it just makes him mad and makes him want to provide less.
7. RECEIVING:
- Receiving is an essential key to the kingdom.
8. PLAY:
- Playfulness is a quality of femininity.
- It is important for women to not lose their playfulness, no matter how old they get.
9. FEMININE POWER:
- Men derive power from happiness.
- Men need femininity. It heals their wounds, soothes their spirits, and recharges their batteries.
- It is one of the things men look for in their wives: someone who makes them more powerful by feeding them with their femininity.
- If a woman has other priorities, especially ones that tire her out, then her feminine power isn’t available to her husband.
- He suffers for it and will resent the things that she puts before him.
- And it’s easy to tell what he thinks comes before him, because he will attack them verbally.
10. INTERRUPTION:
- Key #1: Don’t interrupt a man when he’s talking.
- Don’t interject more questions or your thoughts when he’s speaking.
- Notice every time you want to say something and hold your tongue.
- Keep listening. Even when he pauses or seems finished.
1. RETURNING HOME:
- She shouldn’t seem too involved in something when he comes back. If she is, he’ll probably leave her alone out of courtesy.
- "Transition time" - give time to decompress before expecting him to interact.
2. OPINION:
- *Ask a man his opinion.
- Then just listen.
- Don’t interrupt.
3. PRINCE:
- Being a good partner to a Prince can be difficult.
- Mostly, it means giving him what he needs or helping him to find it.
4. IDENTITY:
- A woman needs to keep something in her life that has nothing to do with her husband or boyfriend.
- Something that expresses who she is as an individual.
- Something she is passionate about. This will help her to not lose herself in the relationship or her family.
- One of the most generous things you can do for another person is to take care of yourself (e.g. mothers, what energizes and relaxes).
5. INFORMATION:
- A woman needs to provide the information a man needs WHEN he can act on it.
- Providing men with useful information at the right time.
- Think about what you need most from him and then ask for it.
- Trust that if he can provide it, he will.
6. CRITICISM:
- Nagging, complaining and criticizing don’t teach him anything.
- *Criticism doesn’t have the same effect on a man.
- From another man, it is another opinion to consider.
- From a woman, it just makes him mad and makes him want to provide less.
7. RECEIVING:
- Receiving is an essential key to the kingdom.
8. PLAY:
- Playfulness is a quality of femininity.
- It is important for women to not lose their playfulness, no matter how old they get.
9. FEMININE POWER:
- Men derive power from happiness.
- Men need femininity. It heals their wounds, soothes their spirits, and recharges their batteries.
- It is one of the things men look for in their wives: someone who makes them more powerful by feeding them with their femininity.
- If a woman has other priorities, especially ones that tire her out, then her feminine power isn’t available to her husband.
- He suffers for it and will resent the things that she puts before him.
- And it’s easy to tell what he thinks comes before him, because he will attack them verbally.
10. INTERRUPTION:
- Key #1: Don’t interrupt a man when he’s talking.
- Don’t interject more questions or your thoughts when he’s speaking.
- Notice every time you want to say something and hold your tongue.
- Keep listening. Even when he pauses or seems finished.
September 30, 2011
Excellent book that clearly explains differences between the sexes and how to appreciate the unique attributes associate with each sex. I highly recommend this book to both men and women & especially to couples. As I studied this book with my now fiance she was delightfully enlightened about the various stages men experience throughout their lifetime (there are 5 - you'll have to read the book to find out what they are).
*Note: As I write this I'm currently entering my Prince phase (no, not Purple Rain) & couldn't be more excited about it.
*Note: As I write this I'm currently entering my Prince phase (no, not Purple Rain) & couldn't be more excited about it.
August 1, 2021
This was a book I read for a book club (not my choice) As others have noted, there is a great deal of helpful information here, and there's also a lot of bad fiction writing. What's very sad to me is that this could be a very good self-help book. Alison Armstrong is an excellent speaker, with a lot of stories and relationship tips gained over years of doing research and giving seminars. I wish that she would hire a good ghostwriter and write her real stories down in support of the information given here. Having an old woman tell it all to a younger woman over the course of a few weeks doesn't really work as a way to impart information. It's hard to go back and piece together different ideas that she presents.
A relationship/romance book (a good one, anyway) should seek to show us something new within the context of something we know. If Alison Armstrong really wanted to write a good fiction book, she should have hired a ghostwriter (or several) to tease out the implications of her research and ideas. The whole book reads very much like someone sat down over the course of a month and wrote a first draft of a very thin story...and then published it.
Armstrong's points about appreciating men, seeking to understand them, and listening to them are solid and interesting. However, the main character of the story is presented as a quick study. When she begins using these ideas in her marriage, there is instant success. Suddenly, she and her husband are having long, deep conversations and a ton of good sex. Okay. That was too easy. Getting over years of conflict takes work and time. Learning new information and acting on it takes work and time. I think it would have honored the story and the information a lot more if there had been more conflict, more work, more time, and also more real humor. Characters in this story smile far too often over the smallest things, use weird expressions like "Silly Billy", and one of them even whistles I'm Popeye the Sailor Man when he's happy (please, no). For a story about romance/relationships, it felt very removed from the realities of life, making it difficult to give credence to the ideas presented.
In the realm of romance/relationship fiction, there's so much that can be done. But it's not done here. Armstrong has a lot of truth to convey, and I wish she would revamp these ideas as a self-help book.
A relationship/romance book (a good one, anyway) should seek to show us something new within the context of something we know. If Alison Armstrong really wanted to write a good fiction book, she should have hired a ghostwriter (or several) to tease out the implications of her research and ideas. The whole book reads very much like someone sat down over the course of a month and wrote a first draft of a very thin story...and then published it.
Armstrong's points about appreciating men, seeking to understand them, and listening to them are solid and interesting. However, the main character of the story is presented as a quick study. When she begins using these ideas in her marriage, there is instant success. Suddenly, she and her husband are having long, deep conversations and a ton of good sex. Okay. That was too easy. Getting over years of conflict takes work and time. Learning new information and acting on it takes work and time. I think it would have honored the story and the information a lot more if there had been more conflict, more work, more time, and also more real humor. Characters in this story smile far too often over the smallest things, use weird expressions like "Silly Billy", and one of them even whistles I'm Popeye the Sailor Man when he's happy (please, no). For a story about romance/relationships, it felt very removed from the realities of life, making it difficult to give credence to the ideas presented.
In the realm of romance/relationship fiction, there's so much that can be done. But it's not done here. Armstrong has a lot of truth to convey, and I wish she would revamp these ideas as a self-help book.
June 27, 2016
I really learned a lot about men and women in this book. Yet another book that has helped change my marriage. We are more connected and happier than we have ever been in our twenty years of marriage. Daring greatly and Surrendered wife are two other books that have been pivotal on my journey of love and connection. The story is super corny and cheesy but not unbearably so. It worked. In a nutshell it discusses the Developmental stages of men and what men need from us as women.
I think the 60's up til now was important for women to take their power so that men and women could be equal partners. Now I believe it is time for the pendulum to settle back down and return to the 50's style but with the important difference of now we are doing it by choice and as equal partners. I was absolutely amazed at having my eyes opened to the differences between men and women. Shocked at how wrong I have been for years. I grew up with 3 brothers and thought I understood men but I learned so much. I highly recommend.
I think the 60's up til now was important for women to take their power so that men and women could be equal partners. Now I believe it is time for the pendulum to settle back down and return to the 50's style but with the important difference of now we are doing it by choice and as equal partners. I was absolutely amazed at having my eyes opened to the differences between men and women. Shocked at how wrong I have been for years. I grew up with 3 brothers and thought I understood men but I learned so much. I highly recommend.
December 30, 2010
I am a BIG fan of Alison Armstrong and her PAX program (www.understandmen.com). This book is essentially translating her Amazing Development of Men CD into a story format for those who prefer stories rather than "dry" nonfiction. (Although Alison's nonfiction is anything but dry!) I purchased this at a seminar several years ago and loaned to friends when I finished reading it. The story is a bit cheesy, but the content is enlightening!
May 22, 2017
Understanding male stages if development
Many gems in this book. If you've ever wanted to get to the bottom of why men act in certain ways during their lifespan this is the decoder ring. A bit cheesy in the writing style but packed with priceless information that may help demystify men's motivations!
Many gems in this book. If you've ever wanted to get to the bottom of why men act in certain ways during their lifespan this is the decoder ring. A bit cheesy in the writing style but packed with priceless information that may help demystify men's motivations!
September 4, 2019
If sexism - I mean, complementarianism - is your thing, you'll probably like this book. If patriarchy disguised as true feminine power appeals to you, go for it. If you want a Christian marriage book that hides its religious agenda well enough for you to leave it out on a coffee table, here it is. Will fit nicely alongside The Way of the Superior Man, your Bible, and the Quran.
August 10, 2021
Aweful book. Poorly written and all the advice is based in antiquated misogynistic theories of gender roles. It's quite insulting to both men and women.
March 12, 2021
Some interesting perspectives. Overall, I had a hard time with the idea that women are supposed to bend and mold and figure out why men do what they do and behave in certain ways to make our lives easier. Are we writing books that teach men how to bend and mold for women? How to better understand, love, and respect females? I struggled as an independent and strong-willed woman looking for a partner, an equal. A woman seeking a relationship that is healthy and built on mutual respect and healthy and effective communication. This book left me feeling conflicted between all the things I was taught about relationships and the mold I’m trying to break for myself.
July 31, 2019
I liked the concept of the Stages of Men's Development, but this book was terribly written and felt a little misogynist to me. Where's the book by this author on what men can do to learn more about women?
May 12, 2009
This is a very interesting book. While the story used to deliver the message is cheesey, the message itself is very interesting and thought provoking.
January 10, 2011
Loved this fictional story. Teaches with tenderness and heart while encouraging no guilt for past mistakes. Bought copies for many important women in my life!
September 22, 2024
EVERYONE should read this book! helped me understand men so clearly. cannot stop recommending and referencing it.
February 17, 2017
This book is a nice little fable, and has some interesting ideas of stages of development of men. The characters are likeable. My only issue with the book, the reason for not giving 4 stars or higher, is it seems that the author, and the book, has an agenda. Especially when they started recommending the Landmark Forum and other such organizations. It's worth reading for anyone who is trying to work on relationships, and romance.
February 9, 2023
An incomplete parable
This book shares a few keys to the kingdom in an easy to read parable-style story about a women named Karen and her failing marriage, and a wise sage who could give her the keys to the kingdom which would fix the marriage.
Spoiler alert… any independent woman may feel offended by the basic premise of accept man as they are, their selfishness will actually benefit you.
I keep trying to feel open to the information, but there is not enough or complete information. There is however a previous book, and another book after. But these books don’t really stand alone.
There is also courses one could take, but this book felt less about selling the course, which was a nice change from the previous book.
I’m not done reading the books, but I haven’t loved them yet, and they’re not making a difference in my life with my husband who may be in the longest “tunnel” in history
This book shares a few keys to the kingdom in an easy to read parable-style story about a women named Karen and her failing marriage, and a wise sage who could give her the keys to the kingdom which would fix the marriage.
Spoiler alert… any independent woman may feel offended by the basic premise of accept man as they are, their selfishness will actually benefit you.
I keep trying to feel open to the information, but there is not enough or complete information. There is however a previous book, and another book after. But these books don’t really stand alone.
There is also courses one could take, but this book felt less about selling the course, which was a nice change from the previous book.
I’m not done reading the books, but I haven’t loved them yet, and they’re not making a difference in my life with my husband who may be in the longest “tunnel” in history
December 4, 2015
Every wonder why men and women are so different and yet meant to partner together? Has this ever created tension in your cross-gender relationships be it with a spouse, grandparent, child, co-worker, friend? Have you ever thought that God mad a bad mistake when He wanted the two genders to not only get along and tolerate each other but to grow close and intimate with each other when they think so differently?
This author shares great insights into answering these questions in a way that praises and embraces the differences.
Why didn't I come across this sooner??
Written mainly with women as the target audience but very helpful to me as a man also.
Women, if you are frustrated with why men act the way they do sometimes then this book is for you.
This author shares great insights into answering these questions in a way that praises and embraces the differences.
Why didn't I come across this sooner??
Written mainly with women as the target audience but very helpful to me as a man also.
Women, if you are frustrated with why men act the way they do sometimes then this book is for you.
June 27, 2020
This book came highly recommended to me and I wanted to love it, but the fiction-story-style of getting all the info in was not my taste, so it was really hard for me to get into. That being said, I did have a few great takeaways from the book, still.
October 7, 2015
Good book
I'd give it 5 stars if I hadn't read the queens code first. I love the bit on the stages of men, it was very helpful
I'd give it 5 stars if I hadn't read the queens code first. I love the bit on the stages of men, it was very helpful
February 14, 2017
1 star on style, 4 stars on insights and advice.
December 5, 2022
Very broad brushed, but that's OK.
My main issue is that it's not really a novel. It's like a novelized form of a series of lectures. And it's not very interesting as a novel.
My main issue is that it's not really a novel. It's like a novelized form of a series of lectures. And it's not very interesting as a novel.
June 3, 2024
The writing style was too corny for me - it took away from the content in my opinion. Sharing the information as a story was a good idea, but I think the story was too over-the-top. There was too much of the "wise woman who knows everything about men but hasn't told anyone and is suffering because of it" was off-putting to me. It also felt sexist in parts.
Some of the ideas were interesting though - good examples of a book where you take what is helpful and leave the rest.
1. Transition time for men (since they don't multi-task like woman and have 1 operating system running unlike women) - "Transition Time can involve a lot of different things, but there’s a ritual that a man goes through to shift from what he’s been doing out in the world to being at home."
2. Focusing on listening more and waiting longer while listening to your partner
3. Continue having your own hobbies - “As women, one of our strengths is our ability to adapt. It is a critical ability. I don’t think humans would have survived without women being this way. But the other side of that ability is a weak sense of ourselves. At least compared to men.”
4. Not setting up your partner to fail - "Okay, you would say, ‘Wow, I’m so happy it’s my birthday next Tuesday.’ A few days later, you would tell him what you wanted to do for your birthday and make sure to ask if he can. Then, the day before your birthday, you would say, ‘I can’t believe it, when I wake up, I’ll be thirty-nine!’ In the morning you could say, ‘Hey handsome, kiss the birthday girl!’ You see what I mean about a happy pop-up?” Karen barely nodded. “Sounds kind of silly. Does it work?” Claudia nodded. “Yes, it really works. And not doing it can be disastrous. Every year for my birthday, while Burt was a Middle Prince, I was tempted to see if he would remember. Even with what I know, I’m still a woman, you see. We always want to know they’re thinking about us. The year I didn’t provide the pop-up, he completely forgot and was mortified. It was as if someone had let all the air out of his balloon. I felt terrible. I had set him up to fail.” Karen looked stricken. She agreed, sadly, “Yep, I’ve done that plenty of times.”
5. Being "pit crew" for your partner (and them for you) - "I thought of you like a long distance driver with pit stops. I was the pit crew, as well as your biggest fan. I tried to anticipate what you needed to keep going at full speed, with a full tank of gas and four good tires."
6. Be your partner's friend - "Be his friend. This is another key to the kingdom. When we are someone’s friend, we listen to them and their lives in a concerned but detached sort of way. Because what is happening to them doesn’t affect our lives. With husbands or boyfriends we tend to listen like everything will have an effect on us. That makes us very attached and not safe to talk to. It makes us a lousy friend, because we are mostly concerned with ourselves, not them. Pretend Mike is your friend and just care about him.”
7. Stages in a man's life: "For Knights it’s adventure, which makes them sexy; for Princes it’s building, which makes them very serious; and for Kings it’s providing, which gives them weight and stature. For Tunnel-men, it’s questions, wonderings and doubts. I think it makes them cute. Unless of course, you are trying to get them to commit to something; then it makes them infuriating.”
8. "not receiving is selfish and receiving is generous" when someone wants to give to you / provide
9. Self-care increases feminity because being feminine requires energy.
10. "The way I was taught to check myself is by looking at the results. Am I empowered? Is he empowered? Or is one of us weakened? If we’re both more alive or happy or able to pursue our dreams, then I’m probably on the right track."
Some of the ideas were interesting though - good examples of a book where you take what is helpful and leave the rest.
1. Transition time for men (since they don't multi-task like woman and have 1 operating system running unlike women) - "Transition Time can involve a lot of different things, but there’s a ritual that a man goes through to shift from what he’s been doing out in the world to being at home."
2. Focusing on listening more and waiting longer while listening to your partner
3. Continue having your own hobbies - “As women, one of our strengths is our ability to adapt. It is a critical ability. I don’t think humans would have survived without women being this way. But the other side of that ability is a weak sense of ourselves. At least compared to men.”
4. Not setting up your partner to fail - "Okay, you would say, ‘Wow, I’m so happy it’s my birthday next Tuesday.’ A few days later, you would tell him what you wanted to do for your birthday and make sure to ask if he can. Then, the day before your birthday, you would say, ‘I can’t believe it, when I wake up, I’ll be thirty-nine!’ In the morning you could say, ‘Hey handsome, kiss the birthday girl!’ You see what I mean about a happy pop-up?” Karen barely nodded. “Sounds kind of silly. Does it work?” Claudia nodded. “Yes, it really works. And not doing it can be disastrous. Every year for my birthday, while Burt was a Middle Prince, I was tempted to see if he would remember. Even with what I know, I’m still a woman, you see. We always want to know they’re thinking about us. The year I didn’t provide the pop-up, he completely forgot and was mortified. It was as if someone had let all the air out of his balloon. I felt terrible. I had set him up to fail.” Karen looked stricken. She agreed, sadly, “Yep, I’ve done that plenty of times.”
5. Being "pit crew" for your partner (and them for you) - "I thought of you like a long distance driver with pit stops. I was the pit crew, as well as your biggest fan. I tried to anticipate what you needed to keep going at full speed, with a full tank of gas and four good tires."
6. Be your partner's friend - "Be his friend. This is another key to the kingdom. When we are someone’s friend, we listen to them and their lives in a concerned but detached sort of way. Because what is happening to them doesn’t affect our lives. With husbands or boyfriends we tend to listen like everything will have an effect on us. That makes us very attached and not safe to talk to. It makes us a lousy friend, because we are mostly concerned with ourselves, not them. Pretend Mike is your friend and just care about him.”
7. Stages in a man's life: "For Knights it’s adventure, which makes them sexy; for Princes it’s building, which makes them very serious; and for Kings it’s providing, which gives them weight and stature. For Tunnel-men, it’s questions, wonderings and doubts. I think it makes them cute. Unless of course, you are trying to get them to commit to something; then it makes them infuriating.”
8. "not receiving is selfish and receiving is generous" when someone wants to give to you / provide
9. Self-care increases feminity because being feminine requires energy.
10. "The way I was taught to check myself is by looking at the results. Am I empowered? Is he empowered? Or is one of us weakened? If we’re both more alive or happy or able to pursue our dreams, then I’m probably on the right track."
November 1, 2023
In this excellent book Alison Armstrong creates two fictional characters. Claudia Lambert is a senior citizen who seeks to share her knowledge of the stages of a man’s life and how a woman he loves can be supportive through understanding those stages through both being a good listener and also through receiving the love that the man has to give.
Armstrong carefully explains the stages of a man’s life and how the evolution goes from pages , to prince, to a valley or “tunnel” of confusion or lack of clarity of his purpose in life and who he wants to be , on to a more resolute “king”. These stages, called Pages, Knights, Princes and Kings, explain the changes in motivation, and in needs. These stages also offer evidence how his change in capacities affect every part of men’s lives from their relationships with work, to friendships and family.
Especially remarkable the characters acknowledge that when men are emasculated and criticized in effort to make them powerless, the result is being less available to them not more available to them.
Over the course of the mentoring sessions, Claudia imparts the code of wisdom that allows Karen to become enlightened in the revelation that the source of the constant arguing in her relationship with Mike is in "the Tunnel", a profoundly challenging transition between Prince and King. The near term arrival of Mike as her "King" fuels her determination to learn the "keys to the kingdom."
As Claudia seeks to pass on the wisdom to a young woman in the character of Karen Trevini, especially poignant when Karen has the revelation that gift giving for men approaching the king stage and perhaps throughout their lives is not something that is “deserved” and therefore received, but instead is freely given as an act of love. When a man gives a gift as an act of love, it is not out of obligation for a reciprocal action in which case it would not be a “gift”. Karen realizes that the man is giving out of love and service not out of a return of some favor or obligation, and that he feels respected when the gift is received; receiving the gift is in fact also an act of love.
This remarkable book would be of great benefit to help those women , especially the slew of divorced women seeking and looking for the magic love of butterflies of their youth , that doesn’t in fact exist and never did exist really in the exact way they believed.
Through this understanding of the stages of men’s lives, Alison Armstrong presents a secret code the character Claudia wants to pass on to the younger Karen. This code in turn, could allow for the growth of women in their autonomy and the power their femininity, and can represent an opportunity for the man to consistently provide the love they seek, the intimacy they seek, the financial security they seek , and the companionship and commitment they seek. This is not In surrogate an approval from their peer group, who indeed cannot ever provide the love they are seeking from a man, especially when the group seeks to criticize or emasculate the man the woman is seeking to receive love, commitment, companionship and financial security from.
Alison Armstrong’s book an outstanding opportunity to take a look into the fluid dynamics of relationships between men and women and a set of tools to navigate the natural turbulence, or positive energies of fulfillment the relationship could instead provide when the stream of love is not damned.
Armstrong carefully explains the stages of a man’s life and how the evolution goes from pages , to prince, to a valley or “tunnel” of confusion or lack of clarity of his purpose in life and who he wants to be , on to a more resolute “king”. These stages, called Pages, Knights, Princes and Kings, explain the changes in motivation, and in needs. These stages also offer evidence how his change in capacities affect every part of men’s lives from their relationships with work, to friendships and family.
Especially remarkable the characters acknowledge that when men are emasculated and criticized in effort to make them powerless, the result is being less available to them not more available to them.
Over the course of the mentoring sessions, Claudia imparts the code of wisdom that allows Karen to become enlightened in the revelation that the source of the constant arguing in her relationship with Mike is in "the Tunnel", a profoundly challenging transition between Prince and King. The near term arrival of Mike as her "King" fuels her determination to learn the "keys to the kingdom."
As Claudia seeks to pass on the wisdom to a young woman in the character of Karen Trevini, especially poignant when Karen has the revelation that gift giving for men approaching the king stage and perhaps throughout their lives is not something that is “deserved” and therefore received, but instead is freely given as an act of love. When a man gives a gift as an act of love, it is not out of obligation for a reciprocal action in which case it would not be a “gift”. Karen realizes that the man is giving out of love and service not out of a return of some favor or obligation, and that he feels respected when the gift is received; receiving the gift is in fact also an act of love.
This remarkable book would be of great benefit to help those women , especially the slew of divorced women seeking and looking for the magic love of butterflies of their youth , that doesn’t in fact exist and never did exist really in the exact way they believed.
Through this understanding of the stages of men’s lives, Alison Armstrong presents a secret code the character Claudia wants to pass on to the younger Karen. This code in turn, could allow for the growth of women in their autonomy and the power their femininity, and can represent an opportunity for the man to consistently provide the love they seek, the intimacy they seek, the financial security they seek , and the companionship and commitment they seek. This is not In surrogate an approval from their peer group, who indeed cannot ever provide the love they are seeking from a man, especially when the group seeks to criticize or emasculate the man the woman is seeking to receive love, commitment, companionship and financial security from.
Alison Armstrong’s book an outstanding opportunity to take a look into the fluid dynamics of relationships between men and women and a set of tools to navigate the natural turbulence, or positive energies of fulfillment the relationship could instead provide when the stream of love is not damned.
March 29, 2024
I'm struggling with this one.
I was hoping to finish this with a strong understanding and new appreciation and respect for men... Instead I feel like this book makes a lot of excuses for how men behave. It paints a very unappealing picture of the life of a wife on the journey of a man and his stages throughout life. One of constant compromise and servitude and sacrifice.
When he is in his knight stage (twenties - early thirties), he is constantly wanting adventure and finding himself. At which point he won't want to be tied down... Okay...
Then he goes in his prince stages (early, middle and late) where he is building his kingdom. In this stage he either wants a wife to build it with or he wants the Kingdom first before he settles down. However, regardless of that... All he will have time for is his work. You will have to pick up the slack throughout and be grateful for any little bit of attention he gives you. Throughout this stage, he's still open to suggestion. And if you have kids with them in this stage?? Forget about it.. it's up to you to manage their time with the kids. (In the knight stage they were the fun parent, in this one, they're the absent parent unless physically told otherwise)
Then the tunneling stage which is what everyone calls midlife crisis... Where he's plagued by questions about his foundation and who he is.
Then if he ever comes out of that, he comes out as a king. This is where he constantly gives advice whether you ask for it or not. Must be respected and must receive all his gifts with respect or he'll find someone else who will... (Although apparently make attentive parents in this stage)
Like i understand thinking about it on a biological level and reducing it to animalistic intentions is meant to make it easier to swallow but honestly... In today's age when it's not necessary to be with a partner... This book does more to convince me to stay single than it does to be with a man. It's hard to pick out what the actual benefits are other than a life of struggle and heartache.
The main elder and knowledgeable couple who have been through all of this and are still in love are cute, don't get me wrong. They're constantly doing things for each other and work well in partnership but it almost makes you think... Is that the end goal, all the hard work for something that's not promised? Who is to say we make it to that age... And while the new couple who are going through a rough patch get back on track and fall back in love with each other... The amount the woman has to sacrifice and change of herself just for the man to think of her, seems wrong...
It's left an unpleasant taste on my mouth. I'm hoping the next book .. the queens something... Will help me digest this more as I don't want to completely give up on the idea of relationships but this hasn't opened my up the way I had hoped it would.
I was hoping to finish this with a strong understanding and new appreciation and respect for men... Instead I feel like this book makes a lot of excuses for how men behave. It paints a very unappealing picture of the life of a wife on the journey of a man and his stages throughout life. One of constant compromise and servitude and sacrifice.
When he is in his knight stage (twenties - early thirties), he is constantly wanting adventure and finding himself. At which point he won't want to be tied down... Okay...
Then he goes in his prince stages (early, middle and late) where he is building his kingdom. In this stage he either wants a wife to build it with or he wants the Kingdom first before he settles down. However, regardless of that... All he will have time for is his work. You will have to pick up the slack throughout and be grateful for any little bit of attention he gives you. Throughout this stage, he's still open to suggestion. And if you have kids with them in this stage?? Forget about it.. it's up to you to manage their time with the kids. (In the knight stage they were the fun parent, in this one, they're the absent parent unless physically told otherwise)
Then the tunneling stage which is what everyone calls midlife crisis... Where he's plagued by questions about his foundation and who he is.
Then if he ever comes out of that, he comes out as a king. This is where he constantly gives advice whether you ask for it or not. Must be respected and must receive all his gifts with respect or he'll find someone else who will... (Although apparently make attentive parents in this stage)
Like i understand thinking about it on a biological level and reducing it to animalistic intentions is meant to make it easier to swallow but honestly... In today's age when it's not necessary to be with a partner... This book does more to convince me to stay single than it does to be with a man. It's hard to pick out what the actual benefits are other than a life of struggle and heartache.
The main elder and knowledgeable couple who have been through all of this and are still in love are cute, don't get me wrong. They're constantly doing things for each other and work well in partnership but it almost makes you think... Is that the end goal, all the hard work for something that's not promised? Who is to say we make it to that age... And while the new couple who are going through a rough patch get back on track and fall back in love with each other... The amount the woman has to sacrifice and change of herself just for the man to think of her, seems wrong...
It's left an unpleasant taste on my mouth. I'm hoping the next book .. the queens something... Will help me digest this more as I don't want to completely give up on the idea of relationships but this hasn't opened my up the way I had hoped it would.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 26, 2025
I've read dating and gender psychology books before (for the past 23 years) and this was something new for me. I had never read one in the form of a fictional story. Though it threw me off my normal note-taking groove, I did appreciate showing and not just telling. It helped me see and feel more emotions and become more invested. It also let me feel like I was being let in on a secret society full of all the secrets to a better, more fulfilling life and relationships. Claudia and Burt are #goals. They are both highly self-aware, also the intimacy and adoration they have for each other is amazing.
I also enjoyed being able to search and find the hidden clues of how someone felt or reacted based on the other's actions/words. In real life people aren't so "this is why I do this and this is what I felt when you said what you said."
This book and the sequel were more expensive than I would have thought, but 2 minutes after finishing the first, I immediately bought the second without a second thought. I'm craving more. I can already see how my relationships will be helped, how I view women differently and how I view males. I even did a little experiment of my own with a new friend's children I just met. The little boy was very hyper and over active and the people in his family were being very dismissive. So I just asked what he was into and he settled down a bit, focused, and had a lot to say. He was quite knowledgeable about the subject content.
I also enjoyed being able to search and find the hidden clues of how someone felt or reacted based on the other's actions/words. In real life people aren't so "this is why I do this and this is what I felt when you said what you said."
This book and the sequel were more expensive than I would have thought, but 2 minutes after finishing the first, I immediately bought the second without a second thought. I'm craving more. I can already see how my relationships will be helped, how I view women differently and how I view males. I even did a little experiment of my own with a new friend's children I just met. The little boy was very hyper and over active and the people in his family were being very dismissive. So I just asked what he was into and he settled down a bit, focused, and had a lot to say. He was quite knowledgeable about the subject content.
March 15, 2024
Me: cis/straight man.
The good: I think the author is making a sincere attempt to help couples understand each other. I have experienced negative male stereotypes, and it is gratifying to hear a woman saying that men need to be treated with dignity/sensitivity/understanding. I think generally there is not enough discussion about mens emotional lives, so this is good.
The bad: This is written as fiction because it is not research based, it's just what the author has come up with based on her life experience. She essentially replaces the negative stereotypes of men with a positive one. It's almost comically 2-dimensional though, men like working on their cars, they're woodworkers and construction workers. When two men meet in the story one recognizes the other as a "man's man" (wtf). Young boys are all rambunctious risk takers. It goes further though. Men apparently know themselves better than women, and women are more likely to adapt themselves to their men and more likely to lose their sense of themselves. Empathy is a feminine trait that is the domain of the wife-mothers. None of this rings true for me as a cis/straight man, so it grates to read this proclaimed as deep insights into the true nature of men & women. It's all very idealized and lovely on the surface but some really dreadful regressive stereotypes underneath.
The good: I think the author is making a sincere attempt to help couples understand each other. I have experienced negative male stereotypes, and it is gratifying to hear a woman saying that men need to be treated with dignity/sensitivity/understanding. I think generally there is not enough discussion about mens emotional lives, so this is good.
The bad: This is written as fiction because it is not research based, it's just what the author has come up with based on her life experience. She essentially replaces the negative stereotypes of men with a positive one. It's almost comically 2-dimensional though, men like working on their cars, they're woodworkers and construction workers. When two men meet in the story one recognizes the other as a "man's man" (wtf). Young boys are all rambunctious risk takers. It goes further though. Men apparently know themselves better than women, and women are more likely to adapt themselves to their men and more likely to lose their sense of themselves. Empathy is a feminine trait that is the domain of the wife-mothers. None of this rings true for me as a cis/straight man, so it grates to read this proclaimed as deep insights into the true nature of men & women. It's all very idealized and lovely on the surface but some really dreadful regressive stereotypes underneath.
August 24, 2025
A good foundation to the Queen's Code
I read first the Queen's Code and I read in the reviews that I should read this one too. And they were right.
Even though it's a little bit slower than the next one, it gave me the chance to understand everything better, by reading it and taking breaks.
I cam say now that I feel like I understand women and men better now, and with Alison's book and listening to Adam Lane Smith on YouTube about the attachement styles people have, everything kinda clicked for me.
I really recommend this book and The Queen's Code. They are the types of books I will always recommend for self improvement and relationships advice, along with Boundaries, Made to be a Help Meet, The love dare and 12 rules for life. I want now to have a paper copy so I can borrow it to friends.
I will say though that you have to have a soften heart for you to understand this book and for itnto really work for you. And even if you don't hate men, it will really show you all the resentment and mistrust you might have towards men.
The only negative thing I would say is that they should review the formating of the ebook, it had words hyphenated in random places.
Also what makes this book speacial for me is that it's written as a novel, so you can really get to understand, and see things work out in characters lifes.
I read first the Queen's Code and I read in the reviews that I should read this one too. And they were right.
Even though it's a little bit slower than the next one, it gave me the chance to understand everything better, by reading it and taking breaks.
I cam say now that I feel like I understand women and men better now, and with Alison's book and listening to Adam Lane Smith on YouTube about the attachement styles people have, everything kinda clicked for me.
I really recommend this book and The Queen's Code. They are the types of books I will always recommend for self improvement and relationships advice, along with Boundaries, Made to be a Help Meet, The love dare and 12 rules for life. I want now to have a paper copy so I can borrow it to friends.
I will say though that you have to have a soften heart for you to understand this book and for itnto really work for you. And even if you don't hate men, it will really show you all the resentment and mistrust you might have towards men.
The only negative thing I would say is that they should review the formating of the ebook, it had words hyphenated in random places.
Also what makes this book speacial for me is that it's written as a novel, so you can really get to understand, and see things work out in characters lifes.
October 6, 2025
If you’re a woman and this book has sent you into a blood boiling rage, you may need to step back and ask yourself why. It did send me into a few moments of blind rage, but further in I do understand what this woman is doing and why she is doing it. The book offers excellent advice so those who WANT and DESIRE a healthy relationship with men, can have a better understanding of how their minds work. As I have lived with a man, and have called it quits twice now, HE suggested this book after listening to her on some podcast episodes. HE admitted his wrongs and was able to see where he messed up, this book did NOT boost his ego nor give him a false sense of security when it comes to women. Instead, it HELPED him and I can see where it is helpful to those who are WILLING to open their mind and their hearts. Biologically men are different from women, and she expresses these differences and how through generations things have changed, and can be different and how society did start to hate men. Are there bad men out there? Absolutely. This isn’t about those men. This about the ones who want a partnership, and both sides end up unhappy for one reason or another. I highly recommend this book to those with sons, brothers, uncles, etc. if you have an open mind and open heart, or are willing to learn and see what these books are about go ahead and crack it open.
February 11, 2024
I think it's absolutely a brilliant idea to show characters in fiction using relationship development skills in practice, and to demonstrate through fiction the factual differences in the ways men and women's brains are wired. This is a lovely idea, and this book does that at the level of execution that this author was capable of doing. I can imagine that it could have been so much MORE if the author had worked with a gifted fiction writer to come up with something subtle and powerful that really sticks. Maybe she'll keep trying, or inspire others to try. Because I am completely onboard with that concept.
Is this the ideal use of fiction to teach the principles that Alison Armstrong has studied and shared in her other works? No, but it's fine for what it is. Her idea is that stories make a big impression on people and the lessons of stories sink in better than lecture. Only she's not a gifted fiction writer. The story is literally one person teaching others Armstrong's work. It's still lectures. It isn't as much bringing the ideas to life with examples of people using them everyday as it is teaching. Don't get me wrong, there's a little of the former, but it's mostly the latter. It wasn't a compelling story, but it was fine for what it is.
Is this the ideal use of fiction to teach the principles that Alison Armstrong has studied and shared in her other works? No, but it's fine for what it is. Her idea is that stories make a big impression on people and the lessons of stories sink in better than lecture. Only she's not a gifted fiction writer. The story is literally one person teaching others Armstrong's work. It's still lectures. It isn't as much bringing the ideas to life with examples of people using them everyday as it is teaching. Don't get me wrong, there's a little of the former, but it's mostly the latter. It wasn't a compelling story, but it was fine for what it is.
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