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Mom's House, Dad's House
Now revised, updated, and expanded, this groundbreaking guide for parents and professionals covers the legal, financial, and emotional realities of creating two happy and stable homes for children in the aftermath of a divorce, including custody arrangements, mediation, and more.
Can children flourish in any custody situation? If their parents read Mom’s House, Dad’s House, the answer is a resounding yes. This unique ground-breaking classic, which has become the standard for two generations of parents, is again breaking new ground with examples, self-tests, checklists, and guidelines. This comprehensive guide looks anew at the needs of all concerned with even more creative options and commonsense advice,
· The map to a “decent divorce” and two happy homes; healing yourself and your children; the New Family Bill of Rights after separation.
· Helping your children with age-specific advice; explaining change, giving them continuity and security; restabilizing their sense of home and family; danger signals; five ways to evaluate your children’s time.
· Negotiating Parental Agreements; legal do’s and don’ts; time arrangements; custody types; attorneys; how to get ready for negotiations; when to use mediation; using “HIRT” test when an agreement is broken.
· Breaking away from “negative intimacy” with a difficult ex; how to talk to your former mate; steps to building a “businesslike” relationship as parents; how to avoid becoming the neighborhood “soap opera”
· Sidestepping destructive myths; making the emotions, “flashbacks,” and heartbreak of separation or divorce work for you and your child.
· Handling long-distance parenting; managing the return of an absent parent, holidays, remarriage, life without another parent
Can children flourish in any custody situation? If their parents read Mom’s House, Dad’s House, the answer is a resounding yes. This unique ground-breaking classic, which has become the standard for two generations of parents, is again breaking new ground with examples, self-tests, checklists, and guidelines. This comprehensive guide looks anew at the needs of all concerned with even more creative options and commonsense advice,
· The map to a “decent divorce” and two happy homes; healing yourself and your children; the New Family Bill of Rights after separation.
· Helping your children with age-specific advice; explaining change, giving them continuity and security; restabilizing their sense of home and family; danger signals; five ways to evaluate your children’s time.
· Negotiating Parental Agreements; legal do’s and don’ts; time arrangements; custody types; attorneys; how to get ready for negotiations; when to use mediation; using “HIRT” test when an agreement is broken.
· Breaking away from “negative intimacy” with a difficult ex; how to talk to your former mate; steps to building a “businesslike” relationship as parents; how to avoid becoming the neighborhood “soap opera”
· Sidestepping destructive myths; making the emotions, “flashbacks,” and heartbreak of separation or divorce work for you and your child.
· Handling long-distance parenting; managing the return of an absent parent, holidays, remarriage, life without another parent
557 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 1, 1980
150 people are currently reading
347 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
April 23, 2023
Mom's House, Dad's House is a deserved classic of the divorce advice genre, which has become conventional wisdom.
The basic premise of the book is that the children of divorce deserve two homes where they feel secure, which can be provided by a professional relationship between co-parents. There are barriers to this ideal, both pragmatic, because splitting a household is inherently disruptive and finances are strained, but also largely emotional.
On the emotional front, the first trap is escaping from negative intimacy. In a marriage that is dissolving, previous closeness has been replaced by damage. You're still tied to your partner, but you don't like them, and the feeling is mutual. It's very unlikely to flip negative intimacy to positive intimacy, because life isn't an anime where you're dueling in prototype mecha and hooking up afterwards, but you can build a professional relationship based on clear expectations of doing best by your children, which can become a friendship after years.
A second trap is your own emotional instability, either caused by the stress of divorce, the opportunities of your new life, or flashbacks of intimacy relating to your own partner. Whatever you're feeling, you have to be there for your kids, and be stable and supportive, because they need you.
And finally, the third emotional harm is toxic language around visitation, custody, and exes, which treats one parent as less important, less involved, and the relationship between the two people are defined by common trauma rather than shared interest in their child.
The only mark against this book is a certain obsolescence. Originally written in the 1980s and updated in 1997, it assumes some heteronormativity, and offers technological solutions for problems which are trivially solved by smartphones.
The basic premise of the book is that the children of divorce deserve two homes where they feel secure, which can be provided by a professional relationship between co-parents. There are barriers to this ideal, both pragmatic, because splitting a household is inherently disruptive and finances are strained, but also largely emotional.
On the emotional front, the first trap is escaping from negative intimacy. In a marriage that is dissolving, previous closeness has been replaced by damage. You're still tied to your partner, but you don't like them, and the feeling is mutual. It's very unlikely to flip negative intimacy to positive intimacy, because life isn't an anime where you're dueling in prototype mecha and hooking up afterwards, but you can build a professional relationship based on clear expectations of doing best by your children, which can become a friendship after years.
A second trap is your own emotional instability, either caused by the stress of divorce, the opportunities of your new life, or flashbacks of intimacy relating to your own partner. Whatever you're feeling, you have to be there for your kids, and be stable and supportive, because they need you.
And finally, the third emotional harm is toxic language around visitation, custody, and exes, which treats one parent as less important, less involved, and the relationship between the two people are defined by common trauma rather than shared interest in their child.
The only mark against this book is a certain obsolescence. Originally written in the 1980s and updated in 1997, it assumes some heteronormativity, and offers technological solutions for problems which are trivially solved by smartphones.
May 13, 2016
A lot of it seemed fairly basic to me. For example, how many people who'd bother to pick up a book like this need to be told not to trash talk the other parent in front of their kids? On the plus side, it does use EXTENSIVE subheadings, which makes it highly skimmable, and, I expect, easy to use as a reference if one hits co-parenting trouble spots.
A little disappointed based on the source of the recommendation, and how dated and socio-economically dated much of it feels, but it was okay. 2.5 maybe.
A little disappointed based on the source of the recommendation, and how dated and socio-economically dated much of it feels, but it was okay. 2.5 maybe.
May 21, 2020
I shouldn't have bothered with this 1997 edition, it's so way outdated. I got much more out of Ricci's 2006 version written for kids. The divorce process has evolved so much over the years, and it's totally worth it to focus on modern developments like mediation, nesting, collaborative law and much as I cringe at the pretentiousness of the term, "conscientious uncoupling".
March 15, 2022
I was impressed with the wealth of knowledge in this book. I feel like you could get a lot out of it even if you were not in the situation of making two separate homes for your child. Of course you wouldn't purchase it otherwise but I just wanted to point out that it has a lot of information for anybody that's going through a major change and/or separation. It also was very accurate on reasons why you should stay out of court to the best of your ability. She then reinforces how to go about it in the event that you have no other option. I feel like the author was very thorough. She even covered long distance parenting and how to bond. She devoted a lot to the parent that wants to come back into the child's life after not having been around. She non-judgmentally plays both sides on this subject. As the parent who has been absent and why they may have felt shut out. Also the parent that has been there and why they might feel insecure letting the other parent back in. She really spoke to her readers in this book. She didn't play that little Minecraft that a lot of authors play in making sure they established their good morals and pointing out that you need to think of your child first. I feel like that's common sense and if somebody is not able to do that, and the author is not going to be able to resonate with that person by just putting those lines in. I feel like when people do that they are just covering their own reputation but this author was very respectful of all possible situations and with speaking to her readers specifically. I would definitely recommend this book
August 19, 2024
This book walks you through all the steps you would need and answers almost all the questions you may have, but more importantly it makes you ask questions you didn't even know you need to ask.
From practical examples, to advice, to helping you understand terminology, I found myself more prepared during what is a challenging time in life. I recommend it to anybody who is going through this.
Yes, some of the book is dated, and some applies just to US readers, but I knew that going in, so I'm not going to deduct points for that.
It focuses a lot on keeping the peace for the child's sake and having his best interest in mind at any step. Even if you think some of the advice is self-explanatory, seeing examples and different wording might still help you put things into perspective.
From practical examples, to advice, to helping you understand terminology, I found myself more prepared during what is a challenging time in life. I recommend it to anybody who is going through this.
Yes, some of the book is dated, and some applies just to US readers, but I knew that going in, so I'm not going to deduct points for that.
It focuses a lot on keeping the peace for the child's sake and having his best interest in mind at any step. Even if you think some of the advice is self-explanatory, seeing examples and different wording might still help you put things into perspective.
August 30, 2019
Not as helpful as I was hoping for. Definitely best for people just divorcing, not so much for people who have been separated for years and want to co-parent better. Also, it could use an update. It talks about giving your kid a beeper to stay in touch with you when at the other parent's house.
February 14, 2025
If you ever go through a break-up, especially with children involved, then this is the book to read. It will instruct and give you good advice about everything, both about the things you already thought about and the things that haven't crossed your mind (yet).
September 22, 2025
Good easy to follow book on simple things to make transitions easier for kids. Easier if all adults prescribe to the methods and ideas in the book but still a helfpul book even if it is just you following the suggestions.
January 15, 2018
Not a bad book but at the moment at least the child is happy
July 15, 2018
My kid's counselor handed this to me and recommended that we read it. I found one of the sections gave me some things to think about, but most of the book was not relevant, and a lot was outdated.
July 20, 2022
Love this book! One of the best coparenting books/resources out there.
March 19, 2024
Pretty antiquated advice and language.
August 8, 2024
I bet this would've been helpful if my divorce situation was typical. That said, I don't see it being useful for my situation. Good information and good ideas, but, alas, I was not so lucky.
August 19, 2024
Dated, but good content.
February 11, 2025
This has some helpful insights. I think it would be most helpful to newly separated or divorced parents.
March 5, 2010
I know this book is not for everyone, just for those who are going through something like what I am going through. But I would highly recommend it for those in need of guidance. It is helping me to understand what to say to my kids, and how to raise them in a single parent household. They seem to respond well to the changes I have implemented so far. But this book reads like a textbook, so it will be a very long time before I finish!
April 4, 2012
It's hard to "enjoy" this book, since you're only likely to be reading it if you find yourself in difficult circumstances. But it's well-organized and clearly written. A useful resource offering common sense to those in need.
June 22, 2013
Very usefel book that I'm sure I will refer to multiple times over the years. It gave me quite a lot to think about and helped me prioritize what I really want for my kids during this difficult time. I really wish that my ex would read it!
June 27, 2015
How do you explain to your children that things will be different at home than they are at dad's? This book is full of helpful tools and answers to make your child's transition from home to home a little easier.
March 5, 2016
I love the way she was preformed, very natural fluent,very demonstrative, she knows how to catches the children attention. very good book for children to cop-with today parents and the family split.
March 4, 2008
Best book for anyone going through a divorce with children - best for emotional insight and pure practicality.
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March 27, 2008306.8'9
August 20, 2008
A guide to dealing with joint custody scenarios.
November 8, 2008
This is my favorite book for divorcing parents, and it inspired the name of my blog, Dad's House. Read my review: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/07/29/g...
July 5, 2011
Great book for any parent that shares custody of their child.
July 26, 2011
Great resource for divorcing parents.
June 9, 2016
I found this to be an excellent resource for a sad situation.
Good advice for making mature "business like" decisions for the welfare of affected children...
Good advice for making mature "business like" decisions for the welfare of affected children...
July 26, 2016
It's obviously a bit out of date today, but it remains valuable to sell the idea of a two-home approach to parenting after divorce. While this is becoming more common, it hasn't caught on everywhere.
July 9, 2022
Exceptional. A manual for families in these circumstances.
July 18, 2011
Great parenting book....very useful...
Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews