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Star Wars Legends: Audio Dramas
Star Wars: We Don't Do Weddings - The Band's Tale
Nothing has stirred the world's imagination like the Star Wars "RM" trilogy of films. Now, go beyond the scope of the trilogy, delving into stories that don't end with the credits, and thrill to the further adventures of the wild and wooly characters from the famous Mos Eisley cantina scene in the original Star Wars "RM" film. This dramatic, digitally produced audio recording, loaded with original Star Wars music and full-stereo sound effects, brings the otherworldly outposts visited by the likes of Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Darth Vader, and Jabba the Hutt vividly and unforgettably to life.
We Don't do Weddings
The Band's Tale
Figrin Da'n and the Modal Nodes, bopping Bithians, members in good standing of the Intergalactic Federation of Musicians, were under exclusive contract to Jabba's Palace. They were hoofing it up when Jabba's arch rival sent E522, a recycled assassin droid, to make them an offer they couldn't refuse.
Figrin Da'n didn't do weddings. But Lady Valerian had imported herself a Whipid mate from her homeworld and was dead set on getting hitched in high style. And what with Figrin Da'n's gambling debts, three thousand credits could set him up just fine. But before they could cut the cake, Lady Val's bounty hunter bridegroom took Jabba's bait, skipped town to find Han Solo, and the party exploded into murderous mayhem.
This exclusive Star Wars "RM" audio dramatization features a wall-to-wall mix of densely interwoven environmental sounds, and authentic Star Wars "RM" special effects. Scored with John Williams' original Star Wars "RM" music and Bith band compositions, We Don't Do Weddings makes for truly out-of-this-world listening entertainment.
1 pages, Audio CD
First published July 1, 1995
32 people want to read
About the author
Kathy Tyers
33 books236 followersShe is the first child of Dr. H.C. Moore, an accomplished dentist and jazz musician who had served during WWII as a test pilot, and Barbara Putnam Moore, flutist with several California orchestras.
Kathy attended Montana State University in Bozeman, where she received a degree in microbiology, married, performed widely on her flute, and then became certified as a K-12 classroom teacher. After teaching primary grades for three years, she retired to start a family. Her only son took long naps and enjoyed playing alone, so in 1983 she set her electric typewriter on her kitchen table and started writing a book. Shortly after finishing the first draft, she joined a writers group, where she learned to critique and self-edit. First novel FIREBIRD was published by Bantam Spectra books in 1987, followed by FUSION FIRE, CRYSTAL WITNESS, and SHIVERING WORLD.
In 1993, her Bantam Spectra editor asked if she’d like to be a Star Wars © writer. THE TRUCE AT BAKURA hit the bestseller list, and life got hectic, exciting, and generally crazy for a while.
After one more novel for Bantam Spectra (ONE MIND’S EYE), Kathy took a sabbatical to deal with family issues. Targeting the Christian Booksellers Association market, she attended several writers conferences before concluding that no CBA publisher was interested in science fiction. She made three attempts to write a contemporary women’s novel, then turned back to her secret passion, which was to revive the unfinished FIREBIRD series. A year later, she connected with Steve Laube of Bethany House Publishers. Laube, a science fiction fan, was willing to take a risk on the project. Rewritten to enhance their underlying spiritual themes, FIREBIRD and FUSION FIRE reappeared in 1999 and 2000, followed in 2000 by a third Firebird novel, CROWN OF FIRE. Meanwhile, the call to write Star Wars came again, this time from Del Rey Books. NEW JEDI ORDER: BALANCE POINT was also a 2000 release.
In 2001, Kathy received the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference’s Pacesetter award for her efforts in the growing Christian science fiction genre. However, during the years that followed, worsening family troubles forced another sabbatical. Another SF novel was started but shelved. Bethany House asked for a new edition of SHIVERING WORLD, which Kathy completed while working at a retail greenhouse.
Kathy was widowed in 2004 and returned to school in 2006. Also in 2006, she completed working with classical guitarist Christopher Parkening on his autobiography, GRACE LIKE A RIVER. She has received a Diploma of Christian Studies from Regent College in Vancouver, BC, and she is working on toward a Master’s degree, mentoring several apprentice writers through the Christian Writers Guild, and drafting a new science fiction novel. Her Canadian experience includes worshipping at a marvelous Anglican church with stained-glass windows, kneeling rails, and challenging Scriptural preaching.
In October 2014 Kathy married William Thomas Gillin.
Kathy attended Montana State University in Bozeman, where she received a degree in microbiology, married, performed widely on her flute, and then became certified as a K-12 classroom teacher. After teaching primary grades for three years, she retired to start a family. Her only son took long naps and enjoyed playing alone, so in 1983 she set her electric typewriter on her kitchen table and started writing a book. Shortly after finishing the first draft, she joined a writers group, where she learned to critique and self-edit. First novel FIREBIRD was published by Bantam Spectra books in 1987, followed by FUSION FIRE, CRYSTAL WITNESS, and SHIVERING WORLD.
In 1993, her Bantam Spectra editor asked if she’d like to be a Star Wars © writer. THE TRUCE AT BAKURA hit the bestseller list, and life got hectic, exciting, and generally crazy for a while.
After one more novel for Bantam Spectra (ONE MIND’S EYE), Kathy took a sabbatical to deal with family issues. Targeting the Christian Booksellers Association market, she attended several writers conferences before concluding that no CBA publisher was interested in science fiction. She made three attempts to write a contemporary women’s novel, then turned back to her secret passion, which was to revive the unfinished FIREBIRD series. A year later, she connected with Steve Laube of Bethany House Publishers. Laube, a science fiction fan, was willing to take a risk on the project. Rewritten to enhance their underlying spiritual themes, FIREBIRD and FUSION FIRE reappeared in 1999 and 2000, followed in 2000 by a third Firebird novel, CROWN OF FIRE. Meanwhile, the call to write Star Wars came again, this time from Del Rey Books. NEW JEDI ORDER: BALANCE POINT was also a 2000 release.
In 2001, Kathy received the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference’s Pacesetter award for her efforts in the growing Christian science fiction genre. However, during the years that followed, worsening family troubles forced another sabbatical. Another SF novel was started but shelved. Bethany House asked for a new edition of SHIVERING WORLD, which Kathy completed while working at a retail greenhouse.
Kathy was widowed in 2004 and returned to school in 2006. Also in 2006, she completed working with classical guitarist Christopher Parkening on his autobiography, GRACE LIKE A RIVER. She has received a Diploma of Christian Studies from Regent College in Vancouver, BC, and she is working on toward a Master’s degree, mentoring several apprentice writers through the Christian Writers Guild, and drafting a new science fiction novel. Her Canadian experience includes worshipping at a marvelous Anglican church with stained-glass windows, kneeling rails, and challenging Scriptural preaching.
In October 2014 Kathy married William Thomas Gillin.
Ratings & Reviews
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
November 25, 2024
Just too much fun! Figrin Dan is a hot mess and the story of how he and his band mates wind up playing a dive like Chalmun’s Cantina is Mos Eisley is a delightful one.
February 17, 2020
Cute little noir pastiche, perhaps most notorious for possibly introducing the unfortunate term "jizz" into Star Wars' canon. Where most of the franchise's audio productions get by with John Williams' music, this production includes original music for the band to play. It's clearly not the London Symphony Orchestra, but it's neat. The story somewhat needlessly confuses the cantina band with Jabba's palace band, but it all sort of slots together in-universe if you squint a bit.
June 9, 2024
A dramatization of the short story in "Tales From the Mos Eisley Cantina" anthology. Some good voice acting (particularly the voice of the narrator and Dorenian Beshniquel player, Doikk Na'ts) and lots of Star Wars sound effects. The added jazz-like music in the performance work well.
The story sets up how the Modal Nodes ended up in the Mos Eisley Cantina and introduces the moment when Greedo finds Han Solo.
The story sets up how the Modal Nodes ended up in the Mos Eisley Cantina and introduces the moment when Greedo finds Han Solo.
February 12, 2025
Disclaimer:
My review of Tales from the Mos Eisley Cantina was too long to post on Goodreads. I decided the best way to approach this, since these individual stories are not all on Goodreads, that I would keep a record of each as I go along, and therefore I talked too much. But I cannot for the life of me get this website to allow me to review the book a second time. Therefore, I’m cheating, I’m using this as a placeholder. It includes the titular story which, while I read the original, is by all accounts very similar to the audio. After that tale will continue the stories which follow it in the short story collection.
Please see the remainder of the stories and my broader thoughts on the collection as a whole in the proper review page here.
~
Part One:
~
“We Don’t Do Weddings: The Band’s Tale”
This was a really fun story that I never got hooked into by the prose. I’m sorry to say I was let down by this because the writing just didn’t click with me. Reminded me greatly of the related short stories in the first From a Certain Point of View collection about the Kloo Horn and about the Modal Nodes. Similar vibe here, and I wonder how much those were looking at this, if at all. Regardless, I enjoy the Modal Nodes the few times I’ve seen them in things, so this was welcome. I just wish it grabbed me. I had to slog my way through, 30 pages took me 4 days. Not a great sign.
2.5/5
”A Hunter’s Fate: Greedo’s Tale”
In my mind, this is the story about the bounty hunter Greedo, son of Anakin Skywalker’s friend named Greedo who also worked as a bounty hunter in his later years. I’m scratching my head in 1999 George Lucas’s direction.
I actually found myself very interested in life on Rodia. Didn’t think that would ever happen, they’re probably my least favorite OT-featured species. Those aspects I enjoyed a lot. I almost wish I could just have a version of this that shows that aspect, and the fallout of their government apparently. If these were used to spark D&D games, it would’ve done its job well for me.
But aside from the story being way overly long, Greedo himself is a worse character in my opinion now than he was before I read this. That’s probably a bad sign.
Greedo was an idiot in Episode IV, but he’s a competent bounty hunter. And there definitely seems to be a lot more beef between him and Han than one day and a jacket.
This feels like how Disney makes a strange new change to the lore every now and then. Or like what I hear from people who didn’t grow up with the prequels like I did and complain that Boba Fett is a clone. Maybe this would be okay if I didn’t know A New Hope but I just can’t rationalize this in my head. Even the lifted dialogue doesn’t really work here, “I’ve been waiting a long time for this, Solo.” Uh, a few days? Even the very previous short story had the modal nodes recognize him as Jabba’s enforcer. Probably not somebody who just got the job a few days ago. Most of the EU has impressed me by being far more consistent than I had been led to believe, but this one is a little sloppy.
But it gets some credit for having Han shoot first to such an extent that Greedo doesn’t even actually fire in this telling at all.
1.7/5
”Hammertong: Tale of the ‘Tonnika Sisters’”
And the short story after it thinks Greedo is a made being already too. Man, how did that get past editorial? It’s not that it doesn’t fit with other works, it’s that it doesn’t fit within its own collection. I’d have disqualified it for inclusion over that alone…
Anyway.
The Star Wars short story “Hammer” is, to date, the story which I most felt was “…and so?” It felt useless and pointless and left me scratching my head because it wasn’t even tying into anything.
Well “Hammertong” is the second most I’ve felt that way, except better by a wide margin just because it does in fact tie into something later. This is an example of chronological order not being my friend. I don’t know or care who these two are (or aren’t), and I’m left with more new questions than I got answered. Actually I inadvertently find myself more curious what’s happening with the actual Tonnika Sisters during all this.
That said, it’s Timothy Zahn. The man can write. Take Star Wars out of this equation, and how does it stack up as a story? Chronological order is at least affording me a rare objective stance on this material as a singular piece, where most of its audience wouldn’t have that opportunity to come in so blind.
In truth, I think it’s better written than it is inspired. Zahn holds my attention with his verbiage in a way that the actual plot didn’t. That’s a plus I suppose, much better than the inverse happening, and I’ll probably get more out of it later when I bring in some preexisting love of these characters on a reread.
Although I just realized most of her appearances were written after this. Maybe this just flat out wasn’t clicking for me and it has nothing to do with context. Either way, impressive that it engaged me as much as it did considering I really didn’t care about anything happening at all.
Side note: I choose to believe Cai’s DeeFour is rebuilt from the head of Obi-Wan’s droid which somehow came into the possession of the Mistryls after crashing on some moon above Coruscant or something.
2.8/5
”Play It Again, Figrin D’an: The Tale of Muftak and Kabe”
When I took creative writing courses, sometimes I’d be given a prompt I just didn’t care much about. But I could usually find some way to tell a wholly separate story that somehow worked in that prompt for like a paragraph or two, just enough to allow it for the assignment. I kinda feel like that’s what happened with this title. You could omit the whole section of these two going to Mos Eisley entirely and the story would be unchanged, it’s like there was simply a mandate for each story to somehow intersect in the bar so there’s a quick detour over to the bar. I don’t do the “best thing/worst thing” tag here like I do on my movie reviews, but that’s the worst thing about this short story is it feels a little thrown in and pointless as a side-quest. (For what it’s worth, “Best Thing” might would go to changing the name of “Cantina Band #1” to “The Sequential Passage of Chronological Intervals”. Makes the lack of relevance the worst thing, not the title itself, because the title was worth it for that joke.
That aside, I like these two characters quite a bit. I now understand why people said there were a million and a half different Death Star plans that all got stolen at the same time. And Tatooine sure as hell seems like a really popular spot for people to lay low. But here’s my theory. Warning: it’s nerd time. I’ll get to this story in a minute.
So Kyle Katarn was after one set of plans that detailed the defenses, right? That way they knew how to attack. That’s in Agent of the Empire. Attour Ritten sent Death Star plans to Danuta, which get to Toprawa somehow in Rebel Dawn, as I understood it, which make their way to Princess Leia; those plans detail what part to attack. The Hammertong plans show up at some point but they’re not very helpful until the second Death Star three years later. And I’m guessing the Toprawa operation was underwent in the first place because Barid Messoriasm went radio silent when he was captured, and they presumed him KIA, but since Ackbar was going to be there anyway, that’s where Leia went with her plans. Hence why Tatooine was such a seemingly coincidental hotspot. The fact that Luke and Obi-Wan just happened to be there, coincidence; the fact that the Mistryl landed there, coincidence. But at least part of it tracks! (I wonder how many more short stories in this very volume are going to make this much more difficult to keep track of hahaha). What surprises me, and what may indicate that I misunderstand how these intersect somehow, is that this is written by A.C. Crispin. So one would assume it would tie-in more to Rebel Dawn… by A.C. Crispin. OR maybe I’m even more right and my theory is directly mentioned in that book. Who knows, I skipped a bunch of that. Kinda regret doing so now, and I’m wondering how much self-control I’m gonna have to not go ahead and get them. I’ll probably leave it for my next pass through. Probably.
Now about this short story.
I don’t know if these characters show up later or not, but I tend to hope they do. I assume so because of Muftak’s (perhaps slightly out-of-nowhere) curiosity about the Rebellion. But either way, this duo who see their relationship differently from one another, and grow to realize they were both wrong, and at no point does the relationship have to change to see their characters grow— I loved that. I didn’t realize how much I was liking it until after I finished it, honestly, because it took the whole thing to bring it all home. Muftak sees Kabe as his adopted daughter; Kabe sees Muftak as a friend; by the end, they realize they’re partners — not in a romantic way, but as partners in life and soul. It’s kinda beautiful in a way, and told succinctly in a snapshot of Star Wars that really has next to nothing to do with Star Wars beyond the trappings. It’s fun when that idea works, because so often it does not and I just scratch my head wondering why its existence was ever granted by LucasFilm. Here, it just works. Can’t quantify why, it just does.
3.4/5
”The Sand Tender: The Hammerhead’s Tale”
Okay so I was indeed missing a piece of the puzzle. Gotcha. Man, this would’ve been a much better whole if Wolverton and Crispin had just written this together instead of loosely linking them. I know I’m really overthinking this kind of stuff, but just things as simple as when the Imperials arrive (before Ben and Luke leave, not after) or when sunset is. This story thinks the whole night as described by Crispin happened before Han and the gang blast off. Not possible. And simple things it isn’t even getting right within itself, like who sat down at the bar first, Muftak or Nadon. Both claim to see the other sitting there when they approach. It’s really minor, it’s a critique of the book not of the short story. But I wish Anderson had edited a little tighter for that kind of stuff. It’s easily reworkable, but not as-presented without just omitting sections.
Anyway, about this story.
This prose is simplistic in the best of ways. It doesn’t try to be flashy with its words, it grabs you with what they mean. There’s a shark dude talking to a tree and I felt tears starting to well-up. Probably because I’m a sappy nerd, but it was just really sweet.
There really isn’t a lot of plot happening here. Just an Ithorian distracting the Imperial investigation for Threepio and Artoo. I’m not so sure Nadon’s actions had much real impact on the alliance’s efforts this day. But it doesn’t really matter, because he did what he felt was right, and weighing that against what he felt like he could get away with. That would seem to mirror the themes of “Play It Again, Figrin D’an,” but that’s a separate story, so what do I know.
Nevertheless, so far this is the best story of the bunch just because it found such a beautiful emotional chord to strike displaying a being constantly tormented by being punished for doing his best at every turn, trying to save the most lives, and having those attempts smacked back into his face at the heel of a boot.
One weird thing though, I’m not quite sure I’m on board with cloning him. Like, I get he needs to pay for it, but… is that how to do it? That’s, uh, well that’s one way I suppose…
3.5/5
”Be Still My Heart: The Bartender’s Tale”
Oh my god the bartender put Greedo’s corpse in a juicer to extract his pheromones and put it in a drink meant for Hutts to try and get hired by Jabba.
I don’t even know how to quantify this story, like… it’s so incredibly unbelievable that I don’t think I can possibly even take it seriously. He juiced Greedo with a droid that happened to stop him on the street on his way into work that day, thus giving him a ridiculously quick character “arc” to start liking droids.
This also accounts for maybe the worst-written piece of Star Wars media I’ve read so far, just on a technical level. It almost feels like an attempt was made to make the worst short story they could because they were mad they got assigned the bartender. There’s almost something it’s trying to say, and then it just starts blowing raspberries and making clown noises at itself, and suddenly I don’t even know what I’m reading. I want to give this a ?/5, because wtf, but I guess I’ll just give it a 0.5? For… creativity? No, screw it, it’s getting a negative score because it really baffles me in a way that kinda pisses me off. Screw it.
-0.5/5 (for the sake of the volume)
”Nightlily: The Lovers’ Tale”
I’ll credit Anderson with this: He knew to put the freakin’ weird shit in the middle. Or at least I hope it’s only in the middle.
So… this is about the guy with horns. So this author decided to make him… horny. I am left with nothing to assume but this. This short story is at times just flat out disgusting to read because he’s just a vile being to be in the POV of. Yeah, he gets his comeuppance by the end because of how flippant he was, but then I’m just left shaking my head… trying to ascertain why I was reading about it? The entire story is him planning something that never happens, and once again we have a story where you could omit the whole Cantina scene and it wouldn’t change. You might not even know it was missing. What is this??
And why would Ithorians have a proverb like that???
-0.5/5 (for consistency)
”Empire Blues: The Devaronian’s Tale”
While I didn’t quite absolutely fall in love with the first short story of this collection, I’ll say, after the last two, this had me feeling nostalgic for those days a few days ago before Wuher drank Greedo’s pheromones.
Once again I think two of these pieces would’ve benefitted greatly by just combining them. I would like this and “We Don’t Do Weddings” better if they were intercut. Both feel like they’re just missing a little something to me, I never expected that it was because its partner would be half a book later. Seriously, why was this put all the way here? I’m having to go back and reread portions of the beginning because it’s been days, I don’t remember that stuff by now, not well enough to parse it together into another narrative.
But anyway, as for this story.
I find this Devaronian far more pleasant to follow than I expected. I concur with the previous tale, he’s not as evil as he thinks he is. Mostly he’s just trying to survive. And I actually find his friendship with Wuher quite charming, I just wish to god I didn’t know Wuher drinks… Greedo’s pheromones… in-between the paragraphs here…
When they first announced they were making “Star Wars Story” movies, I wanted them to make a comedy film about a battle of the bands between the Modal Nodes and the Max Rebo Band. If there’s another story about them in here… I think they might be leading me there, I’m getting my hopes up.
3.3/5
To Be Concluded…
Please see the remainder of the stories and my broader thoughts on the collection as a whole in the proper review page here.
~
Part One:
~
“We Don’t Do Weddings: The Band’s Tale”
This was a really fun story that I never got hooked into by the prose. I’m sorry to say I was let down by this because the writing just didn’t click with me. Reminded me greatly of the related short stories in the first From a Certain Point of View collection about the Kloo Horn and about the Modal Nodes. Similar vibe here, and I wonder how much those were looking at this, if at all. Regardless, I enjoy the Modal Nodes the few times I’ve seen them in things, so this was welcome. I just wish it grabbed me. I had to slog my way through, 30 pages took me 4 days. Not a great sign.
2.5/5
”A Hunter’s Fate: Greedo’s Tale”
In my mind, this is the story about the bounty hunter Greedo, son of Anakin Skywalker’s friend named Greedo who also worked as a bounty hunter in his later years. I’m scratching my head in 1999 George Lucas’s direction.
I actually found myself very interested in life on Rodia. Didn’t think that would ever happen, they’re probably my least favorite OT-featured species. Those aspects I enjoyed a lot. I almost wish I could just have a version of this that shows that aspect, and the fallout of their government apparently. If these were used to spark D&D games, it would’ve done its job well for me.
But aside from the story being way overly long, Greedo himself is a worse character in my opinion now than he was before I read this. That’s probably a bad sign.
Greedo was an idiot in Episode IV, but he’s a competent bounty hunter. And there definitely seems to be a lot more beef between him and Han than one day and a jacket.
This feels like how Disney makes a strange new change to the lore every now and then. Or like what I hear from people who didn’t grow up with the prequels like I did and complain that Boba Fett is a clone. Maybe this would be okay if I didn’t know A New Hope but I just can’t rationalize this in my head. Even the lifted dialogue doesn’t really work here, “I’ve been waiting a long time for this, Solo.” Uh, a few days? Even the very previous short story had the modal nodes recognize him as Jabba’s enforcer. Probably not somebody who just got the job a few days ago. Most of the EU has impressed me by being far more consistent than I had been led to believe, but this one is a little sloppy.
But it gets some credit for having Han shoot first to such an extent that Greedo doesn’t even actually fire in this telling at all.
1.7/5
”Hammertong: Tale of the ‘Tonnika Sisters’”
And the short story after it thinks Greedo is a made being already too. Man, how did that get past editorial? It’s not that it doesn’t fit with other works, it’s that it doesn’t fit within its own collection. I’d have disqualified it for inclusion over that alone…
Anyway.
The Star Wars short story “Hammer” is, to date, the story which I most felt was “…and so?” It felt useless and pointless and left me scratching my head because it wasn’t even tying into anything.
Well “Hammertong” is the second most I’ve felt that way, except better by a wide margin just because it does in fact tie into something later. This is an example of chronological order not being my friend. I don’t know or care who these two are (or aren’t), and I’m left with more new questions than I got answered. Actually I inadvertently find myself more curious what’s happening with the actual Tonnika Sisters during all this.
That said, it’s Timothy Zahn. The man can write. Take Star Wars out of this equation, and how does it stack up as a story? Chronological order is at least affording me a rare objective stance on this material as a singular piece, where most of its audience wouldn’t have that opportunity to come in so blind.
In truth, I think it’s better written than it is inspired. Zahn holds my attention with his verbiage in a way that the actual plot didn’t. That’s a plus I suppose, much better than the inverse happening, and I’ll probably get more out of it later when I bring in some preexisting love of these characters on a reread.
Although I just realized most of her appearances were written after this. Maybe this just flat out wasn’t clicking for me and it has nothing to do with context. Either way, impressive that it engaged me as much as it did considering I really didn’t care about anything happening at all.
Side note: I choose to believe Cai’s DeeFour is rebuilt from the head of Obi-Wan’s droid which somehow came into the possession of the Mistryls after crashing on some moon above Coruscant or something.
2.8/5
”Play It Again, Figrin D’an: The Tale of Muftak and Kabe”
When I took creative writing courses, sometimes I’d be given a prompt I just didn’t care much about. But I could usually find some way to tell a wholly separate story that somehow worked in that prompt for like a paragraph or two, just enough to allow it for the assignment. I kinda feel like that’s what happened with this title. You could omit the whole section of these two going to Mos Eisley entirely and the story would be unchanged, it’s like there was simply a mandate for each story to somehow intersect in the bar so there’s a quick detour over to the bar. I don’t do the “best thing/worst thing” tag here like I do on my movie reviews, but that’s the worst thing about this short story is it feels a little thrown in and pointless as a side-quest. (For what it’s worth, “Best Thing” might would go to changing the name of “Cantina Band #1” to “The Sequential Passage of Chronological Intervals”. Makes the lack of relevance the worst thing, not the title itself, because the title was worth it for that joke.
That aside, I like these two characters quite a bit. I now understand why people said there were a million and a half different Death Star plans that all got stolen at the same time. And Tatooine sure as hell seems like a really popular spot for people to lay low. But here’s my theory. Warning: it’s nerd time. I’ll get to this story in a minute.
So Kyle Katarn was after one set of plans that detailed the defenses, right? That way they knew how to attack. That’s in Agent of the Empire. Attour Ritten sent Death Star plans to Danuta, which get to Toprawa somehow in Rebel Dawn, as I understood it, which make their way to Princess Leia; those plans detail what part to attack. The Hammertong plans show up at some point but they’re not very helpful until the second Death Star three years later. And I’m guessing the Toprawa operation was underwent in the first place because Barid Messoriasm went radio silent when he was captured, and they presumed him KIA, but since Ackbar was going to be there anyway, that’s where Leia went with her plans. Hence why Tatooine was such a seemingly coincidental hotspot. The fact that Luke and Obi-Wan just happened to be there, coincidence; the fact that the Mistryl landed there, coincidence. But at least part of it tracks! (I wonder how many more short stories in this very volume are going to make this much more difficult to keep track of hahaha). What surprises me, and what may indicate that I misunderstand how these intersect somehow, is that this is written by A.C. Crispin. So one would assume it would tie-in more to Rebel Dawn… by A.C. Crispin. OR maybe I’m even more right and my theory is directly mentioned in that book. Who knows, I skipped a bunch of that. Kinda regret doing so now, and I’m wondering how much self-control I’m gonna have to not go ahead and get them. I’ll probably leave it for my next pass through. Probably.
Now about this short story.
I don’t know if these characters show up later or not, but I tend to hope they do. I assume so because of Muftak’s (perhaps slightly out-of-nowhere) curiosity about the Rebellion. But either way, this duo who see their relationship differently from one another, and grow to realize they were both wrong, and at no point does the relationship have to change to see their characters grow— I loved that. I didn’t realize how much I was liking it until after I finished it, honestly, because it took the whole thing to bring it all home. Muftak sees Kabe as his adopted daughter; Kabe sees Muftak as a friend; by the end, they realize they’re partners — not in a romantic way, but as partners in life and soul. It’s kinda beautiful in a way, and told succinctly in a snapshot of Star Wars that really has next to nothing to do with Star Wars beyond the trappings. It’s fun when that idea works, because so often it does not and I just scratch my head wondering why its existence was ever granted by LucasFilm. Here, it just works. Can’t quantify why, it just does.
3.4/5
”The Sand Tender: The Hammerhead’s Tale”
Okay so I was indeed missing a piece of the puzzle. Gotcha. Man, this would’ve been a much better whole if Wolverton and Crispin had just written this together instead of loosely linking them. I know I’m really overthinking this kind of stuff, but just things as simple as when the Imperials arrive (before Ben and Luke leave, not after) or when sunset is. This story thinks the whole night as described by Crispin happened before Han and the gang blast off. Not possible. And simple things it isn’t even getting right within itself, like who sat down at the bar first, Muftak or Nadon. Both claim to see the other sitting there when they approach. It’s really minor, it’s a critique of the book not of the short story. But I wish Anderson had edited a little tighter for that kind of stuff. It’s easily reworkable, but not as-presented without just omitting sections.
Anyway, about this story.
This prose is simplistic in the best of ways. It doesn’t try to be flashy with its words, it grabs you with what they mean. There’s a shark dude talking to a tree and I felt tears starting to well-up. Probably because I’m a sappy nerd, but it was just really sweet.
There really isn’t a lot of plot happening here. Just an Ithorian distracting the Imperial investigation for Threepio and Artoo. I’m not so sure Nadon’s actions had much real impact on the alliance’s efforts this day. But it doesn’t really matter, because he did what he felt was right, and weighing that against what he felt like he could get away with. That would seem to mirror the themes of “Play It Again, Figrin D’an,” but that’s a separate story, so what do I know.
Nevertheless, so far this is the best story of the bunch just because it found such a beautiful emotional chord to strike displaying a being constantly tormented by being punished for doing his best at every turn, trying to save the most lives, and having those attempts smacked back into his face at the heel of a boot.
One weird thing though, I’m not quite sure I’m on board with cloning him. Like, I get he needs to pay for it, but… is that how to do it? That’s, uh, well that’s one way I suppose…
3.5/5
”Be Still My Heart: The Bartender’s Tale”
Oh my god the bartender put Greedo’s corpse in a juicer to extract his pheromones and put it in a drink meant for Hutts to try and get hired by Jabba.
I don’t even know how to quantify this story, like… it’s so incredibly unbelievable that I don’t think I can possibly even take it seriously. He juiced Greedo with a droid that happened to stop him on the street on his way into work that day, thus giving him a ridiculously quick character “arc” to start liking droids.
This also accounts for maybe the worst-written piece of Star Wars media I’ve read so far, just on a technical level. It almost feels like an attempt was made to make the worst short story they could because they were mad they got assigned the bartender. There’s almost something it’s trying to say, and then it just starts blowing raspberries and making clown noises at itself, and suddenly I don’t even know what I’m reading. I want to give this a ?/5, because wtf, but I guess I’ll just give it a 0.5? For… creativity? No, screw it, it’s getting a negative score because it really baffles me in a way that kinda pisses me off. Screw it.
-0.5/5 (for the sake of the volume)
”Nightlily: The Lovers’ Tale”
I’ll credit Anderson with this: He knew to put the freakin’ weird shit in the middle. Or at least I hope it’s only in the middle.
So… this is about the guy with horns. So this author decided to make him… horny. I am left with nothing to assume but this. This short story is at times just flat out disgusting to read because he’s just a vile being to be in the POV of. Yeah, he gets his comeuppance by the end because of how flippant he was, but then I’m just left shaking my head… trying to ascertain why I was reading about it? The entire story is him planning something that never happens, and once again we have a story where you could omit the whole Cantina scene and it wouldn’t change. You might not even know it was missing. What is this??
And why would Ithorians have a proverb like that???
-0.5/5 (for consistency)
”Empire Blues: The Devaronian’s Tale”
While I didn’t quite absolutely fall in love with the first short story of this collection, I’ll say, after the last two, this had me feeling nostalgic for those days a few days ago before Wuher drank Greedo’s pheromones.
Once again I think two of these pieces would’ve benefitted greatly by just combining them. I would like this and “We Don’t Do Weddings” better if they were intercut. Both feel like they’re just missing a little something to me, I never expected that it was because its partner would be half a book later. Seriously, why was this put all the way here? I’m having to go back and reread portions of the beginning because it’s been days, I don’t remember that stuff by now, not well enough to parse it together into another narrative.
But anyway, as for this story.
I find this Devaronian far more pleasant to follow than I expected. I concur with the previous tale, he’s not as evil as he thinks he is. Mostly he’s just trying to survive. And I actually find his friendship with Wuher quite charming, I just wish to god I didn’t know Wuher drinks… Greedo’s pheromones… in-between the paragraphs here…
When they first announced they were making “Star Wars Story” movies, I wanted them to make a comedy film about a battle of the bands between the Modal Nodes and the Max Rebo Band. If there’s another story about them in here… I think they might be leading me there, I’m getting my hopes up.
3.3/5
To Be Concluded…
December 22, 2017
Super fun audiobook
January 3, 2026
I love this. It was one of the first stories / productions that showed there was more to Star Wars than just the Sith / Jedi.
May 29, 2016
While this story about the "Cantina Band" (the Modal Nodes) from Mos Eisley doesn't deliver key revelations about the Star Wars universe, it is fun. I recommend the audio version, which incorporates both the original music from the first Star Wars film and new music to punctuate the plot.
March 7, 2014
this series of books is like "what everyone else was doing at the cantina" WHEN GREEDO SHOT FIRST! this is the story of how the cantina band got to the cantina...
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