Cash Out: A Novel

by Greg Bardsley

“Cash Out is one of those novels that begs for more adjectives: relentless, madcap, polished, lean, vivid, warped, original, horrifying and hilarious in equal measure.”
—Marcus Sakey, author of The Two Deaths of Daniel Hayes and The Amateur

Imagine a story by Ben Mezrich (The Accidental Billionaires, 21) of staggering financial improprieties infused with Tim Dorsey’s (Hurricane Punch, Gator A-Go-Go) zany, over-the-top pure insanity, and you might have something somewhat resembling Cash Out, the rollicking debut novel  by Greg Bardsley. This is nonstop, mercilessly hilarious, no-holds-barred fiction for fans of  The Hangover and Office Space—an outrageous tall tale that follows one desperate, disgruntled Silicon Valley exec through a his surreal three-day scramble to cash out his stock options and leave behind his hated high-tech job before outrageous villains (and even crazier friends) completely destroy him. Do you like the wildly satirical work of Tom Perrotta, Sam Lipsyte, and Gary Shteyngart? Do the ingenious comic caper novels of Elmore Leonard leave you breathless and exhilarated?  Then get ready to Cash Out.

Genres: Fiction, Humor, Satire, Ebooks

380 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 9, 2012

About the author

Greg Bardsley is the author of The Bob Watson [2016] and Cash Out [2012], which was listed by the New York Times as one of five notable novels written about Silicon Valley. His award-winning short fiction has appeared in numerous journals and anthologies. A former columnist and speechwriter, he lives in the San Francisco Bay area.

Reviews

[Greg Bardsley]

From what I understand, I might be biased, as I wrote CASH OUT.

[Del-Ann]

Hilarious!

[Bandit]

What a great random find. Proper satires are difficult enough to come by, especially quality ones. Dan Jordan is having a tough few days. He's dangerously close to cashing out of his cushy, but ultimately soul stealing, Silicon Valley job with a seven figure payout and buying himself and his family a happy new life. But first he has to grapple with blackmail threats, marital problems, obnoxious coworkers, insane neighbors, devastated set of balls (literally anatomically so), crazed college girls, a variety of assassins and saboteurs, sleep deprivation, copious amount of violence against his person and to top it all off his own often confused conscience. Tough few days indeed, especially for a regular guy with a reasonable dream and a fairly decent moral compass, who simply got lost in the most popular (pecuniary driven) version of the American dream. Beware exigencies of Mammon and all that. Bardsley draws a lot from his own experiences and writes what he knows, like the main protagonist he is a speech writer for a tech company, family man, California native. One hopes he never had to climb the sort of mountains his hero does (or dig himself from under the giant steaming piles of fecal matter that gets so enthusiastically shoveled onto him), but he's got a lovely imagination and a knack for fun dynamic storytelling, mixing in just the right amounts of humor, drama and action. Doesn't look like the author has any other novels out, which is (unless this was his one and done) something he should definitely work on. Really enjoyable read, funny, nicely paced, thoroughly entertaining. Enthusiastically recommended.

[Fleur Bradley]

When I read that CASH OUT was supposed to be like Office Space, I was skeptical. I'm a fan of that movie, so this book had better be good, I thought when I started reading.

CASH OUT is better. The book features Dan Jordan, who just had a vasectomy and just needs three days before his stock option at his firm mature, so he can cash-out. But Dan made some questionable choices, and now a posse of angry IT guys are blackmailing him, and there's some corporate muscle on his tail... Things only get worse from there.

The book is full of colorful characters (like Crazy Larry), outlandish situations, but grounded in a reality you can relate to. CASH OUT is the story of Generation X, all grown up, and faced with the good and bad decisions that got them beyond those Office Space days. Great humor, fast-paced, and unexpected.

CASH OUT is a unique book that reads like a movie script. I highly recommend it.

[Laura]

I should just never read the blurbage on books, because this was supposed to be a "sidesplitting romp" and, well, after 100-ish pages, I was waiting for even a mild chuckle.

Obviously I didn't read far enough to find out why two apparently unrelated groups were going after Dan (or possibly it's only about his soon-to-vest stock options that will make him a millionaire - single million, by the way, not serious IT venture money). Nor did I really care why, or whether or not he and his wife would make their relationship work. The couples counselor? Godawful and if that was the author's idea of satire it simply doesn't work.

ARC provided by publisher.

[Chris O'Brien]

This was another book that just landed on my desk. I was looking for a good read for a recent plane trip, and grabbed it out of my trunk at the airport, not knowing much about the book or Bardsley. Must say, it was the best of surprises. It's about a former newspaper reporter who has sold out to work for a dot-com who is on the verge of cashing out his options before everything unravels. The pace is fast, and the storytelling sharp and very, very funny. And on a personal level, it didn't hurt that I could see many similarities between the main character and me (reporter, two kids, trying to make ends meet in the Bay Area, a certain medical procedure.) Highly recommended. Can only assume with will be made into a movie soon starring Ed Helms.

[PopcornReads - MkNoah]

Book Review & Giveaway: We’re participating in the Thankful for Books Giveaway Hop, and our giveaway for that hop is Cash Out by Greg Bardsley. I’m dedicating my review of this hilariously funny romp to all the folks I used to work with in the dot.com industry. I think it’s also going to reinforce all of the stereotypes about the nuts who live in California but that’s okay because we’re damn proud to be nuts out here. The Los Angeles Times Review of Books called Cash Out “a psychotic head-scratcher in the best possible way…wild, unpredictable, and totally original.” That pretty much sums it up. Read the rest of my review & enter to win a copy at http://popcornreads.com/?p=4909.

[Mark Richardson]

Cash Out is a wonderful combination of the bizarre, hysterical, and gruesome. I was first turned on to Greg Bardsley's writing a few years ago when I read his short story "Upper Decking." Amazing! He has a very distinct voice: funny, somewhat crime centric, off-beat characters, a little violence thrown in. I agree with another review that I could see Cash Out being turned into a movie. A future cult classic, like The Big Lebowski. Buy it. Read it.

[H R Koelling]

A really wonderful and entertaining book. I finished it in record time. There are some very well developed and interesting characters, such as Crazy Larry (who reminds me a bit of Serge Storms, from Tim Dorsey novels) and Calhoun (who reminds me, a bit, of Newman on Seinfeld). I laughed very hard at times. The plot is pretty straightforward, but still original and zany. Very well written and poignant at times, too.

[eb]

I'm a big fan of testicle-based humor and office satires, but Cash Out didn't deliver a single LOL for me. I don't want to be a jerk, but I think the back cover copy ("Office Space as remade by the creators of The Hangover," "side-splitting," etc.) over-promises, to say the least.

[Ian Griffin]

Cash Out by Greg Bardsley does for Silicon Valley what Hunter S. Thompson did for Las Vegas. His new novel, Cash Out, is a 400-page gonzo-journalism inspired riff on a bizarre world hidden behind the bland office parks and drab suburbs of the San Francisco Bay Area.

His alter-ego, Dan Jordan, is days away from seeing his $1 million stock options vest, yet the moment he leaves the medical office where's he's just had a vasectomy, things start unraveling. He's kidnapped by a rabid band of redundant IT workers who blackmail him into betraying the trust of the executive he writes speeches for. From this point on, the clock is ticking and the game's afoot.

Bardsley, I mean Jordan, is an emasculated postmodern hero married to a kick boxing beauty and best friends with a cage fighter. Caught in a maelstrom of comic book violence he lurches from one scrape to the next, searching for bags of frozen peas to numb his bruised gonads, surviving on pain killers and alcohol. He loves his family, despises his boss and is unnerved by a cartoon character cast of neighbors who indulge in sadistic rituals with lawn furniture behind the innocent facades of their suburban garage doors. Some truly strange stuff here. I'll never be able to ride on the upper deck of a London bus again without the sour memory of Bardsley's scatological imagination re-surfacing.
Silicon Valley Speechwriter

Greg and I have worked as speechwriters at some of the same Silicon Valley companies. But his novel describes a parallel universe that I could not possibly have imagined. Nor did I find anyone recognizable in this work of fiction. He really did rearrange faces and give them all other names.

But anyone who makes their living as a professional speechwriter will recognize his interactions with egotistical executives, scheming support staff and the faux-glamour life in the corporate jet fast lane. For me, the vasectomy and subsequent attacks on his mid-section symbolically represent all the suffering speechwriters endure: doing whatever it takes to put words of wisdom into the mouths of the real men who deliver the speeches; constantly threatened with crazy deadlines, undermined by outside consultants, sleep deprived and subservient.

Greg is a fantastic writer. The dialog crackles, the pace is relentless, the characters unforgettable. The lottery-like frenzy of Silicon Valley stock options must have given rise to countless tales of those who were able to cash out and those who missed the jackpot by a few months, weeks or days.

You don't need to go to Las Vegas to gamble your life away. Cash Out tears the veneer off the Silicon Valley stock-option crapshoot. Kudos to Greg Bardsley for telling it like it is.

[Heather]

Daniel Jordon is a speak writer for Stephen Fritzroy at FlowBids. He is getting ready to cash out his options which will mean he will be in a lot of money, he just has to last a few more days. However, after receiving a vasectomy, which is how the book starts out him in the doctors office getting the procedure, he is attacked by three geeks. Unsure of what they really want from him he goes to the grocery store to pick up some peas for relief to the area of his recent procedure. While getting the peas he is slammed into the freezer by some big bald guy. Is this bald guy and the geeks connected or was he just in the wrong place at the wrong time? He is so confused. He ends up late for his counselling meeting with his wife on how to bring their sex life back to life; only to have his wife and the counselor not believe him, even though it is obvious he's been in a fight. He tries to explain what has happened over the last few hours to his wife, but she still is having a hard time believing this. Daniel decides to pick up the kids and finds baldy at the park playing with his kids. Lucky for Daniel his neighbor is there to help out when the fight erupts. Confused he calls his wife from jail advising to call his friend Rod Stone, an MMA fighter, to come and watch over them for the night considering he has not idea what is going on or who is out to get him or his family. Released early the next morning, writhing in pain Daniel returns home to find Rod awake watching things. Daniel explains to Rod what has happened and soon they are on the hunt to find out what is really going on. Who is trying to frame who and why? Why are they after him and his family? And why is all of this happening right before he is able to cash out?

This was a hilarious book filled with ups and downs, but constantly kept me wondering what was going to happen next and why this was all happening. I was hooked from the very beginning. I enjoyed Bardsley's take on mystery and comedy and the thrill of the hunt throughout the book. It was hard to know what was coming next, let along why it was happening, but he did wrap it all up in the end. I found the ending a little weak for such a climatic book, but it did tie up all loose ends and why certain things happened throughout the book.

I would like to thank Goodsread and Greg Bardsley for giving me this advanced copy of the book. I am sure it will be a hit!

[Reading_with_juls]

First a short disclaimer, I have known Greg since he was in middle school? May be longer? He was my brother Mike's best friend growing up. He is incredibly special to my entire family and living proof, good guys exist.

I am so proud of Greg. This book was a really fun read. It was silly, twisted, warped, over the top, yet lovable. The characters were hysterical, memorable and amusing. The plot was right out of some caper movie. If you want a book that will make you laugh out loud with its constant barrage of "thing's not quite working out as planned", this book is for you. I will admit, I only picked up this book because I know Greg. It's not a typical genre for me. In fact, I would guess it's more of a man's book. Yet, I enjoyed it from beginning to end and Mike would have loved it too.

Good job Greg.

[Dan]

Dan Jordan, speech writer for the CEO of FlowBid, a Silicon Valley startup. And in three days, he can cash out his stock and be an instant millionaire. Then he and his wife could live the lives they’ve dreamed of. Only one problem, in those three days, he gets a vasectomy, is kidnapped, and threatened to be exposed for some illicit behavior at work. Where it all leads to is one humorous rollercoaster of a ride.

This faced pace comical story is an easy read (it does have raunchy dialogue). Did it have laugh-out-loud parts? I didn’t think so, but I enjoyed the story for what it was and the author is a good story teller. Its part mystery (with many twists) and part comedy.

[Desiree]

I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
Greg Bardsley's book Cash Out is a delightful read. It is a fast pace, action filled and witty novel. Overall Bardsley has done a splendid job telling us a story full of twists and turns that keeps the reader hanging on every word.

[Steve]

A laugh-out loud, totally original send-up of Silicon Valley. Greg Bardsley is a fresh new talent, and his writing goes down as smoothly as a cold beer on a hot day. Loved this book and can't wait to read Bardsley's follow-up. More, please.

[Karen Cameron]

Sounded more interesting than it was.

[Brandon Nagel]

Excellent page turner. Hilarious and action packed. Highly recommended!

[Megan]

Spent most of the time reading this book cringing. Not funny at all, like the author claimed. I'm glad a got an uncorrected proof at a conference and didn't pay for this crap.

[Randy Briggs]

I enjoyed the hell out of this book. Smart, entertaining, and funny. I can't wit for this author's next novel.

[Michelle]

This books claims to be a satire, it's really just terrible. I kept reading hoping it would get better, did not happen. Then i kept reading to see if it would get worse, it did.

[Jennifer K. Swinburne]

The premise sounded interesting and it started off unique...but honestly I couldn't even get through the second chapter before I threw it out... would any wife actually treat their husband the way this woman does? And would her husband's just be like derp di do, i got kidnapped and assaulted after a medical procedure but my wife is realllly mad at me for not paying her enough attention oh nooooo now she'll cut me off from sex! Better jump through her hoops. Ew, these people were gross and i didnt want to hear any more about them. Honestly, are these characters SUPPOSED to be ridiculous?!! Am I misunderstanding the tongue-in-cheek?

[Rabid Reader]

A bit of Carl Hiaasen meets Silicon Valley nuttiness. As a professional working in Silicon Valley for three decades, I'm not able to recognize any of the zany characters or situations. "Cashing Out" is such a rare thing that it requires 6 degrees of separation to find someone who has really made a financial killing. OTOH, I know lots of people who lost money working for start-ups. So I'd say this book is a fun _fictional_ romp through what the rest of the world perceives as happening all the time in Silicon Valley.

[Thomas E Bercher]

Good Story Telling

Cash Out starts fast and developed the characters very well. The story moved along and I found myself caring about the characters, hoping they would find a way out of the maze.

[Allen Jones]

had it's moments

[Bruce Wrobel]

Fun book

Quirky , funny and lots of twists and turns. I could empathize with main character. Look for more by author

[Pam]

Exhausting read

[Laura]

3.5. FUn and entertaining.

[Christina]

great fun read..a funny wacky story that has good depth...and keeps the thrill ride going full throttle till then end.

[Allen]

Fun read!