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Parenting: A House United: Changing Children's Hearts and Behaviors by Teaching Self-Government
A House United is based on Nicholeen's popular seminar series Teaching Self-Government. This book shows parents the communication skills they need to teach their children to govern themselves. With the proper family environment and understanding of childhood behaviors homes can become happier. Even if families simply implement some of Nicholeen's tested parenting principles their family life will improve. Nicholeen's candid story telling style and experience with tough teens makes the book usable and a joy to read for all. Even if you have heard Nicholeen speak before you can't pass this book up. It promises new stories, examples, valuable question and answer and further insights never before shared.
503 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2009
138 people are currently reading
1140 people want to read
About the author
Nicholeen Peck
31 books20 followersNicholeen Peck is a mother of four and previous foster parent of many. She has been trained and certified in using the “Teaching Family Model”, which was developed at Boys Town and is used by the Utah Youth Village. Nicholeen did foster care for very difficult teens. She taught children with ADHD, OCD, kleptomania, compulsive lying, anger control issues, etc. She said, “I taught behaviors, not medication. They would come to us on many medications and usually leave not on any medications. Many children are misdiagnosed. They just need to learn cause and effect better.” She has been teaching self government skills to people all over the country for 9 years.
from http://teachingselfgovernment.com/
from http://teachingselfgovernment.com/
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 141 reviews
January 7, 2019
My visiting teacher suggested this book after a conversation about some parenting challenges I was having. There were some really good thoughts here! This was one of the most logical, practical books on parenting I've read. Here are a few points that really resonated with me:
* We are teaching kids to master themselves: their actions, their thoughts. We don't want them to be good out of convenience for us as parents but so they can be functioning, happy adults in society!
* "Janet's Junk Food Principle:" the things kids whine about the most is what they need the least. I've noticed this with my own kids: when they whine about not getting enough time for computer, video games, or friends, it's usually because they've had too much and don't know how to stop.
* "Home should be the safest environment to make mistakes."
* Some advice is just plain bad advice, and we don't have to listen to it. I could have used this little pep talk eight and a half years ago! All those silly baby magazines had me convinced I was "doing it wrong."
* It's important to schedule in fun! The anticipation of a family activity is just as important as the activity itself.
* "What are we really communicating?" If we are frustrated all the time, complaining about how hard it is to be a mother, will our children want to become parents when they are older? When we yell at our kids, can we really expect them to be calm when life gets stressful for them? (I read the part about yelling on Sunday morning ... and then promptly proceeded to yell at my kids for being late to church. Obviously reading a parenting book isn't enough to magically transform your parenting! The good news is that when we finally did get to church, I was reminded that I can repent and try again!!) :-) I think this is one of the biggest lessons from this book: if I am going to teach my kids to be calm and problem-solve, I, as a parent, need to be calm in my interactions with my kids and model the behavior I want them to have.
* It's important to prep your kids for situations before they happen; before going to a grocery store with the kids in tow, for instance, give clear expectations of store behavior (and consequences for following or not following that behavior) before you go in. I've had lots of success with "prepping" when I remember to do it (before taking family pictures, for instance). I liked the suggestion on prepping even for small things.
* We need to have low tolerances. Honestly, this kind of went against my natural inclinations at first, but after thinking about it (and discussing it with my friend), it makes sense. If I am "tolerant" of the kids leaving out all their stuff, I end up picking up more after them. I try to do it in the name of patience and longsuffering but usually that doesn't work and I get a little resentful. It doesn't help them (they don't learn to clean up after themselves), nor does it help me (I get grumpier and grumpier until I finally snap at somebody, and they don't even understand why, so the cycle repeats itself). I've tried having a low tolerance on the pick-up-after-yourself-rule lately, and it actually feels much healthier, even though I might look like a nag! The thing is, my kids don't seem to think I am nagging; they honestly seem to appreciate the reminders and the clear expectations.
* Negative consequences don't necessarily have to be "logical." I know there's a paradigm that believes in "appropriate consequences" for things children do (sort of the "you made the mess you clean it up" mentality, I guess), and I'm all for that for the most part. But sometimes coming up with a consequence takes a lot more creativity than I have. The author suggests letting natural consequences do the teaching when it makes sense, but if not, there are only another three or four consequences to earn (though the severity of each consequence differs based on the infraction). The consequences are always the same and the kids know what to expect. She also points out that kids don't have to *suffer* through their consequences in order to learn something; we are not trying to *punish* but to teach. Good point.
So, after all that -- why only three stars? Well, the grammarian in me had a terrible, terrible time with this book. I guess it was self-published, but it really could have used a proofreader to fix the many comma errors, spelling errors, and punctuation errors. By the end of the book there were multiple typos on every page and, frankly, it drove me crazy.
But I realize I am really uptight about that kind of thing, so maybe I could have overlooked all that ... were it not for the fact that this book was so darn long. I certainly understand the impulse to overexplain when writing (as is somewhat obvious based on the length of this review, haha), but seriously -- almost 400 pages?? I was only halfway through the book when I almost put it down just because I felt really overwhelmed by it all (so it was good that I could talk to my visiting teacher again and have her help me put it in perspective).
Still, this is a good resource, even if the execution is a little off. I admire the author and all she's done to help families. If you're needing some ideas on how to handle this parenting gig, this is a good book to look through.
* We are teaching kids to master themselves: their actions, their thoughts. We don't want them to be good out of convenience for us as parents but so they can be functioning, happy adults in society!
* "Janet's Junk Food Principle:" the things kids whine about the most is what they need the least. I've noticed this with my own kids: when they whine about not getting enough time for computer, video games, or friends, it's usually because they've had too much and don't know how to stop.
* "Home should be the safest environment to make mistakes."
* Some advice is just plain bad advice, and we don't have to listen to it. I could have used this little pep talk eight and a half years ago! All those silly baby magazines had me convinced I was "doing it wrong."
* It's important to schedule in fun! The anticipation of a family activity is just as important as the activity itself.
* "What are we really communicating?" If we are frustrated all the time, complaining about how hard it is to be a mother, will our children want to become parents when they are older? When we yell at our kids, can we really expect them to be calm when life gets stressful for them? (I read the part about yelling on Sunday morning ... and then promptly proceeded to yell at my kids for being late to church. Obviously reading a parenting book isn't enough to magically transform your parenting! The good news is that when we finally did get to church, I was reminded that I can repent and try again!!) :-) I think this is one of the biggest lessons from this book: if I am going to teach my kids to be calm and problem-solve, I, as a parent, need to be calm in my interactions with my kids and model the behavior I want them to have.
* It's important to prep your kids for situations before they happen; before going to a grocery store with the kids in tow, for instance, give clear expectations of store behavior (and consequences for following or not following that behavior) before you go in. I've had lots of success with "prepping" when I remember to do it (before taking family pictures, for instance). I liked the suggestion on prepping even for small things.
* We need to have low tolerances. Honestly, this kind of went against my natural inclinations at first, but after thinking about it (and discussing it with my friend), it makes sense. If I am "tolerant" of the kids leaving out all their stuff, I end up picking up more after them. I try to do it in the name of patience and longsuffering but usually that doesn't work and I get a little resentful. It doesn't help them (they don't learn to clean up after themselves), nor does it help me (I get grumpier and grumpier until I finally snap at somebody, and they don't even understand why, so the cycle repeats itself). I've tried having a low tolerance on the pick-up-after-yourself-rule lately, and it actually feels much healthier, even though I might look like a nag! The thing is, my kids don't seem to think I am nagging; they honestly seem to appreciate the reminders and the clear expectations.
* Negative consequences don't necessarily have to be "logical." I know there's a paradigm that believes in "appropriate consequences" for things children do (sort of the "you made the mess you clean it up" mentality, I guess), and I'm all for that for the most part. But sometimes coming up with a consequence takes a lot more creativity than I have. The author suggests letting natural consequences do the teaching when it makes sense, but if not, there are only another three or four consequences to earn (though the severity of each consequence differs based on the infraction). The consequences are always the same and the kids know what to expect. She also points out that kids don't have to *suffer* through their consequences in order to learn something; we are not trying to *punish* but to teach. Good point.
So, after all that -- why only three stars? Well, the grammarian in me had a terrible, terrible time with this book. I guess it was self-published, but it really could have used a proofreader to fix the many comma errors, spelling errors, and punctuation errors. By the end of the book there were multiple typos on every page and, frankly, it drove me crazy.
But I realize I am really uptight about that kind of thing, so maybe I could have overlooked all that ... were it not for the fact that this book was so darn long. I certainly understand the impulse to overexplain when writing (as is somewhat obvious based on the length of this review, haha), but seriously -- almost 400 pages?? I was only halfway through the book when I almost put it down just because I felt really overwhelmed by it all (so it was good that I could talk to my visiting teacher again and have her help me put it in perspective).
Still, this is a good resource, even if the execution is a little off. I admire the author and all she's done to help families. If you're needing some ideas on how to handle this parenting gig, this is a good book to look through.
September 4, 2012
Since publishing my book on parenting early this year, I’ve researched the writings of numerous authors who have dealt with the same subject. The two major parenting approaches I read tend to focus on religion or psychology.
While both are valid, they often lack practicality.
As a result, I was pleased to discover the work of Nicholeen Peck, who provides a wealth of practical advice and clearly explains how to apply it in specific situations. Parenting: A House United is a book I wish had been available to me before I started raising my family.
Many parents today are concerned about the mentality of entitlement that seems pervasive among today’s youths. I know that the principles and methods outlined in Nicholeen’s book would be effective in dealing with attitudes of entitlement as well as many other parenting challenges.
Entitlement is a global problem that affects children that are raised without much responsibility. It is not necessarily specific to children raised in wealth and privilege.
Nicholeen her husband, Spencer, got a chance to demonstrate their parenting abilities on a BBC television show called “The World’s Strictest Parents.” They hosted two teens from England in their home. Several clips from the show are posted at http://teachingselfgovernment.com/. They are worth watching.
Parents often worry about adopting new standards and new parenting methods with older children. There is a fear that establishing and enforcing rules will cause older children to rebel. The experiences the Pecks had with these two teens and with many foster children they have brought into their home shows that although some children might rebel, most will adapt and accept structure that is consistently applied.
Clear rules and values make life easier for parents and children. This is a point that comes through repeatedly in Parenting: A House United. “Raising children into adults that know how to govern themselves requires vision. Every member of the family needs to clearly see a family goal or vision in order to work together, and for the communication system to work.”
Many parents have a family vision but they fail to properly communicate that vision to their children. Often they don’t know how to begin or to follow through. Nicholeen’s book would be a great resource for parents in such a state.
In truth, the type of parenting described in Parenting: A House United is not easy. Trying to apply everything at once could leave some readers feeling overwhelmed and intimidated. But like every journey, parenting begins with a few steps. And this book can serve as a map to help struggling parents know how to reach the final destination.
My graduate studies on communication focused on theory. We studied the work of behavioral psychologists who did early research on how people communicate.
A few years later, my wife was working on a graduate degree in education. As I helped her study, I discovered that educational theory incorporated the work of many of the same researchers I studied for my degree. Although education applied different labels and a different vocabulary, the underlying theoretical foundation for communication and education were the same.
That is how I felt when I read Nicholeen’s book. We might describe things differently and we might take different approaches to get to a destination, but the underlying foundations of how we view parenting are much the same.
While both are valid, they often lack practicality.
As a result, I was pleased to discover the work of Nicholeen Peck, who provides a wealth of practical advice and clearly explains how to apply it in specific situations. Parenting: A House United is a book I wish had been available to me before I started raising my family.
Many parents today are concerned about the mentality of entitlement that seems pervasive among today’s youths. I know that the principles and methods outlined in Nicholeen’s book would be effective in dealing with attitudes of entitlement as well as many other parenting challenges.
Entitlement is a global problem that affects children that are raised without much responsibility. It is not necessarily specific to children raised in wealth and privilege.
Nicholeen her husband, Spencer, got a chance to demonstrate their parenting abilities on a BBC television show called “The World’s Strictest Parents.” They hosted two teens from England in their home. Several clips from the show are posted at http://teachingselfgovernment.com/. They are worth watching.
Parents often worry about adopting new standards and new parenting methods with older children. There is a fear that establishing and enforcing rules will cause older children to rebel. The experiences the Pecks had with these two teens and with many foster children they have brought into their home shows that although some children might rebel, most will adapt and accept structure that is consistently applied.
Clear rules and values make life easier for parents and children. This is a point that comes through repeatedly in Parenting: A House United. “Raising children into adults that know how to govern themselves requires vision. Every member of the family needs to clearly see a family goal or vision in order to work together, and for the communication system to work.”
Many parents have a family vision but they fail to properly communicate that vision to their children. Often they don’t know how to begin or to follow through. Nicholeen’s book would be a great resource for parents in such a state.
In truth, the type of parenting described in Parenting: A House United is not easy. Trying to apply everything at once could leave some readers feeling overwhelmed and intimidated. But like every journey, parenting begins with a few steps. And this book can serve as a map to help struggling parents know how to reach the final destination.
My graduate studies on communication focused on theory. We studied the work of behavioral psychologists who did early research on how people communicate.
A few years later, my wife was working on a graduate degree in education. As I helped her study, I discovered that educational theory incorporated the work of many of the same researchers I studied for my degree. Although education applied different labels and a different vocabulary, the underlying theoretical foundation for communication and education were the same.
That is how I felt when I read Nicholeen’s book. We might describe things differently and we might take different approaches to get to a destination, but the underlying foundations of how we view parenting are much the same.
March 29, 2015
I am having a really hard time rating this book. I disagree with the author on a few really fundamental and foundational issues, so most of the book really goes off rails for me for that reason. However, this book did reinforce the idea that my husband and I need to set up a somewhat formal system of "government" for our family and that my children need predictable and consistent consequences for specific behaviors, as a rule. So, for that reason I cannot disregard it completely as one that was completely unhelpful. However, as my faith and theology inform the parenting and discipleship decisions I make for my children in ways totally contrary to some of the basic assumptions in this book, I cannot recommend it.
February 23, 2010
Well, I wrote this, so it's not fair to really review it I suppose. I will say that this book is not just mine. I wrote it for someone much greater than myself. It is my hope that it will bring happiness to homes and inspire a vision of a new way to interact as families. Times are hard everywhere. There is no more important time to strengthen homes and families than now. That is the purpose of this book. I hope you enjoy it. :)To order this book go to http://teachingselfgovernment.com
January 10, 2018
This book is bit wordy and has more than a few missing or superfluous commas, but my family has already seen many positive results from following the principles and methods it outlines. One of my children, in particular, has been difficult to parent (to say the least), and for the first time in a while, I have hope.
March 26, 2024
Oh, how I wish I could make everyone read this. But oh, how I wish it wasn't so long-winded and riddled with confusing grammar!
Listen, there are good points in here! My family has been using this system for a few years. But just like the accompanying YouTube videos, it takes ten right turns just to get to the point. I really wish I could emphasize to Mrs. Peck that firstly... Okay, firstly, she's awesome and doing good work.
But secondly! Her videos and book are reminiscent of those ads that are gripping at the beginning, but then last 20 minutes in the hopes that you'll buy their snake oil miracle cure. I really would emphasize to Mrs. Peck that brevity is the soul of wit. Succinct sells!
Love the pre-teaching. Love the idea of family meetings so that parents are on the same page. I also think that the 5 Steps could be streamlined to make for easier digestion.
For example, with my son we do this:
1. Let's look at each other with a calm voice, calm body.
2. Say "okay" or disagree appropriately.
3. Follow through, or accept "no" from me.
He has a much better time with that. We have the Paige Takes the Stage and Porter Earns a Quarter books. They're not perfect, but they help to calm *me* down when I need to use them to re-teach my son. (Note: I have bipolar disorder and severe ADHD. These are helpful for helping me self regulate so I can set a better example.)
Listen, there are good points in here! My family has been using this system for a few years. But just like the accompanying YouTube videos, it takes ten right turns just to get to the point. I really wish I could emphasize to Mrs. Peck that firstly... Okay, firstly, she's awesome and doing good work.
But secondly! Her videos and book are reminiscent of those ads that are gripping at the beginning, but then last 20 minutes in the hopes that you'll buy their snake oil miracle cure. I really would emphasize to Mrs. Peck that brevity is the soul of wit. Succinct sells!
Love the pre-teaching. Love the idea of family meetings so that parents are on the same page. I also think that the 5 Steps could be streamlined to make for easier digestion.
For example, with my son we do this:
1. Let's look at each other with a calm voice, calm body.
2. Say "okay" or disagree appropriately.
3. Follow through, or accept "no" from me.
He has a much better time with that. We have the Paige Takes the Stage and Porter Earns a Quarter books. They're not perfect, but they help to calm *me* down when I need to use them to re-teach my son. (Note: I have bipolar disorder and severe ADHD. These are helpful for helping me self regulate so I can set a better example.)
February 3, 2017
I know this has been pointed out OVER and over again..but for my own reference:
The editing is HORRIBLE in this book. (the author has addressed the issue- I hope they are able to reprint with new edits and clean the book up a bit.)
The content is WONDERFUL. Wonderful enough that I am willing to still give the book 5 stars because it outshines the poor editing.
This is changing the way our family interacts with each other. Our family meetings are becoming SO effective and I am constantly amazed at how well my youngins respond to this tecnique. I was just positive they were too young, but I was wrong!
Love the BBC special World's Strictest Parents, too! You can find the episode featuring their family, as well as many helpful videos and a blog on Nicholeen's site. I hope I can become as calm and "self-governing" as Nicholeen!
The editing is HORRIBLE in this book. (the author has addressed the issue- I hope they are able to reprint with new edits and clean the book up a bit.)
The content is WONDERFUL. Wonderful enough that I am willing to still give the book 5 stars because it outshines the poor editing.
This is changing the way our family interacts with each other. Our family meetings are becoming SO effective and I am constantly amazed at how well my youngins respond to this tecnique. I was just positive they were too young, but I was wrong!
Love the BBC special World's Strictest Parents, too! You can find the episode featuring their family, as well as many helpful videos and a blog on Nicholeen's site. I hope I can become as calm and "self-governing" as Nicholeen!
March 5, 2012
This book was highly recommended, but I was still a bit skeptical, as I always am with self-help type books. So what a pleasant surprise to find some powerful principles of truth! These ideas of parenting and family communication are based on compassion, respect and empathy. Most importantly, this book focuses on how parents MUST GOVERN THEMSELVES to allow their children to learn from them. This is an area in which I struggle, so I feel relieved and hopeful to have a pattern to follow. There are some things I tweak for my kids and our situation, but mostly I do it by the book.
I just have to say, however, how disappointed I was to have to struggle through the typos, bad grammar, and lack of punctuation. Hopefully, this author will make so much money with this book that she will be able to afford editors for a new edition. :)
I just have to say, however, how disappointed I was to have to struggle through the typos, bad grammar, and lack of punctuation. Hopefully, this author will make so much money with this book that she will be able to afford editors for a new edition. :)
August 10, 2011
This book has a cult following among home schoolers, so I thought I should pick it up and see what all the excitement was about. I am not a huge fan. I certainly respect the author's dedication to helping foster kids and raising responsible kids of her own. But, it's just not my style. It feels too scripted and controlling for my tastes. I'll be the first to admit that I will end up in 10 times the debates with my kids than the author because of this difference, but I'm OK with that. I think the great weakness of this book is the lack of big picture perspective. The material is presented with little or no variation for children with special needs or a world and community that is vastly different from the author's. ALL that being said, I did get one or two good ideas from reading it.
October 8, 2010
This book had some great parenting ideas. I loved the way that Nicholeen describes having a family vision, motto, and a set of rules. They use a family government system that I'm sure works when organized properly. The only problem with this book is Nicholeen seems to have a huge amount of patience, and I'm not sure I could live up to her high standards of consistency and calmness.
January 27, 2020
This is the best parenting book I have ever read, and I have read many. The author breaks everything down to very simple steps that can be repeated for most behaviors, making it a universal method for not only fixing behaviors but changing hearts. A driving philosophy of the book is that your main goal as a parent is to help children understand cause and effect so that they can learn to control their impulses and gain self-mastery, or self-government. We have only been implementing the tools from this book for a few days, but it has absolutely changed our family. We giving out consequences as often as before, but my husband and I are totally calm because we know exactly what to do when faced with poor behavior. Our family had become very strained because nothing we did seemed to work, so with each misbehavior we became more frustrated and likely to fly off the handle. My relationship with my 4 year old especially was extremely stressed and not close. After (imperfectly) following the principles in this book for 3 days, my daughter and I experienced more closeness, connection, and affection than we have in a long time. This is despite the fact that she has been continuously misbehaving, receiving consequences, and even had a few tantrums. The true power of this book is that it gives you real tools for staying calm and in control as a parent, and the language you learn to use coupled with your own calmness and self-assured behavior almost magically help your children calm themselves too. I would absolutely recommend this book to every parent. My only caveat is that this is my second time reading it, and the first time through my daughter was a little too young for it to be as effective as it is now. The only reason I'm not giving 5 stars is because there are several grammatical errors and the author has a tendency to repeat certain words or phrases excessively in a short passage, but these are really just editorial issues. The content of the book itself is 5 stars or more.
April 3, 2022
This approach to self control and parenting is very compelling to someone like me who's always wished to be calm like my father even when I felt doomed to be emotional. I feel I have the tools to practice my own self government effectively after reading this book, to match my long held beliefs and principles.
Nicholeen has written this book for a wide audience and the Biblical basis or explanation for her method is missing. That being said I would likely modify this method when using in my home.
Whether or not this is something my family will adhere to completely, I have found this book valuable, and will use it to refer back to later on.
Nicholeen has written this book for a wide audience and the Biblical basis or explanation for her method is missing. That being said I would likely modify this method when using in my home.
Whether or not this is something my family will adhere to completely, I have found this book valuable, and will use it to refer back to later on.
December 4, 2023
Very good advice. Hard to implement, but worth it.
October 14, 2015
Okay, I'm not done yet, but this is an amazing parenting book and maybe the last I'll ever read. I would (and probably will) recommend this to friends because it's that good... and I rarely make book recommendations.
I can see that it is already helping my family as we are in some bad habits that can make life unpleasant. I wish I had discovered this 8 years ago, but maybe I wouldn't have been ready for it. The principles are good for families that don't need a lot of help, but just a little improving. They are fabulous for families in some level of crisis... kids out of control make life hard to bear.
I have been so inspired by this book.
Personal Notes:
When a child is out of control, a help is SODAS... a way for them to think through their behavior... a writing exercise (or thinking exercise if they are younger and unable to write).
SODAS= Situation, Options, Diasadvantages, Advantages, Solution
Example... Child hits and yells at his little brother who grabbed her pen at church.... now she needs to do SODAS...
Situation: I'm minding my own business and drawing pictures when my little brother comes along and grabs my pen.
Options:
1. Hit and yell (advantages: immediate revenge?; disadvantages: I get in trouble, I embarrass my family, I hurt my brother)
2. Ignore him (advantages: I am in control of myself; disadvantages: I don't get my pen back)
3. Ask nicely for the pen (advantages: I get my pen back, I am in control of myself; disadvantages: none)
You get the picture... great thinking tool with a time cost that might make a child think twice before making bad decisions!
I can see that it is already helping my family as we are in some bad habits that can make life unpleasant. I wish I had discovered this 8 years ago, but maybe I wouldn't have been ready for it. The principles are good for families that don't need a lot of help, but just a little improving. They are fabulous for families in some level of crisis... kids out of control make life hard to bear.
I have been so inspired by this book.
Personal Notes:
When a child is out of control, a help is SODAS... a way for them to think through their behavior... a writing exercise (or thinking exercise if they are younger and unable to write).
SODAS= Situation, Options, Diasadvantages, Advantages, Solution
Example... Child hits and yells at his little brother who grabbed her pen at church.... now she needs to do SODAS...
Situation: I'm minding my own business and drawing pictures when my little brother comes along and grabs my pen.
Options:
1. Hit and yell (advantages: immediate revenge?; disadvantages: I get in trouble, I embarrass my family, I hurt my brother)
2. Ignore him (advantages: I am in control of myself; disadvantages: I don't get my pen back)
3. Ask nicely for the pen (advantages: I get my pen back, I am in control of myself; disadvantages: none)
You get the picture... great thinking tool with a time cost that might make a child think twice before making bad decisions!
March 9, 2015
While there was some good that I took away from this book (the 4 basic skills), a lot of it was very basic. Such as more positive comments (praise, compliments) than negative, family and couple meetings, natural consequences, helping a child understand "you chose" when they disobey, etc.
My reason for 2 stars is:
1) Some of the methods seemed harsh. Throughout the book the author reminds that the methods described come from classes for foster parents. That often means troubled teens and children who likely never had structure. The methods probably work great for these children, but for a typical family who already has some guidelines and structure in place it's over the top.
I also disagree with the author's suggestion that we never mirror a child's emotions. Many children (young and old) cannot express their emotions because they don't know or understand the words, so we must teach them the words for what they are feeling. When we are confident they can express themselves we can then let them state how they feel.
2) The editing was poor. I got tired of reading the exact same things restated two or three times per paragraph/page. There were a lot of typos.
My reason for 2 stars is:
1) Some of the methods seemed harsh. Throughout the book the author reminds that the methods described come from classes for foster parents. That often means troubled teens and children who likely never had structure. The methods probably work great for these children, but for a typical family who already has some guidelines and structure in place it's over the top.
I also disagree with the author's suggestion that we never mirror a child's emotions. Many children (young and old) cannot express their emotions because they don't know or understand the words, so we must teach them the words for what they are feeling. When we are confident they can express themselves we can then let them state how they feel.
2) The editing was poor. I got tired of reading the exact same things restated two or three times per paragraph/page. There were a lot of typos.
March 30, 2015
Hmmm...
I know people who love this book and others that have completely been turned off by this book. I know families that have had great improvements with their children's behavior and with their own parenting abilities from following the outline from this book.
I have mixed feelings about this book. On one hand, some of the things that Mrs. Peck observed and said in the book were really profound. Things that were said would really ring true to me. Or make me stop and ponder.
But then she would start to describe HOW she implements her parenting skills, and I would think "this lady is a crazy robot-wanna-be" I could picture her eyes glazing over and she'd begining speaking in a monotone automated voice as soon as she started to interact with her children when they'd behave in a less than desirable way.
In all, I'm glad I read the book, and I think that her basic, overall outline is really sensible, and I will implement some of the ideas into my own daily parenting, but that crazy robot thing is just a little weird.
I know people who love this book and others that have completely been turned off by this book. I know families that have had great improvements with their children's behavior and with their own parenting abilities from following the outline from this book.
I have mixed feelings about this book. On one hand, some of the things that Mrs. Peck observed and said in the book were really profound. Things that were said would really ring true to me. Or make me stop and ponder.
But then she would start to describe HOW she implements her parenting skills, and I would think "this lady is a crazy robot-wanna-be" I could picture her eyes glazing over and she'd begining speaking in a monotone automated voice as soon as she started to interact with her children when they'd behave in a less than desirable way.
In all, I'm glad I read the book, and I think that her basic, overall outline is really sensible, and I will implement some of the ideas into my own daily parenting, but that crazy robot thing is just a little weird.
October 8, 2014
When I first heard of Nicholeen Peck I thought that her ideas were a little artificial and forced. Then a few years later I heard her speak again and I thought her strategy was worth a shot. When my husband and I started implementing just a few of her ideas we saw dramatic results and we had an easier way to navigate conflicts in our family. Finally, we bought her book and I just finished reading it. We are slowing implementing her strategies a few at a time, but so far it is really working for my family. We are having a lot more family harmony, a lot fewer fights and I love how my husband and I are not only parenting with more vision, but the children are learning to have vision too. I am a fan!
August 14, 2014
I am only a few chapters in and I have a lot to contemplate. I get the feeling it is more about how I act than how to get my children to act. I suppose a little self reflection isn't a bad thing! I heard her speak at a homeschool conference and she had some great practical ideas about teaching and modeling self government.
Now, that I've finished it, it was good in the beginning, but it kept referring to procedures that she uses, but then says we will talk more about it later. Then when she gets to it later in the book, I have forgotten the context in which to use it. It seemed to drag on and I had to push through to finish.
Now, that I've finished it, it was good in the beginning, but it kept referring to procedures that she uses, but then says we will talk more about it later. Then when she gets to it later in the book, I have forgotten the context in which to use it. It seemed to drag on and I had to push through to finish.
February 4, 2024
Somewhere between 3 and 4 stars.
Horribly "written" it is poorly organized, and FULL of typographical mistakes.
I love, love LOVE her idea of family vision and missions. Setting goals, having meetings.
But like many would be positive parents she has consequences instead of punishments, but then she just gets lazy and has punishments that she calls consequences instead. I also don't like how often she talks about bribing/punishing with food (though of course she calls them consequences) You could definitely give your kids food issues with stuff like that.
Horribly "written" it is poorly organized, and FULL of typographical mistakes.
I love, love LOVE her idea of family vision and missions. Setting goals, having meetings.
But like many would be positive parents she has consequences instead of punishments, but then she just gets lazy and has punishments that she calls consequences instead. I also don't like how often she talks about bribing/punishing with food (though of course she calls them consequences) You could definitely give your kids food issues with stuff like that.
June 3, 2014
Excellent. Love love love the idea of teaching self-government. It is such a great truth. This is the only way to help our children learn to master their emotions, behaviour, appetites. I love how the corrective teaching is done with love. That softens hearts...
February 25, 2015
Best parenting book I've ever read! Teaching children to learn to govern themselves--what a concept! We have implemented pretty much everything from this book and seen amazing results!
March 11, 2024
This one was a hard one to rate. It’s actually my second favorite parenting book I’ve read thus far due to the sheer amount of helpful principles that I haven’t been able to find elsewhere. I LOVE the concept of having a family mission, regular family meetings, the general idea behind SODA’s, etc. though I suspect I will be implementing them in a less formal way. As helpful as some of the principles were, there was quite a bit that I didn’t agree with (including theology) and/or found hypocritical. In chapter 9 for example, the author warns against punishing children but then gives an example of “effective” family government where she allows the self-flagellation of a child via a full days worth of hard labor for sneaking a brownie. I don’t care how much your special gluten free brownies cost…this is extreme. A simple explanation of how their choices have hurt others, broken the sense of trust in the family, the natural consequences that come along with that, a short discussion on accepting accountability and how reparations can be made to rebuild the familial relationship should suffice. How does physical labor outside of purchasing new brownies, baking them and cleaning the kitchen afterwards come into play here? There is another example of her dishing out extra chores for “not disagreeing with someone in an appropriate way”. If your child doesn’t need actual practice with said chores then this is inappropriate. You just need to appeal to the child’s conscious, discuss why an apology is due, maybe offer a reminder on how to communicate respectfully and then given an opportunity to try again. To many logical inconsistencies. She very adamantly states that she doesn’t believe in punishment or manipulation and that making a child uncomfortable on purpose is communicating that you don’t love them. Yet, she proceeds to argue how her punishments and manipulation aren’t just that. The author also warns against asking simple yet important heart probing questions like, “why did you do that” because she said it causes anxiety in an already afraid child. I think most parents would agree that we should be mindful of our tone but if our children are afraid of us, it would indicate to me that I either haven’t earned THEIR trust yet or lost it somewhere along the way. A lot of great principles here that I’m certain I will be using moving forward but I will be leaving the seemingly nonsensical applications behind. She gleaned a lot of the principles in her book from her foster care training so I may just look those up directly.
October 14, 2024
I started reading this book probably four years ago, but the layout and setup kept me from getting into the meat of it before I set it down. The intro material was good (family mission statement, knowing your children individually, love language and other communication things, etc) but a lot of that I was already versed in. The layout is also very conversational, in the sense that there are short thoughts on a theme with headings instead of a more essay style building to a supported thesis.
But I picked it back up a few weeks ago after seeing her 4 basic skills referenced somewhere else and remembering I owned her book, and I have appreciated how very practical the second half of the book is. Having a clear sequence of events for what it means to follow instructions, disagree appropriately, accept no for an answer and receive criticism I can see as being very helpful for both the parent and child. I was struck by the fact that the goal of mature adulthood is for me to be able to use those four basic skills on myself (give myself an instruction and be able to follow through, tell myself no and be able to accept it, etc) and with others (appropriate disagreement, taking criticism, etc).
I don't know that I agree with everything in this book, especially the idea of using an economy as a metaphor for the family, and loosing things considered privileges, but on the other hand I did appreciate the push towards clear expectations, and that giving work as an earned result of poor choices doesn't need to be seen as a painful punishment, but rather as an opportunity for connection, positive contribution and just another chance to practice following the steps which then allows for the praise to outweigh the critique.
I also know that having a clear plan for myself will make me far more likely to be able to stay calm and gentle in my own interactions, which I think will also have major benefits.
But I picked it back up a few weeks ago after seeing her 4 basic skills referenced somewhere else and remembering I owned her book, and I have appreciated how very practical the second half of the book is. Having a clear sequence of events for what it means to follow instructions, disagree appropriately, accept no for an answer and receive criticism I can see as being very helpful for both the parent and child. I was struck by the fact that the goal of mature adulthood is for me to be able to use those four basic skills on myself (give myself an instruction and be able to follow through, tell myself no and be able to accept it, etc) and with others (appropriate disagreement, taking criticism, etc).
I don't know that I agree with everything in this book, especially the idea of using an economy as a metaphor for the family, and loosing things considered privileges, but on the other hand I did appreciate the push towards clear expectations, and that giving work as an earned result of poor choices doesn't need to be seen as a painful punishment, but rather as an opportunity for connection, positive contribution and just another chance to practice following the steps which then allows for the praise to outweigh the critique.
I also know that having a clear plan for myself will make me far more likely to be able to stay calm and gentle in my own interactions, which I think will also have major benefits.
September 15, 2021
Ugh. Just ugh. So much I could say about this but I'm going to try to keep it short.
It's just too much. Too many systems, binders, meetings, talking, legalism, and micro managing your child's life.
There were several reasons to give this 1 star, but the main one for me personally was the bad doctrine. I'm not sure what the author practices but she does give the impression of being a Christian, so I took it from that perspective. I was deeply disturbed when in chapter 12 she says, "Not one baby was born with an evil heart. We were all born with the desire to do good. As parents, we must trust in that divine power given to all people; the power to see goodness and to desire it."
Totally unbiblical. The Bible makes it very clear we are all born sinners with sin in our hearts-that's why we need Jesus to transform them.
Romans 3:10
As it is written:
“None is righteous, no, not one;"
Full disclosure I couldn't even finish the book. Made it to page 218 of 377. I kept pushing through hoping for some practical advice that might be worthwhile, but couldn't take another sentence of what to me came off as sickly-sweet and slightly narcissistic writing/speaking. Counting it as "read" for my goal to make up for the suffering haha.
Actually maybe there is one piece of practical advice I'll take from this book and instead of donating it I will throw it away so as not "to mess up someone else's standards" by giving them the opportunity to read it.
[Insert eye roll emoji here]
It's just too much. Too many systems, binders, meetings, talking, legalism, and micro managing your child's life.
There were several reasons to give this 1 star, but the main one for me personally was the bad doctrine. I'm not sure what the author practices but she does give the impression of being a Christian, so I took it from that perspective. I was deeply disturbed when in chapter 12 she says, "Not one baby was born with an evil heart. We were all born with the desire to do good. As parents, we must trust in that divine power given to all people; the power to see goodness and to desire it."
Totally unbiblical. The Bible makes it very clear we are all born sinners with sin in our hearts-that's why we need Jesus to transform them.
Romans 3:10
As it is written:
“None is righteous, no, not one;"
Full disclosure I couldn't even finish the book. Made it to page 218 of 377. I kept pushing through hoping for some practical advice that might be worthwhile, but couldn't take another sentence of what to me came off as sickly-sweet and slightly narcissistic writing/speaking. Counting it as "read" for my goal to make up for the suffering haha.
Actually maybe there is one piece of practical advice I'll take from this book and instead of donating it I will throw it away so as not "to mess up someone else's standards" by giving them the opportunity to read it.
[Insert eye roll emoji here]
January 6, 2023
from the Facebook post I wrote about it: "Just started a new book and already cried in the beginning of the second chapter! 😜 It touched my heart. Wanted to share. Maybe someone else needs this too. ❤️
(She was talking about a triathlon she did with her dad and sister where they each took a leg. She got put in a group with the most elite swimmers but she wasn’t a swimmer and struggled and had people bumping and grabbing her and making her swallow water and she felt very slow and like she’d drown. It fits in very metaphorically with any hard parts of our life and how our Heavenly Father feels about our efforts though, which is what made me tear up.)
“....my dad gave me a big hug and said, “You did the hardest part. You did what no one else wanted to do, and I love you for it.” At that moment, I knew that swimming the deep water was worth it. I had done what my father had called me to do and I had succeeded.
....In deep waters you can’t focus on the other swimmers who seem to be so skilled, or you will lose faith in yourself.”
Also talked about not wasting your short time as a parent discouraged. Discouragement is a lie. Don't let others' comments get us down.
A lot of great tips and info. Knew immediately some things wouldn't work for my family and personalities but plenty of good things throughout. My book is full of highlights and tabs.
(She was talking about a triathlon she did with her dad and sister where they each took a leg. She got put in a group with the most elite swimmers but she wasn’t a swimmer and struggled and had people bumping and grabbing her and making her swallow water and she felt very slow and like she’d drown. It fits in very metaphorically with any hard parts of our life and how our Heavenly Father feels about our efforts though, which is what made me tear up.)
“....my dad gave me a big hug and said, “You did the hardest part. You did what no one else wanted to do, and I love you for it.” At that moment, I knew that swimming the deep water was worth it. I had done what my father had called me to do and I had succeeded.
....In deep waters you can’t focus on the other swimmers who seem to be so skilled, or you will lose faith in yourself.”
Also talked about not wasting your short time as a parent discouraged. Discouragement is a lie. Don't let others' comments get us down.
A lot of great tips and info. Knew immediately some things wouldn't work for my family and personalities but plenty of good things throughout. My book is full of highlights and tabs.
February 21, 2023
This book has a wealth of great ideas and applications and I am already seeing how applying these methods is working in our home. Making sure everyone understands the family vision/mission (this answers the “why” questions children have about why they should do certain things and obey parents) so everyone is working toward that common goal, remaining calm in reacting and communicating, the four basic skills, and being consistent with established consequences (chores and 24 hour loss of privilege) are my main takeaways.
This is quite a long book and unfortunately that is a hindrance for many parents because they will be overwhelmed with all the information and not feel like they have the time to read it. I’ll admit I did not read every single word. I skimmed a lot and then focused on what I needed for our family situation. This is definitely a book I will return to often for reminders and to understand how to shift approaches as my children get older.
This is quite a long book and unfortunately that is a hindrance for many parents because they will be overwhelmed with all the information and not feel like they have the time to read it. I’ll admit I did not read every single word. I skimmed a lot and then focused on what I needed for our family situation. This is definitely a book I will return to often for reminders and to understand how to shift approaches as my children get older.
December 14, 2019
Simply put after reading through this book the author seems to have a poor grasp on how to raise children in regards to functionality in society. I say this with understanding that this book was written by a religous mother (family). I believe that is no excuse for not preparing children for how the world is. They can scarcely prepare and keep the standards of their religious beliefs without being tought how things will be treated after leaving the home. Setting children up for failure through forcing conformity and a lack of free thought does not qualify in my mind as "molding my children into people who know what right and wrong are and into people who lead other people to right priciples". These are my opinions but I would like to suggest that this book has very dangerous opinions on parenting that if taken as ideal parenting could ruin many families.
February 8, 2025
This book was recommended to me by a pediatric psychiatrist we have been working with. It was not what I expected but it is now a part of my personal canon of parenting books.
The only reason the book did not receive five stars from me was that I believe the book needs to be edited for clarity. I felt that many ideas were stated over and over again and the flow of ideas was hard to follow at times.
As a side note, Although LDS doctrine is never shared or even talked about in this book I can see the strong influence of it. I felt I understood the author's meaning because I know the doctrine myself, however I find myself wondering if this book uses the right words and explanations for those who do not.
I still love it though. I am thankful for Nicholeen's willingness to share her personal wisdom and system.
The only reason the book did not receive five stars from me was that I believe the book needs to be edited for clarity. I felt that many ideas were stated over and over again and the flow of ideas was hard to follow at times.
As a side note, Although LDS doctrine is never shared or even talked about in this book I can see the strong influence of it. I felt I understood the author's meaning because I know the doctrine myself, however I find myself wondering if this book uses the right words and explanations for those who do not.
I still love it though. I am thankful for Nicholeen's willingness to share her personal wisdom and system.
June 4, 2024
Nicholeen Peck’s teachings regarding calmness and the 4 Basic Skills (following instructions, accepting no answers, disagreeing appropriately, and accepting consequences) have been transformative to my parenting. I will forever be grateful I learned these skills and how to teach them to my children. I cannot recommend this book (and the YouTube channel) enough. This book has something to offer any parent with children of any age. Of all the parenting books I’ve read, this one has the most practical instructions. She literally teaches you what to say and how to say it.
The cue cards and choices chart on her website site are extremely helpful in understanding the main concepts of the book.
The cue cards and choices chart on her website site are extremely helpful in understanding the main concepts of the book.
August 9, 2017
Some really great things in here. The main idea of the book--"self government"--is fabulous. After a year and a half trying to get through it but only getting halfway, I am throwing in the towel. I feel that it is just too charty for me and with too many formal meetings; however, I'm sure a lot of families would greatly benefit from this book. I implemented the bean jar with success on one occasion and that was good. It also helped me understand some of the differences between the personalities in our family, which in turn helped me improve my parenting some. Thanks for writing it.
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