Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children

by Jean Illsley Clarke, Connie Dawson

Growing Up Again offers guidance on providing children with the structure and nurturing that are so critical to their healthy development -- and to our own.As time-tested as it is timely, the expert advice in Growing Up Again Second Edition has helped thousands of readers improve on their parenting practices. Now, substantially revised and expanded, Growing Up Again offers further guidance on providing children with the structure and nurturing that are so critical to their healthy development -- and to our own. Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson provide the information every adult caring for children should know -- about ages and stages of development, ways to nurture our children and ourselves, and tools for personal and family growth. This new edition also addresses the special demands of parenting adopted children and the problem of overindulgence; a recognition and exploration of prenatal life and our final days as unique life stages; new examples of nurturing, structuring, and discounting, as well as concise ways to identify them; help for handling parenting conflicts in blended families, and guidelines on supporting children's spiritual growth.About the Illsley Clarke is a parent educator, teacher trainer, the author of A Family Affair, and co-author of the Help! for Parents series. She is a popular international lecturer and workshop presenter on the topics of self-esteem, parenting, family dynamics, and adult children of alcoholics. Clarke resides in Plymouth, Minnesota.Connie Dawson is a consultant and lecturer who works with adults who work with kids. A former teacher, she trains youth workers to identify and help young people who are at risk. Dawson lives in Evergreen, Colorado.

Genres: Parenting, Psychology, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Self Help, Adoption, Counselling

423 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 1, 1996

Reviews

[Neez No lan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting metaphors about how we surround ourselves with a protective shield. The book stimulates ideas about how our capacity for resilience is shaped by our carers and early life experiences. It is empowering in that it provides practical advice on how individuals are capable of devising a robust coping strategy.

[Mary C. Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is a wonderful chart that categorizes styles of child-rearing, from abuse to respect to love to indulgence to neglect. The extremes of the spectrum, abuse and neglect, are similar in the degree of damage they do to the child.

[Tamara Suttle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and first read this book in 1989.

It has been a terrific resource to help me explain to counseling clients in clear and simple language what children want, need, and deserve from their caretakers.

There are two charts in the book that make excellent handouts to supplement family of origin work with clients detailing family Structure and Rules and Nurture and Care in families.

Over 30 pages are focused just on ages, developmental stages, what children do at various stages, affirmations children need at those stages, helpful and unhelpful parental behaviors, clues that tell adults they need to "grow up again" i.e. do repair work related to family of origin, and how to do that repair work.

This book also contains many questions, tools, and activities to assist in "growing up again."

Some may find the language in this book to be somewhat dated; however, the concepts and information in it are still rock solid 30+ years later.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

An easy read with good information.
Great book for any person who has children in their life.

Affirmations to development stages, the impact of different style of parenting on a child. You learn the internal message that sticks with them when you are critical or overindulgent.

The chapter on discounting alks about how a person experiences and emotions and what it looks like when you discount that. Insight is important because you can then choose to create change in your own behaviors towards self and others.

[Wendy Reiersen · Rating 5 out of 5]

All parents should read this book. Also everyone who didn't receive ideal parenting (that's all of us). It will help you to fill in the gaps in your own development so that you can become more fully yourself, and accept yourself and that your parents did the best that they could. It will also help you to understand how to balance your parenting with your own children, as well as yourself.

[Jennifer Poole · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a parenting educator. I have to say this is one of my favorite parenting books. It s an excellent resource for parents who have different parenting styles. I love the way it validates different ways to parent and shows where a style can go off track by either becoming too critical or too permissive. It offers many specific examples for different situations, offering practical tools.

It’s laid out in a way that is easy to read and keep as a reference. I’ve given it to many clients.
It’s a wonderful book for reflecting on how you were raised, understanding what worked and what didn’t.

[Brian Cham · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love this book's simple approach to parenting. It uses the visual metaphor of a highway to make it easier to remember and apply the lessons. Otherwise it would be quite difficult to think about so many frameworks. It's also great how it serves two purposes - one as a self-help book and the other as a parenting book. It is absolutely correct that the way our parents reared us and the way we rear our children cannot be separated. I only took one star off for vague and unhelpful descriptions of cause and effect. It claims that uneven parenting techniques will cause just about every problem under the sun, even ones that are complete opposites. How am I to address the cause of any behaviour if it is supposedly influenced by just about everything?

[Ben · Rating 2 out of 5]

lots of decent basic ideas - non negotiable vs negotiable rules, basic needs of stimulation, certainty, and recognition, assertive vs supportive care, others- that might provide a structure for other things I learn, but it wasn't mind blowing for me. I might come back to all of the charts at a later point.

[Stephani Jahn, PhD · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting read for getting to know your "parts" who may be younger, and learning what they may need. I most often reference the pages about developmental needs organized by various ages, which can be useful for ideas about activities/approaches for healing wounds associated with those life stages.

[Kristy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful

I found this book to be very helpful. I'm hoping to utilize some of these tools in my life. I'll definitely read it again and again, as I think it'll be good to refresh the ideas and tools introduced in this book.

[Alissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an older book so some of the language doesn’t fit with more modern conceptions of parenting, trauma and attachment but it is so useful. Super practical, lots of charts, love the ways it suggests to reparent self. I feel like I can see the influence of Virginia Satir in this book.

[Susie Honaker Wirzbicki · Rating 5 out of 5]

I give this book at every baby shower. Launching into parenthood brings up all kind of holes in our own upbringing. This book is accurate and practical at helping heal as we transition into parenthood.

[Tammy Lyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful with our son (was recommended during a workshop)

[Kina]

Reread this book, it was tucked away in my storage unit.

[Hailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful and accessible text that gives language to how one was raised. It helped me to move through struggles I had growing up and understand where those things evolved from.

[Julie Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent help in establishing boundaries

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This excellent book is full of practical wisdom.

[Shaina G · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little dated

[Fed · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved the stages .. so helpful for healing and growing up again.
My only comment on the book is that I wished it was split up into two books one for raising kids the other one for growing up again.

Definitely worth reading !

[Todd Williams · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a well-written book and came to me as a recommendation. But it just did not connect with me. I felt that it was trying to give me an excuse for my behaviors that I do not like. Maybe part of it is that I am so far from growing up the first time (I am in my sixties) that I could not make some of the connections.
You might want to look at The Whole-Brain Child (By Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson). I thought it was much better.

[Holly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the beginning of this book. Some of it was a little obvious. I do like the developmental guides in the back of the book that list the job of the child at that stage and the job of the parent to foster the child's development and confidence. I plan to keep it on my bookshelf as a reference. Some examples of responses to teenagers were great!

[Addie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended by a counselor. and it has been extremely insightful and edifying. I found it particularly helpful that the book did not only focus on how to provide nurture and structure for a child, but also for ourselves. So often, the unforgiving voice in one's own head can hamper all progress, fulfillment, or joy.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. I have read hundreds of parenting books; it is hard to impress me. The depth of understanding about why we do the things we do, what the possible effects are, and how changing those actions is healing both to our children and ourselves.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reread Jan 2005.

[Stacia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Skipped about 25 pages not relevant to me. Otherwise, some interesting ideas and concepts.

[Gina Barnett · Rating 4 out of 5]

learning the life lessons we missed as we parent our own children.