When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart

by Vicki Tiede

When your husband’s addiction to pornography leaves you shattered, betrayed, and alone, where do you turn? Who do you turn to? Vicki Tiede, writing from personal experience, gently guides women toward God and away from despair. Through daily readings and questions on six important topics: hope, surrender, trust, identity, brokenness, and forgiveness, you will grow
in healing and hope. Allowing God to meet your greatest needs is a long and learned process, but he promises to help you every step of the way. Questions and daily readings are suitable for both individuals and small groups.

Genres: Counselling, Marriage, Womens, Ebooks, Nonfiction, Christian

289 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2012

About the author

I believe I'm meant to dream big, mother well, love my husband, commune with God, serve others, steward my health well, read great books ... and cook and clean as necessary.

Reviews

[Shaun · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pornography is a growing societal problem. Images and scenes that would have been available in only a few select hard to get publications 10-20 years ago are now a normal part of advertising media and primetime television. With the advent easy access to pornography on the internet and a broader acceptance within society, addiction to pornography is rampant both inside and and outside the church. By God's grace, we've seen numerous excellent books focused on helping men find deliverance from this destructive addiction. While books focused on helping men are plentiful, books focused on helping the wives of these men are few. This is a trend that needs to change, which is why I'm very excited about Vicki Tiede's new book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography. I feel like Vicki is somewhat of a pioneer with this new work and I pray that many will find great encouragement through this book and that others would be spurred on to produce additional resources that will minister to this oft neglected part of the pornography addiction equation.

When your Husband is Addicted to Pornography is a book that can be worked through little by little, one day at a time. It is designed to be read over the course of six weeks, focusing on the following themes:

*hope
*surrender
*trust
*identity
*brokenness
*forgiveness

As a new theme is unpacked each week, you'll encounter stories from Vicki and other women who have walked this road, encouragement from scripture, suggested prayers, and reflection questions. As you read the book, I'd recommend keeping a journal handy, so you can take notes and write out your answers to the questions found in each chapter.

I was glad that Vicki discusses divorce in the introduction to the book. While in her particular circumstance, her first marriage ended in divorce, she is by no means painting the picture that this is prescriptive for others or in any way ideal. Here's what she says:

"God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16 NIV), and I have never met anyone who has gone through a divorce who doesn't agree with God on this one. It is God's desire that every heart and marriage be restored (Job 22:23). Some issues may make a marriage irreconcilable, but the purpose of this book is not to point you in that direction. Rather, it is to point you to the One who can bring about restoration and reconciliation." (p. xi)

Readers will also want to take note of the additional resources listed in appendix a. It's chock full of many of the best books, websites and ministries that can help you and your husband as you journey towards recovery and healing.

So who needs to read this book? I'd recommend it for every woman who has been affected by their husband's secret addiction to lust, masturbation, and pornography. The format of the book would make it ideal for use in a small group. I could also see Christian counselors making good use of this book as they minister to the wives of husbands steeped in addiction to pornography. I would also recommend this book to men who have been delivered from addiction to pornography. God will use this book to remind you of what He delivered you from and equip you to minister to other men and women, who are at an earlier stage of their journey to recovery.

I can't recommend this book highly enough. Buy it, read it, share it. It's just that good! My rating is 5 out of 5 stars.

About the Author: Vicki Tiede, MEd, MMin, is a Bible teacher; conference speaker; author of Plug Me In and Let Me Charge Overnight (2009); and a contributing author for five other books. Her passion is to share God's grace and faithfulness with women through the Scriptures. Vicki transparently relates life experiences that resonate and draw others into a lifelong pursuit of knowing God. Living in Rochester, Minnesota, Vicki is also a wife, homeschooling mom, and women's ministries coordinator at her local church.

Disclaimer: This book was provided by New Growth Press. The reviewer was under no obligation to offer a favorable review.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vickie Tiede's book entitled "When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart" is a warm, gentle companion for those who are suffering from the carnage of pornography. Vickie's use of Scripture passages are well selected, and sensitive. Happily, none of the verses used are cliche and they cover the fullness of the canon (my one regret about this book is the absence of a Scripture index). Her compassion seeps through these pages, even when she offers correction and/or encouragement.

She warns readers in the introduction that this book is not a book to 'fix' one's husband, and neither is it for those who are at the extreme end of sexual perversion-which has led to violence and/or extra-marrital affairs. Although, this book will be beneficial for the extremes, she recommends other resources and pastoral counselling to address these issues.

I picked this book up because I wanted to get a better understanding of how women cope under the weight of betrayal. With fear and trembling, I acknowledge that by God's grace alone, I'm in the other fifty percent of men who do not have a porn addiction (on page 102, Vickie cites a breathtaking statistic that about 20% of Christian women and 50% of Christian men have a pornography addiction). Knowing that porn is a nightmare for a lot of people, I hoped to understand the crisis better. The realism of sin is first-hand for the author, as well as the hope and healing she has experienced through her Redeemer.

The book is divided up into sections of time, which for some people, will be very helpful. If read daily, a person could work through the Bible study that is interspersed in 6 weeks. In the first three weeks, Vickie re-establishes hope in God, surrender to God and learning to trust the One who can heal. The forth week is the heart of the book as it helps you recognize your true identity. In the last two sections, she helps the reader understand the value of brokenness in the plan of God, and then how forgiveness works itself out.

We all need hope, and the first person sections of the book, are intended to let you know that others have walked your road before, and have recovered. Here are a few excerpts:

  I believe God is able to meet my greatest needs as I deal with my husband’s addiction to pornography, and that he is in the process of doing that even now, but I’m not sure exactly what that looks like . . . sounds like . . . feels like. Most of the time I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. There are occasions when I feel a glimmer of hope that “better” is possible, but it’s rare.
—Amy

  Until my husband and I attempted to refinance our home, I had no idea about several credit cards he had opened, with charges in the tens of thousands. For years, those bills had been going to a post office box, which was also news to me. My husband worked a lot and traveled often, and I knew something was wrong in our relationship, but I never dreamed he might be addicted to pornography or that his addiction had grown to include paying for sex with prostitutes.

Despite all of this, I know that God is for me. He is all powerful and able to meet my needs, often before I even know what they are. God can do anything— even repair this marriage.
—Hannah

In the course of pornographic destruction in a marriage, often a woman will tend to loose their Identity. This is the highlight of this book as Tiede helps women recognize that they get their true identity in the eyes of God alone. Most women want to be pursed and chosen, and if they are believers, Vickie shows them that they have been in Week 4 of the book.

Vickie's viewpoint on forgiveness might be different than what some have been taught through the years. Tiede is careful to differentiate an attitude of forgiveness and the act of forgiveness. The act of forgiveness, according to Vickie, should only be granted to those who are repentant as Christ forgives the repentant. Yet, the attitude of forgiveness should always be on hand to extend to those who are genuinely repentant. There is safety in this position.

I highly recommend this book for all women who have felt the destructive power of pornography. If you purchase this book, take time to talk with a trusted Christian friend for support and prayer. You not only need the help offered in these pages, you also need fellow believers to be instruments in the redeemer's hands.

[Wintermote · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really appreciated all the Bible study and prompts to stop and pray. Found the forgiveness section particularly meaningful—but only at the right stage in the healing journey.

[Shelley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Here is the ABSOLUTE PROBLEM I HAVE WITH THIS BOOK!

Vicki keeps reminding you as the reader of these other womens horror stories. It’s as if she wants keep punching the problem in the face. They say this book isn’t about the husbands then why am I being reminded of these womens problems EVERY CHAPTER! When we should be looking for closer connection to God and improving in his word. But yet every chapter I’m pulled back in to some nasty secret about someone else gross details of their Marriage and their spouse. I don’t want to hear that! I don’t mind in the first chapter a quick interview but anyone and I mean anyone that picked up this book has horror stories of their own being reminded of some random women’s nightmare and hopelessness and to top it off the writer is divorced kinda suspect. I don’t think she should be giving anyone Christian advice on marriage. I AM RETURNING A BOOK FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! Do yourself a favor if you suffer from depression DO NOT GET THIS BOOK OPEN YOUR BIBLE APP AND READ BIBLE PLANS AND GO
TO A COUNSELOR MARRIAGE CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR NOT THIS QUACK! Just because she went through pain doesn’t mean she’s the best healer!

[Becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helping a friend sort through some information.

This is one of the better books covering this topic, so I've heard from other women in this situation. I did liked that she slowly works women toward not just forgiveness, but becoming a whole person themselves (meaning they can love their spouses and pray for change while still being whole people standing "on their own" whatever their situation might be). My friend and I listened to a podcast with Tiede which is why we got the book, and we both enjoyed her a little more as a "speaker" than a writer, though there is still a lot to glean from this book.

This book is written from a Christian perspective, and I would not recommend it to anyone who was not okay with this perspective. I'm not in this situation, but I would definitely recommend it to any woman struggling with this issue, though!

[Cristie Aguirre · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good for improving relationship with God

This is a helpful book, but it isn't going to do anything to fix your husband's problems. Only the Lord can fix that. But it does get you on the right track for improving your relationship with God, which is really your only hope.

[Toni · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is really fantastic as it focuses on a woman's heart and soul entirely and not on the actions of her husband.

[Dave Jenkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pornography is an insidious cancer that is spread quickly throughout the world devastating men, women, children and destroying marriages, cities, nations and civilization. Thankfully the Lord is raising up many voices to speak out against the evils of pornography in order to expose the darkness and show people the truth light in Jesus Christ. While most of these books have been written for men who struggle with women none that I’ve read in the past five years help women who are the victims of those men who are addicted to pornography. Thankfully that need has been remedied by Vicki Tiede in When Your Husband Is Addicted To Pornography Healing Your Wounded Heart.

When I first saw that this book was coming out from New Growth Press earlier this year, I resolved that I wasn’t going to read it. I reasoned that it would be awkward of me a man to read a book directed at women and written by a woman. Thankfully the better part of me won the day, and when asked by the publisher if I would join the blog tour for this book, I decided yes. As I read this book and processed what it was teaching, I was thankful to God I overcame any awkwardness I felt, and not only read the book but enjoyed the book.

There’s a lot to appreciate about in When Your Husband Is Addicted To Pornography: First, the honesty and transparency of Vicki is to be commended. Vicki tells her story in such a way that it’s not her story that is put on a pedestal but the grace of God that has ministered to her and now through her in this book. Second, Vicki pulls no punches and calls it how she sees it (in a speaking the truth in love in order to help women kind of way). Third, this book is grace saturated from beginning to end. Finally, this book is application oriented. Throughout the book Vicki asks women to participate with and interact with the content of the book. Given the type of book that this is, I think she does this very well, and I think this book could easily be not only a book but also a workbook to help women work through this difficult issue.

When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography is a powerful book that will help women to understand that they are not along in their struggles that they have a King in Jesus who promises to never leave them nor forsake them. As a man who read this book I was given insight into how a woman views the issue of pornography from a first hand experience. Honestly whether you’re a man or a woman, this book will help you. This book will help women with husbands who have struggled with pornography to find healing in Jesus. This book will help men who struggle with pornography to understand the issue from the perspective of what their wives are going through. This book will help Pastors to minister to families hurt by pornography. Wherever you are in life and whatever you have gone through Jesus still longs to heal and minister to the broken hearted. In this book that is sensitive, biblical and provocative, Vicki comes alongside of hurting women as a friend, and guides them to their Redeemer who alone can heal and minister. I recommend this book as it will be a source of comfort, strength, and hope.

Title: When Your Husband Is Addicted To Pornography Healing Your Wounded Heart

Author: Vicki Tiede

Publisher: New Growth Press (2012)

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the New Growth Press book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

[Chuck · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first heard about When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography from a pastor as we talked about individuals and couples who struggle with porn addiction. Then someone I was counseling said it had really helped her. I finally read it after hearing that Harvest USA endorsed it. I have read and used another Harvest USA recommendation (Closing the Window by Tim Chester) when counseling men with sexual addiction problems. When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography and Closing the Window will now be my one-two punch in reading assignments when I counsel future couples struggling with porn addiction.

From the very beginning Vicki reaches out to minister to women hurting because of their husband’s pornography addiction: “If you are reading this introduction, it’s most likely because God had unveiled your husband’s secret addiction to lust, masturbation, and pornography. Perhaps I am the first to say this to you: I’m so sorry.” Her gentle, personal tone is evident even in the midst of honestly, forthrightly telling it like it is. She frequently shares from her own experience and those of other women to illustrate her various topics. As she said in a YouTube video (available on her website, vickitiede.com): “I wrote this book because it’s my story.” Her first husband was addicted to pornography. She clearly tells her readers that the book is not a handbook to fix your husband. “It is for and about you, not your husband.”

The chapters are structured as six “weeks” of themes, with five “days” of reading and contemplation around each theme: hope, surrender, trust identity, brokenness, and forgiveness. Her discussion themes are carefully grounded in Scripture. Vicki’s discussion of forgiveness is one of the best-reasoned and balanced ones I’ve ever read.

Adapting the classification of sexual behavior of Patrick Carnes in Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, she identified four levels of addiction, and wrote primarily for women whose husbands have engaged in Level I sexual behaviors, often considered “acceptable” by mainstream culture: lust, fantasy, masturbation and pornography (magazines, video, cable/satellite TV, Internet). Vicki noted that many of the feelings and relational ramifications experienced by women whose husbands’ sexual addiction involves behaviors above Level I were the same; so they should find help for these needs, but her book does not focus on those specific issues. Level II behaviors consisted of fulfilling sexual desire with live porn: strip clubs, nude dancing, massage parlors, physical affairs and fetishes. Level III behaviors were criminal behaviors; Level IV behaviors were violent criminal behaviors such as: sexual assault, rape and child molestation. Discussion, testimony, bible study and assignments to apply the material are throughout the book. She also lists several helpful resources, including internet filters, support groups and workshops, Christian ministry websites (I recommend Harvest USA) and professional counseling resources.

As Vicki suggested, this is a resource to keep handy and give out when there is an unexpected conversation with a neighbor or friend (or someone you counsel) whose husband struggles with porn addiction. And surveys indicate that it is probably true of 50% of the men in church with you on any given Sunday. When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography can be worked through by individual wives, but I highly suggest that you join a support or discussion group and work through the material together. Even if you don’t know of an active support group in your area, have private conversations with a few other wives and I bet you’ll have a group up and going in no time.

[Kevin Sorensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely necessary…and I find that saddening. I wish it never had to be this way, but because of sin and sinful hearts in men and women, it is needed.

I found this book to be God-centered, Christ-exalting, Bible-saturated, hope-instilling, health-inducing, joy-restoring…I could try more hyphenated words because they fit this book. Vicki found an area about pornography that really hadn’t been explored and mined and she’s struck gold. For too long, the church has simply let women who suffer from the heartbreak and destruction resulting from a husband who has delved into the dark recesses of porn flounder with barely a rope. Now they don’t have to flounder.

I love the formatting which Vicki brought to her writing––putting the major pieces into weekly segments for ease of study, journaling and meditation. Moving through key areas which have been trampled, ripped apart and shamed, Tiede helps a woman (or a group of women) find the healing, forgiving touch of Christ. Beginning with hope, surrender and trust, she then moves on to identity, brokenness and forgiveness. I truly appreciated the chapter on identity––finding, grounding, building it in Christ. If only we Christians would get this right from at start, we might not see men addicted to pornography or women who need healing because of that sin. Yet here we are––so grounding one’s self in Christ is the only foundation for wholeness and healing.

When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart is set up to be used as a personal or a small group workbook, with each major section having several points with which to delve into God’s Word as well as journal thoughts, discoveries and meditations.

While written for women, this would be a “Must Read” for pastors, women’s ministry leaders and lay-counselors. They’ll have an excellent tool to use to better see wholeness in the Body of Christ.

I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

[Ginnette · Rating 4 out of 5]

It seems like this would be an excellent resource for a woman whose husband struggles.

[Erdahs]

Won as part of the Goodreads first reads program. Review to come.