The Attachment Connection: Parenting a Secure and Confident Child Using the Science of Attachment Theory

by Ruth P. Newton, Allan N. Schore (Foreword)

Studies in the 1950s revealed that young children hospitalized without their parents respond first by crying for them, then by showing signs of despair, and finally by emotionally detaching from the parents and acting indifferent to their absence. This detachment is hard to repair and highly detrimental to a child's development-most children who feel they cannot rely on their parents grow up to become more emotionally insecure and less self-assured than their peers. The Attachment Connection sorts out the facts from the fiction about parent-child attachment and shows how paying attention to the emotional needs of your child, particularly during the first five years of development, can help him or her grow up happy, secure, and confident. You'll discover how your child's brain is developing at each stage of growth and learn to use reasonable, easy-to-implement guidelines based on sound science to foster secure attachment, healthy social skills, and emotional regulation in your child.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Unfinished, Relationships, Psychology

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2008

Reviews

[BookChampions · Rating 2 out of 5]

I know, I know. I said I wouldn't read another parenting book for a while, but I started this one before Jude was born and I was looking for a little something to stimulate my thinking about being a dad.

And now this one is not a bad book, per se. Newton uses scientific proof to back up her claims, and I honestly believe in the core ideas here (as I believe in the core ideas of Attachment Parenting, period). I did learn a few things, too.

But I'm just tired of reading parenting books and having to, because I happen to be a man, put up with the author's biases that 1) only a mother would choose to be an attachment parent, 2) only a woman would read this book, and 3) only a woman have the natural ability to "attach." Newton does explicitly say that "men can do it too" (a refrain in most of the books I read about parenting), but I'm just tired of it.

In my last parenting review, I said that the best expert on your child is "YOU"! I stand by this statement. Pick and choose advice where you may, but take nothing as gospel. Yet there was one chapter in this book that just rubbed me the wrong way, and made me stop reading. In Chapter 13, Newton implies that the only reason a parent would put there kid in day care is because they couldn't afford otherwise. She doesn't harbor the inkling that parents would want to utilize day care because they actually want to work (or any other reason, in fact). She tries to make parents feel like they are taking some tremendous risk in the life of their child in doing so. And again, her implication is that the mother should be the one staying home (--but the father will do, I guess, if that's all that you can make happen).

It is for this book's subtexts, assumptions, biases, and inability to see the equal role BOTH PARENTS can play in attachment that I say, "No more!"

[Wendelle]

I really liked this book because it emphasizes the need for attunement, synchrony or sensitivity of the parent to the emotional and psychological needs of the child, from baby age to toddlerhood, and how significant it is for the baby to strengthen the bonds through gazing, play and responsiveness.

[Kurtbg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Attachment theory with a focus on early brain development and attachment. Chapters are broken out by different time stages in development and include what to expect.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book hoping it would discuss evidence for "attachment parenting" (babywearing, co-sleeping, etc.) but instead it discussed how attachment theory applies to parents. They're two different things so I was a little disappointed. Attachment theory is the one that found four different attachment styles--secure, insecure, ambivalent, and avoidant. Securely attached children use their parent as a base to explore the world around them in an unfamiliar situation.

The book stressed how important it is to look at infants' "right-brain" (ugh) communication and how your facial expressions, body language, and holding them communicate a lot more than words. It seems pretty obvious, but it was refreshing to read about how a child's attachment should be developing since many books focus on physical and cognitive development. A lot of the research cited on attachment theory was pretty old though, so I would have liked to see some more recent research on the subject (or was it just a trend in the 70s).

[M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful book for parents, primary caregivers and even childcare providers. The crux of the message I took away is primary caregivers need to help up-regulate positive emotions and help down-regulate difficult/negative emotions. Helping children do this is the foundation of secure children. It breaks down the different developmental stages and offers lots of practical advice on how best to support children based on the developmental stage.

[Kit · Rating 2 out of 5]

Perhaps a good resource for very new parents. However, as the parent of a kid who turns two next month, I find it gives only the most vague overview of development of older toddlers/preschoolers.

[Stacey Allen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting read.

[Andrea M · Rating 5 out of 5]

The child’s response to extreme distress is 1. protest, 2. despair, 3. detachment. Parents need to respond to a child’s inner-feeling world while encouraging mastery of the external world. This is because infants need help regulating their emotional arousal levels (fear and frustration) so that they don’t interfere with learning and development. When infants feel safe they are able to explore the unknown and develop solutions to new challenges. They also develop a positive image of self and positive images of others. Those who experienced inconsistent and insensitive caregiving may conclude that they are to blame for lack of love from the caretaker. They might think others are uncaring and unavailable and that they themselves are unlovable. These children and adults are especially susceptible to anxiety, separation and rejection while idealizing the “lone wolf” self sufficient hero.

Recent trends show a 56% increase in dismissive attachment styles and the ensuing lack of trust and self isolation, society faces a stark reality. This book will help you understand the attachment that must form for children and adults to retain control over their emotions and form constructive solutions to problems.

[Pearl Bamford · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great easily acceptable read for parent/ individuals who want to gain an insight into Attachment theory.

[Anita Répásy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sok hasznos információ nemcsak szakembereknek. Szívesen ajánlom minden szülőnek.

[Enikő · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting book with great examples. I learned a lot and I will definitely read the different chapters again when my child reaches the specific ages

[Louise Sullivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very accessible book for parents and others who are interested in how to raise secure children using the knowledge gleaned from attachment theory research. Contains an extensive bibliography.

[Cris · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book seems to be very scientific at first but in reality it does show the skimpiness of attachment research. However, I do think the author has a good instincts in reading family environments. I thought her observations of the seeming indifference of less attached children in the classical attachment experiment was very on point. While these children appeared outwardly calm in reality their heart rate increased when the mother came back into the room after a planned absence and they also avoided eye contact. Her own office 'studies' are very interesting, if statistically meaningless, from parents who share too much information (making the child insecure) to parents who overstimulate children. What I liked about the book is that it posited that even homes where both parents work CAN do attachment parenting, which I think is generally disbelieved. She suggests a secondary attachment to a child care provider is healthier if the person does not keep changing. A small part of the book is dedicated to talking about the role of the father as a secondary attachment in early childhood as the child begins to identify with another figure. Throughout the book Newton keeps relating childhood attachment issues to later emotional problems and while I can see that that COULD be a partial cause (an inability to receive love and trust) for those later problems there are really no statistics to back that up because the theory is so new. I wish she had talked more about the influence of personality on attached children.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

As I become a parent, I wanted to learn more about attachment theory and practical ways to incorporate this theory into my parenting. This book gives a lot of great case studies, lists of developmental benchmarks by ages, and concrete actions for creating secure attachment without making it seem that there is a "right way" and a "wrong way" to parent. This book instead suggests many simple ways to bond with a child and have a strong and secure emotional connection with your child. I also appreciated the straightforward, readable, but not dumbed down discussion of the research underlying attachment theory. Overall, this book was readable and useful to me as a new parent.

[Jody · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this book was really great in terms of breaking tdown the way that parenting contributes to brain development. I have a child who missed out on getting her needs met as a young child so it was helpful to better understand what she missed out on and what sort of effect that had on her development. I also have a toddler and I appreciated getting to better understand why what we do is helpful and what we could be doing more of. I also like that this author automatically assumes that most people want to parent their children well.

[Bianca · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good, straightforward book that focus more on the 'why's' of attachment parenting than the 'how's'. Personally I like learning about neuro connections and attachment theory, but if you are looking for something more instructive, then I recommend you read one of Dr. Sear's books. This is a clear overview of the importance of attachment parenting though, so it might be good as a book that you read and relay information from it to your non reading partner. Plenty of interested ideas and anecdotes to discuss.

[Toy Cooper-wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don't get lost!

I do not come from a background in psychology (since this is the language of this book), but the findings on attachment and ones development is astonishing, if you don't have children great because you need to learn a bit about yourself and your partner before you embark on the adventure of parenthood. I use to joke and say that people need licences and special classes for exotic animals, yet there is no requirement for the creation and raising of a human being.

[Kendra · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent look at early brain development and the effect of parental attunement on a child's emotional regulation. Grounded in solid and widely accepted research, this book does not delve into parenting controversies (sleep schedules, cosleeping, etc), but provides great information on how to help your child become secure and confident, with a solid sense of self, relationality, and empathy that will foster healthy relationships throughout life.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was looking for a book about the science of attachment parenting (babywearing, cosleeping, etc.) when I found this. It turned out to be about attachment theory. Attachment theory explores how babies bond with their caregivers and what effect the quality of the bond has on their neurological development. It was an interesting read so I finished it anyway, but I wanted to warn other people who might make the same mistake.

[Monica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thought this would have more clear guidelines supported with studies or observations. Got bogged down in the scientific aspects and human stories that seem to cloud the overall agenda. Guess my son will be a mamma's boy afterall.

[Suzanne Kash · Rating 2 out of 5]

Given the author's work with the homeless population, I believe this book reaches out to a wider audience than the securely attached parent-child, giving cases of children of neglect & abuse. While I read the entire book and was able to take a couple of ideas, I did not relate.

[Joe Martino · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a decent book. I think the biggest drawback is that it is really only intended for younger children and the marketing does not convey that. Good if you have younger children, not very helpful if your children are intermediate or above.

[Melissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

This author is so high on her self. She puts down any other kind of parenting. Even if you don't agree with other forms there are good and bad in every kind of parenting. Don't say that just because you don't do attachment you suck as a parent and your child is going to have so many issues

[Deborah Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Informative

I wish I had read this book before my children’s first years of life. Very educational and insightful. I did have some difficulty with all scientific parts but overall great book.

[Lisa Anacker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Has a good overview of some of the neuroscience behind attachment theory. Also goes over milestones through the 4th year

[Tatiana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book on attachment parenting!

[Esther · Rating 3 out of 5]

It gives some good, easy ideas on how to strengthen attachment for any parent to use at different developmental ages of children. It also simply explains what attachment is and why it is important.

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, but not that useful. I found a lot of the examples to be extreme situations that I have trouble relating to.

[Karen]

Fabulous book describing the process of development in a child of attaching (or not) with the care-giver. Must read for everyone!!

[Ali · Rating 3 out of 5]

Explained attachment well with interesting case studies and included brain research. Quite straight forward, easy to read, now just have to put it into practice!