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One Fish, Two Fish
Scott is in a lot of trouble.
His vet is holding his frozen dog to ransom, and if he can’t come up with £500 quickly, he’s lost him forever. His job at Chapterhouse Insurance is on shaky ground, and Scott needs a promotion if he’s going to outlive his failing department.
Only, everyone who gets promoted at Chapterhouse seems to get married first.
Against the advice of his friends, Scott decides he needs a wife to secure a promotion, and the money to finally get his dog back. But, being a fish obsessed semi-recluse, he quickly realises that he’s not going to find a woman the old fashioned way. Turning to the internet, Scott eventually finds a Russian woman looking to move to the UK.
When Maliki turns up at the airport, half Scott’s age, and definitely male, Scott begins to realise just how much trouble he’s in.
Living in close quarters with another man brings Scott to confront the spectre of his childhood, his absentee parents and the horrors of St. Savio's boarding school for boys.
Sarah Goodwin is currently studying for her MA in Creative Writing at Bath Spa University, and lives alone with a pot plant named Sidney.
His vet is holding his frozen dog to ransom, and if he can’t come up with £500 quickly, he’s lost him forever. His job at Chapterhouse Insurance is on shaky ground, and Scott needs a promotion if he’s going to outlive his failing department.
Only, everyone who gets promoted at Chapterhouse seems to get married first.
Against the advice of his friends, Scott decides he needs a wife to secure a promotion, and the money to finally get his dog back. But, being a fish obsessed semi-recluse, he quickly realises that he’s not going to find a woman the old fashioned way. Turning to the internet, Scott eventually finds a Russian woman looking to move to the UK.
When Maliki turns up at the airport, half Scott’s age, and definitely male, Scott begins to realise just how much trouble he’s in.
Living in close quarters with another man brings Scott to confront the spectre of his childhood, his absentee parents and the horrors of St. Savio's boarding school for boys.
Sarah Goodwin is currently studying for her MA in Creative Writing at Bath Spa University, and lives alone with a pot plant named Sidney.
267 pages, ebook
First published December 1, 2014
2 people are currently reading
83 people want to read
About the author
Sarah Goodwin
28 books797 followersAlso writing as Amy Cunningham (The Serial Killer's Party) and Amelia Wildwood (rom-com coming in summer 2026)
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
February 2, 2014
I laughed through a lot of this book. The other part just made me sad. Two desperate men, one desperate to continue to live in England rather than go back to Russia, and one who believed if he married, he would get a promotion come together in a laughable way.
This is definitely in need of an editor and some of it just droned on about nothing, but still funny.
This is definitely in need of an editor and some of it just droned on about nothing, but still funny.
May 1, 2014
What a great writer, what a lovely story. There are a few typos in the print and further proof reading would have been an advantage, but really this did not jar from my enjoyment of the story.
Set in modern day, Southern England the story is told from Scott's point of view.
Great observational writing, both funny and poignantly sad.
I see other reviewers did not like the ending. I'm not sure why, it is a HEA, well kind of a HAE, though it would be nice to know what became of the wealth obviously not inherited.
5 stars for a great story and great writing.
Set in modern day, Southern England the story is told from Scott's point of view.
Great observational writing, both funny and poignantly sad.
I see other reviewers did not like the ending. I'm not sure why, it is a HEA, well kind of a HAE, though it would be nice to know what became of the wealth obviously not inherited.
5 stars for a great story and great writing.
January 24, 2015
Depressing.
June 27, 2017
I could NOT put this book down. I'm really torn on what to rate it because I loved a lot of it, but did not like some other parts. But I was addicted to it and Maliki might be one of my all time favorite characters now. The only thing I didn't like about this book was that Scott really needed to come to his senses and I just wanted to smack him upside the head! I wanted more resolution at the end, but I suppose I'm happy with what there was.
There were a lot of typos and grammatical errors, but when I'm really loving a book, that doesn't bother me as much as it does when the storyline isn't a good one. I can really see myself reading this again, maybe even multiple times, and that's why I had to give it five stars...also Maliki. I feel like he alone deserves five stars.
I'm definitely going to be reading more from Sarah Goodwin and already plan for my next book to another ones of her's. Hopefully it will be as good as this one!
There were a lot of typos and grammatical errors, but when I'm really loving a book, that doesn't bother me as much as it does when the storyline isn't a good one. I can really see myself reading this again, maybe even multiple times, and that's why I had to give it five stars...also Maliki. I feel like he alone deserves five stars.
I'm definitely going to be reading more from Sarah Goodwin and already plan for my next book to another ones of her's. Hopefully it will be as good as this one!
August 8, 2014
A frozen dog held ransom, a sham gay marriage and plenty of fish - what's not to love?
This quirky book covers the few weeks between the arrival of Scott's mail order bride and the fake, or maybe not so fake, wedding. Scott is a broke insurance agent who is certain that only marriage will get him promoted. And his time is running out. Not only is his department about to be shut down, he needs to pay for his electrocuted dog's medical bills. The only problem? He doesn't like to have people around, upsetting his order of things. That his bride is in fact a guy seems to be the least of his problems. Luckily for Scott, his colleagues take an interest in his life, turning them slowly but surely into the first friends he has.
At first, I was intrigued by the weirdness of it all (even Scott's dog has a difficult past involving a crack den). Then I became invested in the MCs and wanted to know how Scott's many fuck ups could possibly lead to anything good.
Not that everything made complete sense, Maliki's age for example changed throughout the book. That's where an editor or one or two beta readers would have come in handy (also to help with punctuation and typos). Also, some parts could have been tightened. But all in all, I recommend this rather unusual love (?) story. Also, don't be too concerned by Scott's difficult and slightly over the top past - there's a nice twist there.
June 27, 2017
This is my second book by this author and I'm seeing a pattern, already. There is a serious need for editing and formatting required, with mistakes throughout. Again, I'm missing the vital copyright and author bio info. The story is depressive in the way it's told, while also placing us into the head of someone who is actually depressed or seems like it. There's more telling than showing and this one differs only by coming across more biographical than the other book I read. There's also a heavy reliance on the old "broke" concept in both stories, limiting the abilities and wealth of the characters almost to an extreme.
The story is told in 1st again, but actually switches between past and present tense a few times. It also begins with the slightly disturbing and very briefly covered fact that Scott's dog has to be put to sleep, which kicks off the whole "he can't pay for it" part of the blurb.
Scott is a telemarketer and we see a lot of his work environment, since all of his friends are from work. However, I'm not so fond of his friends. Coral, for one, is a total class-A piece of work that I just can't stand. She's a bullying, interfering cow and I hated her right from the start. Debbie is a push-over; although Scott is actually called lonely and bitter at one point, I see Coral as the one most embodying those traits. Whenever Scott is bitter, it's for a reason; because of the constant bullying, neglect of his childhood.
Scott, however, I liked. He's a bit of a loner loser, like me. He's anti-social, exhibits many asexual traits, although the author doesn't go that far. He's simply someone who is ambivalent about the whole 'relationship', 'love' and 'sex' concepts. Yet, I feel this was left too wide open at the end of the book; no one ever addressed how Maliki felt about it. Scott is OCD, a control freak, homophobic at the beginning, relationship-phobic and people-phobic. The story also tackles mental health issues and suicide.
There are fade-to-black sex scenes but they're not well done and don't transition from sex to something else; it just happens, from one second to the next.
While the writing was at a good level and I was intrigued by the once again unique concept, I felt like the characters ruined it for me. I loved Scott and Maliki right from the start, and they had great chemistry together, they talked and they tried to get to know each other, despite the less than stellar circumstances. But I found his friends left something to be desired. Mostly, they treated Scott like a child. No one ever truly accepted his conditions, calling them 'quirks' and they all treated him like a difficult, petulant child who had to be coddled, mollified and handled with care. Whenever he did something even remotely emotional, he was branded as over reactive, told to calm down or someone pitched a fit, scolding him for being overly emotional. Yet when he truly needed him, at the very end of the story, they treated him like a leper and then had the cheek to be surprised that he gave them what they wanted.
For me, I enjoyed the story, but I think the friends really ruined it for me, by being far too presumptive, pushy and controlling of him. I didn't get the point of Debbie's drama except as a way to add a side story that distracted Scott for a while. I was disappointed by the sudden ending and the Epilogue which was far too brief and told us next to nothing; I wanted something to actually happened and felt like I was left with lots of unanswered questions.
Favourite Quote
"I'd been a baby and then a heathen child, and I'd had my baptism of fiery adolescence at St. Savio's. It was only on that first day in the library that I became middle aged."
The story is told in 1st again, but actually switches between past and present tense a few times. It also begins with the slightly disturbing and very briefly covered fact that Scott's dog has to be put to sleep, which kicks off the whole "he can't pay for it" part of the blurb.
Scott is a telemarketer and we see a lot of his work environment, since all of his friends are from work. However, I'm not so fond of his friends. Coral, for one, is a total class-A piece of work that I just can't stand. She's a bullying, interfering cow and I hated her right from the start. Debbie is a push-over; although Scott is actually called lonely and bitter at one point, I see Coral as the one most embodying those traits. Whenever Scott is bitter, it's for a reason; because of the constant bullying, neglect of his childhood.
Scott, however, I liked. He's a bit of a loner loser, like me. He's anti-social, exhibits many asexual traits, although the author doesn't go that far. He's simply someone who is ambivalent about the whole 'relationship', 'love' and 'sex' concepts. Yet, I feel this was left too wide open at the end of the book; no one ever addressed how Maliki felt about it. Scott is OCD, a control freak, homophobic at the beginning, relationship-phobic and people-phobic. The story also tackles mental health issues and suicide.
There are fade-to-black sex scenes but they're not well done and don't transition from sex to something else; it just happens, from one second to the next.
While the writing was at a good level and I was intrigued by the once again unique concept, I felt like the characters ruined it for me. I loved Scott and Maliki right from the start, and they had great chemistry together, they talked and they tried to get to know each other, despite the less than stellar circumstances. But I found his friends left something to be desired. Mostly, they treated Scott like a child. No one ever truly accepted his conditions, calling them 'quirks' and they all treated him like a difficult, petulant child who had to be coddled, mollified and handled with care. Whenever he did something even remotely emotional, he was branded as over reactive, told to calm down or someone pitched a fit, scolding him for being overly emotional. Yet when he truly needed him, at the very end of the story, they treated him like a leper and then had the cheek to be surprised that he gave them what they wanted.
For me, I enjoyed the story, but I think the friends really ruined it for me, by being far too presumptive, pushy and controlling of him. I didn't get the point of Debbie's drama except as a way to add a side story that distracted Scott for a while. I was disappointed by the sudden ending and the Epilogue which was far too brief and told us next to nothing; I wanted something to actually happened and felt like I was left with lots of unanswered questions.
Favourite Quote
"I'd been a baby and then a heathen child, and I'd had my baptism of fiery adolescence at St. Savio's. It was only on that first day in the library that I became middle aged."
June 26, 2017
I am unsure about this book, hence the middle-of-the-road rating.
Basically this is rather a sad story about Scott who has, I think, Aspergers and/or OCD.
Certainly he has difficulty relating to others and forming bonds.He has a number of obsessions and repetitive habits. Altogether he is a difficult character.He keeps a lot of tropical fish in his small flat and a strange dog which dies at the start of the book and whose body is retained by the vet as Scott cannot pay the bill. He needs promotion to earn enough to pay the vet.
He has his very individual view of the world, his past and his place in them.
When he decides that his lack of a marriage partner is the only obstacle standing in the way of his promotion, he arranges for a Russian woman to come to Britain to marry him.
What Scott gets is Maliki, a young,gay,Russian man who has no English. He decides to marry him anyway since he thinks he has feelings for neither men nor women.
Although Scott finds a lot of things about Maliki annoying, he is aroused sexually by him and they have sex- once. Predictably Scott goes into rejective mode as he cannot cope with the closeness to another human.However he teaches Maliki English, helps him find a job and goes through with the marriage (civil partnership?).
On the wedding night, he deserts his husband to go and find out the truth about his school life and his parents. School may not have been what he has thought.His incarceration in a mental hospital may not have been what he thought. Certainly his parents are now dead.
He returns home and moves with Maliki to a small house and to a new company but doing the same job.
I found the ending difficult to fathom. Maybe that was the point. Nothing ties up or is tied up.
Basically this is rather a sad story about Scott who has, I think, Aspergers and/or OCD.
Certainly he has difficulty relating to others and forming bonds.He has a number of obsessions and repetitive habits. Altogether he is a difficult character.He keeps a lot of tropical fish in his small flat and a strange dog which dies at the start of the book and whose body is retained by the vet as Scott cannot pay the bill. He needs promotion to earn enough to pay the vet.
He has his very individual view of the world, his past and his place in them.
When he decides that his lack of a marriage partner is the only obstacle standing in the way of his promotion, he arranges for a Russian woman to come to Britain to marry him.
What Scott gets is Maliki, a young,gay,Russian man who has no English. He decides to marry him anyway since he thinks he has feelings for neither men nor women.
Although Scott finds a lot of things about Maliki annoying, he is aroused sexually by him and they have sex- once. Predictably Scott goes into rejective mode as he cannot cope with the closeness to another human.However he teaches Maliki English, helps him find a job and goes through with the marriage (civil partnership?).
On the wedding night, he deserts his husband to go and find out the truth about his school life and his parents. School may not have been what he has thought.His incarceration in a mental hospital may not have been what he thought. Certainly his parents are now dead.
He returns home and moves with Maliki to a small house and to a new company but doing the same job.
I found the ending difficult to fathom. Maybe that was the point. Nothing ties up or is tied up.
November 14, 2017
3.5
This is the second book I read by Sarah Goodwin. I loved the story of Scott, a kind of autistic/OCD character, and Maliki, the Russian ''bride'' he ordered, which turns out to be definitely male. Scott tries to get a wife because he thinks that everybody else at work get promoted because married, it is a kind of idea one would expect from Scott. There are funny and sad parts, but in general the book doesn't leave you depressed.
The editing issues and mistakes continues, from comma problems to sentences starting with verbs in the past with suddenly a new verb in the present (it can happen, but in these cases it was simply a mistake).
This is the second book I read by Sarah Goodwin. I loved the story of Scott, a kind of autistic/OCD character, and Maliki, the Russian ''bride'' he ordered, which turns out to be definitely male. Scott tries to get a wife because he thinks that everybody else at work get promoted because married, it is a kind of idea one would expect from Scott. There are funny and sad parts, but in general the book doesn't leave you depressed.
The editing issues and mistakes continues, from comma problems to sentences starting with verbs in the past with suddenly a new verb in the present (it can happen, but in these cases it was simply a mistake).
September 2, 2017
I loved the Englishness of the novel and besides the cheating the novel was entertaining. Both hilarious and heartbreaking at times.
Cheating spoiler:
Tags - Autism: Asperger's was suggested by a teacher/counselor(?) when Scott was a child
Abuse: Scott is severely neglected by his wealthy parents his whole childhood and he was bullied at school, Maliki was openly gay in Russia (enough said)
Cheating spoiler:
Tags - Autism: Asperger's was suggested by a teacher/counselor(?) when Scott was a child
Abuse: Scott is severely neglected by his wealthy parents his whole childhood and he was bullied at school, Maliki was openly gay in Russia (enough said)
January 24, 2017
Another doom and gloom story from this author. Lol I love these because they're so different from the typical romance tripe. Although, they do feel a bit unsatisfying at the end. You keep hoping for great things for these characters and you end up with an average "life sucks but you go on" kind of ending.
And, yes, an editor would be helpful to clean up some of the grammatical errors and creative use of commas. But, when you self-publish, you have to do it all yourself and it's really hard to pick out errors when you've been so involved with the story.
I'm eagerly awaiting more stories by this author.
And, yes, an editor would be helpful to clean up some of the grammatical errors and creative use of commas. But, when you self-publish, you have to do it all yourself and it's really hard to pick out errors when you've been so involved with the story.
I'm eagerly awaiting more stories by this author.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 7, 2017
3.5 stars.
August 11, 2016
Ernüchternd. Humorvoll und locker zu Beginn und ziemlich nervenaufreibend zum Schluss. Realitätsnah. Was die ganze Geschichte um Ecken schauriger/lebhafter macht.
Zwei verzweifelte Männer die aufeinander stoßen und, mehr oder weniger unbeabsichtigt, ihr Leben gründlich umwerfen. Obwohl ich nie so wirklich Malikis Anziehung zu Scott verstanden habe. Egal, Charaktere mit Pepp; sogar die am Rande. Originelle Story.
Jedenfalls gibt es von mir 3.5-4 Sterne
Zwei verzweifelte Männer die aufeinander stoßen und, mehr oder weniger unbeabsichtigt, ihr Leben gründlich umwerfen. Obwohl ich nie so wirklich Malikis Anziehung zu Scott verstanden habe. Egal, Charaktere mit Pepp; sogar die am Rande. Originelle Story.
Jedenfalls gibt es von mir 3.5-4 Sterne
July 21, 2014
Simply superb. Goodwin is going to be a star. What a lovely, poignant book. I'm completely confused by the people unhappy with the ending. It was a perfect HEA. The MCs end up together --lovable, odd and quirky.
honestly-ill-never-get-around-to-it
December 15, 2013Teh yays! New Sarah Goodwin book!
(Vast improvement on the cover design makes me happy.)
(Vast improvement on the cover design makes me happy.)
January 3, 2014
I liked about 98% of it. The last 2% were utter crap. After all that, I expect more.
Also, there are so many editing issues. Yikes.
Also, there are so many editing issues. Yikes.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews