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The Selfish Pig's Guide To Caring: How to cope with the emotional and practical aspects of caring for someone
Six million people in the UK, often unnoticed by the rest of us, provide unpaid care for disabled or elderly relatives, friends or neighbours. Their job is long, lonely and hard, yet there is limited support and no formal training. As a result, carers suffer frequent damage to physical and mental health.
Oddly, though carers by definition are anything but selfish pigs, they are liable to feelings of guilt, probably brought on by fatigue and isolation. So Hugh Marriott has written this book for them - and also for the rest of us who don't know what being a carer is all about. His aim is bring into the open everything he wishes he'd been told when he first became a carer. And he does. The book airs such topics as sex, thoughts of murder, and dealing with the responses of friends and officials who fail to understand.
This is a must-read for anyone involved with caring.
394 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2003
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117 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
March 12, 2013
If you are a carer I urge you to read this book. It isn’t about how to claim benefits or how to obtain help from Social Services – though both those subjects are mentioned. It’s about the way caring makes you feel – both about yourself and about the person you are caring for. You may think you make all those sacrifices willingly in order to care for your loved one but somewhere lurking under the self-sacrifice is how you feel about losing all the things you enjoy in your own life. Many carers tend to make a virtue out of necessity and realising it’s impossible to do the things they used to enjoy just forget they ever enjoyed them.
Constantly bottling up your own feelings and always putting someone else’s needs before your own ultimately takes its toll on your own physical and mental health. Your first task as a carer, as this book makes clear is to be a Selfish Pig (SP) because ultimately you have to take care of your own needs otherwise it’s impossible to continue as a carer because you will suffer from burnout. It isn’t just overworked executives who suffer from burnout. The constant demands from the person you’re caring for (your Piglet in the terminology of the book) takes a much greater toll on the carer than many carers realise.
As well as being amusing and having plenty of cartoon type illustrations this book will reassure carers that they are not alone in the feelings of rage, frustration and sadness they may suffer. You want to do the best for your loved one and you can get so caught up in day to day routines that you don’t realise how much you miss being independent. When it takes hours to get your piglet ready for a simple trip out it hardly seems worthwhile to even attempt the expedition. When you’ve man-handled a wheelchair (however light-weight) out of a car boot, settled your Piglet into it, sorted out your joint baggage, pushed the wheelchair wherever you’re going and then reversed the process at the end of the visit you’ve pretty well used up all your energy and try doing it more than once a day!
But it’s not just physical problems which put a strain on the carer – even worse in some ways are the mental problems which cause your Piglet to be dependent on you. Groundhog Day has got nothing on someone with memory problems! Many of the conversations reported in this book sound very familiar to me. I found this book very reassuring and an entertaining read because it is written by someone who is a carer and who knows the joys and frustrations first hand so it has the ring of truth. Highly recommended to anyone who is in the much under-rated job of being a carer.
Constantly bottling up your own feelings and always putting someone else’s needs before your own ultimately takes its toll on your own physical and mental health. Your first task as a carer, as this book makes clear is to be a Selfish Pig (SP) because ultimately you have to take care of your own needs otherwise it’s impossible to continue as a carer because you will suffer from burnout. It isn’t just overworked executives who suffer from burnout. The constant demands from the person you’re caring for (your Piglet in the terminology of the book) takes a much greater toll on the carer than many carers realise.
As well as being amusing and having plenty of cartoon type illustrations this book will reassure carers that they are not alone in the feelings of rage, frustration and sadness they may suffer. You want to do the best for your loved one and you can get so caught up in day to day routines that you don’t realise how much you miss being independent. When it takes hours to get your piglet ready for a simple trip out it hardly seems worthwhile to even attempt the expedition. When you’ve man-handled a wheelchair (however light-weight) out of a car boot, settled your Piglet into it, sorted out your joint baggage, pushed the wheelchair wherever you’re going and then reversed the process at the end of the visit you’ve pretty well used up all your energy and try doing it more than once a day!
But it’s not just physical problems which put a strain on the carer – even worse in some ways are the mental problems which cause your Piglet to be dependent on you. Groundhog Day has got nothing on someone with memory problems! Many of the conversations reported in this book sound very familiar to me. I found this book very reassuring and an entertaining read because it is written by someone who is a carer and who knows the joys and frustrations first hand so it has the ring of truth. Highly recommended to anyone who is in the much under-rated job of being a carer.
June 11, 2020
I am hard put to say exactly what it was I found useful about this book, yet I feel more at peace since reading it. It might just be having someone be brutally honest about how the life of a caregiver is mostly terrible and in addition to being bone-deep exhausted all the time, you occasionally feel murderous and/or suicidal, never feel adequate or up to the job, and then oh hi here comes the guilt. Sometimes it's enough just to feel seen.
In terms of practical matters and specific coping strategies, there really aren't any here. The book is probably slightly more useful in this regard to people living in the UK rather than US because when Marriott talks about Officialdom, he means the structures in place by the UK government to care for the aged and disabled which are far more robust than those in the US. It appears that long-term care is something that the UK government will pay for (though no promises as to quality of care) as part of its nationalized health care scheme; in the US, long-term care is only paid for if the person is destitute (last time I checked, there had to be less than $3000 total assets). And even for the UK reader, he doesn't really go into details about how to obtain assistance; he mostly says that the rules change all the time, applications get denied for random reasons, and the best strategy is to keep at it until you get lucky and someone accidentally approves your request for aid.
Another negative is I feel like the book was overly long compared to its content, considering that Marriott acknowledges that time in its various aspects is the caregiver's nemesis. I'm not sure the chapter on sex was necessary at all, and although the chapter on teenage caregivers was interesting in that I didn't know there were so many of them, I doubt that any of them would be reading this book and in any case the shorter version of that chapter is: caregiving sucks and it sucks harder if you're still in high school. Again, there's just not much practical advice in how to achieve things. It's mostly, yes, you need to take respite breaks, but sometimes that's more work to arrange than it's worth, so maybe you won't, but you should. Or repeated cautions about not hurting your back when moving your person, but not even the most cursory information about how to do that. This book highlights things you need to be aware of, but if you've been caring for someone for any length of time, you're already aware. Like most books on caregiving, the value of this is mostly in letting you know you're not alone. I mean, you ARE, but there are a lot of others out there who are alone at the same time.
In terms of practical matters and specific coping strategies, there really aren't any here. The book is probably slightly more useful in this regard to people living in the UK rather than US because when Marriott talks about Officialdom, he means the structures in place by the UK government to care for the aged and disabled which are far more robust than those in the US. It appears that long-term care is something that the UK government will pay for (though no promises as to quality of care) as part of its nationalized health care scheme; in the US, long-term care is only paid for if the person is destitute (last time I checked, there had to be less than $3000 total assets). And even for the UK reader, he doesn't really go into details about how to obtain assistance; he mostly says that the rules change all the time, applications get denied for random reasons, and the best strategy is to keep at it until you get lucky and someone accidentally approves your request for aid.
Another negative is I feel like the book was overly long compared to its content, considering that Marriott acknowledges that time in its various aspects is the caregiver's nemesis. I'm not sure the chapter on sex was necessary at all, and although the chapter on teenage caregivers was interesting in that I didn't know there were so many of them, I doubt that any of them would be reading this book and in any case the shorter version of that chapter is: caregiving sucks and it sucks harder if you're still in high school. Again, there's just not much practical advice in how to achieve things. It's mostly, yes, you need to take respite breaks, but sometimes that's more work to arrange than it's worth, so maybe you won't, but you should. Or repeated cautions about not hurting your back when moving your person, but not even the most cursory information about how to do that. This book highlights things you need to be aware of, but if you've been caring for someone for any length of time, you're already aware. Like most books on caregiving, the value of this is mostly in letting you know you're not alone. I mean, you ARE, but there are a lot of others out there who are alone at the same time.
October 29, 2024
I haven’t read many books on the subject of caring yet (I am caring after a parent with Alzheimer's, and although we are in the early stages, any help is welcome), so I can’t compare this one with anything, but I liked the focus on the carer. Although the book deals with a lot of aspects of caring (from frustrations, feeling lonely, and financial issues, to sex and toileting), these are always approached from the point of view of the carer. The author clarifies that he will not be providing specific advice, because many different conditions require care and the advice would not suit everybody, specific information on certain subjects (benefits and where to find information, for example) will change over time and it would be difficult to keep up-to-date, and the way things work in different countries will be very different. Despite all that, the book succeeds in tapping into how carers feel and providing useful advice, mostly about one’s attitude and way of thinking about caring.
One of the pieces of advice that I found more useful was his recommendation to start thinking about yourself, presenting yourself as a carer, and becoming aware of what an important task carers do. His recommendation to listen to other carers, and look for advice from support groups is also invaluable. And his comments about Officialdom and how to deal with them (insist, insist, and make a pest of yourself if necessary, but don’t give up), sound right as well. He also includes personal accounts, and quotes from other carers, which I found useful as well because nobody can talk about the subject with as much authority as somebody who is (or has been) a carer.
Marriott writes about a serious subject but injects plenty of humour into the situation, and does not shy away from any topics or from calling a spade, a spade. Readers who expect a mild and proper book should be warned, as the author explains that the book isn’t politically correct, and that is true. It didn’t bother me at all, but some readers might feel offended by some of the terminology used. For example, Marriott comes up with a term for the cared-for person: ‘Person I Give Love and Endless Therapy to’ and he shortens it to PIGLET, and that term is used the whole book.
The book is divided into chapters, by topics, after an introduction specifying what the book is not, and what it is. It can be read by picking up something the carer is interested in or needs advice on, or read from cover to cover (which is what I did, even though some of the chapters aren’t relevant to me. They still managed to make me think).
There are notes clarifying issues, and the author also includes a Glossary, a section on resources (a bibliography that includes booklets and seminars), and a detailed index.
Apart from the warning about the language and the subjects, which might be distasteful for some readers, even though the author’s stated intention is not to offer specific advice, I noticed that much of the advice and the comments refer to organisations and official bodies from the UK. Although there will be similar organisations and bodies in many other countries (I’m still wondering if there is an equivalent to the Citizens Advice Bureau where I live now, and I can’t think of one, although you can find similar information spread out in different places), that is not always the case. I am not an expert on how care is organised in different countries, but having accompanied a friend of mine (a nurse) whose mother lived in Egypt and who was being looked after by a paid carer at home, I am aware of how different things can be. So, although most readers are likely to find something useful they connect with in this book, some might find it puzzling or not applicable at all.
In sum, this is a book that puts the carers right at the centre and advises them to be selfish (although you need to read the book to learn more) in order to keep caring, do the best job possible, and feel proud of it. So, even with the caveats above, I recommend it to anybody who has found himself in this situation (by choice or not so much). It might not be a life-saver, but it might change your perspective, and that might make a difference.
One of the pieces of advice that I found more useful was his recommendation to start thinking about yourself, presenting yourself as a carer, and becoming aware of what an important task carers do. His recommendation to listen to other carers, and look for advice from support groups is also invaluable. And his comments about Officialdom and how to deal with them (insist, insist, and make a pest of yourself if necessary, but don’t give up), sound right as well. He also includes personal accounts, and quotes from other carers, which I found useful as well because nobody can talk about the subject with as much authority as somebody who is (or has been) a carer.
Marriott writes about a serious subject but injects plenty of humour into the situation, and does not shy away from any topics or from calling a spade, a spade. Readers who expect a mild and proper book should be warned, as the author explains that the book isn’t politically correct, and that is true. It didn’t bother me at all, but some readers might feel offended by some of the terminology used. For example, Marriott comes up with a term for the cared-for person: ‘Person I Give Love and Endless Therapy to’ and he shortens it to PIGLET, and that term is used the whole book.
The book is divided into chapters, by topics, after an introduction specifying what the book is not, and what it is. It can be read by picking up something the carer is interested in or needs advice on, or read from cover to cover (which is what I did, even though some of the chapters aren’t relevant to me. They still managed to make me think).
There are notes clarifying issues, and the author also includes a Glossary, a section on resources (a bibliography that includes booklets and seminars), and a detailed index.
Apart from the warning about the language and the subjects, which might be distasteful for some readers, even though the author’s stated intention is not to offer specific advice, I noticed that much of the advice and the comments refer to organisations and official bodies from the UK. Although there will be similar organisations and bodies in many other countries (I’m still wondering if there is an equivalent to the Citizens Advice Bureau where I live now, and I can’t think of one, although you can find similar information spread out in different places), that is not always the case. I am not an expert on how care is organised in different countries, but having accompanied a friend of mine (a nurse) whose mother lived in Egypt and who was being looked after by a paid carer at home, I am aware of how different things can be. So, although most readers are likely to find something useful they connect with in this book, some might find it puzzling or not applicable at all.
In sum, this is a book that puts the carers right at the centre and advises them to be selfish (although you need to read the book to learn more) in order to keep caring, do the best job possible, and feel proud of it. So, even with the caveats above, I recommend it to anybody who has found himself in this situation (by choice or not so much). It might not be a life-saver, but it might change your perspective, and that might make a difference.
September 21, 2023
Definitely a book for my shelf. Got this book to see if I can help dad.
The authors attitude is spot on, ‘it’s not just you, this is the reality of it’. And at times you’re not sure if you are laughing or crying. As he says it’s not meant to be a book about providing answers on form filling or medical advice. I think it’s more about ‘you are not alone, this is how it is.’
Some really good tips on where to seek advice and useful guide is really helpful.
The authors attitude is spot on, ‘it’s not just you, this is the reality of it’. And at times you’re not sure if you are laughing or crying. As he says it’s not meant to be a book about providing answers on form filling or medical advice. I think it’s more about ‘you are not alone, this is how it is.’
Some really good tips on where to seek advice and useful guide is really helpful.
November 23, 2014
Good for those new to caring and old hands on the brink of burnout but should be required reading for employers, people in caring and medical professions and policy-makers in government.
Although it's fairly expansive, covering all manner of subjects in relation to being a carer and the issues they face, at times it's long winded and repetitive, tending to focus more on carer's looking after those with physical problems rather than mental health ones, though they are touched upon.
I liked the unique approach to the carer (the pig) and the caree (the piglet) and the quirky illustrations alongside the information and advice given from an actual carer, the author, someone who knew what they were talking about.
Although it's fairly expansive, covering all manner of subjects in relation to being a carer and the issues they face, at times it's long winded and repetitive, tending to focus more on carer's looking after those with physical problems rather than mental health ones, though they are touched upon.
I liked the unique approach to the carer (the pig) and the caree (the piglet) and the quirky illustrations alongside the information and advice given from an actual carer, the author, someone who knew what they were talking about.
June 30, 2018
It's a kind, very human, guide for people who care for a partner, family member or friend with any sort of long-term condition. It deals frankly with the harder aspects of caring: whether practical (such as managing incontinence) or emotional (dealing with your own resentment or guilt). It takes an honest look at carers' own needs, and is realistic but firm about the importance of looking after yourself, getting help, and taking breaks from caring - and it offers some reasonably timeless and practical (if non-specific) tips on how to get the assistance that's out there.
EDITED to echo those who've said: as a practical guide written for carers, it is also a powerful account of carers' lives, priorities and struggles, which should be read by those of us whose job it is to make their lives better, or who work in services which have the power to help.
EDITED to echo those who've said: as a practical guide written for carers, it is also a powerful account of carers' lives, priorities and struggles, which should be read by those of us whose job it is to make their lives better, or who work in services which have the power to help.
July 1, 2022
A searingly honest, warts-and-all guide to being a carer. The author has lived it and knows exactly what to say and how to reassure, talking to the reader as if an old friend. He tells you what kinds of help you can receive as a carer and where you go to find it. He shows you that the things that you're thinking and feeling and experiencing aren't at all unique to you, that there are a lot of us going through it and who have gone through it, and we all feel more or less the same. It's comforting, realistic, and at times enlightening. I'd call it a must for anyone caring for a loved one in a serious capacity.
August 6, 2020
Yup. Very comforting book in a lot of ways for anyone who is a carer of some capacity. Tackles a lot of issues that you might be scared to address or believe yourself to be alone in thinking and going through.
It does kinda repeat itself from chapter to chapter but it is a needed and appreciated book for those it is aimed towards.
It does kinda repeat itself from chapter to chapter but it is a needed and appreciated book for those it is aimed towards.
July 16, 2022
This is a brilliant book. Down to earth, funny, irreverent. As always, Carers get the best advice from other Carers! Well worth a read for anyone caring for someone else, in any capacity. I found it very useful in my caring role. Don’t let the title put you off. It all makes sense once you start reading.
June 29, 2018
I'm not a carer - but as a social worker it was a real opportunity to hear an honest and straight forward account that this book provides, of what it is like to be one. I strongly believe this will resonate for others, and would recommend it.
February 4, 2019
Will need to keep this handy to remind myself what to do when I'm sliding into burnout.
March 1, 2019
Very wise. Love the cartoons!
July 3, 2019
Sometimes you need something a bit blunt. Useful and grounding, basics and nuances of caring for someone you love.
January 15, 2020
Good read, overall. Easy to follow, and something you can pick up at any time at any place, each chapter serves different purposes
June 6, 2012
No one wakes up and decides on the spur of the moment to become a carer. You're thrown in head-over-heels and you have to hope that you can keep yourself and - as Marriott calls them - your piglet afloat.
While other books take you through the practicals of how to do this or what it takes to deal with a specific illness, where you can go to get support or what financial benefits you're entitled to, Marriott takes an approach that gives you an insider's view into being a carer – and doing it in such a way that you stay sane and healthy.
More he's willing to cover topics other books lack, including a changed sex life (when your piglet is your partner) and the grieving process when your carer role comes to an end.
Being a carer transforms your whole life but it's rewarding and leads to a richer life than you can imagine (I just got back from taking my Grandma out for a walk - which she loves - on a wintry Melbourne night). Carers need to remember that to be able to care for their piglet, they need to care for themselves first.
While other books take you through the practicals of how to do this or what it takes to deal with a specific illness, where you can go to get support or what financial benefits you're entitled to, Marriott takes an approach that gives you an insider's view into being a carer – and doing it in such a way that you stay sane and healthy.
More he's willing to cover topics other books lack, including a changed sex life (when your piglet is your partner) and the grieving process when your carer role comes to an end.
Being a carer transforms your whole life but it's rewarding and leads to a richer life than you can imagine (I just got back from taking my Grandma out for a walk - which she loves - on a wintry Melbourne night). Carers need to remember that to be able to care for their piglet, they need to care for themselves first.
April 23, 2014
Very impressed with this useful, important book. It's well written, very down to earth and easy to relate to. It also covers a massive range of subjects that (as the author points out) are not easy to discuss or find out about, or seem "hidden" from carers for some reason.
I had a few gripes but these were addressed i.e. it was repetitive BUT within the first few pages the author said it was intended to be read based on chapter not cover to cover (I read it cover to cover!)...there was a lot of generalising throughout to the extent where I was frequently thinking "well that's not always true" BUT the author would then go into detail on that particular subject later and excuse himself in places...there was quite a bitter tone to the whole book BUT I could not argue with a single thing the author was saying, so it's fair enough and I felt very sympathetic.
I'd imagine this would be a relief to read for anyone who is a carer (specifically it's for new carers, but I think it would be just as useful in different ways for different people / situations too).
I had a few gripes but these were addressed i.e. it was repetitive BUT within the first few pages the author said it was intended to be read based on chapter not cover to cover (I read it cover to cover!)...there was a lot of generalising throughout to the extent where I was frequently thinking "well that's not always true" BUT the author would then go into detail on that particular subject later and excuse himself in places...there was quite a bitter tone to the whole book BUT I could not argue with a single thing the author was saying, so it's fair enough and I felt very sympathetic.
I'd imagine this would be a relief to read for anyone who is a carer (specifically it's for new carers, but I think it would be just as useful in different ways for different people / situations too).
January 14, 2019
I have stopped at 32%, but have decided to put this on record so I can return to this later in my life.
This would be very useful to everybody, because with Marriott's definition of what a "carer" is, we are bound to be carers at some point in my life. I started the book due to my voluntary job as an online bibliotherapist, but then the practical aspects of the book (which are really recommended to those who are full-time, unpaid carers to family members) would not be very helpful to me for the time being.
Marriott has also shown the more practical aspects of being a carer, pointing out that certain sentiments such as guilt and irritation would be normal (don't gasp), which would be soothing, I believe, to most.
This would be very useful to everybody, because with Marriott's definition of what a "carer" is, we are bound to be carers at some point in my life. I started the book due to my voluntary job as an online bibliotherapist, but then the practical aspects of the book (which are really recommended to those who are full-time, unpaid carers to family members) would not be very helpful to me for the time being.
Marriott has also shown the more practical aspects of being a carer, pointing out that certain sentiments such as guilt and irritation would be normal (don't gasp), which would be soothing, I believe, to most.
July 27, 2012
This is a book I highly recommend to anyone who is caring for a family member or friend. It is a practical easy to read guide, it is a wonderful story of caring for a family member and it has lashings of humour often missing in this very serious subject.
It is fun but full of good information.
I have recommended it endlessly to family carers including my own mother and the feedback is always great.
It is fun but full of good information.
I have recommended it endlessly to family carers including my own mother and the feedback is always great.
June 28, 2016
If you care for someone who has an illness or disability you need this book! I read it in 2014 and am reading it again. The only book I have found that adresses the feelings and needs of the carer. It addresses so many issues carers face. I related to so many and helped me feel less insane. It will save your sanity and maybe your life. And it will probably bring a smile to your face. Great Book.
August 24, 2013
The best tonic a caregiver could hope for: a book full of funny pep talks and heartfelt commiseration. Good for anyone caring for a PIGLET with just about any chronic condition. I chuckled my way through it.
December 13, 2014
A patient gave me this book to read after we were speaking about dementia. It was a good insight into what carers go through, however it was made very clear throughout that the book was aimed at carers, so it wasn't really relevant for me.
January 27, 2019
I really needed to see these words in print. Marriott speaks the truth, caring is hard, thankless, isolating and necessary. The book is full of encouragement, help, and straight talk for carers. It's a keeper! I will be rereading pieces of this book for a long time.
Want to read
August 1, 2022This book makes me feel warm after reading a few pages in the beginning.
It caused me not to put down, should be one enjoyable read.
"Healing' is the word I resonate with this book.
Categorized into read later shelves from mid-June 2022 onwards.
It caused me not to put down, should be one enjoyable read.
"Healing' is the word I resonate with this book.
Categorized into read later shelves from mid-June 2022 onwards.
January 28, 2013
For anyone who doesn't understand what its like to be a carer please read this book
February 13, 2017
This book would be a lifesaver to anyone who is caring for a loved one long-term. It's frank and no-nonsense about how you have to care for yourself as well. I highly recommend it.
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews