Men and Marriage: Exploring Society’s Decline without Faithful Fathers

by George Gilder

Nearly half of American men are unmarried.
The single man:

• is a spendthrift

• masturbates alone

• has a propensity to kill himself

• is a slave to his passions.

The married man:

• has more money and invests

• has more sex

• lives longer

• rules over his appetites.

Since 1973, Time Magazine's Chauvinist Pig of the Year George Gilder has been clear about the stakes for the family: without fathers our civilization sinks back into the Stone Age.

Sixty years later, the need of the hour remains: men that take responsibility for themselves, men that raise their own children, and men with insatiable economic libido.

A nation of faithful men can never be moved.

Genres: Marriage, Cultural, Nonfiction, Family, Politics, Sociology, Philosophy

360 pages, Hardcover

First published August 31, 1986

Reviews

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't feel, like some of the reviewers, like this book is dated at all, despite the fact it's a reworked book from the '70s. It deals with overarching principles of masculinity and femininity. Society as a whole truly seems to follow the patterns he lays out. In my life, i've observed how single young men struggle with the feelings of dispensibility and frustration; how single young women use their sexual superiority to build society or tear it down; how women define civilization; how men preserve and protect it when love transforms them. For women who are offended and feel his perspective too archaic, he certainly is NOT saying women don't belong in the workforce period. He merely emphasizes the disparaging role that radical feminism has played towards abolishing masculinity.
I think it had wonderful things to say about the way women dominate/manage culture and the way men's place in society is usurped by radical feminism. His observation about the sacrifices of men in the Home Front chapter is particularly astute, imo. I reread almost every chapter as I felt i couldn't grasp it all the first time around. This has been the best descriptive and prescriptive commentary on gender roles I've ever read.

[Wade Stotts]

Audiobook coming soon.

[Suzannah Rowntree · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't appreciate the author's overriding thesis, that women are naturally superior, naturally more moral, religious, unselfish, responsible, etc, than men. Gilder's claim that women are the only force inspiring men to defer their gratification and build civilisations rather than destroying them, and his evident expectation that civilisation will inevitably crumble in the absence of sexual virtue, seemed a little overstated to me. Women don't have salvific power, thank God.

[Douglas Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read an earlier form of this way back in the day (the earlier version was called Sexual Suicide). I may also have read the reissued book sometime as well, or at least I thought I had. I just now read it again for a book I am writing, and was struck by what a fertile book it is. What a good book.

[William Schrecengost · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book on the roles of men and women in society taken from biological, sociological and anthropological evidences. He argues that family is the base economic unit (which he fleshes out more in his Wealth and Poverty). Society is based on the existence and continuance of the family unit. Men must give themselves up for their wives and children and be the provider and protector of the family. Women must give themselves up to their husbands and children, being the nurturer and caregiver, being the mother and homemaker. Families are formed by the mutual self-sacrifice of the husband and wife. This is what society is built on. It's what economics is built on. It is beautiful

[Amy]

My descent from "this sounds interesting!" to "what was this doing on my to-read list?" to "oh gosh, this is horrible. At least I'll get a good one-star review out of it" to "this is trash and I refuse to read another line" took all of 47 pages.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

The negative of this book for todays reader is that this book was written as an expanded version of a book he wrote called Sexual Suicide from 1973, this book was published in 1986. To pretend people are the same today as they were 25-35 years ago is a stretch, but there are many things that never really change and that we call human nature.

What this book points out is that sexual promiscuity is the root cause on most of the downfalls in all societies. Men for the most part are providers, & protectors, the need to be those things are strong and when a women allows sexual intercourse to happen without marital commitment it is too easy for the man to remain irresponsible and in many cases become all the things that place undo drag on society.

There is a negative placed on the feminist movement in this book and shows in his opinion what it has done to females, trying to make them more like males. Gilder takes to task the liberators showing why he thinks it is wrong to mess with what he calls the sexual constitution.

There are many important issues discussed about the alliances between men and women, sex, the welfare state, biological differences etc. I came away from this book with many feelings of concern for our hedonistic culture but ultimately I know God is in control. As people remain in prideful destructive patterns of behavior it is those who have made wise choices that will sometimes suffer the consequences along with the unwise because we are often times linked through families, jobs, sports, church, or as taxpayers.

[ValeReads Kyriosity · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful exploration of what the world used to know were plain truths. Gilder whiffs it here and there, such as with his evolutionary assumptions, but overall full of astute observation, sound reasoning, common sense (not so common these days), and clear definitions and delineations (which many readers seem determined to miss). I had to skip ahead a couple of times when he got into certain topics, but that's just me finding some things hard to bear.

[Jake McAtee · Rating 5 out of 5]

“ . . . as with all entrepreneurs, the odds are against them. But all human progress . . . depends on an entrepreneurial willingness to defy the odds. It is in the nuclear family that the most crucial process of capitalist defiance and faith is centered.
“Here emerge the most indispensable acts of capital formation: the psychology of giving, saving, and sacrifice, in behalf of an unknown future, embodied in a specific child—a balky bundle of possibilities which will yield its social reward even further into time than the most foresighted business plan. In this venture, few mothers—and no societies—can succeed without enlisting the fathers.
“Marriage is the key to the connection of fathers to this central process in the creation of life and the production of wealth. The golden rule and perennial lesson of marriage is: Give and you will be given unto. It is the obvious message of motherhood. But societies thrive only to the extent that this maternal wisdom becomes as well the faith of the fathers.”

[Peter Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really great book that was prophetic in so many ways. He addresses sodomy, broken homes, divorce, poverty, women in combat, and other sexual/gender issues. His chapter on combat alone is worth the book as he sees a future (my revised version was from 1989) where women are sent to the front lines of battle. He also understands that when a pattern of monogamy breaks down women suffer. God uses marriage to women to restrain men and their barbaric tendencies. When this is removed society becomes a disaster and women pay.

I would love to see an updated version of a this book or a book like it. He cites a lot of statistics and studies. I would enjoy seeing some of the more recent studies on things like divorce, poverty, sodomy, etc. incorporated into a book with similar themes.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really good defense of traditional gender roles through the application of natural law.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Gilder explores masculinity and femininity from a sociological angle (but ultimately a Christian worldview). Some points of interest:
*He argues for segregated schools being important for the development of boys, which I found to be pretty convincing.
*Insights into the male/female difference in psychological development. It's more than psychobabble, I think there's really something to it.
*Interesting angle on why homosexuality arises in society.

I also think the book deserves a defense from accusations of having a sort of “women-are-angels-men-are-brutes” view of gender dynamics. Some of his phrases can definitely be interpreted that way ,but you've got to take them in context. I think Gilder is putting his finger on some genuine areas where women have strengths that men typically do not. We should not be surprised that when God made a helper for man, he gave her some helpful qualities.
I think where Gilder goes off is in his Darwinian framework of the whole issue. His insights on gender dynamics are accurate of the fallen world, but provide an incomplete picture. This because, we live in a world where man and woman were created in the garden in a harmonious state and are intended to return to it.

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is probably too politically incorrect to be written today, but that doesn't mean its lessons are any less timely than they were in the mid-1980s. Despite Gilder's conception of gender roles in society, his main thesis that it is the women who make civilization by taming men somehow sounds fresh.

Of course all this sounds ridiculous to radicals because all they think about is external power. They see a few old men at the helm of major institutions in society and call it a patriarchy, failing to realize that their sort of power is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. What makes civilization possible in the first place are the needs and wants of women and children. A man will only become tame and build for the future when he knows he can have a place in it with the woman he loves and the children he is assured are his. Otherwise he will do whatever he can to fulfill baser desires, lust and wanderlust, with ever growing frustration and futility. He will most likely join the ranks of radical and violent movements seeking to overturn the civilization that no longer has any need of him. The history of dying societies from the ancient Romans to the formation of groups like al Qaeda attests to what Harvey Mansfield calls "unemployed manliness," or male frustration run amok.

Much of what Gilder has to say is bound to be misinterpreted, misrepresented, and misunderstood. Of course there are exceptions to his generalizations, great big ones in fact. Wives are not to become slaves to their husbands; in fact Gilder shows they have greater power over men than they know. Gilder is no MGTOW, as he is trying to bring the sexes together, not drive them apart. Although some of his arguments regarding homosexuality are a bit dated, and he waxes a bit too poetic for my tastes near the end, his central idea makes a lot of sense.

[Christopher · Rating 3 out of 5]

All biblical Christians at baseline understand and largely follow biblical law. However, they may or may not understand why God's law is good or what happens when a society's moral ballast erodes. Enter Gilder, who has a good eye and is able to clearly show that God's law isn't (as the joke goes) "Just a good idea, it's the Law."

Importantly, I do think the modern critics of this book have a point. Gilder is not a Christian and it shows in multiple places. One of his most central, glaring errors is that he identifies "female" sexuality" as, basically, God's law and male sexuality as the opposite, a kind of dissolute, roving, rootless debauchery.* While I understand what he's getting at, this really is a category error, and it caused him to say several wacky things, especially towards the beginning of the book.

The book is sprawling, covering multiple topics with various levels of quality and worthwhileness. Many chapters were gold, many were good, when you filtered out some of the off-kilter thinking, and some were a bit dull and/or felt unnecessary. Another bonus was that, as the book is fairly old, I personally found a lot of historical interest in it too. An example would be a chapter on the collapse of sex-segregated schools, reminding me that that was something society did on purpose (for good and ill) and that it isn't a given. So all told, I'm glad to have read it, believe many people could profit from reading it, and also don't find my enthusiasm to match the general tenor of the "this was amazing!" crowd.

*Oddly, this fundamental category error is put on display in a lot of this book's promotional material. i.e. "The prime fact of life is the sexual superiority of women."

[Carter Yancey · Rating 3 out of 5]

If the hosts from the Daily Wire were to sit down and do a 5-hour podcast on sexuality and marriage, it would probably be pretty much the same as what you get out of this book. The core thesis - that sexual liberalism and the decline in marriage rates are to the detriment of our culture and civilization - is somewhat reasonably argued even if probably a bit exaggerated. Society only functions, he argues, when men are motivated to work hard and avoid frivolous and self serving violence, which they only do when they have families ("civilization is built by men with families to feed"). But men probably will not naturally tend towards building families if they can get sexual gratification without it. So the onus of saving civilization is on women to stop handing out sex so liberally.

Obviously anybody with progressive or feminist leanings is going to find this book extremely offensive in its views on the differences between men and women's sexuality. Honestly a lot of it is just common sense to anyone who has ever met either a man or a woman and is not delusional, but there are definitely some spicy takes. He argues that governments have an interest in keeping women out of the work force (since working women won't sleep with men who don't make more than them, and men without sex cause violence. At one point he literally says "the woman's place is in the home"). One chapter speculated that homosexuality arises as a defense mechanism for men who want sexual gratification but don't want to (or are afraid they're unable to) deal with the demands of women.

Other points he makes are hilariously the kinds of detached things you expect to hear from a Harvard sociologist: The idea that men mostly support the second amendment because "the gun is the emblem of a hunter" and they have a subconscious desire to preserve these traditional symbols of masculinity ("Millions of men fear gun control because ... they're losing the sense of a defined male identity"); or that the real reason men oppose abortion isn't because of "a religious superstition that feticide is murder" but because, when women have complete control over their reproductive capabilities, "a man's penis becomes an empty play thing unless a woman deliberately decides to permit his paternity" and this damages his pride in his virility.

I lost a bit of interest as the book moved on to other political topics. The chapter on welfare was good (his prediction that poverty rates among blacks would increase so long as the systematic subsidizing of single motherhood continued has proved true 4 decades later), but he seemed to only barely tie the majority of his side topics into the core thesis. Couple that with rants about quotas for women and minorities in politics, the perils of coed education, women in sports and combat, fears of human cloning (and in vitro fertilization), and other tangential topics and it becomes clear that the book really just devolves into conservative talking points around the differences between men and women. Not that I disagree with all of these, but they weren't really what I was expecting or interested in reading. Like I said, basically your typical conservative podcast, but a book.

I thought this would be a book about "hey men, this is why you should get married" but it was really a book about "hey women, this is why you shouldn't sleep with men until they marry you." Granted, as a man, these statements are functionally equivalent. Still, I would have liked a little more from the author on what he thinks men should do about all the scary things he envisions feminism doing to society. If he were right about the systematic feminizing of men, you might think he'd want to offer advice other than his instructions for women to return to the kitchen (and the implied plead to politicians to stop listening to feminists). The final chapter, "Why Men Marry" is the only part of the book that might encourage a single man to pursue marriage, and it is the shortest chapter of the whole book.

[Steve Hemmeke · Rating 4 out of 5]

A detailed and devasting critique of the sexual revolution. A fascinating and insightful look at the differences between men and women. Written in the late 70s, revised in the early 80s, Gilder questions feminist assumptions in detail. Assumptions which have settled into conventional wisdom since he wrote. Many of his assertions are shocking, now, but would have been casually received wisdom 100 years ago. He goes a bit beyond PG13 in his vivid descriptions of sex differences, which was new and interesting territory, especially psychologically and sociologically. I found his writing style gripping, though it’s a bit academic. He is a social critic who disagrees with 90% of sociologists in his thesis.

Basic thesis: If young men are not tamed by female virtue and sexuality, and brought into civilization, they become a destructive force. The only way to tame them, by the laws of nature designed by God, is for them to marry and commit to a woman and their children.

Gilder is prescient on many fronts. Here’s one:
“Rather than defending society, the young men attack it and exalt macho foreign potentates and desperadoes” (158). Read, Putin, on the right. On the left: Che Guevarra. Hamas.

Here’s a sampling of other quotes, to get you to take up and read yourselves.

"women in the home are not performing some optional role that can be more efficiently fulfilled by the welfare state. Women in the home are not 'wasting' their human resources. The role of the mother is the paramount support of civilized human society. It is essential to the socialization of both men and of children. The maternal love and nurture of small children is an asset that can be replaced, if at all, only at vastly greater cost." (210)

"Crucial to creating a civilized society is inducing girls to say no to boys. This requires strong and usually religious rationales and sanctions that differentiate by gender. Value-free sex education is a powerful invitation to premature sex (223)."

"There are no 'human beings,' just men and women... Men will do most of the production and women most of the reproduction" (227).

"To the average sexual liberal, the role of women seems so routine that it can be assumed by a few bureaucrats managing child development centers.... the duties of the home are so undemanding that they can be accomplished with part-time effort" (228).

"The woman's role is nothing less than the hub of the human community" (230).

"…the desire for male protection and support, the hope for a stable community life, and the aspiration toward a better long-term future. The success or failure of civilized society depends on how well the women can transmit these values to the men... those matters that we consider of such supreme importance that we do not ascribe a financial worth to them" (230).

"[Sexual liberals] deeply misunderstand what makes people happy. The pursuit of sexual promiscuous pleasures, which many of them offer as an alternative to the duties of family, leads chiefly to misery and despair. It is procreation that ultimately makes sex gratifying and important, and it is home and family that give resonance and meaning to life" (240).

[Brandon H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, this was a thought-provoking and deeply controversial book! The author reminded me of the prophets. I was surprised at how much of his predictions have come to pass in our society since this was written. And I'm also surprised our society hasn't stoned him yet. That's not to suggest I agree with everything he says or everything he puts forth is gospel. But I do believe he hit the bullseye on a number of important issues and it speaks to why our society in America is suffering and why dark clouds have been forming on the horizon.

On a side note, it's a shame some reviewers gave up on this book so quickly. There are some important lessons within these pages that would greatly benefit them and our society and the future generations. If only people would have an open mind to consider some view points that are different from the popular ones that are heralded from every corner of our culture 24/7 we might see real progress toward a brighter future and happier relationships.

[Caleb M. Powers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book. A few of his observations seem to place too much faith in secular anthropology, but most of his arguments here are sound, if slightly overstated at points.

[Emma Whear]

Entertaining. Educational. Changed the way I think about a few things.

Includes a few, really bad hot takes.

Most curious to hear what other Christian intellectuals would say about segregated education (for males and females).

[Kyle Grindberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really insightful.

[Thomas Carpenter · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really debated whether I’d go 3/5 or 4/5 on this one. The bulk of the book is killer, just really solid sociology of men, women, and the effects of our sexual actions. I decided to go with four because I think the good data far outweighs the bad, as I’d only give negative comment on three chapters.

My only gripe is his opening chapter (essentially the way he frames it all). Which is, in my opinion, problematic and conflicts with someone like Michael Foster, another Canon author. Men and women both need civilizing (that is, sanctification), not just men, and men don’t get it from women, rather both from God. And as Foster’s point of emphasis says, it’s good to be a man. Men are valuable of themselves to God, and they can actually find their mission and must head that direction *before* finding a woman. Mission, then marriage. For the most part, I think you can actually just ignore his framing of things and still get the data. I have a few nitpicky things, but they’re not worth anybody else’s time. Great book.

[Heather Wright · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ridiculous.

[John Rimmer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading this book reminded me of math class. It isn't enough to arrive at the right answers. You have to arrive at them the right way. If I were Mr. Gilder's math teacher I would mark most of the conclusions of his book as correct, but would fail him because the methods he uses to arrive at them are all wrong. He's correct, because he's brilliant, but he's wrong for the same reasons.

Humanistic sociology, evolutionary biology, and deterministic behaviorism somehow gets you to the same conclusions as special creation, the imago dei, and the descriptions and prescriptions of Scripture. Weird. Because most who use the former methods tend to use them specifically to depart from the latter's clear depictions of men and women.

That said, I think there are a lot of great things in this book. I enjoyed it very much. I can see its seminal influence in many books that came later. My main issue is that he cuts his own legs off by grounding everything in thin air, utilitarian arguments, or common sense. That might have been enough back when this book was first written, but such approaches have had time to go to seed in recent days and the fruit is found much wanting (the natural law pro-life movement for instance).

[Tyler Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

“The crucial process of civilization is the subordination of male sexual impulses and biology to the long-term horizons of female sexuality.” (pg. 3)

This book was not at all what I was expecting it to be, and I can say I am so grateful for that. Each chapter was thought-provoking and filled with wisdom. Gilder asserts that the crucial fact of civilization is the difference between the sexes. He explains that masculinity is not only good, but necessary for a thriving society. He details the disastrous outcomes of the sexual revolution upon the children, marriages, the military, the economy, the workplace, the welfare system, schools, and so much more.

Society needs men just as it needs families, and it cannot have good, functioning families without strong men who are sacrificial, supportive, hard-working, loving, and faithful.

I loved reading this book. I intend to re-read this book next year… hopefully. There is a lot to reflect on and take in here. It’s definitely not light reading but it is so much fun.

I strongly recommend this book. Don’t let the Canon Press logo push you away. This book will not disappoint you, I promise.

[Will Dole · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have once or twice in my life been accused of hyperbole, and at risk of that happening again, let me describe this book: Revelatory.

I didn't agree with every line, and a few parts are dated. But the crux of the argument is clear: young men will either submit themselves to the needs of female sexuality and thus to long-term productive work and family formation, or they will destroy everything around them (either through mis-directed aggressiveness, or through complacency).

It is a controversial and provocative thesis, even more so in 2023 than in 1986. Our culture can either learn the lessons of nature and Scripture, or we can reap the whirlwind. Well, we're already in the midst of the whirlwind. Books like this are a link back to sanity.

I listened to the audio version, definitely going to pick up a hard copy for future reference.

[Mark Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really importantly for today, this book is unashamed about the differences between men and women, and the necessity for those differences to be acknowledged and submitted to if civilization is to live much longer.

VT Reading Challenge 2025: A book about relationships

[Logan Thune · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anthropology and sociology on fire. A book best read by mature adults. Would recommend for pastors to read as well. Good on so many levels, with a few quirks.

[Jim Becker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good. Should have read this years ago!

[Tyler Singleton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not your average book on men.

Not your average book on marriage.

This research-backed, no-nonsense work was timely when written and unfortunately, still timely today. The issues Gilder brings up concerning men and marriage are starkly similar still. His voice on the matter is certainly not perfect, but it was and still is prophetic for the modern plight.

[Abbi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was quoted several times in another book I read, so I felt compelled to read it, also. Even though it was penned awhile ago and not written from a Christian worldview, the insights into the destruction that the feminist movement has had on manhood (and womanhood and culture, in general) were surprisingly on point. Should the author publish an update, the statistics would be staggering. As the wife of one husband and as the mother of two sons, I care deeply about how culture assaults and fails to esteem biblical manhood.