Hot, Wet, and Shaking: How I Learned To Talk About Sex

by Kaleigh Trace

Winner of the 2015 Evelyn Richardson Non-fiction Award This is a sex book. It’s a book about fucking yourself, fucking someone you love, fucking strangers. It’s about saying words like cunt and come , and all manner of perverse verbiage. Mostly, it’s about speaking honestly about our bodies and our vulnerability, recognizing we’re all imperfect, worthy, and desirable. Kaleigh Trace—disabled, queer, sex therapist—chronicles her journey from ignorance to bliss as she shamelessly discusses her sexual exploits and bodily negotiations. Trace’s memoirs and essays generously welcome the reader into her world, modelling a humour and radical self acceptance that can teach us all how to talk about sex, and then some.

Genres: Nonfiction, Disability, Feminism, Sexuality, Memoir, Queer, Canada

144 pages, Paperback

First published April 15, 2014

Reviews

[Jacob · Rating 5 out of 5]

A quick, highly entertaining read. Trace is hilarious. I appreciated her candour about her early awkward sexual experiences (which disabled or not I think many of us can relate to!), and especially about her abortion, because it's rare to find a positive representation of an abortion (and by positive I mean she had no second thoughts about having one, not that everything about the experience was positive).

Yes, the book is crass and sexually explicit. I think even reading the synopsis on the back of the book, or hell, the title, you should expect that. We need more queer disabled voices speaking loudly and whatever language works best to do that for any given individual, I say use it. Trace also goes to lengths to explain why she chooses the words she does.

My only complaint is that the book was too short. The last couple chapters felt like she was stretching to find content to fill the brief 128 pages, with the erotic story and letter to her parents feeling like filler, especially given how little time she spent talking about reactions to the letter/story or giving them context. I would have liked to hear more about Trace's relationship with her family, which is only mentioned briefly a few times.

But still I give it five stars because I couldn't put it down, and with its double entendres and gauche situations, it had me literally laughing out loud.

[Dorianne Emmerton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quick and easy to read, funny and daringly honest. This is a book I plan to give my kid when he's a teenager. Because the world will be a much better place when everyone knows, from a young age, that sex and sexuality come in a variety of forms, and all are equally valid.

[Danny Mclaren · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books I’ve read this summer, possibly all year. It’s funny, it’s sexy, it’s earnest, it makes me comfortable. Trace’s writing is conversational, but it’s also deeply emotional at times, and very powerful.

An important read for those interested in sex, queerness, and disability.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny, inspiring, and fabulously sex positive. This was a great read. It's not necessarily something I would have picked up, but I'll be reading an excerpt from the book for an upcoming event and I wanted to select the passage that really resonated with me. So glad I did. Definitely recommended.

[Luke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mostly enjoyed this book for all of its Halifax content. Reading about biking up and down the steep hills, and of Venus Envy, and the farmers market all made me miss Halifax. Also, this book is a real time capsule of 2014 vibe-wise for me !

[Chantelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up. I struggled to categorize this book in my mind - I was expecting maybe a how to book on how to apply fresh thinking to my own life but it was more anecdotal. I struggled a bit with that too since the author readily admitted that the anecdotes were made up and even her own experiences were exaggerated for effect. That being said, it was an entertaining, quick, funny read and I certainly don't regret reading it.

[Charlott · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,5

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is about sex, but it's also about whose bodies we see as "normal" and why we should challenge those views. It was amazing and I want to recommend it to everyone I know.

[Laura Sackton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this short book of personal essays about sex, disability, gender, queerness, and how we talk about sex. Trace is a queer disabled sex educator, and she shares her own journey of sexual discovery alongside an examination of the ableist, queerphobic, racist, patriarchal systems that tell us sex should look (feel, be) a certain way.

It’s a short book and not at all comprehensive or academic or even all that analytical. That’s okay! Not every book has to be. It’s fun and celebratory, informal, silly, impassioned. Trace writes about conversations she has with customers in the sex shop where she works; learning to give herself an orgasm; learning to love her disabled body; awkward and messy sexual encounters; getting an abortion; the language she uses to talk about sex, and a whole lot more. I love her expansive definition of fucking as any act that leads to erotic pleasure, as well as her acknowledgment that “fucking” isn’t a word that will resonate with everyone.

Mostly I love how fierce and unapologetic and direct this book is. It’s a celebration of bodes and desire and all the weird, messy, wonderful, challenging ways we share our bodies with each other (or not). It’s an invitation for all of us whose sexual experiences/lives/desires don’t fit into the sad, small, narrow framework that heteropatriarchy makes—to be loud, joyful, creative, free. To take up space.

[Zefyr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Trace describes an event working in a sex toy shop, when a customer says they can't orgasm, and asks for help. Trace responds by comforting them and talking through a range of suggestions, toys and books, and then:

It was as we were finishing up, while I swiped the debit card and bagged the items, that the customer asked me the most difficult of questions: So these things worked for you, right?"

I had never been asked this before. A skill you learn when working in a sex shop is to deflect attention away from yourself...the truth was that these things had not worked for me. I had not even tried to make anything work for me. I had been empoyed at Venus Envy for half a year and had been spending all of my paychecques on books. My library had certainly evolved, but my capacity to experience pleasure had remained stagnant. I had not even really been thinking about sex at all. It sounds absurd, I know, considering I was talking about it every day. But I was never talking about my sex; I was only listening to the sex stories of others. I was learning how to be a good listener, not a good lover. I had perhaps even subconsciously not been reflecting on my own sex life, disappointing as it had been. When you spend all day talking to people who are doing some sort of fucking, it can be depressing to remember that you are not...

For months now, I had been talking the practicalities of sexual satisfaction, waxing poetic on sex toys as if I knew their value. But all I was doing was regurgitating rather than speaking from any actual experience...I had simply stuffed all of my concerns haphazardly under the rug. (p37-39)

I loved how Trace reflected on her experience as a queer disabled woman trying to develop her own sexuality despite her social context interfering with that at every step. And this particular story of diving deep into studying a subject others in order to avoid actually dealing with it in herself was so strikingly relatable and insightful.

Lots of other good stuff in here. It adapts her blog posts into an organized collection, so while the whole thing works together as a book you can also approach each chapter as a standalone piece of writing.

[Sev · Rating 3 out of 5]

2 1/2 stars rounded up to 3. I liked it in some places, was not sure what to make of it in others. Then again, the author herself said she wasn't quite sure what to make of it either so I guess that's okay. It's just a bit more biographical/anecdotal than I was expecting when I spotted it at my library. On the other hand I was very pleasantly surprised to find any new LGBT books there since I'm in a small town and not the city.

[Kathy Stinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick and funny read with a serious and important underlying theme of body positivity. Given to me by my grandson after he’d read it for a university course and after greeting with great enthusiasm the update of The Bare Naked Book (by me and Melissa Cho) on a similar theme for young kids. Coincidentally I’m currently reading for CNIB another book by a disabled woman who also embraces her disability—How to Lose Everything.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read. I expected it to be a easy légère read which it was but it was so much more as well. Many times I felt like she put into words how I feel/felt and I therefore now I feel able to explain and understand my experience better.

Reading wise (not content) it reminds me alot of Untenrum frei by Mararete Stokowski. Easy to read but still very imformative - my favourit kind of book.

[Tova Cranford · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Sex is weird, and wonderful, and dirty, and awkward, and kinky, and queer, and can consensually happen between all sorts of people, anywhere, at any time of day."

"Identities are complex and incongruous, multi-faceted and impossible to circumnavigate. I want to be everything and to be seen as everything. Don’t we all?"

Fantastic read.

[Mal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very real, very funny.

[Jasmyn Cunningham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book, would definitely recommend reading it

[T Harrington]

Read this for my Queer Theory class - really liked it! Very easy, interesting and thought-provoking read... Read the whole thing in an afternoon.

[Meaghan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read as a course requirement.

I wasn’t necessarily blown away, but the subject matter remains important. Trace’s voice is uniquely her own, and she’s a good storyteller. Worth a read!

[Indira · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such an interesting read - really loved the writing and hadn't really considered the intricacies of disability, queerness and sex before reading

[Alexia]

I didn’t really get anything out of this tbh

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book. I'm happy I own a copy, I'm know some friends who are gonna wanna read this!

[Sarah O'toole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Refreshing and honest and fun to read.

[Dan Ofer · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author writes very fluently making it an enjoyable read.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really cute little book. Can read in an evening, musings on sex, sexuality and challenging dominant discourses about people with disabilities. But fun!