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Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away from Christian Patriarchy
A gripping memoir about coming of age in the stay-at-home daughter movement and the quest to piece together a future on your own terms.
Raised in the Christian patriarchy movement, Cait West was homeschooled and could only wear clothes her father deemed modest. She was five years old the first time she was told her swimsuit was too revealing, to go change. There would be no college in her future, no career. She was a stay-at-home daughter and would move out only when her father allowed her to become a wife. She was trained to serve men, and her life would never be her own.
Until she escaped.
In Rift , Cait West tells a harrowing story of chaos and control hidden beneath the facade of a happy family. Weaving together lyrical meditations on the geology of the places her family lived with her story of spiritual and emotional manipulation as a stay-at-home daughter, Cait creates a stirring portrait of one young woman’s growing awareness that she is experiencing abuse. With the ground shifting beneath her feet, Cait mustered the courage to break free from all she’d ever known and choose a future of her own making.
Rift is a story of survival. It’s also a story about what happens after you survive. With compassion and clarity, Cait explores the complex legacy of patriarchal religious trauma in her life, including the ways she has also been complicit in systems of oppression. A remarkable literary debut, Rift offers an essential personal perspective on the fraught legacy of purity culture and recent reckonings with abuse in Christian communities.
Raised in the Christian patriarchy movement, Cait West was homeschooled and could only wear clothes her father deemed modest. She was five years old the first time she was told her swimsuit was too revealing, to go change. There would be no college in her future, no career. She was a stay-at-home daughter and would move out only when her father allowed her to become a wife. She was trained to serve men, and her life would never be her own.
Until she escaped.
In Rift , Cait West tells a harrowing story of chaos and control hidden beneath the facade of a happy family. Weaving together lyrical meditations on the geology of the places her family lived with her story of spiritual and emotional manipulation as a stay-at-home daughter, Cait creates a stirring portrait of one young woman’s growing awareness that she is experiencing abuse. With the ground shifting beneath her feet, Cait mustered the courage to break free from all she’d ever known and choose a future of her own making.
Rift is a story of survival. It’s also a story about what happens after you survive. With compassion and clarity, Cait explores the complex legacy of patriarchal religious trauma in her life, including the ways she has also been complicit in systems of oppression. A remarkable literary debut, Rift offers an essential personal perspective on the fraught legacy of purity culture and recent reckonings with abuse in Christian communities.
252 pages, Hardcover
First published April 30, 2024
93 people are currently reading
5048 people want to read
About the author
Cait West
1 book60 followersCait West is a writer and editor based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Her work has been published in The Revealer, Religion Dispatches, Fourth Genre, and Hawai`i Pacific Review, among others. As an advocate and a survivor of the Christian patriarchy movement, she serves on the editorial board for Tears of Eden, a nonprofit providing resources for survivors of spiritual abuse, and cohosts the podcast Survivors Discuss.
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January 15, 2024
I've noticed a pattern when I talk to gender traditionalists and try to explain why I've changed my mind about women in the church, the home, and the world. The first response is, "But what about [insert Bible verse here, such as 1 Timothy 2:8-15 or Ephesians 5:22-24]?" I'll give an answer to that objection, but then the second response is usually something like, "But how much does this really matter anyway? Isn't this just kind of an intramural debate about academic theology?" It isn't, and books like Cait West's new memoir help show why.
In Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away From Christian Patriarchy, she shares her story of growing up in a theologically and socially conservative home where her father tried to take the notion of "male headship" as seriously as he could. He viewed it as his sacred responsibility to be the "head" of his wife and children, which he understood to mean, "Someone who takes direct and active authority over his family." He took his family to attend an Orthodox Presbyterian Church weekly, where they would hear sermons about the importance of homeschooling. He would read books by men like Doug Wilson explaining that God's plan for women was to be soft, quiet, domestic, and under the authority of either a father or a husband. As a girl, she was taught that her highest good would be to get really good at sewing, cooking, and cleaning so that some day she would be ready for the man who would take over her headship from her father.
West describes the milieu of these teachings as "Christian Patriarchy," a more right-leaning, more extreme version of mainstream Complementarianism, but one still aiming at many of the same ideals that many conservative Christians view as God's plan for men and women. So the next natural question is, "What was it like for a girl to grow up in this environment? If this was God's plan for her, did it then generally lead to her flourishing?"
Rift as a whole provides a resounding "no" to that question. I imagine that conservative Christians will be tempted to write her book off as yet another angry feminist diatribe that paints the world in black and white, where she's the faultless champion who fearlessly smashes the all-bad patriarchy. Yet, the strength of the book is the humanity with which she portrays her family, and especially her father. She is deeply critical of her upbringing and the ways her father acted toward her, and yet she also tells of the sweet memories, too. The portrait I received of him was of a man who was trying to love his daughter and raise her well, but according to a deeply misguided rubric.
Many of us who were raised in the late nineties/early aughts imbibed the teachings of purity culture, but it seems that West's father wanted to play the game on hardcore mode. He instilled in her feelings of excruciating guilt for feeling even the smallest hints of attraction to this or that boy, for dressing or acting in ways that give the barest suggestion that she might be interested. When she was finally allowed to court in her twenties, they were tightly chaperoned affairs where the only conversation allowed was about what the suitor believed about infant baptism or similar. Then her father forcibly broke off the courtship for her when he deemed her too emotionally compromised before marriage, while commanding her to repent of that.
Eventually, she came to the realization that if she was ever going to be a human—and not just the background scenery to her own life—she would need to stop asking for permission. Virtually everybody goes through some kind of breaking away from their parents when they enter adulthood, but it's an entirely different beast when you've been taught your whole life that you're essentially the property of whatever man oversees you. For her, breaking away from Christian Patriarchy was more like an escape from prison.
It is heartbreaking and terrible to hear her story. For me, it was especially challenging to read about her sojourn in Colorado because my family was shaped by many of the same voices and influences as hers during the same time. While I definitely understand why folks believe that it is "biblical" to view male-female relationships through the lens of authority-submission, and while I definitely get why it can seem like an "academic" or "intramural" debate, stories like West's make it utterly clear that it is anything but. Pastors and professors and seminarians might tussle over passages in that way, but people actually listen to the sermons you preach, and they take those home and try to live them out. If it feels academic to you, you need to read Rift and sit with it. If you're a Complementarian/Christian Patriarchalist, I beg you to sit with the life stories shaped by your doctrines. Cait West isn't the only one telling this kind of story, but she's one who is telling it with a great deal of humanity. Those who have ears, let them hear.
DISCLAIMER: I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of a fair, unbiased review.
In Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away From Christian Patriarchy, she shares her story of growing up in a theologically and socially conservative home where her father tried to take the notion of "male headship" as seriously as he could. He viewed it as his sacred responsibility to be the "head" of his wife and children, which he understood to mean, "Someone who takes direct and active authority over his family." He took his family to attend an Orthodox Presbyterian Church weekly, where they would hear sermons about the importance of homeschooling. He would read books by men like Doug Wilson explaining that God's plan for women was to be soft, quiet, domestic, and under the authority of either a father or a husband. As a girl, she was taught that her highest good would be to get really good at sewing, cooking, and cleaning so that some day she would be ready for the man who would take over her headship from her father.
West describes the milieu of these teachings as "Christian Patriarchy," a more right-leaning, more extreme version of mainstream Complementarianism, but one still aiming at many of the same ideals that many conservative Christians view as God's plan for men and women. So the next natural question is, "What was it like for a girl to grow up in this environment? If this was God's plan for her, did it then generally lead to her flourishing?"
Rift as a whole provides a resounding "no" to that question. I imagine that conservative Christians will be tempted to write her book off as yet another angry feminist diatribe that paints the world in black and white, where she's the faultless champion who fearlessly smashes the all-bad patriarchy. Yet, the strength of the book is the humanity with which she portrays her family, and especially her father. She is deeply critical of her upbringing and the ways her father acted toward her, and yet she also tells of the sweet memories, too. The portrait I received of him was of a man who was trying to love his daughter and raise her well, but according to a deeply misguided rubric.
Many of us who were raised in the late nineties/early aughts imbibed the teachings of purity culture, but it seems that West's father wanted to play the game on hardcore mode. He instilled in her feelings of excruciating guilt for feeling even the smallest hints of attraction to this or that boy, for dressing or acting in ways that give the barest suggestion that she might be interested. When she was finally allowed to court in her twenties, they were tightly chaperoned affairs where the only conversation allowed was about what the suitor believed about infant baptism or similar. Then her father forcibly broke off the courtship for her when he deemed her too emotionally compromised before marriage, while commanding her to repent of that.
Eventually, she came to the realization that if she was ever going to be a human—and not just the background scenery to her own life—she would need to stop asking for permission. Virtually everybody goes through some kind of breaking away from their parents when they enter adulthood, but it's an entirely different beast when you've been taught your whole life that you're essentially the property of whatever man oversees you. For her, breaking away from Christian Patriarchy was more like an escape from prison.
It is heartbreaking and terrible to hear her story. For me, it was especially challenging to read about her sojourn in Colorado because my family was shaped by many of the same voices and influences as hers during the same time. While I definitely understand why folks believe that it is "biblical" to view male-female relationships through the lens of authority-submission, and while I definitely get why it can seem like an "academic" or "intramural" debate, stories like West's make it utterly clear that it is anything but. Pastors and professors and seminarians might tussle over passages in that way, but people actually listen to the sermons you preach, and they take those home and try to live them out. If it feels academic to you, you need to read Rift and sit with it. If you're a Complementarian/Christian Patriarchalist, I beg you to sit with the life stories shaped by your doctrines. Cait West isn't the only one telling this kind of story, but she's one who is telling it with a great deal of humanity. Those who have ears, let them hear.
DISCLAIMER: I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of a fair, unbiased review.
December 29, 2023
I don’t usually write reviews, but this book merits one. I read this book in 2 hours, it was so well-written, engaging and captivating. For most of the book, my heart was broken over Cait’s experience, and yet, by the end, I also was cheering for her too, reading about how she escaped Christian patriarchy and regained control of her life.
This book broke my heart because Christian patriarchy - or some form of it - is alive and well at the churches I’ve worshiped at and the broader community I live in, even if nobody wants to admit it. The abusive and controlling narrative of Christian patriarchy declares that the purpose of women is to marry young, have as many kids as possible, and deny themselves a quality education or career (among other things), all under the absolute (unreasonable) control of their father. While I don’t deny that marriage and having kids are good things, they are not ultimate things, and shouldn’t be elevated and idolized above a woman having an education, career or pursuing what she wants to pursue.
This book breaks my heart for women like Cait and others who were denied opportunities and subjected to absolutely unreasonable control and horrible verbal & emotional abuse by their fathers. If you read this book, you will read plenty of examples of how Christian patriarchy misrepresented the Gospel to Cait and made her believe untrue things about herself, God and other people.
This book also broke my heart because of how the broader Church treated Cait. Not only did her family worship at churches that enabled and supported her dad raising her in Christian patriarchy, but when she later spoke up against it, she was further mistreated and harassed instead of being heard and helped compassionately. She says towards the end of the book that the line that would’ve been helpful to hear more often from the church is “That’s not right”. And to Cait and any other woman who escaped Christian patriarchy, I say, “That’s not right”. Christian patriarchy is not the Gospel and does not faithfully represent the teachings of the Bible. It’s controlling, abusive and dehumanizing.
By the end of the book, I was cheering for Cait because she details how she escaped. It was hard, challenging and costly, but wow, has she done some amazing things since then - including writing a book! I won’t spoil that part, though. :)
I encourage everyone to read this book and think hard about their response to Christian patriarchy - even if it’s manifested in small ways - in their own churches and communities today. Are you going to support and enable parents raising their daughters in an abusive, controlling, one-track-mind setting, or are you going to speak up for these women and tell them that there’s more to life than courtship, marrying young, and having tons of kids? Are you going to respond compassionately and say “That’s not right”, or will you stand by and support Christian patriarchy with your silence?
This book has 5 stars from me and I will be recommending it to everyone I know. Thank you to Cait for courageously and vulnerably telling your story.
This book broke my heart because Christian patriarchy - or some form of it - is alive and well at the churches I’ve worshiped at and the broader community I live in, even if nobody wants to admit it. The abusive and controlling narrative of Christian patriarchy declares that the purpose of women is to marry young, have as many kids as possible, and deny themselves a quality education or career (among other things), all under the absolute (unreasonable) control of their father. While I don’t deny that marriage and having kids are good things, they are not ultimate things, and shouldn’t be elevated and idolized above a woman having an education, career or pursuing what she wants to pursue.
This book breaks my heart for women like Cait and others who were denied opportunities and subjected to absolutely unreasonable control and horrible verbal & emotional abuse by their fathers. If you read this book, you will read plenty of examples of how Christian patriarchy misrepresented the Gospel to Cait and made her believe untrue things about herself, God and other people.
This book also broke my heart because of how the broader Church treated Cait. Not only did her family worship at churches that enabled and supported her dad raising her in Christian patriarchy, but when she later spoke up against it, she was further mistreated and harassed instead of being heard and helped compassionately. She says towards the end of the book that the line that would’ve been helpful to hear more often from the church is “That’s not right”. And to Cait and any other woman who escaped Christian patriarchy, I say, “That’s not right”. Christian patriarchy is not the Gospel and does not faithfully represent the teachings of the Bible. It’s controlling, abusive and dehumanizing.
By the end of the book, I was cheering for Cait because she details how she escaped. It was hard, challenging and costly, but wow, has she done some amazing things since then - including writing a book! I won’t spoil that part, though. :)
I encourage everyone to read this book and think hard about their response to Christian patriarchy - even if it’s manifested in small ways - in their own churches and communities today. Are you going to support and enable parents raising their daughters in an abusive, controlling, one-track-mind setting, or are you going to speak up for these women and tell them that there’s more to life than courtship, marrying young, and having tons of kids? Are you going to respond compassionately and say “That’s not right”, or will you stand by and support Christian patriarchy with your silence?
This book has 5 stars from me and I will be recommending it to everyone I know. Thank you to Cait for courageously and vulnerably telling your story.
May 15, 2024
Rift is a beautifully written memoir about West's experience growing up in, and growing away from, the restrictive world of her childhood. Rather than chapters, the book is divided into briefly-titled essays. A few of them are not personal essays (a collection of ad text from Patriarch magazine, a rewriting of Proverbs 31 interpreted via patriarchy, book summaries). The geological thread was a helpful image for West's story, especially how she examined the fray toward the end of the book.
I join with others in saying: that was wrong. West doesn't rub your face in the mess, nor does she kill her past self, nor does she leverage the same shame-and-blame techniques that harmed her (as I've experienced in similar memoirs). This is a memoir written from a safer and healthier place, and I can rejoice in West's growth and sorrow with her in her new challenges.
I join with others in saying: that was wrong. West doesn't rub your face in the mess, nor does she kill her past self, nor does she leverage the same shame-and-blame techniques that harmed her (as I've experienced in similar memoirs). This is a memoir written from a safer and healthier place, and I can rejoice in West's growth and sorrow with her in her new challenges.
January 25, 2024
Full disclosure, I was also a stay at home daughter in a homeschool family. Although Cait and I did not know each other at the time, our experiences are similar and we have become acquainted online as we have both become more open about our experiences with the patriarchy. I agreed to be an early ARC reader for Rift.
Cait West (a pen name) tells the story of how her family began as a pretty normal American family and her life as her authoritarian father became involved in the Christian Patriarchy movement. Her writing is beautifully poetic without becoming tedious. She communicates with incredible compassion for those who are also in her story. I won’t spoil the details, but the book follows her through her tween years as a homeschooled kid, teens as a daughter being groomed to be a good wife, and as a stay at home daughter in her twenties experiencing courtships. We get a glimpse into her mental processes as she begins to mentally break free from the emotional abuse and how she managed to escape her family home and the island they lived on for a new life of autonomy and love. The last third of the book follows her as she heals and adapts to her new life of independence. That part of the book was what impacted me the most. I’ve struggled a lot with shame for the challenges I experienced since my own escape and to see her openly share about experiencing many of the same things was helpful in a way I don’t quite have words for. It’s an excellent reminder that escaping a bad situation is the first hurdle- the challenges that follow are often even harder.
When I first found out Cait was writing this book I was terrified. I knew I needed to read it and I knew it would be intense. I was pleasantly surprised that she did a fantastic job presenting her story in a factual way that is conscientious of how triggering these stories can be. She provides a trigger warning at the beginning of the book and in spite of my own intense CPTSD from my experiences, I was never triggered by the book. It instead gave me a way to grieve in a new healthy way.
I would highly recommend Rift for anyone who wants to understand how the Christian patriarchy homeschool movement has affected the children raised in it. I would also recommend it for those that have personal experience with authoritarian patriarchy or love people who have. She gives the reader a window into what we experienced. I will be asking my husband to read it because although he knew me while I was a stay at home daughter I think her book could provide even more insight into who I am as a person.
Cait West (a pen name) tells the story of how her family began as a pretty normal American family and her life as her authoritarian father became involved in the Christian Patriarchy movement. Her writing is beautifully poetic without becoming tedious. She communicates with incredible compassion for those who are also in her story. I won’t spoil the details, but the book follows her through her tween years as a homeschooled kid, teens as a daughter being groomed to be a good wife, and as a stay at home daughter in her twenties experiencing courtships. We get a glimpse into her mental processes as she begins to mentally break free from the emotional abuse and how she managed to escape her family home and the island they lived on for a new life of autonomy and love. The last third of the book follows her as she heals and adapts to her new life of independence. That part of the book was what impacted me the most. I’ve struggled a lot with shame for the challenges I experienced since my own escape and to see her openly share about experiencing many of the same things was helpful in a way I don’t quite have words for. It’s an excellent reminder that escaping a bad situation is the first hurdle- the challenges that follow are often even harder.
When I first found out Cait was writing this book I was terrified. I knew I needed to read it and I knew it would be intense. I was pleasantly surprised that she did a fantastic job presenting her story in a factual way that is conscientious of how triggering these stories can be. She provides a trigger warning at the beginning of the book and in spite of my own intense CPTSD from my experiences, I was never triggered by the book. It instead gave me a way to grieve in a new healthy way.
I would highly recommend Rift for anyone who wants to understand how the Christian patriarchy homeschool movement has affected the children raised in it. I would also recommend it for those that have personal experience with authoritarian patriarchy or love people who have. She gives the reader a window into what we experienced. I will be asking my husband to read it because although he knew me while I was a stay at home daughter I think her book could provide even more insight into who I am as a person.
September 14, 2024
The truth is patriarchy forces conformity. It relies on hierarchy and oppression to survive. The men at the top benefit, and everyone else is left trying to get close to power. The enablers are often girls and women who unknowingly believe their safety relies on obeying the rules that a society made by men has created for them, rules of behavior and clothing, of outward appearances. We teach each other how to behave.
The biblical or Christian patriarchy movement is connected with Quiverfull teaching, homeschooling, and family-integrated worship. These beliefs were taught at my church as if they were God’s commands. So anyone who used birth control, who sent their kids to public school, or who wanted to have age-segregated Sunday school was looked down on and called sinful. Spiritual abuse was the air we breathed. Powerful men used the Bible as a tool to control our behavior, telling us they knew the only way to God.
ugh. it's hard to read this without considering all the children that are currently being indoctrinated with this toxic theology . this memoir could be read as a public service announcement indicating the dangers of isolating children from the outside world. cait west writes about how her understanding of the world included one religion and one political viewpoint. anyone who shared ideas or views that did not align with her father's beliefs was cut off. she did not attend public school; her sole reason & purpose in life was to become a submissive wife and mother. it is remarkable how considered and generous this account is given the spiritual abuse cait suffered. she somehow manages to humanize her father which is hard to understand. her father was not deeply misguided with his extreme vision; it was the point.
it was encouraging to see cait embrace agency and find a supportive community. i loved that for her.
The biblical or Christian patriarchy movement is connected with Quiverfull teaching, homeschooling, and family-integrated worship. These beliefs were taught at my church as if they were God’s commands. So anyone who used birth control, who sent their kids to public school, or who wanted to have age-segregated Sunday school was looked down on and called sinful. Spiritual abuse was the air we breathed. Powerful men used the Bible as a tool to control our behavior, telling us they knew the only way to God.
ugh. it's hard to read this without considering all the children that are currently being indoctrinated with this toxic theology . this memoir could be read as a public service announcement indicating the dangers of isolating children from the outside world. cait west writes about how her understanding of the world included one religion and one political viewpoint. anyone who shared ideas or views that did not align with her father's beliefs was cut off. she did not attend public school; her sole reason & purpose in life was to become a submissive wife and mother. it is remarkable how considered and generous this account is given the spiritual abuse cait suffered. she somehow manages to humanize her father which is hard to understand. her father was not deeply misguided with his extreme vision; it was the point.
it was encouraging to see cait embrace agency and find a supportive community. i loved that for her.
May 15, 2025
If you weren’t raised in a strict religious household, you likely have no concept of what life is like for a child who was. In this autobiography, Cait West brings the reader right into her family upbringing, and details not just the list of “not allowed” but also the mind control and thought policing that she endured as she was constantly interrogated by her father and church elders about how much faith she had and what her beliefs were.
I have tremendous empathy for the author and could feel her constant anxiety as she was repeatedly asked about what her sins were and couldn’t even journal about her dreams and desires as that would be entertaining impure thoughts.
Most of the book is about her life before she found a way out and broke ties with her controlling and abusive father. The last quarter of the book brings us into her present life and how she’s been healing through therapy and helping others.
Thank you Netgalley for giving me a free e-ARC for review consideration.
I have tremendous empathy for the author and could feel her constant anxiety as she was repeatedly asked about what her sins were and couldn’t even journal about her dreams and desires as that would be entertaining impure thoughts.
Most of the book is about her life before she found a way out and broke ties with her controlling and abusive father. The last quarter of the book brings us into her present life and how she’s been healing through therapy and helping others.
Thank you Netgalley for giving me a free e-ARC for review consideration.
June 25, 2025
2.5 stars
Cait West has an interesting story, of growing up in an evangelical family whose father ultimately converted to “Christian patriarchy,” giving himself the authority to control his wife and children’s lives even into adulthood. She was homeschooled throughout childhood and then a “stay-at-home daughter” from 18 to 24, with her father controlling her “courtships”: a chaperoned process of asking each other prewritten questions, in which she was not supposed to get emotionally invested. Finally, when her father refused her permission to court the pastor’s son (whom she was falling in love with), she took control of her own life, but was left with trauma and anxiety from religious and emotional abuse.
So that’s worthy of writing a book about, and West’s writing is professional (and also, her book is short and has line breaks everywhere, making it easy to read just a little at a time, which is the real reason I finished). But I never really connected with her telling. Likely this is because, while she renders her feelings in vivid detail, the events inspiring them are left much vaguer. Maybe she’s struggling to balance writing a memoir with maintaining privacy or maybe the book is aimed at people with experiences similar to hers, who will fill in the gaps themselves, but for me it didn’t quite work. For instance, there’s a bit where the author tells her pastor (and her boyfriend’s father) about what’s going on at home, and the pastor, who is evangelical but not into Christian patriarchy, is upset. This left me with a lot of questions, namely 1) why someone Christian-patriarchy-adjacent would be surprised by what seems to me entirely expected behavior from the kind of man who would convert to that ideology (he’s controlling and manipulative and sometimes he yells), and 2) if not everyone at West’s church is as extreme as her family, how is it that no one told her she had the right to move out at age 18? (She specifically says that no one told her this, although she also seems to have had enough media exposure to make it clear regardless.) In the end, while I believe the author’s story is true, there were a lot of gaps and generalities that in some ways left me more confused than when I started. This also made for less than compelling reading.
I was also disappointed that the memoir is not analytical in the way I initially expected, after seeing the author note in the first few pages her own complicity in patriarchy as a young person. She doesn’t dig in, though, and as it turns out she has pretty clearly just replaced “sinful nature” with “white privilege” as a reason to be reflexively guilty and self-critical. She seems to have become genuinely invested in indigenous rights and to be putting her money where her mouth is, and that’s great, but she’s still preaching rather than thinking deeply. In the end I’m not sure she’s fully deconstructed the mental pathways installed by evangelical Christianity—in part because, again, beyond her mental health struggles, she tells us very little concrete about her life after leaving her parents’ house.
Two stars is a little low for this one, but I was left thinking I should’ve read a different Christian patriarchy memoir instead. And I’ve read better books about leaving intense religious environments; see for instance Unfollow, All Who Go Do Not Return, Uncultured, and even The Exvangelicals.
Cait West has an interesting story, of growing up in an evangelical family whose father ultimately converted to “Christian patriarchy,” giving himself the authority to control his wife and children’s lives even into adulthood. She was homeschooled throughout childhood and then a “stay-at-home daughter” from 18 to 24, with her father controlling her “courtships”: a chaperoned process of asking each other prewritten questions, in which she was not supposed to get emotionally invested. Finally, when her father refused her permission to court the pastor’s son (whom she was falling in love with), she took control of her own life, but was left with trauma and anxiety from religious and emotional abuse.
So that’s worthy of writing a book about, and West’s writing is professional (and also, her book is short and has line breaks everywhere, making it easy to read just a little at a time, which is the real reason I finished). But I never really connected with her telling. Likely this is because, while she renders her feelings in vivid detail, the events inspiring them are left much vaguer. Maybe she’s struggling to balance writing a memoir with maintaining privacy or maybe the book is aimed at people with experiences similar to hers, who will fill in the gaps themselves, but for me it didn’t quite work. For instance, there’s a bit where the author tells her pastor (and her boyfriend’s father) about what’s going on at home, and the pastor, who is evangelical but not into Christian patriarchy, is upset. This left me with a lot of questions, namely 1) why someone Christian-patriarchy-adjacent would be surprised by what seems to me entirely expected behavior from the kind of man who would convert to that ideology (he’s controlling and manipulative and sometimes he yells), and 2) if not everyone at West’s church is as extreme as her family, how is it that no one told her she had the right to move out at age 18? (She specifically says that no one told her this, although she also seems to have had enough media exposure to make it clear regardless.) In the end, while I believe the author’s story is true, there were a lot of gaps and generalities that in some ways left me more confused than when I started. This also made for less than compelling reading.
I was also disappointed that the memoir is not analytical in the way I initially expected, after seeing the author note in the first few pages her own complicity in patriarchy as a young person. She doesn’t dig in, though, and as it turns out she has pretty clearly just replaced “sinful nature” with “white privilege” as a reason to be reflexively guilty and self-critical. She seems to have become genuinely invested in indigenous rights and to be putting her money where her mouth is, and that’s great, but she’s still preaching rather than thinking deeply. In the end I’m not sure she’s fully deconstructed the mental pathways installed by evangelical Christianity—in part because, again, beyond her mental health struggles, she tells us very little concrete about her life after leaving her parents’ house.
Two stars is a little low for this one, but I was left thinking I should’ve read a different Christian patriarchy memoir instead. And I’ve read better books about leaving intense religious environments; see for instance Unfollow, All Who Go Do Not Return, Uncultured, and even The Exvangelicals.
July 5, 2024
Didn't care for this one. Though I can definitely see the author suffered and was wronged by Christian patriarchy, she went too far in the other direction and got all weird with the "colonialism" crap. There was some good prose in here, but overall the writing was mediocre. Also, the narrative was a bit choppy and I wish it had flowed better.
January 14, 2024
Cait did an excellent job writing her experiences in Christian patriarchy, and with spiritual abuse. I felt like I was there. That may also be because I grew up in a Christian patriarchal homeschooling family as well. I resonated with a lot of what she said. She brought the reader in to the exasperation, confusion, and unfairness of living in a household like that and trying to please our father to no avail. Nothing was ever enough.
I highlighted many passages. I'll share one here:
"I try not to make church people a new "them," a new "other." But what they don't know about religious trauma is that the words that uplift them, inspire them, sing them to sleep, are words that pull on the strings of my memory, unraveling the scraps of experience I have so carefully tried to weave into a new reality. While they find wholeness, I am falling apart. Where they find healing, I am reminded of the wounds inflicted by men of religious authority.
When they sing to God with their faces lifted, "Goodness and mercy all my life / shall surely follow me," I am reminded of the darkest days, times when those same words were told to me by my abuser. I have been left wondering, Where was the goodness of God then?
And when they say, "I'll pray for you," they don't know how many prayers I whispered in the night, sleepless, no way to escape, no answers from heaven."
Absolutely this. It's hard not to apply the bad/good mindset, yet many truly do not understand the depth of religious trauma. Cait did a great job highlighting so many of those areas.
Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC!
I highlighted many passages. I'll share one here:
"I try not to make church people a new "them," a new "other." But what they don't know about religious trauma is that the words that uplift them, inspire them, sing them to sleep, are words that pull on the strings of my memory, unraveling the scraps of experience I have so carefully tried to weave into a new reality. While they find wholeness, I am falling apart. Where they find healing, I am reminded of the wounds inflicted by men of religious authority.
When they sing to God with their faces lifted, "Goodness and mercy all my life / shall surely follow me," I am reminded of the darkest days, times when those same words were told to me by my abuser. I have been left wondering, Where was the goodness of God then?
And when they say, "I'll pray for you," they don't know how many prayers I whispered in the night, sleepless, no way to escape, no answers from heaven."
Absolutely this. It's hard not to apply the bad/good mindset, yet many truly do not understand the depth of religious trauma. Cait did a great job highlighting so many of those areas.
Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC!
March 29, 2024
Thank you to NetGalley, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company and Cait West for the ARC of this book.
I was very excited to read Rift, as it seemed to be written in the same vein as North of Normal, Educated and Glass Castle. I love any book that exposes a a very alien type of society or way of life to me. Plus I love anything a little bit culty. This was also my first look into the Christian patriarchy movement and wow. The concept of a stay at home daughter is absolutely wild, and hearing Cait West's story was wild.
Rift is divided into two parts- West's story in the first half, and the second half she muses over her trauma and works through healing it. The first half of the book was great, however, the second half lost my interest and felt like it started dragging. A better editor could have shortened down the second section of the book which would have made it more readable.
I felt like Cait West didn't go that deeply into her story- I felt like she could have been much more descriptive of the events which took place with her father and it felt like a lot of smaller traumatic events were passed over, which could have made the story more powerful. After reading other memoirs about abusive and wild childhoods (like the ones mentioned above), it just felt like Rift lacked some depth. Now- I do not want to judge West too hard for not going deeper- because I am sure that even revisiting these events at all is re-traumatizing.
The first half of the story would have been a 4 for me, and the second half was probably a 2.5, so rounding out to a 3.
I was very excited to read Rift, as it seemed to be written in the same vein as North of Normal, Educated and Glass Castle. I love any book that exposes a a very alien type of society or way of life to me. Plus I love anything a little bit culty. This was also my first look into the Christian patriarchy movement and wow. The concept of a stay at home daughter is absolutely wild, and hearing Cait West's story was wild.
Rift is divided into two parts- West's story in the first half, and the second half she muses over her trauma and works through healing it. The first half of the book was great, however, the second half lost my interest and felt like it started dragging. A better editor could have shortened down the second section of the book which would have made it more readable.
I felt like Cait West didn't go that deeply into her story- I felt like she could have been much more descriptive of the events which took place with her father and it felt like a lot of smaller traumatic events were passed over, which could have made the story more powerful. After reading other memoirs about abusive and wild childhoods (like the ones mentioned above), it just felt like Rift lacked some depth. Now- I do not want to judge West too hard for not going deeper- because I am sure that even revisiting these events at all is re-traumatizing.
The first half of the story would have been a 4 for me, and the second half was probably a 2.5, so rounding out to a 3.
May 27, 2024
5⭐️ this memoir is a very intimate look into the realities of growing up and living in Christian (or really any sect) patriarchy. The various denominations and movements mentioned were all too familiar and it is really rare that I find a book that is relatable in such specificity. At the same time, there was so much in this book that went past the experiences I had, that make me consider again, how far reaching the damage that this belief system can be. I’m glad this book exists for me, and for others who have left, want to leave, or are leaving patriarchal religious movements.
Read
July 9, 2025Oof, this one was hard for me to read and hard for me to rate. So I'm not going to. Cait's writing is beautiful. I could relate to aspects of her story. I don't agree with all of her conclusions. When will we (conservative Christianity) stop thinking love is control? And when will we see control is rooted in fear or selfishness which are both the antithesis of love?
April 2, 2024
I love a good memoir, and I had a hard time putting this one down! West grew up in a strict Orthodox Presbyterian home, led by her father, who adhered to the Christian patriarchy movement. Every decision was dictated by her father, as he was the head of the household. West and her siblings were home-schooled, with most details of their lives (clothing, mannerisms, hobbies, etc.) stringently controlled. West grew up knowing that her main goal in life was to get married and bear children, and that she would live as a stay-at-home daughter until she was courted by a “Biblical” man vetted by her father.
The first half to two-thirds of the memoir depicted West’s childhood, teen, and young adult years. Her narrative was incredibly riveting and full of rich descriptions of the places she and her family lived, as well as their home life. She particularly excelled in showing how gradual and insidious the emotional abuse and religious trauma she endured became as she grew up.
The rest of the book depicted how she escaped her strict family and what her life is like now. This section really drove home the enduring effects of the emotional and religious trauma she endured: PTSD, OCD, anxiety and panic attacks. And yet this was done in a thoughtful way that was not triggering and full of care and compassion not only for herself, but for others who experienced similar upbringings.
With the ever increasing influence of fundamentalist Christianity in US politics, especially for this upcoming election cycle, I highly recommend reading this amazing memoir to get a necessary glimpse into how Christian patriarchy infringes on the rights of women and children, disallowing them their agency and personhood.
Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the digital ARC of this book. All opinions expressed are my own.
The first half to two-thirds of the memoir depicted West’s childhood, teen, and young adult years. Her narrative was incredibly riveting and full of rich descriptions of the places she and her family lived, as well as their home life. She particularly excelled in showing how gradual and insidious the emotional abuse and religious trauma she endured became as she grew up.
The rest of the book depicted how she escaped her strict family and what her life is like now. This section really drove home the enduring effects of the emotional and religious trauma she endured: PTSD, OCD, anxiety and panic attacks. And yet this was done in a thoughtful way that was not triggering and full of care and compassion not only for herself, but for others who experienced similar upbringings.
With the ever increasing influence of fundamentalist Christianity in US politics, especially for this upcoming election cycle, I highly recommend reading this amazing memoir to get a necessary glimpse into how Christian patriarchy infringes on the rights of women and children, disallowing them their agency and personhood.
Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the digital ARC of this book. All opinions expressed are my own.
June 21, 2024
I have no coherent words to describe my reaction after completing this book. It will take me a while to process this read, and possibly a second read, and likely with a paper book. Christian Patriarchy ripples out in circles, beginning with the extreme version West experience, with groups like Vision Forum and men like Doug Wilson. The "softer" versions are a few circles removed from that centre, and the more I hear the stories of women and men who lived in the centre, the more I see that my family was not that far removed from that centre ourselves. It's a sobering feeling thinking my own children experience anything West did.
West's honesty and eloquence make this a compelling read. I listened on Audible, finishing in three days. I couldn't stop listening. Even though I knew she got out, I still was on the edge of my seat, waiting for that moment when she would escape. It's unfortunate that her father, her abuser, does not seem to ever taken ownership of the damage done.
Christian Patriarchy ruins the faith for those who believe in Christianity but want to see it shed the colonialism and patriarchy that still runs rampant. I completely understand why West wants nothing to do with going to church. When there are still patriarchal Christian groups (who have also recently combined this with a frightening element of Christian Nationalism) it's inevitable that there will be more stories like West's.
West's honesty and eloquence make this a compelling read. I listened on Audible, finishing in three days. I couldn't stop listening. Even though I knew she got out, I still was on the edge of my seat, waiting for that moment when she would escape. It's unfortunate that her father, her abuser, does not seem to ever taken ownership of the damage done.
Christian Patriarchy ruins the faith for those who believe in Christianity but want to see it shed the colonialism and patriarchy that still runs rampant. I completely understand why West wants nothing to do with going to church. When there are still patriarchal Christian groups (who have also recently combined this with a frightening element of Christian Nationalism) it's inevitable that there will be more stories like West's.
August 25, 2024
I believe this book is a very important glimpse into the dangers and pain of growing up in a hyper-Christian subculture. Unfortunately, it was not fleshed out into a compelling read and the author often meanders into side subjects that make the book feel disjointed.
February 18, 2024
A heartbreaking and empowering story of Cait West’s life and ultimately freedom from Christian patriarchy. West’s story takes us from her birth to present day, sharing her courageous story of leaving and thriving outside of harmful religious ideology.
West was a part of a specific trend within Christian patriarchy known as the the stay-at-home-daughter’s movement. She explains, “In the case of Christian (or biblical) patriarchy, the cult leader is each family’s father, deemed prophet, priest, and king of the household—a Christ figure.” Quite simply, West was expected to stay at home, serve her father, and wait until he arranged her marriage. Higher education, formal employment, or dating on her own were out of the question.
Rift will appeal to readers who escaped a similar lifestyle as West, and those, like me, who can relate to other less extreme expressions of Christian patriarchy. The style of her memoir reminds me of bestsellers like Educated, although some may find West’s story not as radical as other memoirs. Discussion of land rifts thread throughout the book, which naturalists and the geology-minded may appreciate more than I did.
“I’m reminded how painful it was to be squeezed into such a small world of existence, to have every part of my being managed and altered and controlled, and one day it finally hits me: I was in a…cult.”
The trauma West suffered and the resilience she demonstrates is inspiring. Some readers may be hesitant to read this because West has left organized religion. However, I feel nothing but empathy and understanding for her. If we had the same experiences she had, when God and faith become so entangled with subordination and abuse, we may have done the same. West’s courage will inspire all of us to live a more authentic faith and life.
4.5 stars. Thank you to NetGalley and Eerdmans for an early review copy of this book.
West was a part of a specific trend within Christian patriarchy known as the the stay-at-home-daughter’s movement. She explains, “In the case of Christian (or biblical) patriarchy, the cult leader is each family’s father, deemed prophet, priest, and king of the household—a Christ figure.” Quite simply, West was expected to stay at home, serve her father, and wait until he arranged her marriage. Higher education, formal employment, or dating on her own were out of the question.
Rift will appeal to readers who escaped a similar lifestyle as West, and those, like me, who can relate to other less extreme expressions of Christian patriarchy. The style of her memoir reminds me of bestsellers like Educated, although some may find West’s story not as radical as other memoirs. Discussion of land rifts thread throughout the book, which naturalists and the geology-minded may appreciate more than I did.
“I’m reminded how painful it was to be squeezed into such a small world of existence, to have every part of my being managed and altered and controlled, and one day it finally hits me: I was in a…cult.”
The trauma West suffered and the resilience she demonstrates is inspiring. Some readers may be hesitant to read this because West has left organized religion. However, I feel nothing but empathy and understanding for her. If we had the same experiences she had, when God and faith become so entangled with subordination and abuse, we may have done the same. West’s courage will inspire all of us to live a more authentic faith and life.
4.5 stars. Thank you to NetGalley and Eerdmans for an early review copy of this book.
July 13, 2025
Contemplative memoir of growing up in a fundamentalist Reformed Protestant Christian family who strongly adhered to principles of domineering patriarchy, purity culture, homeschooling as religious conviction, discouragement of the pursuit of higher education, and, especially, the stay-at-home-daughter movement.
What shall I say? I just want to grieve. I believe her story. I believe every word. I believe the damage her upbringing caused her—the silencing, the PTSD, the loss of personhood, the OCD, the suicidal thoughts, disassociations, the spiritual trauma, the view of a god who was there but not there.
I know what she’s talking about. Colored by a different denomination, but with the same principles, I personally know all too much about the stay-at-home-daughter movement and all those damaging teachings. And so I’m giving myself the space to sit with this story for awhile. Sigh. I also know that I am freshly grateful that I had a gentle-hearted, non-domineering father whose friendship I miss every day since he passed away.
What shall I say? I just want to grieve. I believe her story. I believe every word. I believe the damage her upbringing caused her—the silencing, the PTSD, the loss of personhood, the OCD, the suicidal thoughts, disassociations, the spiritual trauma, the view of a god who was there but not there.
I know what she’s talking about. Colored by a different denomination, but with the same principles, I personally know all too much about the stay-at-home-daughter movement and all those damaging teachings. And so I’m giving myself the space to sit with this story for awhile. Sigh. I also know that I am freshly grateful that I had a gentle-hearted, non-domineering father whose friendship I miss every day since he passed away.
August 6, 2025
Not a fan of her writing style, btw.
She had a strict religious childhood, in some regards, (some stuff she was able to do didn’t really go with a truly strict upbringing such as watching true crime shows and going swimming).
She wasn’t neglected, or beaten, or molested, or starved, (and I know those aren’t the only forms of abuse one can suffer).
She did have a controlling father who followed a patriarchal Christian worldview, clipping his daughter’s wings and ultimately hardening her heart against him and all he believed. This is abuse too. And it’s heartbreaking. Coming from someone who misconstrues it as love. 😢
Baby and bath water, however.
I do think her parents loved her and wanted good for her. Her father’s hard lines, with no grays, pushed his children away.
Generational traumas.
Understanding, forgiveness, release would go a long way here.
IMHO, living a life in juxtaposition of someone else is not fully living your own one precious life.
Also, white evangelicals do not have a monopoly on abuse.
Lastly, what’s so awful about shopping at GoodWill? Love that place!
She had a strict religious childhood, in some regards, (some stuff she was able to do didn’t really go with a truly strict upbringing such as watching true crime shows and going swimming).
She wasn’t neglected, or beaten, or molested, or starved, (and I know those aren’t the only forms of abuse one can suffer).
She did have a controlling father who followed a patriarchal Christian worldview, clipping his daughter’s wings and ultimately hardening her heart against him and all he believed. This is abuse too. And it’s heartbreaking. Coming from someone who misconstrues it as love. 😢
Baby and bath water, however.
I do think her parents loved her and wanted good for her. Her father’s hard lines, with no grays, pushed his children away.
Generational traumas.
Understanding, forgiveness, release would go a long way here.
IMHO, living a life in juxtaposition of someone else is not fully living your own one precious life.
Also, white evangelicals do not have a monopoly on abuse.
Lastly, what’s so awful about shopping at GoodWill? Love that place!
November 4, 2024
To those whose lives interest and intertwine with victims of spiritual abuse, especially the gendered spiritual abuse of Patriarchy, this is a must read. (I also recommend A Well Trained Wife).
April 29, 2024
Whew. What. A. Story. And also, what a gifted storyteller the rest of us get to swallow.
April 15, 2024
Riveting and completely gorgeous. I couldn’t put it down.
December 6, 2024
Who am I to judge this woman's lived experience? Kudos to her for escaping, and pushing through the PTSD to survive, thrive and write about her story- and help others.
Unfortunately, the real world is not too far off from Christian Patriarchy- and while some of us (women) may not grow up in strict households - the effects of Patriarchy are felt and affect us all.
In the story, she expresses the patriarchal rule that women must be dependent, small, and weak for men to be in control. As such, we were raised to be quiet, small, and not too smart and to look to men for decisions.
Her story is not necessarily what I expected, and I admittedly expected more physical and sexual abuse, whereas this trauma (not justifying or neglecting its damage) is mental and emotional. I wouldn't say this story was 'riveting' or 'gripping', it was a slow page-turner for me. While I am happy Cait found love, survived, and can help others - I was somewhat disappointed that she was still 'saved by a man'. Without David, would she have left? While she thought about leaving- there was not a sense of urgency- esp since (at least how it was conveyed) she was ready- but then oh- she met David- must stay? Didn't seem like she knew him enough to convince her to stay or her urge to leave hadn't been that great- but this is her story.
Unfortunately, the real world is not too far off from Christian Patriarchy- and while some of us (women) may not grow up in strict households - the effects of Patriarchy are felt and affect us all.
In the story, she expresses the patriarchal rule that women must be dependent, small, and weak for men to be in control. As such, we were raised to be quiet, small, and not too smart and to look to men for decisions.
Her story is not necessarily what I expected, and I admittedly expected more physical and sexual abuse, whereas this trauma (not justifying or neglecting its damage) is mental and emotional. I wouldn't say this story was 'riveting' or 'gripping', it was a slow page-turner for me. While I am happy Cait found love, survived, and can help others - I was somewhat disappointed that she was still 'saved by a man'. Without David, would she have left? While she thought about leaving- there was not a sense of urgency- esp since (at least how it was conveyed) she was ready- but then oh- she met David- must stay? Didn't seem like she knew him enough to convince her to stay or her urge to leave hadn't been that great- but this is her story.
September 19, 2024
Agree 100% with the themes in this book related to Christian patriarchy and support the author’s quest for escape, independence and renewed purpose. However, I could not endure the writing style. This memoir felt more like a disjointed journal entry than a nuanced memoir.
April 2, 2025
Devastating and infuriating. It's clear from the way West tells her story that she had to go through a LOT of healing to write it, and she has so much empathy to offer others who've been through the same things. Very much appreciated her gentle storytelling style despite the difficult subject matter; the vignette style helped keep things a bit more manageable, though it still is a heavy, heavy read. I wish I could say I was shocked by the ways she was treated and the influences she was exposed to, but unfortunately it's the same story with many of the same prominent evangelical figures yet again. Again, though, West's perspective as someone who's gone through a long and unique healing journey makes her telling of the story much needed.
My perspective on a lot of things may be different than West's, but I have so much respect for her after reading this. She's come back from so much.
Trigger advisory: spiritual, emotional, and psychological abuse; light discussions of sexual trauma (not graphic); mental health struggles (suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, and OCD); light discussions of abortion, birth control, and infertility
My perspective on a lot of things may be different than West's, but I have so much respect for her after reading this. She's come back from so much.
Trigger advisory: spiritual, emotional, and psychological abuse; light discussions of sexual trauma (not graphic); mental health struggles (suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, and OCD); light discussions of abortion, birth control, and infertility
July 12, 2024
I have been reading a lot of these memoirs....I liked West's because she seemed to just grow up in what would be considered a fairly normal evangelical family that participated in church life.....it was nice to see someone work out how evil and traumatizing it is even when it seems like a good/normal church. Evangelical churches worship marriage and family. That's their god. Women are the ones being sacrificed on the altar -....our entire childhood was focussed on modesty ...virginity.....never masturbating...and before we even knew what sex was we listened to so many sermons about marriage and family.....christians were constantly coming up with new ideas on how to convince women to be sexual with their husbands even if they didn't want to be- it gives me hope to see these women break free. I hope men start writing these memoirs too!
December 21, 2024
Beautifully written. Cait makes an honest attempt to tell the truth. Not forgetting the good in the midst of grief and not hiding the ugliness of the truth in an attempt to be kind. She probably doesn't do it perfectly, but if that is your main takeaway after reading her story, then perhaps you missed the point and value of stepping into someone's personal experience.
May 1, 2024
In her stunning memoir, Cait West explores the brutal memories of her upbringing with grace and fortitude.
Three specific locations are highlighted as integral to her formation: Colorado, Hawaii, and Michigan. Cait crafts stunning scenes with every word, detail, and attention given to the ways places burrow into our psyches—-contribute to our wounding or our wholeness.
Cait writes, “I’d moved too many times to feel like I belonged in any one place. Delaware to Pennsylvania to Colorado to Hawai’i. The land was always shifting under me, and I was forever trying to balance. I was always looking for belonging.“
—-
Raised within a strict, homeschooling, patriarchal family, Cait watched the years slip by as more and more of her personal freedoms were stripped away. Her actions were controlled by her father, from the clothes she wore, to the education she received, to the men she was (or was not) allowed to court and marry.
This story is gutting in its illumination of the horrors of patriarchy and high control religion. It’s also empowering as we read of Cait’s escape, follow along in the aftermath of abuse and starting over again “in the real world.”
She writes, “I was taught not to trust myself: my heart, my emotions, my thoughts. I hadn’t been given the tools to discern things for myself. I’d been trained to be dependent, unthinking. I did not know what to do with my anxiety, my suicidal thoughts. Repenting of them hadn’t been enough to make me healthy. But as I got out, I learned that I didn’t have to struggle alone to find my way forward. I found people who loved me, supported me…I learned to listen to my intuition, hear my own voice. I learned from my mistakes, knowing that the new community I was finding would keep me steady.”
I give this book all the stars I can offer and recommend it to every reader who has endured the great grief of leaving certainty behind, learning how to trust the self, creating new homes in unfamiliar places, and beginning the brave work of healing.
Three specific locations are highlighted as integral to her formation: Colorado, Hawaii, and Michigan. Cait crafts stunning scenes with every word, detail, and attention given to the ways places burrow into our psyches—-contribute to our wounding or our wholeness.
Cait writes, “I’d moved too many times to feel like I belonged in any one place. Delaware to Pennsylvania to Colorado to Hawai’i. The land was always shifting under me, and I was forever trying to balance. I was always looking for belonging.“
—-
Raised within a strict, homeschooling, patriarchal family, Cait watched the years slip by as more and more of her personal freedoms were stripped away. Her actions were controlled by her father, from the clothes she wore, to the education she received, to the men she was (or was not) allowed to court and marry.
This story is gutting in its illumination of the horrors of patriarchy and high control religion. It’s also empowering as we read of Cait’s escape, follow along in the aftermath of abuse and starting over again “in the real world.”
She writes, “I was taught not to trust myself: my heart, my emotions, my thoughts. I hadn’t been given the tools to discern things for myself. I’d been trained to be dependent, unthinking. I did not know what to do with my anxiety, my suicidal thoughts. Repenting of them hadn’t been enough to make me healthy. But as I got out, I learned that I didn’t have to struggle alone to find my way forward. I found people who loved me, supported me…I learned to listen to my intuition, hear my own voice. I learned from my mistakes, knowing that the new community I was finding would keep me steady.”
I give this book all the stars I can offer and recommend it to every reader who has endured the great grief of leaving certainty behind, learning how to trust the self, creating new homes in unfamiliar places, and beginning the brave work of healing.
February 10, 2025
4 stars because, although at times it dragged a little, I get behind her objectives with this book. I resonate and felt validated by her experience in the Christian Patriarchy movement. I think she was actually a little soft in her descriptions of the types of emotional and mental abuse that was occurring within that movement. I found myself wanting some more history and journalistic accounts of others' experiences. For example, one of the main things that was happening was rampant, "God ordained" physical abuse of children and neglect of education. But: I get that it was a memoir so she didn't end up expanding into all that.
Anyone interested in knowing more history on this subculture, the documentary Shiny Happy People (about the Duggars) is good for that.
Anyone interested in knowing more history on this subculture, the documentary Shiny Happy People (about the Duggars) is good for that.
March 24, 2024
Rift by Cait West is a powerful true story of a woman raised deep in the grips of Christian patriarchy who found a way to escape.
Starting with the imagery of the land under our feet growing and evolving over time (a seemingly subtle yet impactful dig at the YEC vs evolution fight that so many of us raised in fundamentalism have learned so very well), Cait West brilliantly uses this as a metaphor for her evolution from reformed stay-at-home daughter to the fierce feminist she is today.
With a compelling and easy-to-read style, she takes the reader on a journey through her life and the journey her family went on as her father began to learn more about patriarchy and complementarianism and took a firm stance as the head of his household, dictating the limitations of his wife and each of his children.
Cait’s world was small and isolated, as she depended upon her father for any glimpse of the outside world, friendships, and even suitors. Not allowed to date or choose her husband, Cait describes a pattern in which her father would dangle a potential husband in front of her - and all the promises of new life and freedom that might come for her with marriage - only to toss it away and keep her at home even longer.
Eventually, Cait begins to wake up to the abuse she was experiencing. She describes the toll it took on her physical and mental health and how she fought with her father for the freedom and agency she knew she deserved.
As a survivor of abuse and high control religion, I saw my own story in Cait’s in so many ways. It left me feeling seen and validated. And to see the woman Cait has fought so hard to become today also feels encouraging. I believe other survivors will feel the same.
I also think this book is a great resource for those who want to better understand what Christian fundamentalism is and the harmful impact it can have on the kids raised in these kinds of systems.
The more we know, the more we can change both ourself and the harmful institutions that perpetuate these toxic belief systems.
Starting with the imagery of the land under our feet growing and evolving over time (a seemingly subtle yet impactful dig at the YEC vs evolution fight that so many of us raised in fundamentalism have learned so very well), Cait West brilliantly uses this as a metaphor for her evolution from reformed stay-at-home daughter to the fierce feminist she is today.
With a compelling and easy-to-read style, she takes the reader on a journey through her life and the journey her family went on as her father began to learn more about patriarchy and complementarianism and took a firm stance as the head of his household, dictating the limitations of his wife and each of his children.
Cait’s world was small and isolated, as she depended upon her father for any glimpse of the outside world, friendships, and even suitors. Not allowed to date or choose her husband, Cait describes a pattern in which her father would dangle a potential husband in front of her - and all the promises of new life and freedom that might come for her with marriage - only to toss it away and keep her at home even longer.
Eventually, Cait begins to wake up to the abuse she was experiencing. She describes the toll it took on her physical and mental health and how she fought with her father for the freedom and agency she knew she deserved.
As a survivor of abuse and high control religion, I saw my own story in Cait’s in so many ways. It left me feeling seen and validated. And to see the woman Cait has fought so hard to become today also feels encouraging. I believe other survivors will feel the same.
I also think this book is a great resource for those who want to better understand what Christian fundamentalism is and the harmful impact it can have on the kids raised in these kinds of systems.
The more we know, the more we can change both ourself and the harmful institutions that perpetuate these toxic belief systems.
June 20, 2024
Wow! If you want an inside look at the very real damage that Christian patriarchy can and continues to do to men and women who are caught up in it, this is the book to read. I applaud the author for her courage in exposing this very toxic understanding and perspective taught and practiced in many Christian churches today.
I clearly recall being taught this as the Biblical model for Christian families when I attended Bible college in the ‘70s. Christian patriarchy in the church and family was the unquestioned truth among conservative and evangelical Christians back then.
Purity culture and teachings were also becoming very popular and directed at youth in churches and para-church organizations like Campus Crusade, Youth for Christ, and many others. All of these teachings along with the dire warnings of consequences to those who did not adhere to them were quickly becoming normative among conservative Christian churches and youth serving organizations. I know, because I not only tried to be an adherent, I also promoted them during my early years in Christian leadership. Sadly, it messed me up big in ways I have only recently been coming to understand and am beginning to recover from.
I had a hard time putting this book down and read it In it’s entirety in just over two days—it would have been sooner, but I am a slow reader and try to squeeze in a few minutes of reading whenever possible.
I highly recommend reading this since it seems like many of the more conservative churches and denominations—such as my own Christian Reformed Church—are attempting to move back to a more patriarchal view of what Christian families and churches should look like.
I clearly recall being taught this as the Biblical model for Christian families when I attended Bible college in the ‘70s. Christian patriarchy in the church and family was the unquestioned truth among conservative and evangelical Christians back then.
Purity culture and teachings were also becoming very popular and directed at youth in churches and para-church organizations like Campus Crusade, Youth for Christ, and many others. All of these teachings along with the dire warnings of consequences to those who did not adhere to them were quickly becoming normative among conservative Christian churches and youth serving organizations. I know, because I not only tried to be an adherent, I also promoted them during my early years in Christian leadership. Sadly, it messed me up big in ways I have only recently been coming to understand and am beginning to recover from.
I had a hard time putting this book down and read it In it’s entirety in just over two days—it would have been sooner, but I am a slow reader and try to squeeze in a few minutes of reading whenever possible.
I highly recommend reading this since it seems like many of the more conservative churches and denominations—such as my own Christian Reformed Church—are attempting to move back to a more patriarchal view of what Christian families and churches should look like.
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