The Epidemic: Raising Secure, Loving, Happy, and Responsible Children in an Era of Absentee and Permissive Parenting

by Robert Shaw

A call for parents to take responsibility for their children and give them what they truly need in order to grow, thrive, and love.

Take a good look around you: you can't go into stores or restaurants without seeing joyless children screaming and sulking while their parents ignore them. According to esteemed child psychiatrist Robert Shaw, this epidemic has become so much the norm that we often don't recognize its warning signs. This bold and timely book tells you how to save your child and your family—with a commonsense approach that cuts to the core of the problem and shows us the cure. The Epidemic covers:

Developing your child's ability to love Managing child care and minimizing the damage Raising cooperative, joyful, and creative children Promoting self-esteem and confidence rather than self-centeredness Avoiding the harmful effects of electronic media Healing angry, contemptuous, withdrawn, and out-of-control children

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Education, Science

274 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2003

Reviews

[Donald · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent if slightly dour account of how the American middle and upper middle classes have raised a generation of self indulgent, whining, sullen, rude and self absorbed brats.

I went to an election campaign house party recently in California and witnessed precisely what the author was describing: a house filled with the staggeringly poorly behaved children from two to 15 years old of parents ranging in age from 30 something to late boomer generation. There was no misbehavior that was dealt with directly. The kids ruled the roost, every whim indulged, every demonstration of selfishness or lack of courtesy indulged as budding genius or artistry. No disappointment or delay of gratification allowed. Step over people, on people on the way to the ice cream, no problem. Interrupt conversations to demand some sort of treat or attention without so much as pretending to say excuse me. Teen aged children unable to greet adults or feign the slightest interest in conversation. Not a thank you to be heard anywhere.

You don't have to beat your kids and god knows its terrifically difficult to raise children in the age of the internet, cell phones and 24 cable television rot. It takes a much greater effort than it did even ten years ago given the onslaught of mindless media and the compulsion to consume crap that we are indoctrinated with. But to parents the author essentially says "to bad". "This is what you signed up for. No, you can't have everything. If you want kids you commit to make sacrifices in order to have the joy and daily pleasure of a loving, healthy family. And by the way you should be teaching your kids, lovingly and consistently, as early as infancy that they must make sacrifices too. The world and their household is not theirs alone".

Its a very well articulated message and contrary to some of the folks commenting on here, the author does indeed have very specific recommendations. The tone of the book is meant to sound a very necessary alarm, and one which I'm sure a lot of parents don't want to hear.

[Whit · Rating 1 out of 5]

Finally gave up and tossed this in the donate box. The goal is good, and I support it. We want to raise children to be a certain kind of adult: respectful, empathetic, self-aware, intelligent, etc. The idea behind this book is a manual on how to do that. But it reads like a scorn showing any weakness in parenting. The message I took away was "When your kid is flying a kite on the beach, and you tell her its time to go home and she keeps flying the kite, if you don't follow through in that exact moment she will be a sociopath." Extreme? YES.

I am sick of fear-factor parenting. Articles and books that are leading great parents to mistrust their gut instincts are unproductive. Should your kids run your life and your house? NO. Is it acceptable for them to watch TV? YES. Not all day everyday, but TV is not going to make your kid a school shooter.

ALSO, I had to skip the entire chapter that basically said mothers shouldn't work when their kids are small. Because the mother has a special bond with the child that no other caregiver, not even the father, can fill in. Bullshit.

Mind you, the underlying point behind this book is good, and the reason I bought it. We should be prioritizing family in our culture, and respectful, quality, meaningful family interactions. Every family does that differently, however, so writing a how-to book is hard. Yes we should put down our phones more, yes we should be outside running around together more. But no, I don't want to be afraid to respond to a text message because that might be the thing that leads my 5-year old to heroin.

[Legacy Dad · Rating 5 out of 5]

Next to Grace Based Parenting, this is one of the best parenting books I’ve read in the past 5 years. Shaw points out the failures in many of popular, modern parenting fads and further examines that many of the problems children face today are results of their parental environment.

Shaw starts from birth and illustrates how parenting style, life choices and the ways of bonding with children not only effect temperament, learning and psychological disorders but also affects their empathy and productiveness as adults later in life.

Shaw further evidences why many parenting styles are producing children who are cognitively and educationally advanced but psychological and empathetically disabled. He illustrates this by highlighting recent high school shootings, hazing and bullying that seems prevalent and common in American High Schools of late.

What you will learn from this book is what is clearly the problem and possible solutions that are not rigid but open enough for any parent to adopt and utilize in their current parenting style. The combination of empathy, boundaries, independence and firmness with children will ultimately lead to children who are productive, well-adjusted and peaceful.

[Kristina Parčetić-Cigić · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is aimed toward the American society, which is far more influenced by this type of raising children than is the case in my country (Serbia). However, this trend of permissive parenting is slowly but surely gaining a foothold here as well. I have two girls, one is 4 and a half and the other is only four months old. The authors of this book have given me the strength and reassurance to be more decisive in parenting, to set clearer boundaries and become more authorative. I wholeheartedly recommend it to all parents.

[Shauna · Rating 2 out of 5]

My family doctor recommended this book to my husband and I at our child's first doctor appointment. The introduction and first two chapters are all doom and gloom. After that, the writing is interspersed with parenting advice on how you can raise your children right to avoid them becoming empathy-less serial killers. I will probably finish it at some point. But I'm finding my own way of raising my child, and I seem to prefer advice from my friends and family, not from strangers in a book.

[Cassandra McCall · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, and feel I have have a few more items for my parenting tool bet. It is a good read for anyone with kids who does not want them to be assholes.

[Wendy Copley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that changed the way we viewed parenting and very much helped change the behaviors of our mildly autistic son. We have given several copies away to friends, it's that important!

[Brenda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this books simply because it was recommended and available on my digital library. Surprisingly, it was very good. The gist of doctor's theory on raising kids is that they need 1) strong attachment to mother or consistent caregiver, 2) discipline, and 3) moral teaching. He argues that too many parents give little thought about how babies and small children need to feel attached to their families when deciding how much the parents should be with them in their early years, as in the mom should take more time off of work. He makes a convincing arguments that if parents fail to do their job, the children will grow up to be apathetic to other's feelings, despondent, and disrespectful. He states that school shootings and trouble in schools will increase if our culture of dismissive parenting continues. He wrote the book 15 years ago, and it turns out he is correct.

When I completed this book, I started to read "The Spider Network: How a Math Genius and a Gang of Scheming Bankers Pulled Off One of the Greatest Scams in History" about how a group of bankers manipulated LIBOR to benefit them at the expense of those of use who have loans with banks and credit cards. I didn't finish that book because it was too tedious, but it was an interesting start after reading The Epidemic. The Math Genius who drove the manipulation of LIBOR was exactly the type of problem child Dr. Shaw described. The genius had little love from his mom, who worked tirelessly for her own career in politics. He had no moral training in church or otherwise and lacked discipline at home. The result was he was completely apathetic about the financial loss he made for others because in his mind "Everyone did it." Complete apathy.

[Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is geared toward parents with younger kids, though it does talk about teenagers to some extent, it mostly discusses things parents should be doing when their kids are babies, toddlers and preschoolers so they don't turn into terrible kids. Lots of good info, but nothing I felt was new or eye-opening.

A couple of good quotes:
"Despite the good intentions of their parents, many children today are inadvertently being raised to take and never give back, to accumulate but never share, to own but never value."

"When life with your child ceases to be fun and pleasant, something is wrong with the way your family is functioning."

Overall, I'd recommend this book to parents with young kids and babies.

[Kelly Hazel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book pretty informative thought it would have been a lot more beneficial had I found it when my child was younger. (He's 9 years) I liked the perspective, and I could have used a few more books telling me to be confident in my own intuitions. I actually spent the first few years of motherhood thinking I had no maternal instinct....

The author did take on a preachy tone at times, and if I had been a mother who was unable to stay at home with her child, I might have gotten frustrated and put it down before reaching the parts where he gets around to viable options for working parents and letting them know it's not the end of the world if you work outside the home. I did, in fact, work for some of my child's earlier years.

[Ray · Rating 1 out of 5]

Shaw talks about joyless, sulking children...but he ended up writing a joyless, sulking book. It's 90% griping, 10% advice. We get it: society's messed up, parents are tired/lazy/incompetent, mass media is powerful. The book could stand to offer more suggestions. Ultimately it was a chore to read.

John Rosemond's New Parenting Power rang far truer to me in this genre. It had effectively the same message with far less browbeating, a far more positive message, and was fun to read -- no mean feat for a parenting book.

[Emily]

I think there is a vast amount of great advice for parents. It was a very insightful and open-minded piece of literature, and that is saying something when you look at the other options for advice on child rearing. The authors were quick to admit that some of the advice given will not work.

I found it fascinating considering that I a grew up at the same time as this epidemic was spreading. I was on the brink and I know what other kids younger than me missed out on.



If you are interested in child developmental psychology, this is a good choice.

[Sofia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well written, easy to read book about what's wrong with parenting practices today. Gives simple solutions that people should already be using but are too lazy or afraid to. The most useful thing about the book is that it gives concise time tables concerning the development of different behaviors. Although I don't agree with everything Shaw says (he seems to assume his readers will be predominantly white middle to upper class traditional families living in the suburbs), he has very good points about the effect of media, consumerism and laissez faire parenting on the development of children.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

I agree whole-heartedly with Dr. Shaw's message. I particularly liked his clear presention of milestones, not just for behavior, but also for social and moral expectations as well. He does offer specific ideas for achieving these goals with our children. Many of them may not new, but they are tried and true. Based on the behavior of so many of the kids that I see in restaurants & stores, these ideas need to be repeated because they obviously aren't reaching enough parents. Dr. Shaw's writing may have been a bit joyless, but the message is such an important one.











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[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book about five years ago. It helped me to understand a lot of things that I do as a parent that are detrimental to my children's upbringing as well as those things I do that are good. It also helped me to see how, as a society, we are handicapping our kids in a lot of ways. I have changed many of my parenting techniques and highly reccomend that nay parent who loves their kid should read this book. You may not agree with everything in it, but it is an eye opener.

[Paula · Rating 2 out of 5]

Its pretty common sense. Don't spoil them rotten and they wont grow up to be rotten.

Handy as a return ticket for guilt trips about not satisfying every whim if you are a parent who tends that way. I imagine having expert reinforcement that the right way and the easy way aren't always the same would be beneficial.

I don't have children and read the book because I thought it might be an interesting psychological study, and in that sense I was disappointed.

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every single parent needs to read this, and read it now. I think about this book daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Soo good. I don't have kids but work as a caseworker for child protective services. Trust me, this book can apply to every kind of kid and family dynamic. I also love that he keeps things simple, nothing too complicated or weird like some parenting advice/techniques can be. As the reviews on the back cover say "I hope this becomes the child raising bible"

[Lupine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating. Not so much a parenting book but an examination of what's going on with the current generation. I quibbled with a couple things otherwise I was found that he was saying what I was thinking much of the time. Caveat: those who practice attachment parenting probably won't like it much at all.

[Belinda Leatham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I'd read this years ago but still some great practical ideas for my kids. Lots of no nonsense advice backed up by examples of children he sees around him in restaurants and public places and not just in his consulting rooms. Hoping it helps me guide my children to be caring, unselfish and happy teenagers.

[Bree · Rating 1 out of 5]

Notes:
wanted to read it because of the title and sarcastic list on back cover
hate the author's tone -- condescending and preachy
contradicts himself repeatedly
would never recommend when there are so many better parenting books

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on how modern permissive parenting has created joyless, selfish children who grow into violent, delinquent teenagers. Offers a comprehensive strategy for avoiding these results at each stage of the child's life, from infancy through teen years. Written from a secular perspective.

[Fishface · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a pretty good one. The author contends that far from failing to cope with impaired children, lousy parents actually cause their children's impairments. He doesn't just describe the problem, as so many books do; he suggests ways to handle the issues.

[Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some interesting information, but nothing new. It works well for parents who believe in an "old fashioned" parenting style.

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

See pg 157.

[Cary · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's about child rearing. I'm rereading the infant/toddler chapters

[Celsa Perales · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful insights on ideas of society and culture.

[Jeff Finley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great commentary on permissive parenting and add kids

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read!!

[Annette · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read it quite a while ago and I remember finding the information interesting, but he presentation dry.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must for anyone with kids or planning on having kids