Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teens and Yourself Through Kind and Firm Parenting

by Jane Nelsen Ed.D., Lynn Lott

A Positive Approach To Raising Happy, Healthy and Mature Teenagers
 
Adolescence can be a time of great stress and turmoil—not only for kids going through it, but for their parents as well. It’s normal for teens to explore a new sense of freedom and to redefine the ways in which they relate to their parents, and that process can sometimes leave parents feeling powerless, alienated, or excluded from their children’s lives. These effects can be magnified even further in this modern age of social networks, cell phones, and constant digital distraction.

This newly revised and updated edition of Positive Discipline for Teenagers shows parents how to build stronger bridges of communication with their children, break the destructive cycles of guilt and blame that occur in parent-teen power struggles, and work toward greater mutual respect with their adolescents. At the core of the Positive Discipline approach is the understanding that teens still need their parents, just in different ways--and by better understanding who their teens really are, parents can learn to encourage both their teens and themselves, and instill good judgment without being judgmental. The methods in this book work to build vital social and life skills through encouragement and empowerment--not punishment. Truly effective parenting is about connection before correction.

Over the years, millions of parents have come to trust Jane Nelsen’s classic Positive Discipline series for its consistent, commonsense approach to raising happy, responsible kids. This new edition is filled with proven, effective methods for coping with such parenting challenges as:
 
-Fostering truly honest discussions with your teen
-Helping your teen handle the online world 
-Turning mistakes into opportunities
-Keeping your sanity while raising your teen—and making sure your own teenage issues aren’t weighing you down
-Teaching your teen how to pursue the goal that make them happy…and a few that make you happy too (like chores)
-Making sure you’re on your teen’s side, and that they know that
-Avoiding the pitfalls of excessive control and excessive permissiveness

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Child Psychology, Family, Self Help, Social

274 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 24, 1994

Reviews

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I realized a few months ago that starting next year, I was going to have 13 straight years of one or more high schoolers living in my home, so maybe I should start thinking through who I want to be as a mother of teenagers. And somehow figure out how to be that person while also being the right kind of mother for the preschooler. Still working on that. Anyways, a friend of mine has been teaching a class for her congregation on raising teenagers, so I jumped on that ship, and this was our text for the class.

As I'll say with any parenting book, I don't agree with the author 100% of the time. Every child, parent, and family dynamic are different, so there isn't going to be a magical book that fits perfectly and solves every problem. In particular, I was not a fan of the authors' obvious prejudice against using mental health medication. While I agree with them that medication alone isn't enough, let me tell you, the right medication in the right situation can bring you to the right mental place where you can do that necessary emotional work. For real, I can't even count the number of people I know who have had it transform their life for the better. So I didn't love their frequent jabs at using antidepressants, etc. There are also strategies they talk about that are just impossible in families with more than two kids.

I also wish the authors had provided more guidance for parents that are trying to parent within a cultural/spiritual/ideological framework - they acknowledged that it exists, and I recognize that being comprehensive would be impossible, but it feels like one of the biggest sources of tension between parents and teens (at least from where I'm sitting in my immigrant-heavy neighborhood), and some acknowledgement that this dynamic is at play would really help.

That said, this book really had a lot going for it, and I've already seen results from some shifts in my parenthood.

First of all, family meetings. Holy moly. It sounded very Leave it to Beaver, but that formula of compliments-calendar-issues has been magic. OK, and it helps that I pay them their weekly allowance at the end, so they're always excited to come. But raising peacemakers (rather than conflict avoiders) is an important part of our family values, and it is awesome that when a conflict comes up, we can say, "let's discuss this at the family meeting," give everyone uninterrupted time to say their piece and be heard, and then brainstorm ways to meet everyone's needs. The kids have generated some really great solutions to their problems, and we've even had times I've put something on the agenda for the meeting, and they've already solved it using that kind of listening before Sunday rolls around. And I think having a built-in place for us to recognize the good things others are doing is just lovely, and a great way to set the tone.

Second, it really reminded me of how it feels to think like a teenager. Sometimes I look back at my teen years and wonder why I did such idiotic things, but reading this helped me see that I did in fact have a logic behind what I was doing, and while I haven't had a good opportunity to apply the principle with my kids, I feel like I have some good strategies in place for getting down to what is really going on when things get wonky.

Finally, I love how much respect it shows for the teenagers themselves, and the process of growing up. I love that it places value on giving teenagers opportunities to figure out what is really important to them and make decisions based on that, explore their identity, make mistakes, learn from their mistakes on their own, listen to the views of others, have a place where they can see true listening modeled, and grow in responsibility. And it helped me think through what decisions I need to make to give my teens opportunities to develop in ways that fit our family values. This was a good reading experience for me.

[Henrique Zamboni · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book mainly because of my work. I’m not a parent, but I’m always in touch with teenagers in the classroom. I’m an English language teacher based in São Paulo, Brazil, and I can safely say that this book has given me a lot of useful insights and I do feel more resourceful now. I’m looking forward to reading Positive Discipline in the Classroom now.

[Abby · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good info on being positive and communication, but I didn’t see any discipline in this book and overall I just found it confusing with a lot of what not to do and not so much of what TO do.

[Shelli · Rating 4 out of 5]

My daughter noticed this book on my tablet and asked why I was reading it. Thankfully things have gone well so far on this teenage journey; however we are only just at the beginning. I told her that I would rather gather information before there is a problem so when and if those problems arise I might better handle them. She replied by telling me how smart of a mother she has; I rather love her. I found this book by accident and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time, when I need to start reprogramming the way I respond to my daughter and releasing some of my perceived control that I had over her during childhood. While I didn't agree with all the advice given, particularly in regards to how to handle teenagers who drink and drive, the majority I did. I will, and already have, recommend this book to parents of teenagers particularly in the earliest stages; although it is never too late to do and be better. The layout is enjoyable with many personal accounts of parents sharing their own stories, both successes and failures.

[Lora · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a psychotherapist working with teens and families. I give this book to almost all of my parents at our first session. I often hear back that after reading the first few pages, they felt a huge sense of relief. I highly recommend this book for every parent!

[Beverley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent parenting book, easy to read and use.

[J Kendra Low · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was helpful in learning how to effectively build a good relationship and get cooperation from my teenage son. If you’re child is strong willed I recommend this book for you. It is full of organized explanations, exercises, tips and habits to get you to were you need to be with your teen. I’m so proud of the high functioning and peaceful relationship I’ve built with my incredibly capable son thanks to this book.

[Catherine · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book leaves you with the unrealistic idea that if parents would just be respectful and willing to talk out/negotiate every little thing with their teen, everything will be fine. "Move over to the co-pilot's seat so you can have a positive influence on your teens without trying to run their lives." There's nothing in here about discipline.

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn’t really get this book. There’s no advice and no ideas on how to discipline in any way. Why is it called positive discipline? If you’re looking for a book to tell you what you’re doing wrong (yelling, not listening, reacting too quickly or without all the information) then this may be helpful. If you are looking for ways to help with what you’re doing wrong, this is not the book for you.

[Anita Velez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing guide to parent teenagers from the heart

I am very grateful to have found this book. I also took on the online parent class and I really love this approach coming from the heart and having faith teenage years will be much better, growing together with my kids for becoming well rounded adults that make right choices for their life and live from their hearts.

[Mary Lou Baker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great parenting book

I like the positive approach. I also learned a lot about how to empower and not enable or rescue my teen.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed this book, always open to new ideas

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

When you buy a book on accident and read it anyway. Parenting books are fascinating.

[Michelle Weijia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Notes for myself:
- useful and practical
- would recommend

[Juliana Oliveira · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read for parents- it is important that both parents read it and align / agree on it. Really strong help to improve the quality of parents & teens relationships

[Rreyes · Rating 5 out of 5]

The is a must-have for parents of teenagers.

[Cynthia Judkins · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read part of it.

[Cory · Rating 1 out of 5]

The section on depression should entirely discredit this entire book.

[Stephanie Elieson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I disagreed with the first 30% of this book it seemed. But many chapters from the second half brought up some great points.

[Kari · Rating 4 out of 5]

4-5 ✨

[Nayeli Velasco · Rating 3 out of 5]

Libro de consulta permanente de acuerdo a las diferentes etapas de un/a adolescente.

[Another · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first part was quite good, and there was some useful information about helping the teen recognize their emotions, a table of personality types at the end (which probably should have been way in the beginning), and a few other parts I found helpful. I liked the reminders that your relationship with your child is precious and the most important thing.

Having said that - it's also important to try to help your teen make good choices. I do not believe that letting them do whatever they want and just talking about things is the best (or a safe) approach in every situation for every child.

The section on scary behavior was spectacularly unhelpful. Telling me not to worry so much is not really going to keep my kid from getting pregnant or get an STD or get rolling drunk and accidentally kill herself. I have one daughter who is clearly at risk for all these things, and she's the reason I read this book. I don't think I got a lot of help with her problems.

I did actually apply the principles in the book and the scary behavior quickly escalated. Some kids do need a lot of guidance and sometimes freedom has to be scaled back if it's apparent that the kid cannot manage things well - whether the child likes it or not.

More information on teen brain development and the stages we can expect to see would have been helpful too.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

There were parts of this book I didn't relate to very well--it could be a little over-the-top with the psychobabble, spent a lot of time trying to convince me that I had childhood "issues" I had to deal with first (If I'm going to wait to parent until I have all *my* childhood issues taken care of, I may as well have given up before I started) and there were some pretty, um, OK incredibly lenient examples in the book. (Fifteen-year-old-girl --"Hey, mom, I know how much you worry, so I'm going to tell you--I'm going out to an all-night rave party. I don't intend to have sex with anyone, though" Mom--"Ok, dear, thanks for telling me" ) ???????? Yikes. However, there were some very good chapters on respecting our children, tips on "co-piloting", and an excellent chapter on follow-through that make the book valuable enough a read to merit some stars.

[H · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like all parenting books, this one has to be read with a large grain of salt. But it has enough wisdom in it to make it worth the read. I know it has helped me remember that with teens, sometimes you just have to let them have the snit.... I also think that the advice to be kind is well worth it, because it is way too easy to forget just how sensitive these kids still are. I also appreciate the being "firm" part, as it helps me when I hate saying "no" to remember that it is really helping them when I stand firm on some things.

[Corrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This approach to parenting is a complete paradigm shift for me. I appreciate Rachel sharing information about this author. I grew up with controlling parents and know first hand just how well that works out - you'd think I wouldn't repeat it, but then it's all I've known. This book makes sense and I know it will be hard to implement, but I think Rachel is right. This is how we should parent.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this book. I knew that the ideas would be great. Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott always have great tools and suggestions. But this book was so much heavier on the "whys" than the other books in the PD sereies that I really got a lot more out of it. I will definitely be revisiting this book in the years to come.

[Cassandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

I'm very intrigued by the parenting ideas in this book but am unsure of how they will translate into an older child adoption. The book assumes that the parent has already raised their child for 13 years. We're adopting an 11 year old and will be starting from scratch. Will some of these ideas work with her as well? It will be interesting to see what happens.

[Alicia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting book. It helped me adjust my perspective on parenting teenagers. At first the book seemed too "easy" on obnoxious behavior, but I've been amazed how the calm approach really does work better than the controlling approach!

[Colleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first respectful book I've read on parenting teens. The author believes in the fundamental dignity of children, adolescents and adults, and gives useful advice, placing responsibility for the relationship where it belongs-- with parents.

[Tracy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good but mostly aimed at families where the children aren't TOO troubled. Not totally realistic for me but still worth reading with some good suggestions.