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Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide – Expert Advice on Adoption, Donors, Solo Parenting, and Your Child's Questions
The comprehensive guide for single women interested in proactively becoming a mother--includes the essential tools needed to decide whether to take this step, information on how best to follow through, and insight about answering the child's questions and needs over time.
Choosing Single Motherhood, written by a longtime journalist and Choice Mother (a woman who chooses to conceive or adopt without a life partner), will become the indispensable tool for women looking for both support and insight. Based on extensive up-to-date research, advice from child experts and family therapists, as well as interviews with more than one hundred single women, this book explores common questions and concerns of women facing this decision,
- Can I afford to do this?
- Should I wait longer to see if life turns a new corner?
- How do Choice Mothers handle the stress of solo parenting?
- What the research says about growing up in a single-parent household
- How to answer a child's "daddy" questions
- The facts about adoption, anonymous donor insemination, and finding a known donor
- How the children of pioneering Choice Mothers feel about their lives
Written in a lively style that never sugarcoats or sweeps problems under the rug, Choosing Single Motherhood covers the topic clearly, concisely, and with a great deal of heart.
Choosing Single Motherhood, written by a longtime journalist and Choice Mother (a woman who chooses to conceive or adopt without a life partner), will become the indispensable tool for women looking for both support and insight. Based on extensive up-to-date research, advice from child experts and family therapists, as well as interviews with more than one hundred single women, this book explores common questions and concerns of women facing this decision,
- Can I afford to do this?
- Should I wait longer to see if life turns a new corner?
- How do Choice Mothers handle the stress of solo parenting?
- What the research says about growing up in a single-parent household
- How to answer a child's "daddy" questions
- The facts about adoption, anonymous donor insemination, and finding a known donor
- How the children of pioneering Choice Mothers feel about their lives
Written in a lively style that never sugarcoats or sweeps problems under the rug, Choosing Single Motherhood covers the topic clearly, concisely, and with a great deal of heart.
- GenresParentingNonfiction
452 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 1, 2006
42 people are currently reading
168 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
January 10, 2011
I really appreciate the thoughtful way Mikki laid out this book. In the past few years I've been trying to decide whether to adopt or have children on my own, as alas, prince charming has not shown up and I'm turning forty. I thought Mikki effectively laid out the landscape of single motherhood and provided guides and references that are helpful whether you are still trying to decide or are taking the plunge. I definitely recommend this book.
September 1, 2021
I usually enjoy many books that I come across, but this is one of the 2 out of maybe 13 SMC or fertility books that I do not like. If you are an SMC who wants to go solo for awhile or completely, you might have trouble relating to this book or not feeling guilty or angered. I pretty much hated this book in large.
The author should have maybe been more upfront about how Known Donor forward she was being. There are large sections of the book that make people who would like to be more Open ID/Anonymous donors feel guilty about their choice in conceiving. I understand that the information laid forth about how some children may dislike being conceived at all through ICI/IUI/IVF in a sterile environment, but the tone about it felt slightly accusatory and damning for those SMCs who do choose clinical conception without KDs.
She does have small paragraphs of topics/interviews that seem incomplete in equally describing fair views of raising a boy as an SMC versus raising a girl. In her chapter of Impact of a Single-Parent Home, she mentions Peggy Drexler who is the author of "Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men" and talk about how well adjusted boys are in homes of SMCs than the traditional heterosexual home, because they are more in tune with dealing with male aggressive impulses in an empathetic way. In the same chapter, she describes the pitfall of how mother-daughter relationships become too close and that women tend to depend on their daughters as confidants. I just would like to have known equal viewpoints of the same coin. Do daughters have any emotional differences being raised SMC? Do sons also have that pitfall of being used as a confidant as well?
Her chapter Growing Up Without a Father describes the nuances that children may have without having a father. She talks about someone named Blankenhorn (1995) writing how it is a rite of passage for boys to separate from their moms and mature as healthy individuals from them. (Boys and Guns) Blankenhorn argued that fathers guide their sons in a community of men and how it helps them excel in their maleness. This researcher pointed out that boys will overcompensate in aggression and rage to try and separate from the mom, because they don't have a father figure to process how to be a male. (Girls and Babies) Blankenhorn goes to say that girls seeking an older male and risk becoming promiscuous. They want masculine affection and approval. Blankenhorn cites research from Judith Musick that emphasizes how girls don't have a stable adult male to can help them establish issues of security and trust with. Musick doesn't say that lack of a father is an issue, but says that the influences of abusive men in a mother's life may be what causes girls to seek out poor examples of men for attention.
The author says she doesn't state this to rile up readers, but seriously, I am irritated. Even though after the whole Girls and Babies section, she describes all sorts of situations where friends she knows have daughters or are daughters that grew up: alone, promiscuous, lonely, developing poor relationship with men...etc. It didn't fix how slated against her support in having Blankenhorn and Musick even state their research in the first place. At least find people who can argue the other argument about qualities girls will have growing up without a male figure in their everyday life.
Regardless of what I felt at the time, I decided to continue to read, because I was about 125 pages from finishing. I chose to skip the adoption section, because I plan on having my own children. I think I decided to be done with the book after getting to the "How to Raise a Well-Balanced Child." She had a section titled "The Experts" where she shared 4 writers with "excellent books about their philosophies."
1. Mary Kurcinka, "Raising Your Spirited Child," a book about understanding temperaments of children. Solid. I can support that.
2. Richard Weissbourd, "The Vulnerable Child: What Really Hurts America's Children and What We Can Do About It," which describes family structure and income level can also affect quality of parenting due to emotional stability of the caregiver. Okay, so this seems to emphasize the relation of having less money to having more stress and less patience or support as an SMC. I can understand that.
3. Kyle Pruett, "Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child," TLDR Children need men in their life. Not that I really want to read this book, but as an SMC - WHAT? The paragraph talks about how men and women are naturally different. I agree with that. I understand that there are things that both genders cannot fulfill in teaching children, but it isn't an absolute deal breaker. "As he (Pruett) points out, "Men are the single greatest untapped resource in the lives of American children. Natural, renewable, and by and large nontoxic, they couldn't be healthier for the country's children. We can't afford to let another one get away." EVEN if you are trying to appeal to partnered SMCs, why would you quote this specific quote from Pruett's book, Morrisette? Many SMCs are starting this journey alone and the last thing we need is to be told many times in the book how our children need a dad.
4. Michael Gurian, "The Good Son" and "The Wonder of Children", this section describes how the males and females are different. (No duh.) Males problem solve quickly. Females delve into emotional issues. (Does anyone else feel the connotation on this?) This expert describes that you need a back up system to help a child succeed. (Babysitter, grandparents, respected partners in child-raising...) Gurian basically says you have to have a solid foundation in community to help children be adjust. I just can't help Morrisette's emphasize in having a partner. I know that community is important, but I felt every other page or chapter stated something about leaning on a partner or having a father somewhat in the picture subconciously.
As I stated before, I didn't read much after this, because I was sick of the book.
It's old school crock of malarkey that I will not stand for. This is 2021 and having to read outdated research from a book written in 2008 was appalling. This wasn't a memoir so much as deprecated research put into a book with views that could equal a dinosaur. Morrisette will often have pages of researchers she quotes and seemingly supports some negative viewpoints, but then write her opinion on it like a memoir. I really wish she would be more balanced, because I also would like to have better insight.
I was trying to take this book in stride. I know that identity can be an issue for children, even if you are completely up front and open about their conception and even if you support them in finding who their donor is and connecting with them. I just felt like it underlyingly jabbed at SMCs who won't stay partnered or have a father figure in the picture. Maybe it is because Morrisette has widely different viewpoints and life experiences from me. She grew up religious (Christian?). She used a KD. She married her husband while she was pregnant with her second KD conceived child. Her life will never match mine, but I felt like she basically stated that using an Open ID Anonymous donor was detrimental and doubly so if I didn't have a male partner in my life. I'm not for that.
TLDR: I don't recommend this book.
The author should have maybe been more upfront about how Known Donor forward she was being. There are large sections of the book that make people who would like to be more Open ID/Anonymous donors feel guilty about their choice in conceiving. I understand that the information laid forth about how some children may dislike being conceived at all through ICI/IUI/IVF in a sterile environment, but the tone about it felt slightly accusatory and damning for those SMCs who do choose clinical conception without KDs.
She does have small paragraphs of topics/interviews that seem incomplete in equally describing fair views of raising a boy as an SMC versus raising a girl. In her chapter of Impact of a Single-Parent Home, she mentions Peggy Drexler who is the author of "Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men" and talk about how well adjusted boys are in homes of SMCs than the traditional heterosexual home, because they are more in tune with dealing with male aggressive impulses in an empathetic way. In the same chapter, she describes the pitfall of how mother-daughter relationships become too close and that women tend to depend on their daughters as confidants. I just would like to have known equal viewpoints of the same coin. Do daughters have any emotional differences being raised SMC? Do sons also have that pitfall of being used as a confidant as well?
Her chapter Growing Up Without a Father describes the nuances that children may have without having a father. She talks about someone named Blankenhorn (1995) writing how it is a rite of passage for boys to separate from their moms and mature as healthy individuals from them. (Boys and Guns) Blankenhorn argued that fathers guide their sons in a community of men and how it helps them excel in their maleness. This researcher pointed out that boys will overcompensate in aggression and rage to try and separate from the mom, because they don't have a father figure to process how to be a male. (Girls and Babies) Blankenhorn goes to say that girls seeking an older male and risk becoming promiscuous. They want masculine affection and approval. Blankenhorn cites research from Judith Musick that emphasizes how girls don't have a stable adult male to can help them establish issues of security and trust with. Musick doesn't say that lack of a father is an issue, but says that the influences of abusive men in a mother's life may be what causes girls to seek out poor examples of men for attention.
The author says she doesn't state this to rile up readers, but seriously, I am irritated. Even though after the whole Girls and Babies section, she describes all sorts of situations where friends she knows have daughters or are daughters that grew up: alone, promiscuous, lonely, developing poor relationship with men...etc. It didn't fix how slated against her support in having Blankenhorn and Musick even state their research in the first place. At least find people who can argue the other argument about qualities girls will have growing up without a male figure in their everyday life.
Regardless of what I felt at the time, I decided to continue to read, because I was about 125 pages from finishing. I chose to skip the adoption section, because I plan on having my own children. I think I decided to be done with the book after getting to the "How to Raise a Well-Balanced Child." She had a section titled "The Experts" where she shared 4 writers with "excellent books about their philosophies."
1. Mary Kurcinka, "Raising Your Spirited Child," a book about understanding temperaments of children. Solid. I can support that.
2. Richard Weissbourd, "The Vulnerable Child: What Really Hurts America's Children and What We Can Do About It," which describes family structure and income level can also affect quality of parenting due to emotional stability of the caregiver. Okay, so this seems to emphasize the relation of having less money to having more stress and less patience or support as an SMC. I can understand that.
3. Kyle Pruett, "Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child," TLDR Children need men in their life. Not that I really want to read this book, but as an SMC - WHAT? The paragraph talks about how men and women are naturally different. I agree with that. I understand that there are things that both genders cannot fulfill in teaching children, but it isn't an absolute deal breaker. "As he (Pruett) points out, "Men are the single greatest untapped resource in the lives of American children. Natural, renewable, and by and large nontoxic, they couldn't be healthier for the country's children. We can't afford to let another one get away." EVEN if you are trying to appeal to partnered SMCs, why would you quote this specific quote from Pruett's book, Morrisette? Many SMCs are starting this journey alone and the last thing we need is to be told many times in the book how our children need a dad.
4. Michael Gurian, "The Good Son" and "The Wonder of Children", this section describes how the males and females are different. (No duh.) Males problem solve quickly. Females delve into emotional issues. (Does anyone else feel the connotation on this?) This expert describes that you need a back up system to help a child succeed. (Babysitter, grandparents, respected partners in child-raising...) Gurian basically says you have to have a solid foundation in community to help children be adjust. I just can't help Morrisette's emphasize in having a partner. I know that community is important, but I felt every other page or chapter stated something about leaning on a partner or having a father somewhat in the picture subconciously.
As I stated before, I didn't read much after this, because I was sick of the book.
It's old school crock of malarkey that I will not stand for. This is 2021 and having to read outdated research from a book written in 2008 was appalling. This wasn't a memoir so much as deprecated research put into a book with views that could equal a dinosaur. Morrisette will often have pages of researchers she quotes and seemingly supports some negative viewpoints, but then write her opinion on it like a memoir. I really wish she would be more balanced, because I also would like to have better insight.
I was trying to take this book in stride. I know that identity can be an issue for children, even if you are completely up front and open about their conception and even if you support them in finding who their donor is and connecting with them. I just felt like it underlyingly jabbed at SMCs who won't stay partnered or have a father figure in the picture. Maybe it is because Morrisette has widely different viewpoints and life experiences from me. She grew up religious (Christian?). She used a KD. She married her husband while she was pregnant with her second KD conceived child. Her life will never match mine, but I felt like she basically stated that using an Open ID Anonymous donor was detrimental and doubly so if I didn't have a male partner in my life. I'm not for that.
TLDR: I don't recommend this book.
September 22, 2021
Wow. This book has been, and will be, invaluable for me. Granted this is a very specific book for people thinking about a very specific path. For me I took so much good information from it. It has not made me feel worried or stressed about the information, rather I feel more prepared with this knowledge under my belt. Morrissette did a great job of bringing together all sides of the situation. She has a few biases based on her personal thoughts on some of these questions - known donor or anonymous for instance - but I didn't mind. A lot of research went into the creation of this guide and it shows. Definitely a book to read prior to actually becoming a single mother by choice. Otherwise it's basically preaching to the choir. I don't know what the reaction to the book is if the woman is on the fence about her decisions, and can only say for me, who was basically committed before even starting this book, that it was all really good information. I've got tons of pages tagged to come back to later on for inspiration and remembrance.
May 3, 2019
Very informative and well researched! Morrissette's book lists both the pluses and minuses of single motherhood.
August 23, 2020
Everything I needed. I’m so grateful for this book.
January 20, 2013
I quite enjoyed this book but it was definitely preaching to the choir; that is, those of us who had already made the decision to become 'Choice Mothers'. I actually wish I had of read this book prior to commencing insemination because it made many good points about the sort of donor to choose and the legalities and moralities of each decision.
Having already started on my journey (and pregnancy) while reading this book, I found the constant reiteration of building a network, creating a village, reaching out to people, extremely helpful as women in my position tend to be independent and isolated to an extent. I know that's true for me at times so I've been trying to feed this advice into my daily life starting in pregnancy and hopefully moving forward throughout raising my child.
The other thing I would recommend for anyone reading this book to consider whether or not to become a Choice Mother is to Google negative thoughts and comments from children raised by solo mums. This book really didn't cover those kids who were not happy with the choice their parent made. If they were interviewed, then they kept those thoughts to themeselves and I think therein might lie the problem for children raised by women like me.
Having already started on my journey (and pregnancy) while reading this book, I found the constant reiteration of building a network, creating a village, reaching out to people, extremely helpful as women in my position tend to be independent and isolated to an extent. I know that's true for me at times so I've been trying to feed this advice into my daily life starting in pregnancy and hopefully moving forward throughout raising my child.
The other thing I would recommend for anyone reading this book to consider whether or not to become a Choice Mother is to Google negative thoughts and comments from children raised by solo mums. This book really didn't cover those kids who were not happy with the choice their parent made. If they were interviewed, then they kept those thoughts to themeselves and I think therein might lie the problem for children raised by women like me.
July 27, 2015
I'm counting this one as finished because I'm lazy and a cheater. I absolutely loved what I read of it, but got distracted with the rest of my life.
The author does a wonderful job of encouraging readers to determine their own conclusions about choosing single motherhood. She affirms the differing priorities prospective mothers may have and validates them without providing prescriptive advice. For some, the thought of never being a mother may be more painful than the thought of never marrying - and for others, the dream of children may be worth sacrificing for the right partner. This book manages to guide readers towards these questions without telling them how to answer.
The author does a wonderful job of encouraging readers to determine their own conclusions about choosing single motherhood. She affirms the differing priorities prospective mothers may have and validates them without providing prescriptive advice. For some, the thought of never being a mother may be more painful than the thought of never marrying - and for others, the dream of children may be worth sacrificing for the right partner. This book manages to guide readers towards these questions without telling them how to answer.
November 3, 2012
I read this with questions in my head and concerns in my heart. They was it was written has calmed my fears and made me look deeper into those questions to find the answer myself. Very Greatful to Mikki Morrissette for this book.
April 7, 2010
More research on my motherhood quest. I like the way this book is organized, so far.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews