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Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love
Everyone disagrees on some things; this is inevitable. The question is, how can we disagree with those we love but increase the odds that we will live and love to fight another day? In other words, how can we fight fair?
In this companion to One of Us Must Be Crazy... and I'm Pretty Sure It's You (a treatise on making sense of the differences that divide us), Tim and Joy Downs aren't playing around. This time they concentrate less on how to make sense of our diferences and more on winning at conflict without losing at love.When couples fight, tempers flare, tongues loosen, and behavior occurs that can cause major damage to the relationship. Fight Fair! teaches couples how to have healthy disagreements. It is a candid and realistic "rulebook" for married couples to ensure that their conflict is God-honoring and respectful of their partner. There is also plenty of immediate application to ensure that future conflicts don't create permanent scars.
In this companion to One of Us Must Be Crazy... and I'm Pretty Sure It's You (a treatise on making sense of the differences that divide us), Tim and Joy Downs aren't playing around. This time they concentrate less on how to make sense of our diferences and more on winning at conflict without losing at love.When couples fight, tempers flare, tongues loosen, and behavior occurs that can cause major damage to the relationship. Fight Fair! teaches couples how to have healthy disagreements. It is a candid and realistic "rulebook" for married couples to ensure that their conflict is God-honoring and respectful of their partner. There is also plenty of immediate application to ensure that future conflicts don't create permanent scars.
166 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 1, 2003
61 people are currently reading
291 people want to read
About the author
Tim Downs
47 books271 followersTim Downs is a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Indiana University. After graduation in 1976 he created a comic strip, Downstown, which was syndicated by Universal Press Syndicate (Calvin & Hobbes, Doonesbury, The Far Side) from 1980 to 1986. His cartooning has appeared in more than a hundred daily newspapers worldwide. Tim has written seven mystery/suspense novels: Shoofly Pie, Chop Shop, PlagueMaker, Head Game, First the Dead, Less than Dead, and Ends of the Earth. PlagueMaker was awarded the Christy Award for the best CBA mystery/suspense novel of 2006, and Less than Dead was a finalist for the 2009 Christian Book Award in suspense fiction. Tim lives in Cary, North Carolina, with his wife Joy. They have three grown children.
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
April 1, 2020
Good concepts and strategies in how to put them into action with your spouse. I got this book after I attended Family Life's marriage retreat and really enjoyed reading it. I like how at the end of a lot of chapters there is a section for you and your spouse to discuss how some of these issues and solutions pertain to your marriage.
September 29, 2016
This isn't a bad book when it comes to content, but it is horrible when it comes to layout. Instead of a traditional book, with open, white space on the far left page and the far right page, this book fills in that blank space with quotes, tips, and lists of things related to the chapter's topic. Also, throughout the actual text of the book, there are random breaks where quotes and "insights" are dropped in.
This book's format is the opposite of aesthetically pleasing. It is incredibly displeasing to the eye. It is so bad, in fact, that I couldn't read the book in full. I skimmed most of the second half because there is just too much clutter on the pages.
Most of the content in this book can be found in other marriage books, but there was one particular quote that I liked. This book is all about how one can deal with conflict in marriage in a healthy way, and I liked this tip from Page 103: "A wise approach to conflict is to have big fights about big things, and little fights about little things. This is what we call 'proportionate conflict.'" I think this is definitely an area that I could work on, as I am prone to make every disagreement into a big argument.
This book's format is the opposite of aesthetically pleasing. It is incredibly displeasing to the eye. It is so bad, in fact, that I couldn't read the book in full. I skimmed most of the second half because there is just too much clutter on the pages.
Most of the content in this book can be found in other marriage books, but there was one particular quote that I liked. This book is all about how one can deal with conflict in marriage in a healthy way, and I liked this tip from Page 103: "A wise approach to conflict is to have big fights about big things, and little fights about little things. This is what we call 'proportionate conflict.'" I think this is definitely an area that I could work on, as I am prone to make every disagreement into a big argument.
October 2, 2017
What I Liked
Some of the content and points made is fantastic. I found myself underlining quite a few points that I will benefit from in the future.
What I Didn't Like
Probably 30% of this book consists of quotes from other writers. No joke. Not a whole lot of it was from Downs himself.
The layout of the book is a little crazy. There is the normal text, which goes down the page, but it's broken up by "insights", which appear along the middle-sides of paragraphs, notes at the bottom of the page, and entirely separate quotes and lists on the sides of the page. Yikes! My eyes were crawling everywhere to get the content of each page.
Some of the content and points made is fantastic. I found myself underlining quite a few points that I will benefit from in the future.
What I Didn't Like
Probably 30% of this book consists of quotes from other writers. No joke. Not a whole lot of it was from Downs himself.
The layout of the book is a little crazy. There is the normal text, which goes down the page, but it's broken up by "insights", which appear along the middle-sides of paragraphs, notes at the bottom of the page, and entirely separate quotes and lists on the sides of the page. Yikes! My eyes were crawling everywhere to get the content of each page.
April 6, 2023
4.5 stars for the visual clutter of the book. On each page, there is a margin with techniques, tips, quotes. It's all good, but makes the page visually cluttered. And there is already a great deal of information happening in the book, so it makes it a little overwhelming.
The content of the book itself is 5+ stars. I love that it includes space in the back to write your own rules of conflict for your marriage. There are also reminders at the end of each chapter to go to that space to add what you've learned in that chapter. This really was so good and hit upon almost every aspect of conflict within a marriage. I especially liked chapter 16 that talked about two kinds of commitment: dedication and constraint. How dedication "refers to the desire of an individual to maintain, or improve the quality of the relationship for the joint benefit of both partners." Constraint is what keeps individuals in relationships whether or not they're dedicated. It goes on to say that you need both for your marriage to thrive.
I truly believe that this book could be a game changer for me. My husband is actually very good at conflict while I tend to be more of a wildcard.
The content of the book itself is 5+ stars. I love that it includes space in the back to write your own rules of conflict for your marriage. There are also reminders at the end of each chapter to go to that space to add what you've learned in that chapter. This really was so good and hit upon almost every aspect of conflict within a marriage. I especially liked chapter 16 that talked about two kinds of commitment: dedication and constraint. How dedication "refers to the desire of an individual to maintain, or improve the quality of the relationship for the joint benefit of both partners." Constraint is what keeps individuals in relationships whether or not they're dedicated. It goes on to say that you need both for your marriage to thrive.
I truly believe that this book could be a game changer for me. My husband is actually very good at conflict while I tend to be more of a wildcard.
October 13, 2021
The content in this book is solid and it covers the bases of assertiveness and conflict resolution. However, it is too cognitive/cerebral for my taste. When couples fight, they are triggering each others’ childhood wounds and their bodies are reacting viscerally. A rule book and “being your own referee” are pretty unrealistic solutions to marital conflict. Also, after encouraging couples during the entire book to “write their own rules,” the end of the book cautions you not to focus too much on the rules. This feels really contradictory to me. Try a different book if you want to make your marriage less conflictual.
December 22, 2018
Why should you read this book? Because you and your spouse will have disagreements and this book gives you rules for fighting that won't damage your relationship. When to fight, how to show empathy, what not to say. Most fights aren't really about the thing you are arguing about
I found this really helpful--it's like the author's had been listening to some of the conversations I've had with my wife.
I found this really helpful--it's like the author's had been listening to some of the conversations I've had with my wife.
May 18, 2018
Excellent strategies for conflict, the content is Biblically based, contains writing space for the married couple to fill out their current conflicts, what to improve, marriage goals, etc. conclusion is no matter our rules for fighting fair, nothing will he changed unless we allow our hearts and lives be in submission to Christ.
April 12, 2023
4.5
The content is really helpful, the book layout is distracting.
Lots of practical tips, and making rules and fouls for conflict has been a helpful exercise. But most importantly I like that they caution you to use the rules, not let the rules use you. It's about the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law.
The content is really helpful, the book layout is distracting.
Lots of practical tips, and making rules and fouls for conflict has been a helpful exercise. But most importantly I like that they caution you to use the rules, not let the rules use you. It's about the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law.
May 29, 2023
Excellent book on how to communicate effectively and “fight fair”. I recognized so many behaviors that both my husband and I exhibit during arguments and this book provides practical advice on how to change those behaviors. This should be required reading for every married couple. It’s also a very easy read.
June 10, 2019
Largely common sense if you are an adult.
October 24, 2019
Sparked some good conversations for my husband and I, as we read about a chapter a week. Some good practical tips, though very general.
January 4, 2020
It is a nice book. If the books advice could be taken to heart and implemented then it would make a huge difference to the couple that needs it. If it can be implemented.
December 17, 2020
Lots of great insight and biblically based. Will definitely revisit this book for refreshers.
February 10, 2025
I read this in 2 hrs 33 minutes
March 1, 2025
Excellent book... excellent resource for a counselor to use for premarital counseling or marriage counseling. It is excellent for married couples as well. I am going to buy its companion for sure!!
February 22, 2025
Wonderful!
January 1, 2016
Every couple can use help now and then, especially when it comes to conflict. Pre-marital counseling covers this topic, but after a few years, couples can develop bad habits and need a refresher in how to fight fair.
I’ve had this on my to-read list for a while since I’m always looking for books to help in my marriage. Fight Fair! is broken down into 17 easy-to-read chapters that could be easy for couples to read together as time allows. There are comics to start every chapter and lots of insights, tips, quotes and verses in the margins of all the pages.
The two best tips I gained from the book are that how an argument starts is usually how it ends. If you start the conversation nicely, it will usually end nice. If it starts confrontationally and argumentative, it will usually end that way. The other tip was a list of apologies that aren’t really apologies. I think we are all guilty of using them when all we really need to do is say, “I’m sorry.”
The books gives worksheets at the end so couples can work on each topic together and come up with a list of new rules to use for disagreements.
I would recommend this book for any couple at any point in a relationship – and probably many times during a relationship. I checked this out from the library, but will probably buy it so we can do the worksheets and have the book as a reference.
The authors have a Web site with several marriage resources at www.timandjoydowns.com.
I’ve had this on my to-read list for a while since I’m always looking for books to help in my marriage. Fight Fair! is broken down into 17 easy-to-read chapters that could be easy for couples to read together as time allows. There are comics to start every chapter and lots of insights, tips, quotes and verses in the margins of all the pages.
The two best tips I gained from the book are that how an argument starts is usually how it ends. If you start the conversation nicely, it will usually end nice. If it starts confrontationally and argumentative, it will usually end that way. The other tip was a list of apologies that aren’t really apologies. I think we are all guilty of using them when all we really need to do is say, “I’m sorry.”
The books gives worksheets at the end so couples can work on each topic together and come up with a list of new rules to use for disagreements.
I would recommend this book for any couple at any point in a relationship – and probably many times during a relationship. I checked this out from the library, but will probably buy it so we can do the worksheets and have the book as a reference.
The authors have a Web site with several marriage resources at www.timandjoydowns.com.
September 28, 2010
I read this book over the course of several weeks and it did have some valuable information in it. There were a lot of bible references and it seemed a little preachy, but it makes you stop and think about conflicts and how to overcome them. It did make references to marriage being like a game and penalties and fouls and referees. It also had several pages at the end where spouses can go over and write down items that were talked about in the book that pertain to their marriage and how they can resolve issues. Conflict is ongoing, but we have to learn how to cope with it and resolve our issues.
Here is a good quote from the book (p.118):
"You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being married to you." Richard Needham
Here is a good quote from the book (p.118):
"You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being married to you." Richard Needham
July 4, 2018
While the primary target audience would be married couples, the principles discussed are relevant to almost every other type of relationship (those dating, good friends etc). Though the material is sometimes a little boring and repetitive (which means that the book could possibly have been even more concise with better editing), the thoroughly researched comments and suggested applications are extremely useful.
Stylistically, the layout is simply brilliant. A comic strip starts each chapter, the text is large enough for easy reading and the side column on each page is filled with interesting random information. I borrowed this book from the library and liked it so much that I ended up purchasing one to keep (as a bible school student, we have to be extremely selective in the books we choose to buy/keep otherwise we would end up with many books that we would never pick up again).
Stylistically, the layout is simply brilliant. A comic strip starts each chapter, the text is large enough for easy reading and the side column on each page is filled with interesting random information. I borrowed this book from the library and liked it so much that I ended up purchasing one to keep (as a bible school student, we have to be extremely selective in the books we choose to buy/keep otherwise we would end up with many books that we would never pick up again).
March 11, 2008
Each page is packed with great quotes, scriptures, and information to help a couple work together. I seem to stop after each page trying to let all the information sink in so I don't forget. This is a book you'd enjoy reading page by page with your significant other and I recommend buying it so it's always on your shelf for a quick pick-up and read-as-you-need book.
December 30, 2008
My parents gave me this book when I got engaged and the sage advice not to wait until a blowout argument occurred to start reading it ... I have read bits and pieces, there is some excellent stuff in there!
March 31, 2013
Overall I think this had some great insights and discussion points for couples. Conflict is inevitable, but it doesn't have to break up a marriage. I will use this in my own marriage as well as to help others learn how to better fight in a way that moves the couple toward a better marriage.
October 13, 2008
Learning to fight fair is a good book for marriages and families.
March 15, 2012
Readable. Might be helpful to some, I was not impressed. The layout is a bit distracting. A few of the comics cracked me up.
July 26, 2024
Really good book with tips for creating a plan as a couple to talk about tough topics respectfully and with grace.
May 4, 2013
Lots of great practical tips for young married couples or those that have been at it a while.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews