The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

by Melissa Orlov

An invaluable resource for couples in which one of the partners suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), this authoritative book guides troubled marriages towards an understanding and appreciation for the struggles and triumphs of a relationship affected by it, and to look at the disorder in a more positive and less disruptive way. Going beyond traditional marriage counseling which can often discount the influence of ADHD, this discussion offers advice from the author's personal experience and years of research and identifies patterns of behavior that can hurt marriages-such as nagging, intimacy problems, sudden anger, and memory issues-through the use of vignettes and descriptions of actual couples and their ADHD struggles and solutions. This resource encourages both spouses to become active partners in improving their relationship and healing the fissures that ADHD can cause. Also included are worksheets and various methods for difficult conversations so that couples can find a technique that fits their unique relationship and improve their communication skills.

Genres: Adhd, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Marriage, Audiobook

258 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 1, 2010

About the author

Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books on the impact of ADHD in relationships - The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger) and is considered one of the foremost authorities on the topic. A marriage consultant, Melissa helps ADHD-affected couples from around the world rebalance their relationships and learn to thrive. She also teaches mental health professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov blogs for Psychology Today and at www.adhdmarriage.com, where she also hosts a large community of adults learning about ADHD in relationships. She has been interviewed by the New York Times, CNN, Today, US News and World Report, CBS, AOL, the American Psychological Association Monitor and many others. Ms. Orlov is a cum laude graduate of Harvard College.)

Reviews

[Jenn Fleming-baker · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was more of a hindrance than a help, and somewhat of a downer. The examples are sometimes difficult to relate to and I felt an almost religious feel - a traditional feel for gender roles. I'm still searching for the book that will include ADD, feminism, and add versus abuse. I want to read about the healing stories of people who've learned how not to react to angry outbursts, or spoke with heroic assertiveness when appropriate...found their zen (or Zena) so to speak, with love, respect, and compassion in tact . Better yet, give me one where the non-add partner has their own label, be it anxiety, depression, OCD...anything. Give me a book where partners trust THEMSELVES enough to get through another roller coaster ride, with love. (It's been a tough week).

[Kirsten · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. There's some stuff here that's helpful, but it's a very heteronormative book, and most of the book assumes that the ADHD partner is male and the non-ADHD partner is female. It also doesn't say much about relationships where both partners have ADHD.

[Donloree Hoffman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the first book I have read on the subject of ADHD where the partner is not the coach, mentor, or helper for the person with ADHD. Melissa clears up so many grey areas for people who are married to someone with ADHD. Halfway through the book I found myself crying because I realized I wasn't alone in my struggle to have a healthy relationship despite the effects of ADHD on our marriage. Sorting out what is ADHD and what is the person was the first step towards success. After reading the book, I felt free to be me and live my life and not live to help my husband with his ADHD. Balancing self care with spousal support is important. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is married to someone with ADD or ADHD. Your spouse probably won't read it due to attention issues, but you will suddenly realize you are not alone and that others feel the same way. Knowing your experience is unique but the struggle isn't is one of the best feelings in the world.

[Busy · Rating 2 out of 5]

UNTREATED. One whole star off because the blurb is missing this key word.

Another star off because if I was a normie I wouldn't touch a person with adhd with a ten foot pole after reading this.

And the final star off is just because this book is a major downer that may make you paranoid if you have adhd or hopeless if you are involved with someone who does.

In it's essence this book is a guide for couples in the avoidant/anxious attachment style trap when one partner has undiagnosed/unaddressed adhd and things are very bad. (If you're a normie woman married to an adhd man that is- reverse that and the lone sentence in the book that directly deals with this kind of coupling suggests that men will just divorce the woman instead of trying to compensate or work on the relationship. That's the level of comforting and cheery this book is!)

Unfortunately this doesn't have any practical advice for normie people entering into marriages/LTRs/living with someone who has adhd. Practical tips like how to talk about chores are completely absent. So instead of how to start off right this book entirely deals with picking up the pieces of a broken relationship.

As someone who is self aware and treating her adhd effectively, I basically wish I hadn't picked up this book. For those of you who are actively not treating your adhd nor putting in much work on yourself, this might be something of a ghost of Christmas future wake up call. Otherwise, it may just end up haunting you.

[Polly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read a ton of ADHD books back in 2010 and 2011. Many seem to go on and on about how lazy, stupid, and how horribly irresponsible these "people" are. So this may have been my least favorite although I'm sure that is not the intent of the author. There are really good insights and stories in here but possibly not for the person who has ADHD. I do however remember finding two things helpful. One, that people with extreme ADHD have to be creative in their Marriage. I think one example, the couple lived in separate houses. Now that I'm older, this just seems funny to me rather than threatening. I remember a different book I read, I flipped open to the middle and I'm not kidding you, it said, "If you are turning to this page right now and starting here, you may have ADHD." Now that was a brilliant book. Check out my shelf for some other books I found helpful. Just to be clear, I do have ADD sometimes due to stress. But after all my research, I now see it as a superpower. It's essential for artists, poets, writers, actors, and even soldiers to be "ready" for anything. Just remember that when we are tired, stressed, have small children, or are under certain kinds of durress our focus suffers. I think art and creativity and distractions are needed to refocus us when we need healing and shouldn't be ignored. Granted people with ADHD or similar abilities should be able to process and incorporate a butterfly, an idea, or dodge a stray bullet. However, in the last ten years, I've come full circle and seen ways we can do better if we are built with this amazing gift. So I think any book on the topic is helpful. Read away, and learn techniques to be your best self or work with other people gifted with ADHD. I guess with the best research I see ADD as a strength, so read away. Knowledge is power in this case.

[Mindy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting stories of various couples. Very depressing book, though. Sounded exactly like every ADHD marriage I know. The author's intent was supposedly to show how great ADHD marriages can become if all parties do their part, but those examples didn't really come through with anywhere near the power and punch of the frustration and despair from the couples wrestling with the problem.

[Natalie · Rating 3 out of 5]

All this book really did was tell you to find a doctor that will treat the ADHD and to stop trying to fix your spouse. She could have saved me the time of reading the book by just writing a magazine article with the same information.

[Amy Keyishian · Rating 2 out of 5]

The writing style is excessively chirpy and I really have a hard time believing anything the author says. She seems so anxious to convince me how great her marriage is now. I feel like if I google her I'l find that she's divorced. Anyway, the advice is useless to me because both my husband and I have ADHD and nothing in the book applies to us particularly. I mean it does, but any solution is predicated on the person with ADHD getting treatment, and since my husband can't/won't, what can I do? Also, the advice is of the very standard women's-magazine variety, like "set date nights." We're so far past that. so I dunno.

[Darren Standar · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not bad, as an add-on to solid general books on ADHD (like Dr. Brown's book "Attention Deficit Disorder: the Unfocused Mind") and as a follow-up to Gina Pera's "Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD?" (which is much more comprehensive in scope and much better written).

Otherwise, best for "ADHD-lite" or those relationships where the partner of the ADHD adult has bigger problems than the ADHD adult.

Really, though, a lightweight effort. Based on anonymous comments posted on the author’s blog. In business for years with Hallowell as his marketing strategist. And that’s what this book is, superficial marketing of and from a non-expert. Pandering to the lowest common denominator. It’s well known only due to the marketing. Never underestimate the power of marketing.

[Cal Rutter · Rating 1 out of 5]

So far, about 5 chapters in, it's a lot of good advice that's plagued to hell by heteronormativity. My fiancé and I are gay, trans men, so I found it extremely hard to relate to a lot of the advice. Really, really catered toward straight married couples. Comes across as somewhat narrow-minded. For example, there's a lot of focus on the change of having kids. Which shouldn't even be assumed to be the norm for opposite sex couples. It's annoying.

Still, I have found the words to explain a lot of things to my non-ADHD partner that have helped us some. But is it REALLY necessary to gender the hypothetical partners? Never heard of "they"? Even "he or she" would be miles better. Really, really distracting for me, especially as a trans person.

There's another issue more generalizable to other readers, though. The shameful tone of the book mentioned by others becomes increasingly difficult to ignore as the book goes on. The author talks like the book is only for people who have already been down the wrong path and are looking to get out of it. Not to the other side of the audience, who are people looking to avoid these issues down the road. As a not-yet-married man, I don't need to hear all the ways I'm going to make my fiance sick of me.

The book goes on and on about how hard it is to live with someone with ADHD and not enough about how to make it easier. It just leaves me feeling helpless, hopeless, and ashamed of myself. I really had a lot higher hopes for this book after hearing others swear by it. I think from now on, I'll only take book recommendations from people who actually have ADHD.

I've had more than enough of neurotypicals shaming us and framing it as helping.

EDIT: Quit reading. The issues I mentioned before are too overwhelming for me. If anyone has suggestions on books that explain differences between ADHD and non-ADHD partners better, that would be really appreciated

[Susannah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt like this book was more aimed at traditional type marriages struggling where the man is the one with the ADHD and the woman has to take care of everything. I think it might be helpful for those types of situations but I was looking for more of an advice guide when the woman has ADHD and also hyperfocuses on family and home things. So it wasn't great for me but it might be for others.

[Chris · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's easy to be impressed by the insight in the book if it is your first exposure to ADHD in relationships. However, it's also easy to be impressed by a gypsy psychic's insight, and for similar reasons.

The book and Ms. Orlov's website are geared toward the non-ADHD partner pointing the finger at ADHD because it doesn't fit her subjective view of the world. If you want an excuse to end your relationship buy the book and jump onboard the website. Drink the Koolaid and demand the ADHD partner fall on their sword.

If you actually want to repair your relationship stay far away.

Gina Pera's "Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?" is a more thorough and impartial choice for couples dealing with ADHD. While neither Pera nor Orlov have any formal education in psychiatry or ADHD, Pera's journalism background is embraced and reflected in her unbiased and well researched tone. Orlov's background is kept hidden but she seems to have been some sort of marketing major legacy'd into Harvard.

If you have Pera's book, this one won't have very much new information for you. If you don't have Pera's book, spend your money better and buy that one instead of this one.

[Mo · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was wanting to find out more about ADHD in general and how if effects people, and this was the first book that popped up on Hoopla for me.
First off, I was really annoyed with the voice of the narrator, it was kind of whiny. So I wasn't impressed with the actual voice, but I also wasn't impressed with the voice of the author with regard to how the book was written either. She said that you shouldn't treat people with ADHA like they're children, but I constantly felt like she was talking about them like they were children.
Secondly, some of the advice was sound, but other suggestions were obviously not being provided by a professional. I just finished the book, so the first that comes to mind is her suggestion that people with ADHD might go to bed with their spouse for "cuddle time" and then stay in bed on their phone or laptop until they're ready for bed. Anyone with trouble sleeping knows that you should never look at a screen before bed, especially while you're IN bed. The fact that the author is not actually licensed in any way but is just "experienced" definitely comes through sometimes.
Thirdly, I had a friend of mine with ADHA listen to some of this book with me and he was really put off by it. He agreed with me that it sounded like the author was treating people with ADHA like they were children. He also felt like the people and relationships that the author was highlighting were really severe cases. As an individual with ADHD (severe enough that he was diagnosed as a child) he only mildly identified with the stories that the author was highlighting. He felt that most of what was being said was pretty severe and as an individual with ADHD he certainly didn't want people to associate the individuals that the author highlighted (they seemed pretty dysfunctional to him) with himself.
Finally, the book was too long. I felt like a lot of the stories and information presented was redundant and I got bored with listening to it over and over again. I feel like the book could have been cut down by about a third and still be just as effective.

[Sarah Williamson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Since recieving an ADHD diagnosis this has been the most unhelpful resource i have come across. The perspective of this book is written by a female spouse who does not have ADHD with a male spouse who does. I couldn't relate to the issues in the marriage that the author went into. Most of the issues seemed to be related to a male archetypal role in the marriage. Things like not helping with the children, or not contributing to running the household are not only not relatable, but are not options for a mother of 3 little ones. This was onesided and honestly kind of old fashioned. I couldn't seperate the issues of ADHD in a marriage from the issue of an absent father who contributed almost nothing to the family.

[Lafe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brutally realistic. 100 percent needed. If you have ADHD or are in a relationship will am ADHD effected human... this book is necessary.

[Rachel Hill · Rating 2 out of 5]

My personal situation is likely impacting this review a lot - as is the fact that I listened to this as an audiobook. I almost gave it a 3 star review because of the last fifth of the book finally giving me some useful things to use to strengthen my relationship with my husband - but it was too little too late to recover my opinion of the book.

I am a woman with ADHD and my husband is the non-ADHD spouse. This greatly impacted my ability to relate to most of this book. First, the book is obviously geared for heteronormative relationships (that's fine for me as I am heterosexual) but it would limit the scope for others. But that is where the relatability mainly ends for me. The author tries to account for the "apparent bias" in the book's focus on nonADHD female spouses with ADHD husbands by saying that these are all based on submissions to her website and people submitting issues/questions are usually nonADHD wives having issues with ADHD husbands. She even says that research shows that nonADHD husbands are less likely to reach out for help because they don't usually try to compensate for ADHD wives - and they have a much higher rate of getting divorced (basically if the wife can't do her job as a wife because of ADHD they cut ties and move on).

But even if your examples are only one type, you can at least create advice for those who are outliers (like me). If you are a nonADHD wife needing help for relationship issues with an ADHD husband I bet this is going to be super helpful for you.

But otherwise the book will likely make you feel a bit useless - and that your ADHD is to blame for all of your shortcomings. Most of the advice for the ADHD spouses is "get treatment - medication and therapy". Already tried that - and can't use meds right now because trying to get pregnant again.

One helpful consistent reminder from the first half of the book is how helpful getting consistent exercise is for people with ADHD so I've taken that too heart and prioritized working out - it's made me more likely to want to keep doing stuff at work and home (but I'm getting a little too hyperfocused on it since it's new and exciting again - story of my life).

I also had issues with this because I listened to it as an audiobook. The narration wasn't terrible, but this book is absolutely full of lists - and the lists are pretty redundant in a lot of cases. Or at least they feel redundant in an audiobook. It was really hard to tell what the numbered items were meant to be because I heard them all the time - and they all sounded similar. I think maybe reading them in text would have made them a little easier to sort. But I can't verify that since I only have the audio.

The first half of the book felt super repetitive: wives, you shouldn't nag your husbands and make sure you exercise and get treatment for your likely depression (and don't try to compensate for your husband or treat him like a child); husbands, make sure you exercise and take your meds and get therapy.

Like I said earlier, the last fifth or so is where the actual helpful stuff was found. Things like exploring why anger is present - and how to express it in a healthy way. Also how to communicate with your spouse via "learning conversations" and how to create "code phrases" for when problematic behaviors are interfering with interactions again (like my phone use). There was also helpful advice for keeping relationships engaged by doing new things with your partner - even if they are short. And comments about intimacy and how sexual drive is often different for people with ADHD. All of those things I was able to take to heart and implement in my life. If the entire book has been more like the end, I feel like I would have been more likely to give it a 4 even - but the beginning was so frustrating that I felt like I was slogging through it.

[Anette - Knitting & Audiobooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first book I have read on ADHD and relationships, so I will be cautious on how I proceed.

This bias aside though, I think this book is both informative and provides great tips for an ADHD-i flicted couple.

Melissa describes a lot of the destructive patterns I have wrestled with myself over the years as either my partners or myself has been noticing and suffering under in an ADHD relationship - especially the parent/child dynamic and the ensuing anger/resentment that follows it and many more of the core dynamics which is active in an untreated relation between a couple where one or both suffer from this diagnosis.

Having newly been diagnosed with ADHD myself I have been where some of those couples are. Still - Melissa approach the content mostly from the POV that it's the male who has ADHD and how the female suffers.
I am a female and my partner and I have definitely suffered!

But the author have no mention whatsoever of how ADHD in males versus females express itself. And she uses the ADD/ADHD terms like the wind blows (or so it seems)
Female ADHD is often quite different due to the roles and culture women have - and their challenges, not to mention everything in regards to the hormonal cycles which can play havoc on the female brain with ADHD, especially in the menopause where ADHD can f*CK things up pretty bad if not treated or discovered.

Of course, you can't cover it all.

Most of all this book is how to pull back from the brink of a marriage crisis caused by ADHD. So, if your relationship is in trouble due to this condition and diagnosis... Go read it!

[Emily Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book blew my mind. I felt like someone has been spying on my marriage and made a book about it with answers to our most common miscommunication problems. There were examples of conversations that were almost word for word things I’ve said and heard in almost every chapter.

I know I’ll need to read it again to fully grasp more of the content as it was a lot to take in at once. But i learned so much and understand where my pitfalls are coming from in frustrating conversations that have seemed to happen over and over with my spouse. In short this book gave me hope of learning a communication language we can both speak.

[Joline · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sexist drivel that assumes cultural expectations of men to be irresponsible fathers and cheaters can be blamed on ADHD. Ignored the sexism of the typical ADHD diagnosis because females and non cis het males present different than th the males the diagnosis was developed for. Women can be ADHD too!! FFS...don't waste your time.

[Carrie Sykes · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has a very narrow view of what it's like to actually have ADHD. I understand it was written from the perspective of a non-ADHD person, but for someone who's supposedly an expert, it felt very tone deaf. The book did not examine queer relationships at all and largely depicted only the traditional white, male experience of ADHD. It felt more representative of gendered roles than actual ADHD experiences. The author's husband's unsupportive behavior and unwillingness to share household chores was blamed squarely on ADHD rather than recognizing the huge patriarchal influence society has on these gendered roles. As a woman with ADHD married to a neurotypical man, it has always been an expectation that I run the household despite the fact I also work full time. I've done a brilliant job of running the home, managing the schedules of myself, my husband, and 4 children, and staying on top of the medical needs of a medically complex child. The book completely overlooks the experiences of late diagnosed women who have masked the entirety of their lives. Our challenges are much more related to burn out than to distractibility or impulsivity. There is no queer representation whatsoever. The book is also tone deaf to the experiences of people who don't have boat loads of money to go on bike riding trips to Europe. It simply isn't feasible for people with lower incomes to "try something new with each other" on a regular basis. I felt there were a few helpful suggestions, but by and large the book was oblivious to the experiences of anyone who isn't a straight, middle-upper class, white person.

[Rachel Teslow · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is a great read for those in a relationship with someone with ADHD. Obviously not all of the information was relevant and sometimes it made me sad hearing how other couples talked about each other, but I thought the book provided great perspectives and tips for those with ADHD and those without ADHD.

[Andrea Veenstra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is a wonderful book, and not just for ADHD relationships, but for any married couple who are not clones of each other! I am so happy I was gifted this book.
I also loved the format and ease of picking the book up and down. The segments were well structured and very easy to read and understand.
Highly recommend!

[Samantha Seidl · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you or your partner has adhd this is a great read regardless of if you’re full blown fighting, just have annoyances, or just want to better understand each other. There’s explanations and real life strategies for change (for both partners)

[Jordan Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was full of helpful tips and tricks for living with with a partner with ADHD. Lots of different examples and stories.

[Bianca · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's really insightful and full of useful guiding advice.

[Annice · Rating 1 out of 5]

Please do not read this book. At least not yet. This book is harmful.

First, The author is not a licensed therapist or qualified counselor. She is not a mental health, psychological or behavioral professional. She has good intentions in this book, but unfortunately intentions do little to protect or assist people in need of support in relationships.

What I would recommend you do first is read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft, who has 25 years of experience working in his field.
Why should you read the first? Because about 90% of “The ADHD effect on marriage” actually describes abusive behavior.

For example, page 125 “ADHD symptoms and anger” lists different behaviors the author believes someone with ADHD might exhibit in a relationship. The reality is that arguing about little things, skipping over topics, being defensive and blaming, and being quick to anger are all abusive behaviors. Stating these behaviors as symptoms of ADHD in your romantic partner is harmful to people who are not fully aware of the scope of abuse.

Moreover, the author spends much of the time sharing what other authors have written. I hope I will at least get 2 helpful book suggestions from reading this book.

The only advice in this book I found helpful was reinforcement that marriage meetings should be happening once or twice a week, and the use of index cards to support the “ADHD partner” index card system.

I do hope the author will learn more about abusive behavior in intimate relationships so she can try to course-correct away from this book.

[Sallee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good, with tips that help, but I do wish there were less of an emphasis on the work being done by the non-ADHD spouse. Perhaps it is the case that the wife (because the author IS the non-ADHD spouse) takes on more of the responsibility to make things work, but it rankled this feminist soul a bit.

I get it. He has ADHD. Don't give him an excuse (or let him use it as an excuse). I'd think it would be more helpful to assist in coming up with methods that might help (that HE thinks will help), and then helping him set goals, and be accountable (without being mean-spirited).

Again. She is the non-ADHD spouse, so that's the point of view she takes. It's a good read, and there are a lot of good ideas here.

[ash · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF-ing this because the information about ADHD is stuff I already know and all of the personal anecdotes are not really about coping with a spouse with ADHD but instead learning to tolerate a husband who uses his ADHD as an excuse to not participate in his marriage and household. As always, I am absolutely stunned by the behavior and treatment that heterosexual women will simply tolerate in their lives because they think they're supposed to or they can't imagine anything different. Y'all have got to love yourselves too much to live like this, let alone write a book trying to teach other women to do it too.

[Shandra Lohndorf · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband has ADHD and I am the non-ADHD spouse. We have been married for 15 years and just recently separated. This book might as well have been written about our relationship. It was a real eye opener for both him and I and with some work, gives me hope for our future. Full of easy to understand tips and tricks for rebuilding the most important aspects of any relationship. I would recommend this book to any relationship affected by ADHD!

[Vivian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Life changing