How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

by Patricia Love, Steven Stosny

Men are right. The “relationship talk” does not help. Dr. Patricia Love’s and
Dr. Steven Stosny’s How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness:

Love is not about better communication.
It's about connection.

You'll never get a closer relationship
with your man by talking to him like you
talk to one of your girlfriends.

Male emotions are like women's sexuality:
you can't be too direct too quickly.

There are four ways to connect with a man:touch, activity, sex, routines.

Men want closer marriages just as much as women do,but not if they has to act like a woman.

Talking makes women move closer;
it makes men move away.

The secret of the silent male is this:
his wife supplies the meaning in his life.

The stunning truth about love is that talking doesn’t help.

Have you ever had this conversation with your spouse?

Wife: “Honey, we need to talk about us.”
Husband: “Do we have to?”

Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have studied this all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women and have reached a truly shocking conclusion. Even with the best of intentions, talking about your relationship doesn’t bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart.

The reason for this is that underneath most couples’ fights, there is a biological difference at work. A woman’s vulnerability to fear and anxiety makes her draw closer, while a man’s subtle sensitivity to shame makes him pull away in response. This is why so many married couples fall into the archetypal roles of nagging wife/stonewalling husband, and why improving a marriage can’t happen through words.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It teaches couples how to get closer in ways that don’t require “trying to turn a man into a woman.” Rich in stories of couples who have turned their marriages around, and full of practical advice about the behaviors that make and break marriages, this essential guide will help couples find love beyond words.

Genres: Relationships, Marriage, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Personal Development

255 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads database.

Reviews

[Frankie Paige · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a dumpster fire of a book. Anachronistically 1950s gender-proscriptive and based on a faulty premise that people's fear and shame are given and forever. The advice it dispenses is harmful throughout, and would be extremely detrimental to anyone struggling with codependency and maintaining healthy boundaries, but it's the worst in the chapter about sex, where it confidently assures the reader that marital rape is fine if it helps the abuser stay healthy and happy.

Full disclosure: I first read this 4 years ago, and thought it had a lot of good ideas. I implemented them all. From lovingly fixing my husband in my thoughts, to offering him more opportunities to succeed, to always considering his perspective, to making things a little better and transforming any negative emotions into positive action, to having sex WHENEVER he wanted.

I also continued with therapy, learning about healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and developing a strong, fun-loving sense of self. THE HARDER I WORKED at improving and enjoying my marriage, the more dissatisfied my husband became with me and our relationship. Four years later, we're getting divorced.

In those four years, I have learned to live with my fear, to take responsibility for it and to find creative, life-affirming ways in which to overcome it. And so I grew more joyful, adventurous and comfortable in my own skin.

Having done that for myself, I saw that there was no reason why my husband had to stay living in his shame and expecting me to pander to it, tiptoe around it, and excuse his bad behavior. He had the power and the responsibility to grow up emotionally. I was ready and happy to validate his feelings, but I was no longer going to manage them for him, and absolutely not okay with him taking out his upsets on me and our child.

So be careful with this book. Make sure it's not prolonging your self-denial. If your partner isn't willing to come on this journey with you, ask yourself what it is about your relationship that makes your partner comfortable with something that doesn't meet your needs.

Emotional labor is labor. Like chores and child-rearing, it's got to be shared.

[Cara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Devoured this book as quickly as possible in my eagerness to find out what the authors had to say about how to fix everything. It was the "without talking" part that got me--of course, I want to talk about everything all the time, but that's really hard. It's also nearly infeasible in the reality of my current relationship. The idea that I could fix the relationship myself without complaining or struggling any more--or even having to bother the other person!--sounds really enticing, if a little too good to be true. The authors make a very good case, though. Everything they say certainly feels true and seems to make sense.

The basic idea here is that women are driven by fear, mainly fear of being abandoned/alone; and men are driven by shame, mainly shame of perceived failure, including failure to protect us and make us happy. The bad news is women's natural anxiety makes men feel like they're failing as protectors, so they feel shame, so they pull away in order to get away from that feeling, so we feel abandoned, so they feel even more like they're failing, etc.--vicious cycle. But, according to the authors, what both men and women really want is to feel connected to our partners. Guys really do care very much and want that very much. They just go about it in a totally different way than we do, or our way drives them away by overstimulating them and/or triggering shame. So, instead of trying to get closer by talking about things, we should focus on feeling close and not try to talk about things until we've accomplished that. Also, whenever we feel afraid or guys feel ashamed, that's a big clue to know that the other person is feeling the other thing, so we all need to be nice to each other. If you focus on having compassion for how the other person is feeling, you can feel better quickly and everything eases almost automatically.

The biggest way to do that is to "step into the puddle"--take the time to empathize with your partner and meet him/her where they are. Don't try to fix or change it, just be with it. To do this for a guy, accept his silence, make a physical gesture of unity, and be ready to do something he's good at.

Also, note that there are three ways to move relative to someone: approach, avoid, or attack. People sense which one of these you're doing, regardless of what words, tone of voice, or other dressings you put on top. To strengthen your relationship, maximize the times when you're approaching and minimize the times you're avoiding or attacking.

Choose to feel close to the other person as much as you can, focus on what you love and appreciate about him/her, hug 6x/day for 6 seconds apiece, and make a commitment to showing your love in a specific way every day.

A few points that make it all click for me:
- We can sense each other's fear/shame even when we don't talk about it. That's why trying to act non-needy doesn't work.
- Guys are very easily startled and overstimulated. They shut down and stonewall because they're flooded and can't handle any more, not because they hate us or something.
- It's normal for women to be afraid of isolation--that's how we're wired biologically, and society reinforces it.
- It's normal for men to be really attached to their routines and feel content as long as their mate is somewhere around. Routines save them from having to think about everything all the time, leaving precious brain resources for getting work done and stuff like that. And they feel most secure in the relationship when the woman is around but not necessarily interacting. They just want to relax and not have to be any particular way.
- According to this book, women provide the meaning for what men do. It's empty without us. I wouldn't be convinced of this, but I remember also reading it in He: Understanding Masculine Psychology
- When men feel something, they have to do something. It's physically uncomfortable for them not to. That's why it's so much easier to talk while walking or driving--it gives him something to do and spares him from looking directly at each other the whole time.


…


It's been a month now since I read this book, and although it didn't help fix my relationship, it did provide me with one gem: the advice to look for any tiny way to make the situation a little bit better (IMPROVE), and then use the energy from feeling a little bit better to make another tiny improvement, which will make you feel a little better yet, and so on. I've been super depressed for months now, and that advice has been really helpful in trying to pull myself out of it.


Highlights:
Women want to talk about the relationship because they're upset and want to feel better. Men don't want to talk because talking won't make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and disconnected. This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument or cold silence, fueling your disappointment or resentment. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart. location 70

The real reason the woman wants to talk about it—beneath the resentment and frustration—is that disconnection makes her feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid. The real reason the man doesn't want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways—by talking and not talking—all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache. location 76

Believe it or not, research and clinical experience show that the majority of men, including those who ignore or take their partners for granted, want a closer and deeper emotional connection just as much as women do. For the most part, men regard their partners as their best friends, closest confidantes, and the most important people in their lives. And despite stereotypes about roving eyes and midlife crises, most men are satisfied with their partners' appearances. In fact, the majority do not want the women in their lives to change in any significant way. location 88

Marlene's shame can be summed up this way: “If I fail, no one will help, love, or comfort me.” But Mark is likely to feel: “If I fail, I won't be able to help, love, or comfort myself and I won't be worthy of your help, love, or comfort.” location 278

Despairing men tend to use suicide to escape failure at work, which stimulates the deeper shame of inadequacy as a provider and protector, while desperate women try to escape isolation. A woman might think of suicide if she feels that no one loves her; a man will do it if he feels that he deserves no one's love, because he's a failure. location 316

Men feel happier and more secure at home when their wives are there with them. And the reason they feel this way is that their wives provide the meaning of life. The man's routine works when she's there. location 774

Men don't realize that a woman's fear of isolation and deprivation can be triggered by leaving her out of any number of important aspects of his life. location 1062

Read You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One. location 1222

Chemistry plus exclusivity equals an affair. If you are spending time alone with someone you are attracted to for the sole purpose of getting to know this person or because it is enjoyable, you are playing with fire. Privacy allows for intimate conversation and activities that otherwise would be limited. One tip-off that you are starting down the slippery slope is a desire not to let your spouse know how much you think about this fascinating individual. location 1292

The chemical bath your brain enjoys during infatuation is a powerful regulator of fear and shame. Under normal circumstances, Nicole's fear and Donald's shame would have inhibited their attraction to each other. But once they allowed their emotions to attune to each other under the cover of privacy, the inhibitory power of their fear and shame vanished. This sharp reduction of the influence of fear and shame is why, when infatuated, you feel so confident and proud while doing things that you might otherwise find fear-invoking or shameful. location 1300

Your commitment to your relationship requires that you not let your partner ignore you. location 1358

The easiest way to keep true to your core values is to invoke what we call the four core value inspirations: IMPROVE APPRECIATE CONNECT PROTECT location 1426

When you are upset, angry, or resentful, try to focus less on what your partner is doing and ask yourself these questions: Am I acting like the person I most want to be? If not, what can I do to act like that person? Answer: Improve (make it a little better), appreciate, connect, or protect. Am I being the partner I want to be? If not, what can I do to be that kind of partner? Answer: Improve (make it a little better), appreciate, connect, or protect. location 1505

The good news is that your own fear or shame is the most reliable signal that your partner is also feeling vulnerable and that he or she is in need of compassion just as much as you are. location 1515

Before you start to deal with the content around the hurt—what specifically is triggering the fear or shame—you must find a nonverbal way to connect and show that you value each other. location 1528

Here's the first step in overcoming resentment. Write down the following statements and read them out loud. (We ask you to write them down because they get into your unconscious more quickly that way, and we ask you to read them aloud because you are more committed to them if you do, particularly if you read them aloud in front of another person.) My emotional well-being is important to me. My emotional well-being is more important than everything I resent. My emotional well-being is more important than anyone else's bad behavior. My relationship is more important than everything I resent and worthy of appreciation, time, energy, effort, and sacrifice. location 1614

The natural compassion that couples have for each other gives way to a defensive resentment as they begin to expect the other to let them down or hurt them in some way. They get trapped in a rigid, monocular vision that makes the beloved seem like an opponent rather than a partner. location 1950

She needs an internal mechanism of raising her self-value when it drops precipitously, such as thinking of the most important things about her as a person, feeling the love she has for the important people in her life, feeling her spiritual connection, imagining something she thinks is beautiful in nature, her favorite art or music, sense of friendship and community, and compassionate things she has done. When she can do that, her negotiations with her husband will be about a behavior request, not her value as a person, and the emotional intensity will vanish. location 1985

Healthy emotional attunement requires you to manage your own fear, dread, insensitivity, and the negative judgments that go with them. If you're a woman, it requires that you tune in to your man's dread of shame. If you do this, something magical will happen. As you focus on his dread of shame rather your own resentment, you will lower your own fear and increase the likelihood of connection. Likewise, men must tune in to their partner's anxiety. Guys, if you focus on her fear rather than your urge to withdraw, you will lower your discomfort and increase the likelihood of connection. location 2224

The bottom line is: Be there with your partner's feelings. Don't ignore them, try to “fix it,” or try to talk about it or drag him or her out of it. Many times, stepping into the puddle with the man in your life involves simply noticing his discomfort and honoring his space with silence and support. location 2251

In general the formula for stepping into the puddle with a male is: Make some physical gesture that you're there with him. Be available to do something that he's good at. This replaces his sense of failure with a sense of competence and mastery. location 2281

You have a much better chance of connecting (reducing your anxiety and soothing his shame) by activating his protectiveness, and you have the best chance of doing that by exposing your own shame. Try something like: “Sometimes I really feel like a failure. People don't respect me, and I'm not all I could be as a lover.” location 2349

Your partner responds almost exclusively to your motivations and hardly ever to your goals and intentions. When reacting to your avoid or attack mode your partner, children, and people in general are unlikely even to notice your goals and intentions and even less likely to care about them. People respond to the emotional tone of your motivation—what it feels like on the receiving end. Avoid and attack feel devaluing. That's why your attempts to clarify your goals and intentions will always fail, unless you change your motivation to approach, to wanting to understand and appreciate his or her perspective rather than influence, control, or manipulate it. location 2457

The Power Love Formula
- Fix your partner firmly in your heart during four crucial times of the day.
- Hug your partner six times a day for six seconds.
- Hold positive thoughts about your relationship.
- Make a contract to hand out love with compassion and generosity. location 2749

To remind yourself of the emotional lifeline connecting you and your partner, write the following sentence on a piece of paper and carry it with you wherever you go. Make a second copy and give it to your partner. MY LIFELINE TO YOU These are the ways I am deeply connected to you. (Examples: My life has more meaning because of you. We have a rich history together. When I am troubled, you are the one who comforts me.) If you imagine yourself constantly connected by an invisible lifeline, your whole emotional demeanor around your partner will change for the better. location 2822

Even with the best intentions and relationship skills in the world, you will not completely avoid triggering your partner's shame or fear. Fortunately, there is a way to quickly recover and reconnect when this happens and the inevitable disconnection occurs. The added bonus of reconnecting in the manner we suggest is that it greatly reduces the probability that you will do it again. We call the process the three R's: RECOGNITION REMORSE REPAIR location 2836

[David Rubenstein · Rating 4 out of 5]

The basic premise is that women like to talk about relationships, but men do not. A closer relationship does not necessarily come from better communication; it comes from a better connection. While talking helps move women closer, it drives men further away. In fact, requiring more communication may actually ruin a marriage, even one where both husband and wife loves and cares for one another. Men want closer marriages just as much as women; they just don't want to have to behave like a woman in order to achieve it.

This book brings a refreshing insight into how to make a marriage last, and grow stronger. It describes how to improve connections between a husband and wife. The number one concern among women is fear for security, both physical and financial. The number one concern among men is the fear of being shamed. This book goes into some detail about how a husband and a wife can assuage their partner's fears. It gives lots of practical advice about how to establish or improve connections. Sometimes the advice seems a bit anti-intuitive. But, on reflection, it turns out to be a healthy dose of common sense--if you accept the authors' basic premise.

If you are in a marriage that can stand some improvement, I heartily recommend this book. Men and women are not alike; this book emphasizes the differences, and shows how to take advantage of those differences.

[Kari · Rating 1 out of 5]

While I felt this book had some valid points, and I am on board with the whole shame/fear dynamic, the repetitiveness became tedious. I also felt that the book implies that feelings will make men feel shame and women feel fear, which we need to be hypersensitive to and guess is happening all the time, so rather than adult communication, everyone should be tiptoe around each other and have sex...even if we don't want to.

Also, it seemed super negative towards women. Most negative examples were about women. I kept feeling like, according to this book, women usually seem to be at the heart of the marital problems. Even the weaknesses attributed towards men didn't really seem to be their fault because it's the women making them feel shame when they just want to protect. I mean the example of the abusive husband implied that he was that way because the woman triggered his shame feelings and so his over-stimulation and cortisol-dump threw his instincts into overdrive????!!!

The implementation of the strategies isn't as helpful as I would want, as well. You're told, you need to have binocular vision, and do this, and feel empathy, and do that. And on the points that I agreed with, I think, "yeah I want to do that" but when I try to think of how I would actually do that in the moment, I really have no idea.

I was pretty happy when this book was over.

[AJ · Rating 1 out of 5]

Another book that plays off of stereotypes of men and women.

When I saw this book on the library website, I didn't think it would be that way. So I was really disappointed when I got the requested book, and read the cover.

I'm sure some of their advice is useful, but honestly, if they need to envelope good advice in a pillow of gender-based insults, then I don't need to read it, or try any of their advice. Based on their assumptions, all relationships with two men are absolutely perfect, because what ruins a relationship is a woman who wants to talk about their feelings all the time! (sarcasm ahead...) Well, since a relationship between two men never has problems, their premise is obviously true.

The problem with the stereotypes of men and women that are perpetuated in relationship books is that not all people fit into these descriptions. Some people do, and that's why the stereotypes persist. I would love to see a book about relationships that follows the following principles:
1. No gender-based assumptions
2. No assumptions on what the genders are in a relationship

I can't imagine it would be that difficult! Someone write this book, please! :)

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I got through as much of this book as I could stomach. At best, I think it reinforces archaic stereotypes. The authors assume all men want more sex and don’t like talking because it makes them feel shame. Women talk way too much because they are insecure. Ugh!!! At its worst, I think this book could reinforce a victim (female or male) to stay in an abusive relationship.

Not communicating will not save your marriage and foster connection. Learning how to communicate with your partner effectively will help you understand one another and possibly bring you closer.

A better choice: Try attending a Gottman workshop with your partner. Or read: The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John and NaN Gottman
Another book that I absolutely love is: Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

And they said husbands don't come with manuals. Ha!

If nothing else, just read the items on the back cover of the book.

As it turns out, I was witnessing many of the behaviors discussed in the book, but responding in unhelpful ways. I'm not ashamed to say that up until my marriage I was inexperienced with long-term relationships, and that I learned a TON from this book.

I had read a library book but bought a copy and intend to reread it soon. Since I intend to find and replace my own unhelpful behaviors, this book needs to be around for occasional reference. It also helped me start to see the relationship from my husband's perspective, which I really had no idea how to do, and which is one of the key behaviors of lasting relationships discussed in the book.

I appreciate that the book is for everybody, whether you're a man or a woman in a relationship with a man or a woman. You read it for what it means to you.

This is a fun, easy read, and I seriously believe that if everyone just read the list on the back of the book there would be more peace in the world.

Now, how to get my husband to read it...

[Петър Стойков · Rating 5 out of 5]

Когато имате проблеми във връзката, трябва да ги обсъдите с партньора си, нали? Да седнете, да поговорите като големи хора. А ако не стане, може да отидете на семейна терапия, дето с помощта на терапевта... да поговорите още.

Защо ли мисълта за подобно нещо ме изпълва с ужас, както и всеки мъж? И защо ли резултатът, за толкова много жени, от цялото това говорене, е ред сълзи, ред сополи след поредната провалена връзка? Защо ли винаги говоренето се свежда до опити на жената да комуникира с мъжа, който се опитва всячески да не го прави, а когато най-после му писне и почнат "да говорят", става мазало?

Ами защото да седнеш и да поговориш с някого като големи хора не е толкова лесно, когато става дума за емоции, които превръщат всички ни в малки ядосани деца, а често направо в примати.

Затова, според авторите на книгата, двойка семейни терапевти, е много по-важно какво правите, а не какво говорите. Проблемите във връзката (в книгата става дума конкретно за брака, но е приложимо и другаде) по-скоро се задълбочават във времето от постоянното им ръчкане, защото мъжете и жените изхождат от коренно различни фундаменти в това обсъждане и резултатите от него рядко са положителни.

Възможно е и двамата да имат най-доброто желание да решат проблема, да се обичат и въпреки това резултатът от "обсъждането" да е гняв и скандали, защото за мъжете основната движеща емоция когато има проблем е срам, а при жените - страх (описано е доста по-добре, отколкото го обяснявам).

Затова авторите дават рецепти как да преодолеем както всекидневни дразнения, така и хронични проблеми във връзката и брака без да ги "обсъждаме", а с простички действия и думи, които показват на партньора ни, че всъщност държим на него и той е важен за нас.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

The info in this book changes my understanding of interactions I have with many people, not just my dh. I put this book right up there with "The Five Love Languages."

"The worst thing a woman does to a man: shaming. The worst thing a man does to a woman: leaving her alone." I think this applies to a lot of little kids, too. My son, for example, has a strong reaction to any indication that he's done something wrong, sometimes to the point where he runs out of the room because it is so painful to deal with it. My girls are much more upset by the thought of a timeout or something similar.

I think this is profound:
"If you're a woman and you're feeling resentful, angry, anxious or afraid and your partner's not helping, he is trying to avoid feeling shame. Your anxiety = his sense of inadequacy or failure. Your anxiety is your most reliable signal of his sense of shame."
"If you're a man and you're feeling resentful, angry, sulky, or withdrawn and your partner's not helping, she is feeling anxious. Your irritation = her fear. Your irritation is your most reliable signal of her fear of isolation or deprivation."

[Aj · Rating 1 out of 5]

TERRIBLE book. relies on patriarchal, sexist tropes about how men and women communicate, and how people of either gender (assuming you buy into the gender binary) derive self-worth. if this book was recommended to you by a therapist, find a new therapist.

[Shannon Canaday · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd forgotten I read this because I had to track down a used physical copy from Amazon.

My husband and I have a great relationship, we've been together 10 years with far more ups than downs but I felt like there was room to learn and to modify our behaviour and how we interact with each other and our own thoughts.

The basic premise here is that most of what women think/say/do is based in fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of not being enough, fear of not being taken care of, fear of being left and that fear manifests itself as resentment, anger and nagging. Then, most of what men think/say/do is based in shame. Shame for not being manly enough, shame about sex and their sex lives, shame regarding finances, shame at not being good enough and finally shame around being usurped as the "man of the house".

I'm not in for traditional gender roles, man of the house, little lady nonsense for the most part but when I look at some of my behaviour (fear driven and resentful) and how it can directly inspire shame in my husband (leading to behaviours from him that bother me), I knew that I had to make a change myself. This book maintains that even if only one of you reads it and makes the change (majority being women), the effect trickles down. I completely agree that it does work that way although it is still helpful if the male partner also reads the book.

Men have to feel important and needed and desired. And we strong, focused, driven, independent women can end up making our husbands feel completely irrelevant. When you add to that, that the more the wife does (or in some cases re-does after her hubby does it), the less the husband is going to want to do. Because if he does whatever and it gets critiqued or redone, that inspires.........shame! And men will do a lot to avoid feeling shamed. Including doing nothing. As far as women, rather than risk feeling unloved and alone, we put our barriers up and drill at our husbands for all the things that they didn't do to make us feel supported....which delivers shame to them. It's a vicious, nasty circle and it makes complete sense!

To any women that are feeling resentful that their husbands don't do more, love more, hug more, be sweet more...........read this book. It is completely possible that our fear of not receiving these things creates shame-walls that our hubbies simply won't approach. Read the book!

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

It doesn't happen often with this type of book, but I'm impressed. Regardless of where you're at - be it married, in a relationship, or looking for that "someone special", I suggest everyone check out this book. Yes, I know it's a self-help book. Read it anyway. Yes, I know it generalizes your gender and, therefore, generalizes your issues/shortcomings/patterns of behavior. Read it anyway. Yes, I know a lot of reviewers insist that the authors insist women act like Jesus and simply turn the other cheek and love her man even more when he hurts her feelings. That's bullsh*t, I didn't recoil once. So, yeah, read it anyway.

[Meg Berlin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I cannot stress the enough- this was the worst book I have ever read. The authors sprinkle in “studies” to validate their claims that a woman is best kept quiet. However, their citation or reference page does not seem to exist. One chapter encourages a wife to give into sex to appease her husband to improve the marriage. The book is centered around 1950 gender roles and outdated values. As a therapist, I urge anyone to only use this book for one reason - kindling for a winter fire.

[Keenan Crone · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book may be useful for a specific scope of couples. The main premise of looking at relationships through the fear-shame dynamic is a useful way to think of things, it was even a helpful frame of reference for me when I first started this book. However, as some other reviews here have pointed out there are also some dangerous ideas or oversights that could be damaging to people in abusive relationships. That being said, I might recommend this to a couple I knew if I felt comfortable that there were no major underlying traumas or other psychological issues in the relationship that could lead to abuse. But only if I knew the couple well enough to know this for certain. Usually what I see as most people's issue in relationships is learning to love one's self, in which case they are usually with the wrong person to begin with, and this book would cause more harm than good.

Perhaps the core of this book's failing is its lack of belief in the ability of man to evolve. The way this book frames relationships is extremely simplistic, it even makes constant reference to cavemen and survival instincts.

I now think of this a bit differently, but since it is still relevant the rest of my original review is below:



This entire book is repeating this same idea of fear-shame over and over in different contexts. If this was a short article conveying this simple concept I would give it three stars, even if it was as repetitive it would get two. The furthur downgrade from there is due to the demeaning tone in which the authors continue to address the reader throughout the book. On page 207 the authors think it neccesary to include the sentence "That's right." after telling you that compassion is required in a relationship. As if that is supposed to be a revelatory moment at this late point in the book. The whole tone of the book, especially the second half, is like this; maybe some people are thick enough to need this much bludgeoning but I have a hard time imagining those people.

The first exercise of identifying the things from your life that have caused you to live in fear or shame was fairly useful, but afterwards that the exercises get simpler and redundant.

I'm sure this isn't the first book to talk about a fear shame dynamic in relationships, and there are many other useful concepts in psychology that could be put towards relationships. If I find the book that does this better I will come back and recommend it here.

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is what would result if Brene Brown became a marriage counselor. Kinda weird to review this publicly, but I promise I did not originally check this out for direct self-help! It was recommended from mustbethistalltoride.com which I think I found from some rabbit hole-ing off of advice columns that I read regularly.

It's quite interesting though, definitely different from pretty much any other advice on heterosexual relationships/marriages that I've come across before, and overall...rings true. Must be able to not immediately take issue with "men and women are different" as the underpinning of the argument, though really given the genre, they did pretty well at not being offensive about it and talking about how there are slight differences between different sexes at birth that we probably exacerbate a ton in how we raise girls and boys differently. I've been trying to make more eye contact with my son ever since. It probably also helps that I'm ok with looking at the behavior descriptions to try them on for size and consider how apt they might be regardless of the gender they're attributing it to.

I also really appreciate that there was not very much excess padding. The core idea is that men and women have instinctive behaviors in response to shame or fear (respectively) and that these behaviors drive people in relationships apart from each other, even when both people actually have a broader goal of wanting to connect and be together. But they actually explore this from enough different angles that it's illustrative and not just filling up pages, and there are exercises that you're supposed to go through to help apply the ideas to real life.

Major weakness is since everything is so revolving around genders, this almost makes it seem like same-sex marriages would not have problems? Also, while I prefer advice that wants people to buck up and focus on what's within your own control, its "you should just focus on improving your own contributions to the marriage" could quite clearly be quite dangerous in an abusive situation, and that's just not addressed at all. That seems a little irresponsible.

I'm adding it to my "parenting" shelf because I think people who are about to have and raise a kid together actually really should read something like this along with any other baby books.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book’s thesis really resonated with me: through small differences in biology and socialization, women tend to be most activated by emotions of fear while for men, it’s shame. Women may respond to their fears of isolation and deprivation by trying to talk about relationship problems verbally, which can in turn trigger a strong shame response in their male partner (“Great, here are all the things she thinks I’m failing at.”) The authors encourage focusing on building connection through other means than airing grievances: through focusing on positive thoughts about your partner (which affects your subliminal body language), connecting physically, and performing kind gestures. The fundamental need is for connection and reassurance, and it’s often an erroneous assumption on our parts that talking is the only way to accomplish that.

I’ve absolutely been a “let’s air our grievances!” girlie in the past so it was super helpful to learn more about why this approach has not historically worked for me. The recommendation to focus on connection certainly seems to check out from a psychology/positive reinforcement perspective. I thought there were a lot of great takeaways to apply from this book!

[Bibliophilic Word Nerd · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book, as per the title, suggests that not talking about things is desirable. Though I disagree, there is some insight into the differences between how men and women communicate: both verbally and non-verbally. For that it is worth finding a used copy. And the small insights and a few of the practical tips earned it two stars.

Warning: your man may decide never to talk about anything ever again believing as the book suggests that women must understand that whole Venus/Mars thing and that it is incumbent on the woman to accept his way of communicating and not the other way around. BAH

[Morgan Forsythe · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dnf. Some of the themes around ways partners speak to and understand each other resonated with me. It's obviously "not actually about the dishes" But it also felt like a dated worldview, and the answers lying with just the woman changing bothered me. It didn't seem founded on mutual growth and respect, but rather the woman understanding what the man needs to feel respected and unshamed and, in giving him that, helping them be on the same page. Meh.

[Emily · Rating 1 out of 5]

Nope gross

[Brennan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Professionally, I really can't recommend this book to my clients because they will wonder why in the world they are coming to see me. haha

Personally, I found the book pretty insightful. There is a gender dichotomy that will not work for everyone. The authors note this - and try to avoid stereotyping, but on occasion, they fall into the inevitable gender trap. Outside of this, there are some very practical strategies to improving one's marriage which I think would be helpful for any couple.

With regards to gender, I am much more like the women described in the book - wanting to talk about my relationship to try to make it better, while my partner is much more like the men in the book - not wanting to have that continual conversation. I learned a lot from this - and now just focus on making my marriage better by working at it instead of continually talking about it!

[Sydney Austad · Rating 1 out of 5]

How to improve your marriage without actually being married:

Let me begin by making clear that this book is recommendation from my mother. I hope when your (now married) mother recommends books to you, it isn’t a book on how to save a marriage.

That aside, the book perpetuates gender norms, and instead of men addressing toxic masculinity fostering a culture of men who can’t express vulnerable emotion and effectively connect, we should tip toe around emotional conversations that emasculate them by challenging them to be sensitive. Apparently it’s not their fault— they are hardwired to feel this way. I can’t help wonder to what degree this is rooted gender-based assumptions for a person’s roles in a heterosexual relationship than in true human nature.

Most importantly, I just shouldn’t have picked up a book centered around psychoanalysis to begin with (being that I believe psychoanalysis is gross and fake science). Let’s review: Sigmund Freud is the father of psychoanalysis and his “theories” will make up a bulk of any psych class taken and his work cited by psychoanalysts for ever and ever as the sacred vade mecum for understanding about others what they possibly couldn’t understand about themselves (if not.. you’re in DENIAL— a convenient secret weapon built in to psychoanalysis to refute any opposition). How are we all forgetting that Freud is only a genius if you cherry-pick his teachings; big picture Freud is kind of a sick fuck (like Feynman was a raging sexist and I still respect his work, but HEAR ME when I say that this is the kind of thing that makes me hesitate to hold Freud in high esteem). But sure, cite the theories you like. And so was born psychoanalysis.

That brings me to my next concern with psychoanalysis. A theory in science seeks to explain the natural world using the reproducible scientific method and construction of supporting evidence doesn’t leave room for other explanations. Let me use my favorite example of Dr. Love’s scientific method from the book: studies demonstrate that female infants are better at maintaining prolonged eye contact than male infants. Parents, in response, must therefore spent less time participating in close intimate behavior with their male infants. Males, those tortured souls, are therefore, in their greater propensity for stress response and hyperarousal are, from birth, overwhelmed by intimacy and associate it with the shame and pain of affection voids during infancy, which they carry with them into adulthood by averting constructive conversions about feelings and relationships. If it were that easy to prove something in science, it wouldn’t hurt so bad to think about my year and half of fruitless unpublished undergrad research.

It’s also worth wondering whether the human psyche is even an aspect of the natural world fit for scientific evaluation in the first place? And even if you could call it true science, defining the boundaries of how people’s brains do or don’t work doesn’t sit well with me.

**That is not that say that the field of psychology isn’t valuable. Psychology is a way of connecting us, feeling heard, and creating language and tools for our feelings and behaviors. One of my favorite things about growing up in Gen X is the openness for talking about mental health and rivaling mental health stigmas. Everyone should try therapy**

Mom (there’s a 1/7 chance you’re reading this): I’m sorry I wrote a scathing review your book. I hope your marriage improves with or without talking about it. I know you like it because you adhere to the school of thought that the only way you have the power to solve your problems is by changing your own behavior, not others.

Dr. Love is probably right about how we should behave towards our partners: with sensitivity to their most vulnerable fears, unconditional positivity, and prioritizing feeling connected over conversations criticizing the relationship. I can’t think of many “let’s talk about our relationship” conversations that really ended well.

I’m glad that I read it, if not just for another good reads roast.

[Irene · Rating 3 out of 5]

I may be a bit addicted to self-help books, not because I am in a big crisis or hoping to learn some “truth” to make my life/relationships better per se, but because I find the topic of human relations and emotions endlessly fascinating. Therein lies the key difference between men and women repeatedly hammered in this book: That men and women connect differently, and the health of a love relationship does not hinge on communication - It's not about communication, it is about connection. Women love thinking and talking about relationships and men dread it.

A few disclaimers: This book is about marriage and love relationships between monogamous heterosexual people. The situations and examples all describe a man and a woman. The point of view is quite western/american, the image of marriage depicted here is 20th century traditional and heteronormative.

Given those disclaimers, I was still interested in the book after seeing a glowing review of it in a blog I enjoy, so I took much of the advice with a grain of salt, and took what I could from it.

The condensed version os the argument is that men and women experience emotions of shame and fear (respectively) and those deep impulses drive much of the conflict in romantic relationships. The reason for these impulses comes in large part from how girls and boys are socialized differently from birth. (The authors make much of biological differences as well, but since we know that the brain is plastic, I’m going to give the environmental/social influences much, much more weight here. It is a struggle to get through some of this biology stuff without rolling eyes but the authors deserve credit for their many sources and examples, I did learn some things and how male and female children respond to stimuli differently very early on, and how the way adults then react to them reinforces what may begin as minute differences and grow into large ones over the years.)

The fear (of isolation, loss and deprivation etc.) in the female causes her to panic and reach out for reassurance and connection, usually in the form of lots of talking. This ignites the shame (of failure, of not being a good protector or provider, etc) in the male, causing him to react in an angry or withdrawn manner, because he probably sucks at talking and will fail at it and fall into a failure spiral of shame. The tragic result is often that you get two people who deeply need to be loved and soothed - who probably really want to love and soothe each other - driving each other away.

The examples and second half of the book serve to show scenarios where this happens, and alternative ways to circumvent the fear/shame cycle and instead offer love and support in ways that will actually reach the other person. Saying, “We need to talk” has never really worked with anyone’s partner, has it? (No. Not 99% of the time.)

I liked the ideas and individual exercises in this book - it offered some unique ways to work on becoming more compassionate and thoughtful toward your partner, without involving them. Meaning, they can be done in your mind, on your own. What I didn’t enjoy was the implication that much of the time, a relationship will improve if the woman makes fewer overt demands and is more patient. Sometimes, yes, the anxious woman would do well to chill out and be more patient. Sometimes, though, problems need to be solved and telling me to just shut up isn’t helpful.

4 stars for some of the truly thoughtful compassion and empathy exercises, minus a star for sexism and repetitiveness.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am glad I read this book. I would recommend it to every couple. It has a lot of very valuable advice that I plan on incorporating in my own marriage.

However, they could have given the same advice in about half the pages. To me it seemed very repetitive and wordy. I also felt it was disjointed at times making it difficult to follow. Sometimes it was difficult to keep reading. I'm glad I did though.

Although maybe not intensional, it was definitely written for an audience of women. It does have a chapter near the end written especially for men, but the majority of the book is geared towards women. Which I understand since it is more often women seeking marital advice, but it is annoying at the same time. The ultimate premise of the book is to practice selflessness and personal discipline in our reactions to overcome shame and fear, which I totally agree with. But since it is telling women they need to be compassionate despite his anger/withdrawal/etc. it kind of comes off as suggesting that men can't help the way they react and the cause and burden of repair lands squarely on the wife. After reading the chapter for men, you definitely get a better understanding that problems in a marriage come from both partners and the authors really do mean for BOTH husband and wife to practice the ideas to improve the relationship. So when it sounds like they are only talking to the women, remember they are often wanting men to listen up too.

Ultimately, it is when we become the husband or wife we want to be, our spouses will respond by trying to become the spouse THEY want to be.

[Laura Gilfillan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was truly insightful, and aided me to understand my husband and our relationship a lot better. It is also interesting to me that I've seen a lot of the same ideas bouncing around in other books and articles, sort of a breakthrough in understanding is happening, it seems. Especially the notion that we share a mental and emotional connection with the people around us. This book stresses that it is not better communication, but better connection, that we need, in order to improve our relationship. And how fear and shame can so easily interfere with a loving connection. I did get annoyed with the many references to our "caveman" days, and the assumptions the authors made about them, when we really have no idea what it was like for our earliest ancestors. I also didn't get too far into the book before I thought that if they said the phrase "without talking about it!" one more time, I would scream. Of course they did, endlessly, but I didn't scream, but endured patiently, because I did enjoy hearing the ideas.

[Mike · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a seriously excellent, practical book for increasing connection in your marriage. It gets right to the heart of where many conflicts start -- so much of it sounded so familiar -- and how they often resolve unsatisfactorily.

Drawbacks: At times I almost felt the book was kind of more apologetic towards men to make sure they knew they weren't being picked on. There were a lot more examples where the women are asked to be more understanding of how men's brains work than men being asked to be more understanding of women. But maybe that is because there is an assumption that the women would be more open to a self-help book. I don't know. It also slightly felt like there was an assumption of "traditional roles" and it definitely did not address non-straight relationships.

That being said, I found it remarkably helpful for me and after I return it to the library, we're going to buy a copy so my wife can read it too and we can just have it on hand.

[VeeDawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a book club suggestion, and the advice they give is really just basic truths; be the best person you know how to be, look for the best in yourself and in your spouse, you don't have to think alike to love one another, but having similar values strengthens your bond.
Some of my favorite quotes were:
"Self-centeredness is the antithesis of love, for you only feel love when you are loving."
"Am I acting like the person I most want to be? If not, what can I do to act like that person?"
"So many heartaches could be prevented if couples gave each other the benefit of the doubt or simply paused to get more information."
"Never trust half the picture. Use binocular vision. Binocular vision is about holding on to self-value AND the value of your loved ones in the face of disappointment.
It was good to think about these things again.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book so far on helping men and women understand the differences in their needs from each other and how communication differs between the sexes. Discusses, hopes, fears, insecurities, and a need for connection that drives our miscommunications and leaves us feeling alone in our fears and dissapointments when we don't get the responses from our mates that we feel we need.

Excellent book!

[Rita · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book reduced men and women to very simple terms. I gained some great insights and am trying to regulate my behavior. And yet, I still don't 'get' the male perspective. I am definitely more book-learned, but I can't yet say I understand it at a deep level. It all has to do with men not asking for directions... lol.

[Nila · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great marriage advice book as women we tend to want to talk about every little detail. Two people can in this busy world have a good healthy relationship without having to discuss everything, remember no one is responsible for your feelings and how you feel but you. This book boiled men and woman down to thoughts they hide from all others like Fear and Shame, the only way to get around that.

[Alibean · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was intrigued by the suggestions for awhile, but they started to feel repetitive and unhelpful.