The Hand That Feeds

by Rollercoasterwords

Marlene McKinnon is a mess. She can’t sleep, she’s almost certainly going to fail all her
NEWTs, and she’s 99% sure that if they don’t win the Quidditch Cup this year James
Potter will throw himself headfirst off the Astronomy Tower. On top of all that, there’s awar on, yet their professors seem determined to pretend that the biggest problem any of
them are facing is finding a Ministry internship. Marlene’s final year at Hogwarts has
barely started, and she’s already pretty sure it couldn’t get any worse—that is, until she
shows up for her first Potions class and hears the assignment.
///
Dorcas Meadowes is a stone-cold bitch. At least, that’s what everyone says. She doesn’t
need well-meaning professors or overeager classmates or teammates or boyfriends or
friends. She doesn’t need anything except to be left alone, the way she likes, until the day
she finally leaves school. And she certainly doesn’t need Marlene McKinnon, with her
sharp tongue and her snorting laugh and her stupid shiny hair, who seems intent on ruining
everything that Dorcas has been working towards for the past two years.

Words: 235586; Pdf page count: 628

Genres: Fan Fiction

750 pages, ebook

First published October 18, 2022

Reviews

[seana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is perhaps the best marauders fanfiction I have ever read. The writing? The characterization? The relationships? Just top-notch.

“Joan of Arc,” McKinnon repeats, “She was a martyr. This teenage girl who fought in all these battles and had visions from saints and angels and helped win wars…I remember looking down at the picture of her in her armour and thinking, I want to be like that someday.”
“What, a martyr?” Dorcas wrinkles her nose.
“No,” McKinnon throws one of the pillows at her, half-heartedly; Dorcas bats it away.
“A hero.”
“That’s stupid,” Dorcas says, bluntly, “Nothing good ever happens to heroes.”
“Maybe,” McKinnon shrugs, rolling back over, “But they do a lot of good. And in the end, isn’t that what matters?”

“Dorcas really, really wishes that Marlene wouldn’t say that. She wishes that she knew what to do with this firestorm of a girl, this supernova, this blazing, blistering sun. She wishes that she knew how to explain that her wings will only ever melt; that she can reach out, and stretch, and fly as high as she can, but there are some-times points of contact that will simply never be made. Dorcas can’t believe in the things Marlene needs her to. She wishes that she could. Instead, she stretches out a hand, close enough that she can almost feel the hot wax dripping down her back.”


“If it’s a martyr’s death you want, Dorcas thinks, then I’ll be the stake you burn yourself on. I’ll be the fire.”

The parallels between Marleen & Joan of Arc and Dorcas & Icarus make me go feral.

“For just a moment, Dorcas can hear her bright laughter. For just a moment, she can see the gold hair, the freckled shoulders, the cheeks burnt pink from sun. For just a moment, she can taste the warm heat of her lips.
Just a moment.
That’s all they really had, in the end.”

This is so reminiscent of the quote, “after all that waiting they hadn't had very long at all in the end.” from All the Young Dudes.

Speaking of All the Young Dudes, Wolfstar was so cute in this fic. Their coming out scene was genuinely one of my favorite moments. James realizing he’s bi? Peak comedy.

“Merlin’s beard,” he gasps, breathlessly, trying to speak through the fits of giggles that continue to wrack his body, “Sirius, that’s—merlin—liking blokes doesn’t make you gay!”
Now it’s Sirius’s turn to stare at him, utterly baffled.
“Er…sorry, what?”James shakes his head, still chuckling.
“Everyone likes blokes, Padfoot,” he says, as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “I mean—come on, we both shared a locker room with Frank Longbottom!”

Also LILY EVANS?! The woman that you are 🙇🙇

“Soul magic. That’s what Dorcas is looking at. An enchantment that binds the magical cores…eerily similar to the ritual of the horcrux. She stares at Lily, studying her face—Lily stares back, eyes blazing green like death and magic, jaw set hard.
“I’m not letting Voldemort kill my son.”

And Regulus (I’ve always had a soft spot for him) and his dynamic with Dorcas? *chef’s kiss*

“Fine,” she says, picking up the book, “But only if you say please.”
Regulus glares at her. She raises a single brow, waiting.
“Please.”
“Sure,” Dorcas smiles at him, sweetly, “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
“Oh, sod off,” Regulus mutters. Dorcas flips open the book to its table of contents, and finds herself stifling a grin.”

“She laughs, and she cries, and she wishes and wishes and wishes that Regulus Black had just told her—had just brought her with, had just once in his life asked for help.”

“Of all the times to decide to play the hero, of course Regulus Black would choose the most inconvenient one.”

His letter to Dorcas genuinely keeps me up at night.

“I’ll be counting on you to kill Voldemort. Once he’s dead, let’s meet again at the place with the red tables. I liked their chips. In the meantime, tell my brother that I’m

Never mind. I’ll talk to him myself, once this is all over.”

Regulus Black, they could never make me hate you 🗣🗣

And the closing lines???

“A butterfly lands in the palm of her hand.
She watches it flap its wings once, twice—and then it flies away.
Here is a secret.
Are you listening?
This is a story, and a story is not its end.”

CHILLS.

[eli’ · Rating 5 out of 5]

vive les lesbiennes
happy pride month my loves

[Lili · Rating 5 out of 5]

wow wow wow! this book left me speechless.
the way this painful story still brought me so much joy in between is just beyond beautiful.
it is a tragic and honest story about two of my favorite characters and i love the way the characters develop with each other.

still… every time i ask myself the same question: why do i keep reading marauders stuff when 99% of it is tragic, unfair faith and painful???? and tho i end up shattered every single time i still enjoy every second of it because these characters in this magical world bring me so so much comfort and joy ❤️‍🩹

[Linn Synnøve · Rating 4 out of 5]

yes, I will log fanfiction
no, I have no shame
this is my goodreads and I decide what to do with it😌

[✧Bella✧ · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.75 stars

or maybe a full 5 stars, idek what the hell my rating system is at this point lmao

[jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

incredibly written and all the characters are so nuanced and full of life, absolutely achingly heartbreaking

[ella!! · Rating 5 out of 5]

i think a book this sad should be illegal
the end had me BAWLING

[Madison Jacobs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ahb

[Arandomgirlreads · Rating 5 out of 5]

This fic captured my heart and then shattered it into a million little pieces and I have been crying nonstop. Thank you

[Emily Boardman · Rating 5 out of 5]

It hurts so good

[Tanja Mavie · Rating 5 out of 5]

"If it’s a martyr’s death you want, Dorcas thinks, then I’ll be the stake you burn yourself on. I’ll be the fire."

God bless Dorcas Meadowes

This story had some of the best depictions of the first wizarding war I've ever come across, although it wasn't 100% canon compliant (what does that even mean? they all die anyway, it's still fck sad).

I LOVED Icarus-Dorcas and Jeanne d'Arc-Marlene. Their characterizations and backstories were quite original, and I enjoyed the suspense, especially in the first half of the story, as one had to guess around the events that made them the way they are.

The Hogwarts chapters didn't always thrill me, but, as I said, everything about the war was incredibly well written!! I could pick a hundred lines from this story to include in my commonplace book, which is always a good sign. Wonderful writing, truly.

Plus, I also loved the side-characters. Regulus was amazing, albeit just as infuriating as of old (talk to your brother!!! tell Dorcas what you're planning to do!!!).
Seeing Sirius and Remus fight never gets less painful (they're both so stupid, but especially Sirius, like, in what world would Remus EVER betray his friends, mh??!?).
The girls were wonderful, Lily and Mary, ily.

Oh, and I LOVED that even Lily Evans turned grey in this story!! There are no good people in war. Period.

[Zosia · Rating 5 out of 5]

halo czemu wszyscy muszą umierać, ja potrzebuję szczęśliwego zakończenia😭

[mai ♡ · Rating 5 out of 5]

the best thing I've ever read my soul has just changed

[sapph · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am in awe of this book. This is one of the most beautiful literary pieces I’ve ever read and it blows me away that this is fanfiction. I certainly have a high standard and I don’t read a lot of fanfiction, but this one really stood out.

It has the things I yearn for in sapphic literature. Those cliches that happen when two people are in love and they both succumb into this big cheesy mess. But it also those moments of instability when it comes to two lovers living in a fictional wizarding war, but a lot of the themes in this fic can be applied to real life, and certainly sheds light on those moments and experiences that we face during a relationship that _can_ be perfect if it weren’t for the circumstances that we live on. It has angst, it has jealousy, it has pure rage but most of it all is the need that is within their very cores, and the way they perceive each other especially during those moments of instability — truly — shows how the other yearns for a place in which both can quietly exist with no disturbances. This story navigates grief, and how different a person can become after loss, something we’ve all faced ourselves, and it particularly blew me away when the author wrote the very ugly sides of a grieving person (or maybe the inability to grieve as they’re stuck in this loop of loss so much it becomes mundane), and the author definitely didn’t sugarcoat just how ugly yet human that experience is. It navigates love, and the risks you’re willing to take, and the sacrifices and the wrong decisions made that are all in the name of love.

These characters are hypocrites in a thought provoking manner. These characters love in such an intense way, how every character is connected in this very beautiful connection which can be tied by friends, family, or even place — sometimes loss as well. And it’s all written beautifully.

The author’s way of writing is beautiful in itself and has sent me into full fledged heavy sobbing sessions which I feel like I’ll never be the same again after such heavy sobs and beautiful — BEAUTIFUL — writings.

[Grace Keltner · Rating 4 out of 5]

The pacing on this was a little weird and all the girls did was sit in potions class and smoke w Pandora BUT it was angsty and great in terms of tone and aesthetic! So fun as a basic Dorlene fic yay yay yay live love lesbians I too would crash out if my situationship was murdered right after I moved in with her. Also that scene where James discovers not everyone thinks men are hot was so funny. Like yeah babe YOU’RE into Frank Longbottom… straight guys aren’t. Lily helping him process that was so darling ugh I love them. And on a depressing note, the grief writing was very successful here. Effectively harrowing. OH and Reg x Dorcas bffship was so sweetie until it obviously was wasn’t. RIP RAB you would have loved Ethel Cain. And Dorcas being such a badass like the weaving in of other culture’s magic systems was so so cool like yeah ofc she’s that bitch and I love her. She almost killed Voldemort? Canon TO ME. Oh and I LOVE Marls like she’s so frustrating and frustrated all the time and she’s so baby girl and so me. I HC her as AHDH 100% like the lack of emotional regulation?? Yeah babe I know what you are. Ooh ooh ooh and the background wolfstar angst was perfect. Delectable. Stoner Remus x stoner Dorcas x dealer Pandora you will forever be famous. This was so fun but like the mood was always dark if that makes sense? def recommend!

[Alyssa Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

IM SO SAD . i just think that they found each other again in the come and go room and r together !!!!

[Raya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok now go listen to bite the hand by boygenius

[arianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

★★★★/ 5
“this is a story, and a story is not the end.”

[Sade · Rating 5 out of 5]

PARAS FANFIC MITÄ OON KOSKAAN LUKENU. Täs oli niin moniulotteiset hahmot ja pidin siit et kukaan niist ei ollu moraalisesti mitenkää täydellisen puhdas varsinkaa sen sodan aikana. Muutenki tota sodan vaikutusta kuvattiin älyttömän hyvin ja oli tosi selkeetä kuinka ne oli tosi nuoria, ja kuinka ne vaan heitettiin ihan kauheeseen tilanteeseen josta selviytymiseen niillä ei vielä ollu keinoja nii sit se sai ne tekee huonoja juttuja.

Rakastin erityisesti Dorcasin hahmoo ja sitä miten se oli selkeesti tosi antisankari ja kuinka se ei tyypillisen sankarin tavoin ollu valmis uhraamaan itseään koko maailman tai jonkun ideologian puolesta mut se ois antanut henkensä Marlenen puolesta ja suojeli sitä keinoja kaihtamatta.

Rakastin myös Icarus viittauksia, ne oli kauniita ja muutenki rakastan intertekstuaalisuutta. Ja sit yleisesti toi teksti oli niin kaunista ja välillä tosi runollista ja siin käytettiin paljon tosi onnistuneita kielikuvia jotka osu syvälle.

Täs käsiteltiin upeesti, herkästi, kauniisti mut myös kivuliaasti niin monia teemoja wau. Must oli niin hienoa ku täs puhuttiin esimerkiks kroonisista sairauksista, kolonialismista velhomaailmassa ja Dorcasin sukujuurista (oli personal mulle kosk se tuli nigeriasta). Kans menetyksen ja surun käsittely oli tosi tosi aitoo ja muutenki kaikkii vaikeitaki teemoja käsiteltiin tosi moniulotteisesti (esim. marlenen suhde sen veljeen paljastamatta nyt liikaa).

Dorcasin ja Marlenen suhde ja sen kehitys ja kuvaus oli niiin hyvä. Ne tuntu jollain tapaa olevansa jopa toistensa vastakohdat ainaki sillee ideologisesti (luihuinen vs rohkelikko oli must tosi selkee niiden dynamiikassa mut sillee tosi hyvällä, tarkkaan mietityllä tavalla) ja tää oli kyl selkee enemies to lovers ja tykkään et se dynamiikka ei koskaan täysin kadonnu vaan ne loppuun asti jotenki tunsi toisiaan kohtaan melkein yhtä paljon vihaa ku rakkautta. Samalla ne kuitenkin tuntu olevan soulmates, eikä oikein voinu elää ilman toisiaan. Rakastin lukee niiden ihanii hetkii.

Varsinki loppua kohden niiden suhde oli tosi toksinen mut must oli niin hienoo miten sitäki kuvattiin ja miten siinäki tuntu että moni asia voi olla totta samaan aikaan. Niiden molempien käsitys rakkaudesta oli jotenki twisted ja sit viel jotenki Marlenen kateus ja savior complex ja Dorcasin sellanen keinoja kaihtamaton suojelu ja välinpitämättömyys hallintakeinona clashas tosi paljon ja se oli kirjotettu mun mielestä tosi taitavasti. Ja sit miten selkeesti sota vaikutti myös suoraa niiden suhteeseen.

Haluaisin vielä käyttää tämän mahdollisuuden pyytääkseni rahallista kompensaatiota emotionaalisesta tuskasta, jota viimeiset 4 lukua aiheuttivat minulle kun luin tämän loppuun viime yönä klo 01.30🙏

[Alice · Rating 5 out of 5]

"That's stupid," Dorcas says, bluntly, "Nothing good ever happens to heroes."

"Maybe," McKinnon shrugs, rolling back over, "But they do a lot of good. And in the end, isn't that what matters?

"She's a phoenix, Dorcas thinks—something doomed to destroy itself, the way any good hero is."

I can't even begin to explain how beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous this story is. The start of their relationship—an ACTUAL enemies to lovers where they want to hurt each other and they know they will, but they can't help but fall in love at the end.

"This can't end well," she gasps, still clutching at the other girl's clothes, "We-we're just going to hurt each other."

"Hurt me, then."

I love Dorcas so so much. Her character feels so human and realistic between all these extremely brave characters that im not saying they aren't realistic, but Cas feels so close to my heart. Her posture of the war and the way she goes through it feels so incredibly human and painful.

"That's the problem—they are soldiers, and they both know it, only the word means something different to each of them. To Marlene, to her friends, to most of the Order—it means hero. To Dorcas, it means sacrifice."

"She's not a hero. She is something else entirely—something inescapable, something that spits magic into the air like venom. She is death wrapped up in skin that threatens to split with the force of its own power. She is the god that heroes die for."

I would die for Dorcas Meadowes ngl.

"She is going to bite the hand of the world until it has no fingers left to point at her."

The whole story is so beautifully written—one of the best marauders fics I've ever read. Their love is so complicated, even before the war, they both deal with really heavy stuff, but the characters are so well done, and the story is so painfully satisfying that it just makes it perfect. I loved the black brothers so much in this and the side wolfstar and Emmary. Lily's character was portrayed just perfectly, and the small changes from canon made it even better.

And I don't think Dorcas and Marlene are soulmates, not at all, so it's even more beautiful that they keep choosing each other over and over again even if they hurt each other so much and it feels like they're just destined to keep causing each other pain.

"Marlene finds herself thinking, sometimes, that maybe they got it wrong. That in another life, or another universe, they were meant to kill each other."

"If you have something, you have to be willing to hurt for it."

[Jimena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely heart shattering but also incredible. Love how it remains mostly canon compliant but also adds unique situations that just give more depth to the characters and friend group as a whole. Also really love how there’s starting to be a bit more wow rep in the marauders fandom cause as much as i love the gays we have some incredibly badass and iconic female characters that are completely looked over

[lucía · Rating 4 out of 5]

madurar es darte cuenta q quizás ir a la uni es leer fanfics en pantalla dividida. (i'm so okay with that)

debo decir q a pesar d q dorlene no es mi ship fav ni d lejos y ni dorcas ni marlene son personajes q adoro como al resto, pffff q librazo. así q eso dice mucho. q bien estaba escrito, super creíble, bien caracterizado>>> m lo bebí

NUNCA olvidaré el capítulo del tren dios mío. y el último was just cruel ngl

[Evie · Rating 4 out of 5]

holy peak, probably the best dorene fic I will ever read, such an incredible story full of absolute emotion. This fic really shows the ins and outs of Marlene and Dorcas’s relationship no matter how awful and messy it may, the raw essence of how war destroys people speaks to me in every way. A violent yet beautiful story that I 1000% recommend even if you’re not in the fandom.

[Natalia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Precioso, bello, desgarrador. No tengo palabras solo lágrimas💔💔💔

(Cómo se sentirá esta persona tras escribir ATYD sirius's perspective y esta pedazo de biblia lésbica... me ha dejado sin ningún tipo de estabilidad emocional gracias 💋)

[Anna Ramirez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easily the best Dorlene fic I’ve read so far (yes, I have also read Invisible String. Yes, this one is better), maybe even my fav of all time, though Crimson Rivers is very good as well.
Honestly, the only thing I dislike about the book is the “canon compliant”part…

[Cissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars
I didn’t connect with the characters, especially Dorcas. And the pacing of the story was a bit off

[hana · Rating 5 out of 5]

pure. fucking. destruction.

[Nela · Rating 4 out of 5]

4,5*
And I cried, and I cried, and I cried ...

[Flora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Counting it as a book cuz 700 pages is a lot (and tbh one of the best fics I've ever read)

[Flo · Rating 4 out of 5]

shattered me into PIECES