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Beyond Blame: Freeing Yourself from the Most Toxic Form of Emotional Bullsh*t
The inspiring new book from the author of Emotional Bullshit reveals why no one is to blame-but everyone's accountable.
For many, a rare day goes by in which the need to blame does not arise-be it to cover one's own errors or just to assign an unfortunate event some kind of name (i.e., "If only X hadn't said X, we wouldn't be in this mess.") And even for those who are somewhat better at keeping the impulse in check-it is still there. According to psychologist Carl Alasko, blame is such an intrinsic part of how we humans communicate that we rarely take a look at what we're actually doing-and how it can affect our relationships.
In this book, Alasko reveals that the need to assign blame when something bad happens stems from a very deep desire we all share to "see justice done". Understandable when a grave crime has been committed, but it can become a dangerous habit if we begin to operate as though placing blame were somehow necessary if we want to change something or someone in our world. Yet this feeling that "someone has to pay" is seldom productive in initiating positive change. In Beyond Blame, Alasko teaches readers to recognize destruction that blame causes in their lives-oftentimes without their even being aware-and to put an end to it once and for all.
The path to eliminating blame is not a quick or easy one but, as Carl Alasko demonstrates, it is a road that must be traveled if we hope to achieve true peace in our lives.
For many, a rare day goes by in which the need to blame does not arise-be it to cover one's own errors or just to assign an unfortunate event some kind of name (i.e., "If only X hadn't said X, we wouldn't be in this mess.") And even for those who are somewhat better at keeping the impulse in check-it is still there. According to psychologist Carl Alasko, blame is such an intrinsic part of how we humans communicate that we rarely take a look at what we're actually doing-and how it can affect our relationships.
In this book, Alasko reveals that the need to assign blame when something bad happens stems from a very deep desire we all share to "see justice done". Understandable when a grave crime has been committed, but it can become a dangerous habit if we begin to operate as though placing blame were somehow necessary if we want to change something or someone in our world. Yet this feeling that "someone has to pay" is seldom productive in initiating positive change. In Beyond Blame, Alasko teaches readers to recognize destruction that blame causes in their lives-oftentimes without their even being aware-and to put an end to it once and for all.
The path to eliminating blame is not a quick or easy one but, as Carl Alasko demonstrates, it is a road that must be traveled if we hope to achieve true peace in our lives.
338 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 18, 2011
24 people are currently reading
85 people want to read
About the author
Carl Alasko
10 books7 followersCarl Alasko, Ph.D. has been a practicing psychotherapist specializing in couples and families for twenty-five years.
He writes a weekly article about healthy relationships for the online Expert's blogs at Psychology Today and for the past fifteen years has written a weekly advice column "On Relationships" for the Monterey County Herald.
He lives in Monterey, California with his wife and son.
He writes a weekly article about healthy relationships for the online Expert's blogs at Psychology Today and for the past fifteen years has written a weekly advice column "On Relationships" for the Monterey County Herald.
He lives in Monterey, California with his wife and son.
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
October 17, 2019
I like to read books similar to this that delve into the deeper psychology of human behaviors. I would've overlooked the concept of blame and how it infiltrates our waking lives in relating to ourselves and to others. The first part of the book the author exhaustively explains what blame is and how we can notice it in our lives. It seems subtle at first, but through each chapter more and more is revealed and unpacked to where you think to yourself "wow, I didn't know that's how blame works". The second half of the book is reserved for the way out of blame. The authors methods are useful and tangible.
August 9, 2016
This is a great book written in easy-to-understand language for the average person that explains how and why blame is such a toxic thing that people do to each other and to ourselves. It explains the root of why we make bad choices and how we can change them in the future. Some parts of the book are more useful than others, but overall it's a very insightful read and makes a lot of sense into something that is so pervasive and second-nature in our society but that few people think about or consider.
November 27, 2023
This was a solid book with clear strategies to block the blaming of others. It has particular currency for personal relationships, particularly intimate relationships. There is strong and clear attention to the structures of accountability.
I was hoping for more attention to blame cultures in the workplace, and how responsibilities are displaced. This is not the book to address the challenges in the contemporary workplace.
I was hoping for more attention to blame cultures in the workplace, and how responsibilities are displaced. This is not the book to address the challenges in the contemporary workplace.
October 5, 2011
Who has not felt, at one time or another, that they have been blamed unfairly? I doubt if anyone can say that they have never experienced the frustration of trying to explain to someone that it wasn’t you, that you didn’t do anything. Most of us have also blamed someone else, at times, when we think or know we are innocent, so therefore, they must be guilty.
This book attempts to provide you with the tools to overcome the cycle of blame which destroys relationships. It teaches you how to express yourself in a non-confrontational way so your conversation doesn’t escalate into a “he said, she said”, kind of discussions.
Why do we feel so afraid of being blamed? Why are we so often burdened with guilt even when we don’t deserve it? Why do we operate by accusing each other of something in order to make us feel better or more powerful? The author attempts to answer these questions and provide a resource to be use when faced with a situation that deteriorates into “the blame game”. The book is divided into subjects like marriage, workplace, parenting, dating, etc., so you can turn to the pages you need when necessary.
Dr. Alasko hopes to teach the reader to aim for resolution and not retribution because blame shifts the focus from solving the problem into escalating it. If the reader can learn to express feelings of frustration in a positive way, without arousing anger, a respectful discussion will follow. It is the attempt to shift responsibility for something on to someone else that causes the problems in relationships.
He instructs the reader in the use of Positive Accountability, which means acknowledging a mistake without having as a goal, to humiliate or punish someone else for it. If the discussion gets out of hand, leave the room and stay calm so the problem doesn’t grow worse. He hopes the reader will come to terms with their Personal Limitations by recognizing what they are and dealing with them effectively so they don’t control one’s life.
In short, the book is really about common sense. Think about the problem at hand before you react; think about what end result you want from your behavior, then act on it, without confrontation, always being aware of what you are capable of doing so that your expectations are realistic and positive. Let your mind, not your emotions, rule the day.
This book attempts to provide you with the tools to overcome the cycle of blame which destroys relationships. It teaches you how to express yourself in a non-confrontational way so your conversation doesn’t escalate into a “he said, she said”, kind of discussions.
Why do we feel so afraid of being blamed? Why are we so often burdened with guilt even when we don’t deserve it? Why do we operate by accusing each other of something in order to make us feel better or more powerful? The author attempts to answer these questions and provide a resource to be use when faced with a situation that deteriorates into “the blame game”. The book is divided into subjects like marriage, workplace, parenting, dating, etc., so you can turn to the pages you need when necessary.
Dr. Alasko hopes to teach the reader to aim for resolution and not retribution because blame shifts the focus from solving the problem into escalating it. If the reader can learn to express feelings of frustration in a positive way, without arousing anger, a respectful discussion will follow. It is the attempt to shift responsibility for something on to someone else that causes the problems in relationships.
He instructs the reader in the use of Positive Accountability, which means acknowledging a mistake without having as a goal, to humiliate or punish someone else for it. If the discussion gets out of hand, leave the room and stay calm so the problem doesn’t grow worse. He hopes the reader will come to terms with their Personal Limitations by recognizing what they are and dealing with them effectively so they don’t control one’s life.
In short, the book is really about common sense. Think about the problem at hand before you react; think about what end result you want from your behavior, then act on it, without confrontation, always being aware of what you are capable of doing so that your expectations are realistic and positive. Let your mind, not your emotions, rule the day.
March 29, 2017
learned a lot from this book gave me the tools to handle life issues and how to communicate effectively.
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews